Healing the Void: From CEN to Wholeness, A Psychological and Seasonal Journey

Tag: motherhood and CPTSD

  • Motherhood as a Journey of Growth: Embracing the Transition from Maiden to Mother

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    Motherhood changes you. Sometimes in ways you expect—sometimes in ways that shake you to your core.

    One day, you’re you—the person you’ve always known yourself to be. And then, you become someone’s mother.

    For some women, that shift feels natural. For others, it feels like a slow, quiet loss—a fading of the person they once were.

    Maybe you miss the version of yourself who had uninterrupted thoughts, spontaneous outings, or even just the freedom to be alone in your own skin. Maybe you wonder if you’ll ever feel like yourself again.

    This isn’t just a lifestyle change. It’s a psychological transformation.

    There’s a name for this: matrescence—the process of becoming a mother. Just like adolescence, it’s messy, emotional, and full of uncertainty. And like all transitions, it doesn’t happen overnight.

    For some, it happens gradually. For others, it only fully lands after their second child, or when their last baby stops napping and they realize alone time is officially gone.

    But here’s the truth: You aren’t losing yourself. You’re becoming more of who you are.

    This article is here to hold your hand through that journey—to help you understand what’s happening, why you might be resisting it, and how to step into this new role in a way that feels whole, intentional, and deeply you.

    The Maiden Archetype: Who We Were Before Motherhood

    Before children, we are the maiden—a stage of life filled with possibility, self-discovery, and freedom.

    In the maiden phase, you:

    • Follow your own rhythms and desires
    • Make decisions based on what you want and need
    • Feel like your identity is clear—anchored in your work, passions, friendships, or creativity

    This phase is beautiful and necessary. It’s where we build our sense of who we are in the world.

    But then, motherhood happens. And suddenly, we are responsible for someone else’s entire existence.

    And that shift? It can feel like an earthquake.

    The Mother Archetype: What Changes Inside Us

    Stepping into motherhood isn’t just about taking care of a child—it’s about becoming a different version of ourselves.

    The mother archetype is defined by:

    • Deep emotional attunement
    • A fierce, protective love
    • Less focus on personal ambition, more on caregiving
    • A shift from self-exploration to stability and responsibility

    But here’s the part that no one talks about:

    This transition isn’t instant.

    Many of us resist it.

    We feel angry about losing our independence.
    We grieve the version of ourselves who had time to just be.
    We wonder if we’ll ever feel that lightness again.

    And that’s okay.

    Resisting this transition doesn’t mean you don’t love your child. It means you’re human.

    The Resistance Phase: Why It’s So Hard to Let Go of Who We Were

    Maybe you feel it, too—that deep pull to hold onto your old self.

    Maybe you:

    • Feel resentful about always being needed (I discuss the underlying cause of mother rage here)
    • Long for the space to hear your own thoughts again
    • Grieve the spontaneity of your pre-motherhood life
    • Feel guilty for wanting more than just motherhood

    For many women, this resistance is strongest after their second child, when the weight of caregiving becomes undeniable.

    For others, it happens when their last child stops napping, and they realize that quiet moments are no longer guaranteed.

    This resistance is normal. It’s part of the process.

    And just like all transitions, you don’t have to rush it.

    You are allowed to grieve what you’ve lost, even while loving what you’ve gained.

    If you currently feel lost and overwhelmed, read about The Unexpected challenges of motherhood: A Dark Night of the Soul (and how to eventually emerge from it!)

    Matrescence: The Psychology & Biology of Motherhood’s Identity Shift

    Matrescence is a biological, emotional, and hormonal transformation—not just an identity crisis.

    Science shows that motherhood physically changes your brain (Kim et al., 2010). Your gray matter shifts, making you more attuned to your child’s needs. Your hormones rewire your priorities.

    • Oxytocin deepens bonding but makes you more emotionally sensitive.
    • Prolactin pushes you into caregiving mode but can dampen motivation for personal pursuits.
    • Estrogen & progesterone fluctuations affect mood, identity, and resilience.

    So if you feel different? If you’re wondering why you don’t recognize yourself anymore?

    It’s because you are literally becoming someone new.

    Glimmers: The Opposite of Triggers

    Motherhood is full of triggers—moments that push us into frustration, exhaustion, or self-doubt.

