Content
- Introduction – The hidden struggle of embracing motherhood when CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect) or CPTSD is present.
- Why It Happens – Psychological roots (attachment wounds, fear of intimacy, avoidance coping).
- How It Manifests – Over-scheduling, perfectionism, emotional distance disguised as busyness.
- Breaking the Cycle – Awareness, nervous system regulation, mindful connection.
- Practical Steps – Gentle strategies to reconnect with our children (without overwhelming guilt).
- FAQs & Common Fears – Addressing doubts, resistance, and self-compassion.
Introduction: The Hidden Struggle to Fully Step Into Motherhood
Motherhood calls for deep presence, but when we carry unprocessed childhood wounds, that presence can feel threatening. Instead of feeling at home in the nurturing role, we may find ourselves filling the days with tasks, routines, and distractions—anything to keep from truly meeting our child’s emotional world (and our own).
For many with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) or Complex PTSD (CPTSD), mothering stirs up old attachment wounds. The archetype of \”mother\” may feel foreign, unfamiliar, or even unsafe. Not because we don’t love our children, but because deep emotional connection is something we were never modeled.
But healing is possible. Recognizing the pattern is the first step toward breaking it.
Why It Happens: The Psychological Roots of Avoidance in Motherhood
1. The Attachment Connection
If we grew up with emotionally unavailable caregivers, we learned that connection wasn’t safe or predictable. This creates:
- Avoidant attachment (keeping emotional distance to prevent pain).
- Anxious attachment (seeking closeness but fearing rejection).
- Disorganized attachment (fluctuating between the two, feeling overwhelmed).
➡️ When we become mothers, these patterns re-emerge. Real intimacy with our children can feel both deeply wanted and subtly threatening.
2. The Nervous System Response: Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn
CPTSD shapes how we regulate stress:
- Flight response → Over-scheduling, filling the day with activities, staying constantly \”productive.\”
- Freeze response → Feeling emotionally shut down, exhausted, or numb in parenting moments.
- Fawn response → Over-giving, saying yes to everything to avoid inner discomfort.
➡️ We may not realize we\’re \”fleeing\” real connection—because busyness feels productive, even responsible.
3. The Fear of Being Fully Seen
Being emotionally present with a child means being seen in our most vulnerable state—without distractions, achievements, or roles to hide behind. If we weren’t nurtured this way as children, this level of openness can feel unbearable.
➡️ The subconscious belief: “If I slow down and just be with my child, what painful feelings will come up?”
How This Manifests: Over-Scheduling as a Coping Mechanism
If we don’t feel emotionally safe in deep connection, we may unconsciously:
- Fill the calendar with activities, playdates, and outings to avoid stillness.
- Hyper-focus on tasks (cleaning, organizing, meal planning) instead of presence.
- Prioritize \”structured\” interactions (teaching, guiding, correcting) over open-ended play and emotional attunement.
- Feel overwhelmed or irritated when our child needs comfort, slowness, or co-regulation.
➡️ The cycle: The more we stay busy, the more distant we feel—reinforcing guilt, disconnection, and stress.
Breaking the Cycle: Awareness and Nervous System Regulation
1. Naming the Pattern Without Shame
Recognizing this dynamic without self-blame is key. This is not about “bad parenting” but about unconscious survival strategies that can be gently unlearned.
➡️ Try this reflection:
\”What happens in my body when I imagine sitting with my child with no agenda—just presence? Do I feel discomfort, restlessness, or numbness?\”
2. Learning to Sit With Stillness
Start with tiny moments of presence:
- 5 minutes of fully attuned eye contact while playing.
- One bedtime where you simply sit beside them without rushing.
- Noticing the impulse to “fill time” and pausing before acting on it.
➡️ Healing connection is built in micro-moments, not grand gestures.
3. Nervous System Regulation for Co-Regulation
To connect with our children, we must first feel safe in our own bodies. Try:
- Breathwork: Lengthening exhales to downregulate stress.
- Grounding: Placing a hand on your heart when feeling distant.
- Somatic release: Shaking out tension, stretching, or tapping before engaging.
➡️ When our system feels safe, presence stops feeling like a threat.
4. Reparenting Ourselves as We Parent
If we never received warm, attuned mothering, it\’s hard to give what we didn’t get. But we can reparent ourselves along the way:
- Offering ourselves the same words of comfort we offer our children.
- Holding space for our own emotions with self-compassion.
- Recognizing that every act of slowing down is a form of healing, not just for our children, but for our inner child too.
Practical Steps: Gentle Ways to Build True Connection
- The \”5-Minute Experiment\” – Set a timer and commit to 5 minutes of undistracted, agenda-free play. Notice what emotions come up.
- The \”Pause Before Yes\” Practice – Before agreeing to another activity, ask: \”Is this truly for my child, or am I avoiding something?\”
- Mirror and Name Emotions – Practice naming your child’s feelings (\”You’re frustrated\”) while also acknowledging your own (\”I feel restless\”).
- Schedule Downtime as Sacred – Block out time for nothingness—no plans, just being.
- Self-Soothing Before Soothing – When your child is upset, take one deep breath before responding. This models calm regulation.
FAQs: Common Fears and Blocks
1. “What if I don’t feel emotionally close to my child?”
Closeness isn’t just a feeling—it’s a practice. Start with physical proximity, eye contact, and play before expecting deep emotions to arise.
2. “I feel guilty for avoiding connection. How do I forgive myself?”
Your brain and body learned these patterns for survival. You’re not failing—you’re healing. Guilt is a sign you care, not a sign you’re failing.
3. “How do I stop over-scheduling when I genuinely want my child to have opportunities?”
Structure is great—but ask: \”Is this for their joy, or my avoidance?\” Allow pockets of unstructured time to exist.
4. “What if presence feels overwhelming?”
Start small. One moment at a time. Healing attachment wounds isn’t instant, but every micro-moment of connection rewires the nervous system.
Share your thoughts!
Does any of this resonate with you? Have you noticed over-scheduling creeping into your life as a parent? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments. Let’s support each other on this journey toward deeper, more authentic connection.