Tag: Lisa Marchiano Motherhood

Motherhood changes you. Sometimes in ways you expect—sometimes in ways that shake you to your core.

One day, you’re you—the person you’ve always known yourself to be. And then, you become someone’s mother.

For some women, that shift feels natural. For others, it feels like a slow, quiet loss—a fading of the person they once were.

Maybe you miss the version of yourself who had uninterrupted thoughts, spontaneous outings, or even just the freedom to be alone in your own skin. Maybe you wonder if you’ll ever feel like yourself again.

This isn’t just a lifestyle change. It’s a psychological transformation.

There’s a name for this: matrescence—the process of becoming a mother. Just like adolescence, it’s messy, emotional, and full of uncertainty. And like all transitions, it doesn’t happen overnight.

For some, it happens gradually. For others, it only fully lands after their second child, or when their last baby stops napping and they realize alone time is officially gone.

But here’s the truth: You aren’t losing yourself. You’re becoming more of who you are.

This article is here to hold your hand through that journey—to help you understand what’s happening, why you might be resisting it, and how to step into this new role in a way that feels whole, intentional, and deeply you.

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The Maiden Archetype: Who We Were Before Motherhood

Before children, we are the maiden—a stage of life filled with possibility, self-discovery, and freedom.

In the maiden phase, you:

• Follow your own rhythms and desires
• Make decisions based on what you want and need
• Feel like your identity is clear—anchored in your work, passions, friendships, or creativity

This phase is beautiful and necessary. It’s where we build our sense of who we are in the world.

But then, motherhood happens. And suddenly, we are responsible for someone else’s entire existence.

And that shift? It can feel like an earthquake.

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The Mother Archetype: What Changes Inside Us

Stepping into motherhood isn’t just about taking care of a child—it’s about becoming a different version of ourselves.

The mother archetype is defined by:

• Deep emotional attunement
• A fierce, protective love
• Less focus on personal ambition, more on caregiving
• A shift from self-exploration to stability and responsibility

But here’s the part that no one talks about:

This transition isn’t instant.

Many of us resist it.

We feel angry about losing our independence.
We grieve the version of ourselves who had time to just be.
We wonder if we’ll ever feel that lightness again.

And that’s okay.

Resisting this transition doesn’t mean you don’t love your child. It means you’re human.

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The Resistance Phase: Why It’s So Hard to Let Go of Who We Were

Maybe you feel it, too—that deep pull to hold onto your old self.

Maybe you:

• Feel resentful about always being needed (I discuss the underlying cause of mother rage here)
• Long for the space to hear your own thoughts again
• Grieve the spontaneity of your pre-motherhood life
• Feel guilty for wanting more than just motherhood

For many women, this resistance is strongest after their second child, when the weight of caregiving becomes undeniable.

For others, it happens when their last child stops napping, and they realize that quiet moments are no longer guaranteed.

This resistance is normal. It’s part of the process.

And just like all transitions, you don’t have to rush it.

You are allowed to grieve what you’ve lost, even while loving what you’ve gained.

If you currently feel lost and overwhelmed, read about The Unexpected challenges of motherhood: A Dark Night of the Soul (and how to eventually emerge from it!)

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Matrescence: The Psychology & Biology of Motherhood’s Identity Shift

Matrescence is a biological, emotional, and hormonal transformation—not just an identity crisis.

Science shows that motherhood physically changes your brain (Kim et al., 2010). Your gray matter shifts, making you more attuned to your child’s needs. Your hormones rewire your priorities.

• Oxytocin deepens bonding but makes you more emotionally sensitive.
• Prolactin pushes you into caregiving mode but can dampen motivation for personal pursuits.
• Estrogen & progesterone fluctuations affect mood, identity, and resilience.

So if you feel different? If you’re wondering why you don’t recognize yourself anymore?

It’s because you are literally becoming someone new.

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Glimmers: The Opposite of Triggers

Motherhood is full of triggers—moments that push us into frustration, exhaustion, or self-doubt.

But it’s also full of glimmers—small, fleeting moments of pure love and connection.

A glimmer is:

• The warmth of your child sleeping against your chest
• The way they reach for you instinctively, like you’re home
• The sparkle in their eyes when they see you walk into a room

Glimmers are the moments that remind you why this transition is worth it.

The more you notice them, the easier this journey becomes.

This article on the gifts of motherhood includes many more examples of glimmers and a free journaling worksheet for a sense of gratitude and accomplishment.

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How to Support Yourself Through This Transformation

1. Acknowledge the Grief and the Growth

• You are allowed to grieve your old self.
• You are also allowed to love who you are becoming.

2. Create Rituals to Mark the Transition

• Take time to journal through matrescence. Here is a free journaling guide with downloadable worksheet.
• Light a candle each night to symbolize this new stage.
• Use tea, music, or nature as grounding rituals.

3. Find Books That Help You Make Sense of It All
Some books that beautifully capture this transition:

• Motherhood: Facing and Finding Yourself – Lisa Marchiano
• What Mothers Do – Naomi Stadlen
• What No One Tells You: A Guide to Your Emotions from Pregnancy to Motherhood – Alexandra Sacks & Catherine Birndorf

These books don’t tell you how to parent—they help you understand how to navigate the identity shift of becoming a mother.

I go deeper into the healing potential of Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood in the following book review.

(If you’re looking for books to help you through this journey, I’ve included Amazon affiliate links—but please support local bookstores or thrift shops when possible! If you were going to buy from Amazon anyway, I’d appreciate you using my link.)

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You Are Still You—Just a Deeper Version

Motherhood doesn’t erase you.

It stretches you.
It deepens you.
It teaches you to hold opposites—love and exhaustion, joy and grief, identity and surrender.

You don’t have to do this perfectly.

You just have to allow yourself to become.

And when you do?
You might just find that the woman you’re becoming is someone you truly love.

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What Has Helped You in This Transition?

I’d love to hear your thoughts—how have you navigated the shift from maiden to mother? What moments helped you settle into your new identity? Let’s support each other in the comments.

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References

Kim, P., Rigo, P., Mayes, L. C., Feldman, R., Leckman, J. F., & Swain, J. E. (2010). \”Motherhood-induced neuroplasticity: Increased gray matter volume in the maternal brain.\” Behavioral Neuroscience, 124(6), 815-825.

Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. Norton.

Marchiano, L. (2021). Motherhood: Facing and Finding Yourself. Sounds True.