Healing the Void: From CEN to Wholeness, A Psychological and Seasonal Journey

Tag: emotional regulation

  • Preventing Attachment Issues: Supporting Children of Fearful-Avoidant Parents (+free PDF)

    Introduction: The Pain of Seeing Harmful Parenting Patterns

    It’s one thing to read about attachment wounds in books. It’s another to witness them unfolding in real time, especially when a child’s emotional safety is at stake.

    Imagine this: You’re at a playground, and a toddler keeps looking back at his mother for reassurance. She responds by ignoring him, turning away, or even pushing him toward other children with an anxious “Go play! You’ll never make friends if you cling to me!” The child hesitates, his distress growing, and the mother sighs in frustration. Later, when he cries at bedtime, she insists he “self-soothe,” despite his escalating panic.

    If you’re healing from fearful-avoidant attachment yourself, seeing another parent unknowingly pass down the very patterns you’re working so hard to unlearn can be infuriating and heartbreaking. Your body may react with a surge of rage, grief, or helplessness—especially if you see clear signs that their child is developing the very attachment struggles they fear.

    But what can you actually do? How do you regulate your own emotions around this? And if you want to help, how do you communicate in a way that won’t make the other parent defensive?

    In this article, we’ll explore:

    • How to manage your own emotional response (so you don’t spiral into anger or despair)
    • Why fearful-avoidant parents unintentionally create what they fear most
    • Ways to gently open their perspective without triggering shame
    • The science of attachment and how to explain it simply
    • When to intervene—and when to accept that you can’t control everything

    Let’s start by understanding your own reaction first.

    Regulating Your Own Emotional Response

    Before addressing the other parent, it’s crucial to attune to your own nervous system. Witnessing attachment wounds in real time can activate deep emotional pain—especially if you were once that child, longing for attunement but met with distance or fear.

    Why This Hits So Hard: Your Body Remembers

    According to polyvagal theory (Porges, 2011), when we see a child in distress, our nervous system may automatically mirror that distress, especially if we’ve experienced similar pain. If we haven’t yet processed our own wounds, we might react from a fight response (anger, judgment, a strong urge to “rescue”) or a shutdown response (hopelessness, emotional numbness, or dissociation).

    This is not a sign that you’re overreacting—it’s a sign that your system is deeply empathetic and recognizing something familiar.

    How to Regulate in the Moment

    Instead of letting these emotions spiral, try:

    1. Pausing to Notice Your Reaction
      • Where do you feel this in your body?
      • Are you clenching your jaw? Feeling a pit in your stomach?
      • What does this reaction remind you of in your own past?
    2. Grounding Yourself Physically
      • Slow your breathing (inhale for 4 counts, exhale for 8).
      • If your hands are shaking, press them against a solid surface.
      • Feel your feet on the ground to reorient to the present.
    3. Using Self-Talk to Shift Perspective
      • Instead of: “This is unbearable! This poor child!” → Try: “This is painful to witness, but I can stay regulated and compassionate.”
      • Instead of: “This parent is ruining their child!” → Try: “They are repeating what they know, just as I once did.”
    4. Giving Yourself an Outlet
      • Later, journal about your feelings.
      • Voice-note a trusted friend who understands attachment healing.
      • If the feelings are intense, process them with an inner parts dialogue (IFS-style) or through somatic movement.

    Once you’re more grounded, you can assess whether and how to approach the other parent. But first, let’s unpack why fearful-avoidant parents often create what they fear most—and why shaming them will never work.

    Understanding the Fearful-Avoidant Parent: Why They Create What They Fear

    A parent with a fearful-avoidant attachment style often carries conflicting fears about connection. On one hand, they deeply fear being abandoned or unwanted. On the other, they feel overwhelmed by closeness and emotional dependency—which can make parenting especially triggering.

    What This Looks Like in Parenting

    Because they fear their child becoming too dependent or too anxious, they may:

    • Sleep train early and rigidly, fearing their child will become “too needy” if comforted at night.
    • Encourage independence too soon, pushing their toddler to interact socially before they’re ready.
    • Ignore clinginess or distress, hoping the child will “toughen up” instead of realizing this increases fear.
    • Struggle with emotional availability, becoming distant or inconsistent in moments of distress.

    Ironically, these very behaviors reinforce what they fear:

    • The child becomes more clingy because their emotional needs aren’t being met.
    • The child becomes more socially anxious because they aren’t given a secure base from which to explore.

    This parent is not acting out of malice—they are repeating what was done to them. They were likely given the message that needing comfort was weak or that being “too soft” would make them fail in the world. They may still believe that.

    How to Approach the Fearful-Avoidant Parent Without Making Them Defensive

    Fearful-avoidant individuals tend to shut down or lash out when they feel criticized. Directly telling them, “You’re making your child anxious” or “You’re damaging their attachment” is unlikely to go well. Instead, use strategies based on motivational interviewing, gentle curiosity, and offering safety rather than judgment.

