Healing the Void: From CEN to Wholeness, A Psychological and Seasonal Journey

Tag: emotional healing

  • The Pressure to Succeed Quickly: Understanding and Easing the Creative Rush (+ Free Journal)

    A trauma-informed look at urgency, survival fears, and how to build your dream without burning out

    You finally have a moment — the kids are napping, or at preschool, or with their other parent. The house is quiet. This is the window you’ve been waiting for.

    And yet, instead of relief, your body tightens. Your mind whirs.
    Should I write? Should I set up Pinterest? Should I finish that course? Should I make something happen before life gets complicated again?

    Especially when a big life transition is looming — a move, job change, financial shift, children entering school — the sense of urgency to build something now can feel overwhelming. And it often comes during times when you’re least resourced — sleep-deprived, stretched thin, emotionally raw.

    This article is for you if you feel like you’re holding both desire and dread — the dream of creating a more flexible, meaningful life, and the exhausting pressure to make it real immediately.
    We’ll explore why this happens, where the urgency comes from, and how to meet it with awareness, not burnout.

    Let’s start at the root.

    1. The Scarcity Imprint: When “Just Enough” Feels Like “Never Safe”

    Deeper insight:
    Many of us carry an embodied memory of not having enough — whether it was food, money, attention, or emotional responsiveness. These early imprints often live on in the nervous system long after our outer circumstances have changed.

    So even if you’re currently safe and stable, the threat of future instability (like losing income or moving house) can activate a state of internal alarm. The subconscious thinks: “I must secure everything now, because soon I won’t be okay.”

    This is especially strong in those healing from Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) or attachment wounds — because your baseline might always have been not quite safe enough to fully rest.

    Added example:
    You may find yourself checking your bank balance obsessively, researching monetization ideas late at night, or making business decisions from fear instead of clarity — all signs your scarcity imprint is in the driver’s seat.

    Prompt:

    • What does “enough” feel like in my body? Have I ever felt it?
    • When did I first learn that I might be on my own if I don’t prepare?

    2. Control in Chaos: The Urge to Anchor Amid Change

    Deeper insight:
    In moments of transition — especially when you’re anticipating the unknown — we instinctively seek something we can shape. A new blog, a passion project, a freelance offering. Building something tangible gives a sense of personal agency in a season that feels otherwise unstable.

    Why this happens:
    In psychology, this is called “secondary control” — gaining emotional mastery by focusing on what we can change when we can’t change everything. It’s a survival strategy — and a brilliant one. But it can also become a trap when the drive to “control something” leads to overwork or perfectionism.

    Added example:
    You might pour yourself into a logo or brand name because it’s something you can finish and polish, even if deeper needs like sleep or grief are going unmet.

    Prompt:

    • What do I hope to feel once this project is complete? Safe? Seen? Chosen?

    3. Internalized Pressure: Earning the Right to Slow Down


    Most people — especially women and caregivers — are socialized to believe that rest must be earned through productivity. Add to that the guilt of not contributing financially, and it can feel like your very right to breathe is on trial.

    The psychology beneath:
    This is the internalized “protestant work ethic” and capitalist productivity culture — ideas that tell us:

    • Worth = output
    • Rest = indulgence
    • Financial contribution = permission to take up space

    Added example:
    Even while running a household, caring for children, and planning a move, you might hear the inner critic whisper: “That’s not real work. You need to prove your value.”

    Prompt:

    • Whose voice is this? Whose standards am I still trying to meet?
    • What would it mean to let myself matter even when I’m still?

    4. Fear of Losing Momentum: What if I Pause and Never Return?


    For creatives and deep thinkers, energy is often cyclical. But we’ve been taught to fear those cycles. The thought of pausing can feel like self-sabotage, especially if you’ve finally started something meaningful.

    What’s happening in the brain:
    When your nervous system is on high alert, your prefrontal cortex (long-term vision and logic) is suppressed, and your limbic system (emotion and survival) takes over. This is why it feels like:
    If I don’t do it now, I’ll lose the window. I’ll fail. I’ll be left behind.

    Added example:
    You start five tasks at once, open ten browser tabs, but can’t finish any. This isn’t laziness — it’s survival-mode energy trying to build safety through productivity, but without enough fuel.

    Prompt:

    • What part of me is afraid of stopping? What would help that part feel safe to rest?

    5. A Loving Offer to the Future: What Are You Really Trying to Give Yourself?


    At the heart of all this urgency is love. You want to give your future self more freedom, ease, purpose. That’s beautiful. But to truly offer her that life, you must build it from the very values you’re trying to claim — not from panic.


    You’re not trying to force an outcome. You’re planting something that will grow over time. If urgency drives the planting, burnout often drives the harvest.

    Prompt:

    • What do I want my life to feel like in a year? What’s one small step I can take today that feels aligned with that feeling — not just the goal?

    Grounded Practices to Soften Urgency and Build Steady Momentum

    Once you’ve explored the deeper emotional roots of urgency, the next step is learning how to respond differently—with kindness, structure, and a new rhythm. These practices are designed to help you stay connected to your long-term vision while protecting your nervous system and relationships in the process.

    1. Create “Safety Rituals” Before Working Instead of diving into work from a place of adrenaline or guilt, try a 2-minute grounding ritual. Breathe deeply. Light a candle. Touch something real—wood, stone, water. Tell yourself, “I can move slowly and still be powerful.”

    2. Use Micro-Timers, Not To-Do Lists
    Urgency thrives in vagueness. Instead of a mountain of “shoulds,” try setting a micro-timer: 15 minutes for a specific task (e.g., write one paragraph, set up one pin). It gives structure without overwhelm—and teaches your brain that small effort counts.

    3. Practice “Somatic Pausing” When You Feel the Push
    When urgency spikes, pause and ask:

    • What does my body feel like right now?
    • What emotion is beneath this push?
    • What would feel good instead of productive right now?

    Let yourself orient to comfort, not just achievement.

    4. Weekly “Enough List” Practice
    Each Sunday or Monday, write down what’s truly enough for the week—realistically. It might be: 1 article, 1 Pinterest pin, 2 hours of research. Then treat it like a sacred agreement with yourself. Less is often more when done with presence.

    5. Anchor to Purpose, Not Panic
    Return to why you started. Keep your “North Star” visible somewhere: a quote, an intention, a person you want to help. When urgency arises, ask: “Will this action nourish my long-term mission, or just my fear?”

    “What If I Never Make Money?” — Naming the Fear of Futility

    There’s a quiet, aching fear that often lives under the surface of creative work—especially when it’s born out of personal healing:
    What if I pour myself into this, and it never works? What if no one comes? What if the money doesn’t follow?

    This fear isn’t just about income. It’s about meaning. It’s about validation, safety, and finally being seen. And if you come from a background of emotional neglect, the stakes feel even higher—because you may have spent years giving without being acknowledged, striving without ever quite receiving.

    This fear can manifest as:

    • Procrastination masked as perfectionism
    • Overworking until burnout, then freezing
    • Scanning stats, refreshing numbers, feeling crushed by silence

    Try This: Naming the “What If” Voice

    Take 5 minutes to free-write in your journal:

    • What do I fear will happen if I never earn money from this?
    • What would that say about me, my worth, or my story?
    • What is the part of me trying to protect by asking, “What if it never works?”

    You may find grief, anger, or even shame under this question. That’s okay—it means you’re close to something real.

    A Gentle Reframe: Value Is Not Linear

    Not everything that’s valuable earns money. And not everything that earns money is valuable.
    Sometimes, healing work takes longer to bloom—and the inner shifts it creates are the real foundation for outer change.

    You are building something more than a brand. You are learning to listen to yourself, to show up, to tell the truth.

    That’s not futile. That’s sacred.

    Creating a Trauma-Informed Rhythm for Your Project

    When you’re healing while creating—and especially if you’re recovering from emotional neglect—the way you build matters just as much as what you build. Hustling in a trauma-driven way can recreate the same disconnection and overwhelm you’re trying to heal from.

    A trauma-informed rhythm means you approach your business not as a machine, but as a living system. One that honors your capacity, your cycles, and your humanity.

    Why This Matters

    If you were raised in an environment that ignored your needs or expected you to perform for love, you may feel pressure to:

    • Be productive at all costs
    • Ignore exhaustion or overstimulation
    • Compare your journey constantly to others
    • Push through burnout with guilt and shame

    But true sustainability comes from pacing yourself in a way your nervous system can actually handle.

    Try This: Nervous System Check-In Before Work

    Before you write, post, or plan, pause for 1–2 minutes and ask:

    • Where am I in my nervous system right now—fight, flight, freeze, fawn, or calm?
    • What does my body need to feel safe enough to create?
    • Can I offer myself 5 minutes of grounding before I start?

    Over time, this builds the muscle of self-attunement—something you may never have been taught, but can now practice gently.

    Rhythmic Ideas for a Regulated Business

    • Create in cycles: Some weeks you write. Some weeks you rest. Some weeks are backend work only.
    • Honor your seasons: Your blog might bloom more in winter, or need rest in summer. Trust that.
    • Use timers or containers: A focused 45 minutes can be safer than an endless open-ended work session.
    • Let it be enough: One blog post. One pin. One email. Small steps, deeply done.

    When your business rhythm is trauma-informed, it doesn’t drain you—it becomes part of your healing. You are not behind. You’re just learning to move in a new, kinder way.

    A Timeline Rooted in Reality and Compassion

    When the pressure builds—“I have to make it work this year,” “What if I lose momentum?”—it can help to remember: the urgency you feel might not be about the project itself.

    It might come from the years of being unseen, the grief of missed opportunities, or the desire to finally be in control of your life. And while all of that is real and valid, your timeline doesn’t need to match your emotional urgency.

    Why We Rush

    People with a history of Childhood Emotional Neglect often internalize messages like:

    • “You’re behind.”
    • “Your needs don’t matter.”
    • “Success must be earned by overdoing.”

    These beliefs can turn a gentle idea (like a blog) into a frantic attempt to prove your worth. Especially when finances are tight or big life changes loom.

    But you are not a failure if it takes a year to gain traction. You are healing while building—and that is profound.

    Reframe the Timeline

    Try this:
    Instead of asking, “How fast can I grow?” ask,

    • “What would a sustainable rhythm look like if I were already safe?”
    • “What support or structure would help me stay connected to myself as I grow?”

    This might look like:

    • One post a week (or every two weeks)
    • Time blocks that fit your energy, not someone else’s formula
    • Seasons of focus and seasons of stillness

    You can build something beautiful without rushing. You can grow without burning out.

    Slow Is Not Stuck — The Hidden Wisdom of Pausing

    In a world that worships hustle, slowness can feel like failure. But in reality, slowing down is often the wisest, most strategic move you can make—especially when you’re creating something deeply personal.

    The False Urgency Trap

    When you’re sleep-deprived, emotionally stretched, or adjusting to life changes like motherhood or relocation, your nervous system may interpret slowness as danger. You might hear thoughts like:

    • “If I pause now, I’ll lose my chance.”
    • “Everyone else is moving forward. I’m being lazy.”
    • “I’ll never get this time back.”

    But that’s not truth—it’s trauma talking.

    Slowness as a Somatic Signal

    Slowness can be a sign that your body is asking for integration.

    It might be asking you to:

    • Digest recent growth
    • Restore depleted energy
    • Reconnect to your original why
    • Realign your project with your deeper values

    This isn’t being stuck. This is becoming deeply rooted so your work can bear fruit for the long term.

    Micro-Practices for Trusting the Pause

    • Name It Aloud: “I am choosing to slow down to honor my energy.”
    • Nature Reflection: Spend 10 minutes watching something that grows slowly—clouds, trees, streams. Let that rhythm remind your body of what real growth looks like.
    • Anchor a Phrase: Try one like, “Slow is sustainable. Pause is power.”

    Letting Growth Emerge from Wholeness

    When urgency softens, something else becomes possible: a vision not driven by fear or scarcity, but by clarity, creativity, and wholeness.

    What If You Didn’t Have to Rush?

    Imagine building your blog, your income stream, or your next chapter not from a place of desperation—but from grounded knowing:

    • I don’t need to prove my worth through productivity.
    • I’m allowed to earn in ways that align with my values.
    • I can grow at the pace of my nervous system, my family, and the seasons.

    This isn’t a lesser version of success. It’s a sustainable one.

    Letting Wholeness Lead

    Rather than sprinting toward a future you don’t yet fully understand, allow space for the vision to evolve. This might look like:

    • Returning to your core “why” before saying yes to the next step.
    • Aligning your offers, writing, and rhythms with your own healing journey.
    • Noticing how your nervous system responds to each task: expansion or contraction?

    You’re not behind. You’re becoming.

    A Gentle Invitation as You Pause

    If this article resonated with you — if you’ve felt the weight of urgency pressing against exhaustion, the desire to build something meaningful while holding your own inner world with care — you’re not alone. These patterns often run deeper than we realize, but they can soften with awareness, community, and a little structure.

    To support your journey, I’ve created a free guided journal:
    Slowing the Urgency: A Journal for the Overwhelmed Dreamer — full of gentle prompts to help you understand what drives the urgency and what’s truly needed instead.

    Download now

    If you found this article helpful, consider sharing it with a friend who might also be pushing themselves too hard. And if you feel called, I’d love to hear your reflections in the comments below — your story might support someone else who is navigating the same season.

