Healing the Void: From CEN to Wholeness, A Psychological and Seasonal Journey

Category: Mindfulness and Journaling

  • Restorative Yoga for Deep Healing: How to Use Stillness to Rewire Your Nervous System

    1. Introduction: More Than Just Relaxation

    Restorative yoga often gets dismissed as “just lying around.” If you’ve ever tried it and felt restless, impatient, or even uncomfortable in the stillness, you’re not alone. Many people associate yoga with movement, effort, and flexibility—but restorative yoga is different.

    This practice is designed for deep healing. It’s not about stretching or strength; it’s about resetting your nervous system. In a world where stress and overstimulation are the norm, restorative yoga offers something rare: a space for true stillness, where both the body and mind can unwind, process, and heal.

    Yet, for some people, slowing down can feel surprisingly difficult. If you find yourself resisting rest or feeling guilty when you take time for yourself, there may be deeper emotional patterns at play. Many people with childhood emotional neglect (CEN), chronic stress, or unresolved trauma struggle with stillness because their nervous system is stuck in a state of high alert.

    In this guide, we’ll explore how restorative yoga can help you:
    ✅ Shift from stress mode (fight-or-flight) to healing mode (parasympathetic state)
    ✅ Release stored tension and unprocessed emotions in the body
    ✅ Work with resistance to stillness (instead of forcing relaxation)
    ✅ Integrate restorative yoga into daily life—even if you feel too busy

    If you’ve ever felt like you’re always “on,” struggling to relax, or guilty for taking time to rest, this article is for you.

    2. The Science Behind Restorative Yoga: How Stillness Heals the Nervous System

    Restorative yoga isn’t just about relaxation—it’s a powerful tool for nervous system regulation. Unlike active yoga styles that build strength and flexibility, restorative yoga uses prolonged, fully supported postures to trigger the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS)—the body’s rest-and-digest mode.

    How Restorative Yoga Affects the Nervous System

    1. Activates the Parasympathetic Nervous System
      • When we experience chronic stress or unresolved trauma, the sympathetic nervous system (fight-or-flight response) can become overactive. This leads to constant tension, anxiety, and difficulty relaxing.
      • Research shows that long-held, supported postures in restorative yoga activate the vagus nerve, which helps lower heart rate, reduce cortisol (the stress hormone), and calm the body’s alarm system (Streeter et al., 2012).
    2. Balances the Brain’s Stress Response
      • A study published in the journal Psychoneuroendocrinology found that yoga (including restorative practices) reduces activity in the amygdala—the brain’s fear center—helping people feel less reactive to stress (Pascoe et al., 2017).
    3. Regulates the Breath to Reduce Anxiety
      • Slow, deep breathing during restorative yoga triggers the baroreflex, a mechanism that lowers blood pressure and promotes a state of calm (Zaccaro et al., 2018).
      • One study found that practicing restorative yoga for eight weeks significantly reduced symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder (Khalsa et al., 2015).
    4. Releases Stored Tension and Trauma in the Body
      • According to the polyvagal theory (Porges, 2011), trauma and chronic stress can keep the body stuck in fight-or-flight (hyperarousal) or freeze (shutdown).
      • Restorative yoga helps discharge this stored stress by giving the body a safe environment to fully relax, signaling that it’s okay to let go of tension.
    5. Improves Sleep and Energy Levels
      • A randomized controlled trial found that practicing restorative yoga improved sleep quality in people with insomnia (Manjunath & Telles, 2005).
      • Another study on cancer survivors showed that restorative yoga helped reduce fatigue and improved overall well-being (Bower et al., 2011).

    Why Some People Resist Stillness

    Despite these benefits, many people struggle with restorative yoga—especially if they:

    • Feel guilty resting (e.g., CEN survivors who learned their needs weren’t important)
    • Have a hyperactive nervous system that makes stillness feel unsafe
    • Associate relaxation with vulnerability (common in trauma survivors)

    If you’ve ever felt restless, impatient, or even anxious during restorative yoga, you’re not alone. Your body may not be used to deep relaxation, and it can take time to retrain your nervous system. The key is to approach the practice with compassion, rather than forcing relaxation.

