Exploring how attraction can illuminate unmet needs, guide inner healing, and deepen connection with yourself and your marriage
Perhaps you notice yourself drawn to another man—someone vibrant, attentive, playful, or adventurous—while simultaneously feeling a twinge of guilt, confusion, or even fear. The experience can be bewildering. You may wonder what it says about you, about your marriage, or about your worth.
“These feelings are not a moral failing. They are a message from a part of you longing to be seen, held, or recognized.”
If you grew up with childhood emotional neglect (CEN), this inner child still carries the memory of being overlooked, unheard, or unacknowledged (Webb, 2002). In the person you feel drawn to, your inner child perceives qualities—attention, attunement, vitality—that may have been scarce in your early life. That recognition can feel electric, almost irresistible.
Psychologist Dorothy Tennov (1979) called this experience limerence: a powerful, often overwhelming attraction that sweeps through heart and mind, combining longing, obsession, and heightened emotional reactivity.
At the same time, another part of you may pull back. You may long for intimacy with your husband yet feel frightened of being vulnerable, engulfed, or hurt. This tension—the push and pull between closeness and avoidance—is characteristic of a fearful-avoidant attachment pattern (Main & Solomon, 1990).
It is a familiar dance for those of us whose early emotional needs were inconsistently met: a simultaneous desire for connection and a protective retreat, joy intertwined with guilt, longing entangled with fear.
“The man who feels so magnetic is not just himself. He acts as a mirror, reflecting qualities your heart has been aching for: attentiveness, curiosity, playfulness, courage, vitality.”
The spark you feel is not necessarily a call to action. Instead, it is a messenger, pointing to areas of your inner world and your marriage that need attention, care, and gentle integration. Every rush of excitement, every pang of longing, is a clue to what might be nurtured within yourself—and, with conscious intention, within your marriage.
The Science Behind the Pull
It can be tempting to view attraction as a threat, a sign of something “wrong” with your marriage, or even with yourself. Yet what if it is not a warning, but a messenger?
Limerence—the flood of thoughts, longing, and yearning—is rarely about the other person alone. It is about parts of you that are still seeking recognition, attention, and attunement.
Neuroscience has shown that limerence activates brain circuits tied to reward, craving, and anticipation (Fisher, 2004). Dopamine surges create obsession, excitement, and the sense that fulfillment might lie outside. For those who experienced emotional neglect in childhood, these circuits are especially sensitive, and moments of perceived attention or recognition can trigger intense longing (Webb, 2002).
Attachment theory provides another lens. When part of you craves closeness while another part retreats in fear, you may be navigating a fearful-avoidant attachment pattern (Main & Solomon, 1990). Adults with this pattern are more likely to experience intense infatuations outside primary relationships and to feel internal conflict around intimacy (Hazan & Shaver, 1987).
“Limerence can awaken exiled parts of you, revealing longings that have been silent for years.”
Childhood emotional neglect often leaves a “missing self,” parts of you that never received adequate mirroring or validation (Webb, 2002). The qualities that draw you to another person—playfulness, tenderness, curiosity, courage—may reveal what your inner child has been longing for all along.
Acting impulsively on these feelings rarely satisfies the underlying need. Research indicates that pursuing external sparks can deepen shame and disconnection rather than resolve inner longing (Blow & Hartnett, 2005).
Yet, if read as symbolic messages about unmet needs, the attraction can be a guide—a teacher reflecting what your heart longs to nurture in yourself and within your marriage.
Working With the Feelings: Gentle Pathways
Attraction, longing, and the pull toward someone else can feel overwhelming. But you don’t have to act on these feelings to learn from them. The first step is curiosity. The second is care—care for the part of you that feels in love, and care for the parts that are fearful, protective, or ashamed.
Listening to the Part That Loves
Try approaching your feelings as if they were coming from a younger, tender part of yourself. In Internal Family Systems (IFS) terms, this is the part drawn to someone else because it seeks qualities it feels are missing.
You might silently ask:
“What do you feel when you think about this person?”
“What do you long for in this feeling?”
“What do you need from me or from life that I haven’t given yet?”
Notice the answers without judgment. Naming these needs—attention, curiosity, play, tenderness—can calm the rest of your system and create an internal sense of safety.
