Healing the Void: From CEN to Wholeness

Category: Healing and Connecting: Psychological Theories for Personal Growth and Relationships

  • Why You Resist Sleep Even When Exhausted: The Hidden Emotional Roots of Insomnia

    Introduction: When Sleep Feels Like the Enemy

    You’re exhausted. Your eyes burn, your body feels heavy, and you know you need sleep. Yet, instead of crawling into bed, you:

    • Scroll endlessly on your phone, even though you don’t care about what you’re seeing.
    • Decide that now is the perfect time to start cleaning, organizing, or catching up on work.
    • Tell yourself just one more episode, one more chapter, one more minute—until you’ve lost another hour.
    • Sit in the quiet, staring at nothing, feeling like you need to do something before sleeping, but you’re not sure what.

    By morning, you regret it. But at night, you can’t help yourself.

    If this cycle feels familiar, you’re not lazy or undisciplined. There’s a deeper reason your mind resists sleep.

    This article explores:
    ✔ Why sleep resistance happens (especially for mothers & those with childhood emotional neglect).
    ✔ The unmet needs hidden beneath bedtime procrastination.
    ✔ How to gently shift this pattern—without forcing yourself into harsh discipline.

    The Hidden Emotional Reasons You Resist Sleep

    1. You Feel Like You Haven’t Truly Existed Today

    📖 The Need: Presence and acknowledgment.

    Does this sound familiar?

    • Your entire day was spent caring for others—children, a partner, work, obligations. But you barely felt present in it.
    • You didn’t have a single uninterrupted moment to do something just for yourself.
    • It’s like you ran through the day without actually experiencing it.
    • Now, at night, you don’t want to sleep because it feels like you never really lived today.

    Subconscious thought: I can’t let the day end until I’ve had a moment where I feel like a person, not just a function.

    🔹 How to Work With This:
    ✅ Sprinkle small “me-moments” throughout the day.

    • Instead of waiting until midnight to reclaim yourself, anchor yourself into the day with small but real moments:
    • Close your eyes and take one deep, slow breath while standing at the sink.
    • Step outside and feel the air on your skin for 10 seconds.
    • Sip a cup of tea without multitasking—just feeling the warmth in your hands.
    • Listen to a song that makes you feel something real.
    • Whisper to yourself: I am here.

    ✅ Try a 2-minute \”daily check-in\” ritual.

    • Instead of numbing out at night, sit for two minutes and ask: What was one tiny, beautiful thing about today?
    • It could be a child\’s giggle, a bite of food, a deep stretch, a moment of laughter.
    • Let it count. Let today feel real before you end it.

    2. You Need Autonomy in a Life of Obligation

    📖 The Need: A sense of control and freedom.

    If your days feel dictated by other people’s needs, sleep resistance can be an act of rebellion.

    • Maybe you’re a mother whose whole day is structured around nap schedules, meal prep, and responding to small voices calling “Mama!”
    • Maybe you work a job where you’re constantly putting out fires, answering emails, and being available.
    • Maybe you grew up in a household where your time and choices were never truly yours.

    By staying up, you’re claiming a tiny piece of autonomy.

    Subconscious thought: This is the one thing no one can take from me. I choose this time.

    🔹 How to Work With This:
    ✅ Reframe sleep as an empowered choice, not an obligation.

    • Instead of seeing rest as something being forced on you, reframe it as:
    • I choose to take care of myself.
    • I decide when I sleep—not exhaustion, not guilt, not habit.

    ✅ Create a tiny, intentional “autonomy ritual” at night.

    • Instead of scrolling numbly, do something small but deeply yours:
    • A warm drink in silence.
    • Writing one sentence in a journal.
    • A stretching movement that feels good.
    • Lighting a candle and watching the flame.

    Even 5 minutes of mindful autonomy is more fulfilling than 2 hours of scrolling.

    3. You Fear the Day Slipping Away Without Meaning

    📖 The Need: A sense of fulfillment.

    • Have you ever stayed up just to make the day feel less wasted?
    • You didn’t do anything big today—no progress on a passion, no deep conversations, just survival.
    • So you delay sleep, hoping to squeeze in something meaningful at the last minute.

    Subconscious thought: If I go to bed now, what did this day even mean?

    🔹 How to Work With This:
    ✅ Let small moments of meaning be enough.

    • A day doesn’t have to be “productive” to be meaningful.
    • Before bed, ask: What was one small thing that mattered today?
    • Say it out loud. Write it down. Let it count.

    ✅ Do a 5-minute “purpose moment” at night.

    • Read a paragraph from a book that inspires you.
    • Write down one kind thing you did today.
    • Look at the moon. Let it be enough.

    Science-Backed Solutions for Sleep Resistance

    🔬 1. The Psychology of \”Revenge Bedtime Procrastination\”

    • Studies show that people who feel a lack of control over their daytime schedules are more likely to delay sleep at night. (Kroese et al., 2014)

    🔬 2. How Suppressed Emotions Disrupt Sleep

    • Emotional suppression is linked to higher physiological arousal at night, making it harder to fall asleep. (Vandekerckhove & Cluydts, 2010)
    • Solution: Journaling before bed can help process emotions.

    🔬 3. The Role of Cortisol and Hyperarousal

    • Chronic stress keeps cortisol levels high at night, making rest difficult. (Buckley & Schatzberg, 2005)
    • Solution: Gentle nervous system regulation (slow breathing, rocking, warm baths).

    Final Words: Reclaiming Rest as Your Birthright

    • Sleep is not wasted time.
    • Rest does not erase your worth.
    • Going to bed doesn’t mean giving up on yourself. It means you trust yourself enough to continue tomorrow.

    Tonight, instead of forcing yourself to be productive, try this:
    ⭐ Breathe.
    ⭐ Name one thing that mattered today.
    ⭐ Whisper to yourself: I am allowed to rest.

    You are here. That is enough.

    Call to Action: Reclaim Rest & Heal from Within

    If it’s not evening yet and you\’re not ready to sleep, explore the deeper layers of your experience:

    📖 Motherhood as a Journey of Growth: Embracing the Transition from Maiden to Mother – Understand the emotional transformation of motherhood and how to reconnect with yourself.

    🔥 Mother Rage and the Hidden Wounds of Childhood Emotional Neglect: Understanding, Healing, and Finding Peace – Unmet needs often surface as anger. Learn how to process and release it in healthy ways.

    ❤️ Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child) – Break generational cycles and build secure connections with your child.

    Your healing matters. You are worthy of rest, renewal, and deep self-understanding.

  • When Food Waste Feels Like a Personal Attack: Healing Parental Triggers Around Mealtime Struggles

    Your baby picks up a perfectly good piece of food, looks at it, and drops it to the floor. Again. You try to stay calm, but inside, something tightens—frustration, guilt, maybe even anger.

    \”Why are they wasting perfectly good food?\”
    \”Do they not realize how much effort I put into this?\”
    \”I was never allowed to waste food as a child—why do they get to?\”

    If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Watching food go uneaten (or end up on the floor) can be deeply triggering for parents, stirring up emotions that go far beyond the moment. This isn\’t just about waste—it\’s about control, past experiences, and deeply ingrained beliefs about food and worth.

    Let’s unpack why food waste feels so uncomfortable and how to shift our mindset so we can support our children’s healthy relationship with eating—without feeling overwhelmed by guilt, frustration, or anxiety.

    Why Food Waste Feels So Personal: 4 Deeper Triggers

    1. Childhood Food Shame: \”I Was Taught That Wasting Food Is Wrong\”

    Many of us grew up hearing:

    • “Finish your plate; there are starving children in the world.”
    • “You’re being wasteful! You should be grateful.”
    • “You can’t leave the table until your plate is empty.”

    Food waste wasn’t just about the meal—it was tied to morality, obedience, and gratitude. If you were scolded for not finishing your food, watching your child reject food now might subconsciously bring back that same shame.

    🔹 Reframe the belief: Instead of “food waste is bad,” try: \”Exploration is part of learning to eat.\” Your child is not rejecting you or your effort—they are learning independence.

    For more on that read: Why Your 1-Year-Old Refuses to Be Fed—And Why That’s a Good Thing

    2. The Emotional Toll of Care Work: \”I Spent So Much Time Making This!\”

    You plan, shop, chop, cook, clean—only to watch food get thrown, ignored, or smeared across the tray. It’s not just food waste; it’s the exhaustion of invisible labor being disregarded.

    🔹 Validate your feelings: It’s okay to feel frustrated. Name the emotion without blaming your child:
    \”I worked hard on this meal, and seeing it wasted is frustrating. But I know this is part of the process.\”

    🔹 Simplify meal prep: If waste is a trigger, make meals that take less time and emotional investment. Offer easy-to-prepare, nutritious foods that won’t leave you feeling drained if they’re rejected.

    3. Anxiety Around Nutrient Intake: \”What If They Don’t Eat Enough?\”

    A baby refusing food can feel dangerous to a parent’s nervous system. It taps into our deepest biological fears: Will they get enough nutrients? Will they grow properly?

    🔹 Reframe the fear: One rejected meal doesn’t define their health. Babies regulate their intake over days, not meals—a skipped meal today often means a bigger appetite tomorrow.

    🔹 Observe their weekly intake, not daily: Instead of panicking over one meal, look at their overall nutrition across several days.

    4. A Deep Need for Control: \”They Should Just Eat What I Give Them\”

    For many parents, food represents control and structure. A baby refusing food can feel like defiance, even though it’s actually a normal developmental milestone.

    🔹 Pause and ask: What does their refusal bring up in me? Why do I feel this strong need for control right now?

    🔹 Shift to a partnership mindset: Instead of “They should eat what I give them,” try: “How can I help them feel safe exploring food?”

    Reframing Food Waste: A Growth Mindset Approach

    If food waste is a major stressor, here’s how to make peace with it while still teaching food appreciation:

    1. Shift from “Waste” to “Learning”

    Every dropped bite, rejected spoonful, or messy exploration is your child learning autonomy, coordination, and preferences. Think of it like practicing walking—no one expects a baby to get it right the first time.

    Instead of “They’re wasting food,” reframe it as:
    ✅ “They’re experimenting with food textures and self-feeding.”
    ✅ “This is temporary—eventually, they will eat more and waste less.”

    2. Teach Food Appreciation Without Guilt

    Instead of forcing them to eat everything, focus on gentle, engaging ways to build food respect:

    • Let them touch, smell, and explore ingredients before meals.
    • Involve them in meal prep, even if it’s just stirring or watching.
    • Eat meals together, so they see food as a shared experience.
    • Use positive language: \”This food gives us energy and helps us grow.\”

    3. Reduce Food Waste Without Anxiety

    • Offer smaller portions first—you can always give more if they’re still hungry.
    • Serve leftovers creatively (blend rejected veggies into soup, turn fruit into smoothies).
    • Accept that some waste is inevitable, but it won’t last forever.

    Practical Exercises to Process Parental Triggers

    If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or resentful about food waste, these prompts can help you work through your feelings:

    📝 Journaling Prompts:

    1. What messages did I receive about food waste as a child?
    2. How does watching my child reject food make me feel?
    3. What emotions come up when I feel like I’m “losing control” at mealtimes?
    4. How can I reframe food waste as part of my child’s learning?

    🧘‍♀️ Somatic Practices (Body-Based Techniques):

    • Grounding exercise: Before reacting, place your hands on your lap and take three deep breaths.
    • Mindful eating: Eat a meal alongside your child, focusing on sensory experience rather than outcome.
    • Shake off tension: If frustration builds, physically shake out your arms and shoulders before responding.

    Final Thoughts: This Is Temporary

    Picky eating and food rejection can feel frustrating, but it won’t last forever. Your child’s relationship with food is being shaped right now—and how you respond to this phase sets the foundation for years to come.

    🔹 If you feel overwhelmed, remember:

    • Food waste in infancy is developmentally appropriate.
    • Your child is not rejecting you—they are learning.
    • A relaxed attitude now leads to independent, intuitive eating later.

    🌿 What helps you stay patient during picky eating phases? Share your experiences in the comments!

