Healing the Void: From CEN to Wholeness, A Psychological and Seasonal Journey

Category: Attachment Styles and Their Impact on Relationships

  • Preparing Your Toddler for a New Baby: Honest Expectations and Gentle Transitions for a Strong Sibling Bond

    Why Lowering Expectations Is Key to a Strong Sibling Bond

    When you’re pregnant with your second baby, it’s tempting to paint a rosy picture of what’s coming. You want your toddler to feel excited, included, and loved—but promising that “the baby will be your new best friend” or “you’ll have someone to play with all day” may backfire.

    Toddlers Think in the Present

    Toddlers live in the now. Telling them they’re getting a playmate sets up expectations for shared fun and immediate companionship. But newborns don’t offer that. Instead, they sleep, nurse, cry, and often take up a huge portion of the caregiver\’s attention. This mismatch between expectation and reality can make the toddler feel:

    • Betrayed: “You said I’d have someone to play with. Why is this baby always crying?”
    • Jealous: “Everyone is fussing over the baby, and I don’t even like him.”
    • Abandoned: “I used to be the center of your world, and now I don’t know where I belong.”

    Research from Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow emphasizes that when toddlers are told the truth in an emotionally safe way, they are more likely to adapt and develop healthy sibling relationships over time.

    What to Say Instead: Gentle Truth-Telling with Hope

    Being honest doesn’t mean being negative. It means framing reality with emotional safety. Here are phrases you can use to balance realism and connection:

    Examples of What to Say:

    • “When the baby is born, he’ll cry a lot, and he’ll need milk and sleep. That’s how babies grow.”
    • “You might feel a little bored or mad sometimes. That’s okay. We’ll still have special time together.”
    • “One day, your sibling will grow and learn to walk and play. It just takes time.”
    • “You don’t have to love the baby right away. We’re all getting to know each other.”
    • “Even when I’m holding the baby, I always have love for you.”

    Practice Phrases in Advance

    Children learn through repetition. Practice these phrases during playtime, storytime, or when pointing to pictures of babies. You’re helping your toddler develop a narrative of adjustment—a sense that they are safe and seen, no matter how the baby behaves.

    Practical tip: Create a small “script” of go-to sentences you can use when emotions run high. Laminate and hang it in your kitchen or nursery.

    Gentle Timing—Avoiding Major Life Changes Around Birth

    One of the most overlooked ways to support a healthy sibling relationship is by minimizing other major changes in your toddler’s life during the months surrounding the birth. Even small disruptions—like switching beds, weaning abruptly, or starting daycare—can be emotionally destabilizing when layered on top of a new sibling’s arrival.

    Why Timing Matters for Toddlers

    Toddlers thrive on predictability. Their nervous systems are still developing the capacity to self-regulate, and they draw their emotional stability from consistency in caregiving, sleep, routines, and environment.

    According to attachment researcher Dr. Allan Schore, abrupt changes during developmental transitions (like becoming a sibling) can lead to increased emotional reactivity and feelings of insecurity. These are often expressed through tantrums, sleep regressions, and aggression toward the baby—not out of malice, but as a cry for re-connection.

    Avoid These Changes Around the Time of Birth (if possible):

    • Weaning (breast or bottle)
    • Sleep transitions (crib to bed, own room, night weaning)
    • Potty training
    • Starting or stopping daycare
    • Moving house or redecorating their space
    • Cutting back time with a primary caregiver (especially the birthing parent)

    What to Do Instead:

    1. Keep What’s Working—for Now

    If your toddler is still nursing, co-sleeping, or being carried, continue those practices after birth if you can. You don’t have to “prepare them to be more independent” before the baby arrives. In fact, trying to do so may backfire.

    Example:
    If your toddler still nurses, consider tandem nursing (if comfortable). This can reinforce their sense of connection rather than competition.

    2. Babywear and Stay Mobile

    Wearing your newborn gives them the closeness they need while keeping your hands free and your toddler in focus.

    Real-life rhythm: Wear the newborn and head to the park, forest, or a favorite café. Let your toddler lead the adventure while the baby sleeps close to your heart.

    3. Delay What You Can

    If changes must happen (e.g. moving out of the family bed), plan them at least 3 months before or several months afterthe birth so they don’t get emotionally associated with “the baby ruined everything.”

    Gentle Alternatives for Inevitable Transitions:

    • Potty learning? Use play-based, slow exposure, and no pressure.
    • Changing sleep? Co-sleep with both kids for a while if needed. Let the older one leave the family bed when they’re ready.
    • Need to wean? Gradual weaning with connection-rich substitutions (back rubs, song, cuddle) preserves emotional safety.

    Reassuring Phrases for Toddlers Facing Change:

    • “You’re still little too, and I will help you when you need me.”
    • “You don’t have to grow up all at once just because the baby is small.”
    • “We’ll figure this out together, one day at a time.”

    Playing Favorites (on Purpose): Babywear One, Play with the Other

    It may feel counterintuitive—but one of the kindest things you can do for your newborn is to focus on your toddler. The baby doesn’t yet feel rivalry. Your toddler does. In those early weeks and months, the toddler needs to feel they still belong, matter deeply, and have a secure place in your heart and arms.

    Why Babywearing Makes This Possible

    When your newborn is snuggled close in a sling or carrier, they receive:

    • Warmth and regulation through your heartbeat and breath
    • Touch and movement, both calming and developmentally beneficial
    • Bonding and safety from your scent and voice

    At the same time, this leaves your arms, attention, and eye contact free for the child who most needs reassurance right now—your toddler.

    What to Prioritize: Quality Toddler Time

    Example routines:

    • Go outside daily with the toddler—playground, nature walks, tricycle rides—while baby sleeps in the carrier.
    • Involve your toddler in rituals of importance: helping pick out the baby’s clothes, making a snack, or “teaching” the baby a song.
    • Create “spotlight time” every day—even 10 minutes of undivided attention (no phone, no interruptions) can regulate your toddler’s nervous system.

    Research insight: According to Dr. Aletha Solter, uninterrupted one-on-one time with the parent after a sibling’s birth dramatically reduces tantrums and improves sibling bonding over time.

    Make the Baby “Background” for Now

    Rather than trying to get your toddler to engage with the baby immediately, let the baby simply exist around them, while you direct most of your warm attention toward the older child. Let curiosity arise organically, rather than pushing affection or involvement.

    What this might sound like:

    • “I’m here with you. Baby’s just riding along.”
    • “I’m watching your big jump! Baby can’t jump yet, but you can.”
    • “You don’t have to talk to the baby. I’ll talk to you.”

    Let the toddler witness that they are not being replaced—they are still central to the family’s emotional life.

    Bonus Tip: Create a “Toddler First” Morning Ritual

    In those early weeks, your toddler may wake with a full emotional tank of need. If possible, greet them first, even if briefly, before tending to the baby.

    Example:
    Snuggle in bed and say, “I’m so glad to see you this morning. You are my first sunshine today.” Then transition to feeding or diapering the baby.

    Emotion Coaching Big Feelings About the Baby (Jealousy, Regression, Anger)

    It’s normal—even healthy—for toddlers to express mixed or negative feelings about a new sibling. But many parents feel alarmed when their toddler lashes out, regresses, or says things like “Send the baby back.” These reactions are not signs of failure, but rather signs that your toddler is safe enough to express their truth.

    Your Toddler\’s Behavior Is a Message

    According to Dr. Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, young children often “flip their lids” when overwhelmed—what looks like bad behavior is often a cry for connection and co-regulation. Your toddler isn’t rejecting the baby—they’re asking:
    “Do I still belong? Am I still safe? Do you still love me?”

    Common Emotional Reactions and How to Support Them

    1. Jealousy or Rivalry

    “Why does the baby always get to go first?”
    “You love the baby more than me!”

    What to say:

    • “It’s hard to share me, isn’t it? You are just as important to me as ever.”
    • “You don’t have to love the baby. I will keep loving both of you.”

    What to do:
    Let them express resentment without guilt-tripping or rushing to fix it. Emotions don’t need correction—they need presence.

    2. Regression

    You may see:

    • Accidents after being potty trained
    • Requesting bottles or baby talk
    • Needing help with things they used to do independently

    What it means: Regression is not manipulation—it’s a coping strategy. Your toddler is saying: “I need to be your baby too.”

    What to do:
    Lean in with empathy, not frustration. Let them be “the baby” sometimes—rock them, swaddle them in a blanket, play peekaboo. This restores their sense of inclusion.

    3. Aggression

    “I want to hit the baby!”
    “I pushed him because he touched my toy.”

    What to say:

    • “You can feel angry. I won’t let you hurt the baby.”
    • “Let’s find a safe way for that anger to move—want to stomp your feet with me?”

    What to do:
    Redirect rather than punish. Offer physical outlets like jumping, drumming, or hitting a pillow. And don’t forget to narrate the feeling: “That’s frustration. It’s okay to feel it.”

    Helpful Phrases to Use Often:

    • “There’s room for both of you in my heart.”
    • “You can always come to me with your feelings.”
    • “You were my baby too, and you still are in many ways.”
    • “It’s okay to wish things were different.”

    Research Backing:

    • Emotion coaching, as studied by John Gottman, helps children develop emotional intelligence and increases resilience.
    • Secure attachment isn’t about removing all distress, but helping the child feel held through it.

    What to Say (and What Not to Say) When Preparing Your Toddler

    The way we talk to toddlers about the new baby shapes their expectations, emotions, and experience. Many well-meaning parents accidentally set their older child up for disappointment by painting an overly rosy picture—one that doesn’t match the baby’s actual behavior.

    Let’s make space for honesty, empathy, and realistic hope.

    What Not to Say:

    1. “You’re going to have a best friend!”

    While sweet, this sets up the idea of an immediate playmate, when in reality, the baby won’t be capable of interaction for many months.

    2. “You’re going to be the best big brother/sister!”

    Though meant as encouragement, this can feel like pressure. Your toddler might interpret this as: “I have to behave perfectly now.”

    3. “You’ll have to help a lot when the baby comes.”

    That sounds like a burden. Toddlers thrive when they feel helpful by choice—not when they\’re made to feel responsible.

    What to Say Instead (with Examples)

    Be honest about what babies are like:

    • “Newborns cry, sleep, and drink milk. That’s their job right now.”
    • “At first, the baby won’t know how to play. But later on, they’ll learn to laugh and crawl—and maybe even chase you!”
    • “Sometimes babies cry a lot. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or them—it’s just how they talk.”

    Affirm your toddler’s role without pressure:

    • “You’ll always be my first baby.”
    • “You don’t have to love the baby right away. Feelings take time.”
    • “If you ever feel mad or sad, you can always tell me.”

    Include them meaningfully:

    • “Do you want to help pick out a song for the baby?”
    • “Let’s draw what our family will look like when the baby comes.”

    Special Note: Avoiding Comparison

    Even phrases like “You were such a good baby” can be triggering for a toddler—especially if they’re struggling emotionally.

    Instead, try:

    • “You cried too when you were tiny—that’s what babies do.”
    • “Every baby has their own rhythm. This one’s still learning how to be in the world.”

    Helpful Visuals and Stories

    Many toddlers benefit from simple, developmentally-appropriate books and drawings about babies. Look for books that show the actual behaviors of newborns—not just siblings smiling and playing.

    Examples:

    • “Hello in There!” by Jo Witek
    • “Waiting for Baby” by Rachel Fuller
    • “We Have a Baby” by Cathryn Falwell

    You can also draw a comic-style story featuring your toddler as the main character getting used to life with a baby.

    Preventing Resentment – Practical Routines and Boundaries That Help

    Even when toddlers are well-prepared, resentment can still arise. After all, their world is changing—and the baby takes up a lot of your time and energy. To soften the blow and protect the sibling bond, it\’s crucial to establish routines and boundaries that support both children’s needs.

    1. Minimize Major Changes Before and After the Birth

    If you need to:

    • Wean
    • Change sleeping arrangements
    • Transition out of babywearing
    • Start daycare

    Do it several months before the birth, if possible. Abrupt changes right before or after the baby arrives can be perceived as rejection.

    If change can’t be avoided:

    • Let the toddler grieve.
    • Give choices where possible (“Do you want to sleep in the top or bottom bunk?”).
    • Frame it as a growing-up milestone: “You’re ready for this new bed!”—but without implying they’ve been “replaced.”

    2. Keep the Toddler Close—Even With the Baby

    This is especially powerful:

    • Babywear the newborn so your hands are free to play with your toddler.
    • Breastfeed while reading to or cuddling the older sibling.
    • Invite your toddler into caregiving routines: “Can you pass me the wipes?” or “Want to pick the baby’s socks today?”

    Bonus Tip: Use “team language”:

    • “Let’s help our baby feel safe.”
    • “We’re all learning how to be a family of four.”

    3. Protect Toddler Time

    Even 10–15 minutes of focused one-on-one time each day where the toddler leads (and the phone is away) can make a big difference.

    Name this time something special:

    • “Mommy-and-me time”
    • “Our cuddle corner”
    • “Just us story time”

    They’ll look forward to it and feel reassured that you still see them.

    4. Normalize Mixed Feelings

    Toddlers may say:

    • “I want to throw the baby away.”
    • “I don’t like the baby.”
    • Or act out physically (hitting, regressing).

    Instead of shaming, try:

    • “You’re mad. You wish the baby would go away. That’s okay to feel.”
    • “I won’t let you hit, but I’ll always listen to your feelings.”
    • “Sometimes you wish things were how they used to be. Me too, a little.”

    5. Teach Through Play

    Dolls, stuffed animals, and pretend play can help toddlers:

    • Rehearse baby care
    • Act out frustration safely
    • Practice empathy and gain mastery

    Let them be the caregiver sometimes. They may surprise you.

    6. Accept That You Can’t Prevent All Jealousy

    This isn’t about perfect parenting—it’s about repair, honesty, and connection. The sibling bond is built over years, not days.

