Healing the Void: From CEN to Wholeness, A Psychological and Seasonal Journey

Category: Healing and Connecting: Psychological Theories for Personal Growth and Relationships

  • Motherhood as a Journey of Growth: Embracing the Transition from Maiden to Mother

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    Motherhood changes you. Sometimes in ways you expect—sometimes in ways that shake you to your core.

    One day, you’re you—the person you’ve always known yourself to be. And then, you become someone’s mother.

    For some women, that shift feels natural. For others, it feels like a slow, quiet loss—a fading of the person they once were.

    Maybe you miss the version of yourself who had uninterrupted thoughts, spontaneous outings, or even just the freedom to be alone in your own skin. Maybe you wonder if you’ll ever feel like yourself again.

    This isn’t just a lifestyle change. It’s a psychological transformation.

    There’s a name for this: matrescence—the process of becoming a mother. Just like adolescence, it’s messy, emotional, and full of uncertainty. And like all transitions, it doesn’t happen overnight.

    For some, it happens gradually. For others, it only fully lands after their second child, or when their last baby stops napping and they realize alone time is officially gone.

    But here’s the truth: You aren’t losing yourself. You’re becoming more of who you are.

    This article is here to hold your hand through that journey—to help you understand what’s happening, why you might be resisting it, and how to step into this new role in a way that feels whole, intentional, and deeply you.

    The Maiden Archetype: Who We Were Before Motherhood

    Before children, we are the maiden—a stage of life filled with possibility, self-discovery, and freedom.

    In the maiden phase, you:

    • Follow your own rhythms and desires
    • Make decisions based on what you want and need
    • Feel like your identity is clear—anchored in your work, passions, friendships, or creativity

    This phase is beautiful and necessary. It’s where we build our sense of who we are in the world.

    But then, motherhood happens. And suddenly, we are responsible for someone else’s entire existence.

    And that shift? It can feel like an earthquake.

    The Mother Archetype: What Changes Inside Us

    Stepping into motherhood isn’t just about taking care of a child—it’s about becoming a different version of ourselves.

    The mother archetype is defined by:

    • Deep emotional attunement
    • A fierce, protective love
    • Less focus on personal ambition, more on caregiving
    • A shift from self-exploration to stability and responsibility

    But here’s the part that no one talks about:

    This transition isn’t instant.

    Many of us resist it.

    We feel angry about losing our independence.
    We grieve the version of ourselves who had time to just be.
    We wonder if we’ll ever feel that lightness again.

    And that’s okay.

    Resisting this transition doesn’t mean you don’t love your child. It means you’re human.

    The Resistance Phase: Why It’s So Hard to Let Go of Who We Were

    Maybe you feel it, too—that deep pull to hold onto your old self.

    Maybe you:

    • Feel resentful about always being needed (I discuss the underlying cause of mother rage here)
    • Long for the space to hear your own thoughts again
    • Grieve the spontaneity of your pre-motherhood life
    • Feel guilty for wanting more than just motherhood

    For many women, this resistance is strongest after their second child, when the weight of caregiving becomes undeniable.

    For others, it happens when their last child stops napping, and they realize that quiet moments are no longer guaranteed.

    This resistance is normal. It’s part of the process.

    And just like all transitions, you don’t have to rush it.

    You are allowed to grieve what you’ve lost, even while loving what you’ve gained.

    If you currently feel lost and overwhelmed, read about The Unexpected challenges of motherhood: A Dark Night of the Soul (and how to eventually emerge from it!)

    Matrescence: The Psychology & Biology of Motherhood’s Identity Shift

    Matrescence is a biological, emotional, and hormonal transformation—not just an identity crisis.

    Science shows that motherhood physically changes your brain (Kim et al., 2010). Your gray matter shifts, making you more attuned to your child’s needs. Your hormones rewire your priorities.

    • Oxytocin deepens bonding but makes you more emotionally sensitive.
    • Prolactin pushes you into caregiving mode but can dampen motivation for personal pursuits.
    • Estrogen & progesterone fluctuations affect mood, identity, and resilience.

    So if you feel different? If you’re wondering why you don’t recognize yourself anymore?

    It’s because you are literally becoming someone new.

    Glimmers: The Opposite of Triggers

    Motherhood is full of triggers—moments that push us into frustration, exhaustion, or self-doubt.

