Why Can’t You Just Rest?
Imagine this:
- You finally get a moment to rest. Maybe you lie down on the couch, take a deep breath, and close your eyes. But instead of relaxing, your brain fires up with urgency:
- \”You should be doing something productive.\”
- \”Check your phone—there might be something important.\”
- \”You left that email unread. Just handle it quickly.\”
- \”The kitchen is still a mess. You’ll feel better if you clean it first.\”
- Within seconds, you find yourself grabbing your phone, scrolling, or getting up to do chores—even though you genuinely need rest.
- You may have even cleared time for rest, thinking:
- \”Tonight, I’ll finally just relax and watch a movie.\”
- But then you pick up your laptop, answering emails while half-watching.
- Or you decide to fold laundry while the movie plays—because just sitting there feels wrong.
- Later, you may feel frustrated with yourself, thinking:
- \”Why can’t I just do nothing?\”
- \”Why do I feel guilty when I’m not being productive?\”
- \”I’m exhausted, but I always find something else to do.\”
Sound familiar?
This isn’t just a “bad habit” or an issue of poor self-control. There are deeper emotional and nervous system reasonswhy your body and mind resist stillness—especially if you have Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) and a fearful-avoidant attachment style.
What This Article Will Cover:
- Why your brain and body resist rest (psychological & nervous system reasons).
- The role of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) and attachment wounds in this struggle.
- What’s happening internally when you feel restless.
- How to slowly retrain yourself to feel safe in stillness.
- A free downloadable worksheet to help you practice feeling comfortable with rest.
This isn’t about forcing yourself to relax—it’s about understanding what’s happening inside you so you can work with it rather than fight it.
Let’s dive in.
Why Your Brain and Body Resist Rest
If you struggle with stillness, it’s not because you’re lazy, weak, or “addicted to productivity.” Your nervous system and emotional history actively resist rest—often in ways that feel automatic and outside of your control.
Here’s what’s happening beneath the surface.
1. Your Nervous System Associates Stillness with Danger
Imagine an animal in the wild. If it lies still for too long, it’s vulnerable to predators. In high-stress environments, stillness = danger because it leaves you unprepared to react.
For many people with CEN and a fearful-avoidant attachment style, their early environment didn’t provide emotional safety. They learned to stay alert, anticipating unmet needs, emotional unpredictability, or rejection.
- If your caregivers were emotionally unavailable, you might have learned:
- \”No one will comfort me when I’m distressed.\”
- \”I need to be self-sufficient all the time.\”
- \”If I stop moving, I’ll feel the loneliness I’ve been avoiding.\”
As a result, your body stays in a subtle fight-or-flight mode, keeping you mentally and physically active as a survival strategy.
➡️ Example: You sit on the couch to rest, but your body suddenly tenses. You feel an urge to check your phone, clean, or start a project—not because you actually want to, but because stillness feels wrong.
2. You Learned to Tie Your Worth to Productivity
If you grew up in an environment where love or validation was conditional on achievement, you may have internalized the belief:
- \”I am only valuable when I am doing something productive.\”
- \”Rest is lazy.\”
- \”I don’t deserve rest unless I’ve ‘earned’ it.\”
This belief is often deeply unconscious, yet it shapes your daily behavior. Resting feels uncomfortable because it contradicts the survival mechanism you built as a child.
➡️ Example: After finishing work, you feel an overwhelming urge to do one more thing—reply to an email, organize a drawer, or start a side project—because stopping feels like failure.
3. Rest Feels Unsafe Because It Leaves Space for Unprocessed Emotions
Stillness isn’t just a break from movement—it’s also a break from mental distractions.
If you’ve spent years avoiding emotions—especially those tied to loneliness, self-doubt, or unmet childhood needs—then rest becomes a threat.
- The moment you stop moving, these emotions bubble up.
- Your brain automatically tries to drown them out with distractions.
This can be especially strong in fearful-avoidant attachment styles, where emotions feel overwhelming and hard to regulate.
➡️ Example: You turn on a TV show “to relax,” but instead of focusing, you pick up your phone and scroll mindlessly. This isn’t just boredom—it’s an unconscious attempt to avoid being alone with your thoughts.
4. Your Brain Craves Dopamine from Constant Stimulation
Modern technology exploits this natural tendency by offering endless dopamine hits—from notifications to social media to constant background noise.
If you’ve been chronically overstimulated, stillness feels like withdrawal. Your brain craves the next hit of engagement, so you instinctively reach for your phone or start doing something.
➡️ Example: You tell yourself, \”I’ll rest for 10 minutes.\” But within 30 seconds, you grab your phone to check anything, just to feel that tiny sense of engagement.
