Healing the Void: From CEN to Wholeness, A Psychological and Seasonal Journey

Tag: heroine’s journey motherhood

  • The Heroine’s Journey Through Motherhood: A Path of Healing for Emotionally Neglected Daughters

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    The heroine’s journey through motherhood

    When Motherhood Becomes a Portal

    Becoming a mother is often painted as a blissful beginning, yet for many women—especially those who grew up with unmet emotional needs—it is far more than that. It’s a profound inner journey. A descent, a cracking open, and, if we dare to walk through it with awareness, a return to wholeness.

    This is not just a story of feeding and soothing. It’s the archetypal Heroine’s Journey: the call, the resistance, the descent into the unknown, and the hard-earned return—not as the same person, but as someone reborn.

    If you were raised without emotional safety, validation, or nurturing, motherhood can awaken what’s been buried.It can expose the emotional void and bring to light the grief you’ve long avoided. But it can also become the very path through which you heal.

    In this article, we’ll walk this journey stage by stage, grounded in archetypal psychology and interwoven with tools for healing. Each section includes:

    • A reflection on the stage and its emotional landscape
    • Journal prompts to help you explore it personally
    • Self-care practices to regulate and nurture yourself
    • A mythological or story-based image to anchor you
    • And toward the end—a collection of resources to continue your journey

    You don’t have to walk this path alone.

    The Ordinary World – Before the Call

    Before pregnancy, there’s often a quiet belief: “I’ve survived just fine. I’m strong. I don’t need anyone.”

    Many CEN daughters are emotionally self-sufficient, high-functioning, and even disconnected from their own bodies. They may carry an invisible grief—longing for something unnamed, feeling like something was always missing but unsure what it was. They often don’t associate this with childhood, let alone expect motherhood to change it.

    But something stirs. A longing. A curiosity. A fear.

    Journal Prompts:

    • When I think back to myself before becoming a mother, what beliefs did I hold about emotions and vulnerability?
    • In what ways did I learn to survive by staying emotionally self-contained?
    • Did I ever long to be mothered? If so, what did that look or feel like?

    Self-Care Practice:
    Mirror Touch — Stand or sit in front of a mirror. Gently place a hand over your heart and look into your own eyes. Say: “I see you. You’ve come so far.” Breathe. Repeat a few times.

    Mythological Parallel:
    Artemis, the maiden goddess of the wild, lives freely and untouched. Independent, capable—and emotionally walled off. Before the journey, she is whole in her aloneness. But life always calls us into deeper relational truth.

    The Call to Adventure – Conception or the Desire to Mother

    The call often comes quietly. A pregnancy test. A sudden longing. A vision of motherhood that surprises even you. Or perhaps a child arrives unplanned, and the body says “yes” before the mind can catch up.

    For many emotionally neglected women, this moment is complicated. It’s not just a call to motherhood—it’s a call into the unknown, into emotional territory never mapped before.

    There’s often a deep tenderness hidden beneath the fear:
    Can I really offer love I never received? Can I mother without a model? Can I trust myself?

    This stage is filled with ambivalence. Excitement mixed with dread. Hope tangled with old wounds.

    But that’s the nature of the Call. It doesn’t arrive when we’re ready. It arrives when we’re open.

    Journal Prompts:

    • What was my first emotional reaction to becoming a mother (or to the idea of it)?
    • What did I fear I wouldn’t be able to give my child?
    • Did this moment stir grief, or awaken unmet needs from my own childhood?

    Self-Care Practice:
    Womb Listening — Whether pregnant or not, place your hands over your womb. Close your eyes and ask: What do you need right now? Breathe and wait. Let the body speak.

    Mythological Parallel:
    Demeter, goddess of harvest, becomes a mother to Persephone. But when Persephone is taken, her grief halts all growth. Her story reminds us that motherhood awakens our fiercest love—and our deepest fear of loss.

    Refusing the Call – Fear, Anxiety, and Self-Doubt

    The moment we say yes to motherhood—whether through conception, birth, or even just the idea of becoming a mother—there’s often an immediate emotional backlash.

    “I’m not ready.” “What have I done?” “I can’t do this.”

    This is the Refusal of the Call. Not because we are weak—but because the path touches every hidden wound.
    For the CEN woman, this is where deep self-doubt awakens. Without a solid emotional blueprint, fear rushes in.