    But it’s also full of glimmers—small, fleeting moments of pure love and connection.

    A glimmer is:

    • The warmth of your child sleeping against your chest
    • The way they reach for you instinctively, like you’re home
    • The sparkle in their eyes when they see you walk into a room

    Glimmers are the moments that remind you why this transition is worth it.

    The more you notice them, the easier this journey becomes.

    This article on the gifts of motherhood includes many more examples of glimmers and a free journaling worksheet for a sense of gratitude and accomplishment.

    How to Support Yourself Through This Transformation

    1. Acknowledge the Grief and the Growth

    • You are allowed to grieve your old self.
    • You are also allowed to love who you are becoming.

    2. Create Rituals to Mark the Transition

    3. Find Books That Help You Make Sense of It All
    Some books that beautifully capture this transition:

    These books don’t tell you how to parent—they help you understand how to navigate the identity shift of becoming a mother.

    I go deeper into the healing potential of Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood in the following book review.

    (If you’re looking for books to help you through this journey, I’ve included Amazon affiliate links—but please support local bookstores or thrift shops when possible! If you were going to buy from Amazon anyway, I’d appreciate you using my link.)

    You Are Still You—Just a Deeper Version

    Motherhood doesn’t erase you.

    It stretches you.
    It deepens you.
    It teaches you to hold opposites—love and exhaustion, joy and grief, identity and surrender.

    You don’t have to do this perfectly.

    You just have to allow yourself to become.

    And when you do?
    You might just find that the woman you’re becoming is someone you truly love.

    What Has Helped You in This Transition?

    I’d love to hear your thoughts—how have you navigated the shift from maiden to mother? What moments helped you settle into your new identity? Let’s support each other in the comments.

    References

    Kim, P., Rigo, P., Mayes, L. C., Feldman, R., Leckman, J. F., & Swain, J. E. (2010). \”Motherhood-induced neuroplasticity: Increased gray matter volume in the maternal brain.\” Behavioral Neuroscience, 124(6), 815-825.

    Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. Norton.

    Marchiano, L. (2021). Motherhood: Facing and Finding Yourself. Sounds True.

  • Recommended Books for Emotional Healing & Motherhood

    Welcome to my curated list of must-read books for anyone on a journey of emotional healing, especially mothers seeking to understand and overcome the impacts of childhood emotional neglect (CEN), attachment wounds, and complex parenting challenges. These books have deeply influenced my understanding of motherhood, healing, and building stronger relationships. Whether you’re just beginning to explore these topics or looking to deepen your self-care practice, you’ll find inspiration and practical guidance here.

    My Top Book Recommendations

    Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect

    By Dr. Jonice Webb
    This groundbreaking book explains how childhood emotional neglect can leave us feeling empty and disconnected. Dr. Webb provides compassionate insight into the long-term effects of unmet emotional needs and offers practical strategies for healing and reclaiming your emotional life.
    Buy on Amazon →

    The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

    By Dr. Gary Chapman
    Dr. Chapman’s classic explores how we express and receive love. Understanding your love language—and that of your partner—can transform your relationships. This book is especially valuable for those who struggle to communicate affection due to past emotional neglect.
    Buy on Amazon →

    Motherhood: Facing and Finding Yourself

    By Lisa Marchiano
    In this honest and transformative work, Marchiano dives into the emotional complexities of motherhood. She invites mothers to face the hidden wounds of their past, particularly those stemming from emotional neglect, and to embark on a journey of self-discovery and healing.
    Buy on Amazon →

    What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

    By Bruce Perry & Oprah Winfrey
    This powerful book reframes trauma by asking, “What happened to you?” rather than “What’s wrong with you?” It offers deep insights into how our early experiences shape us and provides a compassionate guide for understanding and healing from trauma.
    Buy on Amazon →

    The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

    By Bessel van der Kolk
    A seminal work on trauma, this book explains how traumatic experiences affect both the mind and body. It offers practical tools and treatment options for healing, making it an essential resource for anyone working through emotional wounds and striving for wholeness.
    Buy on Amazon →

    Disclaimer

    I encourage you to support your local community by purchasing these titles from local bookstores or thrift shops whenever possible. If local options are not available, and you choose to use Amazon, please use my affiliate links. These links come at no additional cost to you, and they help support my work—thank you for your understanding and support.

    I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences!