    1. Start from Shared Concerns

    A great way to open dialogue is by mirroring their fears back to them—without blame.

    Instead of: “You’re making your child more fearful by pushing them.”
    Try: “I totally get why you want your child to be confident. It’s so hard to see them struggle socially.”

    Instead of: “Ignoring crying doesn’t teach independence.”
    Try: “I used to think that comforting too much would make kids more dependent, too. But I read something interesting about how secure attachment actually builds independence long-term.”

    By aligning with their desire for a strong, confident child, you reduce defensiveness.

    2. Share Small Insights, Not Big Corrections

    People are much more open to gentle shifts in perspective than being told they’re wrong. Instead of lecturing, share your own experiences or a small, digestible fact.

    Example 1: If they say, “I don’t want my child to be one of those kids who clings to their mom all the time.”
    You could respond: “It’s interesting—apparently, kids who get their emotional needs met early actually become more independent later. I thought it was the opposite for a long time.”

    Example 2: If they say, “I need my child to sleep alone. They’ll never learn if I keep coddling them.”
    You could say: “Yeah, sleep was such a struggle for us too. I came across something on how co-regulation at night actually strengthens nervous system resilience in the long run. I was surprised!”

    This plants a seed without confrontation.

    3. Acknowledge Their Own Pain

    Fearful-avoidant parents often parent from fear—but underneath that fear is pain. They weren’t emotionally supported as children. They had to self-soothe before they were developmentally ready. They might have been shamed for needing love.

    If you sense an opening, you can gently reflect this:

    • “It’s so hard when we didn’t get that kind of support ourselves.”
    • “I know for me, it felt scary at first to parent differently than how I was raised.”
    • “It’s tough when we’re just trying to do what we think is best, and there’s so much conflicting information out there.”

    This validates their inner wounds without blaming them.

    Once you’ve approached the conversation with warmth rather than judgment, they may be more open to gradual shifts in perspective. But ultimately, you can’t force someone to change—you can only offer gentle insights and let them process in their own time.

    Now, let’s explore how to support yourself emotionally when you feel powerless in these situations.

    Regulating Your Own Reactions: Managing Rage, Grief, and Helplessness

    Watching another parent unintentionally create the very fears they are trying to prevent can be deeply triggering—especially if you’re healing from a fearful-avoidant attachment style yourself. It can stir up rage, grief, and powerlessness:

    • Rage at the unfairness of it all—why must another child go through what you did?
    • Grief for your own childhood, seeing the same patterns play out in front of you.
    • Helplessness because no matter how much you want to intervene, you can’t force change.

    These emotions are valid. The key is learning how to hold them without letting them consume you.

    1. Recognizing Projection: Are You Seeing Your Own Past?

    One of the hardest truths in healing is that sometimes, we react not just to what’s happening—but to what it reminds us of.

    If another parent’s behavior sparks overwhelming emotion, ask yourself:

    • Am I reacting to their child’s suffering—or to my own unhealed pain?
    • Is this anger directed at them—or at the adults who failed me as a child?
    • Do I feel helpless now because I was helpless then?

    This doesn’t mean your feelings are wrong. But separating past pain from present reality can help you respond more intentionally, rather than being swallowed by emotion.

    2. Using Somatic Regulation to Move Through Big Emotions

    Since fearful-avoidant wounding is stored not just in thoughts but in the body, purely rationalizing won’t be enough. You need to physically discharge the overwhelming emotions.

    Try:

    • Shaking out the body (releases stored fight-or-flight energy)
    • Breathwork for nervous system regulation (slow exhale longer than inhale)
    • Holding your heart or self-soothing touch (signals safety)
    • Grounding techniques (barefoot walking, holding a weighted object)

    This keeps the anger and grief from becoming stuck in your body.

    3. Allowing Space for Grief Without Getting Stuck

    It’s okay to grieve the child you once were—the one who needed what this child needs now. Let yourself feel it. Write it out. Speak to your younger self.

    But don’t let grief turn into despair. Balance it with:

    • Hope—You are breaking the cycle in your own family.
    • Compassion—You are feeling this deeply because you care.
    • Perspective—Every child’s story is still being written. This moment isn’t the end.

    4. Choosing Your Battles: Not Every Situation Needs Your Intervention

    When you see a child suffering, your instinct may be to do something, say something, fix it.

    But ask yourself:

    • Would saying something actually help right now—or just make me feel better?
    • Is this a moment for education—or for acceptance?
    • Is my energy better spent on my own child, my own healing?

    You don’t have to carry every injustice. Pick what’s within your power, and release the rest.

    Helping Without Creating Conflict: How to Gently Support the Parent and Child

    Now that you’ve worked through your own emotional response, the next challenge is how to actually help—without triggering defensiveness in the other parent.