    Supporting the Toddler’s Emotional World Through Regression, Aggression, and Grief

    Toddlers grieve the arrival of a sibling—even if they like the baby. They’re mourning the loss of exclusive access to you, the change in routines, and the unpredictability of their world.

    This grief often shows up through behaviors, not words.

    Common Signs of Grief in Toddlers:

    • Regression: Wanting to nurse again, using baby talk, asking to be carried
    • Aggression: Hitting the baby, throwing toys, yelling “Go away!”
    • Withdrawal or Clinginess: Either tuning out or needing you constantly
    • Sleep Changes: Night waking, needing more reassurance
    • Toilet Training Reversals: Accidents after having been dry

    These are not signs of failure. They’re emotional expressions.

    What Helps

    1. Name the Emotion Behind the Behavior

    Instead of correcting, start by connecting:

    • “Are you feeling left out?”
    • “I wonder if you miss when it was just us.”
    • “I hear you. You wish I didn’t have to feed the baby right now.”

    Even when you can’t meet the wish, acknowledging it brings relief.

    2. Offer Safe Ways to Express Big Feelings

    • Give a pillow to punch or a stomp spot for anger.
    • Let them yell into a blanket or pretend a stuffed animal feels the same way they do.
    • Create a “calm corner” with sensory tools: soft fabric, lavender sachets, fidget toys, or music.

    3. Use Stories and Metaphors

    Toddlers learn best through narrative.

    Tell stories like:

    • “Once there was a little bear who had to share his cave…”
    • “This is our nest. Now we have a new chick. It takes time for nests to feel cozy again.”

    You can even make up a bedtime story about your toddler’s day—highlighting their feelings and the ways you stayed connected.

    4. Nurture Through Regression

    Sometimes, the best approach is to welcome the regression.

    If your toddler wants to:

    • Be rocked
    • Be spoon-fed
    • Wear the baby carrier

    …let them, when possible. It doesn’t mean they’re backsliding—it means they’re trying to re-anchor their place in your love.

    5. Build In Rituals of Reconnection

    Even something as small as:

    • Singing a special “just us” song
    • Whispering secrets before bed
    • Making snack time a silly game

    …can remind your toddler that your bond is unbreakable—even as your family grows.

    Quote to Hold:

    “Sometimes, the older child doesn’t need reassurance that they are still loved. They need proof—daily, consistent proof through connection.”
    — Dr. Laura Markham, Aha Parenting

    Sample Scripts for Real-Life Moments

    When you\’re sleep-deprived and juggling two little ones, finding the right words can be hard. This section offers compassionate, toddler-friendly language to help you navigate tricky moments with grace and clarity.

    1. When Your Toddler Says “I Don’t Like the Baby”

    Instead of:
    “Don’t say that, you love him!”

    Try:

    • “It’s okay to feel that way. Sometimes I feel frustrated too.”
    • “You don’t have to like the baby all the time. I’m still here for you.”

    2. When Your Toddler Demands Attention While You’re Feeding the Baby

    Instead of:
    “Not now! I’m busy with the baby.”

    Try:

    • “I see you want me. That’s important to me. Let’s make a plan for what we’ll do when baby is done eating.”
    • “You can sit next to me and we’ll tell a story together while I feed your sibling.”

    3. When You See Signs of Jealousy

    Instead of:
    “Stop being mean to the baby!”

    Try:

    • “You’re having big feelings. You miss when I could hold just you.”
    • “I love both of you, and I always have space for you.”

    4. When Your Toddler Acts Out Physically

    Instead of:
    “Time out!”

    Try:

    • “I won’t let you hit. Let’s find another way to show your feelings.”
    • “Are you needing more time with me? Let’s make that happen after snack time.”

    5. When Your Toddler Wants to Be ‘Baby’ Again

    Instead of:
    “You’re not a baby anymore.”

    Try:

    • “You want to be close to me like when you were little. Let’s cuddle and read like we used to.”
    • “You’re my big kid and my baby forever. Come here, sweetie.”

    6. When You Have to Leave the Room or Care for the Baby First

    Instead of:
    “You’re fine, I’ll be back soon.”

    Try:

    • “I’ll be right back, and then it’s your turn.”
    • “I know it’s hard to wait. I’ll come get you when I’m done with the baby.”

    These scripts are meant to be adapted to your voice, your child, and your real-life circumstances. You don’t have to be perfect—just present, curious, and kind.

    Free printable resource: Easing the Shift from One to Two

    Welcoming a new baby is a tender, beautiful transition—but for a toddler, it can feel confusing, overwhelming, or even threatening. The relationship between siblings begins long before the baby can smile or play, and how we talk about the change can make a lasting difference.

    This printable resource offers simple, compassionate tools to help your toddler understand what’s coming, feel emotionally safe, and begin building connection with their baby sibling from the very start. It includes:

    • A gentle script to introduce the newborn
    • A checklist of toddler-prep activities for the final trimester
    • Ritual ideas for connection and sibling bonding
    • Real-life scripts for common daily challenges
    • Calming affirmations for you, the parent, as you navigate both children’s needs

    Whether you’re in your final weeks of pregnancy or adjusting to life with two, this guide supports you in nurturing both connection and resilience in your growing family.

    Download for free

    Further Support: Books & Resources

    Parenting through big transitions calls for support, insight, and a reminder that you\’re not alone. Here are some thoughtful, research-based resources to deepen your journey:

    Books

    • Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish – Practical tools and examples for supporting healthy sibling relationships from day one.
    • Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings by Dr. Laura Markham – A neuroscience-informed approach to reducing conflict and building sibling connection.
    • The Second Baby Book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith – Gentle and realistic advice for preparing your toddler emotionally and practically for a new baby.
    • How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen by Joanna Faber & Julie King – Filled with scripts and problem-solving ideas for everyday parenting struggles.

    YouTube Channels

    • Janet Lansbury – Elevating Childcare: Focuses on respectful parenting and preparing toddlers for big changes.
    • The Parenting Junkie: Covers mindful parenting, sibling dynamics, and setting up a peaceful home environment.
    • Dr. Laura Markham (Aha! Parenting): Occasional interviews and talks on emotional regulation and sibling bonding.

    These resources align beautifully with a connected and emotionally attuned parenting style—one that honors the needs of both your toddler and your newborn, and supports you in the middle.

    Closing Thoughts: A Gentle Foundation That Lasts

    Preparing your toddler for a new sibling doesn’t require perfection—it asks for presence, honesty, and patience. Lowering expectations, staying emotionally available, and protecting their sense of safety are not only practical steps, but foundational acts of love.

    The early days may be messy and intense, but with time and care, a deep sibling bond can bloom. By seeing the transition through your toddler’s eyes and giving them tools to process their emotions, you’re laying the groundwork for lifelong connection—not just between siblings, but between you and each of your children.

    Remember: you don’t have to do this alone. Our printable guide is here to support you.

    Explore further:

    🥰Motherhood as a Journey of Growth: Embracing the Transition from Maiden to Mother

    🌀Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child)

    📝From Maiden to Mother: A Journaling Guide for Embracing the Transition

  • Preventing Attachment Issues: Supporting Children of Fearful-Avoidant Parents (+free PDF)

    Introduction: The Pain of Seeing Harmful Parenting Patterns

    It’s one thing to read about attachment wounds in books. It’s another to witness them unfolding in real time, especially when a child’s emotional safety is at stake.

    Imagine this: You’re at a playground, and a toddler keeps looking back at his mother for reassurance. She responds by ignoring him, turning away, or even pushing him toward other children with an anxious “Go play! You’ll never make friends if you cling to me!” The child hesitates, his distress growing, and the mother sighs in frustration. Later, when he cries at bedtime, she insists he “self-soothe,” despite his escalating panic.

    If you’re healing from fearful-avoidant attachment yourself, seeing another parent unknowingly pass down the very patterns you’re working so hard to unlearn can be infuriating and heartbreaking. Your body may react with a surge of rage, grief, or helplessness—especially if you see clear signs that their child is developing the very attachment struggles they fear.

    But what can you actually do? How do you regulate your own emotions around this? And if you want to help, how do you communicate in a way that won’t make the other parent defensive?

    In this article, we’ll explore:

    • How to manage your own emotional response (so you don’t spiral into anger or despair)
    • Why fearful-avoidant parents unintentionally create what they fear most
    • Ways to gently open their perspective without triggering shame
    • The science of attachment and how to explain it simply
    • When to intervene—and when to accept that you can’t control everything

    Let’s start by understanding your own reaction first.

    Regulating Your Own Emotional Response

    Before addressing the other parent, it’s crucial to attune to your own nervous system. Witnessing attachment wounds in real time can activate deep emotional pain—especially if you were once that child, longing for attunement but met with distance or fear.

    Why This Hits So Hard: Your Body Remembers

    According to polyvagal theory (Porges, 2011), when we see a child in distress, our nervous system may automatically mirror that distress, especially if we’ve experienced similar pain. If we haven’t yet processed our own wounds, we might react from a fight response (anger, judgment, a strong urge to “rescue”) or a shutdown response (hopelessness, emotional numbness, or dissociation).

    This is not a sign that you’re overreacting—it’s a sign that your system is deeply empathetic and recognizing something familiar.

    How to Regulate in the Moment

    Instead of letting these emotions spiral, try:

    1. Pausing to Notice Your Reaction
      • Where do you feel this in your body?
      • Are you clenching your jaw? Feeling a pit in your stomach?
      • What does this reaction remind you of in your own past?
    2. Grounding Yourself Physically
      • Slow your breathing (inhale for 4 counts, exhale for 8).
      • If your hands are shaking, press them against a solid surface.
      • Feel your feet on the ground to reorient to the present.
    3. Using Self-Talk to Shift Perspective
      • Instead of: “This is unbearable! This poor child!” → Try: “This is painful to witness, but I can stay regulated and compassionate.”
      • Instead of: “This parent is ruining their child!” → Try: “They are repeating what they know, just as I once did.”
    4. Giving Yourself an Outlet
      • Later, journal about your feelings.
      • Voice-note a trusted friend who understands attachment healing.
      • If the feelings are intense, process them with an inner parts dialogue (IFS-style) or through somatic movement.

    Once you’re more grounded, you can assess whether and how to approach the other parent. But first, let’s unpack why fearful-avoidant parents often create what they fear most—and why shaming them will never work.

    Understanding the Fearful-Avoidant Parent: Why They Create What They Fear

    A parent with a fearful-avoidant attachment style often carries conflicting fears about connection. On one hand, they deeply fear being abandoned or unwanted. On the other, they feel overwhelmed by closeness and emotional dependency—which can make parenting especially triggering.

    What This Looks Like in Parenting

    Because they fear their child becoming too dependent or too anxious, they may:

    • Sleep train early and rigidly, fearing their child will become “too needy” if comforted at night.
    • Encourage independence too soon, pushing their toddler to interact socially before they’re ready.
    • Ignore clinginess or distress, hoping the child will “toughen up” instead of realizing this increases fear.
    • Struggle with emotional availability, becoming distant or inconsistent in moments of distress.

    Ironically, these very behaviors reinforce what they fear:

    • The child becomes more clingy because their emotional needs aren’t being met.
    • The child becomes more socially anxious because they aren’t given a secure base from which to explore.

    This parent is not acting out of malice—they are repeating what was done to them. They were likely given the message that needing comfort was weak or that being “too soft” would make them fail in the world. They may still believe that.

    How to Approach the Fearful-Avoidant Parent Without Making Them Defensive

    Fearful-avoidant individuals tend to shut down or lash out when they feel criticized. Directly telling them, “You’re making your child anxious” or “You’re damaging their attachment” is unlikely to go well. Instead, use strategies based on motivational interviewing, gentle curiosity, and offering safety rather than judgment.

    1. Start from Shared Concerns

    A great way to open dialogue is by mirroring their fears back to them—without blame.

    Instead of: “You’re making your child more fearful by pushing them.”
    Try: “I totally get why you want your child to be confident. It’s so hard to see them struggle socially.”

    Instead of: “Ignoring crying doesn’t teach independence.”
    Try: “I used to think that comforting too much would make kids more dependent, too. But I read something interesting about how secure attachment actually builds independence long-term.”

    By aligning with their desire for a strong, confident child, you reduce defensiveness.

    2. Share Small Insights, Not Big Corrections

    People are much more open to gentle shifts in perspective than being told they’re wrong. Instead of lecturing, share your own experiences or a small, digestible fact.

    Example 1: If they say, “I don’t want my child to be one of those kids who clings to their mom all the time.”
    You could respond: “It’s interesting—apparently, kids who get their emotional needs met early actually become more independent later. I thought it was the opposite for a long time.”

    Example 2: If they say, “I need my child to sleep alone. They’ll never learn if I keep coddling them.”
    You could say: “Yeah, sleep was such a struggle for us too. I came across something on how co-regulation at night actually strengthens nervous system resilience in the long run. I was surprised!”

    This plants a seed without confrontation.

    3. Acknowledge Their Own Pain

    Fearful-avoidant parents often parent from fear—but underneath that fear is pain. They weren’t emotionally supported as children. They had to self-soothe before they were developmentally ready. They might have been shamed for needing love.

    If you sense an opening, you can gently reflect this:

    • “It’s so hard when we didn’t get that kind of support ourselves.”
    • “I know for me, it felt scary at first to parent differently than how I was raised.”
    • “It’s tough when we’re just trying to do what we think is best, and there’s so much conflicting information out there.”

    This validates their inner wounds without blaming them.

    Once you’ve approached the conversation with warmth rather than judgment, they may be more open to gradual shifts in perspective. But ultimately, you can’t force someone to change—you can only offer gentle insights and let them process in their own time.

    Now, let’s explore how to support yourself emotionally when you feel powerless in these situations.