    Have any of these books changed your perspective on motherhood or emotional healing? Share your insights and recommendations in the comments below. If you’re ready to start your journey towards healing, dive into these books and let their wisdom guide you to a deeper, more compassionate relationship with yourself and your loved ones.

    Feel free to explore, share, and let your reading journey be a path toward transformation and healing.

  • Motherhood, CEN, and the Search for the Lost Self: A Deep Dive into Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood

    “Motherhood forces you to confront the unexamined parts of yourself.” — Lisa Marchiano

    Motherhood has a way of cracking us open. It brings joy, yes—but also a quiet, aching grief, an unsettling sense that something is missing. For those who grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)—where emotions were dismissed, overlooked, or never nurtured—motherhood can feel like a sudden flood after a lifetime of drought.

    Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood: Facing and Finding Yourself is not a parenting book. It is a book about self-discovery through the lens of motherhood—something uniquely valuable for those healing from CEN. By weaving Jungian depth psychology, myths, and real-life stories, Marchiano guides mothers through the process of reclaiming lost parts of themselves.

    But why is this book especially important for those with CEN? And how can it help untangle the deep emotional wounds that surface in motherhood?

    How Childhood Emotional Neglect Shapes Motherhood

    If you grew up with CEN, you likely learned to suppress your emotions, minimize your needs, and overfunction for others. These patterns don’t disappear when you become a mother; they often intensify.

    Signs of CEN That Resurface in Motherhood:

    • Feeling emotionally numb or disconnected from your child’s needs.
    • Struggling with overwhelming guilt when setting boundaries.
    • Feeling resentful or exhausted but unable to ask for help.
    • Being unsure how to comfort or emotionally attune to your child.
    • A persistent sense of not being “enough” as a mother.

    In Motherhood, Marchiano suggests that becoming a mother is an initiation—one that forces us to confront these deeply ingrained patterns. The emotions we suppressed in childhood begin to reawaken, and suddenly, we are face to face with our unmet needs.

    For many, this brings a crisis of identity: Who am I outside of the roles I’ve been given? And what happens when motherhood makes me feel lost rather than whole?

    Motherhood and Attachment Wounds: Reparenting Ourselves

    Many people who experienced CEN also grew up with insecure attachment—either an avoidant style (where emotions were dismissed) or an anxious style (where love felt unpredictable). These attachment wounds shape how we relate to our children, our partners, and most painfully, ourselves.

    Avoidant Attachment & Motherhood

    If you grew up suppressing emotions, motherhood may feel overwhelming. You might:

    • Struggle with deep discomfort when your child is emotionally needy.
    • Feel emotionally distant or numb but not know why.
    • Prefer to focus on practical caregiving rather than emotional connection.

    Anxious Attachment & Motherhood

    If you experienced inconsistent love, you might:

    • Feel constantly afraid of failing as a mother.
    • Become overly focused on your child’s emotions at the expense of your own.
    • Struggle with perfectionism and guilt.

    Marchiano’s book helps mothers recognize these patterns with compassion, not shame. She suggests that by becoming aware of our attachment wounds, we can start the process of reparenting ourselves—learning to meet our own emotional needs while caring for our children.

    Motherhood and CPTSD: When the Past Reawakens

    For many mothers with CEN, motherhood triggers deep-seated wounds that had long been buried. This is especially true for those who have experienced Complex PTSD (CPTSD)—a condition linked to prolonged emotional neglect, trauma, or toxic family dynamics.

    Symptoms of CPTSD in motherhood can include:

    • Emotional flashbacks—feeling suddenly small, helpless, or unworthy.
    • Dissociation—numbing out, going through the motions of parenting but feeling detached.
    • Overwhelming self-criticism—hearing an internal voice saying, “I’m a bad mom.”
    • Panic or rage in response to small triggers—a sign of deep, unprocessed pain.

    Marchiano doesn’t pathologize these struggles. Instead, she offers something radical: the idea that motherhood is a portal to healing. By bringing buried wounds to the surface, it allows us to work through them rather than carry them forward.

    The Power of Myth: How Stories Help Us Heal

    One of the most compelling parts of Motherhood is Marchiano’s use of myths and storytelling. Drawing from Jungian depth psychology, she explores how ancient stories mirror the hidden struggles of modern mothers.