    This is delicate, because direct confrontation rarely works when a parent is unknowingly acting out of fear. Instead, we need an approach that fosters curiosity, safety, and gradual shifts in perspective.

    1. Understanding Why This Parent Is Acting This Way

    The mother you’re observing is not acting out of cruelty—but out of fear. She believes:

    • If she comforts her child too much, they’ll become overly dependent.
    • If she lets them sleep in her bed, they’ll never be independent.
    • If she lets them avoid social situations, they’ll always struggle socially.

    Ironically, her approach is creating the very fears she’s trying to prevent—but she doesn’t see it yet.

    This is classic fearful-avoidant parenting:

    • They fear their child’s dependency, so they push them away—making the child more anxious.
    • They fear their child’s social struggles, so they force interactions—making the child resist socializing.

    She is trying to raise a strong, independent child—but because she never learned secure attachment herself, she is going about it in a way that backfires.

    Understanding this helps you approach her with compassion, not judgment.

    2. The Art of Gentle Influence: “What If?” Instead of “You Should”

    People rarely change when they feel criticized. Instead of saying, “What you’re doing is harmful,” try planting seeds of curiosity.

    Some ways to do this:

    • Share a personal story.
      • Instead of saying, “You shouldn’t sleep train,” you might say,
        “I used to think responding at night would make my baby clingy, but I noticed that when I stopped resisting it, he actually became more independent.”
    • Ask a curiosity-provoking question.
      • “Have you ever noticed how [child’s name] gets extra clingy after being left alone? It’s interesting how some kids react that way.”
    • Make an observation instead of a judgment.
      • “It’s so tough when kids get scared of social situations. I read that sometimes pushing them actually increases their fear. It’s counterintuitive, isn’t it?”

    These small moments can spark internal reflection without triggering defensiveness.

    3. Strengthening the Child’s Resilience in Subtle Ways

    Even if you can’t change the parent, you can be a secure presence for the child.

    • Validate their emotions when they’re upset: “It’s okay to feel scared. You don’t have to rush.”
    • Give them space to initiate social interactions rather than forcing them.
    • Model warmth and responsiveness so they experience safety in another adult relationship.

    You may not be able to change their home environment—but every moment of attuned connection helps shape their nervous system.

    4. Accepting What’s Not in Your Control

    It’s painful to watch a child struggle in ways that could be prevented. But some things are beyond your power to fix.

    Instead of focusing on what you can’t change, ask:

    • What’s the best way I can support this child, even in small ways?
    • How can I model a secure presence, even if their parent doesn’t yet?
    • How can I release what I can’t control, without carrying resentment?

    Your calm, steady presence—both for yourself and for them—is more powerful than you think.

    Practical Exercises: Regulating Yourself, Engaging the Parent, and Supporting the Child

    Now that we’ve explored the psychology behind these dynamics, let’s turn theory into action. These practical exerciseswill help you:

    • Regulate your own emotional response.
    • Engage the parent in a way that fosters openness, not defensiveness.
    • Support the child in subtle but meaningful ways.

    1. Regulating Your Own Emotions: Self-Compassion & Releasing the Grip of Helplessness

    Watching a child struggle when you know things could be different is painful. Before you act, it’s crucial to process your own emotions first.

    Exercise: The “Compassionate Witness” Practice

    Goal: Acknowledge and release your frustration so it doesn’t fuel reactive behavior.

    1. Find a quiet space and take a few deep breaths.
    2. Imagine yourself observing this situation from a calm, compassionate perspective.
    3. Ask yourself:
      • What am I feeling right now? (Helplessness, frustration, grief, anger?)
      • Where do I feel this in my body?
      • If this emotion could speak, what would it say?
    4. Now, shift perspective:
      • Imagine an older, wiser version of yourself gently comforting the part of you that feels this pain.
      • Offer yourself words of understanding, e.g., “It’s hard to witness this. You care deeply, and that’s why this hurts.”
    5. Finally, take three slow breaths and release the emotional intensity, reminding yourself:
      • I don’t have to fix everything. Small acts of care make a difference.

    By acknowledging and releasing your own distress first, you can engage from a place of clarity rather than emotional reactivity.

    2. Engaging the Parent: Planting Seeds of Awareness

    Many parents in this situation are defensive—not because they don’t care, but because they’re afraid of “failing” as parents. Instead of confronting them directly, try curiosity-driven dialogue.

    Exercise: “The Gentle Mirror” Approach

    Goal: Help the parent notice the patterns without making them feel criticized.

    1. Observe the child’s behavior in a neutral moment.
      • Example: You see the child become extra clingy after being left alone.
    2. Mirror it back to the parent as an open-ended observation.
      • “I noticed [child’s name] gets extra attached after some alone time. It’s interesting how kids respond differently to that.”
    3. Leave space for the parent to respond.
      • If they engage, ask gentle follow-ups:
        • “Have you noticed that pattern too?”
        • “I read something fascinating about how independence develops differently than we expect—would you be interested?”
    4. If they shut down, back off—you’ve still planted a seed.