    Let’s heal the urgency together.

    Explore further:

    Why Am I Sabotaging My Stable Job While Overworking on My Side Hustle? Understanding Shadow Motivations & Finding Balance (+free PDF)

    The Grief Beneath the Anger: How Restlessness, Somatic Healing, and Nature Lead Us Home (+free PDF)

    The Heroine’s Journey Through Motherhood: A Path of Healing for Emotionally Neglected Daughters

    Tarot for Shadow Work: The Minor Arcana as a Mirror for Everyday Struggles (Part 3 of 6) + free PDF

  • When a Friend’s Submissiveness Triggers You: What’s Really Going On?

    Some triggers come unexpectedly.

    You’re chatting with a friend—maybe over coffee, maybe during a walk—and she tells you her husband won’t “allow” her to hire a doula for her upcoming birth because he doesn’t want to pay for it. She shrugs and says, “I can’t change his mind.”

    Later, she casually mentions canceling a short trip she was looking forward to—just an hour-long drive—because he said it was unnecessary. Or she talks about how he decides what groceries she’s allowed to buy, insisting they don’t need (or deserve) anything more expensive or special.

    Your body tightens. You feel a flare of protectiveness, frustration, maybe even judgment. And then confusion rolls in: Why am I reacting so strongly? Especially when my own life is different?

    This discomfort is not random—it’s a signal. Often, when we’re emotionally activated by someone else’s dynamic, especially a woman’s self-silencing or submission, it touches something raw inside us: an echo of our past, a grief we carry, or a fear we haven’t fully named.

    Let’s unpack what might be happening beneath the surface—and how to respond with wisdom, clarity, and compassion.

    A Mirror of the Past: The Younger You Who Stayed Silent

    You\’re listening to your friend talk about her life—how her husband didn’t let her hire a doula because he didn’t want to pay for it. She says it lightly, brushes it off, but you feel the tension creeping up your spine. You’re surprised by how strongly you react. It feels personal.

    That’s because it is.

    Your body doesn’t lie. It remembers what your mind may have tucked away. Somewhere, in your own history, you were the one who stayed quiet. Who didn’t ask for help. Who convinced yourself it wasn’t that bad. You might have learned early on that needing things made you inconvenient. That speaking up made you difficult. That silence was safer.

    This trigger is not about her choices—it’s about what her choices awaken in you.

    She becomes a mirror. And what you see reflected isn’t weakness—it’s you, back when you didn’t yet know how to fight for yourself.

    Maybe it was when you deferred to someone else’s opinion about your body or your plans. Maybe you wanted to study something, go somewhere, ask for support—and someone said “no,” and you said nothing back.

    You survived by adapting. By shrinking. By rationalizing.
    And now, years later, your body recognizes the familiar pattern in her story—and it stirs something deep.

    Why This Hurts So Much

    When your friend acts like she doesn’t mind the restriction, it can feel like betrayal—because it reminds you of the times you convinced yourself that you didn’t mind either. It’s hard to witness someone else abandon their needs without reliving the ache of your own self-abandonment.

    Psychological research in trauma and attachment theory explains this through the lens of “inner parts.” According to Internal Family Systems (IFS), we all carry younger “parts” of ourselves inside. These parts hold unresolved pain. When a present situation resembles the past—even subtly—it can activate those inner parts as if the threat is happening now.

    This is not regression. It’s your system doing its best to protect you.

    What You Can Do With This Awareness

    1. Acknowledge the Younger You Without Shame

    Place your hand over your chest or abdomen—wherever you feel the most activation. Say silently or aloud:

    “This feeling makes sense. I know this place. I remember what it was like to not feel like I had a voice. I’m not there anymore—but I carry her with me.”

    This can begin to de-shame the reaction and create space to respond with curiosity instead of judgment.

    2. Name the Specific Pattern That’s Being Triggered

    What belief or story is being awakened? Try writing freely in response to these:

    • “I feel helpless when…”
    • “It reminds me of the time when…”
    • “The part of me that stayed quiet still believes…”

    This helps shift your reaction from overwhelm to insight.

    3. Offer the Younger You What She Didn’t Get

    What did that younger version of you need back then? A safe person to validate her? Someone to say, “You have the right to ask for more”? A calm, grounded adult to model a different way?

    Create that now. Speak it, journal it, or even write a letter to her. Here’s a prompt:

    “Dear younger me,
    I’m sorry no one stood up for you. I’m sorry you had to figure out how to make yourself small to stay safe. You never deserved to be ignored. I’m listening now. And I won’t silence you again.”

    4. Use the Trigger as a Call to Protect Your Voice

    A beautiful reframe is this: The pain is not proof of failure—it’s proof of healing. You recognize the wound because you’re no longer trapped inside it.

    Ask yourself:

    • Is there a current situation in my life where I’m dimming my needs?
    • What conversation have I been avoiding?
    • Where might I still be choosing comfort over self-respect?

    Let your friend’s story awaken not just grief, but action.

    You’re not overreacting. You’re remembering. And in remembering, you reclaim the parts of you that once had to be quiet. That’s what deep healing is made of—not just insight, but integration.

    You’re Carrying Grief for Collective Womanhood

    The heaviness you feel may not be entirely yours.

    You hear your friend say, “It’s fine—we don’t need a doula. He thinks it’s a waste of money.” Or, “He says we shouldn’t buy more expensive food. We don’t need organic.” And while she smiles or shrugs, something in you aches. Not just with frustration, but with sorrow. A sorrow that feels… larger than personal.

    This is the grief of collective womanhood.
    Of centuries of women being told they don’t get to choose what they need. Of voices silenced softly, through love or logic. Of women who wanted more but were told, “This is enough for you.”

    You’re not just reacting to your friend’s situation. You’re feeling the resonance of a lineage. The sorrow of mothers and grandmothers and women before you who yielded, surrendered, stayed small to stay safe, and had no space to even name what was lost.

    Why We Carry More Than Our Own Stories

    According to epigenetic research, trauma isn’t only stored in our minds—it can be passed down biologically. Studies, including those conducted by Rachel Yehuda and others in intergenerational trauma, show that the emotional wounds of previous generations can echo through the nervous systems of their descendants.

    So when you feel a disproportionate grief, a deep ache over something seemingly small—it might not be your overreaction. It might be your body remembering something older than you.

    It’s not uncommon for emotionally attuned women to act as “grief-bearers” for systems, families, and even generations. Especially for those who are cycle-breakers, the first to speak up, to ask for more, to parent differently—the weight can feel immense.

    How This Shows Up in Daily Life

    It might feel like:

    • Feeling inexplicably devastated when a woman says “I’m used to not asking for help.”
    • Crying during movies or books when women are denied agency, even if the scene isn’t dramatic.
    • Getting overwhelmed with anger or protectiveness when a mother downplays her own needs “for the sake of the family.”
    • Feeling exhausted by the “small” sacrifices women are expected to make—what to eat, what to wear, what to dream.

    You’re not broken. You’re awake.

    How to Tend to This Collective Grief

    1. Let Yourself Feel It Without Needing to Fix It

    The pain has wisdom. Sit with it. Light a candle. Place your hands on your heart. Say:

    “This grief is sacred. I carry it because I remember what others couldn’t speak. I don’t need to justify it. I only need to witness it.”

    Letting yourself feel is part of breaking the silence.

    2. Connect with Matrilineal Memory

    Take a moment to reflect:

    • How did the women in my family speak about their needs?
    • Did they feel worthy of care, rest, softness?
    • What patterns am I still unconsciously living out?

    You might write down what each maternal figure would say if you asked her, “What did you give up to keep the peace?”

    You may be surprised by what emerges.

    3. Create Rituals to Release What Isn’t Yours

    You don’t have to carry all of it forever. Try this ritual:

    • Write a list of the inherited messages you’re ready to let go of (e.g., “My needs are a burden,” “Good women don’t ask for more,” “Sacrifice is love”).
    • Burn or bury the list with intention, saying:

    “This ends with me. I honor you, but I return what is not mine to carry.”

    Ritual helps mark internal transitions. It makes the invisible visible.

    4. Be the Woman Who Chooses Differently

    Your grief has a purpose: it can guide you toward a new legacy.

    • Choose the doula.
    • Buy the good bread.
    • Ask for the support.
    • Say no to the thing that feels wrong, even if it makes others uncomfortable.

    You are not selfish—you are rebalancing something ancient.

    This is not just your pain. It is your power.
    Grief is not a weakness; it’s the doorway to transformation. Every time you feel it, you are connecting with a deeper river—one that flows through generations. And every time you make a different choice, you help shift its course.

    The Fear That This Could Happen to You, Too

    Even if your own relationship is healthy and affirming, your friend’s situation can activate a deep, primal fear:

    “Could I end up like that too?”

    This reaction often comes with a rush of unease, a tightening in the chest, a subtle panic that whispers,

    “What if everything I’ve built is fragile? What if empowerment can be taken from me, without me even noticing?”

    This isn’t paranoia. It’s your nervous system responding to a perceived threat: not of violence, but of erosion—the slow, quiet loss of voice, choice, and self. And that kind of loss can feel just as terrifying.

    Why the Fear Runs So Deep

    When you witness your friend giving up her voice over and over—letting her partner make all the choices about her body, her birth, her food—it can feel like watching a version of yourself slipping away.

    You may think:

    • “I’ve worked so hard to reclaim my voice… could I lose it again?”
    • “How did she get here? Could it happen to me without realizing it?”
    • “What if I’m not as free as I think I am?”

    These fears are natural when you’re healing from past disempowerment—whether that’s childhood emotional neglect, a controlling relationship, or simply years of internalized “good girl” conditioning.

    Even after you’ve reclaimed your agency, the fear of regression can linger. Especially if you see how easily someone else—someone smart, loving, and capable—can find herself in a dynamic that looks like surrender.

    The Protector Part That’s Trying to Keep You Safe

    Inside you, a protector part may leap into action. This part says:

    “We can’t let this happen to us. Stay alert. Don’t trust too easily. Watch everyone. Don’t relax.”

    It might feel like vigilance. Control. Hyper-independence. It’s trying to keep you safe—but it also keeps you from settling into the very empowerment you’ve worked so hard to build.

    This internal protector formed for a reason. Maybe you once were silenced, manipulated, overruled. And maybe no one noticed. So now, when you witness someone else going through it, this part goes on red alert.

    How to Support the Protector—and Yourself

    1. Name the Fear Clearly

    Say it out loud or write it down:

    “I’m afraid that I’ll lose my voice again without noticing.”
    “I’m afraid that my autonomy is conditional.”
    “I’m afraid that my safety is an illusion.”

    Naming the fear reduces its grip. It brings you back to conscious awareness instead of unconscious reaction.

    2. Reality-Check the Present

    Ask yourself:

    • Is my current partner or support system inviting my voice—or subtly suppressing it?
    • Do I feel free to say no, to ask for what I need, to change my mind?
    • Am I allowed to evolve?

    If the answer is yes, remind your inner protector of that. It may be stuck in the past, even if your present is different.

    3. Reinforce Empowerment Daily

    Think of agency like a muscle—it strengthens through use. Try:

    • Saying “no” even to small things when it protects your integrity.
    • Making micro-decisions each day that affirm your preferences.
    • Asking for what you need—even if it feels indulgent or unnecessary.

    Each act of self-honoring builds your sense of safety in your own power.

    4. Create a “Voice-Check” Ritual

    Once a week, ask yourself:

    “Where did I silence myself this week?”
    “Where did I speak my truth?”
    “Where do I need to reclaim my voice—gently, but firmly?”

    This keeps you connected to your truth before the erosion can begin.

    The truth is:
    Your reaction isn’t just about her. It’s about how close any woman can be to slipping into silence—especially in love, especially in motherhood, especially when survival depends on keeping the peace.

    This fear doesn’t mean you’re in danger. It means you’re aware. And from awareness, you can choose.

    Your Inner Advocate Is Screaming—and Powerless

    You’ve worked hard to reclaim your voice.

    You left an emotionally abusive relationship—one where your needs were likely minimized, your instincts doubted, your desires dismissed. That took courage, clarity, and resilience. You now live with a partner who respects your autonomy. But still, when you see a friend constantly surrender her voice—when her husband decides she can’t have a doula, refuses to take a short trip she wanted, dictates what groceries she’s “allowed” to buy—you may feel something visceral ignite inside you.

    It’s your inner advocate. And she’s screaming.

    What the Advocate Is Really Saying

    That voice inside isn’t just frustration—it’s a fire lit by love, grief, and deep knowing. It might sound like:

    • “You don’t have to live like this.”
    • “You deserve to be heard.”
    • “This is exactly how it starts—please, please don’t stay silent.”
    • “You are worth more than someone else’s comfort.”

    But it’s not only what she’s saying—it’s how it feels when you can’t say it out loud. Or when you do, and it lands in silence. You’re left with the heartbreak of watching someone abandon themselves the way you once had to—and the pain of knowing you can’t do it for them.

    It feels unbearable. Because you’ve been there. You know what it costs.

    Why It Feels So Personal

    The pain isn’t just empathy—it’s cellular memory. Your body remembers what it was like to walk on eggshells. To justify every need. To shrink yourself just to be safe. And it remembers how long it took to unlearn those patterns, how much was lost along the way.

