Healing the Void: From CEN to Wholeness, A Psychological and Seasonal Journey

Tag: Internal Family Systems

  • Why Am I Sabotaging My Stable Job While Overworking on My Side Hustle? Understanding Shadow Motivations & Finding Balance (+free PDF)

    The Tension Between Urgency and Avoidance

    You’re caught between two worlds.

    • You have a stable job—it’s not thrilling, but it pays the bills. Lately, though, you find yourself dragging your feet. Emails pile up. Tasks that once felt easy now overwhelm you. You’re not lazy, but something in you resists.
    • At the same time, you have a passion project—a side hustle that lights you up. You stay up too late working on it, pouring in all your energy, even at the cost of sleep. It feels urgent, like you’re racing against time.

    Or maybe your version looks different:

    • You sabotage your stable job, not on purpose, but by missing deadlines, making careless mistakes, or avoiding responsibilities.
    • You know you need the income, but you still can’t make yourself care.
    • You want a gentle transition, but instead, it feels like you’re swinging between obsessive work on your side hustle and neglecting everything else.

    You wonder: Why can’t I just balance both? Why does it feel like all-or-nothing?

    At first glance, it seems like exhaustion or procrastination. But something deeper is at play.

    • Your unconscious mind is making a choice for you.
    • Parts of you are in conflict, pushing and pulling in opposite directions.
    • Your body is reacting as if your job is a threat.

    Let’s break it down.

    1. The Psychological Tug-of-War: The Urgent vs. The Avoidant Self

    When two conflicting motivations exist within us, they often take on lives of their own:

    • The Urgent Worker: The part of you that feels compelled to pour every ounce of energy into your passion project, fearing that if you don’t, you’ll never break free.
    • The Avoidant Employee: The part of you that dreads your stable job, disengaging from responsibilities, making mistakes, and feeling trapped.

    These two selves are locked in battle, both trying to protect you but pulling you in opposite directions.

    • The Urgent Worker believes that the side hustle is your escape and must be prioritized at all costs.
    • The Avoidant Employee sees your current job as a burden and unconsciously resists it, fearing stagnation.

    But the real question is—what deeper fears are fueling these reactions?

    2. What’s Actually Being Avoided?

    Behind this inner conflict lies a fear of failure, rejection, or instability.

    • Fear of Inadequacy: “I’m not good enough to make this work, so I have to work harder.”
    • Fear of Stagnation: “If I settle into my job, I might never leave.”
    • Fear of Uncertainty: “What if I quit and my side hustle fails?”
    • Fear of Success: “What if my passion project takes off and I’m not ready?”

    The irony? By pushing yourself too hard and neglecting your current job, you create the very instability you fear.

    3. The Nervous System’s Role: Hyperarousal vs. Shutdown

    This internal conflict is not just psychological—it’s deeply biological.

    • The Urgent Worker is in hyperarousal (fight-or-flight mode), driven by anxiety and a sense of scarcity.
    • The Avoidant Employee is in shutdown (dorsal vagal response), feeling helpless and disengaged.

    When your body perceives your stable job as a “trap” and your side hustle as your “survival plan,” these extreme reactions emerge.

    But what if we could regulate the nervous system to create a smoother, more sustainable transition?

    Psychological Frameworks for Understanding

    If you’ve ever felt trapped between your stable job and your passion project, unable to transition smoothly, you’re not alone. The struggle isn’t just about time management—it’s a psychological battle. Your mind and body are working at cross-purposes, and without awareness, they can keep you stuck in cycles of burnout, avoidance, and self-sabotage.

    Let’s explore three key psychological frameworks that shed light on this inner conflict:

    • Internal Family Systems (IFS): How to identify and dialogue with the conflicting parts inside you
    • Jungian Psychology: The shadow side of ambition and responsibility
    • Polyvagal Theory: How to shift from survival mode to a state of balance

    Internal Family Systems (IFS): Your Inner Conflict Is a Conversation

    IFS views the mind as a system of different “parts,” each with its own role, fears, and desires. The tension between overworking on your side hustle and neglecting your stable job is not just one problem—it’s two parts of you in conflict.

    The Three Main Parts at Play

    1. The Ambitious Part (Exile + Protector)
      • This part sees your stable job as a trap and your side hustle as freedom.
      • It may carry past wounds—perhaps from a childhood where creativity wasn’t valued, or where security was unstable.
      • It pushes you to work tirelessly because it fears that if you don’t, you’ll never escape.
    2. The Responsible Part (Protector)
      • This part wants stability. It knows you need income.
      • It resents the ambitious part for taking reckless risks.
      • Instead of motivating you, it sometimes shuts down, making your job feel overwhelming and impossible.
    3. The Frozen Part (Exile or Firefighter Response)
      • This part holds fear of failure. It’s terrified that if you try to transition and fail, you’ll have nothing.
      • It reacts by paralyzing you at your stable job and distracting you with overwork on your passion project.

    How to Work with These Parts

    • Self-inquiry journaling: Ask each part what it fears and what it needs.
    • Compassionate dialogue: Instead of fighting your avoidance, acknowledge the fear underneath it.
    • Negotiation exercise: Can your ambitious part agree to a slow transition if your responsible part feels safe?

    Jungian Psychology: The Shadow Side of Ambition and Responsibility

    Carl Jung’s concept of the shadow explains why we often sabotage ourselves. The shadow consists of unconscious desires, fears, and emotions that don’t fit our self-image—so we suppress them.

    In this case:

    • If you see yourself as a responsible provider, your ambitious, risk-taking side may be suppressed—until it bursts out through obsessive overwork on your side hustle.
    • If you see yourself as a creative entrepreneur, your fear of financial instability may be repressed—until it sabotages your transition with procrastination and overwhelm.

    Your self-sabotage isn’t random—it’s your unconscious trying to maintain balance.