    Regulating Your Own Reactions: Managing Rage, Grief, and Helplessness

    Watching another parent unintentionally create the very fears they are trying to prevent can be deeply triggering—especially if you’re healing from a fearful-avoidant attachment style yourself. It can stir up rage, grief, and powerlessness:

    • Rage at the unfairness of it all—why must another child go through what you did?
    • Grief for your own childhood, seeing the same patterns play out in front of you.
    • Helplessness because no matter how much you want to intervene, you can’t force change.

    These emotions are valid. The key is learning how to hold them without letting them consume you.

    1. Recognizing Projection: Are You Seeing Your Own Past?

    One of the hardest truths in healing is that sometimes, we react not just to what’s happening—but to what it reminds us of.

    If another parent’s behavior sparks overwhelming emotion, ask yourself:

    • Am I reacting to their child’s suffering—or to my own unhealed pain?
    • Is this anger directed at them—or at the adults who failed me as a child?
    • Do I feel helpless now because I was helpless then?

    This doesn’t mean your feelings are wrong. But separating past pain from present reality can help you respond more intentionally, rather than being swallowed by emotion.

    2. Using Somatic Regulation to Move Through Big Emotions

    Since fearful-avoidant wounding is stored not just in thoughts but in the body, purely rationalizing won’t be enough. You need to physically discharge the overwhelming emotions.

    Try:

    • Shaking out the body (releases stored fight-or-flight energy)
    • Breathwork for nervous system regulation (slow exhale longer than inhale)
    • Holding your heart or self-soothing touch (signals safety)
    • Grounding techniques (barefoot walking, holding a weighted object)

    This keeps the anger and grief from becoming stuck in your body.

    3. Allowing Space for Grief Without Getting Stuck

    It’s okay to grieve the child you once were—the one who needed what this child needs now. Let yourself feel it. Write it out. Speak to your younger self.

    But don’t let grief turn into despair. Balance it with:

    • Hope—You are breaking the cycle in your own family.
    • Compassion—You are feeling this deeply because you care.
    • Perspective—Every child’s story is still being written. This moment isn’t the end.

    4. Choosing Your Battles: Not Every Situation Needs Your Intervention

    When you see a child suffering, your instinct may be to do something, say something, fix it.

    But ask yourself:

    • Would saying something actually help right now—or just make me feel better?
    • Is this a moment for education—or for acceptance?
    • Is my energy better spent on my own child, my own healing?

    You don’t have to carry every injustice. Pick what’s within your power, and release the rest.

    Helping Without Creating Conflict: How to Gently Support the Parent and Child

    Now that you’ve worked through your own emotional response, the next challenge is how to actually help—without triggering defensiveness in the other parent.

    This is delicate, because direct confrontation rarely works when a parent is unknowingly acting out of fear. Instead, we need an approach that fosters curiosity, safety, and gradual shifts in perspective.

    1. Understanding Why This Parent Is Acting This Way

    The mother you’re observing is not acting out of cruelty—but out of fear. She believes:

    • If she comforts her child too much, they’ll become overly dependent.
    • If she lets them sleep in her bed, they’ll never be independent.
    • If she lets them avoid social situations, they’ll always struggle socially.

    Ironically, her approach is creating the very fears she’s trying to prevent—but she doesn’t see it yet.

    This is classic fearful-avoidant parenting:

    • They fear their child’s dependency, so they push them away—making the child more anxious.
    • They fear their child’s social struggles, so they force interactions—making the child resist socializing.

    She is trying to raise a strong, independent child—but because she never learned secure attachment herself, she is going about it in a way that backfires.

    Understanding this helps you approach her with compassion, not judgment.

    2. The Art of Gentle Influence: “What If?” Instead of “You Should”

    People rarely change when they feel criticized. Instead of saying, “What you’re doing is harmful,” try planting seeds of curiosity.

    Some ways to do this:

    • Share a personal story.
      • Instead of saying, “You shouldn’t sleep train,” you might say,
        “I used to think responding at night would make my baby clingy, but I noticed that when I stopped resisting it, he actually became more independent.”
    • Ask a curiosity-provoking question.
      • “Have you ever noticed how [child’s name] gets extra clingy after being left alone? It’s interesting how some kids react that way.”
    • Make an observation instead of a judgment.
      • “It’s so tough when kids get scared of social situations. I read that sometimes pushing them actually increases their fear. It’s counterintuitive, isn’t it?”

    These small moments can spark internal reflection without triggering defensiveness.

    3. Strengthening the Child’s Resilience in Subtle Ways

    Even if you can’t change the parent, you can be a secure presence for the child.

    • Validate their emotions when they’re upset: “It’s okay to feel scared. You don’t have to rush.”
    • Give them space to initiate social interactions rather than forcing them.
    • Model warmth and responsiveness so they experience safety in another adult relationship.

    You may not be able to change their home environment—but every moment of attuned connection helps shape their nervous system.

    4. Accepting What’s Not in Your Control

    It’s painful to watch a child struggle in ways that could be prevented. But some things are beyond your power to fix.

    Instead of focusing on what you can’t change, ask:

    • What’s the best way I can support this child, even in small ways?
    • How can I model a secure presence, even if their parent doesn’t yet?
    • How can I release what I can’t control, without carrying resentment?

    Your calm, steady presence—both for yourself and for them—is more powerful than you think.

    Practical Exercises: Regulating Yourself, Engaging the Parent, and Supporting the Child

    Now that we’ve explored the psychology behind these dynamics, let’s turn theory into action. These practical exerciseswill help you:

    • Regulate your own emotional response.
    • Engage the parent in a way that fosters openness, not defensiveness.
    • Support the child in subtle but meaningful ways.

    1. Regulating Your Own Emotions: Self-Compassion & Releasing the Grip of Helplessness

    Watching a child struggle when you know things could be different is painful. Before you act, it’s crucial to process your own emotions first.

    Exercise: The “Compassionate Witness” Practice

    Goal: Acknowledge and release your frustration so it doesn’t fuel reactive behavior.

    1. Find a quiet space and take a few deep breaths.
    2. Imagine yourself observing this situation from a calm, compassionate perspective.
    3. Ask yourself:
      • What am I feeling right now? (Helplessness, frustration, grief, anger?)
      • Where do I feel this in my body?
      • If this emotion could speak, what would it say?
    4. Now, shift perspective:
      • Imagine an older, wiser version of yourself gently comforting the part of you that feels this pain.
      • Offer yourself words of understanding, e.g., “It’s hard to witness this. You care deeply, and that’s why this hurts.”
    5. Finally, take three slow breaths and release the emotional intensity, reminding yourself:
      • I don’t have to fix everything. Small acts of care make a difference.

    By acknowledging and releasing your own distress first, you can engage from a place of clarity rather than emotional reactivity.

    2. Engaging the Parent: Planting Seeds of Awareness

    Many parents in this situation are defensive—not because they don’t care, but because they’re afraid of “failing” as parents. Instead of confronting them directly, try curiosity-driven dialogue.

    Exercise: “The Gentle Mirror” Approach

    Goal: Help the parent notice the patterns without making them feel criticized.

    1. Observe the child’s behavior in a neutral moment.
      • Example: You see the child become extra clingy after being left alone.
    2. Mirror it back to the parent as an open-ended observation.
      • “I noticed [child’s name] gets extra attached after some alone time. It’s interesting how kids respond differently to that.”
    3. Leave space for the parent to respond.
      • If they engage, ask gentle follow-ups:
        • “Have you noticed that pattern too?”
        • “I read something fascinating about how independence develops differently than we expect—would you be interested?”
    4. If they shut down, back off—you’ve still planted a seed.

    By mirroring the child’s response in a neutral, non-judgmental way, you allow the parent to arrive at insights on their own—which is far more effective than direct correction.

    3. Supporting the Child: Creating Micro-Moments of Secure Attachment

    Even if you can’t change their home life, you can still provide a sense of safety and connection when you interact with them.

    Exercise: “Micro-Moments of Secure Attachment”

    Goal: Help the child experience small but meaningful moments of attunement.

    1. When the child is distressed, acknowledge their feelings rather than dismissing them.
      • Instead of “You’re fine, go play,” try “I see that you’re feeling unsure. You can take your time.”
    2. Allow them to warm up socially at their own pace.
      • Example: If they hesitate before joining a group, say “You can watch for a while, and when you’re ready, you can join.”
    3. Offer playful connection rather than pressure.
      • If they seem resistant to engaging with other kids, try joining them in play yourself first—this creates a bridge of safety.

    Every moment of attuned connection builds resilience in their nervous system, even if their home life isn’t ideal.

    Final Thoughts: Your Influence Is Greater Than You Think

    You may not be able to change this child’s home environment overnight, but your presence, compassion, and small interventions can make a real impact.

    Even if the parent never fully changes, even if the child’s attachment struggles persist—the safe, attuned interactions you offer them matter.

    Your role isn’t to control, fix, or force change. Your role is to be a steady, compassionate presence. That alone is powerful.

    Next Steps: A Free Guide for Navigating These Situations

    To help you feel more confident in these interactions, I’ve created a free downloadable guide:

    📌 “Supporting Secure Attachment Without Overstepping: A Practical Guide for Parents and Caregivers”

    Inside, you’ll find:
    ✅ Step-by-step scripts for engaging a parent without triggering defensiveness
    ✅ Practical exercises for regulating your own emotions when witnessing harmful dynamics
    ✅ A guide to recognizing the subtle signs of attachment distress
    ✅ Real-life case studies with solutions you can apply

    Download guide

    By equipping yourself with these tools, you can support children and parents alike with compassion, wisdom, and patience.

    Remember, every small, positive interaction counts towards creating a more secure and emotionally healthy future for the children in your life.

    References f:

    • Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
    • Ainsworth, M. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
    • Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. Delacorte Press.
    • Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.
    • Schore, A. N. (2001). The effects of early relational trauma on right brain development, affect regulation, and infant mental health. Infant Mental Health Journal, 22(1-2), 201-269.
    • Tronick, E. Z. (2007). The Neurobehavioral and Social-Emotional Development of Infants and Children. Norton.
    • Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1990). Procedures for identifying infants as disorganized/disoriented during the Ainsworth Strange Situation. In M. T. Greenberg, D. Cichetti, & E. M. Cummings (Eds.), Attachment in the preschool years: Theory, research, and intervention (pp. 121-160). University of Chicago Press.

  • Understanding Attention: A Fundamental Human Need, Not a Flaw (+free pdf)

    The Psychological & Nervous System Roots of the Need for Attention

    From our earliest moments, we learn a simple truth: to be noticed is to exist.

    When a baby cries and a caregiver responds, they receive more than just comfort—they receive a message: \”You matter.\”

    But when our bids for attention are ignored, dismissed, or shamed, we develop survival strategies to cope. Some of us loudly demand attention, while others become invisible to avoid rejection.

    💡 Key Insight: The ways we seek (or avoid) attention today are often shaped by childhood experiences.

    To deeply understand this, we need to look at psychological and nervous system frameworks that explain how we adapt when our attention needs aren’t met.

    Attachment Theory: How Early Relationships Shape Attention Patterns

    Attachment theory (Bowlby, 1969) explains how our first experiences with caregivers teach us what to expect from relationships—including whether it\’s safe to seek attention.

    🔹 Secure Attachment:
    ✔️ Grew up with consistent attention and responsiveness
    ✔️ Feels comfortable giving and receiving attention
    ✔️ Doesn’t see attention-seeking as “bad”

    🔹 Anxious Attachment:
    ⚠️ Received inconsistent attention—sometimes present, sometimes withdrawn
    ⚠️ Fears abandonment, leading to hyper-vigilance in seeking reassurance
    ⚠️ Can show up as over-explaining, needing external validation, or clinging

    🔹 Avoidant Attachment:
    ❌ Grew up with caregivers who dismissed emotional needs
    ❌ Learned to shut down emotions to avoid rejection
    ❌ Can show up as withdrawing, downplaying needs, or hyper-independence

    🔹 Disorganized Attachment:
    💔 Experienced both comfort and fear from caregivers
    💔 Alternates between craving attention and fearing rejection
    💔 Can show up as pushing people away while secretly longing for connection

    💡 Healing Insight: Our attachment patterns aren’t “flaws”—they’re protective strategies. If we struggle with attention-seeking or avoidance, it’s often because we learned that being seen wasn’t always safe.

    Internal Family Systems (IFS): How Different Parts of Us Seek Attention in Different Ways

    IFS (Schwartz, 1995) teaches that our personality isn’t a single “self”—it’s made up of different parts, each with its own role.

    When our need for attention was unmet, different parts of us learned to cope in unique ways:

    🔹 The Performer: Tries to earn attention through achievements, perfectionism, or always being “helpful.”
    ✔️ Motivated by fear of being ignored or unworthy.

    🔹 The Rebel: Acts out, creates drama, or provokes reactions to feel seen.
    ✔️ Often stems from childhood experiences of only getting attention when misbehaving.

    🔹 The Invisible One: Withdraws, suppresses needs, and avoids being a burden.
    ✔️ Learned that visibility led to rejection, shame, or punishment.

    💡 Healing Insight: These parts aren’t “bad”—they each developed as protectors. By recognizing them with compassion, we can begin to heal.

    Developmental Trauma & The Fear of Visibility

    When children experience emotional neglect (CEN) or invalidation, they internalize a painful message:

    ❌ “My emotions and needs don’t matter.”

    Instead of feeling worthy of attention, they feel:

    • Shame for needing connection
    • Guilt for taking up space
    • Fear that being seen = rejection

    This is why healing attention-seeking behaviors isn’t just about learning new habits—it’s about healing deep-seated fears of rejection.

    💡 Healing Insight: If attention-seeking behaviors feel desperate or painful, it’s often because they’re linked to old wounds of invisibility.

    Somatic Psychology: How the Body Holds the Experience of Being Ignored or Seen

    Even if we intellectually know we deserve attention, our nervous system might still resist it.