    • Fear of inadequacy
    • Fear of being like your mother
    • Fear of failing your child in unseen ways
    • Fear of needing others too much

    You may find yourself over-preparing or emotionally freezing. Or feeling numb, like it’s happening to someone else. This is a trauma response—and a very human one.

    The refusal is part of the story. Don’t resist it. Witness it.

    Journal Prompts:

    • What was I most afraid of in the early stages of motherhood?
    • Did I judge myself for these feelings? Who else’s voice was in my head?
    • When I think of “being a mother,” what negative associations arise?

    Self-Care Practice:
    Fear Letter — Write a letter from your fear, giving it a voice. Let it speak without censoring. Then write a response from your wiser, grounded self. Burn or safely release both when ready.

    Mythological Parallel:
    In many myths, the hero or heroine turns away from the journey at first. Even Inanna, queen of heaven, trembles before descending into the underworld. The refusal is not failure—it is preparation for transformation.

    Crossing the Threshold – Birth and Initiation

    This is the moment the world changes forever.

    Birth—whether smooth or traumatic, natural or surgical—is a threshold experience. Something dies, and something is born. The woman you were dissolves, and the mother begins to emerge.

    But it’s not just about the baby’s arrival. It’s the shattering of who you thought you were.
    The identity, the control, the emotional coping mechanisms—they often no longer work.
    For CEN women, this is particularly intense. Without a strong model for emotional attunement or comfort, the raw vulnerability of birth and early postpartum can feel like drowning.

    Tears, rage, numbness, confusion—they’re all part of the initiation. You may grieve not having been mothered this way. You may feel shame for not “bonding instantly.” You may feel deeply alone, even when surrounded by others.

    This is the descent. And it’s holy.

    Journal Prompts:

    • What emotions did I feel during birth and the early postpartum?
    • What shocked me the most about this stage?
    • What old wounds did this initiation awaken?

    Self-Care Practice:
    Postpartum Altar — Create a small space with objects that represent your transition: a baby photo, a shell, a stone, a flower, something broken and beautiful. Sit with it each day for a few minutes. Breathe. Honor the shift.

    Mythological Parallel:
    Inanna’s descent into the underworld strips her of everything: power, jewels, dignity. Only then can she meet her shadow sister. Birth does this too—it brings us to our knees so we can rise true.

    The Belly of the Whale – Isolation, Overwhelm, and the Breaking Point

    This is the moment no one warns you about.

    Not the birth. Not the sleepless nights. But the silent scream of “I’ve lost myself.”
    The ache of sitting in a dark room with a crying baby, not knowing if you’ll ever feel like “you” again.
    The quiet resentment toward your partner, your body, or even the child you love so fiercely.
    And the shame that follows all of it.

    This stage can last weeks or years. It may be peppered with smiles and baby giggles—but inside, it feels like you’ve been swallowed whole.

    For the CEN mother, the inner critic is relentless here.

    • “You’re too emotional.”
    • “You should be grateful.”
    • “Don’t need so much.”
      These are the inherited voices. They keep you from reaching out. They convince you that your pain is weakness.

    But this dark, painful chamber is where the magic happens. It’s not about escaping it—it’s about letting yourself be remade by it.

    Journal Prompts:

    • What parts of myself have I lost—or am afraid of losing?
    • When I feel overwhelmed, what do I most long for?
    • What would it mean to allow myself to be supported here?

    Self-Care Practice:
    Name the Need — When overwhelmed, pause and ask: “What do I need right now?” Choose one word: sleep, touch, water, silence, help, validation. Then ask: Can I offer that to myself, or ask someone for it?

    Mythological Parallel:
    Jonah in the belly of the whale. Inanna hanging lifeless on the hook. Psyche performing impossible tasks. These stories echo the truth: the deepest darkness is not punishment—it’s preparation.

    It’s here that the old ways die, and the new self begins to form.

    The Meeting with the Inner Guide – The Reclamation of the Self

    After the darkness of the whale’s belly, something unexpected happens. Not a rescue. Not a miracle.
    A whisper.

    A quiet moment—maybe while nursing in the moonlight, or crying on the kitchen floor—when you hear your own voice again.
    “I’m still here.”

    This is the moment the Inner Guide awakens.