    🔗 Read next: Mother Rage and the Hidden Wounds of Childhood Emotional Neglect: Understanding, Healing, and Finding Peace

  • The Electra Complex & the CEN Mother: When a Daughter’s Love Feels Like Rejection

    Introduction: When Your Daughter’s Love for Dad Feels Like a Loss

    For many mothers, their daughter’s growing attachment to her father is a normal, even sweet, phase of childhood. But for others—especially those who experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)—this shift can feel like an unexpected emotional wound.

    You may notice your daughter:

    • Choosing Dad over you for everyday moments—she insists that he reads her bedtime story, helps her brush her teeth, or tucks her in at night.
    • Seeking his attention first—running past you to hug him after daycare or calling for him when she’s excited.
    • Being dismissive of your presence—saying “No, not you, Daddy do it!” when you try to help.
    • Becoming more physically affectionate with him—climbing onto his lap while barely acknowledging you.
    • Correcting you or defending him—siding with Dad in small disagreements and saying things like “Daddy is stronger” or “Daddy is better than you.”
    • Wanting him to do things even when you\’re available—she asks him to bring her a snack even when you’re sitting next to her, or calls for him to pick her up when she falls.
    • Expressing a desire to replace you—saying “I’m going to marry Daddy when I grow up” or “Go away, Mommy.”

    For a securely attached mother, these behaviors may feel bittersweet but not deeply distressing. She recognizes that it’s just a normal developmental phase, not a sign of rejection.

    However, for a mother who grew up feeling invisible, unwanted, or emotionally deprived, these moments can feel deeply painful—as if history is repeating itself.

    If you’ve ever thought:

    • “Why doesn’t she want me?”
    • “She loves him more than me.”
    • “Am I failing as a mother?”
    • “This reminds me of how I felt as a child—unimportant.”

    Then this article is for you.

    We’re going to explore:

    • What the Electra complex is and how it plays out in young girls.
    • Why it can be especially triggering for a mother with a history of emotional neglect.
    • The role of attachment, trauma, and unconscious parenting patterns.
    • How to navigate this phase without emotional withdrawal or self-blame.

    This isn’t just about understanding your daughter’s development—it’s about using this moment as an opportunity for your own healing, ensuring that your past doesn’t dictate your future relationship with your child.

    The Electra Complex: Understanding a Daughter’s Strong Attachment to Her Father

    The Electra complex, first described by Carl Jung as a counterpart to Freud’s Oedipus complex, refers to a phase in early childhood (typically between ages 3-6) when a little girl forms a particularly strong attachment to her father while simultaneously experiencing a degree of rivalry or emotional distancing from her mother.

    This phase is not universal, nor is it pathological—it’s a natural part of psychological development in which a child is exploring attachment, identity, and differentiation.

    Signs of the Electra Complex in Young Girls

    1. Increased preference for Dad

    • She asks for him first, insists that only he can help her get dressed, read her a bedtime story, or take her to the park.
    • She may refuse your help, even when he is unavailable, leading to meltdowns or frustration.

    2. Verbal expressions of love and exclusivity

    • She may say things like, “I love Daddy the most!” or “I’m going to marry Daddy when I grow up.”
    • If you tease her about her love for him, she might react strongly, seeing it as a challenge.

    3. Possessiveness over Dad

    • She might physically position herself between you and him, refusing to let you sit next to him on the couch.
    • She could become jealous if you and Dad are affectionate, pushing you away or interrupting your conversations.

    4. Mild rejection or rivalry toward Mom

    • She may correct or contradict you in favor of Dad (“Daddy says it’s not like that!”).
    • At times, she might imitate your behaviors in a critical or exaggerated way.
    • She may start to say things like “Go away, Mommy” or “Daddy is better at everything.”

    Why Does This Happen?

    • Developmental exploration – She is experimenting with different attachments and testing emotional boundaries.
    • Identity formation – She may be starting to understand gender roles and unconsciously sees you as a \”rival\” for Dad’s attention.
    • Emotional safety – If Dad is more playful, easygoing, or indulgent, she may naturally gravitate toward him during this phase.

    This preference usually fades naturally over time as the child integrates a more balanced sense of connection to both parents. However, if a mother has a history of childhood emotional neglect (CEN), this phase may feel far more painful than it actually is—not because of what’s happening now, but because of what it unconsciously brings up from her own past.

    Why This Feels Harder for a Mother with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)

    For most mothers, this phase is a temporary and normal shift in attachment. However, if you grew up with emotional neglect, your response may be more intense and painful.

    How CEN Shapes a Mother’s Reaction to the Electra Complex

    1. Rejection Feels Familiar and Wounding

    • If your own parents were emotionally unavailable, distant, or rejecting, your daughter’s preference for Dad might feel like history repeating itself.
    • Even though her behavior is developmentally normal, your nervous system might interpret it as a deep wound.

    2. Unconscious Fear of Being “Not Enough”

    • Many CEN mothers struggle with self-worth and may think, \”If my own daughter doesn’t want me, maybe I really am unlovable.\”
    • This can lead to self-doubt, emotional withdrawal, or guilt-based overcompensation.

    3. Envy and Pain Toward the Partner

    • You might notice resentment toward your partner, even if he’s not doing anything wrong.
    • Seeing how easily your daughter connects with him may bring up grief over what you never had with your own parents.

    4. Difficulty Staying Emotionally Available

    • If you unconsciously shut down or pull away in response to feeling rejected, your daughter might sense your withdrawal and react with even more clinginess toward Dad.
    • This creates a cycle where your unprocessed wounds impact your ability to stay fully present.

    Signs That Your Own CEN History is Being Triggered

    • You feel disproportionately hurt by her choosing Dad over you.
    • You notice yourself emotionally shutting down or withdrawing when she rejects you.
    • You experience waves of resentment toward your partner, even when he’s being a good father.
    • You feel like a failure as a mother or wonder “Why doesn’t she love me?”
    • The experience brings up childhood memories of feeling invisible, unwanted, or less loved than a sibling/parent figure.

    This is not a personal failing—it’s an opportunity for self-awareness and healing. By understanding how CEN distorts your perception of attachment, you can consciously step out of old patterns and reframe the experience.

    Breaking the Cycle: How to Respond with Awareness

    Instead of reacting from a place of old wounds, try approaching this phase with intentional emotional regulation and connection.

    1. Recognize That It’s Not Personal

    • Your daughter’s behavior is not about rejecting you—it’s about her developmental need to explore attachment.
    • Remind yourself: “This is a phase, not a reflection of my worth as a mother.”

    2. Acknowledge and Soothe Your Inner Child

    • Ask yourself: “What does this remind me of from my own childhood?”
    • When you feel triggered, pause and practice self-compassion. You’re not reliving the past—you have the power to break the cycle.

    3. Stay Emotionally Present, Even When It’s Hard

    • If you feel like withdrawing, gently lean in instead.
    • Find small ways to connect without forcing it—a soft smile, a warm touch, an invitation to play.

    4. Strengthen Your Unique Bond with Your Daughter

    • Instead of competing for attention, nurture your connection in your own way.
    • Find special rituals that are just for the two of you (a bedtime song, a secret handshake, a baking tradition).

    5. Work on Your Own Healing

    • This phase can be a powerful mirror for your own emotional wounds.
    • Therapy (especially IFS, somatic work, or EMDR) can help you process and reframe these emotions.

    Healing Takes Time, But You Are Not Alone

    If this phase feels painful, triggering, or overwhelming, remember:

    • You are not failing as a mother.
    • Your past does not define your ability to create a new kind of relationship with your child.
    • Healing your own wounds will deepen your capacity for secure, joyful motherhood.

    Your daughter does love you—this is just a developmental passage. And as you heal your own childhood wounds, you’re giving her the greatest gift possible: a mother who shows up fully, despite her past.

    Recommended Books on Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) & Attachment

    • \”Running on Empty\” – Jonice Webb, PhD (Excellent for understanding CEN and its impact on parenting.)
    • \”The Body Keeps the Score\” – Bessel van der Kolk, MD (Explores how childhood emotional wounds shape the nervous system.)
    • \”Hold On to Your Kids\” – Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Maté (Discusses parent-child attachment and why parental presence is key.)
    • \”Mother Hunger\” – Kelly McDaniel (Addresses how maternal emotional neglect shapes a woman’s emotional world.)
    • \”Parenting from the Inside Out\” – Daniel J. Siegel & Mary Hartzell (Great for breaking generational emotional patterns.)

    (If you’re looking for books to help you through this journey, I’ve included Amazon affiliate links—but please support local bookstores or thrift shops when possible! If you were going to buy from Amazon anyway, I’d appreciate you using my link.)

    Therapy Approaches That Can Help

    If this phase is bringing up deep pain, consider working with a therapist trained in one of these approaches:

    1. Internal Family Systems (IFS) – Helps you identify wounded inner parts (like your \”neglected child\” self) and nurture them with self-compassion.
    2. Somatic Experiencing (SE) – Supports you in processing emotions stored in the body, particularly from early childhood.
    3. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) – Can help you work through past rejection or emotional neglect.
    4. Attachment-Based Therapy – Focuses on healing relationship wounds and building emotional security.

    Self-directed healing through journaling and mindfulness can also be deeply healing. This is why I’ve prepared a free downloadable worksheet with journaling prompts. I hope you’ll find it therapeutic:

    Download journaling worksheet for free

    Q&A: Common Concerns for CEN Mothers During This Phase

    Q: My daughter only wants her dad, and it breaks my heart. How do I cope?
    A: Remind yourself that this is a normal and temporary phase, not a reflection of your worth. Instead of forcing closeness, focus on staying emotionally available in small ways (gentle eye contact, playful interactions, simple acts of care).

    Q: I feel intense resentment toward my partner because of this. What can I do?
    A: Acknowledge that this isn’t really about him—it’s about the wounds this dynamic is triggering in you. Share your feelings vulnerably rather than with blame (“I’m noticing I feel left out, and I think it’s bringing up some old stuff for me.”). Seeking support through therapy or journaling can help.

    Q: How do I make sure I don’t withdraw from my daughter?
    A: Try leaning in with curiosity rather than fear. If she refuses your help, you can still stay present—sit nearby, offer a warm smile, or show up in ways that feel non-threatening. Small, consistent moments of connection matter more than big gestures.

    Q: What if my daughter’s preference for Dad never goes away?
    A: Over time, children develop a more balanced attachment to both parents. Your unique bond will unfold naturally if you keep showing up with warmth and consistency. If the preference persists, it may be helpful to explore whether there are dynamics at play in the family system (e.g., different parenting styles, subtle emotional distance).

    Conclusion: A Message for CEN Mothers

    If this phase is triggering deep pain, you are not alone. The discomfort you feel is not because you are failing as a mother—it’s because this experience is shining a light on your own unmet childhood needs. This is hard, but it’s also an opportunity for healing.

    By becoming aware of your emotional triggers and choosing to respond differently, you are breaking a cycle that may have lasted for generations. Your daughter doesn’t need you to be perfect—she just needs you to keep showing up, even in your imperfection.

    You are doing better than you think. And most importantly—your daughter does love you.

    If you currently feel lost and overwhelmed, read about The Unexpected Challenges of Motherhood: A Dark Night of the Soul (and how to eventually emerge from it!)

    Find yourself grieving the loss of your pre-motherhood self? Check out the following guide guide for a deep dive into the maiden to mother transition.

    Share your experience!

    Parenting through the lens of childhood emotional neglect can be deeply complex, especially when faced with your child’s intense need for connection. Have you ever struggled with feelings of inadequacy or emotional distance in moments like these? Share your thoughts, experiences, or insights in the comments below—your story might help another parent feel less alone.

  • Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child)

    Introduction: The Invisible Blueprint That Shapes Your Parenting

    You love your child. You want to be a great parent. But despite your best efforts, you sometimes find yourself reacting in ways you don’t understand—pulling away emotionally, feeling overwhelmed by your child’s neediness, or struggling with a fear of not being \”enough.\”

    If you’ve ever felt this, you’re not alone. Your attachment style—the way you learned to connect (or disconnect) in childhood—can deeply influence how you parent.