    Why? Because the body remembers past experiences of being ignored, shamed, or dismissed.

    Common Somatic Signs of an Unmet Attention Need:
    ✔️ Tight chest or throat when speaking up
    ✔️ Feeling exposed or anxious when sharing emotions
    ✔️ Tensing up when receiving compliments or being the center of attention
    ✔️ Feeling a deep sadness or emptiness after being overlooked

    💡 Healing Insight: These body responses aren’t irrational—they are protective mechanisms that developed when visibility felt unsafe.

    Polyvagal Theory: How Our Nervous System Reacts to Being Ignored

    Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory (2011) explains how our nervous system is wired for social engagement. When we receive warm, responsive attention, our ventral vagal state is activated, making us feel:
    ✔️ Safe
    ✔️ Connected
    ✔️ Calm

    However, when we experience rejection, neglect, or emotional inconsistency, our nervous system perceives a threat and shifts into:

    • Fight-or-Flight (Sympathetic Activation): Leads to acting out, demanding attention, over-explaining, or clinging.
    • Shutdown Mode (Dorsal Vagal Response): Leads to withdrawing, suppressing needs, and emotional numbness.

    💡 Key Insight: Many “attention-seeking” behaviors are actually nervous system survival responses—our body’s attempt to restore safety and connection.

    Jungian Psychology & The Shadow: When Suppressed Attention Needs Turn Destructive

    Carl Jung’s concept of the shadow self helps explain why unmet needs for attention—especially when deeply repressed—can surface in unhealthy ways. If we were taught that seeking attention is “selfish,” “immature,” or “embarrassing,” we may push that part of ourselves deep into the unconscious. But the shadow doesn’t disappear—it manifests in ways we don’t consciously recognize.

    💥 When the Suppressed Need for Attention Erupts Destructively

    Instead of acknowledging our legitimate need to be seen and valued, we may:

    • Seek attention through self-sabotage (e.g., creating crises to be rescued)
    • Overperform or overachieve (believing love must be earned)
    • Engage in attention-seeking behaviors we later regret (e.g., oversharing, stirring conflict, or chasing validation from unavailable people)
    • Push away those who offer genuine recognition (because it feels foreign or undeserved)

    By rejecting our need for attention, we risk acting out unconsciously—seeking it through means that leave us feeling hollow, ashamed, or disconnected.

    🪞 Projection: When Self-Rejection Becomes External Judgment

    Jungian psychology also describes projection, where we reject traits in ourselves and instead fixate on them in others. If we suppress our need for attention, we may unconsciously:

    🚫 Resent “needy” people—feeling irritated by those who openly seek support or validation.
    🚫 Judge others for being “attention-seekers”—when, deep down, we envy their courage to express what we suppress.
    🚫 Avoid vulnerability—keeping emotional distance so no one sees our unspoken longing to be valued.

    Projection traps us in a cycle: The more we judge others for what we reject in ourselves, the harder it becomes to heal. Instead, we must reclaim and integrate our need for attention with self-awareness and self-compassion.

    Key Takeaways

    • Attention-seeking behaviors are not manipulation; they are attempts to restore connection.
    • Our early experiences (attachment, trauma, nervous system responses) shape how we seek or avoid attention.
    • Internal Family Systems (IFS) shows that different parts of us learned different strategies to cope with being unseen.
    • Healing requires both psychological understanding and somatic (body-based) work to feel safe being seen.

    Healing in Practice – Meeting the Need for Attention with Compassionate Action

    We already explored how our need for attention is shaped by attachment patterns, internal protective parts (IFS), developmental trauma, and nervous system responses.

    Now, we shift from understanding to healing.

    Many of us were shamed for wanting attention. But healing means recognizing that:

    ✔️ Wanting to be seen is not selfish.
    ✔️ Visibility is a core human need, not a flaw.
    ✔️ You deserve healthy, fulfilling attention—without guilt.

    This segment will offer practical tools to meet your need for attention in ways that feel authentic, grounded, and healing.

    1. Self-Compassion & Shadow Work: Healing Shame Around Attention

    Many of us carry deep shame around being seen, heard, or taking up space.

    This shame often leads to:
    ❌ Over-explaining or justifying our emotions
    ❌ Feeling like a burden when expressing needs
    ❌ Downplaying accomplishments to avoid seeming “attention-seeking”

    🌿 Shadow Work: Uncovering Your Beliefs About Attention

    Shadow work (Jung, 1951) helps us identify and integrate hidden parts of ourselves—especially the ones we were taught to suppress.

    Ask yourself:
    📝 What messages did I receive about seeking attention as a child?
    📝 Did I ever feel ashamed for needing support or validation?
    📝 Do I judge others for wanting attention? Why?

    💡 Healing Insight: If we shame ourselves for seeking attention, it’s often because we were once shamed for it.

    🌿 Self-Compassion Practice: Rewriting the Narrative

    Kristin Neff’s (2003) work on self-compassion shows that gentle, self-affirming language can help heal shame.

    Try this self-compassion statement:

    💬 “It makes sense that I want to be seen. I am worthy of attention, just as I am.”

    Repeat daily when guilt about needing attention arises.

    2. Rewiring the Nervous System: Somatic Exercises for Feeling Safe Being Seen

    Even if we intellectually know we deserve attention, our body may still react with discomfort.

    If being noticed feels unsafe, we may experience:
    ⚠️ Tension when speaking up
    ⚠️ Anxiety when receiving praise or validation
    ⚠️ Discomfort in social settings

    This is where nervous system regulation is key.

    🌿 Somatic Exercise 1: The “Safe Visibility” Practice

    Goal: Train your nervous system to feel safe receiving attention.

    1. Close your eyes. Imagine someone looking at you with warmth and care.
    2. Notice how your body reacts. Do you tense up? Do you shrink inward?
    3. Place a hand on your heart. Say, “I am safe to be seen.”
    4. Repeat for 1 minute daily.

    This teaches your body that being seen does not equal danger.

    🌿 Somatic Exercise 2: The \”Receiving Without Deflecting\” Practice

    Many of us deflect compliments or downplay our achievements to avoid attention.

    Next time someone compliments you, instead of saying “Oh, it was nothing…” try:
    ✔️ Pausing.
    ✔️ Breathing in.
    ✔️ Saying, “Thank you, I appreciate that.”

    💡 Healing Insight: The more you allow yourself to receive positive attention, the more your nervous system learns that it’s safe.

    3. Building Reciprocal Relationships Where You Are Naturally Seen

    Attention-seeking behaviors often come from a lack of consistent, fulfilling attention.

    Instead of feeling desperate for validation, focus on creating relationships where you are naturally seen.

    🌿 3 Ways to Cultivate Healthy Visibility

    1️⃣ Choose Relationships That Feel Like Home
    ✅ Do you feel safe expressing emotions?
    ✅ Do you feel heard, even in small moments?

    2️⃣ Practice Being Vulnerable in Small Ways
    ➝ Share a small thought or feeling instead of waiting until emotions explode.
    ➝ Example: Instead of saying “Nobody ever notices me!” try “Hey, I’d love to share something with you.”

    3️⃣ Offer What You Want to Receive
    ➝ Notice and acknowledge others.
    ➝ The more we see others, the more we open space to be seen.

    💡 Healing Insight: The best way to stop feeling invisible is to build connections that truly see you.

    🎁 Free Resource: The Self-Compassion Workbook for Attention & Visibility

    To make this healing process actionable, I’ve created a free workbook:

    ✅ Self-reflection prompts to explore your relationship with attention
    ✅ Somatic exercises to rewire your nervous system for safe visibility
    ✅ Scripts for receiving attention without guilt
    ✅ Daily self-compassion statements

    Download here

    Final Thoughts: Your Right to Be Seen

    Healing our relationship with attention is not about getting rid of our need to be seen—it’s about honoring it in healthy ways.

    ✔️ You are not “needy.” You are human.
    ✔️ You deserve to be noticed and valued.
    ✔️ Healing happens when we allow ourselves to take up space—without guilt.

    📚 Recommended Books on Attention, Shame & Healing

    Understanding the Need for Attention

    📖 The Drama of the Gifted Child – Alice Miller
    📖 Running on Empty – Jonice Webb, PhD (Childhood Emotional Neglect)

    Healing Visibility Shame

    📖 Daring Greatly – Brené Brown
    📖 The Right to Speak – Patsy Rodenburg (About using your voice)

    Building Healthy Self-Expression

    📖 The Artist’s Way – Julia Cameron
    📖 Radical Acceptance – Tara Brach

    ❓ Q&A: Common Concerns About Attention & Visibility

    ❓ Why do I crave attention so much?

    Your brain is wired for connection and recognition. If you were emotionally neglected or dismissed as a child, your system may be seeking what was missing. It’s not a flaw—it’s an unmet need.

    ❓ How do I stop feeling ashamed for wanting attention?

    First, recognize that needing attention is not bad. Then, focus on receiving it in ways that align with your values.Example: Sharing your thoughts in a deep conversation vs. seeking validation online.

    ❓ What if people judge me for wanting to be seen?

    Some will—but that’s okay. The right people will celebrate your presence. Every time you allow yourself to be seen, you attract those who value you authentically.

    ❓ How can I feel seen without constantly seeking validation?

    • Build inner validation (affirmations, self-appreciation).
    • Create meaningful connections (quality over quantity).
    • Engage in fulfilling self-expression (art, writing, movement).

    📩 Download Your Free Workbook Here!

    🔹 Click below to get instant access:

    Download

    🌿 Your need for attention is not shameful. You deserve to be seen.

  • Should You Foster Secure Attachment in an Insecure World? Why It Matters More Than Ever

    As global uncertainty grows, many parents wonder if fostering secure attachment is still the right goal. If a child is raised with emotional security, will they be prepared for a world that may be unstable? Will they have the resilience to endure hardship—or will they be too “soft” to survive?

    More urgently, some ask: If secure children are taught to trust themselves, will they still follow orders when necessary?

    In this article, we explore what children really need developmentally and why secure attachment is not a luxury of peaceful times—it is a necessity, especially in crisis.

    What Is Secure Attachment, and Why Does It Matter?

    Secure attachment is a deep, trusting bond between a child and their primary caregiver. When children consistently experience responsive, attuned caregiving, they develop an internalized sense of safety. This security affects how they:

    • Regulate emotions and handle stress
    • Build healthy relationships
    • Approach problem-solving and challenges
    • Adapt to uncertainty

    Studies show that secure attachment is the foundation of resilience, not a hindrance to it (Shaver & Mikulincer, 2012). Children raised with emotional security are better equipped to navigate both personal and global crises.

    Why Secure Attachment Matters Even in an Uncertain World

    1. Secure Attachment Is an Inner Safe Haven

    A child’s first experience of the world is through their caregiver. When that relationship is stable, the child internalizes a sense of security that remains even when external conditions change.

    In contrast, insecurely attached children often develop hypervigilance, chronic anxiety, or emotional shutdown, making it harder to cope with instability (Siegel, 2012).

    Research Insight:

    • A study on children exposed to war found that those with strong caregiver bonds had significantly lower rates of PTSD and anxiety than those with disrupted attachments (Betancourt et al., 2013).

    2. Hardship Alone Does Not Create Resilience—Secure Relationships Do

    There is a misconception that exposing children to hardship will “toughen them up.” In reality, resilience is not built from suffering alone; it is built through experiencing difficulty while being emotionally supported (Masten, 2001).

    Children who endure hardship without secure attachment are more likely to develop:

    • Anxiety disorders
    • Emotional numbness
    • Poor impulse control
    • Distrust of others

    3. Securely Attached Children Are More Adaptable in Crisis

    The ability to stay calm, assess danger, and make rational decisions under stress is a hallmark of securely attached individuals. Because they trust themselves and others, they can:

    • Evaluate situations clearly instead of reacting impulsively
    • Accept change rather than fearing it
    • Work collaboratively in high-stress situations

    A study on first responders found that those with secure attachment histories were more effective in emergencies because they could regulate their emotions and maintain clear thinking (Mikulincer et al., 2003).

    4. Emotional Intelligence Is a Survival Skill

    In uncertain times, children will need critical thinking, emotional regulation, and the ability to form strong alliances. Secure attachment fosters:

    • Confidence without arrogance
    • Independence with a capacity for teamwork
    • Emotional resilience without suppression

    Without these traits, survival becomes reactionary rather than strategic—which can be dangerous in crisis situations.

    5. Secure Attachment Does Not Make Children “Soft”

    Some worry that securely attached children will be too emotionally sensitive to function in a harsh world. However, research consistently shows that:

    • Securely attached individuals handle stress better than insecurely attached ones.
    • They can think clearly under pressure because they are not driven by fear.
    • They are more flexible in response to new challenges (Siegel, 2012).

    Q&A: Addressing Common Concerns

    Q: If my child is securely attached, will they refuse to follow orders when necessary?

    A: No. Secure individuals are actually more capable of following necessary orders because they trust their own judgment and can recognize legitimate authority.

    • Insecurely attached people are more prone to blind obedience or complete defiance, both of which can be dangerous in crises (Baumrind, 1991).
    • Secure attachment teaches discernment, allowing children to understand when to follow, when to question, and when to lead.

    Q: Isn’t it better to raise my child to be “tough” rather than emotionally secure?

    A: Emotional toughness without security often leads to emotional suppression, dissociation, and aggression. True resilience comes from:

    • Emotional flexibility, not emotional suppression.
    • The ability to adapt to stress, not ignore it.
    • The capacity to trust and collaborate, not just self-preserve.

    Q: Will a securely attached child be too idealistic to handle a harsh world?

    A: No—secure individuals are both hopeful and realistic.

    • They understand risk but do not become paralyzed by it.
    • They seek solutions rather than falling into despair.
    • They connect with others, which is crucial for survival in difficult times.