    For the CEN mother, this voice may have been silent your whole life. You were taught to suppress needs, to stay small, to disappear emotionally. But now—because your child needs a whole mother—you begin reclaiming your wholeness.

    You realize that your pain holds wisdom. That your body has something to say. That your own mother’s story is not your destiny.

    This guide might speak in therapy. Or in journaling. Or in your dreams. It might arrive in the form of rage—or tenderness. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you listen.

    This is your rebirth.

    Journal Prompts:

    • What truths about myself am I beginning to remember?
    • What does my inner guide sound like? How is she different from the inner critic?
    • What kind of mother do I want to be—and what kind of woman?

    Self-Care Practice:
    Mirror Work — Each morning or night, stand before a mirror. Look into your eyes and say: “I see you. You matter. You are learning to love.” Start with one minute a day. You may cry. That’s healing.

    Mythological Parallel:
    In Psyche’s final task, she opens a box meant for Persephone and falls into a death-like sleep. But she is awakened by Love. In every myth, the inner guide is born when we face death and choose life.

    The Return – Integration, Reconnection, and Sharing the Wisdom

    This is not a neat ending. There is no finish line. But something has shifted.

    You begin to feel the ground beneath your feet again.
    Your baby is growing. You are growing.
    You laugh without guilt. You cry without shame. You begin to speak honestly with those closest to you.

    You’re not the same—and you’re not trying to be. You’ve walked through grief, fear, exhaustion, rage, and rebirth.
    You have met the parts of yourself that were silenced long ago—and you chose to stay.

    The Return is about integration:

    • Reclaiming emotional needs without apology
    • Offering empathy to your partner while also setting boundaries
    • Trusting your body and intuition
    • Living in rhythm, not reaction

    And most of all, it’s about offering your wisdom—not as advice, but as embodied presence.

    For many CEN mothers, this return is also the beginning of reparenting yourself.
    And that, too, is an act of mothering.

    Journal Prompts:

    • What have I learned that I would want to pass on to other mothers?
    • What parts of me are now more alive than before motherhood?
    • What would returning “home” to myself look like?

    Self-Care Practice:
    Offer It Forward — When you feel resourced, offer one small gesture of compassion to another mother: a knowing look, a kind text, a homemade meal. Each act anchors your return.

    Mythological Parallel:
    In The Odyssey, Odysseus returns home not as a conquering hero, but as a man changed by suffering and love. The return is not about glory. It’s about presence.
    So too, the mother returns—not to who she was, but to who she has become.

    Conclusion – The Journey That Transforms Us All

    Motherhood is not just a role—it’s a transformation.

    It invites the CEN woman into the wildest healing journey of her life. Not by force, but by invitation.
    It asks her to meet her own pain with compassion. To grieve. To re-mother. To become whole.

    This is not the path of perfection.
    It is the path of return.
    And return is sacred.

    You are the heroine.
    You are the guide your child needs.
    And slowly, tenderly—you are becoming the mother you never had.

    BONUS: The Mother’s Journey Companion

    A Journal & Practice Guide for the Emotionally Neglected Mother

    A printable free PDF companion with:

    • All stage-specific journal prompts
    • Simple daily self-care practices
    • Myth quotes

    How to Use This Companion

    • Choose one stage at a time—no need to follow the order.
    • Reflect with journal prompts during quiet moments (nap time, after bedtime, early mornings).
    • Try one self-care practice per week—repeat what soothes you.
    • Reread myth quotes as affirmations or meditations.
    Download for free

    Resource List

    A curated guide for further exploration into motherhood, mythology, healing from emotional neglect, and the heroine’s journey.

    Books & Articles

    • “The Heroine’s Journey” by Maureen Murdock – A foundational text that reframes Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey through the feminine psyche.
    • “Motherwhelmed” by Beth Berry – Explores the emotional and systemic load of modern motherhood, especially for sensitive, introspective mothers.
    • “The Drama of the Gifted Child” by Alice Miller – For unpacking childhood emotional neglect and its long-term effects.
    • “The Wild Mother” by Michaela Boehm – Bridging myth, sensuality, and motherhood.
    • “Untamed” by Glennon Doyle – A modern call to reclaim selfhood in the midst of social and maternal conditioning.
    • “The Fourth Trimester” by Kimberly Ann Johnson – A practical and emotional guide to postpartum healing.

