Healing the Void: From CEN to Wholeness, A Psychological and Seasonal Journey

Tag: powerlessness

  • When Change Feels Like a Threat: Healing Powerlessness with IFS

    Why Do Small Changes Trigger Big Reactions?

    Imagine this: You’ve meticulously planned your dream home. You’ve spent hours thinking through each design element, carefully choosing everything from the layout to the furniture placement. Then, out of nowhere, your partner or contractor suggests a change.

    \”Actually, maybe the kitchen should be in the other corner.\”

    It’s a small adjustment. No big deal, right? But inside, something shifts.

    Your chest tightens, frustration surges, and an almost irrational anger rises before you can stop it. Suddenly, you\’re arguing, feeling overwhelmed, or completely shutting down.

    Maybe you hear yourself saying:
    \”No, we agreed on this. Why are we changing things now?\”

    Or you go silent, but inside, the panic is real.

    If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. When you’ve experienced powerlessness in childhood, small changes can feel like enormous threats. Your body remembers past experiences when you had no control, and it reacts accordingly—even if the current situation is completely different.

    This is where Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy comes in. IFS helps us understand why certain parts of us react so intensely and how we can shift from rigid, fearful responses to a more flexible, self-led way of being.

    Why Do We React This Way? The Role of Our Internal Parts

    IFS teaches that we all have different parts inside us—subpersonalities that help us cope with past emotional pain. These parts fall into three main categories:

    1. Exiles – The deeply wounded parts of us that hold our pain, fear, and unprocessed emotions.
    2. Managers – The parts that try to prevent us from feeling that old pain again by keeping life structured, predictable, and under control.
    3. Firefighters – The parts that react when we feel overwhelmed, often through intense emotional outbursts, dissociation, or numbing behaviors.

    IFS in Action: A Real-Life Example

    Let’s break this down using a real-world scenario:

    Trigger: A Proposed Change in House Plans

    Your partner says:
    \”Actually, I think we should change the layout of the living room.\”

    Your Internal Reaction:

    🚨 Instant emotional flood – You feel like the ground has been pulled from under you. A knot forms in your stomach, your heart races, and your body stiffens.

    You might respond in one of two ways:

    • Outwardly reacting (anger, control, shutting down the conversation)
    • Inwardly panicking (racing thoughts, an urge to shut down or leave the room)

    What’s Happening Internally?

    • Exile (The Wounded Child):
    • \”I had no control when we moved houses as a kid. No one asked me what I wanted.\”
    • \”It was scary and overwhelming, and I was expected to just go along with it.\”
    • \”No one cared about how I felt. I was powerless.\”
    • Manager (The Rigid, Controlling Part):
    • \”I MUST control everything so I never feel powerless again.\”
    • \”If I allow changes, I’ll lose control, and chaos will follow.\”
    • \”Keeping everything structured is the only way to feel safe.\”
    • Firefighter (The Panic & Overwhelm):
    • \”Too much! Too much! If I can’t control this, I’m going to break down.\”
    • \”I need to shut this conversation down or escape immediately.\”

    Each part is trying to protect you, but instead of helping, they create stress, anxiety, and conflict—both inside yourself and in your relationships.

    Healing the Pattern: A Step-by-Step IFS Process

    Step 1: Recognizing Your Manager (The Part That Seeks Control)

    Your Manager Part steps in whenever it senses unpredictability. It believes that the best way to stay safe is to control everything.

    What to do:

    • Instead of pushing this part away, get curious.
    • Ask it: \”What are you trying to protect me from?\”
    • Listen for the underlying fears—this part doesn’t want you to feel powerless again.
    • Thank it for its hard work:
    • \”I see you’re trying to keep me safe. You’ve done this for a long time, and I appreciate you.\”

    ✅ New Response:
    Instead of rejecting suggestions outright, try:
    \”I notice that change makes me uncomfortable. Can we take a minute to sit with this before making a decision?\”

    Step 2: Meeting the Exile (The Powerless Child) with Compassion

    Your Exile Part still holds onto the past pain of being unheard and having no control. That pain hasn’t been processed—so each new experience of change triggers old wounds.

    How to work with it:

    • Ask: \”How old does this part feel?\”
    • Imagine sitting with that child version of yourself.
    • Offer reassurance: \”You matter. Your feelings matter. You have choices now.\”

    ✅ New Response:
    Instead of panicking, practice grounding techniques:

    • Deep breathing
    • Placing a hand on your heart
    • Telling yourself: “I am safe. I have a say in my life now.”

    Step 3: Giving the Firefighter a Healthier Role

    Your Firefighter Part tries to shut down emotions with panic, anger, or avoidance. But what if it had a new, healthier job?

