Tag: journaling prompts for moms

Motherhood arrives like a tide, reshaping everything in its wake. You expected sleepless nights, endless feedings, and tender moments—but not this deep, aching sense of loss. The feeling of standing at the edge of yourself, looking for the woman you once were.

You love your child fiercely, but somewhere along the way, you have disappeared.

If this resonates, you are not alone. Many mothers experience a Dark Night of the Soul—a painful but profound transformation. This is not just exhaustion. It is an identity shift, a confrontation with buried wounds, and an invitation to rediscover yourself.

Let’s explore why this happens, the psychological frameworks that can help, and how to find your way through.

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The Dark Night of the Soul in Motherhood: A Spiritual and Psychological Shift

The Dark Night of the Soul, a term from the 16th-century mystic St. John of the Cross, describes a period of deep inner struggle where old identities fall away, leaving space for a more authentic self to emerge.

For mothers, this often looks like:

• Feeling disconnected from your old self.
• Longing for freedom, spontaneity, or creative expression.
• Feeling guilt for not always enjoying motherhood.
• Resentment toward the relentless demands of caregiving.
• A sense of isolation, even in a full household.

These feelings are not a failure of love—they are part of a transformation.

Psychologists now recognize this shift as Matrescence, the process of becoming a mother, which is just as disorienting as adolescence.

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Matrescence: Why Motherhood Feels Like an Identity Crisis

What Is Matrescence?

Coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael (1975), matrescence describes the physical, emotional, and psychological transformation that happens when a woman becomes a mother. Unlike the abrupt shifts of puberty, matrescence can last for years.

A study by Saxbe et al. (2018) found that pregnancy and early motherhood literally rewire the brain, strengthening neural circuits related to caregiving while temporarily reducing areas linked to self-focus. This helps mothers attune to their babies—but can also explain why many feel they’ve lost themselves.

How to Work with Matrescence Instead of Against It

Instead of resisting this transformation, embrace it with gentle self-inquiry:

• What parts of me feel lost, and which parts are simply changing?
• How can I honor my needs while caring for my child?
• What new strengths am I discovering in myself?

→ Journaling Exercise:
Write a letter to your pre-motherhood self. Describe what has changed, what you grieve, and what you have gained. Then, write a response from your future self—someone who has integrated motherhood and selfhood in a way that feels whole.

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The Heroine’s Journey: A Psychological Framework for Motherhood

What Is the Heroine’s Journey?

In The Heroine’s Journey (1990), Maureen Murdock describes a path distinct from the traditional hero’s quest. While the hero battles external enemies, the heroine’s journey is internal—a descent into self-discovery and integration.

How Motherhood Mirrors the Heroine’s Journey

1. Separation from the Old Self

• You begin motherhood with expectations—often shaped by culture, family, or social media.
• The early months bring exhaustion, identity shifts, and the realization that motherhood is not what you imagined.

2. The Dark Night of the Soul (Crisis & Identity Loss)

• This is where many mothers struggle. The exhaustion, the loss of autonomy, the pressure to do everything \”right.\”
• Childhood wounds resurface, especially if you grew up with emotional neglect (CEN) or insecure attachment. → Reflective Exercise:
  Ask yourself: What did I crave most as a child? How can I give this to myself now? If you longed for gentleness, for example, how can you create moments of softness in your daily life?

If you find journaling helpful and would like to dive deeper, explore this guide with 30+ prompts.

3. Meeting the Shadow (Facing Buried Wounds & Expectations)

• Many mothers over-schedule themselves to avoid emotions.
• Cultural narratives (“good mothers are selfless”) clash with the need for self-care. → Practical Step:
  Make a “No Longer List”—things you will no longer do in order to reclaim space for yourself. Example: I will no longer apologize for needing rest. I will no longer say yes out of guilt.

4. Integration & Self-Reclamation

• Slowly, you rebuild your sense of self—not as who you were before, but as someone stronger, deeper, and more whole.
• You learn to mother yourself as well as your child.

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Polyvagal Theory: Why Motherhood Feels Overwhelming

How Your Nervous System Responds to Stress

According to Dr. Stephen Porges (1994), the nervous system has three main states:

• Ventral Vagal (Safe & Connected) → Feeling present, open, emotionally available.
• Sympathetic (Fight-or-Flight) → Feeling anxious, overwhelmed, overstimulated.
• Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown/Freeze) → Feeling numb, disconnected, running on autopilot.

Many mothers oscillate between fight-or-flight and shutdown, leading to exhaustion.

How to Regulate Your Nervous System

→ Grounding Exercise:

• Place a hand over your heart.
• Inhale deeply for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 6.
• Whisper to yourself, I am safe. I am allowed to rest.

→ Physical Self-Regulation:

• Humming or singing (activates the vagus nerve).
• Swaying or rocking (mimics the soothing movement of being held).
• Warmth (a warm cup of tea, a bath, a blanket).

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Practical Self-Care for the Mother Who Feels Lost

1. Micro-Restoration Practices (Tiny Acts of Self-Reclamation)

• 2-minute sensory reset: Close your eyes, inhale a familiar scent (lavender, citrus), and notice how your body responds.
• Drink your tea while it\’s hot. (It sounds simple, but how often do you let it go cold?)
• Reclaim a 5-minute daily ritual. (Reading, stretching, journaling, lighting a candle.)

2. Emotional Nourishment

• Say \”Yes\” to help. Let someone else hold the baby while you rest.
• Seek out other mothers who “get it.” Motherhood was never meant to be done alone.

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Stories from Mothers Who Have Been There

Emma, 34: “I thought losing my freedom would be the hardest part of motherhood. But really, it was losing myself. I started writing poetry again, just five minutes a day. It reminded me that I still exist outside of motherhood.”

Maya, 29: “I realized I was filling my schedule so I wouldn’t have to sit with my emotions. I thought being busy meant being productive. But slowing down was what I actually needed.”

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A Letter to the Mother Who Feels Lost

Dear woman,

I see you. I see the exhaustion, the quiet grief, the depth of your love, the intensity of your pain.

You are not broken. You are becoming.

One day, you will look back and see that you did not disappear in motherhood—you were remade.

With love,
A fellow traveler, once surrounded by darkness

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• Murdock, M. (1990). The Heroine’s Journey: Woman’s Quest for Wholeness. Shambhala Publications. Overview of the Heroine\’s Journey
• Porges, S. W. (1995). \”Orienting in a defensive world: Mammalian modifications of our evolutionary heritage. A Polyvagal Theory.\” Psychophysiology, 32(4), 301-318. Polyvagal Theory Overview
• Raphael, D. (1975). The Tender Gift: Breastfeeding. Schocken Books.
• Saxbe, D., Golan, O., & Moses-Kolko, E. L. (2018). \”Neurobiological adaptations to motherhood: Implications for parental behavior.\” Current Opinion in Psychology, 15, 26-32.
• St. John of the Cross (1578). Dark Night of the Soul.
• Winnicott, D. W. (1960). \”The theory of the parent-infant relationship.\” International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 41, 585-595.

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Comment & Connect

What part of this resonated with you? How have you navigated the unexpected challenges of motherhood? Share in the comments—I’d love to hear your story.

Prepared for a deeper exploration of the maiden to mother transition?Check out the following guide. 

Looking for a transformational book? See why Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood is an excellent choice.