    Mythology Sources

    • The Descent of Inanna – Ancient Sumerian text, translated by Diane Wolkstein & Samuel Noah Kramer
    • Psyche and Eros – Retold in The Golden Ass by Apuleius (2nd century AD)
    • Demeter and Persephone – As told in the Homeric Hymns

    Podcasts & Talks

    • Motherhood Sessions with Alexandra Sacks (psychodynamic perspective on motherhood)
    • The Mythic Masculine podcast (explores feminine and masculine archetypes)

    Q&A: The Heroine’s Journey and Motherhood

    Q1: What is the heroine’s journey in motherhood?
    The heroine’s journey is a psychological and spiritual map of transformation. In motherhood, it reflects the inner metamorphosis that happens as a woman moves through conception, pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and the redefinition of self. Unlike the hero’s journey, it emphasizes descent, surrender, and cyclical integration — not conquest or external success.

    Q2: How is this journey different for mothers who experienced emotional neglect?
    Mothers who grew up emotionally neglected may feel disoriented, hyper-responsible, or disconnected in early motherhood. The heroine’s journey offers a compassionate map — one that validates confusion, rage, numbness, and grief as natural parts of transformation, rather than failures.

    Q3: Can this journey apply to adoptive mothers, stepmothers, or non-birthing parents?
    Absolutely. The journey is not about biology but inner evolution. Any caregiver or woman undergoing deep identity shifts and reorienting toward care, presence, and self-healing can relate to this map.

    Q4: What if I don’t feel transformed — just exhausted?
    Then you are in the thick of the journey. Transformation often doesn’t feel like a lightning bolt — it feels like unraveling. This guide is here to hold space for exactly that: the slow, aching alchemy of change.

    Q5: How do I revisit these stages when I feel lost again?
    You can move through this journey more than once. Keep the journal prompts and practices nearby. Let yourself move non-linearly. Some seasons are for descent; others are for emerging.

    Explore further:

    The Rewards of Motherhood: Finding Meaning, Growth, and Everyday Magic

    From Maiden to Mother: A Journaling Guide for Embracing the Transition

    Motherhood as a Journey of Growth: Embracing the Transition from Maiden to Mother

  • The Rewards of Motherhood: Finding Meaning, Growth, and Everyday Magic

    Motherhood is often framed in terms of exhaustion, sacrifice, and struggle. And while those realities are undeniable, they’re only part of the picture. What’s often overlooked is the deep, soul-nourishing fulfillment that comes with being a mother. The moments of pure love, the personal transformation, the unexpected glimpses of beauty—these are the treasures of motherhood.

    This article is about those rewards: the glimmers, the growth, the meaning. We’ll explore:

    • Glimmers of joy—those small, everyday moments that light up your nervous system with warmth.
    • Motherhood as a path of personal growth—including the heroine’s journey and shadow work.
    • A renewed sense of meaning and purpose—how mothering fulfills core human needs, including the need for status, purpose, and belonging (as described in the Human Givens theory).
    • Journaling prompts to enhance your sense of gratitude, accomplishment, and connection.

    Glimmers: The Small Moments That Make It All Worth It

    “Glimmers” is a term from Polyvagal Theory, describing tiny, positive moments that regulate our nervous system and bring us feelings of safety and joy. Unlike trauma triggers, which activate our fight-or-flight response, glimmers activate the parasympathetic nervous system, allowing us to feel deeply connected and present.

    Motherhood is full of these fleeting yet powerful experiences:

    • The way your child’s face lights up when they see you after a short separation.
    • The feeling of a tiny, warm hand wrapped around your finger.
    • Hearing your child’s first “I love you” or feeling their soft breath as they sleep against you.
    • When your child shares something personal with you, revealing their trust and love.
    • The deep exhale of relief when a fussy baby finally settles into sleep in your arms.
    • A moment of uncontrollable laughter over something silly and unexpected.
    • Seeing your own childhood reflected in their eyes, their joy, their curiosity.
    • When they comfort you, showing an unfiltered, intuitive love.
    • The peace of watching them explore—digging in the dirt, chasing birds, splashing in water.
    • The way your heart swells when you see them accomplish something for the first time.

    Exercise: Identifying Your Own Glimmers

    Take a moment to reflect on the glimmers in your own motherhood journey. If you struggle to notice them, try keeping a “Glimmers Journal”—each night, write down one small but beautiful moment from the day. Over time, you’ll start to train your brain to see and savor these moments.

