Part 1 of the “8 Hidden Wounds” series
🔗 This piece is part of: The 8 Hidden Wounds That Shape How We Parent — and How to Gently Break the Cycle
Discover Pete Walker’s 4 abuses and 4 neglects — how they echo through us as parents, and how to soften them with real tools, reflections, and free gentle guides.
🪶 When the body remembers
Some memories sit not in our minds but in our shoulders, our bellies, the backs of our necks.
A slammed door, a shouted name, the sudden crack of a hand across skin — even if the details fade, the body holds it all.
Maybe you remember the footsteps in the hall at night — each one tightening your chest.
Or the shame of tears you tried to swallow to prove you were “tough enough.”
Or the way your body flinched when an adult’s hand rose, even if it was just to scratch their head.
We grow up. We say: Never again.
Then we have children — wild, beautiful, infuriating children — and something unexpected happens: in the heat of chaos, the old memory stands in the room too.
“Trauma comes back as a reaction, not a memory.” — Bessel van der Kolk
🔥 How this old wound shows up in daily life
Physical abuse doesn’t always mean repeated beatings. It can be the casual slap “for your own good,” the rough yank by the collar, the smack that’s brushed off with “I was just disciplining you.”
Today, it lives on in subtle moments:
- A parent grips their toddler’s arm hard at the checkout line when they beg for candy.
- A mother wrestles her five-year-old into a jacket, frustration dripping from every motion.
- A father barks “I’ll smack you if you don’t quit that now!” at the dinner table.
- A tired caregiver squeezes their child’s cheeks to force them to look when they’re ignored.
- Or the hand never lands — but the threat does: the raised voice, the towering posture, the slammed door that leaves a child trembling.
Many of us know this pattern so well because it was done to us. Maybe it didn’t happen daily — maybe you still hear an inner voice whisper, “But I deserved it. I was bad.”
🌾 Why it stays hidden: “We turned out fine”
Some families, cultures, or communities carry deep stories that protect this pattern. “A little slap never hurt anyone.” “I was beaten — look at me, I’m strong.”
But research — from the World Health Organization to pediatric psychologists — is clear: physical punishment increases aggression, fear, secrecy, and a disconnect from trust. (Gershoff & Grogan-Kaylor, 2016)
Dr. Gabor Maté writes that the core wound is not just the strike — it’s the betrayal that the one meant to protect you becomes the threat. The child learns: love is not safe. Connection is conditional.
🔄 Why we repeat it — even when we hate it
Pete Walker explains that for survivors of physical abuse, parts of us become stuck in “fight mode.” We developed protectors — frozen in the moment of threat.
When our children yell “NO!” in our face, or kick a sibling, or throw a toy — that fight part says: Danger. You must overpower them before they overpower you.
The mind might know better. But the body — tight jaw, clenched fists, hot chest — drags us back.
And when our own kids see that flash of rage, they don’t see our good intentions. They feel what we once felt: fear and shame.
🧩 Tiny ways this might appear
Let’s name a few more real-life moments:
- Your child hits you — your whole nervous system explodes: “How dare you.”
- You force them into pajamas as they flail, saying “Stop it or I’ll smack you!”
- In the car, you brake hard, twist around, and bark: “Do you want to get hit?!”
- You see your older child roll their eyes — your hand twitches before your mind stops you.
Sometimes it’s the not acting that’s the win. But the child still feels the heat of your rage — they feel the power dynamic shift.
🪞 If this is you — you’re not failing
This is not about shame.
This is about seeing what was invisible.
The fact that you’re reading this — that you care enough to notice your edge — that is cycle-breaking work.
🧘 IFS: Who inside you is protecting you?
Richard Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems work reminds us: No bad parts.
If your hand tightens on your child’s arm, that is not your Self. That is your fight part — the seven-year-old or fifteen-year-old inside you, frozen in a time when power was survival.
When you feel the urge to threaten or grab, pause:
- How old do I feel right now?
- What does this part fear?
- What does it wish would happen instead?
🌾 What happens if we don’t pause
A child who is handled roughly learns:
- “My body can be hurt when I get it wrong.”
- “My parent’s anger is bigger than my feelings.”
- “I must be small, quiet, good — or else.”
They grow up with the same seed: Power means force.
And so the pattern rolls forward — unless we choose the tiny, hard pause.
🛠️ Practical micro-steps to pause the cycle
When the heat rises, try this:
🔹 Pause your hands:
Put them behind your back, hold your own wrist. Feel your pulse. Remind your body: I choose not to hurt.
🔹 Lower your body:
Get below the child’s eye level. Power shifts. Say:
“I am too angry right now. I’m stepping back. We’re safe.”
🔹 Take a break:
If your child is safe, step away. Breathe into your belly: in for 4, out for 6. One minute changes the story.