    Some of the most powerful myths in the book include:

    • The Handless Maiden—A story of sacrifice, suffering, and self-reclamation.
    • Inanna’s Descent—A metaphor for the death and rebirth of identity in motherhood.
    • The Ugly Duckling—A reflection of CEN’s core wound: feeling like we don’t belong.

    These stories help us see our struggles not as personal failings, but as part of a universal human experience. They remind us that feeling lost is part of transformation—and that there is a way forward.

    Practical Takeaways: Exercises for Healing

    Marchiano doesn’t just offer insight—she offers practical tools for healing. Here are a few ways to integrate her wisdom into daily life:

    1. The “Listening to Your Inner Child” Exercise

    • Sit in a quiet space and imagine yourself as a small child.
    • Ask: What do you need from me right now?
    • Write down what comes up—without judgment.

    2. Journaling Prompts for CEN in Motherhood

    • What emotional needs went unmet in my childhood? How do they show up in my parenting?
    • When do I feel the most disconnected from my emotions?
    • What does my inner child need to hear from me today?

    3. Self-Compassion Practice

    • When you hear your inner critic say, You’re failing as a mother, respond with:
    • I am learning, just like my child is learning.
    • It’s okay to not be perfect.
    • My needs matter too.

    Further Reading for CEN & Motherhood

    If Motherhood resonates with you, these books can deepen your journey:

    Remember, supporting local bookstores or thrift shops is ideal—if unavailable, feel free to use my Amazon affiliate links. Your support is deeply appreciated.

    Final Thoughts: Motherhood as an Invitation to Healing

    For those who grew up with CEN, motherhood can feel like an unraveling. But it can also be a powerful chance to heal—to finally give ourselves the love, patience, and emotional attunement we never received.

    Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood is not about how to raise children. It is about how motherhood transforms us—whether we resist it or embrace it. It is a book that says: You are not alone. Your struggles are real. And your healing is possible.

    Ready to purchase Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood? Please consider supporting local bookstores or thrift shops. If those aren’t available, you can purchase via my Amazon affiliate link here. This way I earn a small commission at no extra cost for you. I appreciate your support.

    How has your own journey with CEN or attachment wounds influenced your experience of motherhood? Share your insights, struggles, or breakthroughs in the comments below. Your story might be the encouragement another mother needs to begin her healing journey.

    Are you struggling with mother rage? Do you want to understand how CEN fuels it and how to begin healing? Check out Mother Rage and the Hidden Wounds of Childhood Emotional Neglect: Understanding, Healing and Finding Peace

  • Mother Rage and the Hidden Wounds of Childhood Emotional Neglect: Understanding, Healing, and Finding Peace

    Introduction: The Rage No One Talks About

    You love your child more than anything. You envisioned gentle, patient motherhood—but then, seemingly out of nowhere, rage erupts. The kind that makes your hands shake, your chest tighten, your voice rise before you can stop it. And afterward, the shame crashes in:

    \”Why did I react like that? What kind of mother am I?\”

    If this feels familiar, you’re not alone. Mother rage is a deeply common but rarely discussed experience, often linked to long-buried, unmet emotional needs from childhood. If you grew up with childhood emotional neglect (CEN)—where your emotions were dismissed, ignored, or simply not noticed—you may struggle to recognize and regulate your own feelings, especially anger.

    But here’s the truth: Your rage is not proof that you\’re failing. It’s a message from the part of you that was never allowed to have needs. And with understanding, self-compassion, and the right tools, you can begin to heal that part—for yourself, and for your children.

    How Childhood Emotional Neglect Leads to Mother Rage

    What Is Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)?

    Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), a term coined by Dr. Jonice Webb in Running on Empty (featured in my list of recommended books) happens when parents fail to respond to their child’s emotional needs—not through abuse or cruelty, but often through simple emotional unawareness.

    If your parents dismissed your feelings (“Don’t cry, it’s not a big deal”), expected you to be self-sufficient too early, or rewarded you for being “easy” and undemanding, you likely internalized the belief that your emotions—and needs—were burdensome.

    As a child, you adapted by disconnecting from your emotions to keep the peace. But as a mother, this emotional suppression can explode when faced with the relentless demands of parenting.