    Alternative ways to release stress:

    • Taking a short walk
    • Shaking out physical tension
    • Writing down three things you CAN control
    • Using a mantra: “I am adaptable. I can handle change.”

    ✅ New Response:
    Instead of spiraling into panic, say:
    \”I feel overwhelmed. Let’s pause and talk about this later when I’m calmer.\”

    From Powerlessness to Self-Leadership

    You can’t control everything, but you CAN control how you respond. By befriending your inner parts, you break free from the cycle of fear, rigidity, and panic.

    🌿 Next time a change feels overwhelming, pause. Listen to the part reacting, reassure it, and move forward with Self-leadership.

    📝 IFS Healing Worksheet: Releasing the Fear of Powerlessness

    Step 1: Identify the Trigger

    Describe a recent situation where you felt powerless or panicked over a small change.

    Example: “My boss changed the deadline, and I felt totally out of control.”

    Step 2: Identify the Parts

    Write what each part is saying:

    • Manager: \”If I don’t control everything, something bad will happen.\”
    • Exile: \”No one listens to me. I don’t matter.\”
    • Firefighter: \”I shut down or panic to escape the feeling.\”

    Step 3: Befriend Your Parts

    Write a compassionate response to each part.

    • To my Manager: \”I see you’re working hard to protect me. Thank you.\”
    • To my Exile: \”I hear you. You have choices now.\”
    • To my Firefighter: \”Let’s find a healthier way to handle this stress.\”

    Step 4: Take a New Action

    Choose one small action you can take next time.

    ✅ Example: “When a change comes up, I will pause and breathe before responding.”

    💬 Let’s Talk!

    Have you noticed this pattern in yourself? How do you react to unexpected changes? Share your thoughts in the comments below! ⬇️

    Explore further

    This is a short case study. If you’d like to dive deeper into the subject and really work on reparenting you exile, read: Why Do I Panic When Plans Change? An IFS Approach to Healing Control and Powerlessness

    You’d rather explore other topics? Here are some suggestions:

    Leaning into the Mother Archetype: Healing CEN and CPTSD Patterns of Avoidance

    Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child)

    Childhood Emotional Neglect and Conflict Resolution in Relationships: How the 5 Love Languages Can Help

  • Why Inconsiderate People Trigger You More Than They \”Should\”—And How to Heal the Wound Beneath

    Introduction: Why Does This Bother Me So Much?

    You’re in a conversation, and someone inserts themselves into an issue that has nothing to do with them. They take offense where none was intended, act as though they’ve been personally wronged, or demand recognition for something irrelevant.

    Or maybe you’re dealing with someone who blatantly disregards others—cutting in line, talking over people, ignoring basic social awareness.

    You feel your chest tighten, your stomach clench. Your mind starts racing: How can they not see what they’re doing? Why do they think they’re the center of everything? Why do I feel so intensely about this?

    The truth is, it’s not just this moment—it’s an old wound being pressed on.

    If you’ve experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) or relational trauma, certain behaviors—especially inconsideration, entitlement, or a lack of self-awareness in others—can feel more than just irritating. They can feel like a violation. A threat.

    And that’s because, in a way, they are—at least to your nervous system.

    Why This Hurts More Than It “Should”

    Many people grow up learning to shrug off inconsiderate behavior. “That’s just how some people are.” “Let it go.” But for those with CEN, it’s not so simple.

    Your nervous system doesn’t just perceive this as rude behavior—it registers it as a personal attack.

    • You might feel a deep resentment, as if you’re being forced to accommodate yet another selfish person.
    • You might feel powerless, like no matter how much you try to be fair and considerate, the world rewards those who take up space without thinking of others.
    • You might feel a sense of injustice, a bubbling anger at how easily they demand recognition while you’ve spent a lifetime making yourself small.

    Your reaction isn’t about this one moment. It’s about all the moments that came before it.

    The Deeper Wound Beneath the Trigger

    1. Hyper-Attunement & Over-Responsibility

    If you grew up in a household where you had to anticipate others’ needs, manage the emotions of caregivers, or avoid conflict by being “the easy child,” then seeing someone act selfishly can feel deeply wrong.

    You were never allowed to behave that way. So why do they get to?

    2. Unspoken Anger & Swallowed Boundaries

    If setting boundaries in your past led to conflict, rejection, or being shut down, then witnessing inconsiderate behavior can trigger the anger you were never allowed to express.

    You learned to swallow your needs. Seeing someone else disregard others with ease can feel like an old injustice resurfacing.

    3. The Fear of Powerlessness

    For many with CEN, power dynamics in childhood were skewed. If your needs were dismissed, if you weren’t protected, if you felt unseen, then encountering entitlement or selfishness in adulthood can feel like being a powerless child again.