    So now, when you see your friend quietly acquiescing—when she defends her partner’s control as “practical” or “normal”—your inner advocate flares up. Not just for her, but for the younger you who once didn’t know she could choose something better.

    It’s not judgment. It’s grief. It’s love. It’s trauma-informed compassion trying to find a voice.

    What to Do When Your Advocate Feels Powerless

    1. Let Her Speak—Safely

    Instead of bottling it up or spilling it out in a way your friend can’t receive, give your inner advocate a safe place to express herself.

    Try this: Write an unsent letter. Begin with:

    “I wish I could tell you…”
    Let yourself say everything. Don’t hold back. This isn’t about changing your friend—it’s about honoring your own fire.

    2. Channel Her Energy into Creation, Not Control

    You can’t save your friend—but you can let your voice shape your world. Consider:

    • Writing publicly about emotional agency.
    • Supporting women’s empowerment in your work or community.
    • Mentoring others who are earlier in their healing journey.

    When your advocate feels she has a place to express her truth, she won’t need to shout inside your body.

    3. Give Her Compassion, Not Just Purpose

    Your advocate has carried so much. She’s been on high alert for years. You don’t need to silence her—but you can soothe her.

    Try saying inwardly:

    “Thank you for protecting me. You saw things clearly before I did. You helped me leave. You helped me live. I see you now. You don’t have to fight alone anymore.”

    This simple acknowledgment can calm the nervous system and re-center your energy in the present.

    4. Know When—and How—to Speak Up

    Sometimes the inner advocate wants to say something out loud. If your relationship with your friend allows, and if it feels safe, you might gently offer:

    • “Can I share something I’m noticing, not to judge, but because I care about you deeply?”
    • “Do you feel like your voice matters at home?”
    • “How do you feel about not having a doula this time?”

    The goal isn’t to rescue her. It’s to offer her a mirror she may not have access to otherwise—without shaming or pushing.

    When Advocacy Meets Powerlessness

    Perhaps the most painful part is knowing that someone you love may not be ready to see or change. And yet, witnessing it still burns.

    Let yourself hold both truths:

    • That you see clearly what’s happening.
    • That you cannot make her see it before she’s ready.

    This is the ache of awakening. But you’re not powerless. You are a voice now. A lighthouse. A living example that it’s possible to come home to yourself.

    How to Tend to the Trigger Without Judging Her or Yourself

    You’re triggered. And not by something obviously cruel or extreme—but by your friend’s quiet acquiescence, her repeated silencing of herself. You feel tight in your chest. Frustrated. Protective. Maybe even a little unkind inside. But under it all? You also feel helpless. Confused. Torn.

    That mix of anger and heartbreak is the hallmark of a deep, relational trigger. And here’s the most healing truth:

    You can honor the part of you that’s hurting without making her wrong. You can hold compassion for both of you at once.

    Here’s how.

    1. Name the Feeling Without Blame

    The first step is to turn your attention inward and name what’s happening, instead of immediately fixing, analyzing, or judging.

    You might say to yourself:

    • “Something in me is flaring up right now. It feels protective.”
    • “This is touching something really deep from my past.”
    • “I feel powerless—and that makes me angry.”

    Naming it creates space between you and the intensity. It helps you realize: this isn’t all of me—it’s a part of me that’s hurting. That part may be young, fierce, or traumatized. But you, the adult self, can hold her with love.

    You can even gently place a hand on your body and say:

    “I hear you. I see why this hurts. You’re not alone.”

    2. Ground Yourself in the Present Reality

    When emotional flashbacks are activated, your nervous system can slip into the past—into fight, flight, or freeze. Your body might feel like you are the one being controlled, silenced, or dismissed.

    To ground yourself, try:

    • Orienting your senses: Look around the room and name 5 things you see, 4 you can touch, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste.
    • Saying aloud: “That was then, this is now. I am safe now. I have a voice. I have choice.”
    • Touching safety: Wrap yourself in a blanket, touch something warm, or hold a grounding object.

    These small acts remind your body that the danger isn’t yours this time—and you don’t have to respond as if it were.

    3. Remember the Multiplicity in Every Woman

    We often reduce others to what we see most clearly in the moment. But your friend is not just the part of her that defers. She is also the part of her that dreams. That aches. That wants more, even if she doesn’t know how to name it yet.

    It can help to pause and remember:

    • She may be surviving in the only way she knows.
    • Her yielding doesn’t mean she’s weak—it might mean she’s tired, scared, or carrying beliefs she hasn’t yet questioned.
    • Growth isn’t linear. And readiness comes in layers.

    This doesn’t mean excusing harmful patterns—but it does mean staying open to the fuller picture. Especially if you want to remain in connection.

    4. Be Curious, Not Prescriptive

    If you feel moved to say something, remember: advice can land as criticism when someone is not ready to hear it. Curiosity, on the other hand, can create openings without defense.

    Try asking:

    • “Do you ever feel like your voice gets lost in your relationship?”
    • “How did you feel when the trip got canceled?”
    • “What would you choose if it were completely up to you?”

    These kinds of questions:

    • Invite her to reflect without pressure.
    • Plant seeds that might grow later.
    • Respect her pace and autonomy.

    Your job is not to pull her out. Your job is to gently hold a light, and trust that if she wants to see, she will.

    5. Support Yourself with Boundaries and Care

    There’s a difference between compassion and emotional entanglement.

    If witnessing her dynamic consistently floods you—if it revives old trauma or destabilizes your peace—it’s okay to step back without abandoning her.

    This might look like:

    • Limiting certain conversations.
    • Choosing not to be present for moments where her self-silencing is most intense.
    • Taking space when needed and returning when you feel steady.

    And most importantly:

    Let go of the idea that you are responsible for her awakening.

    You are not the fixer. You are a witness, a friend, and a human being with your own healing journey to protect.

    6. Offer Yourself the Very Care You Wish She Would Receive

    This is where the alchemy happens. You’ve seen what self-abandonment looks like. You know what it feels like. So instead of only trying to rescue her, rescue yourself.

    • If you wish someone would affirm her voice, affirm your own.
    • If you wish someone would offer her support, offer it to the younger you who never got it.
    • If you long for her to choose herself, choose yourself, right now—in this very moment.

    Let her situation remind you of your own sacred commitment to stay true to yourself.

    Let the Trigger Be a Guide

    Not all pain is a sign that something’s wrong. Sometimes, pain is a portal. And when you’re triggered by your friend’s submission—by the quiet ways she seems to vanish inside her relationship—your system isn’t just reacting. It’s revealing something that still matters deeply to you.

    That’s sacred information.

    This isn’t about fixing her.
    It’s about listening to what’s rising inside you.
    And allowing it to point you somewhere meaningful.

    Let’s explore how.

    1. Let the Trigger Point You Toward What Still Needs Healing

    Sometimes what hurts the most is what hasn’t fully healed. If watching her defer to her partner brings tears to your eyes—or rage to your chest—it’s likely that a part of you is still carrying pain from being in that same position.

    This doesn’t mean you haven’t done deep work.
    It means a tender part of you is still waiting to be witnessed.

    Ask yourself:

    • What memory does this bring up in my body—not just in my mind?
    • What old wound might still need more tending, more holding, more truth?
    • What did I need back then that I still haven’t fully given myself?

    This isn’t a regression—it’s an opportunity to deepen your healing.

    Journal Prompt:

    “If I could step back into one moment of my past and bring my adult self with me, what would I say? What would I do differently for myself?”

    Let that part of you be heard. Not analyzed. Not fixed. Simply heard.

    2. Let the Trigger Reaffirm Your Commitments

    Your friend’s dynamic may feel frustrating. But it can also become clarifying.

    Sometimes the clearest mirror of who we are becoming is the pain of watching someone else stay where we once were.

    This doesn’t mean superiority.
    It means clarity.

    You might say to yourself:

    • “This is why I speak up now, even when it’s hard.”
    • “This is why I insisted on being met equally in my relationship.”
    • “This is why I choose to live awake, even when it costs me comfort.”

    Let her choices reaffirm your own. Let your discomfort become a boundary, a prayer, a recommitment to never abandoning yourself again.

    3. Let the Trigger Soften You Toward Others

    It’s easy to get caught in a binary: she’s stuck, I’m free. She’s silent, I speak. But healing doesn’t require you to harden. In fact, the most mature healing allows you to feel both deep compassion and firm boundaries.

    It lets you say:

    • “I can’t watch this dynamic without hurting… but I still care about her.”
    • “I won’t take this on as mine… but I won’t judge her for not being where I am.”
    • “I can love from a distance… or I can love up close with limits. But I don’t have to cut myself off to stay safe.”

    Letting go of judgment isn’t the same as abandoning your truth.
    It simply means holding your truth with tenderness.

    4. Let the Trigger Be a Teacher of Fierce Love

    Your frustration isn’t a failure.
    Your protectiveness isn’t misplaced.
    Your inner advocate, your fierce inner woman—she’s not wrong for showing up.

    But now, you get to ask her:

    “Can we turn this fierce love inward first?”

    Can you be just as protective, fierce, and awake when you start to slip into old patterns?
    Can you offer yourself the same fire and clarity you wish your friend could receive?

    This is what integration looks like:

    • Rage transformed into devotion.
    • Judgment transmuted into self-responsibility.
    • Pain repurposed as fuel for love and boundaries.

    5. Let the Trigger Deepen Your Wisdom

    You are not who you used to be.
    And yet, those older parts of you still deserve space in your story. They’re not mistakes to forget. They’re chapters that shaped your discernment—and your capacity for compassion.

    So when this trigger arises again—because it might—don’t rush to suppress it. Let it speak. Let it guide.

    Let it say:

    • “I remember what it was like to be quiet.”
    • “I remember the cost of losing myself.”
    • “And I’m here now, more whole than ever, more awake than ever.”

    And perhaps someday, when your friend is ready—if she ever is—you’ll have the capacity to meet her not from above, but from beside.

    Because you’ll know the terrain.
    You’ve walked out of that silence yourself.

    Final Thought:

    Let your trigger be a guide—not to control someone else’s story, but to reclaim your own with even more depth, love, and clarity.

    Explore further:

    🤬Why Inconsiderate People Trigger You More Than They “Should”—And How to Heal the Wound Beneath

    💵Healing Through Less: A Journey to Emotional Clarity with a No-Buy Year + free PDF

    🍦Healing Your Relationship with Food: Understanding Emotional Eating and Building New Habits

  • When Therapy Becomes a Compulsion: Why We Keep Digging and How to Step Into Life Beyond Self-Work

    The Endless Search for Healing

    You’ve done the work. The tears, the journaling, the deep dives into childhood wounds. The language of trauma, attachment, triggers, and inner child now flows as naturally as your native tongue.

    Things are okay now—maybe even good. Life is more stable. Your relationships feel healthier, your emotions more manageable. Yet, despite that stability, you still feel the urge to stay in therapy. Not because something\’s wrong… but because it feels necessary.

    Necessary like a habit. Or a life jacket. Or an identity.

    You find yourself wondering:
    What if there’s still more to uncover? What if I stop now and lose everything I’ve built? What if this is the only space where I feel truly held?

    This article is for those who feel stuck in the cycle of endless self-work—for those who’ve turned inward for so long that looking outward now feels terrifying.

    But healing was never meant to be a destination. It was always a path. And sometimes the bravest step is not going deeper, but stepping out.

    Let’s explore what lies underneath this need to keep digging—and how you can begin to trust that you’re already whole.

    Why Do We Keep Digging?

    Healing can be intoxicating. The rush of insight. The clarity after a deep emotional release. The comforting rhythm of weekly therapy, where someone truly listens.

    But there comes a point where therapy stops being a tool and starts becoming a tether. You’re not in crisis. You’re not in the same pain you once were. And yet, you can’t seem to stop.

    Why?

    Let’s look at five deeper reasons therapy might feel impossible to let go of—and what you can do instead.

    1. Fear of Regression: “What if I stop and everything falls apart?”

    One of the most common fears is that without therapy, you’ll slowly unravel. You imagine the emotions creeping back in, the relationships starting to fracture, the old patterns returning like ghosts.

    Therapy may have helped you build a new sense of self—and walking away can feel like taking the scaffolding off before the structure is fully stable.

    But here’s the truth: the strength you built isn’t in the therapist’s office. It’s in you.

    Try This: Create a Personal Resilience Plan

    List out what you’ve learned from therapy:

    • Coping tools (breathwork, journaling, boundaries)
    • Insights about your patterns
    • Affirmations or mantras that helped you
    • People in your life who support you
      Keep this somewhere visible. You’ve already internalized the work—you’re just reminding yourself.

    Also Try: Visualize Your Inner Therapist

    Sit quietly and imagine the voice of your therapist. What would they say if you felt overwhelmed? Practice drawing on that inner resource when you need reassurance.

    Reframe It: Healing Is a Spiral, Not a Line

    You might revisit old pain, but that doesn’t mean you’ve regressed. Growth is nonlinear. Trust that even if things get hard, you now have the tools to navigate it.

    2. Addiction to Self-Discovery: “What if there’s still more to uncover?”

    There’s a thrill in self-understanding. The lightbulb moments. The deep realizations that finally explain why you do what you do. Therapy can become a form of self-exploration that feels endlessly rich—and endlessly unfinished.