    Why Mother Rage Feels So Overwhelming

    Motherhood is an emotionally intensive experience. Every day, you’re called to meet your child’s needs: feeding, comforting, listening, teaching. If you never had your own needs fully met, this can feel deeply triggering—as if each cry or tantrum is an accusation, pushing on an old wound:

    ✔ You were never allowed to have big feelings—so your child’s big feelings overwhelm you.
    ✔ You learned to push through exhaustion—so you feel resentment when your child needs you non-stop.
    ✔ You never learned healthy emotional regulation—so your frustration builds until it explodes.

    Rage is often a sign of depletion, of being unheard for too long. But because mothers are expected to be endlessly patient and self-sacrificing, many of us turn that rage inward—in the form of guilt, shame, and self-blame.

    The Link Between Mother Rage and Attachment Patterns

    Our earliest relationships shape the way we respond to stress—including the stress of parenting. If you had emotionally unavailable parents, you may have developed an insecure attachment style, making it harder to trust that your needs matter.

    🔹 Anxious attachment: You may feel like you’re constantly “failing” as a mom, second-guessing yourself, and overcompensating to avoid being seen as “not enough.” This leads to exhaustion and burnout.

    🔹 Avoidant attachment: You may feel emotionally disconnected, numbing yourself when overwhelmed, or feeling resentment when your child needs emotional closeness.

    Understanding your attachment patterns can help you break the cycle—so your children don’t inherit the same emotional wounds.

    Healing Mother Rage: Reclaiming Your Right to Have Needs

    Step 1: Recognizing and Validating Your Own Needs

    If you were raised to ignore your emotions, you may not even recognize when your own needs are unmet. Start by asking:

    ✔ When was the last time I did something just for myself?
    ✔ Do I feel seen, heard, and supported in my daily life?
    ✔ Do I allow myself to rest without guilt?

    Many mothers realize that they’re running on emotional empty, because they were never taught to see their needs as important. But you can start changing that today.

    Journal Prompt:

    Write a letter to your younger self, telling her that her emotions and needs always mattered. What would you want her to know?

    Step 2: Managing Rage in the Moment

    When you feel anger rising, you don’t have to suppress it—but you also don’t have to explode. Here’s what helps:

    ✔ The 5-Second Pause: Before reacting, take a deep breath and name what you\’re feeling: \”I am overwhelmed right now.\” This simple pause can interrupt automatic reactions.

    ✔ The \”I Need\” Statement: Instead of focusing on what’s wrong, say what you need: “I need five minutes alone,” or “I need a hug.”

    ✔ Physical Release: Rage is a physiological experience. Shake out your hands, stomp your feet, or step outside for fresh air to release the energy.

    ✔ Grounding Exercise: Press your hands on a solid surface and say, “I am safe. I am allowed to have feelings. I am learning.”

    Step 3: Creating Emotional Safety for Yourself

    ✔ Therapy & Support Groups: Running on Empty (Jonice Webb) and Motherhood (Lisa Marchiano) offer powerful insights into healing emotional neglect. I go deeper into the healing potential of Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood in the following book review.

    ✔ Reparenting Yourself: Speak to yourself with the warmth and kindness you wish you\’d received. (\”It makes sense that I feel this way. I\’m allowed to have needs.\”)

    ✔ Letting Go of Perfectionism: Your children don’t need a perfect mother—they need one who is real, present, and healing.

    Q&A: Your Biggest Mother Rage Questions Answered

    Q: What if I feel guilty after losing my temper?

    A: Guilt is a sign of emotional awareness—not failure. The best way to repair is to model healthy accountability: \”I\’m sorry I yelled. I was feeling overwhelmed, but my feelings are not your fault.\”

    Q: How do I explain my rage to my partner?

    A: Many partners struggle to understand mother rage because they were never taught about emotional labor. Try: \”I feel overwhelmed when my needs go unnoticed. I need more support with [specific task].\”

    Q: Can I really change if I was raised with CEN?

    A: Absolutely. Emotional healing is not about erasing the past—it’s about creating a new future, one small step at a time.

    Q: Why do I feel rage at small things that never used to bother me?

    A: Your nervous system is likely in a constant state of overload. If you’ve spent years suppressing your emotions and prioritizing others, small triggers can unleash built-up frustration and exhaustion. Your reaction isn’t just about the moment—it’s about everything that came before it.

    ✅ Try this: Keep a daily \”check-in journal\” where you rate your emotional energy (1-10) and note any small irritations. Over time, you’ll notice patterns and catch your triggers before they escalate.