    But it’s also full of glimmers—small, fleeting moments of pure love and connection.

    A glimmer is:

    • The warmth of your child sleeping against your chest
    • The way they reach for you instinctively, like you’re home
    • The sparkle in their eyes when they see you walk into a room

    Glimmers are the moments that remind you why this transition is worth it.

    The more you notice them, the easier this journey becomes.

    This article on the gifts of motherhood includes many more examples of glimmers and a free journaling worksheet for a sense of gratitude and accomplishment.

    How to Support Yourself Through This Transformation

    1. Acknowledge the Grief and the Growth

    • You are allowed to grieve your old self.
    • You are also allowed to love who you are becoming.

    2. Create Rituals to Mark the Transition

    3. Find Books That Help You Make Sense of It All
    Some books that beautifully capture this transition:

    These books don’t tell you how to parent—they help you understand how to navigate the identity shift of becoming a mother.

    I go deeper into the healing potential of Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood in the following book review.

    (If you’re looking for books to help you through this journey, I’ve included Amazon affiliate links—but please support local bookstores or thrift shops when possible! If you were going to buy from Amazon anyway, I’d appreciate you using my link.)

    You Are Still You—Just a Deeper Version

    Motherhood doesn’t erase you.

    It stretches you.
    It deepens you.
    It teaches you to hold opposites—love and exhaustion, joy and grief, identity and surrender.

    You don’t have to do this perfectly.

    You just have to allow yourself to become.

    And when you do?
    You might just find that the woman you’re becoming is someone you truly love.

    What Has Helped You in This Transition?

    I’d love to hear your thoughts—how have you navigated the shift from maiden to mother? What moments helped you settle into your new identity? Let’s support each other in the comments.

    References

    Kim, P., Rigo, P., Mayes, L. C., Feldman, R., Leckman, J. F., & Swain, J. E. (2010). \”Motherhood-induced neuroplasticity: Increased gray matter volume in the maternal brain.\” Behavioral Neuroscience, 124(6), 815-825.

    Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. Norton.

    Marchiano, L. (2021). Motherhood: Facing and Finding Yourself. Sounds True.

  • Motherhood, CEN, and the Search for the Lost Self: A Deep Dive into Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood

    “Motherhood forces you to confront the unexamined parts of yourself.” — Lisa Marchiano

    Motherhood has a way of cracking us open. It brings joy, yes—but also a quiet, aching grief, an unsettling sense that something is missing. For those who grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)—where emotions were dismissed, overlooked, or never nurtured—motherhood can feel like a sudden flood after a lifetime of drought.

    Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood: Facing and Finding Yourself is not a parenting book. It is a book about self-discovery through the lens of motherhood—something uniquely valuable for those healing from CEN. By weaving Jungian depth psychology, myths, and real-life stories, Marchiano guides mothers through the process of reclaiming lost parts of themselves.

    But why is this book especially important for those with CEN? And how can it help untangle the deep emotional wounds that surface in motherhood?

    How Childhood Emotional Neglect Shapes Motherhood

    If you grew up with CEN, you likely learned to suppress your emotions, minimize your needs, and overfunction for others. These patterns don’t disappear when you become a mother; they often intensify.

    Signs of CEN That Resurface in Motherhood:

    • Feeling emotionally numb or disconnected from your child’s needs.
    • Struggling with overwhelming guilt when setting boundaries.
    • Feeling resentful or exhausted but unable to ask for help.
    • Being unsure how to comfort or emotionally attune to your child.
    • A persistent sense of not being “enough” as a mother.

    In Motherhood, Marchiano suggests that becoming a mother is an initiation—one that forces us to confront these deeply ingrained patterns. The emotions we suppressed in childhood begin to reawaken, and suddenly, we are face to face with our unmet needs.

    For many, this brings a crisis of identity: Who am I outside of the roles I’ve been given? And what happens when motherhood makes me feel lost rather than whole?

    Motherhood and Attachment Wounds: Reparenting Ourselves

    Many people who experienced CEN also grew up with insecure attachment—either an avoidant style (where emotions were dismissed) or an anxious style (where love felt unpredictable). These attachment wounds shape how we relate to our children, our partners, and most painfully, ourselves.