    Understanding Your Nervous System’s Response

    When someone acts inconsiderately, your body responds before your mind can rationalize it.

    What’s Happening Inside?

    • Your amygdala (threat center of the brain) perceives the behavior as a violation of safety or fairness.
    • Your nervous system activates—you might go into fight (anger), flight (avoidance), freeze (shutdown), or fawn (people-pleasing to “fix” it).
    • Your brain links this situation to past emotional injuries, making the reaction feel bigger than the present moment.

    This is why pure intellectual understanding (“It’s not a big deal”) doesn’t stop the reaction. The wound needs deeper healing.

    Healing Through Awareness & Reclaiming Your Power

    1. “What’s the Worst That Could Happen?” Visualization

    • The next time you feel triggered, pause and ask:
    • What am I afraid will happen if I don’t react?
    • What’s the worst thing about tolerating this discomfort?
    • Often, the answer reveals the true fear beneath the trigger—powerlessness, invisibility, or being taken advantage of.

    2. The “Tolerating Discomfort” Challenge

    • Instead of immediately reacting, practice sitting with the feeling.
    • Breathe deeply and repeat: \”I don’t have to engage. Their behavior does not define me.\”
    • By learning to tolerate the feeling without acting on it, you start breaking the automatic reaction loop.

    3. “The Opposite Perspective” Exercise

    • Ask yourself: What if their behavior isn’t about me at all?
    • Many inconsiderate people act this way because of their own childhood wounds—a need for control, attention, or validation.
    • Shifting from “They are bad” to “They are unconscious” reduces the emotional charge.

    4. A Self-Trust Checklist for Boundaries

    • Do I actually need to engage, or can I walk away?
    • Am I reacting out of habit or choice?
    • Do I feel safe standing firm in my perspective?
    • What would “holding my boundary” look like in this situation?

    Practical Tools for When the Trigger Hits

    1. Somatic Exercise to Calm the Nervous System

    • Place your hand on your chest and take three slow belly breaths.
    • Say: \”I am safe. I am allowed to take up space.\”

    2. Self-Compassion Prompt

    • Imagine speaking to your younger self:
    • “You are not invisible. You don’t have to accommodate everyone. You are safe.”

    3. Journaling Prompt

    • Who did I have to accommodate in my past?
    • How did that shape my reactions today?

    4. Micro-Boundary Practice

    • Choose one small way to assert yourself today—declining something, taking a pause before responding, or saying \”no\” without explaining.

    Recommended Books & YouTube Channels

    Books:

    • The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel van der Kolk
    • Running on Empty – Jonice Webb
    • Set Boundaries, Find Peace – Nedra Tawwab
    • Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents – Lindsay Gibson

    YouTube Channels:

    • Dr. Ramani (on toxic relationships & boundary setting)
    • Patrick Teahan, LICSW (on emotional neglect & healing)
    • The Holistic Psychologist (on nervous system regulation)

    Closing Reflection

    This trigger isn’t proof of brokenness—it’s proof that a wound is ready to be seen, felt, and healed.

    The next time someone’s inconsiderate behavior makes you feel invisible, powerless, or enraged, pause. You’re not that child anymore. You are safe now. And you can choose how to respond.

    👉 What about you?

    Does this resonate? Have you noticed certain behaviors that trigger you deeply? Share your experiences in the comments—I’d love to hear your thoughts.

    Read next: Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child)

    Dealing with mother rage? Read Mother Rage and the Hidden Wounds of Childhood Emotional Neglect: Understanding, Healing, and Finding Peace

  • Why Inconsiderate People Trigger You More Than They \”Should\”—And How to Heal the Wound Beneath

    Why Does This Bother Me So Much?

    You’re in a conversation, and someone inserts themselves into an issue that has nothing to do with them. They take offense where none was intended, act as though they’ve been personally wronged, or demand recognition for something irrelevant.

    Or maybe you’re dealing with someone who blatantly disregards others—cutting in line, talking over people, ignoring basic social awareness.

    You feel your chest tighten, your stomach clench. Your mind starts racing: How can they not see what they’re doing? Why do they think they’re the center of everything? Why do I feel so intensely about this?

    The truth is, it’s not just this moment—it’s an old wound being pressed on.

    If you’ve experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) or relational trauma, certain behaviors—especially inconsideration, entitlement, or a lack of self-awareness in others—can feel more than just irritating. They can feel like a violation. A threat.

    And that’s because, in a way, they are—at least to your nervous system.

    Why This Hurts More Than It “Should”

    Many people grow up learning to shrug off inconsiderate behavior. “That’s just how some people are.” “Let it go.” But for those with CEN, it’s not so simple.