    How to Work with Your Shadow

    • Dreamwork & Freewriting: Write about your fears and fantasies of success/failure. What hidden emotions emerge?
    • Symbolic Representation: Pick a tarot card (or image) that represents both your desire for freedom and fear of failure. Meditate on them together.
    • Integration Exercise: Accept both ambition and responsibility as part of you, rather than letting one dominate.

    Polyvagal Theory: Shifting from Survival Mode to Balance

    Your nervous system plays a huge role in this struggle. If your body perceives your stable job as a threat, it may trigger:

    • Fight mode: You push aggressively into your side hustle, neglecting everything else.
    • Freeze mode: You feel paralyzed at your job, unable to focus.

    The goal is to regulate your nervous system so you can transition gently and sustainably.

    How to Shift into a Regulated State

    • Vagus Nerve Exercises: Humming, slow breathing, or cold exposure to shift out of stress mode.
    • Embodiment Practices: Yin yoga, dance, or walking help integrate emotions.
    • Somatic Journaling: Write how your body feels in both work modes—what does urgency feel like? What does shutdown feel like?

    Transformational Exercises to Break the Cycle

    Understanding the psychological roots of your struggle is the first step. Now, let’s move toward practical action—how to gently reconcile your need for security and your drive for change without burnout, guilt, or self-sabotage.

    These exercises are designed to:

    1. Ease the urgency driving you to overwork on your side hustle.
    2. Reduce the overwhelm making your stable job feel unbearable.
    3. Create a sustainable path forward where you honor both parts of yourself.

    1. The “Wise Mentor” Visualization

    Your ambitious part and responsible part are often stuck in a power struggle. Instead of letting them battle it out, introduce a third voice—your inner Wise Mentor.

    How to Do It:

    • Find a quiet space, close your eyes, and take a few deep breaths.
    • Imagine a future version of yourself who has successfully transitioned into meaningful work.
    • Ask them:
      • What helped you make the transition?
      • What mistakes did you stop making?
      • What daily actions built the bridge between your job and your dream?
    • Write down their advice as if they were guiding you.

    Why it works: This bypasses self-doubt and taps into your own inner wisdom—one that sees the full picture beyond urgency and fear.

    2. The “Sustainable Path” Experiment

    Many people stay stuck because they think the transition must be all or nothing. Instead of imagining a dramatic leap, experiment with sustainable changes and let reality guide you.

    How to Do It:

    • List 3 small, manageable changes you can make in the next month that move you closer to your dream without destabilizing your income.
      • Example: Reducing work hours, testing a paid offer, shifting job responsibilities.
    • Track your emotional state: How does each change affect your sense of balance and security?
    • Adjust as needed: Let your actual experience (not just your fear) tell you what is working.

    Why it works: This lowers resistance by making the transition feel realistic, flexible, and emotionally safe.

    3. Somatic Release for Overwhelm & Avoidance

    Your body holds unprocessed fear and resistance, which can show up as paralysis at your job or frantic work on your side hustle. This exercise helps discharge that stuck energy.

    How to Do It:

    • Set a timer for 2 minutes.
    • Move your body in any way that feels instinctual—shaking, stretching, stomping.
    • Breathe deeply and release tension as you move.
    • Afterward, journal:
      • What did I feel?
      • What shifted?
      • What does my body need to feel safe moving forward?

    Why it works: Physical movement helps reset the nervous system, making it easier to take action without overwhelm or shutdown.

    4. Shadow Work Journaling: Healing the Fear of Failure

    Beneath the struggle is often a deep fear of failure or instability. This journaling prompt brings it into the light, so it no longer unconsciously controls your decisions.

    Journal Prompts:

    • What would failure look like for me?
    • What emotions does it bring up?
    • If I fully accepted failure as part of growth, how would that change my approach?

    Why it works: Unacknowledged fear keeps you in subconscious self-sabotage loops. Facing it directly releases its grip and opens new possibilities.

    5. The “Bare Minimum” Method for Momentum

    When we’re overwhelmed, we tend to think we need a perfect plan before acting—which often leads to paralysis. This exercise helps you prioritize small, consistent actions over grand plans.

    How to Do It:

    • Ask yourself:
      • If I could only do ONE thing this week to move forward, what would it be?
      • What is the simplest version of that action?
      • How can I make it enjoyable?
    • Do that action without worrying about the bigger picture.

    Why it works: Overthinking keeps us stuck. This method keeps you moving with minimal resistance.

    Book Recommendations for Further Exploration

    If you want to dive deeper into these themes—balancing ambition and stability, understanding your inner conflicts, and creating meaningful change—here are some powerful books to explore:

    On Inner Conflict & Self-Sabotage:

    • \”The War of Art\” – Steven Pressfield (A must-read on overcoming resistance in creative and entrepreneurial work.)
    • \”The Big Leap\” – Gay Hendricks (Explores how we subconsciously limit ourselves and how to move past those blocks.)
    • \”The Mountain Is You\” – Brianna Wiest (A deep dive into self-sabotage and how to transform it into self-mastery.)

    On Shadow Work & Psychological Healing:

    • \”Owning Your Own Shadow\” – Robert A. Johnson (A short, accessible introduction to Jungian shadow work.)
    • \”Romancing the Shadow\” – Connie Zweig & Steve Wolf (Explores how unconscious parts of us sabotage our lives and how to integrate them.)

    On Navigating Career Transitions & Meaningful Work:

    • \”Designing Your Life\” – Bill Burnett & Dave Evans (Practical exercises for building a career path that feels fulfilling.)
    • \”The Artist’s Way\” – Julia Cameron (Great for reconnecting with creative ambition and overcoming blocks.)
    • \”So Good They Can’t Ignore You\” – Cal Newport (A research-backed guide to career satisfaction through skill-building instead of chasing passion.)

    Q&A: Overcoming Common Struggles in Transition

    Q: I feel a constant urgency to work on my side hustle, but I also fear burnout. How do I manage this?

