Blog

A Shock to the Heart

“You can’t go on believing you’re a good person once you have a child.”
— Lisa Marchiano

You were the gentle one. The one who promised to do better.
You read the books, listened to the podcasts, unpacked your childhood, and swore that you’d never pass down the pain. Not like that. Not to her.

And yet, there you are again—your voice rising, your breath shallow, your daughter in tears over the wrong color cup or shoes she refuses to wear. You say something sharp, too sharp. The moment passes, but the shame sits heavy in your chest. You snap, she crumples, and you’re left in the ruins of a moment you never meant to create.

Why does mothering a daughter—this particular relationship—hurt so much sometimes?

We don’t talk enough about the paradox of motherhood: how a child can be both beloved and unbearable in the same breath. How we can adore them and still feel overcome with irritation, even rage. And no one talks about how our daughters, especially, have a way of cutting deep—not because of anything they’ve done, but because of everything they awaken.

This article is for the mother who sees herself in her daughter and flinches.
Who wants to run from the mirror this relationship becomes.
Who keeps trying to fix what feels broken inside so she can love more freely, but keeps getting pulled under by her own pain.

You are not alone.
You are not a monster.
You are not failing.

You are being invited—through every messy, overwhelming moment—to step into a deeper healing than you ever imagined. This isn’t about becoming the perfect mother. It’s about becoming the whole one.

Why Mothering a Daughter Hits Different

There’s something particular, piercing, and unrelenting about raising a daughter.

It’s not just the ordinary fatigue of parenthood. It’s not just the emotional labor or the sleep deprivation or the constant mental load. Those things matter, but this is different. This is personal. And often, painfully so.

The Daughter as a Mirror

Many mothers report a strange experience early in their daughter’s life—something like déjà vu. A moment where your daughter’s tantrum, sadness, or play reminds you of your own long-buried memories. It can feel almost out of body. She is her, but she is also somehow you.

And so, when she cries and you feel a surge of rage…
When she is needy and your skin crawls…
When she asks for more than you feel capable of giving…
It’s not just her voice echoing in the room—it’s the ghost of your own unmet needs, pushing forward from your past.

When You Were Controlled—And Now React With Control

If your mother was controlling, emotionally volatile, or treated your autonomy as a threat, you may have grown up in a space where it was never safe to be fully yourself. You may have learned to anticipate her moods, silence your own, and walk on eggshells to avoid punishment or withdrawal.

And now—your own daughter pulls at you with the full force of her will. She resists. She says no. She takes up space—loudly, persistently, endlessly.

This awakens a complex cocktail of feelings:

• You feel small again, as though the power is being used against you.
• You feel invisible again, even while someone is in your face.
• You feel trapped, helpless, and powerless.

And because we are often most reactive when we feel powerless, you might find yourself snapping, yelling, or controlling—not because you\’re cruel, but because your body and nervous system are screaming, “Get control or you’ll disappear again.”

It’s devastating to recognize:
“I became the very force I once feared.”
“I feel the same rage she did.”
“I use the same tone I swore I’d never use.”

And yet—this recognition is the beginning of healing. It doesn’t make you bad. It makes you brave. These patterns run deep. And only now, as they rise to the surface in the sacred, demanding space of motherhood, do you finally have the chance to interrupt them.

Psychological frameworks help illuminate this:

• Attachment Theory shows us that how we were soothed (or not) as children shapes how we respond to distress—our children’s and our own. If we didn’t receive co-regulation, our nervous system may panic when our child is dysregulated.
• IFS (Internal Family Systems) helps explain why you might go from powerless to controlling in a flash. The “exiled” part—your inner child who had no power—gets triggered. Then a “protector” part jumps in with aggression to defend you from the pain of powerlessness. These parts aren’t bad. They’re trying to help. But they’re trapped in an old story.
• Gestalt Therapy highlights how unfinished emotional business resurfaces in present-day relationships. In Gestalt terms, your daughter reactivates a “cycle of experience” that was never completed: the grief, rage, or longing you weren’t allowed to feel or express in your own childhood.

And if you were the daughter of a mother who dismissed, controlled, competed with, or leaned too heavily on you emotionally, the waters are even murkier. You might find yourself reacting to your daughter as though she is the mother who wounded you, even while she’s just being her vibrant, demanding toddler or intense preteen self.

The Archetypal Weight

From a Jungian perspective, the mother-daughter relationship carries archetypal power. The “Mother” isn’t just a person—it’s a universal pattern. And so is “The Daughter.” These archetypes interact within us and between us, amplifying emotion and expectation.