    Motherhood as a Journey of Personal Growth and Shadow Work

    Motherhood isn’t just about raising children—it’s also about raising yourself into a more healed, self-aware version of you. It’s one of life’s most intense catalysts for growth, forcing you to confront:

    • Your own childhood wounds (triggers from the past surface in your reactions to your child).
    • Perfectionism and control (learning to embrace the chaos of parenting).
    • Patience and surrender (realizing you cannot rush the process of childhood).
    • Boundaries and self-worth (understanding that your needs matter too).

    The Heroine’s Journey in Motherhood

    Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey is often applied to male-dominated myths, but Maureen Murdock’s Heroine’s Journey describes the feminine path of transformation. Motherhood aligns perfectly with this model:

    • Separation from the old self—Becoming a mother shatters your previous identity.
    • Descent into the underworld—Experiencing overwhelm, exhaustion, or identity loss.
    • Meeting the shadow—Facing deep-seated fears, wounds, and childhood conditioning.
    • Integration and rebirth—Emerging with a new sense of self, purpose, and inner strength.

    Rather than resisting these challenges, recognizing them as part of a powerful transformation can help reframe motherhood as a path of deep personal healing.

    For a deeper exploration of this topic, read: The Heroine’s Journey Through Motherhood: A Path of Healing for Emotionally Neglected Daughters

    Fulfillment: How Motherhood Meets Core Human Needs

    The Human Givens framework teaches that every human has biological and emotional needs, including:

    • The need for meaning and purpose → Motherhood provides an unparalleled sense of purpose, knowing you are shaping the next generation.
    • The need for status and recognition → While society often downplays the importance of motherhood, its biological and evolutionary role is one of the highest forms of social contribution.
    • The need for connection and belonging → Children offer a unique, deeply bonded relationship that fulfills our drive for attachment.

    Recognizing these fulfilled needs can help counterbalance the cultural narratives that often diminish the significance of motherhood.

    How Motherhood Connects You to Something Bigger

    Motherhood can feel isolating, but at the same time, it connects you to something vast and ancient.

    • A sense of legacy – You pass down wisdom, stories, love.
    • A deeper connection to nature – Pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, and sleep cycles all mirror the rhythms of the natural world.
    • A link to all mothers before you – Every culture, every time in history, mothers have felt what you feel.

    Carl Jung & The Universal Mother Archetype

    Jungian psychology speaks of the Mother Archetype, a universal symbol of creation, nourishment, and protection. Whether we realize it or not, when we mother, we step into an ancient role—one that has existed across every culture.

    • You are part of something bigger.
    • You carry forward the essence of life itself.
    • You are both an individual and a link in an unbroken chain.

    Journaling Prompts for Gratitude and a Sense of Accomplishment + Free PDF Journal

    Journaling is a powerful tool for rewiring the brain to notice and appreciate motherhood’s rewards. Try these prompts:

    • What is one small moment today that made me feel deeply connected to my child?
    • How has motherhood helped me grow emotionally?
    • What is something I handled well as a mother today?
    • How has my sense of meaning and purpose changed since becoming a parent?
    • What childhood wounds am I healing through my parenting?
    • How can I reframe a current challenge as an opportunity for personal growth?
    • What do I love most about this stage of motherhood?

    Journaling can be a powerful tool to deepen your connection to motherhood, find meaning in everyday moments, and process personal growth. Download this free worksheet with 30 journaling prompts to guide your reflections and cultivate gratitude on your motherhood journey (no email required).

    Downloaded journaling worksheet for free

    Q&A Section: Common Questions About Finding Fulfillment in Motherhood

    Q: What if I don’t feel the rewards of motherhood right now?
    A: It’s completely normal to go through seasons of burnout and emotional exhaustion. That doesn’t mean motherhood isn’t meaningful—it simply means you need support and self-care to refill your emotional reserves.

    Q: How do I stop focusing on the struggles and see more of the beauty?
    A: Awareness is the first step. Practices like mindfulness, gratitude journaling, and actively noticing glimmers can rewire your brain to focus on positive moments.

    Q: Does fulfillment in motherhood mean I don’t need anything outside of it?
    A: No! Motherhood is meaningful, but it’s not your only source of fulfillment. Personal passions, friendships, and self-care are equally important.