    But this constant digging can become its own trap. Not every emotion needs to be traced to childhood. Not every reaction needs to be dissected. Sometimes, the healthiest thing we can do is let the moment be—without analysis.

    It’s easy to confuse depth with value, and to believe that if we’re not unearthing something, we’re not growing. But integration—living what you’ve learned—is just as valuable as discovery.

    Try This: Shift from Insight to Action

    Instead of asking, Why do I feel this way?, try asking, What do I want to do with this feeling?

    • If you feel lonely: instead of analyzing the origin, reach out.
    • If you feel sad: let yourself cry, then care for yourself tenderly.

    Move from explaining your emotions to experiencing and responding to them. That’s where transformation happens.

    Also Try: Practice Embodied Integration

    Use your body to help you stop looping in your head:

    • Dance to express a feeling instead of talking about it
    • Walk in nature while gently observing your thoughts without judgment
    • Practice somatic tools like placing a hand on your chest and saying, “I’m here, I’m listening”

    Journal Prompt:

    Instead of “What’s wrong with me?” try:

    • What’s right with me that I haven’t fully claimed?
    • What would change if I acted like I was already whole?

    3. The Need for Emotional Holding: “Therapy is my safe space—what if I lose it?”

    For many, therapy is more than a place for problem-solving—it’s the first or only place where they’ve felt deeply seen, heard, and held. It’s where they could cry without being told to stop, speak without being interrupted, and show up without needing to perform.

    Letting go of that space can feel like losing a lifeline.
    And more than that—it can feel like losing a version of yourself that finally felt worthy.

    But emotional holding doesn’t have to end with therapy. In fact, the next step in your healing might be learning to find—and create—that kind of safety in the world, in your relationships, and within yourself.

    Try This: Identify Your “Emotional Holding” Practices

    What brings you comfort and safety outside of therapy?
    Make a list that might include:

    • Journaling or voice-memo reflections
    • Wrapping yourself in a blanket and listening to calming music
    • Taking a walk and letting your inner voice speak freely
    • Talking to a trusted friend with honesty

    These are emotional anchors—practices that can gently hold you when you feel unsteady.

    Also Try: Build a Circle of Trust

    Begin identifying people who feel emotionally safe. It doesn’t have to be many—even one person with whom you can be real is powerful.

    • Try initiating slightly deeper conversations with someone you trust
    • Share a little more of your internal world
    • Ask for what you need, even if it feels small

    It can be vulnerable—but it’s how we move from healing in isolation to healing in connection.

    Guided Visualization: Inner Sanctuary

    Close your eyes and imagine a place inside you where your feelings are always welcome. Visualize it in detail. This is your internal safe space—a part of you that doesn’t disappear when therapy ends. Visit it whenever you need to feel held.

    4. Avoidance of the Present: “Who am I without healing?”

    Therapy often asks us to reflect on the past—to trace wounds, understand patterns, and connect the dots. For a time, this is vital. But if we spend too long in this reflective state, we can begin to lose touch with the present.

    It’s a subtle form of avoidance. If we’re always “in process,” always healing, we never have to ask the more vulnerable question: What now?

    • What happens when I stop working on myself and actually live?
    • What does it mean to be happy—or to risk being happy?
    • Who am I when I’m not fixing myself?

    Sometimes, healing becomes a way to delay stepping into our lives. Because if we’re never done, we never have to try. And if we never try, we never have to risk failing.

    Try This: Practice Being in the Now Without Improving Anything

    Set aside just 10 minutes a day to be completely present without trying to fix, analyze, or improve anything.

    • Sit with a cup of tea
    • Watch the wind in the trees
    • Play with your child or pet
    • Let yourself laugh at something silly

    Notice the impulse to narrate or evaluate. And gently come back to now.

    Also Try: A “Good Enough” Practice

    Instead of asking, Am I growing enough?, ask:

    • Is this moment good enough?
    • Can I let this be enough for today?

    Then answer with a simple, honest yes—or a maybe. Let that be your practice.

    Journal Prompt:

    If I stopped healing today, what part of life would I want to step into? What dream, desire, or joy have I been putting off until I’m more “ready”?

    5. Identity Tied to Healing: “If I’m not healing, who am I?”

    When healing becomes central to your life for a long time, it can become part of your identity. You’re the self-aware one, the sensitive one, the one who does the work. Maybe you’re even the one others turn to for emotional insight.

    Letting go of therapy—or the pursuit of constant growth—can feel like losing a version of yourself you’ve come to rely on. If you’re not “healing,” what are you doing?

    Who are you if you’re not the wounded one, the evolving one, the seeker?

    But here’s the thing: healing is not who you are. It’s something you’ve experienced. Your identity is not limited to your trauma or your transformation.

    You are also:

    • a creator
    • a friend
    • a partner
    • a parent
    • a dreamer
    • someone who can build, feel, rest, and love

    Try This: Reclaim the Other Parts of You

    Make a list of all the roles you play and joys you experience outside of therapy and healing.

    • What hobbies light you up?
    • What parts of yourself existed before the pain took center stage?
    • What dreams have nothing to do with self-improvement?

    Begin nurturing those parts of you—not as a project, but as life.

    Also Try: Rewrite Your Self-Story

    Instead of: “I’m someone who’s healing from…”
    Try: “I’m someone who’s learning to…”

    • …love freely
    • …enjoy the ordinary
    • …create beauty
    • …trust life again

    This shift helps you move from a problem-centered identity to a possibility-centered one.

    Journal Prompt:

    What would change if I saw myself as already whole? What parts of life might open up if I stopped trying to “fix” and started trying to “live”?

    6. Control Through Self-Work: “Therapy gives me a sense of control in a chaotic world.”

    Life is unpredictable. Relationships are messy. The future is unknown.

    But therapy? Therapy feels like control.
    A 50-minute session, every week. A plan. A language to explain your pain. A way to predict your reactions. Tools to manage what once overwhelmed you.

    It makes sense that therapy becomes a sanctuary of control in a world that often feels too big, too fast, or too unstable. When everything else is in flux, continuing to “work on yourself” gives a comforting illusion of stability.

    But healing is not about gaining control over life—it’s about learning to trust yourself within it.

    Try This: Lean into “Small, Safe Chaos”

    Let yourself experience manageable unpredictability, like:

    • Taking a new route to a familiar place
    • Cooking without a recipe
    • Starting a conversation without knowing where it’ll go

    These are low-stakes ways to practice trust. You don’t have to jump into chaos—just tiptoe into spontaneity.

    Also Try: Practice Surrender with a Grounding Ritual

    If surrender feels scary, balance it with grounding. For example:

    • Light a candle or burn incense before saying, “I release what I can’t control today.”
    • Journal a list of what you can influence (your breath, your reactions, your boundaries) and what you can’t.
      This teaches your body that surrender and safety can co-exist.

    Journal Prompt:

    What am I trying to control through self-work? What would happen if I stopped managing myself and just trusted who I am now?

    7. The Therapist as Attachment Figure: “They’re the only one who really sees me.”

    Therapy is a unique relationship. For many, it’s the first time they’ve felt deeply seen—not judged, not rushed, not rejected. Your therapist remembers your stories. They witness your pain. They reflect back your goodness, even when you can’t feel it.

    It’s natural to form an attachment.
    In fact, that’s part of the healing. The therapeutic relationship often repairs old attachment wounds. You experience consistency, safety, and care. But when therapy starts to feel like the only place where you’re truly understood, it can also feel terrifying to leave.

    And yet, the real gift of a healing attachment isn’t that you stay dependent on it—it’s that you internalize it. You begin to carry that safety inside you.

    You may never find a perfect mirror in the “real world.” But you can learn to build relationships that are good enough—and learn to see yourself through kinder eyes.

    Try This: Internalize the Therapist’s Voice

    Ask yourself:

    • What would my therapist say to me right now?
    • How would they respond to how I’m feeling?
      Then write it down—or say it aloud. Begin offering that voice to yourself, gently and repeatedly.

    Also Try: Bring Therapy Qualities Into Daily Life

    What do you value most about your therapy space? Maybe it’s presence, compassion, non-judgment, or deep listening.

    Now ask:

    • Where can I offer this to myself outside therapy?
    • With whom can I practice this in relationships—starting small?

    For example:

    • Try listening to someone without interrupting, as your therapist listens to you
    • Speak to yourself with warmth and curiosity, not criticism
    • Hold space for your emotions without needing to fix them immediately

    Journal Prompt:

    What part of my therapist’s presence have I already begun to carry within me? How can I nurture that part and help it grow?

    How to Know You Might Be Ready to Pause or Shift Therapy

    Ending or pausing therapy isn’t a sign of failure or abandonment—it can be a natural, healthy step when healing moves into a new phase. That said, it’s not always easy to know when you’re actually ready.

    Here are some signs you might be ready to pause, reduce, or reframe your therapy:

    1. You’re not bringing much to sessions anymore.

    If you find yourself searching for something to talk about or revisiting the same themes without new insights, it might be a sign that you’ve reached a plateau—or that growth is happening elsewhere in your life.

    2. You want to test your tools in real life.

    You’ve learned the tools. You’ve done the inner work. Now there’s a quiet pull to use what you know without the weekly safety net. That doesn’t mean you’re “done”—it means you’re ready to try walking without holding someone’s hand.

    3. Your sessions are more about maintenance than discovery.

    If therapy feels more like a check-in than a transformation, you might be in a phase where life itself becomes your primary teacher.

    4. You feel more curious about life than your wounds.

    You’re still tender, still human—but you’re no longer gripped by your pain. You’re beginning to ask, What do I want to create? instead of What do I need to fix?

    5. You’re feeling called to embody, not just explore.

    You crave real-world experiences: deeper relationships, creative expression, rest, joy. You’re ready to live the work, not just talk about it.

    Are You Ready to Stop Therapy? A Self-Reflection Questionnaire

    Deciding whether to pause or stop therapy can feel like a big step. If you’ve been in therapy for a while, it’s natural to wonder if it’s time to shift your focus or trust yourself to move forward without it. Therapy has been a tool for healing, but healing isn’t a one-size-fits-all journey—it’s an ongoing process of integration, self-awareness, and living.

    Take a moment to reflect on your current therapy journey. This questionnaire is designed to help you assess whether you might be ready to pause or shift your therapy process. Answer each question honestly, using a scale from 1 (Strongly Disagree) to 5 (Strongly Agree).

    1. I feel like I’ve reached a point where I’ve processed most of my current issues.

    • 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

    2. My therapy sessions now feel more like maintenance rather than discovery or deep exploration.

    • 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

    3. I’ve developed a strong toolkit (coping strategies, emotional awareness, etc.) that I feel confident using on my own.

    • 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

    4. I am noticing that I am more curious about how I can live fully and embrace life, rather than only focusing on healing past wounds.

    • 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

    5. I feel stable emotionally and no longer rely on therapy for ongoing emotional regulation.

    • 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

    6. I am comfortable with the idea of integrating my therapy insights into my daily life without needing weekly sessions.

    • 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

    7. I have healthy support systems outside of therapy, such as trusted friends, family, or other communities, that can continue to support me.

    • 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

    8. The idea of stepping away from therapy feels like a natural next step, not an overwhelming or fearful decision.

    • 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

    9. I trust myself enough to know when I need help again, if necessary, and I am open to reaching out if needed.

    • 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

    10. I feel ready to put my therapy insights into action in my daily life and relationships.

    • 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

    Results:

    • 40-50 points: You may be ready to pause or shift your therapy. You’ve built a solid foundation and are ready to integrate your healing into real-life experiences. Consider discussing your readiness with your therapist, and take the time to reflect on what a break or shift might look like for you.
    • 30-39 points: You might be at a point of transition. While you’re not quite finished with therapy, it could be helpful to explore if a reduced frequency of sessions or a shift in focus is right for you. Have an open conversation with your therapist about where you’re at in your healing journey.
    • 20-29 points: You’re still processing and might benefit from more time in therapy. It’s okay to stay in the process for a bit longer. Use this time to continue building tools for self-soothing and emotional regulation before considering a pause.
    • 10-19 points: You may not be ready to stop therapy just yet. It’s important to honor where you are in your journey. Therapy is still an essential support, and you may want to focus on further exploration and healing before considering a break.

    What to Put in Place Instead: A Self-Holding Toolkit

    When you decide to pause or reduce therapy, it’s crucial to have some support and tools in place. Therapy provides structure, safety, and guidance—but these same qualities can be found in other parts of your life when you’re ready to take them on more independently.

    Here are some tools and practices to help you continue thriving on your own terms:

    1. Journaling for Reflection and Clarity

    Journaling is one of the best ways to continue processing your thoughts, feelings, and experiences after therapy. It helps you explore yourself in real time without needing to “analyze” everything.

    • Daily Check-In: Write down what’s on your mind, even if it’s just a few sentences.
    • Focus on Emotions: List what emotions you felt throughout the day and why.
    • Creative Prompts: Write from different perspectives, like your future self, or the version of you that’s already healed.

    2. Mindfulness and Meditation

    When therapy no longer holds space for your emotions, you can create that space for yourself through mindfulness and meditation. These practices allow you to stay grounded and emotionally aware without overthinking or avoiding your feelings.