    By mirroring the child’s response in a neutral, non-judgmental way, you allow the parent to arrive at insights on their own—which is far more effective than direct correction.

    3. Supporting the Child: Creating Micro-Moments of Secure Attachment

    Even if you can’t change their home life, you can still provide a sense of safety and connection when you interact with them.

    Exercise: “Micro-Moments of Secure Attachment”

    Goal: Help the child experience small but meaningful moments of attunement.

    1. When the child is distressed, acknowledge their feelings rather than dismissing them.
      • Instead of “You’re fine, go play,” try “I see that you’re feeling unsure. You can take your time.”
    2. Allow them to warm up socially at their own pace.
      • Example: If they hesitate before joining a group, say “You can watch for a while, and when you’re ready, you can join.”
    3. Offer playful connection rather than pressure.
      • If they seem resistant to engaging with other kids, try joining them in play yourself first—this creates a bridge of safety.

    Every moment of attuned connection builds resilience in their nervous system, even if their home life isn’t ideal.

    Final Thoughts: Your Influence Is Greater Than You Think

    You may not be able to change this child’s home environment overnight, but your presence, compassion, and small interventions can make a real impact.

    Even if the parent never fully changes, even if the child’s attachment struggles persist—the safe, attuned interactions you offer them matter.

    Your role isn’t to control, fix, or force change. Your role is to be a steady, compassionate presence. That alone is powerful.

    Next Steps: A Free Guide for Navigating These Situations

    To help you feel more confident in these interactions, I’ve created a free downloadable guide:

    📌 “Supporting Secure Attachment Without Overstepping: A Practical Guide for Parents and Caregivers”

    Inside, you’ll find:
    ✅ Step-by-step scripts for engaging a parent without triggering defensiveness
    ✅ Practical exercises for regulating your own emotions when witnessing harmful dynamics
    ✅ A guide to recognizing the subtle signs of attachment distress
    ✅ Real-life case studies with solutions you can apply

    Download guide

    By equipping yourself with these tools, you can support children and parents alike with compassion, wisdom, and patience.

    Remember, every small, positive interaction counts towards creating a more secure and emotionally healthy future for the children in your life.

    References f:

    • Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
    • Ainsworth, M. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
    • Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. Delacorte Press.
    • Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.
    • Schore, A. N. (2001). The effects of early relational trauma on right brain development, affect regulation, and infant mental health. Infant Mental Health Journal, 22(1-2), 201-269.
    • Tronick, E. Z. (2007). The Neurobehavioral and Social-Emotional Development of Infants and Children. Norton.
    • Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1990). Procedures for identifying infants as disorganized/disoriented during the Ainsworth Strange Situation. In M. T. Greenberg, D. Cichetti, & E. M. Cummings (Eds.), Attachment in the preschool years: Theory, research, and intervention (pp. 121-160). University of Chicago Press.

  • Why Do I Panic When Plans Change? An IFS Approach to Healing Control and Powerlessness (+free PDF)

    You’ve carefully planned out every detail of an important project, trip, or even just your day. Then, suddenly—something changes. Your heart pounds, frustration rises, and you scramble to regain control. Maybe you shut down, lash out, or feel the urge to fix everything immediately. But why does something as simple as a shift in plans feel so deeply unsettling?

    Using Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we’ll explore how this reaction is often a sign of unhealed wounds from the past—and how to work with the parts of you that are trying to protect you from pain.

    Recognizing the Inner System at Play: A Real-Life Example

    Imagine this: You and your partner are in the middle of designing your dream home. You’ve put weeks into carefully planning every detail—where the windows will go, the materials you’ll use. Then, unexpectedly, your partner suggests a major change to the layout.

    Your reaction is immediate:

    • You feel tense, irritated, and overwhelmed.
    • You argue about why the original plan is better.
    • When they push back, your heart races, your chest tightens, and frustration turns into panic.
    • You become rigid and controlling, insisting that your way is best.

    It’s only later, when the emotions settle, that you realize your reaction felt much bigger than the situation warranted.

    What’s really happening? Let’s break it down using IFS.

    Understanding Your Internal System: Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters

    In IFS, we see the mind as made up of different \”parts\” that each have a role in protecting you from pain.

    1. The Exile (The Wounded Inner Child)
      • Core wound: A deep sense of powerlessness from childhood.
      • In this example: You were forced to move houses as a child. You had no say in the decision—where you lived, what furniture was taken, or how your space changed. You had to silently endure the loss, with no one helping you process it emotionally. This wounded, powerless part of you is now hidden deep inside—an Exile.
    2. The Manager (The Control-Seeker)
      • Core strategy: Prevent you from ever feeling powerless again.
      • In this example: As soon as your partner suggests a change, your Manager part jumps in: “We have to keep control! We must not let this happen again!” This part sees flexibility as dangerous because it reminds you of past helplessness.
    3. The Firefighter (The Panic Response)
      • Core strategy: Stop the overwhelming feelings—at any cost.
      • In this example: When your Manager’s attempts to control the situation don’t work, your Firefighter partactivates. This can look like:
        • A panic attack or intense frustration
        • Wanting to shut down or escape
        • Using distractions (e.g., suddenly scrolling your phone, drinking, binge-watching TV) to numb out

    Each of these parts is trying to protect you, but their methods often create distress instead.