5. Hyper-Independence Makes It Hard to “Let Go”
If you had to self-soothe alone as a child, you likely developed hyper-independence—believing that relying on others (or even slowing down) is a weakness.
Rest requires letting go, but your nervous system resists surrendering control because:
- No one was there to support you emotionally as a child → you assume no one will be there now.
- Stillness reminds you of past loneliness → you instinctively push it away.
➡️ Example: Lying in bed at night, instead of unwinding, you suddenly think of tasks you “need” to do—even though they could wait until morning. Your body resists relaxation because it’s wired for constant self-reliance.
Why This Matters
If any of this resonates, it’s not because you’re “bad at resting.” It’s because your body has learned to equate stillness with discomfort.
But the good news? You can rewire this response—not by forcing yourself to rest, but by gradually building safety in stillness.
How to Start Feeling Safe in Stillness
Now that we understand why rest feels so uncomfortable, the next step is learning how to work with your nervous system—not against it—to retrain your body to feel safe slowing down.
This process takes time, but with small, intentional changes, you can shift from feeling restless to experiencing stillness as a source of comfort and restoration.
1. Start Small: Build Tolerance for Stillness Gradually
If rest feels overwhelming, forcing yourself to “just relax” won’t work. Your body perceives stillness as a threat, so diving straight into prolonged rest can trigger even more resistance.
Instead, try micro-moments of stillness throughout your day:
- Before checking your phone in the morning, take 5 slow breaths.
- Pause for 10 seconds before switching tasks. Just sit with your breath before jumping to the next thing.
- At the end of the day, sit for one minute in silence before turning on a show or scrolling.
At first, this may feel strangely uncomfortable—but that’s normal. You’re building tolerance for rest in a way that doesn’t overwhelm your nervous system.
➡️ Example: Instead of trying to meditate for 20 minutes (which may feel unbearable), start by closing your eyes for 10 seconds before getting up in the morning.
2. Identify and Challenge the Thoughts That Drive Restlessness
Much of our struggle with rest comes from internalized beliefs about productivity and worth.
Common Thoughts That Keep You From Resting:
- \”If I’m not doing something productive, I’m wasting time.\”
- \”I haven’t done enough to deserve a break.\”
- \”I’ll feel better if I just finish one more task.\”
- \”Stillness means I’m being lazy.\”
How to Reframe These Thoughts:
- \”Rest is productive because it allows me to function better.\”
- \”I don’t have to earn rest—my body naturally needs it.\”
- \”Stillness isn’t laziness; it’s an important part of healing.\”
➡️ Example: Next time you feel the urge to grab your phone, pause and ask yourself: “What am I avoiding right now?” This simple awareness can help shift your response.
3. Work with Your Nervous System: Move Toward “Rest and Digest”
If your body is stuck in fight-or-flight, deep rest will feel impossible. Instead of forcing stillness, try gentle, regulating activities that bring you into “rest and digest” mode.
Techniques to Help Your Nervous System Relax:
✔️ Breathwork: Try box breathing (inhale 4 sec, hold 4 sec, exhale 4 sec, hold 4 sec). This signals safety to your brain.
✔️ Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Tense and release different muscle groups.
✔️ Weighted Blanket: Provides deep pressure that calms the nervous system.
✔️ Gentle Rocking Motions: If you struggle with stillness, swaying slightly or using a rocking chair can ease the transition.
➡️ Example: If lying still feels impossible, start with slowly rocking while sitting. This provides gentle movementwhile still promoting relaxation.
4. Allow Discomfort Without Avoiding It
Stillness often brings up emotions we’ve been avoiding. Instead of escaping into distractions, try sitting with discomfort just a little longer before reaching for your phone or starting another task.
- If rest triggers guilt, notice it and remind yourself: “Rest is not wrong.”
- If rest brings up anxiety, try naming the feeling: “I feel unsettled, and that’s okay.”
- If rest makes you feel empty, gently ask yourself: “What do I need right now?”
At first, this might feel worse before it feels better—but over time, your brain will rewire to recognize stillness as safe.
➡️ Example: When you feel the urge to grab your phone, pause and tell yourself: \”I can sit with this feeling for 30 more seconds before reaching for it.\” Over time, this builds emotional tolerance.
5. Create a Ritual for Rest
One way to make rest feel intentional rather than “wasted” is to turn it into a ritual.
Ideas for Rest Rituals:
- Make tea and sit in silence for 5 minutes.
- Put on soft music and lie down without distractions.
- Stretch gently before bed to signal relaxation.
- Use essential oils or candlelight to create a calm atmosphere.
When rest becomes a structured, predictable experience, your body starts to associate it with safety rather than discomfort.