    Q: How can I prevent rage from building up in the first place?

    A: The key is proactive emotional regulation, rather than waiting until you’re at a breaking point.

    ✔ Micro-breaks: Even 5-minute pauses throughout the day can prevent emotional overload.
    ✔ Daily emotional release: Whether it’s movement, journaling, or talking to a friend, emotions need a healthy outlet.
    ✔ Reducing mental load: Delegate tasks, set boundaries, and ask yourself, \”Is this something I truly need to do right now?\”

    Q: What if I had a bad moment and lashed out at my child?

    A: Repair is more important than perfection. Children don’t need flawless parents—they need parents who can model accountability and emotional regulation.

    ✔ Step 1: Acknowledge: \”I’m sorry I yelled. That wasn’t your fault.\”
    ✔ Step 2: Explain in simple terms: \”I felt frustrated because I was tired, but I should have handled it differently.\”
    ✔ Step 3: Reconnect: Offer a hug, a moment of closeness, or play together.

    This teaches your child that mistakes don’t break relationships—they can be repaired with honesty and love.

    Q: What if my partner doesn’t understand my struggles with rage and emotional burnout?

    A: Many partners don’t realize the depth of the invisible workload mothers carry—especially if they were raised in a culture where emotional labor was never acknowledged.

    ✔ Avoid blaming: Instead of \”You never help me!\”, try \”I feel overwhelmed when I\’m responsible for [specific task] all the time. Can we find a way to share it?\”
    ✔ Use relatable comparisons: If your partner values their job, compare it to being on call 24/7 without breaks—because that’s what motherhood often feels like.
    ✔ Seek external resources together: Books like Fair Play by Eve Rodsky can help shift their perspective.

    Q: What if I struggle to even feel my emotions before I explode?

    A: If you grew up with CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect), you may have learned to numb or dismiss your feelings. This makes it harder to recognize emotional buildup until it’s too late.

    ✅ Try this practice:

    • Set an alarm 3 times a day. When it goes off, pause and ask:
    • \”What am I feeling right now?\”
    • \”Where do I feel it in my body?\”
    • \”What do I need in this moment?\”

    Even if the answer is \”I don’t know\”, this builds emotional awareness—which helps you intervene before rage erupts.

    Q: Can childhood emotional neglect be healed as an adult?

    A: Absolutely. Healing isn’t about \”fixing\” yourself—it’s about learning to meet your needs in a way you never experienced before.

    ✔ Therapy can help: A trauma-informed therapist (especially one trained in IFS or AEDP) can guide you through emotional healing.
    ✔ Self-reparenting: Speak to yourself with kindness, as you would to a child learning something new.
    ✔ Support networks: Find communities of mothers who understand—whether through local groups, online forums, or trusted friends.

    Q: I feel like I\’m losing myself in motherhood. How do I reclaim my identity?

    A: Motherhood adds to who you are—it doesn’t erase you. But if you were taught to put everyone else first, it’s easy to feel like you\’ve disappeared.

    ✔ Revisit past joys: What did you love before becoming a mother? Try reintroducing even small pieces of those things.
    ✔ Make space for yourself: Even 10 minutes a day for something that feels like you is powerful.
    ✔ Practice self-compassion: You are still you, even in the exhaustion, even in the struggle.

    Motherhood is a transformation, but you deserve to exist as a whole person—just as much as your child does.

    Final Thoughts: You Are Not Alone

    Mother rage is not who you are—it’s a symptom of long-buried unmet needs finally asking to be heard. You don’t have to push it down or carry it alone.

    ✔ Start small: Acknowledge your feelings.
    ✔ Speak with kindness to yourself.
    ✔ Seek support from those who understand.

    Your healing matters—not just for you, but for the next generation. Mother rage does not make you a bad mom. It makes you a mother with needs that deserve to be met.

    💬 Have you experienced mother rage? What has helped you? Share in the comments—it may help another mother feel less alone.

    References

    • Webb, J. (2012). Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect. Morgan James Publishing.
    • Marchiano, L. (2021). Motherhood: Facing and Finding Yourself. Sounds True.
    • Siegel, D., & Hartzell, M. (2013). Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive. TarcherPerigee.

