If you’ve ever felt stung when your toddler snatched a toy, called you “mean,” or smashed something right after you’d asked them not to, you’re not alone. Many loving parents feel shocked, hurt, or worried in these moments. You might wonder: “Does my child care about me at all? Why don’t they understand?”
Here’s the truth: what often feels like rejection or defiance is usually just development unfolding. Your child isn’t trying to be unkind—they’re simply at a stage where empathy, sharing, or self-control aren’t fully wired yet.
This mismatch—between what we expect and what a child is capable of—can create tension. And if you grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), where your own feelings were unseen or dismissed, your child’s normal self-focus may feel especially painful. It can stir up old wounds: “No one cares how I feel.”
You are not alone in feeling this way. And your child is not broken. They are still learning. Understanding what’s realistic at different ages—through the lens of development—can bring relief. It helps you see your child not as disobedient, but as growing, step by step, toward empathy and social understanding.
12–24 Months: Impulse World
If your child is between one and two, you may have already experienced the sting of a bite, the shock of food flung across the room, or the heartbreak of offering comfort and being pushed away. It’s natural to take these moments personally, especially if you long for connection. But at this age, your toddler is living in a world ruled almost entirely by impulse.
Their brain simply doesn’t yet have the wiring to pause, think, and consider your perspective. What looks like indifference—or even cruelty—is actually just immaturity.
Typical behaviors and examples:
- Toy-grabbing: Your 18-month-old sees another child’s toy and takes it without hesitation. This isn’t selfishness—it’s because the concepts of “yours” and “mine” are still forming.
- Big physical reactions: Hitting, biting, or pushing when frustrated is common. A bite or shove is often a bodily way of saying, “I can’t handle this feeling.”
- Throwing or knocking things over: Curiosity and experimentation, sometimes mixed with frustration: “I don’t like this, and I’ll show you.”
- Tiny gestures of empathy: A toddler may pat your arm when you cry or hand you their toy, but these gestures are fleeting. They cannot yet sustain another person’s perspective.
- Tidying up: Putting a block into a box can be fun as a game, but responsibility and awareness of order are still beyond them.
💡 Parent guidance: Validate your own feelings and theirs. Model gentle behavior and narrate what happens: “You pushed the block. That made your friend sad. Let’s help them together.” Do not demand apologies—this is too early. If another child is hurt, you as the parent can apologize on the child’s behalf.
💡 CEN reflection: If you grew up unseen, it may ache when your toddler does things that hurt you. Remember, their lack of awareness is developmental, not personal.
💡 ADHD reflection: Impulsivity in the child may appear stronger—more grabbing, more throwing, more hitting. This isn’t meanness; it’s their brain learning self-control.
This is development unfolding. Your child is not rejecting you—they are learning the basics of cause and effect and self-control.
2–3 Years: Emerging Rule-Testers
As your child approaches age two and three, something new begins: they notice that their actions have effects, especially on others. They realize that you notice and may begin to test boundaries: “What happens if I do this? Will Mom react? Will Dad stop me?”
This can be a hard stage for parents. Your child may suddenly feel more deliberate, more oppositional. You may hear “mean!” for the first time and feel cut to the core. But what’s happening is not moral failure—it’s experimentation with limits and rules.
Typical behaviors and examples:
- Hurting to get a reaction: Pinching a sibling while staring at you. They’re not cruel—they’re testing: “Does this affect you? What will you do?”
- Calling parent “mean”: “You’re mean!” when denied a cookie. To them, “mean” means, “You stopped me getting what I want.”
- Deliberate smashing: Knocking over a tower or throwing a toy expresses anger or frustration. It’s a bodily way of saying, “I don’t like this boundary.”
- Flashes of empathy: They may bring a blanket when you’re sad, but then take it back. Their empathy flickers; self-interest dominates.
- Tidying up: They can help if guided: “Let’s put three blocks in the box together.” Independent tidying is still beyond them.
💡 Parent guidance: Respond calmly, narrate emotions, and validate both child and adult feelings. Praise any attempts at caring, even if imperfect. Apologies should not be demanded yet; instead, model empathy by apologizing to other adults if needed.
💡 CEN reflection: Your child calling you “mean” may echo old wounds of being blamed or unseen. Remember: they are not rejecting you. Also, they are too young to understand their words hurt you (they don’t yet have a “theory of mind”).