    The good news? Attachment wounds are not destiny. With awareness and healing, you can break generational cycles and create a secure, loving foundation for your child.

    This guide will help you:

    • Identify your attachment style and how it impacts your parenting. Free questionnaire included!
    • Understand the transgenerational transfer of attachment patterns.
    • Learn how trauma (CEN, CPTSD) influences attachment and parenting.
    • Discover research-backed healing approaches (IFS, EMDR, Polyvagal Theory, Somatic Work)
    • Use practical strategies and exercises to foster secure attachment in your child—even if you didn’t have it yourself.
    • Discover books and YouTube channels to start healing now

    1. Understand your Attachment Style

    Parenting is not only about meeting your child\’s physical needs but also about nurturing their emotional world. How you do this—often unconsciously—is influenced by the way you learned to connect as a child. Your attachment style, formed in early relationships, sets the blueprint for how you relate to others. When we understand these patterns, we can begin to shift them for the benefit of both ourselves and our children.

    Secure Attachment: The Foundation of Responsive Parenting

    Description & Impact:
    Secure attachment is characterized by a healthy balance of intimacy and independence. Parents with this style are comfortable both with closeness and with giving their child space. They are emotionally available, responsive, and consistent in their care.

    Example:
    Consider Clara, a mother who notices her toddler crying after a fall. Rather than panicking or dismissing the emotion, she calmly kneels beside the child, speaks in a soothing tone, and offers gentle physical comfort. Her child, feeling seen and supported, quickly regains composure and feels safe to explore further.

    Therapeutic Insight:
    Research shows that secure attachment in parents is linked to better emotional regulation and a secure base from which children explore the world (Ainsworth et al., 1978). Maintaining secure attachment involves self-awareness and consistency—qualities that nurture not only the child’s growth but also the parent\’s sense of competence and calm.

    Anxious Attachment: Navigating the Need for Reassurance

    Description & Impact:
    Parents with an anxious attachment style often have an intense need for closeness and validation. They may worry that they’re not meeting their child’s needs or fear abandonment—even by their own child. This can lead to over-involvement or hyper-vigilance.

    Example:
    Sarah, a mother with an anxious attachment style, constantly checks in on her preschooler throughout the day. When her child expresses any sign of frustration or sadness, Sarah’s heart races with worry. Although her intentions are loving, her repeated reassurances can sometimes overwhelm her child, inadvertently reinforcing the child’s own anxiety about being away from their mother’s constant presence.

    Therapeutic Insight:
    Studies indicate that anxious attachment in parents can result in higher stress levels and difficulties in regulating emotions (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). To help soothe these tendencies, practices like mindfulness and self-soothing techniques can be effective. For example, Sarah might benefit from a daily mindfulness exercise to center herself, thereby enabling a calmer, more balanced response when her child needs comfort.

    Avoidant Attachment: The Challenge of Emotional Distance

    Description & Impact:
    Avoidant attachment is marked by a strong emphasis on self-reliance and an avoidance of emotional intimacy. Parents with this style might struggle to express affection or engage deeply with their child’s emotional needs, often defaulting to a more detached, “practical” approach.

    Example:
    Jessica, who exhibits avoidant attachment, often feels uncomfortable when her child cries. Instead of offering a warm embrace or gentle reassurance, she might dismiss the emotions with a quick “It’s okay, don’t worry about it,” leaving her child with an unspoken message that their feelings aren’t important.

    Therapeutic Insight:
    This emotional distance can affect the child’s ability to form secure bonds later in life. Research suggests that children of avoidantly attached parents may have difficulty trusting others and expressing their own emotions (Cassidy & Shaver, 2008). Healing in this area often involves gradually practicing vulnerability—small, intentional acts of connection such as daily cuddles or verbal affirmations that help both the parent and child feel more secure.

    Disorganized Attachment: The Struggle with Unpredictability

    Description & Impact:
    Disorganized attachment arises from inconsistent or even frightening caregiving in childhood. This style is often seen in parents who themselves have experienced trauma or neglect. Their emotional responses can swing unpredictably between warmth and withdrawal, leaving children confused and anxious.

    Example:
    Lucy, a mother with disorganized attachment, may sometimes shower her child with affection and care, only to suddenly become distant or even reactive when stressed. This unpredictability makes it difficult for her child to develop a reliable sense of security, as they can never be sure how their emotions will be met.

    Searching for a transformational book? See why Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood is an excellent choice.

    Therapeutic Insight:
    Disorganized attachment is closely linked with complex trauma, including CEN and CPTSD (Cloitre et al., 2009). Healing requires both internal and relational work—practices such as Internal Family Systems (IFS) can help Lucy identify and soothe the conflicted parts of herself that cause these erratic responses. Additionally, engaging in therapies like EMDR can help process the deep-rooted traumas contributing to disorganized patterns, and somatic practices (such as grounding exercises) can stabilize her nervous system during moments of overwhelm.

    Connection to Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) and CPTSD

    Both Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) and Complex PTSD (CPTSD) can significantly influence how attachment styles develop. CEN, which involves the absence of emotional responsiveness during childhood, often results in feelings of emptiness, difficulty in expressing emotions, and challenges in forming secure relationships. CPTSD, which can develop from prolonged exposure to trauma, intensifies these challenges, leading to heightened emotional reactivity or numbness.

    How It Plays Out in Parenting:

    • A mother who experienced CEN might find herself emotionally disconnected when her child expresses vulnerability, simply because she never learned how to validate those feelings in herself.
    • Similarly, CPTSD can lead to a cycle where the parent is either overly reactive or deeply withdrawn, making consistent, secure attachment more challenging.

    Research Insight:
    Studies have found that adults with a history of CEN and CPTSD often struggle with self-regulation and establishing secure attachments (Ogden et al., 2006). Recognizing these patterns is the first step in breaking the cycle—by understanding your own wounds, you can consciously work to provide the care your child deserves.

    By understanding these attachment styles and their impacts, you can begin to see how your own early experiences and unresolved emotional wounds may be influencing your parenting today. This self-awareness is the cornerstone of change—allowing you to adopt strategies that foster secure attachment and help break harmful generational cycles.

    Assess your own attachment style

    Download the following free questionnaire and take time to reflect on the various statements. You’ll also find instructions for evaluating your results. This should give you an idea what to start addressing on your healing journey. Although it does take time, secure attachment can definitely be earned and is well worth the work.

    Download free questionnaire

    Unless we heal ourselves, we are set to unwillingly transfer our wounds to our children. We will discuss how this happens in the following section of this guide.

    2. Transgenerational Transfer of Attachment Patterns

    Our attachment patterns do not emerge in isolation; they are woven into the fabric of our family histories. The way we connect with our caregivers shapes our emotional blueprint, and that blueprint often becomes the model we use to relate to our own children. This transgenerational transfer of attachment patterns occurs largely unconsciously, through both behavioral modeling and subtle, biological processes.

    How Attachment Patterns Are Passed Down Unknowingly

    1. Modeling and Learned Behavior:
    From the moment we are born, we observe and internalize how our caregivers interact with us. For example, if a parent consistently responds with warmth and reassurance, a child learns that closeness is safe and rewarding. Conversely, if a parent is emotionally distant or inconsistent, the child may come to expect that love and care are unpredictable. These early experiences create an internal template that influences how we later relate to our own children.

    • Example:
      Consider a mother who grew up with a parent who rarely expressed affection. Unknowingly, she might struggle to provide consistent warmth to her own child. Even if she deeply desires to be nurturing, her internalized blueprint may lead her to be distant during moments of stress, reinforcing a cycle of insecurity.

    2. Mirror Neurons and Biological Synchrony:
    Research in neuroscience has highlighted the role of mirror neurons—cells in our brain that activate when we observe the actions or emotions of others. These neurons help us empathize and learn from our caregivers\’ emotional responses. When a child sees their parent reacting to stress or joy, their brain “mirrors” that behavior, laying the groundwork for future emotional regulation.

    • Research Insight:
      Studies suggest that mirror neurons contribute to our ability to “read” others’ emotions (Rizzolatti & Craighero, 2004). This neurological mechanism reinforces the idea that children absorb not just explicit behaviors but also the subtle, underlying emotional states of their parents.

    3. Nervous System Co-Regulation:
    Beyond behavioral modeling, the intimate, physical interactions between a parent and child (like holding, eye contact, and soothing touch) play a crucial role in nervous system co-regulation. When a caregiver is emotionally available, their calm state helps the child learn how to self-regulate. However, if a parent’s own nervous system is dysregulated—perhaps due to unresolved trauma—the child’s developing nervous system may also become more reactive or insecure.

    • Example:
      A parent who experiences anxiety or dysregulation (often rooted in their own attachment wounds) may inadvertently transmit these states to their child. Over time, this can make it harder for the child to develop a stable, secure sense of emotional safety.

    Unresolved Childhood Wounds and Their Impact on Child Attachment

    When parents carry unresolved wounds—stemming from Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) or Complex PTSD (C-PTSD)—they may unintentionally recreate similar emotional environments for their children. The parent’s internal struggles with self-worth, trust, and emotional expression can translate into behaviors that leave the child feeling uncertain or insecure about their own worth and safety.

    • Example:
      If a parent was raised in an environment where expressing emotions was discouraged, they might find it difficult to validate or respond to their child’s emotional needs. The child, in turn, may internalize the message that their feelings are unimportant, perpetuating a cycle of emotional neglect.

    Breaking the Cycle

    Understanding that these patterns are transmitted both behaviorally and biologically is a powerful first step toward breaking the cycle. Here are some strategies:

    • Increase Self-Awareness:
      Reflect on your own childhood experiences and consider how they might be influencing your interactions today. Journaling and self-assessment questionnaires can help identify recurring patterns. Here is a downloadable worksheet with journaling prompts: download for free
    • Engage in Therapeutic Work:
      Approaches like Internal Family Systems (IFS) and EMDR can help process and heal unresolved wounds, allowing you to shift your internal blueprint.
    • IFS encourages you to listen compassionately to your inner “parts” and heal the wounded inner child, fostering a sense of wholeness.
    • EMDR helps reprocess traumatic memories so that they no longer trigger intense emotional responses.
    • Practice Co-Regulation:
      Focus on creating a calm, predictable environment for your child. Small, consistent acts of touch, eye contact, and verbal reassurance help teach your child that they are safe. Mindfulness and somatic exercises (like grounding techniques or deep breathing) can be especially useful.
    • Educate Yourself and Seek Support:
      Learning about attachment theory and its impact on parenting can empower you to make conscious choices. Support groups, therapy, and even reading recommended books can provide ongoing guidance.

    Research and Reflection

    The scientific community continues to explore how early attachment experiences shape our neural pathways and emotional responses. For instance, research by Schore (2001) demonstrates that early relationships directly affect brain development, influencing our capacity for empathy, self-regulation, and trust. Recognizing these patterns can be a transformative insight for parents who wish to break free from cycles of insecurity.

    In summary, our attachment patterns are deeply interwoven with our early experiences, transmitted unconsciously through both our behaviors and our biology. Recognizing and understanding these patterns is the first step in healing—for both you and your child.

    3. Frameworks for Healing & Breaking the Cycle

    Healing your attachment wounds is a journey—a process of reclaiming your capacity for connection, both with yourself and your child. Several therapeutic frameworks have proven effective in helping parents process past traumas and shift their emotional patterns. In this section, we explore key modalities and practices that can transform your parenting experience.

    Internal Family Systems (IFS)

    What It Is:
    IFS is a therapeutic approach developed by Richard Schwartz that views the mind as made up of multiple “parts,” each with its own perspective and feelings. These parts often represent voices or subpersonalities, such as a wounded inner child, a critical inner voice, or a protective part. The goal of IFS is to help you identify, understand, and harmonize these parts.