    A: Your urgency might come from a mix of excitement and fear of stagnation. Try:

    • Time-blocking work and rest so you don’t drain yourself.
    • Using the “Wise Mentor” Visualization (from earlier) to gain perspective on sustainable growth.
    • Asking yourself: “What’s one small, meaningful action I can take today?” instead of chasing a vague sense of “progress.”

    Q: My stable job feels increasingly unbearable, but I can’t quit yet. How can I make it more tolerable?

    A: Instead of focusing only on enduring the job, explore:

    • Micro-shifts: Can you tweak responsibilities, work environment, or mindset to make it more engaging?
    • Reframing: Can you view it as funding your future, rather than an obstacle?
    • Setting a transition timeline: Even a loose plan can make the job feel less suffocating.

    Q: I feel stuck in an all-or-nothing mindset—either I quit and go all-in, or I stay forever. How do I break out of this?

    A: Try the “Sustainable Path” Experiment (outlined earlier). Test gradual shifts instead of waiting for the “perfect” moment. Many successful transitions happen in small steps, not leaps.

    Q: I’m scared of failure. What if my side hustle doesn’t work out?

    A: Failure is a learning process, not a final verdict. Use:

    • The Shadow Work Journaling exercise to explore hidden fears.
    • The “Bare Minimum” Method to focus on progress over perfection.
    • Redefine failure: What if it’s just a pivot rather than an ending?

    Free Resource: The Gentle Transition Workbook

    From Overwhelm to Flow: A Step-by-Step Guide to Balancing Stability & Growth

    This guided workbook will help you navigate the push-pull dynamic between your stable job and your side hustle with clarity, self-compassion, and actionable steps.

    What’s Inside?

    1. Understanding Your Inner Conflict

    ✔ Self-Reflection Questions to identify which parts of you feel trapped, scared, or overly ambitious.
    ✔ IFS-Based Dialogue: A structured way to engage with your “Worker” and “Dreamer” parts.

    2. Shadow Work: Releasing Self-Sabotage

    ✔ Journaling Prompts to uncover hidden fears around success, failure, and self-worth.
    ✔ The “Projection Exercise”: Spotting where you might be disowning your ambition or suppressing your need for stability.

    3. The Sustainable Growth Plan

    ✔ The “Bare Minimum” Method: A low-pressure way to keep momentum without burnout.
    ✔ Micro-Shifts Exercise: Tiny tweaks to make your current job more tolerable while building your future.

    4. Overcoming Resistance & Procrastination

    ✔ The “Wise Mentor” Visualization: Gaining perspective from your future self.
    ✔ Rewiring Dopamine Triggers: Making progress feel more rewarding than avoidance.

    5. Your Personalized Transition Timeline

    ✔ Roadmap Exercise: Mapping a 3-month, 6-month, and 1-year plan for a smooth transition.
    ✔ Accountability Checkpoints: How to stay on track without pressure.

    Bonus: Case Study Breakdowns

    Real-life examples of people who have successfully transitioned while keeping financial stability.

    How to Get Your Free Workbook?

    Click the button below to download your free printable Gentle Transition Workbook and start shifting from chaos to clarity:

    Download now

    Final Wrap-Up: Embracing a Balanced Transition

    Navigating the tension between a stable job and a passion-driven side hustle can feel overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing decision. By understanding your inner conflicts, working with your shadow motivations, and implementing a gentle transition strategy, you can move toward meaningful work without burnout or financial insecurity.

    Remember, the goal isn’t just escaping a job—it’s building a sustainable, fulfilling life where both stability and passion coexist in a way that serves you.

    Let’s share!

    If this article resonated with you, share your thoughts in the comments or pass it along to someone who might need it. You don’t have to choose between security and passion—with the right approach, you can build a bridge between them.

  • Healing Shadow Motivations: Understanding and Transforming Self-Sabotage (+free PDF)

    Introduction: The Hidden Conflict Between Security & Meaning

    Imagine this: You have a stable, well-paying job—one that provides financial security but little meaning. You’ve been in this position for years, and though it’s never thrilled you, you’ve told yourself it’s responsible to stay.

    But something inside you is shifting.

    You have a clear vision of what you’d rather be doing. Maybe it’s a different career path, a creative pursuit, or a long-held dream that seems just out of reach. You’ve even started a side project that excites you—one that feels right in a way your job never has.

    And yet… you find yourself making mistakes at work. Forgetting important emails. Procrastinating on simple tasks. Feeling drained before the day even begins. It’s almost as if a part of you wants to fail.

    If this resonates, you’re not alone. Shadow motivation—the unconscious force that drives us in ways we don’t fully understand—may be at play.

    This article will explore:
    ✅ Why we sabotage what we think we need
    ✅ How our suppressed desires can surface as destructive habits
    ✅ Psychological frameworks for understanding this inner conflict
    ✅ Practical exercises to work with shadow motivation instead of against it

    Let’s start by uncovering what’s happening beneath the surface.

    The Shadow’s Role: When Suppressed Desires Rebel

    According to Carl Jung, the shadow is made up of everything we repress, reject, or push away in ourselves—often because it conflicts with the roles we’ve been conditioned to play.

    In this case, the shadow contains the part of you that craves meaning, purpose, and creativity—the part that doesn’t just want to survive, but to thrive.

    But if this desire is suppressed (because it feels unrealistic, unsafe, or irresponsible), it doesn’t disappear. Instead, it leaks out in unintended ways:

    • Procrastination on work tasks → A silent rebellion against stagnation
    • Making mistakes or missing deadlines → An unconscious escape route
    • Burnout and exhaustion → A body’s way of saying, I can’t do this anymore
    • Irritation toward coworkers or clients → A displaced frustration with your own lack of movement
    • Obsessively fantasizing about quitting → A sign that a deeper part of you is already letting go

    At first glance, these behaviors might seem self-destructive. But from a Jungian perspective, they’re actually a message from your unconscious:

    \”Something is out of alignment. Pay attention.\”

    The real problem is not the sabotage itself—it’s the internal war happening between two parts of you:

    1. The Responsible Worker → Values financial stability, fears uncertainty, and insists on playing it safe.
    2. The Dreamer → Desperately wants more meaning, autonomy, and creative fulfillment.