    • Mindful Breathing: Spend 5 minutes a day focusing on your breath, noticing when your mind wanders, and gently guiding it back to the present moment.
    • Body Scan Meditation: A great practice for checking in with your body and noticing any areas of tension or emotion you might be holding.

    3. Building Supportive Relationships

    Cultivate relationships that provide the emotional support and connection you might have relied on your therapist for. These relationships don’t need to be with “professionals”—they just need to be safe spaces where you feel seen and heard.

    • Find an Accountability Buddy: Partner with someone who understands your journey. Have regular check-ins or simply be there to listen to one another.
    • Community: Whether in-person or online, engage with communities that align with your values, interests, or experiences. This can help you feel less isolated and more supported.

    4. Practicing Self-Compassion

    This is the most important tool you can have. Healing doesn’t need to be a constant “work in progress”—sometimes it’s about accepting where you are, even if it doesn’t feel like perfection.

    • Gentle Self-Talk: Replace critical thoughts with compassionate ones.
    • Embrace Imperfection: Allow yourself to make mistakes without fear or judgment. Healing is messy.

    5. Creating a Growth-Focused Environment

    Surround yourself with practices, environments, and content that help you continue to evolve naturally—without forcing it.

    • Books, Podcasts, and Videos: Consume materials that inspire you or challenge your way of thinking.
    • Engage in Creative Projects: Whether it’s gardening, writing, cooking, or painting, engage in something that lets you express yourself freely.

    Trust Your Journey

    It’s okay to let go of the constant work. Therapy has been a valuable tool, but you are more than your sessions, more than the work you’ve done. You’re a whole person, already capable of living fully and embracing life’s complexities—without needing to “fix” or “perfect” every part of yourself.

    Trust the process of becoming.
    Trust that your healing is not linear—it’s cyclical. It has phases, rests, ebbs, and flows. Your journey is not over just because you’re ready to take a step back. Sometimes, the most profound growth comes not from deep introspection but from embracing life as it is, in all its mess and beauty.

    You don’t need to be in therapy forever to be whole. You don’t need to be constantly evolving to be worthy.
    You are allowed to pause, to breathe, to live.

    When you feel stable, when the tools have been learned and the insights have been absorbed, let them settle into your bones. Let the journey be about living the lessons, not just endlessly exploring them.

    You are enough, just as you are, with or without therapy. Trust that you have everything you need to continue your path, and if you ever feel ready for more support, you can always come back. Healing isn’t an endpoint—it’s a way of being in the world.

    Explore further:

    🧘‍♀️Restorative Yoga for Deep Healing: How to Use Stillness to Rewire Your Nervous System

    📝Healing Shadow Motivations: Understanding and Transforming Self-Sabotage (+free PDF)

    🥰The Rewards of Motherhood: Finding Meaning, Growth, and Everyday Magic

  • Understanding Attention: A Fundamental Human Need, Not a Flaw (+free pdf)

    The Psychological & Nervous System Roots of the Need for Attention

    From our earliest moments, we learn a simple truth: to be noticed is to exist.

    When a baby cries and a caregiver responds, they receive more than just comfort—they receive a message: \”You matter.\”

    But when our bids for attention are ignored, dismissed, or shamed, we develop survival strategies to cope. Some of us loudly demand attention, while others become invisible to avoid rejection.

    💡 Key Insight: The ways we seek (or avoid) attention today are often shaped by childhood experiences.

    To deeply understand this, we need to look at psychological and nervous system frameworks that explain how we adapt when our attention needs aren’t met.

    Attachment Theory: How Early Relationships Shape Attention Patterns

    Attachment theory (Bowlby, 1969) explains how our first experiences with caregivers teach us what to expect from relationships—including whether it\’s safe to seek attention.

    🔹 Secure Attachment:
    ✔️ Grew up with consistent attention and responsiveness
    ✔️ Feels comfortable giving and receiving attention
    ✔️ Doesn’t see attention-seeking as “bad”

    🔹 Anxious Attachment:
    ⚠️ Received inconsistent attention—sometimes present, sometimes withdrawn
    ⚠️ Fears abandonment, leading to hyper-vigilance in seeking reassurance
    ⚠️ Can show up as over-explaining, needing external validation, or clinging

    🔹 Avoidant Attachment:
    ❌ Grew up with caregivers who dismissed emotional needs
    ❌ Learned to shut down emotions to avoid rejection
    ❌ Can show up as withdrawing, downplaying needs, or hyper-independence

    🔹 Disorganized Attachment:
    💔 Experienced both comfort and fear from caregivers
    💔 Alternates between craving attention and fearing rejection
    💔 Can show up as pushing people away while secretly longing for connection

    💡 Healing Insight: Our attachment patterns aren’t “flaws”—they’re protective strategies. If we struggle with attention-seeking or avoidance, it’s often because we learned that being seen wasn’t always safe.

    Internal Family Systems (IFS): How Different Parts of Us Seek Attention in Different Ways

    IFS (Schwartz, 1995) teaches that our personality isn’t a single “self”—it’s made up of different parts, each with its own role.

    When our need for attention was unmet, different parts of us learned to cope in unique ways:

    🔹 The Performer: Tries to earn attention through achievements, perfectionism, or always being “helpful.”
    ✔️ Motivated by fear of being ignored or unworthy.

    🔹 The Rebel: Acts out, creates drama, or provokes reactions to feel seen.
    ✔️ Often stems from childhood experiences of only getting attention when misbehaving.

    🔹 The Invisible One: Withdraws, suppresses needs, and avoids being a burden.
    ✔️ Learned that visibility led to rejection, shame, or punishment.

    💡 Healing Insight: These parts aren’t “bad”—they each developed as protectors. By recognizing them with compassion, we can begin to heal.

    Developmental Trauma & The Fear of Visibility

    When children experience emotional neglect (CEN) or invalidation, they internalize a painful message:

    ❌ “My emotions and needs don’t matter.”

    Instead of feeling worthy of attention, they feel:

    • Shame for needing connection
    • Guilt for taking up space
    • Fear that being seen = rejection

    This is why healing attention-seeking behaviors isn’t just about learning new habits—it’s about healing deep-seated fears of rejection.

    💡 Healing Insight: If attention-seeking behaviors feel desperate or painful, it’s often because they’re linked to old wounds of invisibility.

    Somatic Psychology: How the Body Holds the Experience of Being Ignored or Seen

    Even if we intellectually know we deserve attention, our nervous system might still resist it.

    Why? Because the body remembers past experiences of being ignored, shamed, or dismissed.

    Common Somatic Signs of an Unmet Attention Need:
    ✔️ Tight chest or throat when speaking up
    ✔️ Feeling exposed or anxious when sharing emotions
    ✔️ Tensing up when receiving compliments or being the center of attention
    ✔️ Feeling a deep sadness or emptiness after being overlooked

    💡 Healing Insight: These body responses aren’t irrational—they are protective mechanisms that developed when visibility felt unsafe.

    Polyvagal Theory: How Our Nervous System Reacts to Being Ignored

    Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory (2011) explains how our nervous system is wired for social engagement. When we receive warm, responsive attention, our ventral vagal state is activated, making us feel:
    ✔️ Safe
    ✔️ Connected
    ✔️ Calm

    However, when we experience rejection, neglect, or emotional inconsistency, our nervous system perceives a threat and shifts into:

    • Fight-or-Flight (Sympathetic Activation): Leads to acting out, demanding attention, over-explaining, or clinging.
    • Shutdown Mode (Dorsal Vagal Response): Leads to withdrawing, suppressing needs, and emotional numbness.

    💡 Key Insight: Many “attention-seeking” behaviors are actually nervous system survival responses—our body’s attempt to restore safety and connection.

    Jungian Psychology & The Shadow: When Suppressed Attention Needs Turn Destructive

    Carl Jung’s concept of the shadow self helps explain why unmet needs for attention—especially when deeply repressed—can surface in unhealthy ways. If we were taught that seeking attention is “selfish,” “immature,” or “embarrassing,” we may push that part of ourselves deep into the unconscious. But the shadow doesn’t disappear—it manifests in ways we don’t consciously recognize.

    💥 When the Suppressed Need for Attention Erupts Destructively

    Instead of acknowledging our legitimate need to be seen and valued, we may:

    • Seek attention through self-sabotage (e.g., creating crises to be rescued)
    • Overperform or overachieve (believing love must be earned)
    • Engage in attention-seeking behaviors we later regret (e.g., oversharing, stirring conflict, or chasing validation from unavailable people)
    • Push away those who offer genuine recognition (because it feels foreign or undeserved)

    By rejecting our need for attention, we risk acting out unconsciously—seeking it through means that leave us feeling hollow, ashamed, or disconnected.

    🪞 Projection: When Self-Rejection Becomes External Judgment

    Jungian psychology also describes projection, where we reject traits in ourselves and instead fixate on them in others. If we suppress our need for attention, we may unconsciously:

    🚫 Resent “needy” people—feeling irritated by those who openly seek support or validation.
    🚫 Judge others for being “attention-seekers”—when, deep down, we envy their courage to express what we suppress.
    🚫 Avoid vulnerability—keeping emotional distance so no one sees our unspoken longing to be valued.

    Projection traps us in a cycle: The more we judge others for what we reject in ourselves, the harder it becomes to heal. Instead, we must reclaim and integrate our need for attention with self-awareness and self-compassion.

    Key Takeaways

    • Attention-seeking behaviors are not manipulation; they are attempts to restore connection.
    • Our early experiences (attachment, trauma, nervous system responses) shape how we seek or avoid attention.
    • Internal Family Systems (IFS) shows that different parts of us learned different strategies to cope with being unseen.
    • Healing requires both psychological understanding and somatic (body-based) work to feel safe being seen.

    Healing in Practice – Meeting the Need for Attention with Compassionate Action

    We already explored how our need for attention is shaped by attachment patterns, internal protective parts (IFS), developmental trauma, and nervous system responses.

    Now, we shift from understanding to healing.

    Many of us were shamed for wanting attention. But healing means recognizing that:

    ✔️ Wanting to be seen is not selfish.
    ✔️ Visibility is a core human need, not a flaw.
    ✔️ You deserve healthy, fulfilling attention—without guilt.

    This segment will offer practical tools to meet your need for attention in ways that feel authentic, grounded, and healing.

    1. Self-Compassion & Shadow Work: Healing Shame Around Attention

    Many of us carry deep shame around being seen, heard, or taking up space.

    This shame often leads to:
    ❌ Over-explaining or justifying our emotions
    ❌ Feeling like a burden when expressing needs
    ❌ Downplaying accomplishments to avoid seeming “attention-seeking”

    🌿 Shadow Work: Uncovering Your Beliefs About Attention

    Shadow work (Jung, 1951) helps us identify and integrate hidden parts of ourselves—especially the ones we were taught to suppress.

    Ask yourself:
    📝 What messages did I receive about seeking attention as a child?
    📝 Did I ever feel ashamed for needing support or validation?
    📝 Do I judge others for wanting attention? Why?

    💡 Healing Insight: If we shame ourselves for seeking attention, it’s often because we were once shamed for it.

    🌿 Self-Compassion Practice: Rewriting the Narrative

    Kristin Neff’s (2003) work on self-compassion shows that gentle, self-affirming language can help heal shame.

    Try this self-compassion statement:

    💬 “It makes sense that I want to be seen. I am worthy of attention, just as I am.”

    Repeat daily when guilt about needing attention arises.

    2. Rewiring the Nervous System: Somatic Exercises for Feeling Safe Being Seen

    Even if we intellectually know we deserve attention, our body may still react with discomfort.

    If being noticed feels unsafe, we may experience:
    ⚠️ Tension when speaking up
    ⚠️ Anxiety when receiving praise or validation
    ⚠️ Discomfort in social settings

    This is where nervous system regulation is key.

    🌿 Somatic Exercise 1: The “Safe Visibility” Practice

    Goal: Train your nervous system to feel safe receiving attention.

    1. Close your eyes. Imagine someone looking at you with warmth and care.
    2. Notice how your body reacts. Do you tense up? Do you shrink inward?
    3. Place a hand on your heart. Say, “I am safe to be seen.”
    4. Repeat for 1 minute daily.

    This teaches your body that being seen does not equal danger.

    🌿 Somatic Exercise 2: The \”Receiving Without Deflecting\” Practice

    Many of us deflect compliments or downplay our achievements to avoid attention.

    Next time someone compliments you, instead of saying “Oh, it was nothing…” try:
    ✔️ Pausing.
    ✔️ Breathing in.
    ✔️ Saying, “Thank you, I appreciate that.”

    💡 Healing Insight: The more you allow yourself to receive positive attention, the more your nervous system learns that it’s safe.

    3. Building Reciprocal Relationships Where You Are Naturally Seen

    Attention-seeking behaviors often come from a lack of consistent, fulfilling attention.

    Instead of feeling desperate for validation, focus on creating relationships where you are naturally seen.

    🌿 3 Ways to Cultivate Healthy Visibility

    1️⃣ Choose Relationships That Feel Like Home
    ✅ Do you feel safe expressing emotions?
    ✅ Do you feel heard, even in small moments?

    2️⃣ Practice Being Vulnerable in Small Ways
    ➝ Share a small thought or feeling instead of waiting until emotions explode.
    ➝ Example: Instead of saying “Nobody ever notices me!” try “Hey, I’d love to share something with you.”

