Tag: control issues

You’ve carefully planned out every detail of an important project, trip, or even just your day. Then, suddenly—something changes. Your heart pounds, frustration rises, and you scramble to regain control. Maybe you shut down, lash out, or feel the urge to fix everything immediately. But why does something as simple as a shift in plans feel so deeply unsettling?

Using Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we’ll explore how this reaction is often a sign of unhealed wounds from the past—and how to work with the parts of you that are trying to protect you from pain.

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Recognizing the Inner System at Play: A Real-Life Example

Imagine this: You and your partner are in the middle of designing your dream home. You’ve put weeks into carefully planning every detail—where the windows will go, the materials you’ll use. Then, unexpectedly, your partner suggests a major change to the layout.

Your reaction is immediate:

• You feel tense, irritated, and overwhelmed.
• You argue about why the original plan is better.
• When they push back, your heart races, your chest tightens, and frustration turns into panic.
• You become rigid and controlling, insisting that your way is best.

It’s only later, when the emotions settle, that you realize your reaction felt much bigger than the situation warranted.

What’s really happening? Let’s break it down using IFS.

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Understanding Your Internal System: Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters

In IFS, we see the mind as made up of different \”parts\” that each have a role in protecting you from pain.

1. The Exile (The Wounded Inner Child)
   • Core wound: A deep sense of powerlessness from childhood.
   • In this example: You were forced to move houses as a child. You had no say in the decision—where you lived, what furniture was taken, or how your space changed. You had to silently endure the loss, with no one helping you process it emotionally. This wounded, powerless part of you is now hidden deep inside—an Exile.
2. The Manager (The Control-Seeker)
   • Core strategy: Prevent you from ever feeling powerless again.
   • In this example: As soon as your partner suggests a change, your Manager part jumps in: “We have to keep control! We must not let this happen again!” This part sees flexibility as dangerous because it reminds you of past helplessness.
3. The Firefighter (The Panic Response)
   • Core strategy: Stop the overwhelming feelings—at any cost.
   • In this example: When your Manager’s attempts to control the situation don’t work, your Firefighter partactivates. This can look like:
     • A panic attack or intense frustration
     • Wanting to shut down or escape
     • Using distractions (e.g., suddenly scrolling your phone, drinking, binge-watching TV) to numb out

Each of these parts is trying to protect you, but their methods often create distress instead.

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How to Begin Healing: Working with Your Parts

The key to breaking this cycle is learning to turn inward with curiosity instead of reacting automatically. Here’s a step-by-step guide to working with your system in real time:

Step 1: Pause and Name Your Parts

When you feel that familiar tightness in your chest or urge to control, take a breath and ask yourself:

• “Who is showing up right now? A controlling Manager? A panicked Firefighter?”
• “What is this part afraid will happen if I don’t react this way?”

By naming the part, you begin to unblend from it—which means you are no longer fully merged with it, but instead becoming an observer.

Step 2: Validate and Soften Toward Your Parts

Instead of fighting your reaction, thank your parts for their efforts:

• “I see that my Manager is trying to keep me safe.”
• “My Firefighter is panicking because it doesn’t want me to feel powerless.”

This reduces inner resistance and makes healing possible.

Step 3: Identify the Exile’s Original Wound

Ask yourself:

• “When was the first time I felt like this?”
• “What was happening in my childhood when I felt powerless?”
• “What did I need back then that I didn’t receive?”

This allows you to recognize the childhood roots of your reactions.

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Somatic Practices: Releasing Control from the Body

Since powerlessness is deeply felt in the nervous system, working with the body is crucial.

1. Grounding Exercise: The 5-4-3-2-1 Method
   • When you feel panic rising, engage your senses:
     • 5 things you see
     • 4 things you touch
     • 3 things you hear
     • 2 things you smell
     • 1 thing you taste
   • This helps your brain shift from fear mode to the present moment.
2. Anchoring Safety with Breathwork
   • Breathe in deeply for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 6 seconds.
   • As you exhale, repeat to yourself: “I am safe. I have a choice.”
3. Self-Soothing Touch
   • Place your hand on your heart or stomach.
   • Say gently: “I’m here for you. I see you. You’re safe now.”

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Advanced IFS Techniques for Deep Healing

Now that we’ve identified the parts at play—the Manager trying to control, the Firefighter panicking, and the Exile holding the original wound—let’s explore deeper healing techniques.

These methods help you move beyond surface-level coping and transform your relationship with your inner system.

1. The U-Turn: Turning Your Attention Inward

When we feel triggered, we instinctively focus on external factors (“My partner is being unreasonable!”), but true healing requires a U-Turn:

• Instead of blaming the situation, ask:
  • “What is this reaction showing me about myself?”
  • “Which part of me is most activated right now?”

By shifting focus inward, we stop fighting reality and start healing the inner wounds that fuel our reactions.

2. Direct Access: Talking to Your Parts with Compassion

You can initiate healing without needing to access deep meditation by simply speaking to your parts directly.

Try this script:

1. To the Manager (control-seeker):
   • “I see how hard you’re working to keep me safe. Thank you.”
   • “What are you most afraid would happen if you let go of control?”
2. To the Firefighter (panic response):
   • “I know you’re just trying to protect me from overwhelming feelings.”
   • “What do you need from me to feel safe without reacting so intensely?”
3. To the Exile (wounded inner child):
   • “I see you. I remember how powerless you felt.”
   • “You are not alone anymore. I am here with you now.”

The key is compassion and curiosity—never forcing a part to change before it feels safe.

3. Reparenting the Exile: Giving Yourself What You Never Had

The Exile holds a frozen memory of past pain. Healing happens when you (from your Self—your wise, centered core) offer it the love and support it never received.

• Step into your adult Self and visualize sitting with your younger self.
• Ask:
  • “What did you need back then that you didn’t get?”
  • “What words would have comforted you?”
• Imagine giving your younger self exactly that—whether it’s validation, a hug, or a sense of choice.

This process reshapes the nervous system and reduces automatic panic responses over time.

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How These Patterns Affect Relationships

IFS isn’t just about self-awareness—it transforms how we relate to others.

Without awareness, our parts hijack communication:

• Manager-driven control: “We have to stick to the plan!”
• Firefighter-driven avoidance: “I just need to get out of here.”
• Exile-driven emotional outbursts: “You never listen to me!”

With awareness, we can communicate from Self:

• “When plans change suddenly, I feel overwhelmed. It reminds me of past situations where I had no choice. I need some time to process before responding.”

This shift fosters connection instead of conflict.

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Recommended Books and Videos for Deeper Work

Books:

• \”No Bad Parts\” – Dr. Richard Schwartz (Founder of IFS)
• \”The Body Keeps the Score\” – Dr. Bessel van der Kolk (Trauma’s impact on the nervous system)
• \”Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents\” – Dr. Lindsay Gibson (Healing childhood wounds)

Videos & YouTube Channels:

• IFS Institute (Official IFS resources)
• The Holistic Psychologist (Inner child healing & nervous system work)
• Dr. Gabor Maté (Understanding trauma’s long-term impact)

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Free Downloadable Worksheet: Healing Control and Panic with IFS

This free guide will help you work through control-based reactions using IFS. Take your time—true healing happens in small steps.

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Final Thoughts: Moving from Panic to Peace

Panic in response to change isn’t a flaw—it’s a survival strategy from your past. By turning inward with curiosity and compassion, you can heal the root wounds and free yourself from the cycle of control and fear.

Now, I’d love to hear from you:

• What parts of this article resonated with you?
• Have you noticed similar patterns in yourself?

Let’s open up the conversation in the comments!

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