    How to Begin Healing: Working with Your Parts

    The key to breaking this cycle is learning to turn inward with curiosity instead of reacting automatically. Here’s a step-by-step guide to working with your system in real time:

    Step 1: Pause and Name Your Parts

    When you feel that familiar tightness in your chest or urge to control, take a breath and ask yourself:

    • “Who is showing up right now? A controlling Manager? A panicked Firefighter?”
    • “What is this part afraid will happen if I don’t react this way?”

    By naming the part, you begin to unblend from it—which means you are no longer fully merged with it, but instead becoming an observer.

    Step 2: Validate and Soften Toward Your Parts

    Instead of fighting your reaction, thank your parts for their efforts:

    • “I see that my Manager is trying to keep me safe.”
    • “My Firefighter is panicking because it doesn’t want me to feel powerless.”

    This reduces inner resistance and makes healing possible.

    Step 3: Identify the Exile’s Original Wound

    Ask yourself:

    • “When was the first time I felt like this?”
    • “What was happening in my childhood when I felt powerless?”
    • “What did I need back then that I didn’t receive?”

    This allows you to recognize the childhood roots of your reactions.

    Somatic Practices: Releasing Control from the Body

    Since powerlessness is deeply felt in the nervous system, working with the body is crucial.

    1. Grounding Exercise: The 5-4-3-2-1 Method
      • When you feel panic rising, engage your senses:
        • 5 things you see
        • 4 things you touch
        • 3 things you hear
        • 2 things you smell
        • 1 thing you taste
      • This helps your brain shift from fear mode to the present moment.
    2. Anchoring Safety with Breathwork
      • Breathe in deeply for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 6 seconds.
      • As you exhale, repeat to yourself: “I am safe. I have a choice.”
    3. Self-Soothing Touch
      • Place your hand on your heart or stomach.
      • Say gently: “I’m here for you. I see you. You’re safe now.”

    Advanced IFS Techniques for Deep Healing

    Now that we’ve identified the parts at play—the Manager trying to control, the Firefighter panicking, and the Exile holding the original wound—let’s explore deeper healing techniques.

    These methods help you move beyond surface-level coping and transform your relationship with your inner system.

    1. The U-Turn: Turning Your Attention Inward

    When we feel triggered, we instinctively focus on external factors (“My partner is being unreasonable!”), but true healing requires a U-Turn:

    • Instead of blaming the situation, ask:
      • “What is this reaction showing me about myself?”
      • “Which part of me is most activated right now?”

    By shifting focus inward, we stop fighting reality and start healing the inner wounds that fuel our reactions.

    2. Direct Access: Talking to Your Parts with Compassion

    You can initiate healing without needing to access deep meditation by simply speaking to your parts directly.

    Try this script:

    1. To the Manager (control-seeker):
      • “I see how hard you’re working to keep me safe. Thank you.”
      • “What are you most afraid would happen if you let go of control?”
    2. To the Firefighter (panic response):
      • “I know you’re just trying to protect me from overwhelming feelings.”
      • “What do you need from me to feel safe without reacting so intensely?”
    3. To the Exile (wounded inner child):
      • “I see you. I remember how powerless you felt.”
      • “You are not alone anymore. I am here with you now.”

    The key is compassion and curiosity—never forcing a part to change before it feels safe.

    3. Reparenting the Exile: Giving Yourself What You Never Had

    The Exile holds a frozen memory of past pain. Healing happens when you (from your Self—your wise, centered core) offer it the love and support it never received.

    • Step into your adult Self and visualize sitting with your younger self.
    • Ask:
      • “What did you need back then that you didn’t get?”
      • “What words would have comforted you?”
    • Imagine giving your younger self exactly that—whether it’s validation, a hug, or a sense of choice.

    This process reshapes the nervous system and reduces automatic panic responses over time.

    How These Patterns Affect Relationships

    IFS isn’t just about self-awareness—it transforms how we relate to others.

    Without awareness, our parts hijack communication:

    • Manager-driven control: “We have to stick to the plan!”
    • Firefighter-driven avoidance: “I just need to get out of here.”
    • Exile-driven emotional outbursts: “You never listen to me!”

    With awareness, we can communicate from Self:

    • “When plans change suddenly, I feel overwhelmed. It reminds me of past situations where I had no choice. I need some time to process before responding.”

    This shift fosters connection instead of conflict.