    3️⃣ Offer What You Want to Receive
    ➝ Notice and acknowledge others.
    ➝ The more we see others, the more we open space to be seen.

    💡 Healing Insight: The best way to stop feeling invisible is to build connections that truly see you.

    🎁 Free Resource: The Self-Compassion Workbook for Attention & Visibility

    To make this healing process actionable, I’ve created a free workbook:

    ✅ Self-reflection prompts to explore your relationship with attention
    ✅ Somatic exercises to rewire your nervous system for safe visibility
    ✅ Scripts for receiving attention without guilt
    ✅ Daily self-compassion statements

    Download here

    Final Thoughts: Your Right to Be Seen

    Healing our relationship with attention is not about getting rid of our need to be seen—it’s about honoring it in healthy ways.

    ✔️ You are not “needy.” You are human.
    ✔️ You deserve to be noticed and valued.
    ✔️ Healing happens when we allow ourselves to take up space—without guilt.

    📚 Recommended Books on Attention, Shame & Healing

    Understanding the Need for Attention

    📖 The Drama of the Gifted Child – Alice Miller
    📖 Running on Empty – Jonice Webb, PhD (Childhood Emotional Neglect)

    Healing Visibility Shame

    📖 Daring Greatly – Brené Brown
    📖 The Right to Speak – Patsy Rodenburg (About using your voice)

    Building Healthy Self-Expression

    📖 The Artist’s Way – Julia Cameron
    📖 Radical Acceptance – Tara Brach

    ❓ Q&A: Common Concerns About Attention & Visibility

    ❓ Why do I crave attention so much?

    Your brain is wired for connection and recognition. If you were emotionally neglected or dismissed as a child, your system may be seeking what was missing. It’s not a flaw—it’s an unmet need.

    ❓ How do I stop feeling ashamed for wanting attention?

    First, recognize that needing attention is not bad. Then, focus on receiving it in ways that align with your values.Example: Sharing your thoughts in a deep conversation vs. seeking validation online.

    ❓ What if people judge me for wanting to be seen?

    Some will—but that’s okay. The right people will celebrate your presence. Every time you allow yourself to be seen, you attract those who value you authentically.

    ❓ How can I feel seen without constantly seeking validation?

    • Build inner validation (affirmations, self-appreciation).
    • Create meaningful connections (quality over quantity).
    • Engage in fulfilling self-expression (art, writing, movement).

    📩 Download Your Free Workbook Here!

    🔹 Click below to get instant access:

    Download

    🌿 Your need for attention is not shameful. You deserve to be seen.

  • Why Do I Panic When Plans Change? An IFS Approach to Healing Control and Powerlessness (+free PDF)

    You’ve carefully planned out every detail of an important project, trip, or even just your day. Then, suddenly—something changes. Your heart pounds, frustration rises, and you scramble to regain control. Maybe you shut down, lash out, or feel the urge to fix everything immediately. But why does something as simple as a shift in plans feel so deeply unsettling?

    Using Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we’ll explore how this reaction is often a sign of unhealed wounds from the past—and how to work with the parts of you that are trying to protect you from pain.

    Recognizing the Inner System at Play: A Real-Life Example

    Imagine this: You and your partner are in the middle of designing your dream home. You’ve put weeks into carefully planning every detail—where the windows will go, the materials you’ll use. Then, unexpectedly, your partner suggests a major change to the layout.

    Your reaction is immediate:

    • You feel tense, irritated, and overwhelmed.
    • You argue about why the original plan is better.
    • When they push back, your heart races, your chest tightens, and frustration turns into panic.
    • You become rigid and controlling, insisting that your way is best.

    It’s only later, when the emotions settle, that you realize your reaction felt much bigger than the situation warranted.

    What’s really happening? Let’s break it down using IFS.

    Understanding Your Internal System: Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters

    In IFS, we see the mind as made up of different \”parts\” that each have a role in protecting you from pain.

    1. The Exile (The Wounded Inner Child)
      • Core wound: A deep sense of powerlessness from childhood.
      • In this example: You were forced to move houses as a child. You had no say in the decision—where you lived, what furniture was taken, or how your space changed. You had to silently endure the loss, with no one helping you process it emotionally. This wounded, powerless part of you is now hidden deep inside—an Exile.
    2. The Manager (The Control-Seeker)
      • Core strategy: Prevent you from ever feeling powerless again.
      • In this example: As soon as your partner suggests a change, your Manager part jumps in: “We have to keep control! We must not let this happen again!” This part sees flexibility as dangerous because it reminds you of past helplessness.
    3. The Firefighter (The Panic Response)
      • Core strategy: Stop the overwhelming feelings—at any cost.
      • In this example: When your Manager’s attempts to control the situation don’t work, your Firefighter partactivates. This can look like:
        • A panic attack or intense frustration
        • Wanting to shut down or escape
        • Using distractions (e.g., suddenly scrolling your phone, drinking, binge-watching TV) to numb out

    Each of these parts is trying to protect you, but their methods often create distress instead.

    How to Begin Healing: Working with Your Parts

    The key to breaking this cycle is learning to turn inward with curiosity instead of reacting automatically. Here’s a step-by-step guide to working with your system in real time:

    Step 1: Pause and Name Your Parts

    When you feel that familiar tightness in your chest or urge to control, take a breath and ask yourself:

    • “Who is showing up right now? A controlling Manager? A panicked Firefighter?”
    • “What is this part afraid will happen if I don’t react this way?”

    By naming the part, you begin to unblend from it—which means you are no longer fully merged with it, but instead becoming an observer.

    Step 2: Validate and Soften Toward Your Parts

    Instead of fighting your reaction, thank your parts for their efforts:

    • “I see that my Manager is trying to keep me safe.”
    • “My Firefighter is panicking because it doesn’t want me to feel powerless.”

    This reduces inner resistance and makes healing possible.

    Step 3: Identify the Exile’s Original Wound

    Ask yourself:

    • “When was the first time I felt like this?”
    • “What was happening in my childhood when I felt powerless?”
    • “What did I need back then that I didn’t receive?”

    This allows you to recognize the childhood roots of your reactions.

    Somatic Practices: Releasing Control from the Body

    Since powerlessness is deeply felt in the nervous system, working with the body is crucial.

    1. Grounding Exercise: The 5-4-3-2-1 Method
      • When you feel panic rising, engage your senses:
        • 5 things you see
        • 4 things you touch
        • 3 things you hear
        • 2 things you smell
        • 1 thing you taste
      • This helps your brain shift from fear mode to the present moment.
    2. Anchoring Safety with Breathwork
      • Breathe in deeply for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 6 seconds.
      • As you exhale, repeat to yourself: “I am safe. I have a choice.”
    3. Self-Soothing Touch
      • Place your hand on your heart or stomach.
      • Say gently: “I’m here for you. I see you. You’re safe now.”

    Advanced IFS Techniques for Deep Healing

    Now that we’ve identified the parts at play—the Manager trying to control, the Firefighter panicking, and the Exile holding the original wound—let’s explore deeper healing techniques.

    These methods help you move beyond surface-level coping and transform your relationship with your inner system.

    1. The U-Turn: Turning Your Attention Inward

    When we feel triggered, we instinctively focus on external factors (“My partner is being unreasonable!”), but true healing requires a U-Turn:

    • Instead of blaming the situation, ask:
      • “What is this reaction showing me about myself?”
      • “Which part of me is most activated right now?”

    By shifting focus inward, we stop fighting reality and start healing the inner wounds that fuel our reactions.

    2. Direct Access: Talking to Your Parts with Compassion

    You can initiate healing without needing to access deep meditation by simply speaking to your parts directly.

    Try this script:

    1. To the Manager (control-seeker):
      • “I see how hard you’re working to keep me safe. Thank you.”
      • “What are you most afraid would happen if you let go of control?”
    2. To the Firefighter (panic response):
      • “I know you’re just trying to protect me from overwhelming feelings.”
      • “What do you need from me to feel safe without reacting so intensely?”
    3. To the Exile (wounded inner child):
      • “I see you. I remember how powerless you felt.”
      • “You are not alone anymore. I am here with you now.”

    The key is compassion and curiosity—never forcing a part to change before it feels safe.

    3. Reparenting the Exile: Giving Yourself What You Never Had

    The Exile holds a frozen memory of past pain. Healing happens when you (from your Self—your wise, centered core) offer it the love and support it never received.

    • Step into your adult Self and visualize sitting with your younger self.
    • Ask:
      • “What did you need back then that you didn’t get?”
      • “What words would have comforted you?”
    • Imagine giving your younger self exactly that—whether it’s validation, a hug, or a sense of choice.

    This process reshapes the nervous system and reduces automatic panic responses over time.

    How These Patterns Affect Relationships

    IFS isn’t just about self-awareness—it transforms how we relate to others.

    Without awareness, our parts hijack communication:

    • Manager-driven control: “We have to stick to the plan!”
    • Firefighter-driven avoidance: “I just need to get out of here.”
    • Exile-driven emotional outbursts: “You never listen to me!”

    With awareness, we can communicate from Self:

    • “When plans change suddenly, I feel overwhelmed. It reminds me of past situations where I had no choice. I need some time to process before responding.”

    This shift fosters connection instead of conflict.

    Recommended Books and Videos for Deeper Work

    Books:

    • \”No Bad Parts\” – Dr. Richard Schwartz (Founder of IFS)
    • \”The Body Keeps the Score\” – Dr. Bessel van der Kolk (Trauma’s impact on the nervous system)
    • \”Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents\” – Dr. Lindsay Gibson (Healing childhood wounds)

    Videos & YouTube Channels:

    • IFS Institute (Official IFS resources)
    • The Holistic Psychologist (Inner child healing & nervous system work)
    • Dr. Gabor Maté (Understanding trauma’s long-term impact)

    Free Downloadable Worksheet: Healing Control and Panic with IFS

    This free guide will help you work through control-based reactions using IFS. Take your time—true healing happens in small steps.

    Download now

    Final Thoughts: Moving from Panic to Peace

    Panic in response to change isn’t a flaw—it’s a survival strategy from your past. By turning inward with curiosity and compassion, you can heal the root wounds and free yourself from the cycle of control and fear.

    Now, I’d love to hear from you:

    • What parts of this article resonated with you?
    • Have you noticed similar patterns in yourself?

    Let’s open up the conversation in the comments!

    Explore further

    Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child)

    Tarot for Shadow Work? A Beginner’s Guide (Part 1 of 6)

    Why Stillness Feels Unsettling for the CEN Mother at the Playground—And How to Heal

    Why Inconsiderate People Trigger You More Than They “Should”—And How to Heal the Wound Beneath

  • When Change Feels Like a Threat: Healing Powerlessness with IFS

    Why Do Small Changes Trigger Big Reactions?

    Imagine this: You’ve meticulously planned your dream home. You’ve spent hours thinking through each design element, carefully choosing everything from the layout to the furniture placement. Then, out of nowhere, your partner or contractor suggests a change.

    \”Actually, maybe the kitchen should be in the other corner.\”

    It’s a small adjustment. No big deal, right? But inside, something shifts.

    Your chest tightens, frustration surges, and an almost irrational anger rises before you can stop it. Suddenly, you\’re arguing, feeling overwhelmed, or completely shutting down.

    Maybe you hear yourself saying:
    \”No, we agreed on this. Why are we changing things now?\”

    Or you go silent, but inside, the panic is real.

    If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. When you’ve experienced powerlessness in childhood, small changes can feel like enormous threats. Your body remembers past experiences when you had no control, and it reacts accordingly—even if the current situation is completely different.

    This is where Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy comes in. IFS helps us understand why certain parts of us react so intensely and how we can shift from rigid, fearful responses to a more flexible, self-led way of being.

    Why Do We React This Way? The Role of Our Internal Parts

    IFS teaches that we all have different parts inside us—subpersonalities that help us cope with past emotional pain. These parts fall into three main categories:

    1. Exiles – The deeply wounded parts of us that hold our pain, fear, and unprocessed emotions.
    2. Managers – The parts that try to prevent us from feeling that old pain again by keeping life structured, predictable, and under control.
    3. Firefighters – The parts that react when we feel overwhelmed, often through intense emotional outbursts, dissociation, or numbing behaviors.

    IFS in Action: A Real-Life Example

    Let’s break this down using a real-world scenario:

    Trigger: A Proposed Change in House Plans

    Your partner says:
    \”Actually, I think we should change the layout of the living room.\”

    Your Internal Reaction:

    🚨 Instant emotional flood – You feel like the ground has been pulled from under you. A knot forms in your stomach, your heart races, and your body stiffens.

    You might respond in one of two ways:

    • Outwardly reacting (anger, control, shutting down the conversation)
    • Inwardly panicking (racing thoughts, an urge to shut down or leave the room)

    What’s Happening Internally?

    • Exile (The Wounded Child):
    • \”I had no control when we moved houses as a kid. No one asked me what I wanted.\”
    • \”It was scary and overwhelming, and I was expected to just go along with it.\”
    • \”No one cared about how I felt. I was powerless.\”
    • Manager (The Rigid, Controlling Part):
    • \”I MUST control everything so I never feel powerless again.\”
    • \”If I allow changes, I’ll lose control, and chaos will follow.\”
    • \”Keeping everything structured is the only way to feel safe.\”
    • Firefighter (The Panic & Overwhelm):
    • \”Too much! Too much! If I can’t control this, I’m going to break down.\”
    • \”I need to shut this conversation down or escape immediately.\”

    Each part is trying to protect you, but instead of helping, they create stress, anxiety, and conflict—both inside yourself and in your relationships.