    3. How to Start a Restorative Yoga Practice That Works for You

    Restorative yoga isn’t about flexibility or effort—it’s about allowing your body to rest deeply. But to truly benefit, your practice needs to feel safe, supportive, and personalized. Here’s how to start in a way that meets your needs.

    1. Create a Safe and Supportive Space

    Since restorative yoga is about deep relaxation, your environment matters. A few small adjustments can make a big difference:

    • Dim the lights or use candles to signal to your nervous system that it’s time to unwind.
    • Use blankets and pillows to make poses feel effortless (discomfort defeats the purpose).
    • Choose calming music or silence—whatever helps you feel at ease.
    • Practice in a warm room to prevent tension from creeping in due to cold.

    Tip: If you feel restless in stillness, try starting with gentle movement (like shaking out your limbs or doing slow cat-cow stretches) before settling into a pose.

    2. Choose the Right Poses for Your Needs

    Different restorative poses support different aspects of nervous system regulation. Here are some options based on what you need most:

    For Overwhelm & Anxiety → Supported Child’s Pose

    • Why? This pose creates a sense of safety by gently compressing the front of the body.
    • How? Kneel with a pillow or bolster under your chest, arms resting forward or by your sides.

    For Emotional Release → Reclined Butterfly Pose

    • Why? Opening the hips can release stored tension and emotions.
    • How? Lie on your back with the soles of your feet together, knees falling open, supported by pillows.

    For Chronic Stress → Legs Up the Wall

    • Why? This pose helps reset the nervous system by improving circulation and calming the mind.
    • How? Lie on your back with your legs resting against a wall, arms relaxed by your sides.

    For Exhaustion → Supported Savasana (Final Resting Pose)

    • Why? Total stillness allows the body to recharge deeply.
    • How? Lie down with a bolster under your knees and a blanket over you, arms relaxed.

    Tip: Hold each pose for 5-20 minutes to let your body fully shift into relaxation mode.

    3. Add Breathwork for Deeper Relaxation

    If stillness alone feels challenging, adding simple breathwork can help calm your mind faster:

    • 4-7-8 Breathing (Inhale for 4, hold for 7, exhale for 8) → Helps quiet anxiety.
    • Humming Breath (Exhale with a soft hum) → Activates the vagus nerve.
    • Extended Exhale Breathing (Make exhalation longer than inhalation) → Signals safety to the body.

    Tip: If breathwork feels overwhelming, simply focus on slow, natural breathing and allow your breath to settle on its own.

    4. Make Restorative Yoga a Sustainable Habit

    Consistency is key, but it’s important to tailor the practice to your life:

    • Start small: Just one pose a day for 5 minutes can make a difference.
    • Tie it to another habit: Try doing a pose before bed or after journaling.
    • Listen to your body: Some days you might need more movement before settling into stillness.

    Reminder: Rest is productive. The more you allow your body to recover, the more energy and clarity you’ll have for everything else in life.

    4. The Best Free Resources for Deepening Your Restorative Yoga Practice

    Restorative yoga is simple in theory, but having guided support can make your practice more effective and fulfilling. Whether you prefer video lessons, books, or printable guides, here are some of the best free and accessible ways to enhance your practice.

    1. Free Video Resources for Guided Restorative Yoga

    Soulsaol Holistics: A Gentle & Trauma-Aware Approach

    If you\’re looking for deeply soothing, mindful, and body-friendly yoga practices, the Soulsaol Holistics YouTube channel is a must-visit. Their videos focus on:

    • Restorative and somatic yoga for deep nervous system healing
    • Guided breathwork and meditation to enhance relaxation
    • Mindful movement practices for emotional release and grounding

    Recommended Videos (not sponsored):

    Many yoga videos focus on poses but not the nervous system shift that makes restorative yoga effective. Soulsaol Holistics stands out by guiding you into true relaxation and embodiment.