    How It Helps in Parenting:

    • Healing the Inner Child: Many attachment wounds stem from unmet childhood needs. IFS encourages you to listen to your inner child—the part that felt abandoned or neglected—and offer it compassion and care.
    • Reducing Reactivity: When you’re triggered by your child’s emotions, IFS helps you recognize which part is activated and why. This creates space to respond rather than react impulsively.
    • Enhancing Emotional Regulation: By acknowledging and integrating your various parts, you can build internal harmony, leading to a calmer, more attuned presence as a parent.

    Practical IFS Exercise:

    1. When you feel triggered by your child’s behavior, pause and take a few deep breaths.
    2. Ask yourself, “Which part of me is feeling hurt or scared right now?”
    3. Visualize that part and speak to it as you would to a wounded child: “I see you’re hurting. I’m here to take care of you.”
    4. Allow that part to share its feelings, and thank it for trying to protect you.
    5. Notice how this self-compassion softens your reaction, allowing you to respond with care.

    EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

    What It Is:
    EMDR is an evidence-based therapy primarily used for treating trauma and PTSD. It involves guided eye movements (or other forms of bilateral stimulation) to help reprocess traumatic memories so that they lose their emotional charge.

    How It Helps in Parenting:

    • Reprocessing Traumatic Memories: EMDR helps you revisit painful memories from your past—such as moments of emotional neglect—in a safe, structured way. Over time, these memories become less triggering.
    • Creating New Neural Pathways: By reprocessing trauma, you can reshape your emotional responses, making it easier to parent without being overwhelmed by past hurts.
    • Enhancing Self-Regulation: As your trauma responses lessen, you can engage more fully with your child’s needs without being dragged into old, reactive patterns.

    Practical Considerations:

    • Find a Certified Therapist: EMDR should be done with a trained professional. If you’re interested in this modality, consider seeking out a therapist who specializes in trauma and attachment issues.
    • Reflect Post-Session: Journaling after sessions can help you integrate your new insights and notice changes in your emotional responses.

    Somatic Work

    What It Is:
    Somatic therapy emphasizes the body’s role in processing and healing trauma. It involves techniques that help you become aware of bodily sensations and release tension that is often stored in the body due to emotional distress.

    How It Helps in Parenting:

    • Releasing Stored Tension: Physical practices like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and gentle movement can help reduce the physiological effects of stress.
    • Improving Self-Regulation: By tuning into your body, you can catch early signs of emotional overwhelm and take steps to calm your nervous system.
    • Building a Mind-Body Connection: As you become more aware of your physical sensations, you can better understand how past traumas affect your present behavior.

    Practical Somatic Exercises:

    • Grounding: Stand or sit with your feet flat on the ground. Slowly inhale, noticing the connection between your feet and the floor. Exhale deeply, imagining any tension flowing away.
    • Body Scan Meditation: Take 5–10 minutes to mentally scan your body from head to toe. Notice areas of tension, and as you breathe, consciously release the tightness.
    • Humming or Deep Sighing: These simple actions can stimulate the vagus nerve, helping shift your body from a state of fight-or-flight to calm.

    Polyvagal Theory

    What It Is:
    Developed by Stephen Porges, Polyvagal Theory explains how our autonomic nervous system responds to stress. It highlights three states: a calm, social engagement state (ventral vagal), a fight-or-flight state (sympathetic), and a shutdown state (dorsal vagal).

    How It Helps in Parenting:

    • Recognizing Your State: Understanding whether you’re in a calm state or a state of high alert can help you choose appropriate responses to your child’s emotional cues.
    • Co-Regulation: When you’re calm, you can help your child feel safe and regulated. Simple practices like deep breathing together or engaging in calming activities can foster connection.
    • Restoring Safety: Knowing the signs of dysregulation empowers you to use quick techniques (like gentle touch or soft humming) to shift yourself—and your child—back into a state of safety.

    Practical Tip:
    When you notice yourself becoming stressed or reactive, pause for a moment, take a few slow, deep breaths, and remind yourself: “I am safe, and my child is safe.” This conscious shift can help both of you move back into a calm, connected state.

    Circle of Security

    What It Is:
    The Circle of Security is an attachment-based intervention that provides a visual and practical roadmap for understanding children’s emotional needs. It emphasizes the importance of being a secure base from which a child can explore and to which they can return for comfort.

    How It Helps in Parenting:

    • Creating Predictability: By being consistent and responsive, you help your child learn that they can rely on you when they need comfort.
    • Encouraging Exploration: When a child knows that you are a secure base, they are more likely to explore their environment confidently.
    • Repairing Ruptures: The model also emphasizes the importance of repairing moments of disconnection, turning missteps into opportunities for deeper connection.

    Practical Exercise:
    Draw a simple circle representing the safe space of your home. Reflect on how you can provide a welcoming return for your child when they feel upset, ensuring that even if they stray, they always have a secure place to come back to.

    Human Givens Approach

    What It Is:
    The Human Givens approach posits that every human being has innate needs for safety, belonging, autonomy, and meaning. When these needs are met, we thrive; when they are unmet, we experience distress.

    How It Helps in Parenting:

    • Understanding Primal Needs: This approach reminds us that secure attachment isn’t just about emotional warmth—it’s about fulfilling fundamental human needs.
    • Practical Parenting: By recognizing and addressing these needs (for instance, ensuring your child feels a sense of belonging and autonomy), you create an environment where both you and your child can flourish.
    • Holistic Healing: The Human Givens framework integrates emotional, physical, and social aspects, helping you see the bigger picture of what secure attachment requires.

    Practical Tip:
    Consider the basic human needs outlined in this model, and reflect on how your daily interactions with your child either meet or fall short of those needs. Use this insight to adjust your parenting practices accordingly.


    These healing frameworks are not isolated techniques—they are part of a holistic approach to parenting that involves both internal work and external behaviors. Whether you’re using IFS to heal your inner child, EMDR to reprocess traumatic memories, or somatic practices to regulate your body’s stress response, the goal is the same: to create a secure, loving, and stable environment for your child and for yourself.

    By integrating these approaches into your daily life, you can gradually shift your internal attachment blueprint, break the cycle of insecurity, and nurture a resilient, secure bond with your child.

    4. Book & YouTube Recommendations

    Books

    1. Attached – The New Science of Adult Attachment (Amir Levine & Rachel Heller)
      Summary: This groundbreaking book explains how different attachment styles—secure, anxious, and avoidant—affect our relationships. It offers clear explanations and practical strategies to help individuals recognize their own patterns. For parents, it provides insights into how these styles can influence interactions with their children and offers guidance on building healthier relationships.
    2. Parenting from the Inside Out (Daniel J. Siegel & Mary Hartzell)
      Summary: Using neuroscience and attachment theory, this book explores how our early experiences shape our parenting. It emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and understanding one’s own emotional history to create a secure and nurturing environment for children. The practical exercises and reflective questions can help parents break generational cycles of emotional neglect.
    3. Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers (Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Maté)
      Summary: This classic text argues that a secure attachment to parents is essential for healthy development. It challenges the prevailing trend of peer orientation and explains how strong, caring relationships between parents and children build resilience and emotional security. Its insights can guide parents in fostering deep, meaningful bonds with their children.
    4. What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing (Bruce D. Perry & Oprah Winfrey)
      Summary: This compassionate book reframes trauma by asking, “What happened to you?” rather than “What\’s wrong with you?” It provides a deep look into how early traumatic experiences, including CEN and CPTSD, shape our lives. For parents, it offers a roadmap to understanding and healing past wounds, thus improving emotional availability for their children.

    (If you’re looking for books to help you through this journey, I’ve included Amazon affiliate links—but please support local bookstores or thrift shops when possible! If you were going to buy from Amazon anyway, I’d appreciate you using my link.)

    YouTube Channels

    1. Heidi Priebe
      Summary: Heidi Priebe’s channel offers insightful videos on attachment theory, focusing particularly on avoidant and anxious patterns. Her compassionate approach helps viewers understand complex emotions and provides actionable advice for healing and building secure relationships. Her content is especially valuable for parents seeking to understand and adjust their attachment behaviors.
    2. The Holistic Psychologist
      Summary: This channel, run by Dr. Nicole LePera, covers a broad range of topics related to healing, self-awareness, and trauma recovery. Her videos often explore how childhood experiences and attachment wounds impact our present lives, including parenting. Her practical advice, reflective exercises, and emphasis on self-healing make her a great resource for mothers working to foster secure attachment.
    3. Gabor Maté
      Summary: Renowned for his work on trauma, addiction, and parenting, Gabor Maté’s channel offers profound insights into how early experiences affect our emotional and physical well-being. His discussions on trauma, attachment, and resilience provide valuable perspectives for parents seeking to understand and heal from deep-rooted wounds.

    5. Q&A Section

    Can an avoidant parent learn to be emotionally present?
    Answer: Yes. While avoidant attachment may lead to emotional distancing, consistent effort—through practices like mindfulness, physical affection, and gradual exposure to vulnerability—can help increase emotional availability over time. Therapy approaches, including IFS and somatic work, are particularly useful in gently expanding your comfort zone.

    How does attachment insecurity impact discipline?
    Answer: Insecure attachment can manifest as overly harsh discipline (to control behavior) or overly permissive discipline (to avoid conflict). Recognizing your attachment style helps you understand these patterns, allowing you to adopt more balanced, empathetic approaches to discipline that prioritize connection over punishment.

    Can I repair my child’s attachment even if I made mistakes in the past?
    Answer: Absolutely. Secure attachment is built through consistent, responsive interactions over time. Even if there have been ruptures or mistakes, the process of repair—apologizing, validating your child’s feelings, and reestablishing trust—can mend the bond. Research shows that the brain is remarkably adaptable, and small, consistent efforts can lead to lasting change.

    What if my child already shows signs of anxious or avoidant attachment?
    Answer: It’s not too late. By becoming more emotionally available and practicing co-regulation techniques, you can help your child learn that emotional expression is safe. Therapeutic interventions, such as parent-child interaction therapy (PCIT), can also be beneficial in reshaping attachment dynamics.

    Can therapy really change my attachment style?
    Answer: Yes. While attachment styles are deeply ingrained, therapies like IFS, EMDR, and somatic therapy have been shown to help reprocess and heal early wounds. With time, self-reflection, and consistent effort, many individuals experience significant shifts toward more secure attachment patterns.

    What’s the first step in healing attachment wounds?
    Answer: Awareness. Begin by acknowledging your own attachment patterns and the ways in which they affect your parenting. Self-assessment tools and journaling can be valuable first steps. Seeking professional help, such as a therapist trained in trauma and attachment work, is also highly recommended.

    How do I stop parenting from a place of fear?
    Answer: Recognize that fear often stems from unresolved past trauma. Engage in practices that foster self-compassion and emotional regulation—such as mindfulness, grounding techniques, and self-soothing exercises. Remember, it’s not about being perfect, but about being present and open to growth.

    What if my partner has a different attachment style?
    Answer: Differences in attachment styles can be challenging but also offer opportunities for growth. Open communication, couple’s therapy, and shared parenting strategies can help balance the differences. Understanding each other’s triggers and supporting one another in moments of vulnerability is key to fostering a harmonious parenting environment.

    How can I make parenting feel less overwhelming?
    Answer: Breaking parenting into small, manageable steps can help. Practice self-care, create routines that include moments of mindfulness, and seek support—whether through therapy, support groups, or trusted friends. Remember, every small step toward secure attachment and self-healing reduces the overall emotional burden.

    Healing your attachment wounds is a journey—and every step you take brings you closer to nurturing a secure, loving relationship with your child. Whether you’re working to understand your own past, engage in therapeutic practices like IFS or EMDR, or simply making time for daily mindfulness, remember that change is possible. Your willingness to explore and grow not only benefits you but also creates a legacy of emotional resilience for your child.

    Take the next step: explore the Attachment Style Self-Assessment Questionnaire and Downloadable Journaling Worksheet on Attachment & Parenting. Your journey toward healing and secure attachment starts with one small, brave step.

    Download free journaling worksheet

    Join the Conversation!

    Your experiences and insights matter. Have you noticed how your attachment style influences your parenting? What strategies have helped you build a more secure connection with your child?

    Share your thoughts in the comments below—your story might help another parent on their journey!