In this lens, the daughter represents the emerging feminine within the mother—a part of herself that perhaps never got to fully live. She may symbolize the freedom you never had, the voice you were told to quiet, or the sensitivity you learned to suppress.

That’s why it can feel unbearable when your daughter insists, interrupts, whines, or refuses to comply. It’s not just that she’s being a child. It’s that she’s activating something sacred and suppressed in you. And your reaction may be fiercer than the moment deserves—not because you’re cruel, but because the buried pain is that deep.

This doesn’t mean you’re doomed to repeat the cycle. But it does mean that the triggers are real, ancient, and sacred—and deserve tenderness, not shame.

How Our Daughters Awaken Our Wounds

There’s a particular edge to being triggered by your daughter that is hard to explain until you’ve felt it.

It’s not just that she’s having a tantrum.
It’s not just that she’s needy, again.
It’s the meaning your nervous system assigns to it. The old scripts it revives. The way her very being seems to shine a light into the parts of you that were never allowed to exist.

A Threat to the Survival Strategy

If, as a child, you learned to survive by pleasing, appeasing, or disappearing, then your daughter’s bold “NO!” isn’t just inconvenient. It’s dangerous. Not literally—but symbolically.

It challenges the very pattern that once kept you safe.
Her loudness threatens the internal rule that says, “It’s not safe to be too much.”
Her tears challenge your inherited belief: “My emotions are a burden.”
Her anger pokes at your deeply embedded shame: “If I express myself, I’ll be rejected.”

She is not misbehaving.
She is living.
But for the wounded parts of you, her self-expression can feel like rebellion, even betrayal.

A Mirror of What Wasn’t Allowed

A daughter’s joy, rage, silliness, wildness, and need for attention can stir deep envy in a mother who wasn’t permitted to have those things.

And that envy might show up as irritation, distance, or even rejection.

Not because the mother doesn’t love her daughter—but because love is complicated when the child is expressing what the mother had to silence in herself.

This is especially true when the daughter is close in temperament or personality—when her laugh sounds like yours, when her interests mirror your own childhood dreams, when her moods mimic your old vulnerabilities.

Suddenly, she’s not just her anymore—she’s a reflection of you, reawakening everything you had to suppress.

A Fight Between Parts of the Self

In IFS terms, your daughter triggers exiled parts—wounded, banished pieces of yourself that hold trauma, pain, longing, and unmet needs. These parts resurface with intensity when she does something that reawakens the old wound.

And then, to manage the flood of vulnerability, a protector part might swoop in:

• The harsh voice (“Why are you like this?”)
• The icy withdrawal (“I need to be alone.”)
• The control (“Do it my way or no way.”)

This reaction isn’t you at your core. It’s a part trying to manage pain. It doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means the pain has surfaced enough to be seen.

The Body Remembers

In somatic therapy, we understand that trauma is stored in the body—not just in memory. When your child’s behavior brings up old experiences of powerlessness, shame, or neglect, your body may react before your brain can interpret what’s happening.

You might notice:

• A jolt of rage before you understand why.
• Shallow breath and clenched fists.
• A sudden urge to yell, leave the room, or cry.

These are trauma responses—not moral failures.

Stillness, breath, grounding, and movement can help your nervous system come back into the present. But first, the body needs to be allowed to speak.

The Attachment Wound Reactivated

If you didn’t feel emotionally safe or consistently seen by your own mother, you may carry an attachment wound—one that becomes reactivated when your daughter’s needs stretch you past your current limits.

You may think:

• “I don’t know how to be there for her because no one was there for me.”
• “I want to meet her needs, but mine are screaming too.”
• “I feel guilty for resenting her.”

And all of this can brew into shame. A mother’s shame that she’s failing at the most important relationship of her life. But this isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a sign of healing in motion. You are walking a path no one walked with you.

The AEDP Frame: A Portal to Healing

Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) views intense emotion not as a problem to be managed, but as a portal to transformation—if we are met with compassion, safety, and attunement.

Your daughter’s presence gives you a profound gift: the chance to re-experience emotion that was once too big, too scary, too unwelcomed—and to move through it differently.

This time, you get to stay. You get to witness. You get to soften.

You may have lacked a compassionate other as a child. But now, you can begin to become that for yourself, and for her.

The Cycle Breaker’s Guilt — Wanting Space, Feeling Shame

There is a deep, often unspoken ache in many mothers who are trying to do things differently than what they received.

You might have come into motherhood with fierce vows:
“I’ll never scream like my mother did.”
“I’ll always be there when my daughter needs me.”
“I will raise her to feel free, loved, safe.”

But then, the long days stack up. Your child’s voice pierces the quiet. You haven’t had a moment alone, or even a thought uninterrupted. Your nervous system is threadbare. And the very child you longed to nurture becomes the one you want distance from.