    Other Great Free Yoga Channels for Restorative Practice

    If you\’re looking for more variety, these YouTube channels also offer high-quality restorative yoga classes:

    • Yoga with Adriene – Gentle, beginner-friendly restorative sequences
    • The Mindful Movement – Yoga for relaxation, stress relief, and deep rest
    • Brett Larkin Yoga – Slow, mindful yoga for stress and emotional healing

    Tip: Create a personal playlist with your favorite free videos to make it easier to return to your practice.

    2. Best Books on Restorative Yoga & Nervous System Healing

    If you love deeper learning, these books blend restorative yoga with neuroscience, trauma healing, and nervous system regulation:

    • \”The Relaxation Revolution\” – Herbert Benson, MD
      How deep relaxation transforms stress into healing on a physiological level.
    • \”Restorative Yoga for Ethnic and Race-Based Stress and Trauma\” – Gail Parker
      Restorative yoga through the lens of emotional healing and social stressors.
    • \”The Nervous System Recovery Guide\” – Deb Dana
      Blending polyvagal theory with body-based practices like yoga.

    Bonus: Some books include guided pose sequences, making them great for self-led practice.

    3. Printable Guides & Journals for Integrating Restorative Yoga

    Using printable guides or journaling alongside your practice can deepen self-awareness and help track changes in how you feel over time. Some useful types of resources include:

    • Pose sequence guides to help structure a home practice
    • Journals with self-reflection prompts for tracking your nervous system shifts
    • Printable breathwork techniques to enhance relaxation

    If you’d like a structured way to integrate restorative yoga, I’ve created a free downloadable guide to support you!

    📌 Get Your Free Guide: \”Finding Stillness – A Restorative Yoga Resource\”

    To help you integrate restorative yoga into your life, I’ve created a free downloadable guide that includes:

    ✅ Pose sequences for different needs (stress, fatigue, emotional release)
    ✅ Journaling prompts to track your experience & deepen self-reflection
    ✅ Breathwork techniques to enhance relaxation
    ✅ Additional free video recommendations

    📥 Download Here

    Building a Sustainable Restorative Yoga Practice

    For many people, starting a restorative yoga practice is easy—the challenge is maintaining it. Life gets busy, rest can feel unproductive, and stillness can bring discomfort. Here’s how to build a sustainable practice, no matter your obstacles.

    1. If You Struggle to Find Time: Keep It Short & Stack It

    • Start with just 5 minutes—even one pose before bed or during a break can be effective.
    • Stack restorative yoga with existing routines:
      • Before sleep – Try a supported reclined pose after brushing your teeth.
      • After work – Wind down with a pose while listening to calming music.
      • During screen time – Prop yourself in a restorative pose while watching TV.

    Consistency is more powerful than length. A little every day is better than a long session once a month.

    2. If You Struggle with Stillness: Engage the Senses

    • If stillness makes you restless, add soothing sensory elements:
      • A weighted blanket or eye pillow to provide grounding.
      • A warm herbal tea beforehand to create a transition into rest.
      • Calming scents like lavender or sandalwood to associate relaxation with a pleasant aroma.
    • Try restorative yoga with soft movement—start with gentle rocking or side-to-side sways before settling into a pose.

    3. If You Feel Guilty About Prioritizing Self-Care: Reframe It

    • Understand that rest is productive—it improves focus, emotional regulation, and resilience.
    • Remember that restorative yoga helps others too—when you are regulated, you parent, work, and relate better.
    • View it as an act of self-compassion rather than a luxury. Even 5-10 minutes of deep rest can reset your nervous system, making everything else easier.

    4. If You Keep Forgetting or Losing Motivation: Make It Visible & Enjoyable

    • Leave props (a bolster, blanket, or yoga mat) in plain sight as a reminder.
    • Create a ritual around it—a favorite playlist, dim lighting, or a comforting scent.
    • Keep it pleasant, not forced—restorative yoga should never feel like another task on your to-do list.