    Healing the Pattern: A Step-by-Step IFS Process

    Step 1: Recognizing Your Manager (The Part That Seeks Control)

    Your Manager Part steps in whenever it senses unpredictability. It believes that the best way to stay safe is to control everything.

    What to do:

    • Instead of pushing this part away, get curious.
    • Ask it: \”What are you trying to protect me from?\”
    • Listen for the underlying fears—this part doesn’t want you to feel powerless again.
    • Thank it for its hard work:
    • \”I see you’re trying to keep me safe. You’ve done this for a long time, and I appreciate you.\”

    ✅ New Response:
    Instead of rejecting suggestions outright, try:
    \”I notice that change makes me uncomfortable. Can we take a minute to sit with this before making a decision?\”

    Step 2: Meeting the Exile (The Powerless Child) with Compassion

    Your Exile Part still holds onto the past pain of being unheard and having no control. That pain hasn’t been processed—so each new experience of change triggers old wounds.

    How to work with it:

    • Ask: \”How old does this part feel?\”
    • Imagine sitting with that child version of yourself.
    • Offer reassurance: \”You matter. Your feelings matter. You have choices now.\”

    ✅ New Response:
    Instead of panicking, practice grounding techniques:

    • Deep breathing
    • Placing a hand on your heart
    • Telling yourself: “I am safe. I have a say in my life now.”

    Step 3: Giving the Firefighter a Healthier Role

    Your Firefighter Part tries to shut down emotions with panic, anger, or avoidance. But what if it had a new, healthier job?

    Alternative ways to release stress:

    • Taking a short walk
    • Shaking out physical tension
    • Writing down three things you CAN control
    • Using a mantra: “I am adaptable. I can handle change.”

    ✅ New Response:
    Instead of spiraling into panic, say:
    \”I feel overwhelmed. Let’s pause and talk about this later when I’m calmer.\”

    From Powerlessness to Self-Leadership

    You can’t control everything, but you CAN control how you respond. By befriending your inner parts, you break free from the cycle of fear, rigidity, and panic.

    🌿 Next time a change feels overwhelming, pause. Listen to the part reacting, reassure it, and move forward with Self-leadership.

    📝 IFS Healing Worksheet: Releasing the Fear of Powerlessness

    Step 1: Identify the Trigger

    Describe a recent situation where you felt powerless or panicked over a small change.

    Example: “My boss changed the deadline, and I felt totally out of control.”

    Step 2: Identify the Parts

    Write what each part is saying:

    • Manager: \”If I don’t control everything, something bad will happen.\”
    • Exile: \”No one listens to me. I don’t matter.\”
    • Firefighter: \”I shut down or panic to escape the feeling.\”

    Step 3: Befriend Your Parts

    Write a compassionate response to each part.

    • To my Manager: \”I see you’re working hard to protect me. Thank you.\”
    • To my Exile: \”I hear you. You have choices now.\”
    • To my Firefighter: \”Let’s find a healthier way to handle this stress.\”

    Step 4: Take a New Action

    Choose one small action you can take next time.

    ✅ Example: “When a change comes up, I will pause and breathe before responding.”

    💬 Let’s Talk!

    Have you noticed this pattern in yourself? How do you react to unexpected changes? Share your thoughts in the comments below! ⬇️

    Explore further

    This is a short case study. If you’d like to dive deeper into the subject and really work on reparenting you exile, read: Why Do I Panic When Plans Change? An IFS Approach to Healing Control and Powerlessness

    You’d rather explore other topics? Here are some suggestions:

    Leaning into the Mother Archetype: Healing CEN and CPTSD Patterns of Avoidance

    Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child)

    Childhood Emotional Neglect and Conflict Resolution in Relationships: How the 5 Love Languages Can Help

  • Why Inconsiderate People Trigger You More Than They \”Should\”—And How to Heal the Wound Beneath

    Introduction: Why Does This Bother Me So Much?

    You’re in a conversation, and someone inserts themselves into an issue that has nothing to do with them. They take offense where none was intended, act as though they’ve been personally wronged, or demand recognition for something irrelevant.

    Or maybe you’re dealing with someone who blatantly disregards others—cutting in line, talking over people, ignoring basic social awareness.

    You feel your chest tighten, your stomach clench. Your mind starts racing: How can they not see what they’re doing? Why do they think they’re the center of everything? Why do I feel so intensely about this?

    The truth is, it’s not just this moment—it’s an old wound being pressed on.

    If you’ve experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) or relational trauma, certain behaviors—especially inconsideration, entitlement, or a lack of self-awareness in others—can feel more than just irritating. They can feel like a violation. A threat.

    And that’s because, in a way, they are—at least to your nervous system.

    Why This Hurts More Than It “Should”

    Many people grow up learning to shrug off inconsiderate behavior. “That’s just how some people are.” “Let it go.” But for those with CEN, it’s not so simple.

    Your nervous system doesn’t just perceive this as rude behavior—it registers it as a personal attack.

    • You might feel a deep resentment, as if you’re being forced to accommodate yet another selfish person.
    • You might feel powerless, like no matter how much you try to be fair and considerate, the world rewards those who take up space without thinking of others.
    • You might feel a sense of injustice, a bubbling anger at how easily they demand recognition while you’ve spent a lifetime making yourself small.

    Your reaction isn’t about this one moment. It’s about all the moments that came before it.

    The Deeper Wound Beneath the Trigger

    1. Hyper-Attunement & Over-Responsibility

    If you grew up in a household where you had to anticipate others’ needs, manage the emotions of caregivers, or avoid conflict by being “the easy child,” then seeing someone act selfishly can feel deeply wrong.

    You were never allowed to behave that way. So why do they get to?

    2. Unspoken Anger & Swallowed Boundaries

    If setting boundaries in your past led to conflict, rejection, or being shut down, then witnessing inconsiderate behavior can trigger the anger you were never allowed to express.

    You learned to swallow your needs. Seeing someone else disregard others with ease can feel like an old injustice resurfacing.

    3. The Fear of Powerlessness

    For many with CEN, power dynamics in childhood were skewed. If your needs were dismissed, if you weren’t protected, if you felt unseen, then encountering entitlement or selfishness in adulthood can feel like being a powerless child again.

    Understanding Your Nervous System’s Response

    When someone acts inconsiderately, your body responds before your mind can rationalize it.

    What’s Happening Inside?

    • Your amygdala (threat center of the brain) perceives the behavior as a violation of safety or fairness.
    • Your nervous system activates—you might go into fight (anger), flight (avoidance), freeze (shutdown), or fawn (people-pleasing to “fix” it).
    • Your brain links this situation to past emotional injuries, making the reaction feel bigger than the present moment.

    This is why pure intellectual understanding (“It’s not a big deal”) doesn’t stop the reaction. The wound needs deeper healing.

    Healing Through Awareness & Reclaiming Your Power

    1. “What’s the Worst That Could Happen?” Visualization

    • The next time you feel triggered, pause and ask:
    • What am I afraid will happen if I don’t react?
    • What’s the worst thing about tolerating this discomfort?
    • Often, the answer reveals the true fear beneath the trigger—powerlessness, invisibility, or being taken advantage of.

    2. The “Tolerating Discomfort” Challenge

    • Instead of immediately reacting, practice sitting with the feeling.
    • Breathe deeply and repeat: \”I don’t have to engage. Their behavior does not define me.\”
    • By learning to tolerate the feeling without acting on it, you start breaking the automatic reaction loop.

    3. “The Opposite Perspective” Exercise

    • Ask yourself: What if their behavior isn’t about me at all?
    • Many inconsiderate people act this way because of their own childhood wounds—a need for control, attention, or validation.
    • Shifting from “They are bad” to “They are unconscious” reduces the emotional charge.

    4. A Self-Trust Checklist for Boundaries

    • Do I actually need to engage, or can I walk away?
    • Am I reacting out of habit or choice?
    • Do I feel safe standing firm in my perspective?
    • What would “holding my boundary” look like in this situation?

    Practical Tools for When the Trigger Hits

    1. Somatic Exercise to Calm the Nervous System

    • Place your hand on your chest and take three slow belly breaths.
    • Say: \”I am safe. I am allowed to take up space.\”

    2. Self-Compassion Prompt

    • Imagine speaking to your younger self:
    • “You are not invisible. You don’t have to accommodate everyone. You are safe.”

    3. Journaling Prompt

    • Who did I have to accommodate in my past?
    • How did that shape my reactions today?

    4. Micro-Boundary Practice

    • Choose one small way to assert yourself today—declining something, taking a pause before responding, or saying \”no\” without explaining.

    Recommended Books & YouTube Channels

    Books:

    • The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel van der Kolk
    • Running on Empty – Jonice Webb
    • Set Boundaries, Find Peace – Nedra Tawwab
    • Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents – Lindsay Gibson

    YouTube Channels:

    • Dr. Ramani (on toxic relationships & boundary setting)
    • Patrick Teahan, LICSW (on emotional neglect & healing)
    • The Holistic Psychologist (on nervous system regulation)

    Closing Reflection

    This trigger isn’t proof of brokenness—it’s proof that a wound is ready to be seen, felt, and healed.

    The next time someone’s inconsiderate behavior makes you feel invisible, powerless, or enraged, pause. You’re not that child anymore. You are safe now. And you can choose how to respond.

    👉 What about you?

    Does this resonate? Have you noticed certain behaviors that trigger you deeply? Share your experiences in the comments—I’d love to hear your thoughts.

    Read next: Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child)

    Dealing with mother rage? Read Mother Rage and the Hidden Wounds of Childhood Emotional Neglect: Understanding, Healing, and Finding Peace

  • Why Inconsiderate People Trigger You More Than They \”Should\”—And How to Heal the Wound Beneath

    Why Does This Bother Me So Much?

    You’re in a conversation, and someone inserts themselves into an issue that has nothing to do with them. They take offense where none was intended, act as though they’ve been personally wronged, or demand recognition for something irrelevant.

    Or maybe you’re dealing with someone who blatantly disregards others—cutting in line, talking over people, ignoring basic social awareness.

    You feel your chest tighten, your stomach clench. Your mind starts racing: How can they not see what they’re doing? Why do they think they’re the center of everything? Why do I feel so intensely about this?

    The truth is, it’s not just this moment—it’s an old wound being pressed on.

    If you’ve experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) or relational trauma, certain behaviors—especially inconsideration, entitlement, or a lack of self-awareness in others—can feel more than just irritating. They can feel like a violation. A threat.

    And that’s because, in a way, they are—at least to your nervous system.

    Why This Hurts More Than It “Should”

    Many people grow up learning to shrug off inconsiderate behavior. “That’s just how some people are.” “Let it go.” But for those with CEN, it’s not so simple.

    Your nervous system doesn’t just perceive this as rude behavior—it registers it as a personal attack.

    • You might feel a deep resentment, as if you’re being forced to accommodate yet another selfish person.
    • You might feel powerless, like no matter how much you try to be fair and considerate, the world rewards those who take up space without thinking of others.
    • You might feel a sense of injustice, a bubbling anger at how easily they demand recognition while you’ve spent a lifetime making yourself small.

    Your reaction isn’t about this one moment. It’s about all the moments that came before it.

    The Deeper Wound Beneath the Trigger

    1. Hyper-Attunement & Over-Responsibility

    If you grew up in a household where you had to anticipate others’ needs, manage the emotions of caregivers, or avoid conflict by being “the easy child,” then seeing someone act selfishly can feel deeply wrong.

    You were never allowed to behave that way. So why do they get to?

    2. Unspoken Anger & Swallowed Boundaries

    If setting boundaries in your past led to conflict, rejection, or being shut down, then witnessing inconsiderate behavior can trigger the anger you were never allowed to express.

    You learned to swallow your needs. Seeing someone else disregard others with ease can feel like an old injustice resurfacing.

    3. The Fear of Powerlessness

    For many with CEN, power dynamics in childhood were skewed. If your needs were dismissed, if you weren’t protected, if you felt unseen, then encountering entitlement or selfishness in adulthood can feel like being a powerless child again.

    Understanding Your Nervous System’s Response

    When someone acts inconsiderately, your body responds before your mind can rationalize it.

    What’s Happening Inside?

    • Your amygdala (threat center of the brain) perceives the behavior as a violation of safety or fairness.
    • Your nervous system activates—you might go into fight (anger), flight (avoidance), freeze (shutdown), or fawn (people-pleasing to “fix” it).
    • Your brain links this situation to past emotional injuries, making the reaction feel bigger than the present moment.

    This is why pure intellectual understanding (“It’s not a big deal”) doesn’t stop the reaction. The wound needs deeper healing.

    Healing Through Awareness & Reclaiming Your Power

    1. “What’s the Worst That Could Happen?” Visualization

    • The next time you feel triggered, pause and ask:
    • What am I afraid will happen if I don’t react?
    • What’s the worst thing about tolerating this discomfort?
    • Often, the answer reveals the true fear beneath the trigger—powerlessness, invisibility, or being taken advantage of.