    You find yourself grieving the loss of your pre-motherhood self? Check out the following guide for a deep dive into the maiden to mother transition.

    If you currently feel lost and overwhelmed, read about The Unexpected challenges of motherhood: A Dark Night of the Soul (and how to eventually emerge from it!)

    References

    1. Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
    2. Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
    3. Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love. TarcherPerigee.
    4. Siegel, D. J., & Hartzell, M. (2014). Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive. TarcherPerigee.
    5. Schore, A. N. (2001). \”The effects of early relational trauma on right brain development, affect regulation, and infant mental health.\” Infant Mental Health Journal, 22(1-2), 201-269.
    6. van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.
    7. Perry, B. D., & Winfrey, O. (2021). What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing. Flatiron Books.
    8. Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
    9. Wallin, D. J. (2007). Attachment in Psychotherapy. Guilford Press.
    10. Tronick, E. Z. (2007). The Neurobehavioral and Social-Emotional Development of Infants and Children. W. W. Norton & Company.

  • Self-Care Rituals from Ancient Traditions for Modern Mothers

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    Motherhood is one of life’s most profound and transformative journeys. But it’s also an incredibly demanding experience, both physically and emotionally. Often, modern mothers find themselves so immersed in the needs of their children, household, and partners that their own well-being slips to the bottom of the priority list. However, the ancient wisdom of self-care rituals can help mothers reconnect with themselves, restore balance, and maintain their health. This guide will explore time-tested practices from various cultures, their relevance today, and how they can support mothers in navigating their unique challenges.

    The Importance of Self-Care for Mothers

    Self-care is more than just a trendy buzzword; it’s a crucial part of emotional and physical well-being. For mothers, it is the foundation that enables them to care for others. Without nurturing oneself, it’s easy to become depleted, overwhelmed, or burnt out. In fact, studies have shown that lack of self-care can contribute to depression, anxiety, and chronic stress in mothers, making it harder to care for their children or themselves.

    Self-care isn’t just about pampering; it’s about nourishing the body, mind, and soul in ways that restore vitality, happiness, and mental clarity. It’s especially crucial for mothers who may experience isolation, exhaustion, and a diminished sense of identity as they tend to the needs of their families.

    Research on Maternal Mental Health

    Research from the American Psychological Association highlights that mothers are at a higher risk for mental health challenges, especially during the postpartum period. A study published in JAMA Psychiatry found that nearly 1 in 5 mothers experience symptoms of depression or anxiety within the first year after childbirth. This underscores the importance of self-care to combat the mental strain of motherhood.

    Ancient Self-Care Rituals and Their Modern Relevance

    1. Ayurvedic Practices (India)

    Ayurveda, an ancient system of medicine from India, emphasizes balance in the mind, body, and spirit. Central to Ayurvedic self-care is the practice of Abhyanga (self-massage with warm oils). This ritual not only promotes relaxation but also improves circulation, reduces tension, and enhances emotional well-being.

    Abhyanga: The Healing Power of Oil Massage

    • How it Helps: In Ayurveda, the body is seen as a vessel that requires daily care and attention. Abhyanga restores balance, stimulates the lymphatic system, and encourages the flow of prana (life force energy).
    • Practical Tip: Mothers can use organic sesame or coconut oil for Abhyanga. Simply warm the oil and massage it gently into the skin, starting from the feet and moving upwards. It can be done as part of a morning routine or before bed for a calming effect.
    • Somatic Connection: The act of touch is deeply healing. Self-massage can reduce tension, release emotional blockages, and restore the body’s natural energy flow.

    Seasonal Routines (Dinacharya)

    • Value: Ayurveda also encourages daily and seasonal routines, known as dinacharya and ritu acharya, to harmonize with the rhythms of nature. For mothers, this can mean adjusting routines according to the changing seasons, emphasizing the importance of rest, movement, and nutrition.
    • Psychological Benefit: These routines provide structure, creating a sense of control and reducing anxiety. Rituals that honor nature’s cycles also remind mothers of the ebb and flow of their own energy levels.

    2. Japanese Self-Care Practices: Wabi-Sabi and Ikigai

    Wabi-Sabi: Embracing Imperfection

    • Value: Wabi-sabi is the Japanese philosophy that celebrates beauty in imperfection. For mothers, this concept can be incredibly liberating, as it encourages them to accept their flaws and imperfections, which are part of the human experience.
    • Psychological Benefit: Embracing wabi-sabi can alleviate the pressure of “perfect” motherhood and reduce stress. When mothers accept the messiness of life, they can experience greater peace and emotional freedom.
    • Practical Tip: Create a simple ritual to honor imperfection, like setting up a quiet space with your favorite book or flower arrangement. Enjoy the small, imperfect moments of daily life without judgment.

    Ikigai: Finding Purpose

    • Value: Ikigai is the Japanese concept of “life’s purpose” — something that brings meaning and joy. For mothers, finding their personal ikigai beyond motherhood can be transformative.
    • Psychological Benefit: Having a purpose outside of the role of mother can contribute to a sense of fulfillment and well-being. It helps mothers feel whole and deeply connected to their inner selves.
    • Practical Tip: Journaling is an excellent tool for discovering your ikigai. Reflect on your passions, values, and what brings you joy outside of parenting. Ask yourself: “What could I do that would make me feel more alive and purposeful?”

    3. African Traditions: The Power of Community and Rest

    In many African cultures, there is a strong emphasis on the power of community, particularly for new mothers. Instead of facing postpartum recovery alone, mothers are supported by the village, which provides emotional and physical help.

    The Circle of Support

    • Value: This communal support helps alleviate the isolation that many mothers experience. By engaging with other women, mothers can share their experiences and feel heard and understood.
    • Psychological Benefit: Research has shown that strong social connections can buffer the negative effects of stress and depression. Social support is crucial for mental health and emotional resilience.
    • Practical Tip: If you don’t have access to a physical community, consider creating a virtual support group for mothers. Share experiences, exchange advice, and provide emotional support through regular check-ins.

    Rest and Recuperation Rituals

    • Value: In many African traditions, mothers are given time to rest and recuperate after childbirth, allowing their bodies to heal and their spirits to be nurtured.
    • Psychological Benefit: Rest is vital for recovery, both physically and emotionally. Allowing yourself to rest without guilt can reduce postpartum depression and anxiety.
    • Practical Tip: Schedule regular periods of rest and self-care, even if it’s just a few hours a week. Prioritize your needs, knowing that your well-being is essential for both you and your family.

    4. Scandinavian Practices: Hygge and Simple Pleasures

    Hygge: Finding Joy in the Everyday

    • Value: The Danish concept of hygge revolves around creating cozy, comforting environments. For mothers, hygge can provide a sense of warmth, comfort, and relaxation amidst the chaos of daily life.
    • Psychological Benefit: Embracing hygge can reduce stress and encourage mindfulness. Focusing on simple pleasures like a warm cup of tea, cozy blankets, and soft lighting can enhance happiness and well-being.
    • Practical Tip: Set up a “hygge” moment for yourself — perhaps a quiet afternoon with a hot drink, a good book, and soothing music. Take time to enjoy the small, peaceful moments in your day.

    This article on the gifts of motherhood includes many more examples of little joys and a free journaling worksheet for a sense of gratitude and accomplishment.

    Somatic Work: Reconnecting with Your Body

    Self-care is not just about mental or emotional practices but also about reconnecting with your body. Somatic practices — those that involve conscious physical movement — are especially beneficial for mothers, helping to release stored tension and emotions in the body.

    Somatic Practices to Try

    • Yoga: Gentle, restorative yoga is a powerful tool for grounding and releasing tension. Poses like Child’s Pose, Downward Dog, and Savasana promote relaxation and awareness. There are also many routines you can find on YouTube. Some of my favourites channels include Soulsaol Holistics (e.g. Psychical and Mental Tension Relief), Cole Chance Yoga (e.g. Yoga for Back Pain) and Nirvana Noy (e.g. Kundalini Yoga Practice).
    • Breathwork: Deep breathing exercises, such as diaphragmatic breathing or box breathing, help activate the parasympathetic nervous system, reducing stress and promoting calm. For a guided version, try the following Soma Breath Meditation.
    • Body Scan Meditation: This practice involves mentally scanning your body from head to toe, noticing any areas of tension, and consciously releasing them.
    • Guided meditations: A great alternative with many recordings freely available. Some are for general relaxation, others target specific issues. There are different styles and lengths, so it’s about finding what suits your needs. A favourite of mine is the following channel with a wide range of topics: YouTube channel EnTrance
    • None of those links is sponsored, I just love their content.

    Creating Your Personalized Self-Care Ritual

    Now that you’ve learned about these ancient practices, let’s create a personalized self-care ritual tailored to your needs. Consider these questions as a starting point:

    • What rituals feel most nurturing to me?
    • What practices can I integrate into my daily or weekly routine?
    • How can I connect with my community or nature for support?

    Create a list of the rituals you’d like to try and set small, achievable goals to incorporate them into your life. Remember, self-care doesn’t need to be perfect — it’s about finding what works for you and your family.

    Conclusion: The Lifelong Benefits of Self-Care

    Self-care is not a luxury; it’s a necessity. Ancient rituals provide a wealth of wisdom, reminding mothers of the importance of nourishing themselves. By integrating these practices, mothers can reconnect with their bodies, minds, and souls, fostering a sense of balance, peace, and purpose.

    I’d love to hear how you incorporate self-care rituals into your life as a mother. What practices have you found most beneficial? Share your thoughts in the comments below!

    References

    1. Barlow, J. (2017). \”The Importance of Maternal Self-Care in Preventing Postpartum Depression,\” Journal of Clinical Psychology.
    2. White, J. (2018). \”Ayurvedic Practices for Self-Care,\” Alternative Medicine Journal.
    3. Seligman, M. (2011). Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-Being.
    4. Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. (2014). *The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma*.

  • The Rewards of Motherhood: Finding Meaning, Growth, and Everyday Magic

    Motherhood is often framed in terms of exhaustion, sacrifice, and struggle. And while those realities are undeniable, they’re only part of the picture. What’s often overlooked is the deep, soul-nourishing fulfillment that comes with being a mother. The moments of pure love, the personal transformation, the unexpected glimpses of beauty—these are the treasures of motherhood.

    This article is about those rewards: the glimmers, the growth, the meaning. We’ll explore:

    • Glimmers of joy—those small, everyday moments that light up your nervous system with warmth.
    • Motherhood as a path of personal growth—including the heroine’s journey and shadow work.
    • A renewed sense of meaning and purpose—how mothering fulfills core human needs, including the need for status, purpose, and belonging (as described in the Human Givens theory).
    • Journaling prompts to enhance your sense of gratitude, accomplishment, and connection.

    Glimmers: The Small Moments That Make It All Worth It

    “Glimmers” is a term from Polyvagal Theory, describing tiny, positive moments that regulate our nervous system and bring us feelings of safety and joy. Unlike trauma triggers, which activate our fight-or-flight response, glimmers activate the parasympathetic nervous system, allowing us to feel deeply connected and present.

    Motherhood is full of these fleeting yet powerful experiences:

    • The way your child’s face lights up when they see you after a short separation.
    • The feeling of a tiny, warm hand wrapped around your finger.
    • Hearing your child’s first “I love you” or feeling their soft breath as they sleep against you.
    • When your child shares something personal with you, revealing their trust and love.
    • The deep exhale of relief when a fussy baby finally settles into sleep in your arms.
    • A moment of uncontrollable laughter over something silly and unexpected.
    • Seeing your own childhood reflected in their eyes, their joy, their curiosity.
    • When they comfort you, showing an unfiltered, intuitive love.
    • The peace of watching them explore—digging in the dirt, chasing birds, splashing in water.
    • The way your heart swells when you see them accomplish something for the first time.

    Exercise: Identifying Your Own Glimmers

    Take a moment to reflect on the glimmers in your own motherhood journey. If you struggle to notice them, try keeping a “Glimmers Journal”—each night, write down one small but beautiful moment from the day. Over time, you’ll start to train your brain to see and savor these moments.