💡 ADHD reflection: Impulsivity can make behavior swings more dramatic. A child may hit, apologize, and hit again in minutes. This is brain immaturity, not willful defiance.
Defiance or disregard is not rejection. It’s your child learning boundaries and testing rules, with empathy slowly emerging. If you’re struggling to stay calm yourself, journaling can help you work through those arising emotions.
3–4 Years: Fairness Bargainers
Around age three to four, children begin to notice fairness. Their world is still largely self-focused, but now they understand: “If I give, I should get too.” This is the stage of bargaining, sharing selectively, and testing fairness rules.
Typical behaviors and examples:
- Toy exchanges: Your child may hand a toy to a friend—but quickly want one back. If not returned, they may snatch theirs away.
- Aggression with purpose: Pushing or shoving a peer to get a desired toy. They are still learning to see the impact on others.
- Calling parent “mean”: “You’re mean, you didn’t let me have that!” Here, “mean” translates to, “You blocked my desires, and that feels unfair.”
- Flashes of empathy: They may comfort a friend when prompted, or offer a toy—but expect acknowledgment or reward in return.
- Tidying up: Can follow instructions if framed as a game or shared activity: “Let’s put all the red blocks in this basket together.”
💡 Parent guidance: Use these moments to name feelings: “I see you’re upset because your friend got the toy first. How could we solve this?” Encourage perspective-taking gently, and model fair behavior. Apologies can be introduced as optional language, not enforced. If another child gets hurt, it’s still the parent’s responsibility to apologise.
💡 CEN reflection: If you grew up unseen, bargaining or protests may trigger frustration: “Why must I negotiate to get respect?” Pause and remind yourself your child is learning fairness, not undermining you.
💡 ADHD reflection: Bargaining may appear more intense or repetitive. Impulsive children might demand, grab, or argue more fiercely. It’s not manipulation—just immature impulse control.
Fairness is emerging, but self-interest still dominates. Patience, calm guidance, and modeling empathy are the best tools.
4–5 Years: Approval Seekers
By four to five, children care about being seen as “good.” They crave approval from adults and peers, which begins to shape their moral behavior. At this stage, empathy is increasingly conscious but still fragile.
Typical behaviors and examples:
- Helping with pride: They may cheerfully hand over a toy or comfort someone if praised.
- Aggression under observation: Pinching or teasing may still occur, sometimes to see if love is unconditional.
- Calling parent “mean”: Often reflects testing limits: “Do you still love me if I get upset?”
- Tidying up: Can follow instructions and participate in shared clean-up tasks.
- Flashes of empathy: They can notice another’s distress and respond with encouragement or gestures—but may quickly revert to self-interest.
💡 Parent guidance: Encourage reflection: “I see you notice she’s sad. What could we do to help?” Praise efforts at kindness rather than outcomes. Introduce apologies gently, as social skills rather than moral enforcement.
💡 CEN reflection: Your child’s need for approval may resonate with your own past longing: “If I do well, will I be seen?” This is a chance to notice and soothe your own inner child.
💡 ADHD reflection: Approval-seeking may be intense yet inconsistent. Impulsive behavior can cause quick shifts from kind gestures to boundary testing. Respond with calm reassurance: “I know you want to be helpful. Let’s try again.”
Their sense of “being good” is fragile. Steady, warm presence helps empathy and moral awareness grow.
5–6 Years: Rule Keepers / Early Justice
By five to six, children begin to understand rules as structures that maintain fairness. They take pride in following rules and may notice when others don’t. Empathy is emerging more consistently, though still linked to rules and social expectations.
Typical behaviors and examples:
- Peer monitoring: Your child may point out a rule violation (“No hitting!”) and can sometimes enforce fairness among friends.
- Tidying up: They can handle clean-up tasks independently if expectations are clear.
- Hurting under emotion: Aggressive reactions are now more rare, but may occur in moments of strong frustration. They often recognize the wrongness immediately after.
- Flashes of empathy: Can notice a peer’s hurt, offer comfort, and anticipate outcomes.
💡 Parent guidance: Support problem-solving: “You see he’s upset. What could we do together?” Encourage cooperative play and fairness discussions. Guide apologies when appropriate, focusing on understanding impact rather than rote words.
💡 CEN reflection: When your child enforces fairness or expresses frustration toward you, it may echo old feelings of being blamed or misunderstood. Notice your feelings without judgment—your child is practicing rules, not condemning you.