    Recommended Books and Videos for Deeper Work

    Books:

    • \”No Bad Parts\” – Dr. Richard Schwartz (Founder of IFS)
    • \”The Body Keeps the Score\” – Dr. Bessel van der Kolk (Trauma’s impact on the nervous system)
    • \”Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents\” – Dr. Lindsay Gibson (Healing childhood wounds)

    Videos & YouTube Channels:

    • IFS Institute (Official IFS resources)
    • The Holistic Psychologist (Inner child healing & nervous system work)
    • Dr. Gabor Maté (Understanding trauma’s long-term impact)

    Free Downloadable Worksheet: Healing Control and Panic with IFS

    This free guide will help you work through control-based reactions using IFS. Take your time—true healing happens in small steps.

    Download now

    Final Thoughts: Moving from Panic to Peace

    Panic in response to change isn’t a flaw—it’s a survival strategy from your past. By turning inward with curiosity and compassion, you can heal the root wounds and free yourself from the cycle of control and fear.

    Now, I’d love to hear from you:

    • What parts of this article resonated with you?
    • Have you noticed similar patterns in yourself?

    Let’s open up the conversation in the comments!

    Explore further

    Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child)

    Tarot for Shadow Work? A Beginner’s Guide (Part 1 of 6)

    Why Stillness Feels Unsettling for the CEN Mother at the Playground—And How to Heal

    Why Inconsiderate People Trigger You More Than They “Should”—And How to Heal the Wound Beneath

  • When Change Feels Like a Threat: Healing Powerlessness with IFS

    Why Do Small Changes Trigger Big Reactions?

    Imagine this: You’ve meticulously planned your dream home. You’ve spent hours thinking through each design element, carefully choosing everything from the layout to the furniture placement. Then, out of nowhere, your partner or contractor suggests a change.

    \”Actually, maybe the kitchen should be in the other corner.\”

    It’s a small adjustment. No big deal, right? But inside, something shifts.

    Your chest tightens, frustration surges, and an almost irrational anger rises before you can stop it. Suddenly, you\’re arguing, feeling overwhelmed, or completely shutting down.

    Maybe you hear yourself saying:
    \”No, we agreed on this. Why are we changing things now?\”

    Or you go silent, but inside, the panic is real.

    If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. When you’ve experienced powerlessness in childhood, small changes can feel like enormous threats. Your body remembers past experiences when you had no control, and it reacts accordingly—even if the current situation is completely different.

    This is where Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy comes in. IFS helps us understand why certain parts of us react so intensely and how we can shift from rigid, fearful responses to a more flexible, self-led way of being.

    Why Do We React This Way? The Role of Our Internal Parts

    IFS teaches that we all have different parts inside us—subpersonalities that help us cope with past emotional pain. These parts fall into three main categories:

    1. Exiles – The deeply wounded parts of us that hold our pain, fear, and unprocessed emotions.
    2. Managers – The parts that try to prevent us from feeling that old pain again by keeping life structured, predictable, and under control.
    3. Firefighters – The parts that react when we feel overwhelmed, often through intense emotional outbursts, dissociation, or numbing behaviors.

    IFS in Action: A Real-Life Example

    Let’s break this down using a real-world scenario:

    Trigger: A Proposed Change in House Plans

    Your partner says:
    \”Actually, I think we should change the layout of the living room.\”

    Your Internal Reaction:

    🚨 Instant emotional flood – You feel like the ground has been pulled from under you. A knot forms in your stomach, your heart races, and your body stiffens.

    You might respond in one of two ways:

    • Outwardly reacting (anger, control, shutting down the conversation)
    • Inwardly panicking (racing thoughts, an urge to shut down or leave the room)

    What’s Happening Internally?

    • Exile (The Wounded Child):
    • \”I had no control when we moved houses as a kid. No one asked me what I wanted.\”
    • \”It was scary and overwhelming, and I was expected to just go along with it.\”
    • \”No one cared about how I felt. I was powerless.\”
    • Manager (The Rigid, Controlling Part):
    • \”I MUST control everything so I never feel powerless again.\”
    • \”If I allow changes, I’ll lose control, and chaos will follow.\”
    • \”Keeping everything structured is the only way to feel safe.\”
    • Firefighter (The Panic & Overwhelm):
    • \”Too much! Too much! If I can’t control this, I’m going to break down.\”
    • \”I need to shut this conversation down or escape immediately.\”

    Each part is trying to protect you, but instead of helping, they create stress, anxiety, and conflict—both inside yourself and in your relationships.

    Healing the Pattern: A Step-by-Step IFS Process

    Step 1: Recognizing Your Manager (The Part That Seeks Control)

    Your Manager Part steps in whenever it senses unpredictability. It believes that the best way to stay safe is to control everything.