    Final Thoughts: Rest as a Radical Act

    Restorative yoga isn’t about perfect poses—it’s about creating space for deep rest in a world that often discourages it. Whether you practice once a week or every night, every moment of stillness is a step toward healing.

    Would you like recommendations for guided videos to help you get started? Check out Soulsaol Holistics on YouTube, where you’ll find a variety of free sessions designed for real life.

    Feeling restless when trying to relax? Explore: Why You Feel Restless When Trying to Relax and How to Stop It (+free PDF)

    References

    • Bower, J. E., Garet, D., Sternlieb, B., Ganz, P. A., Irwin, M. R., Olmstead, R., & Cole, S. W. (2011). Yoga for persistent fatigue in breast cancer survivors: A randomized controlled trial. Cancer, 117(5), 1026-1034. https://doi.org/10.1002/cncr.25607
    • Khalsa, S. B. S., Cohen, L., McCall, T., & Telles, S. (2015). Principles and practice of yoga in health care. Handspring Publishing.
    • Manjunath, N. K., & Telles, S. (2005). Influence of yoga and Ayurveda on self-rated sleep in a geriatric population. Indian Journal of Medical Research, 121(5), 683-690.
    • Pascoe, M. C., Thompson, D. R., Jenkins, Z. M., & Ski, C. F. (2017). Yoga, mindfulness-based stress reduction, and stress-related physiological measures: A meta-analysis. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 86, 152-168. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2017.08.008
    • Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
    • Streeter, C. C., Gerbarg, P. L., Saper, R. B., Ciraulo, D. A., & Brown, R. P. (2012). Effects of yoga on the autonomic nervous system, gamma-aminobutyric-acid, and allostasis in epilepsy, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder. Medical Hypotheses, 78(5), 571-579. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.mehy.2012.01.021
    • Zaccaro, A., Piarulli, A., Laurino, M., Garbella, E., Menicucci, D., Neri, B., & Gemignani, A. (2018). How breath-control can change your life: A systematic review on psychophysiological correlates of slow breathing. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 12, 353. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2018.00353

  • Tarot for Shadow Work: The Symbolic Power of Tarot in Psychology & Myth (Part 5 of 6) + free PDF

    Introduction: Tarot as a Mirror of the Psyche

    Have you ever pulled a tarot card that felt eerily personal—like it was reflecting a hidden truth you hadn’t put into words yet? Tarot, at its core, is not about predicting the future. It’s a mirror for the unconscious, a tool that reveals the patterns, fears, and desires shaping our inner world.

    Carl Jung, one of the most influential psychologists of the 20th century, believed that the unconscious communicates through symbols and archetypes—the very essence of tarot. When we engage with the imagery and structure of the cards, we’re not just reading a deck; we’re reading ourselves.

    But how does this work? And why do certain images resonate so deeply?

    This article explores:

    • Tarot and Jung’s concept of the Shadow: How the cards can help us integrate suppressed aspects of ourselves.
    • The psychology of symbols and myths: Why tarot reflects universal human experiences.
    • IFS (Internal Family Systems) and Tarot: How different tarot figures represent the “parts” within us.
    • Scientific support for tarot as a tool for self-reflection: Journaling, storytelling, and the therapeutic power of imagery.
    • Practical exercises for using tarot to explore your personal myth and shadow.

    By the end, you’ll have a deeper understanding of tarot’s psychological power and practical ways to use it for healing.

    Jung’s Shadow Theory & Tarot as a Tool for Integration

    Carl Jung famously said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”This is the essence of shadow work—bringing awareness to the hidden parts of ourselves that influence our thoughts, behaviors, and emotional reactions.

    What Is the Shadow?

    Jung’s Shadow refers to the aspects of ourselves that we repress, deny, or disown. These can include:

    • Traits we were shamed for as children (e.g., sensitivity, ambition, anger).
    • Unconscious fears (e.g., fear of rejection, fear of failure).
    • Hidden strengths that we avoid embracing due to social conditioning.