    Q: What if my child is already insecurely attached? Is it too late to fix it?

    A: It’s never too late. Attachment is not fixed in early childhood—it can be healed through consistent, responsive caregiving at any age (Cassidy & Shaver, 2016).

    Conclusion: Secure Attachment Is the Best Preparation for an Uncertain Future

    If we want to prepare our children for an unpredictable world, we must give them the strongest possible foundation—not by hardening them emotionally, but by making them secure.

    A securely attached child:
    ✅ Thinks clearly under stress
    ✅ Knows when to follow, when to lead, and when to question
    ✅ Forms strong relationships that serve as protective networks
    ✅ Adapts to change without losing their core stability

    In contrast, an insecurely attached child is more likely to:
    ❌ React emotionally instead of strategically
    ❌ Follow authority blindly out of fear or resist authority out of distrust
    ❌ Struggle to form deep, supportive relationships
    ❌ Feel overwhelmed by uncertainty rather than adapting to it

    The answer is clear: secure attachment is not a luxury—it is a necessity.

    You are your child’s anchor in an unpredictable world. By offering them security, you are not shielding them from reality—you are giving them the strength to face it with courage and wisdom. No matter what the future holds, the love and stability you provide today will shape how they navigate tomorrow. You are already giving them exactly what they need.

    References

    • Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56-95.
    • Betancourt, T. S., et al. (2013). The role of caregiver support in the mental health of war-affected youth. Social Science & Medicine, 91, 135-141.
    • Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research, and Clinical Applications. Guilford Press.
    • Masten, A. S. (2001). Ordinary magic: Resilience processes in development. American Psychologist, 56(3), 227-238.
    • Mikulincer, M., et al. (2003). Attachment theory and emotions in close relationships. Emotion, 3(4), 482-501.
    • Shaver, P. R., & Mikulincer, M. (2012). Adult attachment and emotion regulation. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 6(7), 505-517.
    • Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. Bantam Books.

    Explore Further:

    Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child)

    The Rewards of Motherhood: Finding Meaning, Growth, and Everyday Magic

    When Motherhood Gets Harder: Why Your Toddler Challenges You More Than Your Newborn (+Reflexion Guide)

  • When Your Mother Seems to Forget You After You Have a Baby—Understanding the Distance and Healing the Rift (+free PDF)

    Introduction: The Silent Rift Between Mother and Daughter

    You sit across from your mother, your baby gurgling happily between you. She’s smiling, but it’s not at you—it’s at the baby. The same woman who once asked about your hobbies, your struggles, your dreams now seems uninterested in anything beyond how well the baby is sleeping. When you try to steer the conversation toward something personal, she either redirects it to the child or asks questions that leave you uneasy.

    \”Do you not get bored with caretaking all day?\”
    \”Which of your kids do you love more?\”
    \”Are they the most important thing in your life now?\”

    You feel a mix of emotions—hurt, irritation, maybe even anger. Does she not see you anymore? Does she not care? And why do these questions feel so unsettling? Instead of voicing your frustration, you instinctively shut down, acting distant or cold. Deep down, though, you miss her attention and connection. But how can you bridge the gap when it feels like she has already stepped away?

    This scenario is more common than many mothers expect. The shift from daughter to mother changes not only your identity but also your relationship with your own mother. Many new mothers find themselves feeling bitter, resentful, or emotionally abandoned by their parents, even when no outright conflict has occurred. The pain is subtle but persistent—a sense of invisibility that is hard to name.

    This article will explore why this happens, what psychological patterns might be at play, and most importantly, how to heal the emotional distance so that you don’t lose the connection you once had.

    Why Does This Happen? Psychological Frameworks & Emotional Patterns

    1. The Legacy of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)

    If you grew up in a home where emotions were rarely acknowledged, you likely learned that having needs—especially emotional ones—was a burden. Parents with CEN often unintentionally pass down the same emotional avoidance to their children.

    Your mother might have always struggled with emotional closeness, but before your baby was born, the distance wasn’t as obvious. Perhaps your relationship was built on shared activities rather than deep emotional discussions. Now, with a baby in the picture, those shared interests have faded, exposing the lack of deeper connection.

    Your mother’s behavior now—focusing on the grandchild, asking strange questions—might not be intentional neglect. Instead, she may feel uncertain of her role and default to what feels safe: being a grandmother rather than maintaining a close mother-daughter bond.

    👉 Example: Before the baby, your mother always asked about your latest creative project. Now, she never brings it up. It feels like she doesn’t care, but in reality, she may assume you are too busy or that those conversations no longer matter to you.

    2. Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: The Push-Pull Dynamic

    If you have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, emotional closeness is both deeply desired and deeply feared. When you sense emotional rejection—even if it’s subtle—you might unconsciously withdraw to protect yourself.

    In this situation, instead of expressing, \”I miss the way we used to talk about things besides the baby,\” you might respond with coldness, sarcasm, or emotional shutdown. You push her away before she can reject you further.

    At the same time, your mother may also be avoidant in her attachment style. She may assume you are now fully absorbed in motherhood and that she is no longer needed in the same way. Her questions—\”Do you get bored?\” or \”Are the kids the most important thing now?\”—may not be meant to provoke you but instead reveal her own discomfort with shifting roles.

    👉 Example: If your mother was never good at expressing emotions directly, her way of checking in on you might be through awkward or leading questions. She may be trying to gauge your feelings but lacks the skills to ask openly.

    3. The Loss of Identity and Generational Conditioning

    For many women of past generations, motherhood meant total self-sacrifice. When their children became adults, they struggled to reclaim a personal identity. Now, as a grandmother, your mother may assume that you, too, are disappearing into motherhood—because that’s what she did.

    Her shift in focus toward the grandchild could be a reflection of how she sees her own role, rather than a dismissal of you. She may also be grieving a past version of your relationship but lacks the words to express it.

    👉 Example: If your mother’s identity was once entirely wrapped up in caregiving, she might project the same expectation onto you. When she asks, “Are they the most important thing in your life now?” she may not be testing you but rather seeking reassurance—because she once felt that way and struggled with it.

    Recognizing the Hidden Needs Beneath the Distance

    It’s easy to assume that your mother has simply lost interest in you, but a deeper look reveals unspoken needs on both sides:

    🌿 Your Needs:

    • To be seen as an individual, not just as a mother
    • To have conversations beyond parenting topics
    • To feel supported and emotionally connected

    🌿 Her Needs:

    • To feel like she still has a role in your life
    • To understand where she fits in as a grandmother
    • To connect with you, even if she doesn’t know how

    When these needs remain unspoken, both of you withdraw, and the emotional gap widens. But the good news is that small shifts in communication and behavior can begin to repair this disconnection.

    How to Bridge the Emotional Gap: Practical Steps

    Step 1: Identify Your Own Feelings Without Judgment

    Before approaching your mother, take some time to reflect. Ask yourself:

    • What do I actually want from her? More conversations about my interests? More emotional support?
    • Am I unintentionally pushing her away because I fear rejection?
    • Could I be misinterpreting her behavior as rejection when she is just unsure how to connect?

    👉 Example Prompt for Self-Reflection:
    \”When I think about my mother’s behavior, the emotion I feel most is ___. I tend to respond by ___. But deep down, what I wish she understood is ___.\”

    Step 2: Shift the Communication Pattern

    If every conversation defaults to the baby, try reintroducing non-parenting topics in a natural way.

    Instead of:
    “Mom, why don’t you ask about me anymore?”
    Try:
    \”I read something today that reminded me of our old book discussions. Have you read anything interesting lately?\”

    This allows her to engage without feeling accused.

    Step 3: Address Misunderstandings Gently

    If her questions feel off-putting, try responding with curiosity instead of irritation.

    👉 Example:
    Her: \”Do you ever get bored with caretaking?\”
    You: \”That’s an interesting question. Some days feel long, but I also love seeing their personalities develop. What was it like for you when I was little?\”

    This invites conversation rather than shutting it down.

    Step 4: Creating New Rituals to Rebuild Connection

    If conversations feel strained or superficial, introducing small, consistent rituals can help create natural opportunities for reconnection. This is especially useful if deep emotional talks feel forced or uncomfortable.

    Ideas for Gentle Connection:

    • A shared hobby: If you once bonded over something (baking, crafting, gardening), invite her to do it with you again—without the baby present.
    • Regular short calls: Instead of long, pressured conversations, a simple “Hey, I saw something that reminded me of you” text or voice message can keep communication open.
    • Outings without the kids: If possible, plan small activities where your mother can engage with you, rather than only as a grandmother.

    👉 Example: Instead of waiting for her to ask about your life, you could say:
    \”I miss our old coffee dates. Want to grab one next week, just the two of us?\”

    This gently signals that your relationship still matters outside of motherhood.

    Step 5: Handling Resistance & Uncomfortable Conversations

    Some mothers respond well to these shifts, but others might resist or continue making uncomfortable comments. Let’s address two common statements:

    1. \”I don’t know whether I love you or the children more.\”

    At first glance, this statement might seem bizarre or unsettling. Why would she even compare?

    What’s happening here?

    • If she has a fearful-avoidant attachment style, she may not know how to express love without framing it as a competition.
    • She might be struggling with her new role, feeling unsure whether she’s still needed as a mother or if her emotional investment should now shift entirely to the grandchildren.
    • It could be a bid for reassurance, an indirect way of saying, \”I still love you, but I don’t know how to show it now that you have kids.\”

    How to Respond:
    Rather than reacting with discomfort or sarcasm, try a neutral but firm response:

    👉 \”I don’t think love works as a ranking system. I know you love all of us, and I love you too.\”

    This acknowledges her emotions but doesn’t engage with the comparison game.

    2. \”I love [one grandchild] more than the other.\”

    Hearing this can be deeply unsettling, even if she says it in a casual or joking way. Children are incredibly perceptive, and playing favorites—even unintentionally—can create emotional wounds that last a lifetime.

    What’s happening here?

    • She may not actually mean it but lacks the emotional awareness to understand the impact of her words.
    • It might be a reflection of her own past wounds—if she felt more connected to one of her own children, she may unconsciously repeat the dynamic.
    • She might be expressing a preference for a personality type rather than a lack of love, but phrasing it poorly.

    How to Respond:
    If she says it casually, don’t let it pass without addressing it.

    👉 \”I know you might not mean that the way it sounds, but kids pick up on these things. It’s important that they both feel equally loved.\”

    If it continues, setting firm but calm boundaries is necessary:

    👉 \”Please don’t say things like that around them. I want both of them to feel secure in your love.\”

    This makes your stance clear without escalating into conflict.

    Step 6: Maintaining Emotional Boundaries Without Cutting Off Contact

    If your mother remains emotionally distant, makes insensitive comments, or dismisses your feelings, it’s important to protect your own emotional well-being.

    Key Boundaries to Set:
    ✅ Limit certain conversations: If she always makes comments that leave you feeling invalidated, redirect topics when needed.
    ✅ Avoid seeking validation from her: If she’s unable to meet your emotional needs, try finding support in friends, partners, or therapy.
    ✅ Be clear about what behavior is unacceptable: If favoritism, criticism, or dismissive remarks persist, calmly but firmly state your boundary.

    👉 Example of a Boundary Statement:
    \”Mom, I really want us to have a good relationship. But when you say things like that, it hurts. I need us to talk to each other with more care.\”

    This communicates both your needs and your desire to maintain connection rather than shutting her out.

    Conclusion: Healing the Rift Without Losing Yourself

    Feeling distant or bitter toward your mother after becoming a mother yourself is not uncommon. The shift in roles can expose unspoken emotional wounds, unmet needs, and generational patterns that were previously buried.

    But understanding these dynamics is the first step toward healing. By recognizing:
    ✅ That both you and your mother have unspoken emotional needs
    ✅ That your distance is not necessarily rejection, but often miscommunication
    ✅ That small changes in conversation, rituals, and boundaries can create repair

    …you can begin rebuilding a connection that honors both of your identities—not just as mother and daughter, but as two people who still matter to each other.

    Free Resource: Reconnecting With Your Mother After Baby – A Journal & Conversation Guide

    This journal + conversation guide will help you:
    ✅ Recognize what you miss from your relationship before motherhood
    ✅ Identify your core needs in your relationship with your mother
    ✅ Learn how to express those needs without guilt or conflict
    ✅ Set boundaries while still leaving space for connection

    Download now

    Let’s share!

    Have you experienced something similar? How do you navigate your relationship with your mother after having kids? Share your thoughts in the comments.

    🔹 If you found this article helpful, check out my related posts:

    Motherhood, CEN, and the Search for the Lost Self: A Deep Dive into Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood

    Motherhood as a Journey of Growth: Embracing the Transition from Maiden to Mother

    Breaking the Line of Silent Pain: Motherhood Shouldn’t be a Choice Between Self-Sacrifice and Emotional Distance (+free PDF)

  • Why Do I Panic When Plans Change? An IFS Approach to Healing Control and Powerlessness (+free PDF)

    You’ve carefully planned out every detail of an important project, trip, or even just your day. Then, suddenly—something changes. Your heart pounds, frustration rises, and you scramble to regain control. Maybe you shut down, lash out, or feel the urge to fix everything immediately. But why does something as simple as a shift in plans feel so deeply unsettling?

    Using Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we’ll explore how this reaction is often a sign of unhealed wounds from the past—and how to work with the parts of you that are trying to protect you from pain.

    Recognizing the Inner System at Play: A Real-Life Example

    Imagine this: You and your partner are in the middle of designing your dream home. You’ve put weeks into carefully planning every detail—where the windows will go, the materials you’ll use. Then, unexpectedly, your partner suggests a major change to the layout.

    Your reaction is immediate:

    • You feel tense, irritated, and overwhelmed.
    • You argue about why the original plan is better.
    • When they push back, your heart races, your chest tightens, and frustration turns into panic.
    • You become rigid and controlling, insisting that your way is best.