And in that moment, a wave of guilt crashes in:

• “What kind of mother needs a break from her child?”
• “Why am I so irritated by the person I love most?”
• “Am I becoming her—the mother I swore I wouldn’t be?”

This is the pain of the cycle breaker: the person trying to parent with presence, gentleness, and attunement—while also carrying the weight of intergenerational trauma, emotional exhaustion, and a history of unmet needs.

The Need for Space Isn’t a Sign of Failure

One of the most radical truths in healing work is this: Needing space does not mean you’re failing.
It means you are human.

You may carry an internalized belief that being a “good mother” means constant self-sacrifice. That your needs are secondary. That if you were truly healed, you would never feel rage, irritation, or the urge to escape.

But in truth:

• Your nervous system needs cycles of expansion and contraction.
• Your soul needs solitude to regulate and restore.
• Your identity needs room to breathe outside of the mother role.

You cannot pour from an empty well. And your child does not benefit from a mother who is constantly running on fumes.

IFS Perspective: Parts in Conflict

In Internal Family Systems, the tension you feel between craving space and feeling shame can be seen as a conflict between parts:

• One part longs for rest, silence, a break from responsibility.
• Another part shames that longing, whispering, “You’re selfish. She needs you.”
• And yet another part might rise in defense, snapping or withdrawing to create space by force.

The key is not to “fix” these parts, but to listen to them. Each one developed for a reason. Each one holds wisdom. What if the part that wants space is not bad—but just exhausted?

What if, instead of judging her, you offered her compassion?

Somatic Clues: The Body’s Boundary Cry

Your body often knows long before your mind does that you need space. But if you weren’t allowed healthy boundaries as a child, your body’s cry for space may feel foreign or threatening.

• Tension in your jaw or shoulders
• A racing heart when your child touches you again
• A desire to flee the room or go numb

These are not signs of disconnection from your child. They are signs that your body needs to reconnect with itself.

Stillness, grounding, and boundary rituals can help you stay with your body’s signals before they turn into explosions.

The Jungian Frame: The Shadow Mother

Carl Jung spoke of the shadow—the parts of us that are disowned, buried, or denied. When we idealize motherhood as only nurturing, soft, and selfless, we cast every other part of the mother—rage, boredom, resentment—into the shadow.

But the more we deny those parts, the more powerfully they erupt.

Your anger, your need for space, your overwhelm—these are not signs of moral failure. They are signs of your wholeness.

In reclaiming your “shadow mother,” you become more integrated. More real. More available to your child—not as a perfect image, but as a full human being.

AEDP: Transforming Shame Through Compassion

In AEDP, we understand that shame thrives in isolation but softens in connection.

When your shame is met with empathy—whether from a therapist, a friend, or your own inner voice—it begins to transform. Instead of shutting down, you open. Instead of hiding, you integrate.

Imagine offering yourself the words you longed to hear:

“Of course you’re overwhelmed. This is hard. And you are still good.”
“You need space, and you still love her deeply.”
“You’re growing, even when it’s messy.”

This is how the cycle begins to shift—not through perfection, but through presence with what is.

Becoming the Mother You Longed For — To Her, and to Yourself

One of the most profound truths in conscious mothering is this:

You’re not just raising your daughter.
You’re also re-raising the child inside you.

And these two processes—parenting outward and parenting inward—are deeply interwoven.

You might notice this in the quiet moments:
When you soothe your child with words you never heard.
When you kneel to meet her eyes instead of towering over her.
When you pause and breathe instead of shouting.

These are not just parenting strategies.
They are acts of healing—echoing into your own nervous system, your own past, your own unmet needs.

But to sustain this healing, especially when you’re overwhelmed or triggered, you need a framework of both practical tools and emotional reparenting. Let’s break this down.

1. Reparenting Yourself in Real Time

When your daughter whines, demands, or pushes your buttons, you’re not just responding to her.
You’re also responding to something older—a memory, a wound, a moment when you felt helpless or invisible or afraid.

Here are micro-moments of reparenting you can practice in the thick of everyday life:

• Touch your own chest when you feel your tone rising. Whisper silently:“It’s okay, love. I’m here now. You’re not alone with this feeling.”
• Give yourself permission to want space without guilt. Affirm:“My need for solitude doesn’t mean I’m abandoning her. It means I’m honoring myself.”
• Repair without shame. If you snap or shut down, go back and gently say:“I’m sorry I spoke harshly. I got overwhelmed, but it wasn’t your fault. You’re safe with me.”