    And now, a third figure has emerged:

    1. The Saboteur → A shadow aspect that is neither fully aligned with The Worker nor The Dreamer. It’s frustrated, trapped, and trying (in messy, counterproductive ways) to break free.

    If we ignore this inner conflict, the sabotage will likely continue—until we’re either forced to leave or so drained that we can’t pursue our dreams.

    But if we listen to it? We can begin to turn self-sabotage into self-discovery.

    The Psychological Forces at Play: Why We Sabotage Stability for the Sake of Meaning

    Now that we’ve identified shadow motivation in action, let’s explore the deeper forces driving this inner conflict.

    While Jung’s concept of the shadow gives us a powerful foundation, other psychological frameworks help explain whywe self-sabotage when we feel stuck between security and purpose.

    1. Internal Family Systems (IFS): The Inner Conflict Between Parts

    What it is: IFS (developed by Richard Schwartz) sees the mind as a system of different “parts,” each with its own motivations, fears, and protective mechanisms.

    How it applies here:
    In this case, at least three parts are at war:

    • The Responsible Worker → Wants stability, avoids risk, and fears financial insecurity.
    • The Dreamer → Craves meaning, freedom, and alignment with deeper values.
    • The Saboteur → A shadow part that, feeling trapped, disrupts work in passive-aggressive ways.

    Why this matters: When we resist our Dreamer part for too long, The Saboteur steps in—not to destroy us, but to force a reckoning.

    Solution: IFS teaches us to integrate these parts instead of letting them fight. What would happen if The Responsible Worker and The Dreamer could collaborate instead of battle? (We’ll cover practical steps for this in Part 3.)

    2. Cognitive Dissonance: The Stress of Living Out of Alignment

    What it is: Cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort that arises when our actions contradict our beliefs or desires.

    How it applies here:

    • You believe in meaningful work—but stay in a job that lacks it.
    • You dream of pursuing your passion—but tell yourself it’s unrealistic.
    • You feel deep resistance toward your job—but continue forcing yourself to show up.

    Why this matters: Your brain doesn’t like inconsistency. Over time, this internal contradiction creates stress, leading to avoidance behaviors, procrastination, and burnout.

    Solution: Instead of ignoring the discomfort, we can use it as a signal to explore what changes (big or small) could realign our actions with our values.

    3. The Upper Limit Problem: When Success Feels Unsafe

    What it is: Coined by Gay Hendricks (The Big Leap), the Upper Limit Problem suggests that we unconsciously sabotage ourselves when we exceed our internal comfort zone for happiness or success.

    How it applies here:

    • If deep down you don’t believe you’re “good enough” for your dream career, your subconscious may keep you stuck in a job you’ve outgrown.
    • If you equate financial stability with safety, then even the idea of leaving might trigger fear responses.
    • If past experiences have taught you that following your passion leads to disappointment, you may unconsciously hold yourself back.

    Why this matters: Self-sabotage isn’t always about failure—it’s often a defense against growth that feels too unfamiliar or too risky.

    Solution: Recognizing these patterns helps us consciously expand our tolerance for uncertainty and success.

    4. Existential Psychology: The Void of Meaningless Work

    What it is: Existential psychology (inspired by thinkers like Viktor Frankl) focuses on the human need for meaning, purpose, and authentic self-expression.

    How it applies here:

    • Long-term engagement in work that feels meaningless can lead to existential frustration—a deep sense of emptiness and stagnation.
    • This frustration often manifests as exhaustion, cynicism, and disengagement (classic symptoms of burnout).
    • If your core values aren’t being met, your mind and body will protest—whether through apathy, anxiety, or self-sabotage.

    Why this matters: This framework helps us see that the problem isn’t laziness or irresponsibility—it’s a call to create more meaning in your work and life.

    Solution: Small shifts (not just quitting) can help reintroduce purpose into your career. We’ll explore specific, doable strategies in the following part.

    How to Work With, Not Against, Your Shadow Motivation

    Now that we understand the psychological forces at play, it’s time to shift from awareness to action. How can we integrate the conflicting parts of ourselves, reframe resistance, and make meaningful changes without destabilizing our lives?

    This section offers practical strategies rooted in Internal Family Systems (IFS), Cognitive Dissonance Theory, the Upper Limit Problem, and Existential Psychology—with a focus on small but powerful shifts that support realignment.

    1. Befriending Your Shadow: An IFS-Based Exercise

    Goal: Transform self-sabotage into insight by giving your conflicting parts a voice.

    • Step 1: Name the Parts – Close your eyes and imagine your Responsible Worker, Dreamer, and Saboteur sitting at a round table. What do they look like? How do they feel?
    • Step 2: Listen to Each One – Ask each part, “What are you afraid of? What do you need?” Write down their responses.
    • Step 3: Find a Middle Path – Your Worker fears losing stability, your Dreamer longs for purpose, and your Saboteur wants change but doesn’t trust you to take it seriously. What small step could address all their concerns?

    🔹 Example: Instead of quitting your job impulsively (which your Worker would resist), could you schedule structured time for your side project, giving your Dreamer a chance to thrive?

    🔹 Why this works: Instead of fighting your parts, you’re integrating them into a plan that respects all their needs.

    2. Reframing Cognitive Dissonance: The Power of Small Experiments

    When you feel stuck between your current reality and your ideal vision, the tension (cognitive dissonance) creates anxiety. Instead of suppressing this discomfort, use it as a guide for micro-adjustments.

    • Ask yourself: What’s one way I can make my job slightly more meaningful this week?
    • Commit to a tiny shift:
      • Can you spend 15 minutes daily learning something related to your dream field?
      • Can you find one aspect of your job that aligns with your values?
      • Can you introduce creativity, mentorship, or autonomy in small ways?