    Motherhood as a Journey of Personal Growth and Shadow Work

    Motherhood isn’t just about raising children—it’s also about raising yourself into a more healed, self-aware version of you. It’s one of life’s most intense catalysts for growth, forcing you to confront:

    • Your own childhood wounds (triggers from the past surface in your reactions to your child).
    • Perfectionism and control (learning to embrace the chaos of parenting).
    • Patience and surrender (realizing you cannot rush the process of childhood).
    • Boundaries and self-worth (understanding that your needs matter too).

    The Heroine’s Journey in Motherhood

    Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey is often applied to male-dominated myths, but Maureen Murdock’s Heroine’s Journey describes the feminine path of transformation. Motherhood aligns perfectly with this model:

    • Separation from the old self—Becoming a mother shatters your previous identity.
    • Descent into the underworld—Experiencing overwhelm, exhaustion, or identity loss.
    • Meeting the shadow—Facing deep-seated fears, wounds, and childhood conditioning.
    • Integration and rebirth—Emerging with a new sense of self, purpose, and inner strength.

    Rather than resisting these challenges, recognizing them as part of a powerful transformation can help reframe motherhood as a path of deep personal healing.

    For a deeper exploration of this topic, read: The Heroine’s Journey Through Motherhood: A Path of Healing for Emotionally Neglected Daughters

    Fulfillment: How Motherhood Meets Core Human Needs

    The Human Givens framework teaches that every human has biological and emotional needs, including:

    • The need for meaning and purpose → Motherhood provides an unparalleled sense of purpose, knowing you are shaping the next generation.
    • The need for status and recognition → While society often downplays the importance of motherhood, its biological and evolutionary role is one of the highest forms of social contribution.
    • The need for connection and belonging → Children offer a unique, deeply bonded relationship that fulfills our drive for attachment.

    Recognizing these fulfilled needs can help counterbalance the cultural narratives that often diminish the significance of motherhood.

    How Motherhood Connects You to Something Bigger

    Motherhood can feel isolating, but at the same time, it connects you to something vast and ancient.

    • A sense of legacy – You pass down wisdom, stories, love.
    • A deeper connection to nature – Pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, and sleep cycles all mirror the rhythms of the natural world.
    • A link to all mothers before you – Every culture, every time in history, mothers have felt what you feel.

    Carl Jung & The Universal Mother Archetype

    Jungian psychology speaks of the Mother Archetype, a universal symbol of creation, nourishment, and protection. Whether we realize it or not, when we mother, we step into an ancient role—one that has existed across every culture.

    • You are part of something bigger.
    • You carry forward the essence of life itself.
    • You are both an individual and a link in an unbroken chain.

    Journaling Prompts for Gratitude and a Sense of Accomplishment + Free PDF Journal

    Journaling is a powerful tool for rewiring the brain to notice and appreciate motherhood’s rewards. Try these prompts:

    • What is one small moment today that made me feel deeply connected to my child?
    • How has motherhood helped me grow emotionally?
    • What is something I handled well as a mother today?
    • How has my sense of meaning and purpose changed since becoming a parent?
    • What childhood wounds am I healing through my parenting?
    • How can I reframe a current challenge as an opportunity for personal growth?
    • What do I love most about this stage of motherhood?

    Journaling can be a powerful tool to deepen your connection to motherhood, find meaning in everyday moments, and process personal growth. Download this free worksheet with 30 journaling prompts to guide your reflections and cultivate gratitude on your motherhood journey (no email required).

    Downloaded journaling worksheet for free

    Q&A Section: Common Questions About Finding Fulfillment in Motherhood

    Q: What if I don’t feel the rewards of motherhood right now?
    A: It’s completely normal to go through seasons of burnout and emotional exhaustion. That doesn’t mean motherhood isn’t meaningful—it simply means you need support and self-care to refill your emotional reserves.

    Q: How do I stop focusing on the struggles and see more of the beauty?
    A: Awareness is the first step. Practices like mindfulness, gratitude journaling, and actively noticing glimmers can rewire your brain to focus on positive moments.

    Q: Does fulfillment in motherhood mean I don’t need anything outside of it?
    A: No! Motherhood is meaningful, but it’s not your only source of fulfillment. Personal passions, friendships, and self-care are equally important.

    Conclusion: Embracing the Rewards of Motherhood

    Motherhood isn’t just about giving—it’s also about receiving. The love, the lessons, the small moments of joy—these are all gifts. By intentionally recognizing these rewards, we can shift from feeling overwhelmed by the struggles to feeling deeply nourished by the experience.

    What is it that you love about being a mother? What are your glimmers? Share in the comments, I’d love to hear from you!

    Looking to explore the maiden to mother transition? Motherhood as a Journey of Growth: Embracing the Transition from Maiden to Mother

    Searching for a transformational book? See why Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood is an excellent choice.

    References

    • Porges, S. (1995). Polyvagal Theory: The Role of the Vagus Nerve in Emotion and Social Connection.
    • Murdock, M. (1990). The Heroine’s Journey: Woman’s Quest for Wholeness.
    • Griffin, J., & Tyrrell, I. (2003). Human Givens: The New Approach to Emotional Health and Clear Thinking.

  • The Unexpected Challenges of Motherhood: A Dark Night of the Soul

    Motherhood arrives like a tide, reshaping everything in its wake. You expected sleepless nights, endless feedings, and tender moments—but not this deep, aching sense of loss. The feeling of standing at the edge of yourself, looking for the woman you once were.

    You love your child fiercely, but somewhere along the way, you have disappeared.

    If this resonates, you are not alone. Many mothers experience a Dark Night of the Soul—a painful but profound transformation. This is not just exhaustion. It is an identity shift, a confrontation with buried wounds, and an invitation to rediscover yourself.

    Let’s explore why this happens, the psychological frameworks that can help, and how to find your way through.

    The Dark Night of the Soul in Motherhood: A Spiritual and Psychological Shift

    The Dark Night of the Soul, a term from the 16th-century mystic St. John of the Cross, describes a period of deep inner struggle where old identities fall away, leaving space for a more authentic self to emerge.

    For mothers, this often looks like:

    • Feeling disconnected from your old self.
    • Longing for freedom, spontaneity, or creative expression.
    • Feeling guilt for not always enjoying motherhood.
    • Resentment toward the relentless demands of caregiving.
    • A sense of isolation, even in a full household.

    These feelings are not a failure of love—they are part of a transformation.

    Psychologists now recognize this shift as Matrescence, the process of becoming a mother, which is just as disorienting as adolescence.

    Matrescence: Why Motherhood Feels Like an Identity Crisis

    What Is Matrescence?

    Coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael (1975), matrescence describes the physical, emotional, and psychological transformation that happens when a woman becomes a mother. Unlike the abrupt shifts of puberty, matrescence can last for years.

    A study by Saxbe et al. (2018) found that pregnancy and early motherhood literally rewire the brain, strengthening neural circuits related to caregiving while temporarily reducing areas linked to self-focus. This helps mothers attune to their babies—but can also explain why many feel they’ve lost themselves.

    How to Work with Matrescence Instead of Against It

    Instead of resisting this transformation, embrace it with gentle self-inquiry:

    • What parts of me feel lost, and which parts are simply changing?
    • How can I honor my needs while caring for my child?
    • What new strengths am I discovering in myself?

    → Journaling Exercise:
    Write a letter to your pre-motherhood self. Describe what has changed, what you grieve, and what you have gained. Then, write a response from your future self—someone who has integrated motherhood and selfhood in a way that feels whole.

    The Heroine’s Journey: A Psychological Framework for Motherhood

    What Is the Heroine’s Journey?

    In The Heroine’s Journey (1990), Maureen Murdock describes a path distinct from the traditional hero’s quest. While the hero battles external enemies, the heroine’s journey is internal—a descent into self-discovery and integration.

    How Motherhood Mirrors the Heroine’s Journey

    1. Separation from the Old Self

    • You begin motherhood with expectations—often shaped by culture, family, or social media.
    • The early months bring exhaustion, identity shifts, and the realization that motherhood is not what you imagined.

    2. The Dark Night of the Soul (Crisis & Identity Loss)

    • This is where many mothers struggle. The exhaustion, the loss of autonomy, the pressure to do everything \”right.\”
    • Childhood wounds resurface, especially if you grew up with emotional neglect (CEN) or insecure attachment. → Reflective Exercise:
      Ask yourself: What did I crave most as a child? How can I give this to myself now? If you longed for gentleness, for example, how can you create moments of softness in your daily life?

    If you find journaling helpful and would like to dive deeper, explore this guide with 30+ prompts.

    3. Meeting the Shadow (Facing Buried Wounds & Expectations)

    • Many mothers over-schedule themselves to avoid emotions.
    • Cultural narratives (“good mothers are selfless”) clash with the need for self-care. → Practical Step:
      Make a “No Longer List”—things you will no longer do in order to reclaim space for yourself. Example: I will no longer apologize for needing rest. I will no longer say yes out of guilt.

    4. Integration & Self-Reclamation

    • Slowly, you rebuild your sense of self—not as who you were before, but as someone stronger, deeper, and more whole.
    • You learn to mother yourself as well as your child.

    Polyvagal Theory: Why Motherhood Feels Overwhelming

    How Your Nervous System Responds to Stress

    According to Dr. Stephen Porges (1994), the nervous system has three main states:

    • Ventral Vagal (Safe & Connected) → Feeling present, open, emotionally available.
    • Sympathetic (Fight-or-Flight) → Feeling anxious, overwhelmed, overstimulated.
    • Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown/Freeze) → Feeling numb, disconnected, running on autopilot.

    Many mothers oscillate between fight-or-flight and shutdown, leading to exhaustion.

    How to Regulate Your Nervous System

    → Grounding Exercise:

    • Place a hand over your heart.
    • Inhale deeply for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 6.
    • Whisper to yourself, I am safe. I am allowed to rest.

    → Physical Self-Regulation:

    • Humming or singing (activates the vagus nerve).
    • Swaying or rocking (mimics the soothing movement of being held).
    • Warmth (a warm cup of tea, a bath, a blanket).

    Practical Self-Care for the Mother Who Feels Lost

    1. Micro-Restoration Practices (Tiny Acts of Self-Reclamation)

    • 2-minute sensory reset: Close your eyes, inhale a familiar scent (lavender, citrus), and notice how your body responds.
    • Drink your tea while it\’s hot. (It sounds simple, but how often do you let it go cold?)
    • Reclaim a 5-minute daily ritual. (Reading, stretching, journaling, lighting a candle.)

    2. Emotional Nourishment

    • Say \”Yes\” to help. Let someone else hold the baby while you rest.
    • Seek out other mothers who “get it.” Motherhood was never meant to be done alone.

    Stories from Mothers Who Have Been There

    Emma, 34: “I thought losing my freedom would be the hardest part of motherhood. But really, it was losing myself. I started writing poetry again, just five minutes a day. It reminded me that I still exist outside of motherhood.”

    Maya, 29: “I realized I was filling my schedule so I wouldn’t have to sit with my emotions. I thought being busy meant being productive. But slowing down was what I actually needed.”

    A Letter to the Mother Who Feels Lost

    Dear woman,

    I see you. I see the exhaustion, the quiet grief, the depth of your love, the intensity of your pain.

    You are not broken. You are becoming.

    One day, you will look back and see that you did not disappear in motherhood—you were remade.

    With love,
    A fellow traveler, once surrounded by darkness

    • Murdock, M. (1990). The Heroine’s Journey: Woman’s Quest for Wholeness. Shambhala Publications. Overview of the Heroine\’s Journey
    • Porges, S. W. (1995). \”Orienting in a defensive world: Mammalian modifications of our evolutionary heritage. A Polyvagal Theory.\” Psychophysiology, 32(4), 301-318. Polyvagal Theory Overview
    • Raphael, D. (1975). The Tender Gift: Breastfeeding. Schocken Books.
    • Saxbe, D., Golan, O., & Moses-Kolko, E. L. (2018). \”Neurobiological adaptations to motherhood: Implications for parental behavior.\” Current Opinion in Psychology, 15, 26-32.
    • St. John of the Cross (1578). Dark Night of the Soul.
    • Winnicott, D. W. (1960). \”The theory of the parent-infant relationship.\” International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 41, 585-595.