    These parts don’t disappear; they operate beneath the surface, influencing our choices and reactions. Shadow work is about integrating them—not eliminating them—so that we can live with greater self-awareness and wholeness.

    How Tarot Helps Reveal the Shadow

    Tarot acts as a visual language for the unconscious, bringing Shadow elements to the surface. When we pull a card that triggers discomfort, it often represents a part of ourselves we have avoided.

    Example:

    • If you resist The Emperor, you might struggle with structure or authority—perhaps fearing control due to past experiences.
    • If The Devil makes you uneasy, it could reflect repressed desires, compulsions, or feelings of shame.
    • If you recoil at The High Priestess, you may distrust your own intuition or feel disconnected from your inner wisdom.

    Shadow work with tarot means exploring these reactions instead of dismissing them.

    Practical Exercise: A Shadow Spread

    Try this three-card spread to identify Shadow aspects:

    1. What part of myself have I rejected or repressed?
    2. How does this unintegrated part show up in my life?
    3. How can I begin to work with and accept this part of myself?

    Example Reading:
    A person struggling with self-doubt pulls:

    1. The Magician (Repressed Strength) → They have skills and knowledge but feel unworthy of using them.
    2. Five of Pentacles (How It Manifests) → They self-sabotage and feel unworthy of success.
    3. The Empress (Integration) → They need to nurture self-trust and recognize their innate value.

    By journaling on these cards, the person gains insight into their inner conflict and how to move toward self-acceptance.

    Why Symbols & Archetypes Affect Us Psychologically

    Carl Jung believed that archetypes—universal symbols and themes—reside in the collective unconscious. These recurring images appear in myths, fairy tales, and dreams across cultures, reflecting deep-seated aspects of human experience. Tarot, with its rich imagery, speaks directly to these psychological blueprints.

    How the Brain Processes Symbols

    Modern neuroscience supports Jung’s theory that symbols can bypass our rational mind and evoke deep emotional responses. Studies on visual cognition show that the brain processes images 60,000 times faster than words (Braden, 2009). This is why tarot can trigger immediate intuitive insights that verbal reasoning might take longer to uncover.

    Example:
    A person pulling The Tower may instinctively feel dread before they even analyze the card. The image of a collapsing tower taps into a primal fear of instability, revealing unconscious anxieties about change.

    Archetypes in Tarot & Their Psychological Impact

    Tarot is filled with archetypes that represent different parts of the psyche. Let’s explore a few:

    • The Fool (The Innocent & The Seeker) → Represents new beginnings, curiosity, and risk-taking. Shadow side: naivety, recklessness.
    • The High Priestess (The Intuitive & The Wise Woman) → Embodies hidden knowledge and deep intuition. Shadow side: secrecy, avoidance of action.
    • The Emperor (The Father & The Ruler) → Symbolizes structure, discipline, and authority. Shadow side: control, rigidity, fear of vulnerability.
    • The Devil (The Shadow Itself) → Represents addiction, temptation, and self-imposed limitations. Shadow side: repression, guilt, inner conflict.

    For a deeper exploration of the whole mayor arcana, return to the second article of this series: Tarot for Shadow Work: The Major Arcana as a Roadmap to Your Hidden Self (Part 2 of 6)

    Exercise:
    Pick a card you feel strongly about (positive or negative) and ask:

    • What part of me does this card reflect?
    • What emotions arise when I look at it?
    • Is this an aspect of myself I embrace or resist? Why?

    By analyzing your emotional response, you uncover hidden layers of your psyche.

    The Role of Myth in Self-Discovery: Tarot as a Personal Myth-Making Tool

    Every person lives by a personal myth—a deep, often unconscious story that shapes their identity and choices. These myths arise from childhood experiences, cultural narratives, and psychological patterns. Tarot offers a powerful way to explore and rewrite these personal myths, allowing us to step out of limiting roles and into conscious self-authorship.