    🔹 Example: If you’re in a corporate job but love holistic wellness, could you start a company newsletter on mindfulness or lead a short stretch session at work?

    🔹 Why this works: It eases the tension between where you are and where you want to be—without drastic, high-risk moves.

    3. Expanding Your Upper Limit: Addressing Fear of Growth

    If part of you wants to grow but another part resists, you might be hitting an Upper Limit Problem. To expand what feels possible:

    • Identify your fear story: “If I really go after this, what’s the worst that could happen?” Write it down.
    • Challenge it: Is this a past wound speaking? An old identity you’re afraid to outgrow?
    • Give yourself permission to expand slowly: Instead of making the leap, make a shift.

    🔹 Example: If you fear your side project will never be “good enough” to monetize, reframe success: Could your first win be helping one person? Could you launch a tiny paid offer instead of feeling pressure to go full-time?

    🔹 Why this works: It stops fear from shutting you down completely and helps you normalize success in smaller increments.

    4. Injecting Meaning Into Your Work (Even If You Can’t Quit Yet)

    Instead of waiting for a perfect exit strategy, start making meaning now:

    • Find purpose in the small moments – Can you bring more kindness, creativity, or autonomy into your day?
    • Use your current job as a resource – Can it fund your transition? Teach you useful skills?
    • Create boundaries around energy-draining tasks – If burnout is making self-sabotage worse, what’s one way you can protect your energy?

    🔹 Example: If your job feels utterly devoid of meaning, can you reframe it as a bridge—a temporary stepping stone toward something better?

    🔹 Why this works: Instead of feeling trapped in “all or nothing” thinking, you reestablish a sense of agency.

    Conclusion: Turning Shadow Motivation into a Path Forward

    Your self-sabotage isn’t failure—it’s a message. Instead of fighting your resistance, listen to it. Work with it. And most importantly, trust that small, intentional shifts can create massive internal change—without requiring reckless external leaps.

    Looking for a gentle transition from your stable job to your passion? The following guide is for you! Why Am I Sabotaging My Stable Job While Overworking on My Side Hustle? Understanding Shadow Motivations & Finding Balance (+free PDF)

    🔎 Case Studies: How Shadow Motivation Shows Up in Real Life

    Understanding shadow motivation is easier when we see it in action. Here are three real-life case studies that illustrate how hidden fears and suppressed desires manifest—and how they can be transformed.

    📌 Case Study 1: The Overworked High Achiever

    The Struggle:

    Emma is a marketing manager who has always prided herself on being reliable and hardworking. Lately, though, she forgets deadlines, misses meetings, and procrastinates on major projects. She feels guilty about her declining performance but can’t seem to stop.

    Shadow Motivation at Play:

    Emma secretly dreams of running her own wellness coaching business. She’s already taken certifications on the side, but the thought of leaving her secure salary terrifies her. Instead of consciously acknowledging this tension, her subconscious starts sabotaging her current job, making it feel more unbearable so she will have an excuse to leave.

    Breakthrough Moment:

    Through shadow work, Emma realizes she’s not lazy—she’s deeply misaligned. Instead of shaming herself for slacking off, she begins making small shifts, like saving money and working with a mentor. She no longer needs to “burn the bridge” with her current job; she builds a transition plan instead.

    📌 Case Study 2: The Burned-Out People Pleaser

    The Struggle:

    Jasmine has been in customer service for ten years. She hates saying no, overcommits, and feels drained every single day. She’s started calling in sick more often and avoiding work emails.

    Shadow Motivation at Play:

    Jasmine grew up believing that her worth depended on being liked. Her people-pleasing part keeps her stuck in a job that drains her because she’s afraid of disappointing others by leaving. Her subconscious makes her \”too exhausted to function\” so she has an external excuse to opt out.

    Breakthrough Moment:

    When Jasmine acknowledges that her energy levels are protecting her, she realizes she can set boundaries without guilt. She starts practicing saying “no” in small ways and applying for jobs that respect her emotional limits.

    📌 Case Study 3: The Perfectionist Dreamer

    The Struggle:

    David is an aspiring writer stuck in a boring data entry job. He has notebooks full of ideas but never finishes anything. He tells himself, “I’ll start seriously writing once I have the right training.”

    Shadow Motivation at Play:

    David’s inner critic believes he’s “not ready” to be a writer. Instead of taking imperfect action, he stays in a safe, predictable job and convinces himself that he needs another degree first. His subconscious has placed perfection as a prerequisite for progress.

    Breakthrough Moment:

    Through shadow work, David realizes his real fear isn’t failure—it’s visibility. Instead of taking another course, he publishes a short story online and starts sharing imperfect drafts to build confidence.

    🔄 What Can We Learn?

    Each of these cases reveals that self-sabotage isn’t random—it’s a message from our subconscious. Instead of fighting our resistance, we must listen to it and ask:

    ✔️ What is my shadow trying to protect me from?
    ✔️ How can I take a smaller, safer step toward my real desires?

    Free Resource: Reclaiming Your Power – A Shadow Motivation Workbook

    Want to go deeper? This printable guide walks you through:

    ✔️ Identifying and dialoguing with your inner conflicting parts (IFS method)
    ✔️ Reframing resistance and fear in a constructive way
    ✔️ Guided journal prompts to turn self-sabotage into clarity
    ✔️ Step-by-step plan to integrate meaning into your work without financial risk

    Download now

    📚 Recommended Books & Resources

    If you want to dive deeper into the themes of shadow work, self-sabotage, and meaning in work, here are some excellent books:

    On Shadow Work & Self-Sabotage

    • 📖 “Owning Your Own Shadow” by Robert A. Johnson – A short but powerful exploration of how our unconscious shadow shapes our actions.
    • 📖 “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers” by Debbie Ford – A practical guide to working with our hidden motivations.
    • 📖 “The War of Art” by Steven Pressfield – A no-nonsense look at resistance and how it stops us from doing meaningful work.