  • Childhood Emotional Neglect and Conflict Resolution in Relationships: How the 5 Love Languages Can Help

    Introduction: When Love Feels Like a Foreign Language

    For many adults who experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), relationships can feel like a confusing puzzle. When emotional needs were overlooked in childhood, expressing and receiving love as an adult can be challenging—especially in moments of conflict. Many find themselves either shutting down or escalating arguments, unable to bridge the emotional gap with their partner.

    One crucial aspect of this struggle lies in how we give and receive love. Dr. Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages provides a useful framework for understanding these dynamics, yet people with CEN may struggle to communicate their love effectively or to recognize love when expressed in a different “language.” This can lead to repeated conflicts, emotional disconnection, and deep frustration on both sides.

    This article explores how CEN affects conflict resolution, how the 5 Love Languages play a role, and offers practical exercises, examples, and journal prompts to help break the cycle.

    Part 1: How Childhood Emotional Neglect Affects Conflict Resolution

    What Is Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)?

    CEN happens when a child’s emotional needs are consistently ignored, dismissed, or inadequately met by caregivers. Unlike overt abuse, which involves active harm, CEN is about what was missing—comfort, validation, emotional guidance.

    As Dr. Jonice Webb explains in Running on Empty, CEN conditions children to believe:

    • Their feelings don’t matter.
    • Expressing emotions is burdensome to others.
    • Love is something they must earn, not something freely given.

    As adults, this translates into relationship struggles, especially when emotions run high during conflict.

    How CEN Shapes Conflict Patterns in Romantic Relationships

    1. Emotional Shutdown (Avoidant Response)

      • Instead of engaging in conflict, a CEN-affected person may withdraw, become silent, or dissociate.
      • Conflict feels overwhelming, triggering deep-rooted fears of being a burden.
      • They may insist they are \”fine\” while internally feeling unheard, frustrated, or unloved.

      2. Hyperreactivity (Anxious Response)

        • Emotional needs were ignored in childhood, so in adulthood, the need for validation can feel urgent and desperate.
        • Arguments may escalate quickly as they seek reassurance but fear rejection.

        3. Struggling to Recognize or Express Needs

          • A CEN-affected person may have trouble identifying what they need from their partner in a conflict.
          • If they do express a need, they may downplay or dismiss it immediately.

          4. Discomfort with Repair Attempts

            • Healthy couples use repair strategies after a fight (apologizing, physical affection, humor).
            • A person with CEN may resist these gestures, feeling undeserving of love or skeptical of the partner’s sincerity.

            Part 2: The 5 Love Languages & Their Role in Conflict

            Dr. Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages identifies five primary ways people express and receive love:

            • Words of Affirmation (verbal appreciation)
            • Acts of Service (helping with tasks)
            • Receiving Gifts (meaningful gestures)
            • Quality Time (undivided attention)
            • Physical Touch (affection, hugs, holding hands)

            For people with CEN, love languages can be particularly tricky:

            • They may dismiss their partner’s love language as unnecessary or excessive.
            • They may feel unloved if their own language isn’t spoken, but struggle to voice it.
            • They may resist learning a new language, even when their partner directly asks.

            For example:

            • A husband raised with CEN might crave words of affirmation but struggle to give them to his wife, who needs verbal reassurance.
            • A woman who values quality time may feel hurt when her partner expresses love through acts of service instead of deep conversations.

            In conflict, these mismatches can make problems worse. If partners don’t recognize how the other expresses love, apologies may feel empty or repair attempts go unnoticed.

            Part 3: Healing & Reconnecting – Practical Steps

            1. Identifying Your Own Love Language (Even If It Feels Unnatural)

            • Take the official 5 Love Languages quiz with your partner.
            • Reflect: As a child, how did you know someone cared about you? (Even if it wasn’t ideal.)
            • Journal Prompt: When do I feel most loved by my partner? When do I feel least loved?

            2. Learning Your Partner’s Language (Even If It Feels Uncomfortable)

            • Ask your partner: “What makes you feel truly loved by me?”
            • Make a list of small, easy actions in their love language.

            For example:

            • If they love physical touch, start with holding hands.
            • If they need words of affirmation, practice one kind phrase a day.

            Exercise: Try “switching” languages for a week. Each partner intentionally expresses love in the other’s preferred way.