    How Personal Myths Shape Our Lives

    Carl Jung believed that humans need a guiding narrative to make sense of life. If we don’t consciously craft our own story, we tend to live out inherited myths—often those shaped by childhood experiences or societal expectations.

    For example:

    • A person raised with CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect) might unconsciously live by the myth: “I must take care of others to be loved.”
    • Someone who experienced instability might hold the myth: “If I don’t control everything, everything will fall apart.”
    • A person who was overly criticized as a child might carry the myth: “I am never good enough.”

    These internalized myths drive our beliefs, behaviors, and emotional responses—until we bring them into awareness.

    Tarot as a Tool for Rewriting Your Story

    Tarot acts as a reflective surface for examining these unconscious narratives. When we lay out cards, we externalize our inner world, making it easier to identify patterns and shift perspectives.

    Exercise: Rewriting Your Personal Myth

    1. Identify Your Current Myth
      • Pull three cards to represent different aspects of your life (relationships, work, self-worth).
      • Ask: What hidden story does this spread reveal?
      • Example: The Five of Pentacles in a self-worth position might indicate a deep-seated belief in scarcity or not being enough.
    2. Explore the Root of the Myth
      • Ask: Where did this story originate?
      • Pull a card to represent your past influences (family, childhood events, cultural messages).
      • Example: The Hierophant reversed could suggest rebelling against rigid belief systems that no longer serve you.
    3. Create a New Narrative
      • Pull a final card as a guide for the new myth you want to embrace.
      • Example: The Nine of Cups could symbolize shifting from a scarcity mindset to one of gratitude and self-fulfillment.
      • Journal a new personal statement: “I am inherently worthy, and my needs matter.”

    Scientific Support for Journaling, Storytelling & Self-Reflection in Healing

    Modern psychology increasingly recognizes the power of narrative in healing and personal growth. Storytelling, whether through journaling, self-reflection, or symbolic tools like tarot, helps integrate unconscious emotions, shift limiting beliefs, and foster psychological resilience.

    Why Rewriting Personal Narratives Is Psychologically Powerful

    1. Neuroscience & the Power of Story
      • Studies show that our brains are wired for storytelling. When we recall events, we naturally place them into a narrative structure—beginning, middle, and end.
      • When we consciously rewrite our story, we shift neural pathways, allowing new perspectives to emerge.
      • Research in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) suggests that reframing a negative self-story can reduce depression and anxiety (Pennebaker & Seagal, 1999).
    2. Expressive Writing & Emotional Processing
      • Dr. James Pennebaker’s research found that writing about emotions leads to:
        • Lower stress and anxiety
        • Improved immune function
        • Better emotional clarity
      • Tarot journaling functions similarly—it allows people to externalize emotions, identify unconscious themes, and reframe limiting beliefs.
    3. Symbolism as a Tool for Self-Integration
      • Jungian psychology suggests that working with symbols (like tarot) bridges the conscious and unconscious mind, facilitating self-integration.
      • In Internal Family Systems (IFS), naming and visualizing different “parts” (or subpersonalities) helps with self-understanding and healing—a process tarot can naturally support.

    How Tarot Fits Into Modern Psychology as a Therapeutic Tool

    Tarot is not just a mystical practice—it has practical psychological benefits:

    1. A Mirror for the Unconscious Mind
      • Similar to Jung’s active imagination technique, tarot provides a way to engage with unconscious thoughts.
      • Instead of reacting emotionally to a situation, tarot allows us to step back and observe patterns.
    2. Enhancing Emotional Intelligence
      • By interpreting symbols, tarot encourages introspective thinking.
      • Regular tarot journaling can increase self-awareness, helping individuals name emotions they might otherwise suppress.
    3. A Structured Approach to Shadow Work
      • Unlike open-ended journaling, tarot provides structure, guiding individuals through specific emotional themes.
      • Using tarot in IFS therapy can help people connect with inner parts that feel neglected, criticized, or exiled.