    On Career & Finding Purpose

    • 📖 “Designing Your Life” by Bill Burnett & Dave Evans – Uses design thinking to create a fulfilling career without drastic leaps.
    • 📖 “So Good They Can’t Ignore You” by Cal Newport – Why skill-building, not passion, leads to a satisfying career.
    • 📖 “The Pathless Path” by Paul Millerd – An alternative perspective on escaping the traditional career trap.

    On Psychological Frameworks Used in This Article

    • 📖 “No Bad Parts” by Richard Schwartz – The best introduction to Internal Family Systems (IFS).
    • 📖 “Immunity to Change” by Robert Kegan & Lisa Lahey – Why we unconsciously resist the changes we desire.
    • 📖 “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks – A deep dive into the Upper Limit Problem and how to expand what we believe is possible.

    🔗 (Insert links to book summaries or purchase pages)

    ❓ Q&A: Common Questions About Shadow Motivation

    1. “How do I know if my self-sabotage is shadow motivation or just burnout?”

    Great question! Burnout usually stems from chronic overwork, exhaustion, and lack of fulfillment. Shadow motivation, on the other hand, often manifests as strange, irrational resistance—making careless mistakes, avoiding opportunities, or feeling inexplicably stuck, even if the job itself isn’t that demanding.

    🔹 Ask yourself: “If I had unlimited energy, would I still struggle to engage in my job?” If the answer is yes, shadow motivation may be at play.

    2. “What if I don’t have a clear dream job, just a vague sense of dissatisfaction?”

    That’s completely normal! The key isn’t to force a grand vision but to start experimenting:
    ✔️ What activities make you feel alive?
    ✔️ What small interests won’t leave you alone?
    ✔️ Can you test out different paths without quitting your job?

    Your purpose isn’t something you “find” overnight—it’s something you build over time.

    3. “How do I make peace with my ‘Responsible Worker’ part? I feel guilty for wanting more.”

    Your Responsible Worker is just trying to protect you. Instead of fighting it, thank it for keeping you safe. Then, show it that you can make calculated changes without destroying security.

    Try reframing: “I’m not abandoning stability—I’m redefining it to include fulfillment.”

    4. “What if I’ve tried shadow work, but I still don’t feel ready to act?”

    Self-awareness is powerful, but action builds momentum. Start smaller than you think is necessary—maybe just 15 minutes a week on your side project. Your confidence will grow through micro-movements, not just insight alone.

    💬 Your Turn: Have You Ever Faced Shadow Motivation?

    📝 Leave a comment: What part of this article resonated most with you? Have you ever found yourself sabotaging stability in favor of something deeper?

    📢 Share if this helped you! Know someone struggling with career misalignment? Send them this guide.

    📝Explore your shadow motivations now! Download my free workbook and start right away:

    Download free workbook

  • Why Do I Panic When Plans Change? An IFS Approach to Healing Control and Powerlessness (+free PDF)

    You’ve carefully planned out every detail of an important project, trip, or even just your day. Then, suddenly—something changes. Your heart pounds, frustration rises, and you scramble to regain control. Maybe you shut down, lash out, or feel the urge to fix everything immediately. But why does something as simple as a shift in plans feel so deeply unsettling?

    Using Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we’ll explore how this reaction is often a sign of unhealed wounds from the past—and how to work with the parts of you that are trying to protect you from pain.

    Recognizing the Inner System at Play: A Real-Life Example

    Imagine this: You and your partner are in the middle of designing your dream home. You’ve put weeks into carefully planning every detail—where the windows will go, the materials you’ll use. Then, unexpectedly, your partner suggests a major change to the layout.

    Your reaction is immediate:

    • You feel tense, irritated, and overwhelmed.
    • You argue about why the original plan is better.
    • When they push back, your heart races, your chest tightens, and frustration turns into panic.
    • You become rigid and controlling, insisting that your way is best.

    It’s only later, when the emotions settle, that you realize your reaction felt much bigger than the situation warranted.

    What’s really happening? Let’s break it down using IFS.

    Understanding Your Internal System: Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters

    In IFS, we see the mind as made up of different \”parts\” that each have a role in protecting you from pain.

    1. The Exile (The Wounded Inner Child)
      • Core wound: A deep sense of powerlessness from childhood.
      • In this example: You were forced to move houses as a child. You had no say in the decision—where you lived, what furniture was taken, or how your space changed. You had to silently endure the loss, with no one helping you process it emotionally. This wounded, powerless part of you is now hidden deep inside—an Exile.
    2. The Manager (The Control-Seeker)
      • Core strategy: Prevent you from ever feeling powerless again.
      • In this example: As soon as your partner suggests a change, your Manager part jumps in: “We have to keep control! We must not let this happen again!” This part sees flexibility as dangerous because it reminds you of past helplessness.
    3. The Firefighter (The Panic Response)
      • Core strategy: Stop the overwhelming feelings—at any cost.
      • In this example: When your Manager’s attempts to control the situation don’t work, your Firefighter partactivates. This can look like:
        • A panic attack or intense frustration
        • Wanting to shut down or escape
        • Using distractions (e.g., suddenly scrolling your phone, drinking, binge-watching TV) to numb out

    Each of these parts is trying to protect you, but their methods often create distress instead.

    How to Begin Healing: Working with Your Parts

    The key to breaking this cycle is learning to turn inward with curiosity instead of reacting automatically. Here’s a step-by-step guide to working with your system in real time:

    Step 1: Pause and Name Your Parts

    When you feel that familiar tightness in your chest or urge to control, take a breath and ask yourself:

    • “Who is showing up right now? A controlling Manager? A panicked Firefighter?”
    • “What is this part afraid will happen if I don’t react this way?”

    By naming the part, you begin to unblend from it—which means you are no longer fully merged with it, but instead becoming an observer.