            3. Managing Conflict Using Love Languages

            • When hurt: Instead of shutting down, say “I feel hurt right now. Can you help me feel connected?”
            • When apologizing: Use their love language. (A verbal apology for a Words of Affirmation partner, a small gift for a Gifts partner.)
            • When reconnecting: Suggest an activity based on their love language. (Cooking together for a Quality Time partner, a hug for a Physical Touch partner.)

            Part 4: Breaking the Cycle – Exercises for Long-Term Change

            1. Self-Compassion for CEN Recovery

            Many people with CEN feel ashamed of their emotional struggles.

            • Mantra: My needs are valid. My emotions matter.
            • Exercise: Each day, write down one emotional need and how you can meet it.

            2. Strengthening Repair Attempts After Conflict

            • Set a “cool down” rule (30 minutes apart before discussing).
            • Use humor or physical touch to reconnect.
            • Journal Prompt: How did my parents handle conflict? What patterns do I want to unlearn?

            3. Building Emotional Vocabulary

            • Read Running on Empty by Dr. Jonice Webb to understand how CEN impacts relationships.
            • Practice naming emotions daily (use a feelings chart if needed).

            Q&A Section

            Q: My partner dismisses my love language. What should I do?
            A: Approach it as a learning process. Say, “This is how I feel loved. Would you be willing to try?” Be patient—many with CEN struggle to change patterns.

            Q: I feel fake when expressing love in a new way. Is this normal?
            A: Yes! If you didn’t receive emotional validation as a child, showing affection in new ways may feel unnatural at first. Keep practicing—it gets easier.

            Q: How do I prevent shutting down in conflict?
            A: Try grounding techniques (breathing, touching something textured) and saying one small feeling at a time instead of bottling everything up.

            Q: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) and how does it affect relationships?

            A: Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) occurs when a child\’s emotional needs are consistently ignored or dismissed, leaving them feeling unworthy of attention and connection. In adult relationships, CEN can manifest as difficulty expressing emotions, avoiding conflict, or feeling disconnected from a partner\’s emotional needs.

            Q: How does CEN impact conflict resolution in relationships?

            A: People with CEN may struggle with conflict resolution because they have learned to suppress emotions rather than process and express them. This can result in:

            • Avoiding conflict altogether
            • Becoming overwhelmed by emotional discussions
            • Struggling to articulate personal needs and boundaries
            • Assuming their partner should \”just know\” how they feel

            Learning new emotional regulation strategies, such as active listening and self-awareness exercises, can improve conflict resolution skills.

            Q: Can learning my partner’s love language help heal emotional neglect?

            A: Yes, understanding and practicing love languages can bridge emotional gaps in relationships. However, people with CEN may resist learning a new love language, as emotional expression can feel foreign or even uncomfortable. The key is to approach this process with patience, gradual effort, and open conversations about emotional needs.

            Q: What if my partner and I have completely different love languages?

            A: Differing love languages are common and not necessarily a problem, but they require effort. If a partner explicitly asks for love in a certain way (e.g., words of affirmation), and the other refuses or struggles to provide it, it may indicate deeper emotional barriers. A good starting point is practicing small, intentional actions that align with the partner’s love language while also addressing any resistance to emotional expression.

            Q: What are some exercises to improve emotional connection after CEN?

            A: Such exercises include;

            • Journaling prompts: Reflect on past emotional experiences and how they influence your responses today.
            • Daily emotional check-ins: Ask your partner, “How are you feeling today?” and truly listen.
            • Love language swaps: Try giving love in your partner’s love language for a week, then discuss the experience.
            • Reframing conflict: When conflict arises, pause and ask, “What emotional need is not being met here?”
            • Grounding exercises: When overwhelmed by emotional conversations, practice deep breathing or mindfulness to stay present.

            Conclusion: Love Can Be Learned

            If you grew up with CEN, relationships may feel harder than they should be—but healing is possible. By understanding love languages and practicing new ways of connecting, you can rewrite your emotional patterns and build stronger, healthier relationships.

            For more on healing from CEN, check out Running on Empty by Dr. Jonice Webb or The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

            Join the Conversation

            Have you noticed how Childhood Emotional Neglect affects your relationships? Do you and your partner speak different love languages? Share your thoughts, experiences, or questions in the comments below—I’d love to hear from you! Let’s support each other on this journey to deeper connection and healing.

            References

            (Webb, J. (2012). Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect. Morgan James Publishing.)
            (Chapman, G. (1992). The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Northfield Publishing.)