Every one of these actions is a message to both your daughter and your inner child:
You matter. You’re safe. We’re learning together.

2. Creating Rituals of Self-Attunement

Being the mother you longed for doesn’t mean never struggling.
It means learning how to recognize your own signals—before they overflow.

Here are simple daily rituals that support this process:

• Morning intention (2 minutes): Before the day begins, place a hand on your heart and ask:“What do I need most today to feel steady?” Write it down. Let it guide small decisions.
• Transition rituals (between tasks or rooms):
  Before moving from work to parenting, or dishes to bedtime, pause for one breath. You can touch a small grounding object (stone, oil, scarf), and remind yourself:“I don’t have to rush. I can move from presence, not pressure.”
• Evening self-holding (5 minutes):
  Sit or lie down, arms wrapped around yourself. Whisper inwardly:“You showed up today. I saw how hard you tried. You’re not failing—you’re healing.”

These small acts are like drops in a well.
Over time, they replenish the deep reserve of presence you offer to your child.

3. Teaching Your Daughter by Living the Truth

Your daughter learns more from your embodied self-compassion than from any script.
When she sees you pause before reacting… ask for what you need… apologize sincerely… or say, “I need a moment to breathe”—she learns that being human is not shameful.

She learns that love includes limits.
That presence is not perfection.
That repair is possible.

And maybe, just maybe, she’ll grow up without the need to unlearn so much of what you’ve had to.

The Power of Repair: What To Do When You React Like Your Mother

There will be moments when you hear her voice in your own.
When the words slip out before you can stop them.
When your daughter flinches or shuts down, and you feel the sting of recognition—because you know that look. You wore it once.

And in that moment, the pain is twofold:
The grief of having repeated what hurt you…
And the shame of having hurt someone you love more than anything.

But let this truth soften your chest:

It’s not the rupture that defines the relationship.
It’s what happens next.

1. What Healing Looks Like: From Reaction to Repair

Parenting from a wound doesn’t mean you’re a bad mother.
It means you’re still in the process of healing—and that healing can continue inside your parenting, if you let it.

Here’s a gentle, step-by-step path:

1. Pause the inner critic.
   The voice that says “You’re just like her” or “You’ve ruined everything” isn’t the truth.
   It’s a part of you that’s afraid.
   You can respond:“I hear you. You’re scared I’m becoming the mother I had. But I’m not the same. I can choose differently now.”
2. Ground in your body.
   Feel your feet. Place a hand on your belly or heart. Breathe slowly.“I’m safe. She’s safe. I can reconnect.”
3. Approach your child softly.
   Eye level. Gentle tone. Open palms. You can say:“I’m really sorry. I got angry and I raised my voice. That must have felt scary. You didn’t deserve that. I love you, and I want to be gentle with you.”
4. Welcome her feelings, even if they’re about you.
   If she cries, hides, or says “I don’t like you,” hold space without defensiveness.“It’s okay to feel mad or sad. I’m listening. I’m here.”
5. Repair with your inner child, too.
   Later, speak to the little girl inside you:“I know that used to happen to you, and no one came to say sorry. But I’m here now. I see how hard you’re trying. You’re becoming someone new.”

This is what makes you different.
Not that you never lose your temper—but that you know how to come back. At the end of this article you can download my free journaling guide “After the Storm: A Journal for Mothers Who Want to Repair”.

2. Using IFS to Understand the “Reactive Part”

Through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS), we understand that the part of you who lashes out isn’t the whole of you.
She’s just one part—usually a protector, trying to keep you from feeling overwhelmed, helpless, or unseen (like you did as a child).

Instead of shaming her, you can get curious:

• “What are you afraid will happen if I don’t yell?”
• “When did you first learn to protect me this way?”
• “Would you be willing to let me respond from a calmer place next time?”

When your protector parts feel heard, they soften.
And your true Self—the wise, calm, loving inner parent—can step forward more often.

3. Healing Is the New Legacy

Every repair moment is a stitch in the fabric of trust.
And over time, your child internalizes this truth:
“Even when we mess up, love brings us back.”

More importantly, you internalize this, too.

You become not just a cycle-breaker, but a gentle witness to your own growth.
You begin to trust yourself. To forgive the moments of rupture.
To find grace in the mess.

Because healing doesn’t mean never breaking.
It means learning how to come back together.

Redefining Power — Shifting from Control to Connection

There comes a moment on the healing path—especially for daughters of controlling mothers—when we see ourselves doing what we swore we never would. The flash of anger, the loud voice, the sharp command. And suddenly, we’re not just trying to raise a child—we’re trying to escape a legacy.

But here’s the truth: what you’re feeling in that moment is not power. It’s panic dressed up as control.