Journaling as a Mirror
Writing helps track patterns and understand meaning. You might reflect:
“What qualities in this person feel magnetic, and where do I already see glimpses of them in my marriage?”
“What unmet needs does this longing reveal?”
“How does my inner child hope these feelings might be fulfilled?”
“Which parts of me are afraid, and what are they protecting me from?”
Let the writing flow freely. There is no need to create a plan or resolve a dilemma—this is listening deeply.
Bringing Awareness into Your Marriage
The qualities you find magnetic outside your marriage often highlight what could be nurtured inside it. Small, conscious experiments can make a meaningful difference:
- Introduce playful or spontaneous moments together.
- Share curiosity or adventure, even in tiny ways.
- Practice vulnerability, asking your partner about his needs and noticing how both of you respond.
These are not attempts to force intimacy but invitations to expand presence and connection consciously.
Calming the Nervous System
Limerence can flood the body with dopamine and adrenaline, creating restlessness, obsession, or agitation. Gentle practices can help:
- Deep breathing, mindful exhalations, or 4-7-8 breathing.
- Somatic tracking: notice where longing shows up in the body—tight chest, fluttering stomach, shoulder tension—and breathe into that space.
- Movement, yoga, or walking, allowing excess energy to release instead of remaining trapped in thought.
Setting Boundaries
Even reflection does not eliminate temptation. Boundaries protect your inner and outer life:
- Limit exposure to the person you feel drawn to—social media, messages, or one-on-one interactions.
- Notice urges and redirect attention to journaling, your partner, or your body.
- Seek support from therapy, trusted friends, or women’s groups who understand these patterns, providing a safe container for reflection and accountability.
Your Free Guide to Continue The Journey
You do not have to navigate these feelings alone. I offer this free companion guide with additional journaling prompts, exercises for connecting with inner parts, and gentle tools for nurturing your marriage.
Recommended Resources
📚Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love by Dorothy Tennov
If you’re curious to understand why attraction outside your marriage can feel so intense, this is an invaluable book. Tennov explores the overwhelming emotional state of limerence with compassion and depth, showing how it can reveal unmet needs within ourselves and illuminate parts of our hearts that long to be seen and nurtured. Reading this book alongside the exercises in my free guide can help you approach these feelings with curiosity and care, transforming what feels like a threat into a pathway toward self-awareness, emotional healing, and a deeper connection with both yourself and your marriage.
If you’d like to read it in paperback and support my work at no extra cost, I’d be so grateful if you use this link. I choose Bookshop because each purchase also supports independent bookstores.
🔗 Living with Limerence
This website, created by neuroscientist Dr. Tom Bellamy, offers a wealth of information on limerence, including personal stories, scientific research, and practical advice for managing the emotional intensity associated with limerence. It’s a supportive community for those seeking to understand and navigate their experiences with limerence.
Final Words
“By reading the spark as a message rather than a mandate, you honor the essence of love within yourself.”
The spark becomes a guide, illuminating where your heart wants to grow and how love—both given and received—can deepen. In quiet awareness, gentle curiosity, and tender attention, longing transforms from a threat into a pathway toward wholeness.
References
- Blow, A. J., & Hartnett, K. (2005). Infidelity in committed relationships II: A substantive review. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 31(2), 217–233.
- Fisher, H. (2004). Why we love: The nature and chemistry of romantic love. Henry Holt & Co.
- Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524.
- Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1990). Procedures for identifying infants as disorganized/disoriented during the Ainsworth Strange Situation. Attachment in the Preschool Years, 121–160.
- Tennov, D. (1979). Love and limerence: The experience of being in love. Stein & Day.
- Webb, J. (2002). Running on empty: Overcome your childhood emotional neglect. Morgan Road Books.
- Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find – and keep – love. TarcherPerigee.
Explore Further:
Why Couples Bicker Over Small Things: How Unmet Needs Fuel Conflict—And What to Do Instead
Dopamine-Seeking Habits and CEN: Relationship Highs and Emotional Chaos (Part 6 of 6)
Safe in the Age Gap: How Childhood Emotional Neglect Shapes Our Love Lives
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