    Step 2: Validate and Soften Toward Your Parts

    Instead of fighting your reaction, thank your parts for their efforts:

    • “I see that my Manager is trying to keep me safe.”
    • “My Firefighter is panicking because it doesn’t want me to feel powerless.”

    This reduces inner resistance and makes healing possible.

    Step 3: Identify the Exile’s Original Wound

    Ask yourself:

    • “When was the first time I felt like this?”
    • “What was happening in my childhood when I felt powerless?”
    • “What did I need back then that I didn’t receive?”

    This allows you to recognize the childhood roots of your reactions.

    Somatic Practices: Releasing Control from the Body

    Since powerlessness is deeply felt in the nervous system, working with the body is crucial.

    1. Grounding Exercise: The 5-4-3-2-1 Method
      • When you feel panic rising, engage your senses:
        • 5 things you see
        • 4 things you touch
        • 3 things you hear
        • 2 things you smell
        • 1 thing you taste
      • This helps your brain shift from fear mode to the present moment.
    2. Anchoring Safety with Breathwork
      • Breathe in deeply for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 6 seconds.
      • As you exhale, repeat to yourself: “I am safe. I have a choice.”
    3. Self-Soothing Touch
      • Place your hand on your heart or stomach.
      • Say gently: “I’m here for you. I see you. You’re safe now.”

    Advanced IFS Techniques for Deep Healing

    Now that we’ve identified the parts at play—the Manager trying to control, the Firefighter panicking, and the Exile holding the original wound—let’s explore deeper healing techniques.

    These methods help you move beyond surface-level coping and transform your relationship with your inner system.

    1. The U-Turn: Turning Your Attention Inward

    When we feel triggered, we instinctively focus on external factors (“My partner is being unreasonable!”), but true healing requires a U-Turn:

    • Instead of blaming the situation, ask:
      • “What is this reaction showing me about myself?”
      • “Which part of me is most activated right now?”

    By shifting focus inward, we stop fighting reality and start healing the inner wounds that fuel our reactions.

    2. Direct Access: Talking to Your Parts with Compassion

    You can initiate healing without needing to access deep meditation by simply speaking to your parts directly.

    Try this script:

    1. To the Manager (control-seeker):
      • “I see how hard you’re working to keep me safe. Thank you.”
      • “What are you most afraid would happen if you let go of control?”
    2. To the Firefighter (panic response):
      • “I know you’re just trying to protect me from overwhelming feelings.”
      • “What do you need from me to feel safe without reacting so intensely?”
    3. To the Exile (wounded inner child):
      • “I see you. I remember how powerless you felt.”
      • “You are not alone anymore. I am here with you now.”

    The key is compassion and curiosity—never forcing a part to change before it feels safe.

    3. Reparenting the Exile: Giving Yourself What You Never Had

    The Exile holds a frozen memory of past pain. Healing happens when you (from your Self—your wise, centered core) offer it the love and support it never received.

    • Step into your adult Self and visualize sitting with your younger self.
    • Ask:
      • “What did you need back then that you didn’t get?”
      • “What words would have comforted you?”
    • Imagine giving your younger self exactly that—whether it’s validation, a hug, or a sense of choice.

    This process reshapes the nervous system and reduces automatic panic responses over time.

    How These Patterns Affect Relationships

    IFS isn’t just about self-awareness—it transforms how we relate to others.

    Without awareness, our parts hijack communication:

    • Manager-driven control: “We have to stick to the plan!”
    • Firefighter-driven avoidance: “I just need to get out of here.”
    • Exile-driven emotional outbursts: “You never listen to me!”

    With awareness, we can communicate from Self:

    • “When plans change suddenly, I feel overwhelmed. It reminds me of past situations where I had no choice. I need some time to process before responding.”

    This shift fosters connection instead of conflict.

    Recommended Books and Videos for Deeper Work

    Books:

    • \”No Bad Parts\” – Dr. Richard Schwartz (Founder of IFS)
    • \”The Body Keeps the Score\” – Dr. Bessel van der Kolk (Trauma’s impact on the nervous system)
    • \”Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents\” – Dr. Lindsay Gibson (Healing childhood wounds)

    Videos & YouTube Channels:

    • IFS Institute (Official IFS resources)
    • The Holistic Psychologist (Inner child healing & nervous system work)
    • Dr. Gabor Maté (Understanding trauma’s long-term impact)

    Free Downloadable Worksheet: Healing Control and Panic with IFS

    This free guide will help you work through control-based reactions using IFS. Take your time—true healing happens in small steps.

    Download now

    Final Thoughts: Moving from Panic to Peace

    Panic in response to change isn’t a flaw—it’s a survival strategy from your past. By turning inward with curiosity and compassion, you can heal the root wounds and free yourself from the cycle of control and fear.

    Now, I’d love to hear from you:

    • What parts of this article resonated with you?
    • Have you noticed similar patterns in yourself?

    Let’s open up the conversation in the comments!

    Explore further

    Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child)

    Tarot for Shadow Work? A Beginner’s Guide (Part 1 of 6)

    Why Stillness Feels Unsettling for the CEN Mother at the Playground—And How to Heal

    Why Inconsiderate People Trigger You More Than They “Should”—And How to Heal the Wound Beneath

  • When Change Feels Like a Threat: Healing Powerlessness with IFS

    Why Do Small Changes Trigger Big Reactions?

    Imagine this: You’ve meticulously planned your dream home. You’ve spent hours thinking through each design element, carefully choosing everything from the layout to the furniture placement. Then, out of nowhere, your partner or contractor suggests a change.

    \”Actually, maybe the kitchen should be in the other corner.\”

    It’s a small adjustment. No big deal, right? But inside, something shifts.

    Your chest tightens, frustration surges, and an almost irrational anger rises before you can stop it. Suddenly, you\’re arguing, feeling overwhelmed, or completely shutting down.

    Maybe you hear yourself saying:
    \”No, we agreed on this. Why are we changing things now?\”

    Or you go silent, but inside, the panic is real.