    How Tarot Fits IFS & Archetypal Healing

    Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, views the psyche as made up of different “parts”—each with its own perspective, emotions, and motivations. Tarot naturally aligns with this approach, offering a visual and symbolic way to connect with these inner voices.

    IFS & Tarot: Mapping the Psyche Through Symbols

    In IFS, we have:

    • Exiles – Wounded or suppressed parts carrying pain from the past.
    • Managers – Protective parts that try to maintain control and prevent pain from resurfacing.
    • Firefighters – Reactive parts that use impulsive behaviors to numb distress (e.g., addiction, anger outbursts).
    • Self – The core of who we are, capable of wisdom, compassion, and healing.
    How the Tarot Suits Represent Different Parts
    • Cups (Emotions & Relationships) → Exiles
      • These cards often reveal deep emotional wounds or suppressed feelings that need attention.
      • Example: Five of Cups may symbolize grief that has been ignored.
    • Swords (Thoughts & Defense Mechanisms) → Managers
      • This suit reflects mental strategies, anxieties, and coping mechanisms that try to keep us “safe.”
      • Example: Eight of Swords represents a part that feels trapped but doesn’t see a way out.
    • Wands (Desires & Impulses) → Firefighters
      • These cards represent passionate, reactive parts that seek immediate relief from discomfort.
      • Example: Knight of Wands might indicate a part that rushes into decisions to escape emotional pain.
    • Pentacles (Stability & Grounding) → Self-energy or Wise Parts
      • This suit often represents the grounded, practical side of us that seeks long-term stability.
      • Example: Queen of Pentacles embodies the nurturing, resourceful energy that can help heal wounded parts.

    Using Tarot for IFS-Inspired Shadow Work

    A simple IFS-based tarot spread to explore your inner world:

    1. Which part of me needs attention right now? (Draw a card)
    2. How does this part try to protect me? (Draw a card)
    3. What pain or fear is this part hiding? (Draw a card)
    4. How can I offer this part support and healing? (Draw a card)

    This practice allows you to visually engage with your inner world, helping you uncover unconscious narratives and begin the integration process.

    Tarot as a Personal Myth-Making Tool

    Throughout history, humans have used myths to make sense of their experiences, struggles, and transformations. Our personal narratives—how we interpret our past, present, and future—function much like myths. They guide our identity, choices, and emotions. But sometimes, these stories are shaped by wounds, fear, or outdated beliefs, keeping us trapped in cycles of self-sabotage.

    How Tarot Can Reveal & Rewrite Your Personal Myth

    Tarot acts as a storytelling mirror, reflecting our subconscious narratives. It helps us:

    • Identify limiting beliefs (“I always fail,” “I’m unworthy of love”)
    • Recognize recurring life patterns (e.g., feeling abandoned, fearing success, struggling with self-worth)
    • Rewrite outdated self-concepts (“I am capable of growth,” “I deserve kindness,” “I can create change”)
    A Personal Myth Reading: Tarot Spread for Narrative Healing

    This 5-card spread helps uncover and rewrite the story you tell about yourself:

    1. What is the central myth I currently live by? (The overarching narrative shaping your life)
    2. Where did this myth originate? (A past experience, family dynamic, or cultural belief that shaped it)
    3. How does this myth impact me today? (Where it limits or strengthens you)
    4. What new myth do I need to embrace for healing? (A more empowering self-narrative)
    5. How can I integrate this new myth into my life? (Practical steps for embodying your new story)
    Example Reading: A Story of Unworthiness

    Let’s say a seeker draws the following cards:

    1. Current Myth: Five of Pentacles – “I am alone and undeserving.”
    2. Origin: The Emperor (Reversed) – A controlling or absent father figure may have left them feeling unsupported.
    3. Impact: Eight of Swords – The belief keeps them stuck in self-doubt, unable to see new possibilities.
    4. New Myth: The Star – “I am connected, guided, and worthy of healing.”
    5. Integration: Queen of Wands – Embodying confidence, creativity, and self-trust in daily life.