    It’s only later, when the emotions settle, that you realize your reaction felt much bigger than the situation warranted.

    What’s really happening? Let’s break it down using IFS.

    Understanding Your Internal System: Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters

    In IFS, we see the mind as made up of different \”parts\” that each have a role in protecting you from pain.

    1. The Exile (The Wounded Inner Child)
      • Core wound: A deep sense of powerlessness from childhood.
      • In this example: You were forced to move houses as a child. You had no say in the decision—where you lived, what furniture was taken, or how your space changed. You had to silently endure the loss, with no one helping you process it emotionally. This wounded, powerless part of you is now hidden deep inside—an Exile.
    2. The Manager (The Control-Seeker)
      • Core strategy: Prevent you from ever feeling powerless again.
      • In this example: As soon as your partner suggests a change, your Manager part jumps in: “We have to keep control! We must not let this happen again!” This part sees flexibility as dangerous because it reminds you of past helplessness.
    3. The Firefighter (The Panic Response)
      • Core strategy: Stop the overwhelming feelings—at any cost.
      • In this example: When your Manager’s attempts to control the situation don’t work, your Firefighter partactivates. This can look like:
        • A panic attack or intense frustration
        • Wanting to shut down or escape
        • Using distractions (e.g., suddenly scrolling your phone, drinking, binge-watching TV) to numb out

    Each of these parts is trying to protect you, but their methods often create distress instead.

    How to Begin Healing: Working with Your Parts

    The key to breaking this cycle is learning to turn inward with curiosity instead of reacting automatically. Here’s a step-by-step guide to working with your system in real time:

    Step 1: Pause and Name Your Parts

    When you feel that familiar tightness in your chest or urge to control, take a breath and ask yourself:

    • “Who is showing up right now? A controlling Manager? A panicked Firefighter?”
    • “What is this part afraid will happen if I don’t react this way?”

    By naming the part, you begin to unblend from it—which means you are no longer fully merged with it, but instead becoming an observer.

    Step 2: Validate and Soften Toward Your Parts

    Instead of fighting your reaction, thank your parts for their efforts:

    • “I see that my Manager is trying to keep me safe.”
    • “My Firefighter is panicking because it doesn’t want me to feel powerless.”

    This reduces inner resistance and makes healing possible.

    Step 3: Identify the Exile’s Original Wound

    Ask yourself:

    • “When was the first time I felt like this?”
    • “What was happening in my childhood when I felt powerless?”
    • “What did I need back then that I didn’t receive?”

    This allows you to recognize the childhood roots of your reactions.

    Somatic Practices: Releasing Control from the Body

    Since powerlessness is deeply felt in the nervous system, working with the body is crucial.

    1. Grounding Exercise: The 5-4-3-2-1 Method
      • When you feel panic rising, engage your senses:
        • 5 things you see
        • 4 things you touch
        • 3 things you hear
        • 2 things you smell
        • 1 thing you taste
      • This helps your brain shift from fear mode to the present moment.
    2. Anchoring Safety with Breathwork
      • Breathe in deeply for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 6 seconds.
      • As you exhale, repeat to yourself: “I am safe. I have a choice.”
    3. Self-Soothing Touch
      • Place your hand on your heart or stomach.
      • Say gently: “I’m here for you. I see you. You’re safe now.”

    Advanced IFS Techniques for Deep Healing

    Now that we’ve identified the parts at play—the Manager trying to control, the Firefighter panicking, and the Exile holding the original wound—let’s explore deeper healing techniques.

    These methods help you move beyond surface-level coping and transform your relationship with your inner system.

    1. The U-Turn: Turning Your Attention Inward

    When we feel triggered, we instinctively focus on external factors (“My partner is being unreasonable!”), but true healing requires a U-Turn:

    • Instead of blaming the situation, ask:
      • “What is this reaction showing me about myself?”
      • “Which part of me is most activated right now?”

    By shifting focus inward, we stop fighting reality and start healing the inner wounds that fuel our reactions.

    2. Direct Access: Talking to Your Parts with Compassion

    You can initiate healing without needing to access deep meditation by simply speaking to your parts directly.

    Try this script:

    1. To the Manager (control-seeker):
      • “I see how hard you’re working to keep me safe. Thank you.”
      • “What are you most afraid would happen if you let go of control?”
    2. To the Firefighter (panic response):
      • “I know you’re just trying to protect me from overwhelming feelings.”
      • “What do you need from me to feel safe without reacting so intensely?”
    3. To the Exile (wounded inner child):
      • “I see you. I remember how powerless you felt.”
      • “You are not alone anymore. I am here with you now.”

    The key is compassion and curiosity—never forcing a part to change before it feels safe.

    3. Reparenting the Exile: Giving Yourself What You Never Had

    The Exile holds a frozen memory of past pain. Healing happens when you (from your Self—your wise, centered core) offer it the love and support it never received.

    • Step into your adult Self and visualize sitting with your younger self.
    • Ask:
      • “What did you need back then that you didn’t get?”
      • “What words would have comforted you?”
    • Imagine giving your younger self exactly that—whether it’s validation, a hug, or a sense of choice.

    This process reshapes the nervous system and reduces automatic panic responses over time.

    How These Patterns Affect Relationships

    IFS isn’t just about self-awareness—it transforms how we relate to others.

    Without awareness, our parts hijack communication:

    • Manager-driven control: “We have to stick to the plan!”
    • Firefighter-driven avoidance: “I just need to get out of here.”
    • Exile-driven emotional outbursts: “You never listen to me!”

    With awareness, we can communicate from Self:

    • “When plans change suddenly, I feel overwhelmed. It reminds me of past situations where I had no choice. I need some time to process before responding.”

    This shift fosters connection instead of conflict.

    Recommended Books and Videos for Deeper Work

    Books:

    • \”No Bad Parts\” – Dr. Richard Schwartz (Founder of IFS)
    • \”The Body Keeps the Score\” – Dr. Bessel van der Kolk (Trauma’s impact on the nervous system)
    • \”Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents\” – Dr. Lindsay Gibson (Healing childhood wounds)

    Videos & YouTube Channels:

    • IFS Institute (Official IFS resources)
    • The Holistic Psychologist (Inner child healing & nervous system work)
    • Dr. Gabor Maté (Understanding trauma’s long-term impact)

    Free Downloadable Worksheet: Healing Control and Panic with IFS

    This free guide will help you work through control-based reactions using IFS. Take your time—true healing happens in small steps.

    Download now

    Final Thoughts: Moving from Panic to Peace

    Panic in response to change isn’t a flaw—it’s a survival strategy from your past. By turning inward with curiosity and compassion, you can heal the root wounds and free yourself from the cycle of control and fear.

    Now, I’d love to hear from you:

    • What parts of this article resonated with you?
    • Have you noticed similar patterns in yourself?

    Let’s open up the conversation in the comments!

    Explore further

    Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child)

    Tarot for Shadow Work? A Beginner’s Guide (Part 1 of 6)

    Why Stillness Feels Unsettling for the CEN Mother at the Playground—And How to Heal

    Why Inconsiderate People Trigger You More Than They “Should”—And How to Heal the Wound Beneath

  • Why You Feel Restless When Trying to Relax and How to Stop It (+free PDF)

    Why Can’t You Just Rest?

    Imagine this:

    • You finally get a moment to rest. Maybe you lie down on the couch, take a deep breath, and close your eyes. But instead of relaxing, your brain fires up with urgency:
      • \”You should be doing something productive.\”
      • \”Check your phone—there might be something important.\”
      • \”You left that email unread. Just handle it quickly.\”
      • \”The kitchen is still a mess. You’ll feel better if you clean it first.\”
    • Within seconds, you find yourself grabbing your phone, scrolling, or getting up to do chores—even though you genuinely need rest.
    • You may have even cleared time for rest, thinking:
      • \”Tonight, I’ll finally just relax and watch a movie.\”
      • But then you pick up your laptop, answering emails while half-watching.
      • Or you decide to fold laundry while the movie plays—because just sitting there feels wrong.
    • Later, you may feel frustrated with yourself, thinking:
      • \”Why can’t I just do nothing?\”
      • \”Why do I feel guilty when I’m not being productive?\”
      • \”I’m exhausted, but I always find something else to do.\”

    Sound familiar?

    This isn’t just a “bad habit” or an issue of poor self-control. There are deeper emotional and nervous system reasonswhy your body and mind resist stillness—especially if you have Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) and a fearful-avoidant attachment style.

    What This Article Will Cover:

    • Why your brain and body resist rest (psychological & nervous system reasons).
    • The role of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) and attachment wounds in this struggle.
    • What’s happening internally when you feel restless.
    • How to slowly retrain yourself to feel safe in stillness.
    • A free downloadable worksheet to help you practice feeling comfortable with rest.

    This isn’t about forcing yourself to relax—it’s about understanding what’s happening inside you so you can work with it rather than fight it.

    Let’s dive in.

    Why Your Brain and Body Resist Rest

    If you struggle with stillness, it’s not because you’re lazy, weak, or “addicted to productivity.” Your nervous system and emotional history actively resist rest—often in ways that feel automatic and outside of your control.

    Here’s what’s happening beneath the surface.

    1. Your Nervous System Associates Stillness with Danger

    Imagine an animal in the wild. If it lies still for too long, it’s vulnerable to predators. In high-stress environments, stillness = danger because it leaves you unprepared to react.

    For many people with CEN and a fearful-avoidant attachment style, their early environment didn’t provide emotional safety. They learned to stay alert, anticipating unmet needs, emotional unpredictability, or rejection.

    • If your caregivers were emotionally unavailable, you might have learned:
      • \”No one will comfort me when I’m distressed.\”
      • \”I need to be self-sufficient all the time.\”
      • \”If I stop moving, I’ll feel the loneliness I’ve been avoiding.\”

    As a result, your body stays in a subtle fight-or-flight mode, keeping you mentally and physically active as a survival strategy.

    ➡️ Example: You sit on the couch to rest, but your body suddenly tenses. You feel an urge to check your phone, clean, or start a project—not because you actually want to, but because stillness feels wrong.

    2. You Learned to Tie Your Worth to Productivity

    If you grew up in an environment where love or validation was conditional on achievement, you may have internalized the belief:

    • \”I am only valuable when I am doing something productive.\”
    • \”Rest is lazy.\”
    • \”I don’t deserve rest unless I’ve ‘earned’ it.\”

    This belief is often deeply unconscious, yet it shapes your daily behavior. Resting feels uncomfortable because it contradicts the survival mechanism you built as a child.

    ➡️ Example: After finishing work, you feel an overwhelming urge to do one more thing—reply to an email, organize a drawer, or start a side project—because stopping feels like failure.

    3. Rest Feels Unsafe Because It Leaves Space for Unprocessed Emotions

    Stillness isn’t just a break from movement—it’s also a break from mental distractions.

    If you’ve spent years avoiding emotions—especially those tied to loneliness, self-doubt, or unmet childhood needs—then rest becomes a threat.

    • The moment you stop moving, these emotions bubble up.
    • Your brain automatically tries to drown them out with distractions.

    This can be especially strong in fearful-avoidant attachment styles, where emotions feel overwhelming and hard to regulate.

    ➡️ Example: You turn on a TV show “to relax,” but instead of focusing, you pick up your phone and scroll mindlessly. This isn’t just boredom—it’s an unconscious attempt to avoid being alone with your thoughts.

    4. Your Brain Craves Dopamine from Constant Stimulation

    Modern technology exploits this natural tendency by offering endless dopamine hits—from notifications to social media to constant background noise.

    If you’ve been chronically overstimulated, stillness feels like withdrawal. Your brain craves the next hit of engagement, so you instinctively reach for your phone or start doing something.

    ➡️ Example: You tell yourself, \”I’ll rest for 10 minutes.\” But within 30 seconds, you grab your phone to check anything, just to feel that tiny sense of engagement.

    5. Hyper-Independence Makes It Hard to “Let Go”

    If you had to self-soothe alone as a child, you likely developed hyper-independence—believing that relying on others (or even slowing down) is a weakness.

    Rest requires letting go, but your nervous system resists surrendering control because:

    • No one was there to support you emotionally as a child → you assume no one will be there now.
    • Stillness reminds you of past loneliness → you instinctively push it away.

    ➡️ Example: Lying in bed at night, instead of unwinding, you suddenly think of tasks you “need” to do—even though they could wait until morning. Your body resists relaxation because it’s wired for constant self-reliance.

    Why This Matters

    If any of this resonates, it’s not because you’re “bad at resting.” It’s because your body has learned to equate stillness with discomfort.

    But the good news? You can rewire this response—not by forcing yourself to rest, but by gradually building safety in stillness.

    How to Start Feeling Safe in Stillness

    Now that we understand why rest feels so uncomfortable, the next step is learning how to work with your nervous system—not against it—to retrain your body to feel safe slowing down.

    This process takes time, but with small, intentional changes, you can shift from feeling restless to experiencing stillness as a source of comfort and restoration.

    1. Start Small: Build Tolerance for Stillness Gradually

    If rest feels overwhelming, forcing yourself to “just relax” won’t work. Your body perceives stillness as a threat, so diving straight into prolonged rest can trigger even more resistance.

    Instead, try micro-moments of stillness throughout your day:

    • Before checking your phone in the morning, take 5 slow breaths.
    • Pause for 10 seconds before switching tasks. Just sit with your breath before jumping to the next thing.
    • At the end of the day, sit for one minute in silence before turning on a show or scrolling.

    At first, this may feel strangely uncomfortable—but that’s normal. You’re building tolerance for rest in a way that doesn’t overwhelm your nervous system.

    ➡️ Example: Instead of trying to meditate for 20 minutes (which may feel unbearable), start by closing your eyes for 10 seconds before getting up in the morning.

    2. Identify and Challenge the Thoughts That Drive Restlessness

    Much of our struggle with rest comes from internalized beliefs about productivity and worth.