💡 ADHD reflection: Rule awareness may be strong cognitively, but impulsivity can override it. Your child may insist on fairness yet struggle to follow the rules themselves. Patience and guidance are key.
At this stage, moral reasoning and empathy are growing together. Consistent warmth, clear expectations, and emotional validation reinforce both self-control and connection.
Closing Reflections: Nurturing Empathy and Connection
Parenting young children can feel like navigating a stormy sea—unpredictable behaviors, emotional eruptions, and moments that pierce deeply. If you grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), or your child has ADHD, these moments can stir up old wounds or intensify your worry. It may feel as though every push, bite, or “You’re mean!” is a reflection on you. And yet, understanding the way empathy and moral awareness develop can help you see these moments differently.
Empathy doesn’t arrive fully formed. In the early years, it flickers—tiny gestures at 12–24 months, bargaining and fairness-testing at three to four, approval-seeking by four to five, and a growing awareness of rules by five to six. At first, your child’s concern for others is fleeting and inconsistent. They may hand a toy one moment and snatch it back the next. This is normal. Their brains are still learning to connect feelings with actions, to pause before acting, and to consider how another person might feel.
Your responses can shape this learning profoundly. Naming feelings, describing actions, and offering gentle guidance helps your child understand the impact of what they do. Saying, “You grabbed the toy. Sam feels sad. Let’s put it back together,” communicates both empathy and boundaries without shaming. Early on, you may even find yourself apologizing to other adults on your child’s behalf. This is not failure; it is teaching them empathy through your example, long before they have the cognitive or verbal skills to do it themselves.
As they grow, you can begin to invite reflection: “I see she’s upset. What could we do together?” Praise attempts at kindness rather than outcomes, and let apologies arise naturally instead of demanding them. Small successes, repeated patiently, are what allow empathy and fairness to take root.
Amid these challenges, your own feelings matter. If your child’s self-interest or outbursts trigger old CEN wounds, pause and remind yourself: your child is exploring boundaries and learning how to relate, not rejecting you. If your child has ADHD, impulsivity may make these experiments feel more intense, yet the underlying learning process is the same—they are practicing self-regulation and empathy, with your calm guidance as their safety net.
Connection is the constant that makes all of this possible. Steady warmth, attention, and reassurance—even in the midst of correction—show your child that they are loved unconditionally, mistakes and all. Emotional security is the scaffold on which moral understanding is built. The small, everyday moments of noticing feelings, labeling emotions, modeling care, and offering choices teach far more than words alone ever could.
Moral and emotional growth is a journey, not a test. Your child is learning step by step how to navigate fairness, self-interest, empathy, and rules. And your patient, loving presence is the most powerful guide they will ever have.
Your Gift: “A Gentle Guide to Your Child’s Moral and Emotional Growth”
If this article resonated with you, I’ve created a free guide called “A Gentle Guide to Your Child’s Moral and Emotional Growth”. It’s basically a summary of this article, filled with examples, guidance, and practical tips for supporting your child’s empathy, fairness, and connection at every stage. Think of it as a companion you can keep handy while navigating the everyday ups and downs of parenting.
Recommended Reading
If you’re curious to dive deeper into the theory behind these stages, John C. Gibbs’s Moral Development and Reality is a wonderful place to begin. Gibbs takes the complex research of Lawrence Kohlberg and makes it accessible, weaving it into stories and examples that feel familiar to everyday family life. As a parent, you’ll come away not only understanding the stages of moral growth, but also feeling more confident in how to gently nurture empathy, fairness, and responsibility in your child as they grow.
If you’d like to read it in paperback and support my work, I’d be so grateful if you use this link. I choose Bookshop because each purchase also supports independent bookstores. I know this book in particular is quite pricey, so here’s a link to an used copy, if you need to go that way.
Explore Further:
Deep Dive: Why You Get So Angry With Your Toddler – And How to Repair With Love (+free resources)
Why Your Toddler’s Rough Play Is Healthy (And Why It Feels Uncomfortable for You) +free PDF
Why Your Child Acts Out with Their Father — and You’re Left Carrying It All (+Free IFS Dialogue)
Restorative Yoga for Deep Healing: How to Use Stillness to Rewire Your Nervous System
Why Your Child’s Whining Feels Overwhelming—And How to Respond with Calm and Care
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