    Your nervous system doesn’t just perceive this as rude behavior—it registers it as a personal attack.

    • You might feel a deep resentment, as if you’re being forced to accommodate yet another selfish person.
    • You might feel powerless, like no matter how much you try to be fair and considerate, the world rewards those who take up space without thinking of others.
    • You might feel a sense of injustice, a bubbling anger at how easily they demand recognition while you’ve spent a lifetime making yourself small.

    Your reaction isn’t about this one moment. It’s about all the moments that came before it.

    The Deeper Wound Beneath the Trigger

    1. Hyper-Attunement & Over-Responsibility

    If you grew up in a household where you had to anticipate others’ needs, manage the emotions of caregivers, or avoid conflict by being “the easy child,” then seeing someone act selfishly can feel deeply wrong.

    You were never allowed to behave that way. So why do they get to?

    2. Unspoken Anger & Swallowed Boundaries

    If setting boundaries in your past led to conflict, rejection, or being shut down, then witnessing inconsiderate behavior can trigger the anger you were never allowed to express.

    You learned to swallow your needs. Seeing someone else disregard others with ease can feel like an old injustice resurfacing.

    3. The Fear of Powerlessness

    For many with CEN, power dynamics in childhood were skewed. If your needs were dismissed, if you weren’t protected, if you felt unseen, then encountering entitlement or selfishness in adulthood can feel like being a powerless child again.

    Understanding Your Nervous System’s Response

    When someone acts inconsiderately, your body responds before your mind can rationalize it.

    What’s Happening Inside?

    • Your amygdala (threat center of the brain) perceives the behavior as a violation of safety or fairness.
    • Your nervous system activates—you might go into fight (anger), flight (avoidance), freeze (shutdown), or fawn (people-pleasing to “fix” it).
    • Your brain links this situation to past emotional injuries, making the reaction feel bigger than the present moment.

    This is why pure intellectual understanding (“It’s not a big deal”) doesn’t stop the reaction. The wound needs deeper healing.

    Healing Through Awareness & Reclaiming Your Power

    1. “What’s the Worst That Could Happen?” Visualization

    • The next time you feel triggered, pause and ask:
    • What am I afraid will happen if I don’t react?
    • What’s the worst thing about tolerating this discomfort?
    • Often, the answer reveals the true fear beneath the trigger—powerlessness, invisibility, or being taken advantage of.

    2. The “Tolerating Discomfort” Challenge

    • Instead of immediately reacting, practice sitting with the feeling.
    • Breathe deeply and repeat: \”I don’t have to engage. Their behavior does not define me.\”
    • By learning to tolerate the feeling without acting on it, you start breaking the automatic reaction loop.

    3. “The Opposite Perspective” Exercise

    • Ask yourself: What if their behavior isn’t about me at all?
    • Many inconsiderate people act this way because of their own childhood wounds—a need for control, attention, or validation.
    • Shifting from “They are bad” to “They are unconscious” reduces the emotional charge.

    4. A Self-Trust Checklist for Boundaries

    • Do I actually need to engage, or can I walk away?
    • Am I reacting out of habit or choice?
    • Do I feel safe standing firm in my perspective?
    • What would “holding my boundary” look like in this situation?

    Practical Tools for When the Trigger Hits

    1. Somatic Exercise to Calm the Nervous System

    • Place your hand on your chest and take three slow belly breaths.
    • Say: \”I am safe. I am allowed to take up space.\”

    2. Self-Compassion Prompt

    • Imagine speaking to your younger self:
    • “You are not invisible. You don’t have to accommodate everyone. You are safe.”

    3. Journaling Prompt

    • Who did I have to accommodate in my past?
    • How did that shape my reactions today?

    4. Micro-Boundary Practice

    • Choose one small way to assert yourself today—declining something, taking a pause before responding, or saying \”no\” without explaining.

    Recommended Books & YouTube Channels

    Books:

    • The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel van der Kolk
    • Running on Empty – Jonice Webb
    • Set Boundaries, Find Peace – Nedra Tawwab
    • Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents – Lindsay Gibson

    YouTube Channels:

    • Dr. Ramani (on toxic relationships & boundary setting)
    • Patrick Teahan, LICSW (on emotional neglect & healing)
    • The Holistic Psychologist (on nervous system regulation)

    Closing Reflection

    This trigger isn’t proof of brokenness—it’s proof that a wound is ready to be seen, felt, and healed.

    The next time someone’s inconsiderate behavior makes you feel invisible, powerless, or enraged, pause. You’re not that child anymore. You are safe now. And you can choose how to respond.

    👉 What about you?

    Does this resonate? Have you noticed certain behaviors that trigger you deeply? Share your experiences in the comments—I’d love to hear your thoughts.

    Read next: Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child)