➡️ Example: Every night, light a candle and take three deep breaths before getting into bed. This signals to your nervous system: “It’s okay to slow down now.”
6. Use Body-Based Practices to Release Stored Tension
For those with CEN and fearful-avoidant attachment, rest can feel unsafe because the body is holding unprocessed emotional tension.
Helpful Somatic Practices:
✔️ Yoga Nidra – A guided relaxation practice to release deep stress.
✔️ Tapping (EFT) – Helps calm anxiety and rewire stress responses. Check out the following YouTube channel for free guided tapping sessions: Tap with Brad
✔️ TRE (Tension & Trauma Releasing Exercises) – Uses gentle shaking to release stored trauma from the body.
➡️ Example: If lying down makes you anxious, try doing 5 minutes of gentle stretches first—this can help your body transition into a calmer state.
Recommended Books & YouTube Resources
Books:
📖 The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel van der Kolk (How trauma affects the nervous system)
📖 Rest is Resistance – Tricia Hersey (Reframing rest as necessary, not indulgent)
📖 Anchored – Deb Dana (Using Polyvagal Theory to feel safe in rest)
📖 The Myth of Normal – Gabor Maté (How modern life disconnects us from true rest)
YouTube Channels:
▶️ Heidi Priebe – On fearful-avoidant attachment & self-regulation
▶️ Dr. Nicole LePera (The Holistic Psychologist) – Nervous system healing
▶️ Irene Lyon – Somatic healing & trauma release
▶️ Yoga with Adriene – Gentle yoga practices for relaxation
Downloadable Worksheet: Learning to Feel Safe in Stillness
This worksheet will help you understand your discomfort with rest, identify underlying beliefs, and create small, manageable steps to start feeling safe slowing down.
Q&A: Addressing Common Concerns About Rest and Stillness
Q: Why do I feel anxious when I try to rest, even when I’m exhausted?
A: If you grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) or have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, your nervous system may associate rest with vulnerability. Being still might bring up unprocessed emotions or a sense of emptiness that feels overwhelming. Your brain has learned to avoid this discomfort by staying busy. The key is gradual exposure—start with very short periods of stillness and pair them with grounding techniques like deep breathing or gentle movement.
Q: I feel guilty when I rest. How can I change this?
A: Many people with CEN received messages in childhood that their worth was tied to productivity or caretaking. To shift this, reframe rest as something essential for your well-being rather than a luxury. Try using affirmations like:
- “Rest allows me to show up as my best self.”
- “I deserve rest just because I exist.”
It also helps to notice how rest benefits you—when you allow yourself to slow down, you make better decisions, feel more regulated, and have more energy for the things that matter.
Q: I can only rest if I have something playing in the background. Is that bad?
A: Not necessarily! Some people need transitional steps before they feel safe in true silence. If having a podcast or soft music on helps you relax, that’s okay. The goal isn’t to force yourself into silence immediately, but rather to become more comfortable with stillness over time. You can experiment with gradually lowering the volume or spending just a few minutes in quiet before turning something on.
Q: What if I feel restless no matter what?
A: This might mean your nervous system is stuck in a chronic state of hypervigilance—your body has learned that movement = safety. To shift this, incorporate regulating activities before attempting to rest, such as:
- Gentle stretching or yoga
- Rocking in a chair or swaying side to side
- Weighted blankets for a sense of security
- Body scans or progressive muscle relaxation
If restlessness persists, explore whether unprocessed emotions or underlying fears are surfacing when you slow down. A therapist can help you work through these feelings in a safe, structured way.
Final Thoughts: Embracing Rest as a Healing Practice
Feeling unsettled during rest isn’t a sign that something is wrong with you—it’s a sign that your body and mind are adapting to a new way of being. If you’ve spent years avoiding stillness, it makes sense that rest feels uncomfortable at first. The goal isn’t to force yourself into deep relaxation overnight, but rather to build a sense of safety in stillness, little by little.
Healing from CEN and fearful-avoidant patterns means learning to recognize and honor your true needs—including the need for restoration. The more you practice, the more your nervous system will learn that it is safe to pause, breathe, and just be.
Join the Conversation!
💬 Does this resonate with you? Have you noticed yourself avoiding stillness, and what strategies have helped you feel more comfortable resting? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below!
📝 Download Your Free Worksheet to start building a healthier relationship with rest:
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😠Why Couples Bicker Over Small Things: How Unmet Needs Fuel Conflict—And What to Do Instead
😡Why Inconsiderate People Trigger You More Than They “Should”—And How to Heal the Wound Beneath
🛏️Why You Resist Sleep Even When Exhausted: The Hidden Emotional Roots of Insomnia