    Comment & Connect

    What part of this resonated with you? How have you navigated the unexpected challenges of motherhood? Share in the comments—I’d love to hear your story.

    Prepared for a deeper exploration of the maiden to mother transition?Check out the following guide. 

    Looking for a transformational book? See why Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood is an excellent choice.

  • From Maiden to Mother: A Journaling Guide for Embracing the Transition

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    Download and print for free:Download

    The journey into motherhood is more than a life change—it is a transformation. It is a rite of passage, an unraveling, a deep and irreversible shift in identity. The transition from maiden to mother is both tender and tumultuous, filled with loss, discovery, and redefinition.

    Many of us enter motherhood unprepared for the emotional and psychological shifts it demands. We expect exhaustion, but not the loneliness. We anticipate love, but not the loss of self. We long to be good mothers, yet often feel disconnected from our own intuition.

    This guide offers a path to navigate these changes with self-awareness, reflection, and intention. Through journaling, you will explore the three stages of this transition: separation (letting go of the maiden), liminality (the in-between), and incorporation (embracing the mother).

    Why Journaling Helps with the Maiden to Mother Transition

    Motherhood often stirs emotions from our own childhood wounds, attachment patterns, and unmet needs. Journaling offers a way to witness, process, and integrate these shifts, helping us to step into motherhood with more clarity and confidence.

    Research shows that expressive writing can reduce anxiety, improve emotional regulation, and even help rewire negative thought patterns (Pennebaker & Smyth, 2016). When we put our thoughts on paper, we engage the brain’s problem-solving center, making it easier to release fears, uncover insights, and create meaning.

    Journaling Prompts for Navigating the Transition into Motherhood

    Each of these prompts is designed to help you honor your past self, sit with your emotions, and fully step into your new role.

    1. Separation: Letting Go of the Maiden

    The maiden phase represents freedom, self-exploration, and independence. The transition into motherhood often involves grieving parts of this identity. These prompts help you process this shift:

    • What parts of my old life do I grieve the most?
    • How have my priorities shifted since becoming a mother?
    • What fears do I have about losing myself in motherhood?
    • How do I feel when I see other women without children living freely?
    • What expectations about motherhood have I had to let go of?
    • How can I honor my past self while still embracing my future?
    • What does my maiden self need to hear from me?

    2. Liminal Phase: The In-Between

    This is the messy middle—the place of transformation where the old self has dissolved, but the new self has not fully emerged. This phase often stirs uncertainty, raw emotions, and childhood wounds.

    • What emotions come up when I slow down and sit in stillness?
    • How do I fill my time to avoid facing uncomfortable feelings?
    • What childhood wounds are resurfacing as I navigate motherhood?
    • How do I react when my child expresses emotions I was never allowed to express?
    • In what ways has my inner child been reawakened?
    • What patterns from my own upbringing am I unconsciously repeating?
    • If I could speak to my future, wiser self, what advice would she give me?

    3. Incorporation: Embracing the Mother Archetype

    In this phase, you begin to integrate your new identity as a mother. You may still feel moments of loss, but a deeper sense of purpose, strength, and intuition is emerging. These prompts help you embrace this transformation:

    • What kind of mother do I truly want to be?
    • What strengths have I gained that I didn’t have before?
    • How can I create space to nurture myself while nurturing others?
    • What aspects of motherhood bring me the most joy?
    • How can I reconnect with my intuition and trust myself more?
    • What small daily ritual can I create to honor this transition?
    • If I fully embraced the mother archetype, what would change in my life?

    4. Additional Prompts for Deeper Reflection

    These prompts dive even deeper into self-discovery, healing, and personal growth.

    • How do I feel when I hear the phrase “good mother”?
    • What is the biggest lesson motherhood is teaching me right now?
    • In what moments do I feel most connected to my child?
    • What unmet needs from my childhood am I now aware of?
    • What is my relationship with rest and slowing down?
    • How do I talk to myself on difficult motherhood days?
    • What small act of self-care would make me feel supported today?
    • What does wholeness in motherhood mean to me?
    • If my child could describe me in three words, what would I want them to say?

    How to Use These Prompts

    • Write freely—let your thoughts flow without judgment.
    • Revisit prompts that bring up strong emotions, as they may hold deeper insight.
    • Use voice notes or typed reflections if writing by hand feels overwhelming.
    • Incorporate rituals (like tea, candles, or quiet time) to create a sacred journaling space.

    Free Download: Your Journaling Companion

    To make your journaling journey easier, I’ve created a PDF version of these prompts in soft, grounding colors. You can print it out or keep it on your phone for daily reflection.

    → Download the Maiden to Mother Journaling Prompts PDF

    Download PDF for free

    Final Thoughts

    The transition from maiden to mother is not something you simply get through—it is a profound metamorphosis. It is an unraveling, a reshaping, a homecoming to a deeper version of yourself. Through reflection and intentionality, you can navigate this passage with more grace, awareness, and self-compassion.

    Which prompt resonated with you the most? Have you experienced moments of identity shift in motherhood? Share your reflections in the comments—I’d love to hear from you!

    Q&A: Common Struggles in the Maiden-to-Mother Transition

    1. What if I don’t feel like a mother yet?

    It’s normal. The shift is gradual, and part of you may still feel like the Maiden, resisting full transformation. Journaling and rituals can help you soften into this new identity.

    2. Why does motherhood bring up so many childhood wounds?

    Our children mirror back our own unmet needs. When we struggle with connection, boundaries, or emotional availability, it’s often linked to our earliest experiences with attachment.

    3. I feel overwhelmed and disconnected from myself. What can I do?

    Try writing a \”self-connection\” letter: If you could speak to your deepest self, what would you say? What does she need? This helps bridge the disconnection.

    4. How can I stop over-scheduling and truly connect with my child?

    Ask yourself:

    • \”Am I doing this to create memories or avoid emotions?\”
    • \”Do I feel uncomfortable when there’s nothing planned?\”
      If the answer is yes, experiment with pausing, even for small moments, to sit in stillness with your child.

    5. I feel like I’ve lost my individuality. How can I balance motherhood and selfhood?

    Journaling helps, but so does creating space—even in small ways. What’s one 5-minute ritual that connects you to yourself?

    6. What if I don’t like who I’m becoming?

    Growth is uncomfortable. But within discomfort lies transformation. Write down three things you admire about yourself as a mother.

    7. Can I still keep parts of my Maiden self alive?

    Yes! The Maiden never truly disappears—she evolves. What Maiden traits (creativity, adventure, spontaneity) can you bring into motherhood in a way that feels nourishing?

    Prepared for a deeper exploration of the maiden to mother transition?Check out the following guide.

    Looking for a transformational book? See why Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood is an excellent choice.

  • Leaning into the Mother Archetype: Healing CEN and CPTSD Patterns of Avoidance

    Content

    1. Introduction – The hidden struggle of embracing motherhood when CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect) or CPTSD is present.
    2. Why It Happens – Psychological roots (attachment wounds, fear of intimacy, avoidance coping).
    3. How It Manifests – Over-scheduling, perfectionism, emotional distance disguised as busyness.
    4. Breaking the Cycle – Awareness, nervous system regulation, mindful connection.
    5. Practical Steps – Gentle strategies to reconnect with our children (without overwhelming guilt).
    6. FAQs & Common Fears – Addressing doubts, resistance, and self-compassion.

    Introduction: The Hidden Struggle to Fully Step Into Motherhood

    Motherhood calls for deep presence, but when we carry unprocessed childhood wounds, that presence can feel threatening. Instead of feeling at home in the nurturing role, we may find ourselves filling the days with tasks, routines, and distractions—anything to keep from truly meeting our child’s emotional world (and our own).

    For many with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) or Complex PTSD (CPTSD), mothering stirs up old attachment wounds. The archetype of \”mother\” may feel foreign, unfamiliar, or even unsafe. Not because we don’t love our children, but because deep emotional connection is something we were never modeled.

    But healing is possible. Recognizing the pattern is the first step toward breaking it.

    Why It Happens: The Psychological Roots of Avoidance in Motherhood

    1. The Attachment Connection

    If we grew up with emotionally unavailable caregivers, we learned that connection wasn’t safe or predictable. This creates:

    • Avoidant attachment (keeping emotional distance to prevent pain).
    • Anxious attachment (seeking closeness but fearing rejection).
    • Disorganized attachment (fluctuating between the two, feeling overwhelmed).

    ➡️ When we become mothers, these patterns re-emerge. Real intimacy with our children can feel both deeply wanted and subtly threatening.

    2. The Nervous System Response: Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn

    CPTSD shapes how we regulate stress:

    • Flight response → Over-scheduling, filling the day with activities, staying constantly \”productive.\”
    • Freeze response → Feeling emotionally shut down, exhausted, or numb in parenting moments.
    • Fawn response → Over-giving, saying yes to everything to avoid inner discomfort.

    ➡️ We may not realize we\’re \”fleeing\” real connection—because busyness feels productive, even responsible.

    3. The Fear of Being Fully Seen

    Being emotionally present with a child means being seen in our most vulnerable state—without distractions, achievements, or roles to hide behind. If we weren’t nurtured this way as children, this level of openness can feel unbearable.

    ➡️ The subconscious belief: “If I slow down and just be with my child, what painful feelings will come up?”

    How This Manifests: Over-Scheduling as a Coping Mechanism

    If we don’t feel emotionally safe in deep connection, we may unconsciously:

    • Fill the calendar with activities, playdates, and outings to avoid stillness.
    • Hyper-focus on tasks (cleaning, organizing, meal planning) instead of presence.
    • Prioritize \”structured\” interactions (teaching, guiding, correcting) over open-ended play and emotional attunement.
    • Feel overwhelmed or irritated when our child needs comfort, slowness, or co-regulation.

    ➡️ The cycle: The more we stay busy, the more distant we feel—reinforcing guilt, disconnection, and stress.

    Breaking the Cycle: Awareness and Nervous System Regulation

    1. Naming the Pattern Without Shame

    Recognizing this dynamic without self-blame is key. This is not about “bad parenting” but about unconscious survival strategies that can be gently unlearned.

    ➡️ Try this reflection:
    \”What happens in my body when I imagine sitting with my child with no agenda—just presence? Do I feel discomfort, restlessness, or numbness?\”

    2. Learning to Sit With Stillness

    Start with tiny moments of presence:

    • 5 minutes of fully attuned eye contact while playing.
    • One bedtime where you simply sit beside them without rushing.
    • Noticing the impulse to “fill time” and pausing before acting on it.

    ➡️ Healing connection is built in micro-moments, not grand gestures.

    3. Nervous System Regulation for Co-Regulation

    To connect with our children, we must first feel safe in our own bodies. Try:

    • Breathwork: Lengthening exhales to downregulate stress.
    • Grounding: Placing a hand on your heart when feeling distant.
    • Somatic release: Shaking out tension, stretching, or tapping before engaging.

    ➡️ When our system feels safe, presence stops feeling like a threat.

    4. Reparenting Ourselves as We Parent

    If we never received warm, attuned mothering, it\’s hard to give what we didn’t get. But we can reparent ourselves along the way:

    • Offering ourselves the same words of comfort we offer our children.
    • Holding space for our own emotions with self-compassion.
    • Recognizing that every act of slowing down is a form of healing, not just for our children, but for our inner child too.

    Practical Steps: Gentle Ways to Build True Connection

    1. The \”5-Minute Experiment\” – Set a timer and commit to 5 minutes of undistracted, agenda-free play. Notice what emotions come up.
    2. The \”Pause Before Yes\” Practice – Before agreeing to another activity, ask: \”Is this truly for my child, or am I avoiding something?\”
    3. Mirror and Name Emotions – Practice naming your child’s feelings (\”You’re frustrated\”) while also acknowledging your own (\”I feel restless\”).
    4. Schedule Downtime as Sacred – Block out time for nothingness—no plans, just being.
    5. Self-Soothing Before Soothing – When your child is upset, take one deep breath before responding. This models calm regulation.