    Common Thoughts That Keep You From Resting:

    • \”If I’m not doing something productive, I’m wasting time.\”
    • \”I haven’t done enough to deserve a break.\”
    • \”I’ll feel better if I just finish one more task.\”
    • \”Stillness means I’m being lazy.\”

    How to Reframe These Thoughts:

    • \”Rest is productive because it allows me to function better.\”
    • \”I don’t have to earn rest—my body naturally needs it.\”
    • \”Stillness isn’t laziness; it’s an important part of healing.\”

    ➡️ Example: Next time you feel the urge to grab your phone, pause and ask yourself: “What am I avoiding right now?” This simple awareness can help shift your response.

    3. Work with Your Nervous System: Move Toward “Rest and Digest”

    If your body is stuck in fight-or-flight, deep rest will feel impossible. Instead of forcing stillness, try gentle, regulating activities that bring you into “rest and digest” mode.

    Techniques to Help Your Nervous System Relax:

    ✔️ Breathwork: Try box breathing (inhale 4 sec, hold 4 sec, exhale 4 sec, hold 4 sec). This signals safety to your brain.
    ✔️ Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Tense and release different muscle groups.
    ✔️ Weighted Blanket: Provides deep pressure that calms the nervous system.
    ✔️ Gentle Rocking Motions: If you struggle with stillness, swaying slightly or using a rocking chair can ease the transition.

    ➡️ Example: If lying still feels impossible, start with slowly rocking while sitting. This provides gentle movementwhile still promoting relaxation.

    4. Allow Discomfort Without Avoiding It

    Stillness often brings up emotions we’ve been avoiding. Instead of escaping into distractions, try sitting with discomfort just a little longer before reaching for your phone or starting another task.

    • If rest triggers guilt, notice it and remind yourself: “Rest is not wrong.”
    • If rest brings up anxiety, try naming the feeling: “I feel unsettled, and that’s okay.”
    • If rest makes you feel empty, gently ask yourself: “What do I need right now?”

    At first, this might feel worse before it feels better—but over time, your brain will rewire to recognize stillness as safe.

    ➡️ Example: When you feel the urge to grab your phone, pause and tell yourself: \”I can sit with this feeling for 30 more seconds before reaching for it.\” Over time, this builds emotional tolerance.

    5. Create a Ritual for Rest

    One way to make rest feel intentional rather than “wasted” is to turn it into a ritual.

    Ideas for Rest Rituals:

    • Make tea and sit in silence for 5 minutes.
    • Put on soft music and lie down without distractions.
    • Stretch gently before bed to signal relaxation.
    • Use essential oils or candlelight to create a calm atmosphere.

    When rest becomes a structured, predictable experience, your body starts to associate it with safety rather than discomfort.

    ➡️ Example: Every night, light a candle and take three deep breaths before getting into bed. This signals to your nervous system: “It’s okay to slow down now.”

    6. Use Body-Based Practices to Release Stored Tension

    For those with CEN and fearful-avoidant attachment, rest can feel unsafe because the body is holding unprocessed emotional tension.

    Helpful Somatic Practices:

    ✔️ Yoga Nidra – A guided relaxation practice to release deep stress.
    ✔️ Tapping (EFT) – Helps calm anxiety and rewire stress responses. Check out the following YouTube channel for free guided tapping sessions: Tap with Brad
    ✔️ TRE (Tension & Trauma Releasing Exercises) – Uses gentle shaking to release stored trauma from the body.

    ➡️ Example: If lying down makes you anxious, try doing 5 minutes of gentle stretches first—this can help your body transition into a calmer state.

    Recommended Books & YouTube Resources

    Books:

    📖 The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel van der Kolk (How trauma affects the nervous system)
    📖 Rest is Resistance – Tricia Hersey (Reframing rest as necessary, not indulgent)
    📖 Anchored – Deb Dana (Using Polyvagal Theory to feel safe in rest)
    📖 The Myth of Normal – Gabor Maté (How modern life disconnects us from true rest)

    YouTube Channels:

    ▶️ Heidi Priebe – On fearful-avoidant attachment & self-regulation
    ▶️ Dr. Nicole LePera (The Holistic Psychologist) – Nervous system healing
    ▶️ Irene Lyon – Somatic healing & trauma release
    ▶️ Yoga with Adriene – Gentle yoga practices for relaxation

    Downloadable Worksheet: Learning to Feel Safe in Stillness

    This worksheet will help you understand your discomfort with rest, identify underlying beliefs, and create small, manageable steps to start feeling safe slowing down.

    Download now

    Q&A: Addressing Common Concerns About Rest and Stillness

    Q: Why do I feel anxious when I try to rest, even when I’m exhausted?

    A: If you grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) or have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, your nervous system may associate rest with vulnerability. Being still might bring up unprocessed emotions or a sense of emptiness that feels overwhelming. Your brain has learned to avoid this discomfort by staying busy. The key is gradual exposure—start with very short periods of stillness and pair them with grounding techniques like deep breathing or gentle movement.

    Q: I feel guilty when I rest. How can I change this?

    A: Many people with CEN received messages in childhood that their worth was tied to productivity or caretaking. To shift this, reframe rest as something essential for your well-being rather than a luxury. Try using affirmations like:

    • “Rest allows me to show up as my best self.”
    • “I deserve rest just because I exist.”

    It also helps to notice how rest benefits you—when you allow yourself to slow down, you make better decisions, feel more regulated, and have more energy for the things that matter.

    Q: I can only rest if I have something playing in the background. Is that bad?

    A: Not necessarily! Some people need transitional steps before they feel safe in true silence. If having a podcast or soft music on helps you relax, that’s okay. The goal isn’t to force yourself into silence immediately, but rather to become more comfortable with stillness over time. You can experiment with gradually lowering the volume or spending just a few minutes in quiet before turning something on.

    Q: What if I feel restless no matter what?

    A: This might mean your nervous system is stuck in a chronic state of hypervigilance—your body has learned that movement = safety. To shift this, incorporate regulating activities before attempting to rest, such as:

    • Gentle stretching or yoga
    • Rocking in a chair or swaying side to side
    • Weighted blankets for a sense of security
    • Body scans or progressive muscle relaxation

    If restlessness persists, explore whether unprocessed emotions or underlying fears are surfacing when you slow down. A therapist can help you work through these feelings in a safe, structured way.

    Final Thoughts: Embracing Rest as a Healing Practice

    Feeling unsettled during rest isn’t a sign that something is wrong with you—it’s a sign that your body and mind are adapting to a new way of being. If you’ve spent years avoiding stillness, it makes sense that rest feels uncomfortable at first. The goal isn’t to force yourself into deep relaxation overnight, but rather to build a sense of safety in stillness, little by little.

    Healing from CEN and fearful-avoidant patterns means learning to recognize and honor your true needs—including the need for restoration. The more you practice, the more your nervous system will learn that it is safe to pause, breathe, and just be.

    Join the Conversation!

    💬 Does this resonate with you? Have you noticed yourself avoiding stillness, and what strategies have helped you feel more comfortable resting? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below!

    📝 Download Your Free Worksheet to start building a healthier relationship with rest:

    Download now

    Explore further:

    👨‍👩‍👧Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child)

    😠Why Couples Bicker Over Small Things: How Unmet Needs Fuel Conflict—And What to Do Instead

    😡Why Inconsiderate People Trigger You More Than They “Should”—And How to Heal the Wound Beneath

    🛏️Why You Resist Sleep Even When Exhausted: The Hidden Emotional Roots of Insomnia

    🥰Childhood Emotional Neglect and Conflict Resolution in Relationships: How the 5 Love Languages Can Help

  • Why Couples Bicker Over Small Things: How Unmet Needs Fuel Conflict—And What to Do Instead

    Introduction: When Small Annoyances Turn Into Big Fights

    It\’s late at night. The baby is crying. One partner sighs and shifts in bed, hoping the other will get up. The other hesitates, waiting for a sign of willingness. Silence. The tension builds.

    Finally, one of them snaps:
    \”Why do I always have to be the one to do everything?\”

    The other groans:
    \”Are you kidding me? I do plenty. But of course, nothing I do is ever enough for you.\”

    Within seconds, an exhausted couple who should be comforting each other is now locked in a pointless argument. And neither of them really knows why.

    These kinds of conflicts—bickering over household tasks, parenting, or seemingly minor slights—are incredibly common in relationships. But if you’ve ever stepped back after a fight and thought, Why did we even argue about that?, you’re not alone.

    Often, these fights aren\’t actually about who should get up with the baby, whose turn it is to do the dishes, or whether someone left the lights on. Instead, they’re about something much deeper: unmet emotional needs, often shaped by childhood experiences.

    Why Do Small Things Trigger Big Reactions?

    If you and your partner find yourselves caught in cycles of bickering, there may be hidden emotional wounds at play. Many couples unknowingly carry unresolved childhood emotional neglect (CEN) and attachment wounds into their relationships, making even small conflicts feel like threats to their emotional security.

    This article will explore:
    ✔ Why small annoyances trigger strong emotions
    ✔ How childhood emotional neglect (CEN) and attachment styles shape conflict patterns
    ✔ Psychological frameworks that explain why we react the way we do
    ✔ Practical strategies to stop bickering and build a more emotionally connected relationship

    And to make these concepts actionable, we’re offering a free downloadable guide to help you and your partner identify your deeper needs and change your conflict patterns.

    Let’s start by uncovering what’s really going on beneath the surface.

    The Surface vs. The Root Cause: Why Couples Bicker Over Small Things

    At first glance, many relationship arguments seem trivial:

    • “You never put your phone down when I’m talking to you.”
    • “Why do I always have to remind you to take out the trash?”
    • “Do you even hear yourself? You’re always so critical.”

    To an outsider, these might seem like small grievances. But for the people involved, they can escalate into resentment, cold silences, or even major fights. Why?

    Because the fight isn\’t really about the trash, the phone, or the tone of voice.

    What’s Really Happening?

    When couples bicker over minor issues, there’s often a hidden emotional need that’s been ignored for too long. The actual argument is just the tip of the iceberg. Underneath, deeper fears and unmet needs are at play.

    Let’s break it down with an example:

    Example 1: \”You Never Listen to Me\”

    What one partner says:
    \”You never put your phone down when I’m talking to you.\”

    What they really mean:
    \”I feel unimportant to you. I need to feel seen and heard.\”

    How the other partner hears it:
    \”You think I’m a bad partner. You’re always finding something wrong with me.\”

    Why they react defensively:
    Instead of recognizing the unmet emotional need behind the complaint, they feel attacked and respond with:
    \”That’s not true! I was just checking something for work. You’re overreacting!\”

    Now, the original emotional need (feeling seen and heard) goes unmet again, and the cycle repeats.

    How Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) Makes This Worse

    For couples where both partners experienced childhood emotional neglect (CEN), these patterns are even stronger.

    If your emotions were dismissed or ignored as a child, you may have learned:

    • That your feelings don’t matter.
    • That asking for emotional support is \”needy\” or \”weak.\”
    • That people won’t meet your needs, so it\’s best to suppress them.

    As an adult, this plays out in your relationship:

    • You don’t recognize your own emotional needs, so you express them through irritation, criticism, or passive-aggressive comments instead of direct communication.
    • You assume your partner should just know what you need, and when they don’t, you feel rejected.
    • Your partner—who may also have CEN—doesn’t know how to respond emotionally, so they shut down or get defensive.

    How Attachment Styles Influence These Fights

    Childhood experiences also shape our attachment styles, which determine how we react in relationships.

    For couples where both partners lean fearful-avoidant, the conflict pattern often looks like this:

    1. One partner craves closeness but fears rejection.
      • Instead of directly asking for reassurance, they make a passive-aggressive or critical comment (e.g., “You never listen to me”).
    2. The other partner fears failure and rejection.
      • They misinterpret the comment as an attack and either lash out (anger) or withdraw (shut down).
    3. Neither gets their emotional needs met, and resentment grows.

    This cycle happens because neither partner was taught how to recognize, express, or respond to emotional needs in childhood.

    Another Example: \”Why Do I Always Have to Do Everything?\”

    A classic conflict among couples, especially new parents.

    What one partner says:
    \”Why do I always have to be the one to handle the baby at night?\”

    What they really mean:
    \”I feel exhausted and unsupported. I need reassurance that we’re in this together.\”

    How the other partner hears it:
    \”You think I’m useless. You’re blaming me.\”

    Why they react defensively:
    \”I do plenty! You just don’t appreciate what I do!\”

    Now, both partners feel unseen, unappreciated, and misunderstood—even though they’re both struggling with the same underlying issue: feeling alone in their stress.

    The Key Takeaway

    Most couples don’t argue because they dislike each other. They argue because their deeper emotional needs are going unspoken and unmet.

    Instead of:
    ❌ \”You never help with the baby.\”
    Try:
    ✅ \”I feel really overwhelmed. Can we figure out a better way to share this?\”

    Instead of:
    ❌ \”You always ignore me.\”
    Try:
    ✅ \”I miss feeling connected to you. Can we have some phone-free time together?\”

    Recognizing what’s really driving the conflict is the first step in breaking the cycle. In the next section, we’ll explore the psychological research behind these patterns and how stress affects couples’ ability to communicate.

    The Psychology Behind Relationship Conflict: Why Stress Makes Everything Harder

    Even when couples have unresolved childhood wounds, they might navigate daily life without major conflict—until stress enters the picture.

    Stress reduces emotional bandwidth, making it harder to regulate emotions, communicate clearly, and respond with empathy.

    How Stress Hijacks Emotional Regulation

    Under stress, the brain shifts into survival mode, prioritizing immediate threats over emotional nuance. This is why even a small frustration can feel like an attack when you\’re exhausted or overwhelmed.