    Avoidant Attachment & Motherhood

    If you grew up suppressing emotions, motherhood may feel overwhelming. You might:

    • Struggle with deep discomfort when your child is emotionally needy.
    • Feel emotionally distant or numb but not know why.
    • Prefer to focus on practical caregiving rather than emotional connection.

    Anxious Attachment & Motherhood

    If you experienced inconsistent love, you might:

    • Feel constantly afraid of failing as a mother.
    • Become overly focused on your child’s emotions at the expense of your own.
    • Struggle with perfectionism and guilt.

    Marchiano’s book helps mothers recognize these patterns with compassion, not shame. She suggests that by becoming aware of our attachment wounds, we can start the process of reparenting ourselves—learning to meet our own emotional needs while caring for our children.

    Motherhood and CPTSD: When the Past Reawakens

    For many mothers with CEN, motherhood triggers deep-seated wounds that had long been buried. This is especially true for those who have experienced Complex PTSD (CPTSD)—a condition linked to prolonged emotional neglect, trauma, or toxic family dynamics.

    Symptoms of CPTSD in motherhood can include:

    • Emotional flashbacks—feeling suddenly small, helpless, or unworthy.
    • Dissociation—numbing out, going through the motions of parenting but feeling detached.
    • Overwhelming self-criticism—hearing an internal voice saying, “I’m a bad mom.”
    • Panic or rage in response to small triggers—a sign of deep, unprocessed pain.

    Marchiano doesn’t pathologize these struggles. Instead, she offers something radical: the idea that motherhood is a portal to healing. By bringing buried wounds to the surface, it allows us to work through them rather than carry them forward.

    The Power of Myth: How Stories Help Us Heal

    One of the most compelling parts of Motherhood is Marchiano’s use of myths and storytelling. Drawing from Jungian depth psychology, she explores how ancient stories mirror the hidden struggles of modern mothers.

    Some of the most powerful myths in the book include:

    • The Handless Maiden—A story of sacrifice, suffering, and self-reclamation.
    • Inanna’s Descent—A metaphor for the death and rebirth of identity in motherhood.
    • The Ugly Duckling—A reflection of CEN’s core wound: feeling like we don’t belong.

    These stories help us see our struggles not as personal failings, but as part of a universal human experience. They remind us that feeling lost is part of transformation—and that there is a way forward.

    Practical Takeaways: Exercises for Healing

    Marchiano doesn’t just offer insight—she offers practical tools for healing. Here are a few ways to integrate her wisdom into daily life:

    1. The “Listening to Your Inner Child” Exercise

    • Sit in a quiet space and imagine yourself as a small child.
    • Ask: What do you need from me right now?
    • Write down what comes up—without judgment.

    2. Journaling Prompts for CEN in Motherhood

    • What emotional needs went unmet in my childhood? How do they show up in my parenting?
    • When do I feel the most disconnected from my emotions?
    • What does my inner child need to hear from me today?

    3. Self-Compassion Practice

    • When you hear your inner critic say, You’re failing as a mother, respond with:
    • I am learning, just like my child is learning.
    • It’s okay to not be perfect.
    • My needs matter too.

    Further Reading for CEN & Motherhood

    If Motherhood resonates with you, these books can deepen your journey:

    Remember, supporting local bookstores or thrift shops is ideal—if unavailable, feel free to use my Amazon affiliate links. Your support is deeply appreciated.

    Final Thoughts: Motherhood as an Invitation to Healing

    For those who grew up with CEN, motherhood can feel like an unraveling. But it can also be a powerful chance to heal—to finally give ourselves the love, patience, and emotional attunement we never received.

    Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood is not about how to raise children. It is about how motherhood transforms us—whether we resist it or embrace it. It is a book that says: You are not alone. Your struggles are real. And your healing is possible.

    Ready to purchase Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood? Please consider supporting local bookstores or thrift shops. If those aren’t available, you can purchase via my Amazon affiliate link here. This way I earn a small commission at no extra cost for you. I appreciate your support.

    How has your own journey with CEN or attachment wounds influenced your experience of motherhood? Share your insights, struggles, or breakthroughs in the comments below. Your story might be the encouragement another mother needs to begin her healing journey.

    Are you struggling with mother rage? Do you want to understand how CEN fuels it and how to begin healing? Check out Mother Rage and the Hidden Wounds of Childhood Emotional Neglect: Understanding, Healing and Finding Peace