A trauma-informed series to understanding your patterns, soothing your nervous systems, and finding connection again.
The Pattern You Know Too Well
You’re having the same argument again.
Your voice gets sharper, faster.
Your heart is pounding.
You’re trying to explain — this time clearly — because surely if you can just say it right, they’ll finally understand.
But instead, something in your partner goes quiet.
Their eyes turn away.
Their voice goes flat.
They say, “I don’t know what you want from me.”
You get louder because you care.
They shut down because they’re overwhelmed.
And suddenly you’re both somewhere you never meant to go.
If this is you, you’re not alone.
This push–pull dynamic — one partner escalating, the other withdrawing — is incredibly common. Not because there is something wrong with you, but because there is something deeply human happening in your nervous systems.
This series will meet you exactly here.
Why You Can’t Just “Communicate Better”
Most couples desperately try to fix this dynamic with logic:
- “I just need you to listen.”
- “Why are you making this such a big deal?”
- “Can’t we talk like adults?”
- “I’m not attacking you.”
But logic doesn’t work when two nervous systems are sliding into survival mode.
One of you feels abandoned and gets louder.
The other feels attacked and shuts down.
Neither of you chose these responses — they were wired long before you met.
When your body thinks you’re unsafe, your brain stops receiving new information.
This is why even your best attempts at communicating seem to “not land.”
What if the issue isn’t failure… but overload?
What if both of you are protecting yourselves the only way you know how?
The Understory: Old Wounds and Old Wiring
For many of us, the patterns we enter in partnership were shaped long before the relationship began.
A raised voice might drop someone straight back into childhood:
being scolded, misunderstood, or unsafe.
A quiet partner might trigger another person’s oldest fear:
being ignored, unseen, or left alone with everything.
When these old wounds collide, neither of you is reacting to the present moment anymore.
You’re reacting to the story your body remembers.
This doesn’t mean you’re broken.
It means you’re human.
And when two protective systems are activated at the same time, you can get stuck in a loop:
Escalation → Shutdown → Distance → Guilt → Repeat
Not because you don’t love each other.
Because nobody taught you how to work with your wiring instead of against it.
Why Parenting Makes This Pattern More Intense
For many couples, the cycle gets worse after having kids.
You’re exhausted.
Your bandwidth shrinks.
You’re moving fast, constantly needed, constantly adjusting.
If one partner feels more mentally loaded, they may become more reactive.
If the other feels criticized or not enough, they may retreat more quickly.
The spiral accelerates.
But this, too, is not a sign that your relationship is failing.
It’s a sign that your bodies are overwhelmed and running low on safety, capacity, and compassion — for each other and for yourselves.
The repair begins, always, with understanding.
What This Series Will Help You Do
We will gently explore:
Part 1 — Understanding the Hidden Patterns of Pursuit and Withdrawal
Why escalation and shutdown happen, how attachment and childhood shape your responses, and how to identify the deeper emotion underneath the argument.
Part 2 — Practical Tools to Bridge Connection in the Heat of Conflict
How to make emotional bids that land, and communicate without triggering each other’s defenses. Rituals, parenting teamwork, micro-repairs, shared responsibility, and how to slowly, sustainably shift the dynamic you’re stuck in. (This part includes a free downloadable guide.)
Each part goes deeper, offering language, grounding tools, and examples you can use immediately.
This pillar post is your landing place — the frame that holds it all.
Before We Begin the Deep Dive
Take a breath.
This pattern is painful, yes.
But it is also workable.
You have not failed.
Your partner has not failed.
You’re two nervous systems trying — in the only ways you’ve learned — to feel safe with someone you love.
Let’s walk through this together.
What Might Begin to Shift
As you move through these parts, you may notice something subtle:
You start reacting a little slower.
You hear the wobble in your partner’s voice before the shutdown.
You sense the panic underneath your own rising tone sooner.
You speak differently — not softer necessarily, but clearer, cleaner, more true.
And slowly, the old loop loosens.
You don’t need to get it perfect.
The work isn’t about flawless communication or endless patience.
It’s about noticing the moment your bodies start slipping out of connection — and finding your way back a little sooner.
Just a few seconds of awareness can change the shape of an argument.
Just a small increase in safety can change the tone of a whole evening.
A Final Thought Before You Step Into Part 1
The real story of “one partner gets loud, the other shuts down” is not about who’s right or wrong.
It’s about two nervous systems, both trying to cope.
Two histories, both alive in the moment.
Two people who want closeness — but keep getting pulled apart by old reflexes.
This cycle is not a verdict on your relationship.
It’s simply the starting place.
And starting places can shift.
Part 1 will take you down to the roots — the places where your protective strategies began, the feelings that get stirred in the heat of conflict, and the deeper emotional truths hiding behind your arguments.
You’ll also see the first gentle practices that help you meet each other differently.
When you’re ready, we’ll go there.
When We Pull Apart: Understanding the Hidden Patterns of Pursuit and Withdrawal (Part 1 of 2)
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