    What to do:

    • Instead of pushing this part away, get curious.
    • Ask it: \”What are you trying to protect me from?\”
    • Listen for the underlying fears—this part doesn’t want you to feel powerless again.
    • Thank it for its hard work:
    • \”I see you’re trying to keep me safe. You’ve done this for a long time, and I appreciate you.\”

    ✅ New Response:
    Instead of rejecting suggestions outright, try:
    \”I notice that change makes me uncomfortable. Can we take a minute to sit with this before making a decision?\”

    Step 2: Meeting the Exile (The Powerless Child) with Compassion

    Your Exile Part still holds onto the past pain of being unheard and having no control. That pain hasn’t been processed—so each new experience of change triggers old wounds.

    How to work with it:

    • Ask: \”How old does this part feel?\”
    • Imagine sitting with that child version of yourself.
    • Offer reassurance: \”You matter. Your feelings matter. You have choices now.\”

    ✅ New Response:
    Instead of panicking, practice grounding techniques:

    • Deep breathing
    • Placing a hand on your heart
    • Telling yourself: “I am safe. I have a say in my life now.”

    Step 3: Giving the Firefighter a Healthier Role

    Your Firefighter Part tries to shut down emotions with panic, anger, or avoidance. But what if it had a new, healthier job?

    Alternative ways to release stress:

    • Taking a short walk
    • Shaking out physical tension
    • Writing down three things you CAN control
    • Using a mantra: “I am adaptable. I can handle change.”

    ✅ New Response:
    Instead of spiraling into panic, say:
    \”I feel overwhelmed. Let’s pause and talk about this later when I’m calmer.\”

    From Powerlessness to Self-Leadership

    You can’t control everything, but you CAN control how you respond. By befriending your inner parts, you break free from the cycle of fear, rigidity, and panic.

    🌿 Next time a change feels overwhelming, pause. Listen to the part reacting, reassure it, and move forward with Self-leadership.

    📝 IFS Healing Worksheet: Releasing the Fear of Powerlessness

    Step 1: Identify the Trigger

    Describe a recent situation where you felt powerless or panicked over a small change.

    Example: “My boss changed the deadline, and I felt totally out of control.”

    Step 2: Identify the Parts

    Write what each part is saying:

    • Manager: \”If I don’t control everything, something bad will happen.\”
    • Exile: \”No one listens to me. I don’t matter.\”
    • Firefighter: \”I shut down or panic to escape the feeling.\”

    Step 3: Befriend Your Parts

    Write a compassionate response to each part.

    • To my Manager: \”I see you’re working hard to protect me. Thank you.\”
    • To my Exile: \”I hear you. You have choices now.\”
    • To my Firefighter: \”Let’s find a healthier way to handle this stress.\”

    Step 4: Take a New Action

    Choose one small action you can take next time.

    ✅ Example: “When a change comes up, I will pause and breathe before responding.”

    💬 Let’s Talk!

    Have you noticed this pattern in yourself? How do you react to unexpected changes? Share your thoughts in the comments below! ⬇️

    Explore further

    This is a short case study. If you’d like to dive deeper into the subject and really work on reparenting you exile, read: Why Do I Panic When Plans Change? An IFS Approach to Healing Control and Powerlessness

    You’d rather explore other topics? Here are some suggestions:

    Leaning into the Mother Archetype: Healing CEN and CPTSD Patterns of Avoidance

    Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child)

    Childhood Emotional Neglect and Conflict Resolution in Relationships: How the 5 Love Languages Can Help

  • Why You Resist Sleep Even When Exhausted: The Hidden Emotional Roots of Insomnia

    Introduction: When Sleep Feels Like the Enemy

    You’re exhausted. Your eyes burn, your body feels heavy, and you know you need sleep. Yet, instead of crawling into bed, you:

    • Scroll endlessly on your phone, even though you don’t care about what you’re seeing.
    • Decide that now is the perfect time to start cleaning, organizing, or catching up on work.
    • Tell yourself just one more episode, one more chapter, one more minute—until you’ve lost another hour.
    • Sit in the quiet, staring at nothing, feeling like you need to do something before sleeping, but you’re not sure what.

    By morning, you regret it. But at night, you can’t help yourself.

    If this cycle feels familiar, you’re not lazy or undisciplined. There’s a deeper reason your mind resists sleep.

    This article explores:
    ✔ Why sleep resistance happens (especially for mothers & those with childhood emotional neglect).
    ✔ The unmet needs hidden beneath bedtime procrastination.
    ✔ How to gently shift this pattern—without forcing yourself into harsh discipline.

    The Hidden Emotional Reasons You Resist Sleep

    1. You Feel Like You Haven’t Truly Existed Today

    📖 The Need: Presence and acknowledgment.

    Does this sound familiar?

    • Your entire day was spent caring for others—children, a partner, work, obligations. But you barely felt present in it.
    • You didn’t have a single uninterrupted moment to do something just for yourself.
    • It’s like you ran through the day without actually experiencing it.
    • Now, at night, you don’t want to sleep because it feels like you never really lived today.