    Here’s what happens in the brain:

    1. The amygdala (the brain’s alarm system) overreacts
      • Instead of assessing the situation calmly, it triggers a fight-or-flight response.
      • This makes you hyper-focused on perceived threats—like your partner’s tone, facial expression, or wording.
    2. The prefrontal cortex (logical thinking) goes offline
      • The brain deprioritizes rational thought, making it harder to pause, reflect, or communicate effectively.
      • This is why people blurt out things they don’t mean or misinterpret their partner’s words.
    3. The body prepares for defense, not connection
      • Heart rate and cortisol levels rise, making calm conversation feel impossible.
      • The body assumes conflict = danger, so partners shut down, lash out, or retreat.

    Research on Stress and Conflict

    Multiple studies confirm that stress impairs relationship dynamics:

    • A 2010 study found that couples under chronic stress interpret neutral statements as hostile—meaning a simple “Did you put the dishes away?” can sound like a personal attack.
    • A 2015 study on emotional regulation found that when people are stressed, they have a harder time recognizing their partner’s emotions, leading to more misunderstandings and defensiveness.
    • John Gottman’s research shows that couples who regularly experience \”flooding\” (overwhelm during conflict)are more likely to withdraw emotionally and have unresolved resentment.

    CEN, Fearful-Avoidant Attachment, and Stress: A Perfect Storm for Miscommunication

    For couples where both partners have childhood emotional neglect (CEN) and lean fearful-avoidant, stress makes everything worse because:

    1. They already struggle with emotional awareness
      • If they grew up dismissing their own feelings, they won\’t recognize when they’re triggered—they’ll just feel “annoyed” or “resentful” without knowing why.
    2. They misinterpret each other’s stress responses
      • One partner withdraws → the other sees it as rejection.
      • One partner gets irritated → the other sees it as an attack.
    3. They lack the emotional vocabulary to repair quickly
      • Instead of saying, \”I’m feeling overwhelmed, can we talk about this later?\”
      • They might shut down, get defensive, or escalate the argument.

    How Stress Escalates a Simple Interaction

    Let’s apply this research to a real-life scenario:

    Scenario: The Baby is Crying Again

    It’s 2 AM. The baby is crying. Both parents are exhausted.

    Partner A’s internal experience (fearful-avoidant, CEN background)

    • “I don’t want to get up again. But I feel like I have to, or my partner will resent me.”
    • “Why don’t they just offer to take over?”
    • “I feel so alone in this.”
    • [Stress triggers feelings of neglect and resentment.]

    Partner B’s internal experience (fearful-avoidant, CEN background)

    • “I’m exhausted. Why do I always have to be the responsible one?”
    • “If I ask them to get up, they’ll just act annoyed, and I’ll feel rejected.”
    • “It’s easier to just do it myself.”
    • [Stress triggers feelings of unworthiness and frustration.]

    What Actually Happens

    Partner A sighs heavily and stays silent.
    Partner B hears the sigh and feels criticized.
    Partner B snaps: \”I guess I’ll just do everything myself!\”
    Partner A, now feeling unappreciated, gets defensive: \”That’s not fair! I do plenty!\”
    Within seconds, they’re arguing about who does more work—when in reality, both just feel alone and unseen.

    What Would Help Instead?

    Instead of defaulting to old emotional survival patterns, couples can learn to:

    • Recognize the stress response (\”My brain is in fight-or-flight mode. This isn’t actually about the baby.\”)
    • Pause before reacting (\”Let’s take a breath before this turns into a fight.\”)
    • Express the real need instead of the frustration (\”I feel exhausted and alone. Can we figure out how to support each other better?\”)

    Scenario 2: \”Why Didn’t You Tell Me?\”

    It’s Friday evening. Partner A had a long, exhausting day at work. Partner B mentions casually:

    \”Oh, by the way, my parents are coming over tomorrow morning.\”

    Partner A’s internal experience (fearful-avoidant, CEN background)

    • “Wait… tomorrow morning? Why didn’t they tell me earlier? Now I have to rearrange my plans.”
    • “I feel caught off guard and like I don’t have control over my own time.”
    • “They always spring things on me last-minute. Do they even respect me?”
    • [Stress triggers feelings of being unheard and powerless.]

    Partner B’s internal experience (fearful-avoidant, CEN background)

    • “I forgot to mention it, but I didn’t think it was a big deal.”
    • “Why are they getting so upset? They always make me feel like I did something wrong.”
    • “I hate feeling like I have to defend myself for every little thing.”
    • [Stress triggers feelings of shame and rejection.]

    What Actually Happens

    Partner A, feeling blindsided, reacts irritably:
    \”Why didn’t you tell me earlier? You always do this!\”

    Partner B, now feeling criticized and defensive, snaps back:
    \”It’s not a big deal! Why are you overreacting?\”

    Now, they’re arguing about how information was shared instead of acknowledging the real emotional issue: Partner A feels disrespected, and Partner B feels unappreciated.

    What Would Help Instead?

    Instead of defaulting to emotional defensiveness and blame, a better approach would be:

    • Partner A acknowledges their trigger: “I realize I get overwhelmed when plans change suddenly. It makes me feel like I have no control.”
    • Partner B acknowledges their tendency to avoid confrontation: “I should have told you sooner. I tend to hold back because I assume it’ll cause conflict.”
    • They both work toward a solution: “Let’s agree to give each other a heads-up about plans at least a day in advance.”

    Key Takeaways from This Section

    ✔ Stress makes couples more reactive and less emotionally attuned
    ✔ CEN and fearful-avoidant attachment amplify misinterpretations
    ✔ Most fights aren’t about the actual topic but about unspoken emotional needs
    ✔ Self-awareness and emotional regulation can break the cycle

    ✔ Small communication gaps can feel like big betrayals when emotional needs aren’t met.
    ✔ Fearful-avoidant partners often assume their emotions won’t be received well, leading to avoidance.
    ✔ Instead of reacting defensively, recognizing the emotional trigger can defuse the situation.

    In the next section, we’ll go over practical steps to change these patterns—including how to recognize your triggers, communicate better, and create emotional safety in your relationship.

    Breaking the Cycle: How to Shift from Bickering to Connection

    Once we recognize that stress, CEN, and attachment wounds are fueling these conflicts, the next step is learning how to break the cycle. This isn’t about forcing yourself to “communicate better” in the heat of the moment—it’s about rewiring the deeper patterns that lead to these fights in the first place.

    Step 1: Recognizing Your Emotional Triggers

    Most fights aren’t about what’s actually happening—they’re about what it represents emotionally.

    Instead of focusing on the surface issue (who does more chores, who forgot to communicate), try identifying:

    • What emotion was triggered? (Rejection, abandonment, powerlessness?)
    • What past experience does this remind you of? (Being ignored as a child? Feeling unseen?)
    • What story are you telling yourself? (“They don’t care about me.” “I always have to do everything alone.”)

    Practical Exercise: The Emotional Check-In

    Next time you feel triggered, pause and ask yourself:
    ✔ What am I feeling right now? (Not just “annoyed” or “angry” but deeper emotions like hurt, unseen, overwhelmed.)
    ✔ What’s the fear beneath this? (Fear of rejection? Fear of not being enough?)
    ✔ What do I actually need? (Validation? Reassurance? A sense of partnership?)

    This can help you respond with awareness instead of automatically reacting.

    Step 2: Shifting from Reactivity to Connection

    When both partners have CEN and fearful-avoidant attachment, neither is naturally skilled at repairing conflict. They tend to either:

    1. Shut down and withdraw (avoidance), or
    2. Escalate into blame and defensiveness (attack).

    The key is learning to pause before reacting and shift toward curiosity instead of defense.

    How to Do This in the Moment

    Instead of reacting, try using one of these scripts:

    ✔ If you feel triggered but don’t want to fight:
    ➡ “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. I need a second to process before I respond.”

    ✔ If your partner seems distant or upset:
    ➡ “Hey, I noticed you got quiet. Are you feeling okay? I want to understand.”

    ✔ If you feel defensive but want to reconnect:
    ➡ “I think I just reacted out of stress. What I really meant to say was…”

    This small pause and shift can prevent a simple misunderstanding from turning into a full-blown argument.

    Step 3: Learning to Express Needs Instead of Criticism

    Most partners with CEN and fearful-avoidant attachment struggle to express needs directly because:

    • They weren’t taught that their needs mattered growing up.
    • They fear their partner will dismiss them (as their parents may have).
    • They default to resentment or withdrawal instead of direct communication.

    Shifting from Criticism → Vulnerability

    Instead of…
    ❌ “You never listen to me!” (Criticism)
    Try…
    ✅ “I feel unheard, and I really need to feel like what I say matters.” (Vulnerability)

    Instead of…
    ❌ “You always dismiss my feelings!”
    Try…
    ✅ “When you say X, I feel like my emotions don’t matter. Can we talk about that?”

    Vulnerability invites connection, while criticism invites defense.

    Practical Exercise: The Needs Discovery Worksheet

    (included in my free downloadable resource)

    • Write down 3 emotional needs that often go unmet in your relationship.
    • Describe a past moment when you felt triggered.
    • Rewrite the way you could have expressed your need vulnerably instead of reacting.

    Practicing this over time trains your brain to communicate in a way that invites closeness instead of conflict.

    Step 4: Creating Emotional Safety in the Relationship

    A couple where both partners have CEN and fearful-avoidant tendencies will struggle with trust and emotional safety. Even small misunderstandings can feel like threats instead of minor hiccups.

    To change this, you need to consistently build trust through:

    ✔ Micro-moments of connection (checking in, validating each other’s emotions, small acts of kindness).
    ✔ Repairing conflict quickly (instead of letting resentment build).
    ✔ Reassuring each other that emotions are safe here (expressing feelings won’t lead to rejection).

    A Simple Trust-Building Exercise

    Each night, ask each other:

    • “What’s one thing I did today that made you feel cared for?”
    • “What’s one thing you needed more of?”

    This keeps small emotional needs from turning into long-term resentments.

    Healing Together, Not Against Each Other

    ✔ Most couples don’t fight about what they think they’re fighting about.
    ✔ Bickering often comes from unmet emotional needs and stress responses.
    ✔ The key is shifting from reactivity to curiosity, criticism to vulnerability.
    ✔ Small daily changes build trust and emotional safety over time.

    → Next Step: Download our free worksheet on recognizing emotional triggers and expressing needs in a healthy way!

    Download now

    Further Resources: Books & Videos to Deepen Your Understanding

    Healing relationship patterns shaped by CEN and attachment wounds takes time. If you resonated with this article, these books and videos will give you more guidance and practical tools.

    Best Books on Unmet Emotional Needs & Attachment in Relationships

    1. The Power of Attachment – Diane Poole Heller

    This book explores how attachment wounds impact adult relationships and provides strategies to create more security, especially for those with fearful-avoidant tendencies.

    2. Running on Empty – Jonice Webb

    The go-to book for understanding Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). It explains how growing up with unmet emotional needs affects self-worth, relationships, and emotional regulation.

    3. Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection – Deb Dana

    Since many attachment wounds are stored in the nervous system, this book provides practical exercises to shift out of survival mode and build emotional safety in relationships.

    4. Attached – Amir Levine & Rachel Heller

    A widely recommended introduction to attachment theory, explaining the different styles and how to build secure relationships.

    Best YouTube Channels for Understanding Emotional Triggers & Attachment

    1. Heidi Priebe

    Heidi Priebe’s YouTube Channel
    ✔ Specializes in fearful-avoidant attachment and emotional intimacy issues.
    ✔ Covers why avoidant partners pull away and how to build healthier connections.

    2. The Holistic Psychologist (Dr. Nicole LePera)

    The Holistic Psychologist on YouTube
    ✔ Focuses on self-healing, nervous system regulation, and reparenting.
    ✔ Offers tools to break cycles of emotional neglect and unhealthy relationship patterns.

    3. Patrick Teahan, LICSW

    Patrick Teahan’s YouTube Channel
    ✔ Explains how childhood trauma shapes adult relationships.
    ✔ Offers practical techniques for communicating without triggering old wounds.

    4. Thais Gibson (Personal Development School)

    Thais Gibson on YouTube
    ✔ Covers attachment theory in-depth, especially for those with fearful-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant styles.
    ✔ Offers practical strategies to shift toward secure attachment.

    5. Irene Lyon, MSC

    Irene Lyon’s YouTube Channel
    ✔ Teaches nervous system healing to help people regulate emotions and improve relationships.
    ✔ Great for those who feel chronically anxious or shut down in relationships.

    Download worksheet for free

    To make these insights practical and actionable and stop bickering with your partner, download my free worksheet. It will help you:

    ✔ Identify your core emotional triggers in conflict.
    ✔ Learn to express needs without criticism or blame.
    ✔ Practice small daily trust-building exercises.

    Download now

    Final Thoughts: Breaking the Cycle of Unmet Needs and Conflict

    Small arguments in relationships are often symptoms of deeper, unresolved emotional needs. When both partners have a history of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) and a fearful-avoidant attachment style, their triggers become heightened, especially in stressful situations.

    By recognizing the root of these patterns, shifting communication styles, and actively rebuilding emotional safety, couples can begin to replace bickering with connection. It’s a gradual process, but with awareness, tools, and practice, these dynamics can shift toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

    I’d Love to Hear Your Thoughts!

    Have you experienced small arguments in your relationship that seem to stem from deeper emotional needs? How do you handle conflict when stress is high? Share your insights or personal experiences in the comments below! Your thoughts could help others navigate their own relationship challenges. Let\’s start a conversation!

    Explore further:

    💕 Childhood Emotional Neglect and Conflict Resolution in Relationships: How the 5 Love Languages Can Help

    😡 Why Inconsiderate People Trigger You More Than They “Should”—And How to Heal the Wound Beneath

    🍪 Healing Your Relationship with Food: Understanding Emotional Eating and Building New Habits

    👨‍👩‍👧 Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child)