    If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. When you’ve experienced powerlessness in childhood, small changes can feel like enormous threats. Your body remembers past experiences when you had no control, and it reacts accordingly—even if the current situation is completely different.

    This is where Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy comes in. IFS helps us understand why certain parts of us react so intensely and how we can shift from rigid, fearful responses to a more flexible, self-led way of being.

    Why Do We React This Way? The Role of Our Internal Parts

    IFS teaches that we all have different parts inside us—subpersonalities that help us cope with past emotional pain. These parts fall into three main categories:

    1. Exiles – The deeply wounded parts of us that hold our pain, fear, and unprocessed emotions.
    2. Managers – The parts that try to prevent us from feeling that old pain again by keeping life structured, predictable, and under control.
    3. Firefighters – The parts that react when we feel overwhelmed, often through intense emotional outbursts, dissociation, or numbing behaviors.

    IFS in Action: A Real-Life Example

    Let’s break this down using a real-world scenario:

    Trigger: A Proposed Change in House Plans

    Your partner says:
    \”Actually, I think we should change the layout of the living room.\”

    Your Internal Reaction:

    🚨 Instant emotional flood – You feel like the ground has been pulled from under you. A knot forms in your stomach, your heart races, and your body stiffens.

    You might respond in one of two ways:

    • Outwardly reacting (anger, control, shutting down the conversation)
    • Inwardly panicking (racing thoughts, an urge to shut down or leave the room)

    What’s Happening Internally?

    • Exile (The Wounded Child):
    • \”I had no control when we moved houses as a kid. No one asked me what I wanted.\”
    • \”It was scary and overwhelming, and I was expected to just go along with it.\”
    • \”No one cared about how I felt. I was powerless.\”
    • Manager (The Rigid, Controlling Part):
    • \”I MUST control everything so I never feel powerless again.\”
    • \”If I allow changes, I’ll lose control, and chaos will follow.\”
    • \”Keeping everything structured is the only way to feel safe.\”
    • Firefighter (The Panic & Overwhelm):
    • \”Too much! Too much! If I can’t control this, I’m going to break down.\”
    • \”I need to shut this conversation down or escape immediately.\”

    Each part is trying to protect you, but instead of helping, they create stress, anxiety, and conflict—both inside yourself and in your relationships.

    Healing the Pattern: A Step-by-Step IFS Process

    Step 1: Recognizing Your Manager (The Part That Seeks Control)

    Your Manager Part steps in whenever it senses unpredictability. It believes that the best way to stay safe is to control everything.

    What to do:

    • Instead of pushing this part away, get curious.
    • Ask it: \”What are you trying to protect me from?\”
    • Listen for the underlying fears—this part doesn’t want you to feel powerless again.
    • Thank it for its hard work:
    • \”I see you’re trying to keep me safe. You’ve done this for a long time, and I appreciate you.\”

    ✅ New Response:
    Instead of rejecting suggestions outright, try:
    \”I notice that change makes me uncomfortable. Can we take a minute to sit with this before making a decision?\”

    Step 2: Meeting the Exile (The Powerless Child) with Compassion

    Your Exile Part still holds onto the past pain of being unheard and having no control. That pain hasn’t been processed—so each new experience of change triggers old wounds.

    How to work with it:

    • Ask: \”How old does this part feel?\”
    • Imagine sitting with that child version of yourself.
    • Offer reassurance: \”You matter. Your feelings matter. You have choices now.\”

    ✅ New Response:
    Instead of panicking, practice grounding techniques:

    • Deep breathing
    • Placing a hand on your heart
    • Telling yourself: “I am safe. I have a say in my life now.”

    Step 3: Giving the Firefighter a Healthier Role

    Your Firefighter Part tries to shut down emotions with panic, anger, or avoidance. But what if it had a new, healthier job?

    Alternative ways to release stress:

    • Taking a short walk
    • Shaking out physical tension
    • Writing down three things you CAN control
    • Using a mantra: “I am adaptable. I can handle change.”

    ✅ New Response:
    Instead of spiraling into panic, say:
    \”I feel overwhelmed. Let’s pause and talk about this later when I’m calmer.\”

    From Powerlessness to Self-Leadership

    You can’t control everything, but you CAN control how you respond. By befriending your inner parts, you break free from the cycle of fear, rigidity, and panic.

    🌿 Next time a change feels overwhelming, pause. Listen to the part reacting, reassure it, and move forward with Self-leadership.

    📝 IFS Healing Worksheet: Releasing the Fear of Powerlessness

    Step 1: Identify the Trigger

    Describe a recent situation where you felt powerless or panicked over a small change.

    Example: “My boss changed the deadline, and I felt totally out of control.”

    Step 2: Identify the Parts

    Write what each part is saying:

    • Manager: \”If I don’t control everything, something bad will happen.\”
    • Exile: \”No one listens to me. I don’t matter.\”
    • Firefighter: \”I shut down or panic to escape the feeling.\”

    Step 3: Befriend Your Parts

    Write a compassionate response to each part.

    • To my Manager: \”I see you’re working hard to protect me. Thank you.\”
    • To my Exile: \”I hear you. You have choices now.\”
    • To my Firefighter: \”Let’s find a healthier way to handle this stress.\”

    Step 4: Take a New Action

    Choose one small action you can take next time.

    ✅ Example: “When a change comes up, I will pause and breathe before responding.”

    💬 Let’s Talk!

    Have you noticed this pattern in yourself? How do you react to unexpected changes? Share your thoughts in the comments below! ⬇️

    Explore further

    This is a short case study. If you’d like to dive deeper into the subject and really work on reparenting you exile, read: Why Do I Panic When Plans Change? An IFS Approach to Healing Control and Powerlessness

    You’d rather explore other topics? Here are some suggestions:

    Leaning into the Mother Archetype: Healing CEN and CPTSD Patterns of Avoidance

    Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child)

    Childhood Emotional Neglect and Conflict Resolution in Relationships: How the 5 Love Languages Can Help