The Illusion of Control

Control offers a false sense of safety. It tells us that if we can just make everything go right, if our child can just behave, then we won’t have to feel the ache of powerlessness. But that’s not parenting. That’s fear management.

When we were children, the authority in our home often felt like domination. Obedience was mistaken for respect. And power was used to silence, not to support.

So, as adults, we associate parental power with something dangerous or shameful. We either:

• Overcorrect by becoming passive, permissive, and over-accommodating
• Or unconsciously repeat the old model by using fear or control when we feel threatened or overwhelmed

Neither of these are true power.

What Is True Power in Parenthood?

True power is presence.
It’s the ability to hold space for intensity—your child’s and your own—without losing connection.
It’s setting a boundary with love instead of fear.
It’s choosing to pause when your nervous system screams “control!”

This is relational power. And it’s built on five core capacities:

1. Self-awareness:
   Recognizing when you\’re in survival mode. Naming your triggers. Noticing when the old scripts are playing out.
2. Emotional tolerance:
   Increasing your window of tolerance so that your child’s chaos doesn’t become your chaos. So that their big feelings don’t awaken your inner child’s panic.
3. Repair after rupture:
   Power is not in never yelling—it’s in knowing how to come back with humility and love.
4. Internal boundaries:
   Choosing not to act from the voice of the wounded inner child. Learning to say, “Not this time.”
5. Trust in the relationship:
   Believing that your child is not your adversary. That misbehavior is communication. That connection is more powerful than control.

How Do We Build This Kind of Power?

1. Rewire the pause:
Start noticing what happens before you react. What does your body feel like when you’re on the verge of snapping? What do you believe in that moment (about your child, or about yourself)?
Practice creating micro-pauses—a deep breath, a grounding touch to your chest, a whispered affirmation: “This isn’t an emergency.”

2. Work with the part of you that fears powerlessness:
Using Internal Family Systems (IFS), you might meet a part of you that hates feeling helpless. Maybe she grew up in chaos. Maybe she was never allowed to have needs. She learned that control was her only protection.
When you meet her with compassion, she doesn’t have to take over anymore.

3. Learn rupture and repair as a sacred rhythm:
Don’t aim to avoid all conflict. Learn to ride the waves. When rupture happens (because it will), guide yourself through a conscious repair. Speak the truth. Validate both of your experiences. Let love be spoken out loud. This builds resilience—in your child and in you.

4. Study your nervous system, not just your behavior:
Your triggers are stored in your body. Learn what brings you back to regulation. This might include somatic tracking (from Somatic Experiencing), grounding touch, orienting your senses, or movement. Create a “reconnection toolkit” for when you\’re dysregulated.

5. Shift the meaning of power:
If your definition of a “good mother” includes being perfectly calm and selfless, you will always feel like you’re failing. Instead, root into this new definition:

“A powerful mother is not one who never breaks.
She is one who learns how to gather the pieces and grow stronger in love.”

Integration and Final Thoughts — Becoming the Mother You Longed For

There is no greater spiritual initiation than parenting. It cracks us open in places we didn’t know were wounded. It reveals both the depth of our love and the depth of our pain.

If you are here, reading these words, it means you\’re doing the brave work of not passing the pain forward. You\’re not pretending the past didn’t shape you. You are daring to hold your child and your inner child in the same breath.

And that is nothing short of sacred.

You do not need to be perfect. You need to be present, willing, and humble enough to keep showing up. When you fall into old patterns—because you will—what matters most is how you return.

Let this be your quiet revolution:

• To pause instead of punish.
• To repair instead of retreat.
• To reconnect when you feel like running away.
• To speak truth and tenderness in the same sentence.

You\’re not just raising a child.
You\’re raising yourself.
You\’re becoming the mother you needed.
And in doing so, you\’re reshaping the lineage.

Download My Free Journal For A Gentle Step Toward Repair

After a hard moment with your child—whether you shouted, shut down, or acted out a pattern you swore you’d never repeat—it’s not too late.

You\’re invited to download my free guided journal:
“After the Storm: A Journal for Mothers Who Want to Repair”
Inside, you\’ll find:

• Gentle prompts to process what happened
• Simple tools to calm your nervous system
• Language for reconnecting after a rupture
• A space to reconnect with compassion—for your child and yourself

Let this be your quiet return.

Explore further:

🥰The Rewards of Motherhood: Finding Meaning, Growth, and Everyday Magic

🌒The Unexpected Challenges of Motherhood: A Dark Night of the Soul

🧘‍♀️Restorative Yoga for Deep Healing: How to Use Stillness to Rewire Your Nervous System