    Conclusion: Embracing the Rewards of Motherhood

    Motherhood isn’t just about giving—it’s also about receiving. The love, the lessons, the small moments of joy—these are all gifts. By intentionally recognizing these rewards, we can shift from feeling overwhelmed by the struggles to feeling deeply nourished by the experience.

    What is it that you love about being a mother? What are your glimmers? Share in the comments, I’d love to hear from you!

    Looking to explore the maiden to mother transition? Motherhood as a Journey of Growth: Embracing the Transition from Maiden to Mother

    Searching for a transformational book? See why Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood is an excellent choice.

    References

    • Porges, S. (1995). Polyvagal Theory: The Role of the Vagus Nerve in Emotion and Social Connection.
    • Murdock, M. (1990). The Heroine’s Journey: Woman’s Quest for Wholeness.
    • Griffin, J., & Tyrrell, I. (2003). Human Givens: The New Approach to Emotional Health and Clear Thinking.

  • The Unexpected Challenges of Motherhood: A Dark Night of the Soul

    Motherhood arrives like a tide, reshaping everything in its wake. You expected sleepless nights, endless feedings, and tender moments—but not this deep, aching sense of loss. The feeling of standing at the edge of yourself, looking for the woman you once were.

    You love your child fiercely, but somewhere along the way, you have disappeared.

    If this resonates, you are not alone. Many mothers experience a Dark Night of the Soul—a painful but profound transformation. This is not just exhaustion. It is an identity shift, a confrontation with buried wounds, and an invitation to rediscover yourself.

    Let’s explore why this happens, the psychological frameworks that can help, and how to find your way through.

    The Dark Night of the Soul in Motherhood: A Spiritual and Psychological Shift

    The Dark Night of the Soul, a term from the 16th-century mystic St. John of the Cross, describes a period of deep inner struggle where old identities fall away, leaving space for a more authentic self to emerge.

    For mothers, this often looks like:

    • Feeling disconnected from your old self.
    • Longing for freedom, spontaneity, or creative expression.
    • Feeling guilt for not always enjoying motherhood.
    • Resentment toward the relentless demands of caregiving.
    • A sense of isolation, even in a full household.

    These feelings are not a failure of love—they are part of a transformation.

    Psychologists now recognize this shift as Matrescence, the process of becoming a mother, which is just as disorienting as adolescence.

    Matrescence: Why Motherhood Feels Like an Identity Crisis

    What Is Matrescence?

    Coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael (1975), matrescence describes the physical, emotional, and psychological transformation that happens when a woman becomes a mother. Unlike the abrupt shifts of puberty, matrescence can last for years.

    A study by Saxbe et al. (2018) found that pregnancy and early motherhood literally rewire the brain, strengthening neural circuits related to caregiving while temporarily reducing areas linked to self-focus. This helps mothers attune to their babies—but can also explain why many feel they’ve lost themselves.

    How to Work with Matrescence Instead of Against It

    Instead of resisting this transformation, embrace it with gentle self-inquiry:

    • What parts of me feel lost, and which parts are simply changing?
    • How can I honor my needs while caring for my child?
    • What new strengths am I discovering in myself?

    → Journaling Exercise:
    Write a letter to your pre-motherhood self. Describe what has changed, what you grieve, and what you have gained. Then, write a response from your future self—someone who has integrated motherhood and selfhood in a way that feels whole.

    The Heroine’s Journey: A Psychological Framework for Motherhood

    What Is the Heroine’s Journey?

    In The Heroine’s Journey (1990), Maureen Murdock describes a path distinct from the traditional hero’s quest. While the hero battles external enemies, the heroine’s journey is internal—a descent into self-discovery and integration.

    How Motherhood Mirrors the Heroine’s Journey

    1. Separation from the Old Self

    • You begin motherhood with expectations—often shaped by culture, family, or social media.
    • The early months bring exhaustion, identity shifts, and the realization that motherhood is not what you imagined.

    2. The Dark Night of the Soul (Crisis & Identity Loss)

    • This is where many mothers struggle. The exhaustion, the loss of autonomy, the pressure to do everything \”right.\”
    • Childhood wounds resurface, especially if you grew up with emotional neglect (CEN) or insecure attachment. → Reflective Exercise:
      Ask yourself: What did I crave most as a child? How can I give this to myself now? If you longed for gentleness, for example, how can you create moments of softness in your daily life?

