We enter parenthood with the quiet promise: I will never do what was done to me.
But wounds we never chose can speak through us in moments we least expect: a sharp word at bedtime, the emptiness we feel when our child’s eyes search for comfort we can’t seem to offer.
If you’ve felt this, you are not alone — and you are not broken.
These are the echoes of childhood wounds, what trauma therapist Pete Walker calls the “8 types of childhood trauma”:four forms of abuse, and four of neglect.
They shape not just our feelings, but the way we hold our children, speak to them, even see them.
“Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.”
— Gabor Maté
In this pillar, we’ll walk through these eight wounds — and open a path to something different. A softer way forward. One where noticing is the beginning of healing.
📖 The wounds we carry
Pete Walker’s framework (Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, 2013) gives language to what often feels wordless:
- 4 abuses: physical, verbal/emotional, sexual, spiritual
- 4 neglects: physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual
They often overlap; a home with shouting may also be emotionally neglectful; a strict, punishing religion may be both spiritually abusive and neglectful.
But what unites them is this: each leaves a child with unmet needs and beliefs about love, safety, and worth. And as parents, we often parent from those beliefs — unless we pause and look inside.
“The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth.”
— African proverb (quoted by Bessel van der Kolk in The Body Keeps the Score)
🌾 Why the cycle repeats — and how we gently break it
These wounds don’t live only in memory. They live in what IFS (Internal Family Systems) calls our parts:
- The protector that shouts when chaos feels too close
- The numbing part that goes silent when a child cries
- The inner child that still aches to be seen
When we’re tired, stressed, or triggered, these parts can take the wheel.
And without awareness, we pass the wound forward: our children learn the same lessons about emotion, love, and safety.
But here’s the hope: noticing is not passive.
Noticing is the first act of interruption.
From there, with curiosity and compassion, we can begin to parent from a different place: the grounded “Self” that IFS describes — calm, connected, and clear.
🌿 The eight wounds — and their echoes in parenting
Below, you’ll find a brief reflection on each wound, drawn from Walker’s work and from my own reading and writing on childhood emotional neglect (CEN).
Each is linked to a deeper piece that explores:
- What childhood looked like under this wound
- The unconscious ways it shows up when we parent
- How to gently step out of the cycle: mindset shifts, practical tools, and IFS reflections
- A free downloadable guide with scripts, journal prompts, and daily exercises
🟥 4 Types of Abuse
1️⃣ Physical abuse
When punishment crossed into violence or threat.
Modern echo: Grabbing a child roughly, fear that “they must obey or I’ll lose control.”
2️⃣ Verbal/Emotional abuse
Words that humiliated, shamed, belittled.
Modern echo: Shouting when we promised not to, or freezing because setting limits feels “mean.”
3️⃣ Sexual abuse
Violation of bodily autonomy or exposure to sexual content.
Modern echo: Overcontrol about privacy, fear in naming body parts, or discomfort around children’s sexuality.
4️⃣ Spiritual abuse
Faith enforced through fear, guilt, or punishment.
Modern echo: Rejecting all spiritual conversation — or unconsciously using guilt to keep kids “good.”
🟦 4 Types of Neglect
5️⃣ Physical neglect
Basic needs unmet: hunger, cold, medical care.
Modern echo: Chaos around routines, or rigid control over food and sleep.
6️⃣ Emotional neglect (sometimes called CEN)
No help naming, soothing, or understanding feelings.
Modern echo: Shutting down when kids cry, telling them “Stop, you’re fine.”
7️⃣ Intellectual neglect
Dismissed questions, curiosity stifled.
Modern echo: Feeling drained by kids’ “whys,” or not knowing how to nurture wonder.
8️⃣ Spiritual neglect
No safe place to explore meaning, belonging, or values.
Modern echo: Feeling rootless; unable to pass on family values or create shared rituals.
Pick the wound that feels most alive for you — or the one you fear facing most.
It’s often the best place to start.
🌱 A new story is possible
If you see yourself here, it doesn’t mean you’re doomed to repeat the past.
The moment you notice, you have stepped outside the automatic cycle.
With gentleness, curiosity, and the language of your own parts, you can build a new pattern — one small repair, one softer word, one slower breath at a time.
“You do not pass on what you did transform.”
— adapted from Carl Jung
✨ How this series will help
For each wound, you’ll find:
- Real, everyday examples of how it plays out in modern parenting
- Reflections on what your childhood might have looked like — and why it shaped you this way
- How the pattern risks being passed to your children
- Practical scripts, mindset shifts, IFS reflections
- A free guide with journaling prompts, exercises, and words to say when you don’t know what to say
Because breaking the cycle isn’t about perfection.
It’s about noticing, softening, and choosing differently — again and again.
Next Step: Gently Break the Cycle of Physical Abuse
The first wound in this series is Physical Abuse — when discipline crossed into threat or harm, and how its ghost can appear in the moments we feel most out of control.
In this guide, you’ll find:
- How physical abuse shapes us as children and parents
- Why we might still feel fear or anger in our bodies
- Gentle ways to pause before the old pattern repeats
- Real scripts to use when you feel pushed to the edge
- An IFS reflection for noticing the parts inside
- A free downloadable guide with journaling prompts and calming exercises
Read it now: How to Break the Cycle of Physical Abuse in Parenting →
You are not doomed to repeat it. You’re already changing it.
📚 References & Suggested Reading
- Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.
- Schwartz, R. (2021). No Bad Parts.
- van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score.
- Maté, G. (2003). When the Body Says No.
- Webb, J. (2013). Running on Empty — on childhood emotional neglect
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