    FAQs: Common Fears and Blocks

    1. “What if I don’t feel emotionally close to my child?”

    Closeness isn’t just a feeling—it’s a practice. Start with physical proximity, eye contact, and play before expecting deep emotions to arise.

    2. “I feel guilty for avoiding connection. How do I forgive myself?”

    Your brain and body learned these patterns for survival. You’re not failing—you’re healing. Guilt is a sign you care, not a sign you’re failing.

    3. “How do I stop over-scheduling when I genuinely want my child to have opportunities?”

    Structure is great—but ask: \”Is this for their joy, or my avoidance?\” Allow pockets of unstructured time to exist.

    4. “What if presence feels overwhelming?”

    Start small. One moment at a time. Healing attachment wounds isn’t instant, but every micro-moment of connection rewires the nervous system.

    Share your thoughts!

    Does any of this resonate with you? Have you noticed over-scheduling creeping into your life as a parent? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments. Let’s support each other on this journey toward deeper, more authentic connection.

  • Healing Your Relationship with Food: Understanding Emotional Eating and Building New Habits

    Introduction: The Struggle with Food and CEN

    If you’ve ever found yourself skipping meals, relying on junk food, or simply not having the energy to nourish yourself properly, you’re not alone. Many people who have experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) struggle with poor eating habits, often without realizing how deeply their emotional history influences their relationship with food.

    Eating can sometimes feel like a chore, or worse, an emotional burden. Perhaps you eat only when you\’re absolutely starving, or maybe you avoid food altogether. These patterns are not about lack of willpower—they’re a response to deep-rooted emotional neglect. Healing this connection is crucial to restoring your sense of self-worth and your physical well-being.

    In this article, we’ll explore the connection between CEN and poor eating habits, identify potential \”errors\” in your current eating patterns, and provide compassionate guidance to help you begin healing your relationship with food. Along with that, we’ll share practical resources, including books and plant-based recipe channels, to guide your journey towards nurturing your body and soul.

    Signs of Emotional Eating and Unhealthy Habits

    Understanding that your eating habits might be influenced by emotional neglect is the first step toward healing. Below are common signs of poor eating habits:

    1. Skipping Meals or Eating Bare Minimum
      You might often skip meals or fail to prioritize eating. You may not realize it, but this is your body’s way of coping with emotional disconnection or feeling unworthy of care.
    2. Turning to Junk Food for Comfort
      Junk food may be your go-to choice, not because you enjoy it but because it offers a temporary emotional high. The sugar and fat content provide a quick dopamine boost, but this relief is fleeting and leaves you feeling worse in the long run.
    3. Eating Without Pleasure
      Eating might feel like a chore instead of something to enjoy. You may not even notice how you feel after eating—perhaps you\’re numb or disconnected from the experience.
    4. Emotional Eating or Eating to Avoid Feelings
      Emotional triggers, such as stress or sadness, may prompt you to eat, even when you\’re not physically hungry. Eating becomes a way to distract yourself from painful emotions that you’ve been taught to suppress.
    5. Lack of Connection to Food Choices
      You might not think twice about what you’re putting into your body. Perhaps you don\’t have the energy to plan meals, or you feel overwhelmed by making choices, opting for whatever is quickest and easiest.

    Understanding the Root Causes: Emotional Neglect and Disconnection from Your Body

    These patterns of emotional eating are often rooted in CEN. Childhood emotional neglect can create an environment where you were not taught to listen to your body’s needs. If your emotional needs weren’t met as a child, you may struggle to identify hunger cues or feel worthy of self-care. Over time, this lack of connection to your emotional and physical needs can manifest in disordered eating habits.

    In addition to emotional neglect, low self-worth and difficulties with self-compassion often play a role. The belief that you are undeserving of nurturing yourself may underlie your food-related struggles. In these moments, it’s important to be gentle with yourself and acknowledge that these habits developed as a means of survival, not because you are failing.

    Healing Your Relationship with Food: A Path to Self-Nurturing

    Healing from CEN requires a multi-faceted approach that reconnects you with your body’s natural signals and restores your emotional well-being. Below are some key steps to start your healing journey:

    1. Learn to Listen to Your Body
      Start by slowing down and paying attention to how food makes you feel. Are you eating because you’re physically hungry or because you’re emotionally triggered? Learning to tune into your body’s signals will help you reconnect with your physical needs.
    2. Practice Mindful Eating
      Mindful eating encourages you to savor your meals without distractions. Take time to appreciate the textures, colors, and flavors of the food you eat. This practice not only supports digestion but also helps you feel more grounded and emotionally connected.
    3. Nourish Yourself with Whole, Plant-Based Foods
      Plant-based eating is not just good for the body; it’s also a compassionate way to nurture your soul. Whole foods—such as fruits, vegetables, grains, and legumes—provide essential nutrients, help balance your mood, and can give you the energy you need to take better care of yourself.
    4. Shift from Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion
      It’s important to be kind to yourself. Emotional eating habits didn’t develop overnight, and they won’t be healed instantly. Start with small changes and celebrate every step forward, even if it’s as simple as taking a moment to enjoy your next meal or choosing a healthy snack.

    Helpful Books for Healing Your Relationship with Food

    1. \”The Emotional Eating Workbook\” by Karen R. Koenig
      This workbook offers practical tools to help you break the cycle of emotional eating. It provides exercises and strategies to help you understand the emotional triggers behind your eating habits and guide you toward a more nurturing relationship with food.
    2. \”Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program That Works\” by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch
      This classic book focuses on the practice of intuitive eating, teaching you to listen to your body\’s signals rather than following restrictive diets. It helps you rebuild trust with your body and feel empowered to make food choices that support your overall well-being.

    Recipe Channels to Support Your Healing Journey

    1. Pick Up Limes
      Sadia’s channel offers a variety of plant-based recipes that are both nourishing and easy to prepare. From nutrient-packed salads to comforting stews, Pick Up Limes teaches you how to nourish your body with whole foods that are kind to your soul.
      Channel link: Pick Up Limes on YouTube
    2. The Whole Food Plant-Based Cooking Show
      This channel is all about preparing wholesome, plant-based meals that fuel your body without compromising on taste. It’s perfect for anyone looking to create delicious and healthy meals with simple ingredients.
      Channel link: The Whole Food Plant-Based Cooking Show

    Other Resources for Healing and Self-Compassion

    1. Mindful Eating with Dr. Susan Albers
      Dr. Albers offers mindfulness strategies that help you build a healthier relationship with food. Her techniques can help you become more aware of emotional eating triggers and cultivate a mindful approach to nourishment.
      Channel link: Mindful Eating with Dr. Susan Albers
    2. Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff
      Kristin Neff’s website offers free guided meditations and exercises that focus on building self-compassion. These resources are essential in the healing process, especially for those who struggle with feelings of unworthiness related to their eating habits.
      Website link: Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff

    Practical Tips for Overcoming Specific Barriers:

    Barrier 1: Lack of Time
    If you feel like there’s never enough time to cook nourishing meals, start small. A simple way to make time for healthy eating is to batch cook or meal prep at the start of the week. Prepare a few key ingredients (e.g., quinoa, roasted vegetables, grains) and store them in the fridge. This way, you can assemble quick meals throughout the week without the pressure of cooking from scratch every day.

    Quick Meal Ideas for Busy Days:

    • Veggie and Hummus Wraps: Use whole grain wraps, fresh veggies, and a scoop of hummus for a nutrient-packed lunch.
    • One-Pan Roasted Veggies with a Grain: Toss your favorite veggies with olive oil, salt, pepper, and herbs, then roast them with cooked quinoa or rice.
    • Smoothie Bowls: Blend frozen fruit, spinach, almond milk, and a protein source like chia seeds. Top with nuts, granola, or coconut.

    Barrier 2: Emotional Triggers
    If you find that emotions like stress, loneliness, or sadness lead to unhealthy eating habits, try practicing emotional awareness. The next time you feel an emotional trigger, pause and ask yourself, “Am I truly hungry, or am I trying to soothe something else?” Creating space for this reflection allows you to become more mindful about food choices and seek healthier coping mechanisms, like meditation, walking, or journaling.

    Barrier 3: Overwhelm in Food Decisions
    If choosing what to eat feels overwhelming, simplify by creating a basic meal template. Think of it like a guide to help you make easy, nutritious choices without stressing over what to cook each time.

    • Grain: Quinoa, brown rice, oats
    • Protein: Lentils, beans, chickpeas, tofu, nuts
    • Veggies: Leafy greens, carrots, zucchini, onions
    • Healthy Fats: Avocado, olive oil, nuts, seeds

    Mindful Eating Prompts:

    A wonderful way to cultivate a more loving and balanced relationship with food is to introduce mindful eating. Here are some prompts you can use before, during, and after eating to encourage mindfulness:

    Before Eating:

    • “Am I physically hungry or emotionally hungry?”
    • “How does my body feel right now? Am I tense, relaxed, tired?”
    • “What do I want to eat? How do I want to feel after eating?”

    During Eating:

    • “How does each bite taste? What flavors and textures do I notice?”
    • “How does my body feel as I eat this? Am I satisfied?”
    • “What am I feeling emotionally while eating this food?”

    After Eating:

    • “How do I feel now? Is there still hunger, or have I been nourished?”
    • “What emotions did I experience during the meal?”
    • “Is there anything I need in this moment—more food, rest, comfort?”

    Incorporating Seasonal Foods:

    Eating seasonally is a wonderful way to reconnect with nature and nourish both your body and spirit. As we move into spring, it’s the perfect time to begin incorporating fresh greens and lighter meals that bring energy and renewal.

    Spring Seasonal Foods to Incorporate:

    • Leafy Greens: Arugula, spinach, dandelion greens, and kale are bursting with vitamins and minerals that support the body’s detoxifying processes.
    • Asparagus: Known for its role in kidney health, it’s a great seasonal vegetable for boosting energy and digestion.
    • Radishes: With their sharp, refreshing taste, radishes help to stimulate digestion and cleanse the liver.
    • Herbs: Dill, parsley, cilantro, and mint can be used in fresh salads, smoothies, and teas, promoting detoxification and vitality.

    Incorporating these ingredients into your meals can add brightness and health benefits, helping you feel more aligned with the season.

    Looking for seasonal recipes? Check out my favourite ones here.

    Tracking Progress:

    One of the most supportive things you can do on your healing journey is to track your progress. Not just what you eat, but also how you feel about food, how your body responds, and the emotional shifts you may experience.

    Suggestions for Tracking:

    • Create a Simple Food Journal: In addition to writing down what you eat, record how you feel before and after meals. Do you feel energized, heavy, or calm? This journal can help you discover patterns.
    • Emotional Eating Reflection: Note moments when you eat out of emotional hunger. Write down what you were feeling at that time (e.g., stress, sadness) and consider healthier ways to cope with those emotions.
    • Celebrate Small Wins: Tracking doesn’t just have to be about noting challenges. Write about any positive shifts—whether it’s choosing a nourishing meal or noticing that your cravings are becoming less frequent.

    Conclusion: A Journey of Reconnection and Healing

    Healing your relationship with food is a process that takes time, self-compassion, and patience. Through the combination of mindful eating practices, nourishing plant-based foods, and self-compassion, you can begin to rebuild the emotional connection to your body that may have been lost due to emotional neglect. Remember: healing is not about perfection but about small, meaningful steps that lead you toward greater balance, well-being, and connection with yourself.

    As you explore these resources and experiment with the suggested practices, be gentle with yourself. Healing from emotional eating, especially when it’s tied to childhood neglect, takes time. Trust that with each step you take toward nourishing yourself, you’re creating a life that is more grounded in self-care and emotional fulfillment.

    You are worthy of this journey, and every step you take is a powerful act of healing. Begin where you are, and remember: you are not alone.

    Have you experienced challenges with emotional eating or connecting to your body’s needs? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Leave a comment below and share your journey—together, we can support each other in healing and reclaiming a nurturing relationship with food.