    If you find journaling helpful and would like to dive deeper, explore this guide with 30+ prompts.

    3. Meeting the Shadow (Facing Buried Wounds & Expectations)

    • Many mothers over-schedule themselves to avoid emotions.
    • Cultural narratives (“good mothers are selfless”) clash with the need for self-care. → Practical Step:
      Make a “No Longer List”—things you will no longer do in order to reclaim space for yourself. Example: I will no longer apologize for needing rest. I will no longer say yes out of guilt.

    4. Integration & Self-Reclamation

    • Slowly, you rebuild your sense of self—not as who you were before, but as someone stronger, deeper, and more whole.
    • You learn to mother yourself as well as your child.

    Polyvagal Theory: Why Motherhood Feels Overwhelming

    How Your Nervous System Responds to Stress

    According to Dr. Stephen Porges (1994), the nervous system has three main states:

    • Ventral Vagal (Safe & Connected) → Feeling present, open, emotionally available.
    • Sympathetic (Fight-or-Flight) → Feeling anxious, overwhelmed, overstimulated.
    • Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown/Freeze) → Feeling numb, disconnected, running on autopilot.

    Many mothers oscillate between fight-or-flight and shutdown, leading to exhaustion.

    How to Regulate Your Nervous System

    → Grounding Exercise:

    • Place a hand over your heart.
    • Inhale deeply for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 6.
    • Whisper to yourself, I am safe. I am allowed to rest.

    → Physical Self-Regulation:

    • Humming or singing (activates the vagus nerve).
    • Swaying or rocking (mimics the soothing movement of being held).
    • Warmth (a warm cup of tea, a bath, a blanket).

    Practical Self-Care for the Mother Who Feels Lost

    1. Micro-Restoration Practices (Tiny Acts of Self-Reclamation)

    • 2-minute sensory reset: Close your eyes, inhale a familiar scent (lavender, citrus), and notice how your body responds.
    • Drink your tea while it\’s hot. (It sounds simple, but how often do you let it go cold?)
    • Reclaim a 5-minute daily ritual. (Reading, stretching, journaling, lighting a candle.)

    2. Emotional Nourishment

    • Say \”Yes\” to help. Let someone else hold the baby while you rest.
    • Seek out other mothers who “get it.” Motherhood was never meant to be done alone.

    Stories from Mothers Who Have Been There

    Emma, 34: “I thought losing my freedom would be the hardest part of motherhood. But really, it was losing myself. I started writing poetry again, just five minutes a day. It reminded me that I still exist outside of motherhood.”

    Maya, 29: “I realized I was filling my schedule so I wouldn’t have to sit with my emotions. I thought being busy meant being productive. But slowing down was what I actually needed.”

    A Letter to the Mother Who Feels Lost

    Dear woman,

    I see you. I see the exhaustion, the quiet grief, the depth of your love, the intensity of your pain.

    You are not broken. You are becoming.

    One day, you will look back and see that you did not disappear in motherhood—you were remade.

    With love,
    A fellow traveler, once surrounded by darkness

    • Murdock, M. (1990). The Heroine’s Journey: Woman’s Quest for Wholeness. Shambhala Publications. Overview of the Heroine\’s Journey
    • Porges, S. W. (1995). \”Orienting in a defensive world: Mammalian modifications of our evolutionary heritage. A Polyvagal Theory.\” Psychophysiology, 32(4), 301-318. Polyvagal Theory Overview
    • Raphael, D. (1975). The Tender Gift: Breastfeeding. Schocken Books.
    • Saxbe, D., Golan, O., & Moses-Kolko, E. L. (2018). \”Neurobiological adaptations to motherhood: Implications for parental behavior.\” Current Opinion in Psychology, 15, 26-32.
    • St. John of the Cross (1578). Dark Night of the Soul.
    • Winnicott, D. W. (1960). \”The theory of the parent-infant relationship.\” International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 41, 585-595.

    Comment & Connect

    What part of this resonated with you? How have you navigated the unexpected challenges of motherhood? Share in the comments—I’d love to hear your story.

    Prepared for a deeper exploration of the maiden to mother transition?Check out the following guide. 

    Looking for a transformational book? See why Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood is an excellent choice.