    Subconscious thought: I can’t let the day end until I’ve had a moment where I feel like a person, not just a function.

    🔹 How to Work With This:
    ✅ Sprinkle small “me-moments” throughout the day.

    • Instead of waiting until midnight to reclaim yourself, anchor yourself into the day with small but real moments:
    • Close your eyes and take one deep, slow breath while standing at the sink.
    • Step outside and feel the air on your skin for 10 seconds.
    • Sip a cup of tea without multitasking—just feeling the warmth in your hands.
    • Listen to a song that makes you feel something real.
    • Whisper to yourself: I am here.

    ✅ Try a 2-minute \”daily check-in\” ritual.

    • Instead of numbing out at night, sit for two minutes and ask: What was one tiny, beautiful thing about today?
    • It could be a child\’s giggle, a bite of food, a deep stretch, a moment of laughter.
    • Let it count. Let today feel real before you end it.

    2. You Need Autonomy in a Life of Obligation

    📖 The Need: A sense of control and freedom.

    If your days feel dictated by other people’s needs, sleep resistance can be an act of rebellion.

    • Maybe you’re a mother whose whole day is structured around nap schedules, meal prep, and responding to small voices calling “Mama!”
    • Maybe you work a job where you’re constantly putting out fires, answering emails, and being available.
    • Maybe you grew up in a household where your time and choices were never truly yours.

    By staying up, you’re claiming a tiny piece of autonomy.

    Subconscious thought: This is the one thing no one can take from me. I choose this time.

    🔹 How to Work With This:
    ✅ Reframe sleep as an empowered choice, not an obligation.

    • Instead of seeing rest as something being forced on you, reframe it as:
    • I choose to take care of myself.
    • I decide when I sleep—not exhaustion, not guilt, not habit.

    ✅ Create a tiny, intentional “autonomy ritual” at night.

    • Instead of scrolling numbly, do something small but deeply yours:
    • A warm drink in silence.
    • Writing one sentence in a journal.
    • A stretching movement that feels good.
    • Lighting a candle and watching the flame.

    Even 5 minutes of mindful autonomy is more fulfilling than 2 hours of scrolling.

    3. You Fear the Day Slipping Away Without Meaning

    📖 The Need: A sense of fulfillment.

    • Have you ever stayed up just to make the day feel less wasted?
    • You didn’t do anything big today—no progress on a passion, no deep conversations, just survival.
    • So you delay sleep, hoping to squeeze in something meaningful at the last minute.

    Subconscious thought: If I go to bed now, what did this day even mean?

    🔹 How to Work With This:
    ✅ Let small moments of meaning be enough.

    • A day doesn’t have to be “productive” to be meaningful.
    • Before bed, ask: What was one small thing that mattered today?
    • Say it out loud. Write it down. Let it count.

    ✅ Do a 5-minute “purpose moment” at night.

    • Read a paragraph from a book that inspires you.
    • Write down one kind thing you did today.
    • Look at the moon. Let it be enough.

    Science-Backed Solutions for Sleep Resistance

    🔬 1. The Psychology of \”Revenge Bedtime Procrastination\”

    • Studies show that people who feel a lack of control over their daytime schedules are more likely to delay sleep at night. (Kroese et al., 2014)

    🔬 2. How Suppressed Emotions Disrupt Sleep

    • Emotional suppression is linked to higher physiological arousal at night, making it harder to fall asleep. (Vandekerckhove & Cluydts, 2010)
    • Solution: Journaling before bed can help process emotions.

    🔬 3. The Role of Cortisol and Hyperarousal

    • Chronic stress keeps cortisol levels high at night, making rest difficult. (Buckley & Schatzberg, 2005)
    • Solution: Gentle nervous system regulation (slow breathing, rocking, warm baths).

    Final Words: Reclaiming Rest as Your Birthright

    • Sleep is not wasted time.
    • Rest does not erase your worth.
    • Going to bed doesn’t mean giving up on yourself. It means you trust yourself enough to continue tomorrow.

    Tonight, instead of forcing yourself to be productive, try this:
    ⭐ Breathe.
    ⭐ Name one thing that mattered today.
    ⭐ Whisper to yourself: I am allowed to rest.

    You are here. That is enough.

    Call to Action: Reclaim Rest & Heal from Within

    If it’s not evening yet and you\’re not ready to sleep, explore the deeper layers of your experience:

    📖 Motherhood as a Journey of Growth: Embracing the Transition from Maiden to Mother – Understand the emotional transformation of motherhood and how to reconnect with yourself.

    🔥 Mother Rage and the Hidden Wounds of Childhood Emotional Neglect: Understanding, Healing, and Finding Peace – Unmet needs often surface as anger. Learn how to process and release it in healthy ways.

    ❤️ Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child) – Break generational cycles and build secure connections with your child.

    Your healing matters. You are worthy of rest, renewal, and deep self-understanding.