🗝️ Repair: the step most of us never learned
If you do lose it — shout, grab too hard, threaten — what happens next matters more than perfection.
A child’s nervous system needs repair to make sense of what happened.
Most of us never got this. So here’s how to do it differently.
Examples of everyday repair moments:
- “I was too rough. That was not okay. You did not deserve that.”
- “When I grabbed you, you looked so scared. I’m so sorry I scared you.”
- “I’m working hard to do better. I might get it wrong again, but I’ll always make it right with you.”
- “You are not bad. I was not being my calmest self.”
Repair doesn’t erase pain — it softens it so it doesn’t root as shame.
🌿 Gentle discipline: strong boundaries without force
Many parents fear that if they don’t use physical force — a smack, a grab, a shove — they’ll lose all control. The truth is, healthy boundaries are stronger than fear.
Children need boundaries to feel safe. Not force — containment.
Gentle discipline is not soft parenting with no limits — it’s clear, calm, protective.
Try these real-world swaps:
- Instead of yanking your child by the arm to stop them running: block with your body. Kneel down, catch eye contact: “Your body must stay safe. My job is to protect you.”
- Instead of slapping when they hit you: hold their hands gently but firmly. Say: “I won’t let you hurt me. I will help you calm your big feelings.”
- Instead of dragging them to their room: guide them with a hand on their back, steady voice: “We’re both too angry. Let’s cool down.”
🗝️ Gentle discipline tools for older kids
Physical control often happens when kids get big enough to challenge you in words. If your teen slams a door in your face, your body might want to break the door down.
Pause. Instead:
- Knock calmly. “I’m too angry to talk calmly now. I’ll come back when I can listen.”
- Hold your boundary: “Doors can’t be slammed. If it happens again, we’ll take the door off for a bit. I want to help you, not fight you.”
- Model strength without domination. “I get angry too. But my job is to protect, not punish.”
🌾 A family ritual: rewrite the story daily
Small daily moments repair what once broke us.
Try this “Safe Hands” ritual:
At bedtime, place your hands gently on your child’s shoulders, or hold their hand in yours. Whisper:
“These hands keep you safe. These hands never hurt. These hands always come back to say sorry if they ever scare you.”
And for yourself:
Put one hand on your heart, one on your belly:
“These hands protect, they do not punish. I keep them soft.”
🧘 IFS reflection: tending your protector part
When you feel that old surge — that urge to grab or strike — meet the part inside:
- Sit quietly when you can. Close your eyes.
- Ask: Who in me wants to explode? How old is this part? What is it so afraid of?
- Imagine your calm Self holding that protector’s hand: “You did your best to keep me safe. But I’m here now. You don’t have to fight so hard anymore.”
📚 Practical: keep your tools visible
- Write a short Pause Script on a sticky note. Put it by your child’s bedroom light switch, in your car, or on the fridge.
- Practice your “Safe Hands” ritual daily for 7 days — watch how your body softens.
- After a hard moment, repair within the hour if possible. The sooner, the softer the landing.
🫶 You are the repair
You are not doomed by what was done to you.
You are not failing when you notice the old heat in your hands — you are succeeding, because you notice.
Every pause, every breath, every I’m sorry teaches your child: Love can hold anger. Love can make mistakes and come back.
This is not perfection — it is enough.
“What is done to children, they will do to society — unless we stop it in ourselves first.”
— Karl A. Menninger
📥 Your free gentle parenting guide
✅ Calming pause scripts
✅ Gentle alternatives for everyday chaos
✅ Repair scripts for tense moments
✅ Journal prompts to meet your protectors
✅ A daily “Safe Hands” ritual to build trust
Print it. Tape it inside a cupboard. Share it with a partner. Let it hold your hand when you feel the old story rising.
🔜 Next: Words That Cut — Verbal & Emotional Abuse
Hands bruise skin. Words bruise the spirit.
In Part 2, you’ll discover:
- Why we shout or shame — even when we swore not to
- How sarcasm and yelling echo old wounds
- How to speak truth with warmth, firmness, and repair
👉 Read Part 2: Breaking the Cycle of Verbal & Emotional Abuse →
📚 References
- Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
- Schwartz, R. (2021). No Bad Parts
- van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score
- Gershoff, E. T., & Grogan-Kaylor, A. (2016). Spanking and Child Outcomes: Old Controversies and New Meta-Analyses. Journal of Family Psychology, 30(4), 453–469.
- Maté, G. (2003). When the Body Says No
Explore further:
https://www.fromcentowholeness.com/parenting-cycles-childhood-trauma/
Deep Dive: Why You Get So Angry With Your Toddler – And How to Repair With Love (+free resources)
Why Your Child Acts Out with Their Father — and You’re Left Carrying It All (+Free IFS Dialogue)
Becoming the Parent You Needed: Healing the Mother-Daughter Dynamic (+free journal)
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