    2. The “Tolerating Discomfort” Challenge

    • Instead of immediately reacting, practice sitting with the feeling.
    • Breathe deeply and repeat: \”I don’t have to engage. Their behavior does not define me.\”
    • By learning to tolerate the feeling without acting on it, you start breaking the automatic reaction loop.

    3. “The Opposite Perspective” Exercise

    • Ask yourself: What if their behavior isn’t about me at all?
    • Many inconsiderate people act this way because of their own childhood wounds—a need for control, attention, or validation.
    • Shifting from “They are bad” to “They are unconscious” reduces the emotional charge.

    4. A Self-Trust Checklist for Boundaries

    • Do I actually need to engage, or can I walk away?
    • Am I reacting out of habit or choice?
    • Do I feel safe standing firm in my perspective?
    • What would “holding my boundary” look like in this situation?

    Practical Tools for When the Trigger Hits

    1. Somatic Exercise to Calm the Nervous System

    • Place your hand on your chest and take three slow belly breaths.
    • Say: \”I am safe. I am allowed to take up space.\”

    2. Self-Compassion Prompt

    • Imagine speaking to your younger self:
    • “You are not invisible. You don’t have to accommodate everyone. You are safe.”

    3. Journaling Prompt

    • Who did I have to accommodate in my past?
    • How did that shape my reactions today?

    4. Micro-Boundary Practice

    • Choose one small way to assert yourself today—declining something, taking a pause before responding, or saying \”no\” without explaining.

    Recommended Books & YouTube Channels

    Books:

    • The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel van der Kolk
    • Running on Empty – Jonice Webb
    • Set Boundaries, Find Peace – Nedra Tawwab
    • Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents – Lindsay Gibson

    YouTube Channels:

    • Dr. Ramani (on toxic relationships & boundary setting)
    • Patrick Teahan, LICSW (on emotional neglect & healing)
    • The Holistic Psychologist (on nervous system regulation)

    Closing Reflection

    This trigger isn’t proof of brokenness—it’s proof that a wound is ready to be seen, felt, and healed.

    The next time someone’s inconsiderate behavior makes you feel invisible, powerless, or enraged, pause. You’re not that child anymore. You are safe now. And you can choose how to respond.

    👉 What about you?

    Does this resonate? Have you noticed certain behaviors that trigger you deeply? Share your experiences in the comments—I’d love to hear your thoughts.

    Read next: Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child)

  • Healing Your Relationship with Food: Understanding Emotional Eating and Building New Habits

    Introduction: The Struggle with Food and CEN

    If you’ve ever found yourself skipping meals, relying on junk food, or simply not having the energy to nourish yourself properly, you’re not alone. Many people who have experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) struggle with poor eating habits, often without realizing how deeply their emotional history influences their relationship with food.

    Eating can sometimes feel like a chore, or worse, an emotional burden. Perhaps you eat only when you\’re absolutely starving, or maybe you avoid food altogether. These patterns are not about lack of willpower—they’re a response to deep-rooted emotional neglect. Healing this connection is crucial to restoring your sense of self-worth and your physical well-being.

    In this article, we’ll explore the connection between CEN and poor eating habits, identify potential \”errors\” in your current eating patterns, and provide compassionate guidance to help you begin healing your relationship with food. Along with that, we’ll share practical resources, including books and plant-based recipe channels, to guide your journey towards nurturing your body and soul.

    Signs of Emotional Eating and Unhealthy Habits

    Understanding that your eating habits might be influenced by emotional neglect is the first step toward healing. Below are common signs of poor eating habits:

    1. Skipping Meals or Eating Bare Minimum
      You might often skip meals or fail to prioritize eating. You may not realize it, but this is your body’s way of coping with emotional disconnection or feeling unworthy of care.
    2. Turning to Junk Food for Comfort
      Junk food may be your go-to choice, not because you enjoy it but because it offers a temporary emotional high. The sugar and fat content provide a quick dopamine boost, but this relief is fleeting and leaves you feeling worse in the long run.
    3. Eating Without Pleasure
      Eating might feel like a chore instead of something to enjoy. You may not even notice how you feel after eating—perhaps you\’re numb or disconnected from the experience.
    4. Emotional Eating or Eating to Avoid Feelings
      Emotional triggers, such as stress or sadness, may prompt you to eat, even when you\’re not physically hungry. Eating becomes a way to distract yourself from painful emotions that you’ve been taught to suppress.
    5. Lack of Connection to Food Choices
      You might not think twice about what you’re putting into your body. Perhaps you don\’t have the energy to plan meals, or you feel overwhelmed by making choices, opting for whatever is quickest and easiest.

    Understanding the Root Causes: Emotional Neglect and Disconnection from Your Body

    These patterns of emotional eating are often rooted in CEN. Childhood emotional neglect can create an environment where you were not taught to listen to your body’s needs. If your emotional needs weren’t met as a child, you may struggle to identify hunger cues or feel worthy of self-care. Over time, this lack of connection to your emotional and physical needs can manifest in disordered eating habits.

    In addition to emotional neglect, low self-worth and difficulties with self-compassion often play a role. The belief that you are undeserving of nurturing yourself may underlie your food-related struggles. In these moments, it’s important to be gentle with yourself and acknowledge that these habits developed as a means of survival, not because you are failing.

    Healing Your Relationship with Food: A Path to Self-Nurturing

    Healing from CEN requires a multi-faceted approach that reconnects you with your body’s natural signals and restores your emotional well-being. Below are some key steps to start your healing journey:

    1. Learn to Listen to Your Body
      Start by slowing down and paying attention to how food makes you feel. Are you eating because you’re physically hungry or because you’re emotionally triggered? Learning to tune into your body’s signals will help you reconnect with your physical needs.
    2. Practice Mindful Eating
      Mindful eating encourages you to savor your meals without distractions. Take time to appreciate the textures, colors, and flavors of the food you eat. This practice not only supports digestion but also helps you feel more grounded and emotionally connected.
    3. Nourish Yourself with Whole, Plant-Based Foods
      Plant-based eating is not just good for the body; it’s also a compassionate way to nurture your soul. Whole foods—such as fruits, vegetables, grains, and legumes—provide essential nutrients, help balance your mood, and can give you the energy you need to take better care of yourself.
    4. Shift from Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion
      It’s important to be kind to yourself. Emotional eating habits didn’t develop overnight, and they won’t be healed instantly. Start with small changes and celebrate every step forward, even if it’s as simple as taking a moment to enjoy your next meal or choosing a healthy snack.

    Helpful Books for Healing Your Relationship with Food

    1. \”The Emotional Eating Workbook\” by Karen R. Koenig
      This workbook offers practical tools to help you break the cycle of emotional eating. It provides exercises and strategies to help you understand the emotional triggers behind your eating habits and guide you toward a more nurturing relationship with food.
    2. \”Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program That Works\” by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch
      This classic book focuses on the practice of intuitive eating, teaching you to listen to your body\’s signals rather than following restrictive diets. It helps you rebuild trust with your body and feel empowered to make food choices that support your overall well-being.

    Recipe Channels to Support Your Healing Journey

    1. Pick Up Limes
      Sadia’s channel offers a variety of plant-based recipes that are both nourishing and easy to prepare. From nutrient-packed salads to comforting stews, Pick Up Limes teaches you how to nourish your body with whole foods that are kind to your soul.
      Channel link: Pick Up Limes on YouTube
    2. The Whole Food Plant-Based Cooking Show
      This channel is all about preparing wholesome, plant-based meals that fuel your body without compromising on taste. It’s perfect for anyone looking to create delicious and healthy meals with simple ingredients.
      Channel link: The Whole Food Plant-Based Cooking Show

    Other Resources for Healing and Self-Compassion

    1. Mindful Eating with Dr. Susan Albers
      Dr. Albers offers mindfulness strategies that help you build a healthier relationship with food. Her techniques can help you become more aware of emotional eating triggers and cultivate a mindful approach to nourishment.
      Channel link: Mindful Eating with Dr. Susan Albers
    2. Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff
      Kristin Neff’s website offers free guided meditations and exercises that focus on building self-compassion. These resources are essential in the healing process, especially for those who struggle with feelings of unworthiness related to their eating habits.
      Website link: Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff

    Practical Tips for Overcoming Specific Barriers:

    Barrier 1: Lack of Time
    If you feel like there’s never enough time to cook nourishing meals, start small. A simple way to make time for healthy eating is to batch cook or meal prep at the start of the week. Prepare a few key ingredients (e.g., quinoa, roasted vegetables, grains) and store them in the fridge. This way, you can assemble quick meals throughout the week without the pressure of cooking from scratch every day.

    Quick Meal Ideas for Busy Days:

    • Veggie and Hummus Wraps: Use whole grain wraps, fresh veggies, and a scoop of hummus for a nutrient-packed lunch.
    • One-Pan Roasted Veggies with a Grain: Toss your favorite veggies with olive oil, salt, pepper, and herbs, then roast them with cooked quinoa or rice.
    • Smoothie Bowls: Blend frozen fruit, spinach, almond milk, and a protein source like chia seeds. Top with nuts, granola, or coconut.

    Barrier 2: Emotional Triggers
    If you find that emotions like stress, loneliness, or sadness lead to unhealthy eating habits, try practicing emotional awareness. The next time you feel an emotional trigger, pause and ask yourself, “Am I truly hungry, or am I trying to soothe something else?” Creating space for this reflection allows you to become more mindful about food choices and seek healthier coping mechanisms, like meditation, walking, or journaling.

    Barrier 3: Overwhelm in Food Decisions
    If choosing what to eat feels overwhelming, simplify by creating a basic meal template. Think of it like a guide to help you make easy, nutritious choices without stressing over what to cook each time.

    • Grain: Quinoa, brown rice, oats
    • Protein: Lentils, beans, chickpeas, tofu, nuts
    • Veggies: Leafy greens, carrots, zucchini, onions
    • Healthy Fats: Avocado, olive oil, nuts, seeds

    Mindful Eating Prompts:

    A wonderful way to cultivate a more loving and balanced relationship with food is to introduce mindful eating. Here are some prompts you can use before, during, and after eating to encourage mindfulness:

    Before Eating:

    • “Am I physically hungry or emotionally hungry?”
    • “How does my body feel right now? Am I tense, relaxed, tired?”
    • “What do I want to eat? How do I want to feel after eating?”

    During Eating:

    • “How does each bite taste? What flavors and textures do I notice?”
    • “How does my body feel as I eat this? Am I satisfied?”
    • “What am I feeling emotionally while eating this food?”

    After Eating:

    • “How do I feel now? Is there still hunger, or have I been nourished?”
    • “What emotions did I experience during the meal?”
    • “Is there anything I need in this moment—more food, rest, comfort?”

    Incorporating Seasonal Foods:

    Eating seasonally is a wonderful way to reconnect with nature and nourish both your body and spirit. As we move into spring, it’s the perfect time to begin incorporating fresh greens and lighter meals that bring energy and renewal.

    Spring Seasonal Foods to Incorporate:

    • Leafy Greens: Arugula, spinach, dandelion greens, and kale are bursting with vitamins and minerals that support the body’s detoxifying processes.
    • Asparagus: Known for its role in kidney health, it’s a great seasonal vegetable for boosting energy and digestion.
    • Radishes: With their sharp, refreshing taste, radishes help to stimulate digestion and cleanse the liver.
    • Herbs: Dill, parsley, cilantro, and mint can be used in fresh salads, smoothies, and teas, promoting detoxification and vitality.

    Incorporating these ingredients into your meals can add brightness and health benefits, helping you feel more aligned with the season.

    Looking for seasonal recipes? Check out my favourite ones here.

    Tracking Progress:

    One of the most supportive things you can do on your healing journey is to track your progress. Not just what you eat, but also how you feel about food, how your body responds, and the emotional shifts you may experience.

    Suggestions for Tracking:

    • Create a Simple Food Journal: In addition to writing down what you eat, record how you feel before and after meals. Do you feel energized, heavy, or calm? This journal can help you discover patterns.
    • Emotional Eating Reflection: Note moments when you eat out of emotional hunger. Write down what you were feeling at that time (e.g., stress, sadness) and consider healthier ways to cope with those emotions.
    • Celebrate Small Wins: Tracking doesn’t just have to be about noting challenges. Write about any positive shifts—whether it’s choosing a nourishing meal or noticing that your cravings are becoming less frequent.

    Conclusion: A Journey of Reconnection and Healing

    Healing your relationship with food is a process that takes time, self-compassion, and patience. Through the combination of mindful eating practices, nourishing plant-based foods, and self-compassion, you can begin to rebuild the emotional connection to your body that may have been lost due to emotional neglect. Remember: healing is not about perfection but about small, meaningful steps that lead you toward greater balance, well-being, and connection with yourself.

    As you explore these resources and experiment with the suggested practices, be gentle with yourself. Healing from emotional eating, especially when it’s tied to childhood neglect, takes time. Trust that with each step you take toward nourishing yourself, you’re creating a life that is more grounded in self-care and emotional fulfillment.

    You are worthy of this journey, and every step you take is a powerful act of healing. Begin where you are, and remember: you are not alone.

    Have you experienced challenges with emotional eating or connecting to your body’s needs? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Leave a comment below and share your journey—together, we can support each other in healing and reclaiming a nurturing relationship with food.