    By engaging with these archetypes, the seeker challenges an outdated narrative and actively reshapes their self-perception.

    Practical Exercises: Tarot for Self-Narrative Work

    1. Journaling with Archetypes
      • Identify a recurring theme in your life (e.g., fear of failure, people-pleasing, self-doubt).
      • Pull a tarot card and reflect: What does this archetype say about my story?
      • Ask: What role do I want this archetype to play instead?
    2. Story Reframing Ritual
      • Write your current self-narrative in one sentence.
      • Draw a tarot card to represent the story you want to tell instead.
      • Journal about how to embody this new narrative in your daily life.

    Final Thoughts: Tarot as a Tool for Deep Psychological Work

    • Tarot connects the personal and collective unconscious, allowing us to explore, question, and reshape our inner world.
    • By using tarot in shadow work, we can consciously step into a new story, one that aligns with healing, growth, and self-empowerment.

    Free guide: Tarot & Archetypes for Shadow Work

    ✨ Explore powerful tarot spreads for self-reflection
    ✨ Learn how symbols & myths shape your inner world
    ✨ Get a reading list of must-have books on tarot & psychology
    ✨ Try journaling exercises to rewrite limiting beliefs

    Ready to dive deeper? 

    Download now

    Let’s talk!

    How do you personally connect tarot to self-reflection and healing? Share your thoughts in the comments below—I’d love to hear your experiences! And if there’s a specific aspect of tarot and psychology you’d like to explore, let me know.

    Part 6: Making Tarot Shadow Work a Regular Practice

    Shadow work with tarot is powerful, but how do you make it a sustainable part of your life? In the final part of this series, we’ll explore how to create a long-term practice that evolves with you. Learn how to avoid burnout, track your insights over time, and integrate shadow work into your daily routine—so tarot becomes more than just a tool, but a lifelong guide to self-awareness and healing. 

    References

    • Jung, C. G. (1959). Aion: Researches into the Phenomenology of the Self. Princeton University Press.
    • Jung, C. G. (1964). Man and His Symbols. Doubleday.
    • Campbell, J. (1949). The Hero with a Thousand Faces. Princeton University Press.
    • Singer, J. (1972). Boundaries of the Soul: The Practice of Jung’s Psychology. Anchor Books.
    • Schwartz, R. (2021). No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model. Sounds True.
    • Pennebaker, J. W., & Smyth, J. M. (2016). Opening Up by Writing It Down: How Expressive Writing Improves Health and Eases Emotional Pain. Guilford Press.
    • McAdams, D. P. (1993). The Stories We Live By: Personal Myths and the Making of the Self. Guilford Press.

  • Tarot for Shadow Work: The Major Arcana as a Roadmap to Your Hidden Self (Part 2 of 6) + free PDF

    Introduction: Why the Major Arcana?

    If you’ve ever felt drawn to tarot for personal growth but weren’t sure how to go beyond simple readings, the Major Arcana offers a structured path. These 22 cards represent universal human experiences, making them a powerful tool for shadow work—the process of uncovering and integrating the hidden parts of yourself.

    Psychologists like Carl Jung and modern therapeutic models like Internal Family Systems (IFS) suggest that our unconscious mind holds aspects of ourselves that we reject, suppress, or misunderstand. Tarot mirrors this journey, with the Major Arcana guiding us through our fears, wounds, and transformations.

    This article will help you use the Major Arcana as a shadow work roadmap. Each section will explore:

    • How each card reflects an aspect of the shadow self
    • How it relates to psychological theories like Jungian archetypes and IFS
    • A tarot exercise or spread for personal exploration

    This is a deep dive, so take your time, reflect, and let the cards reveal what needs to be seen.

    Step 1: The First Encounters with the Shadow (The Fool to The Chariot)

    The first seven cards of the Major Arcana represent the initial stages of self-discovery. At this point, we often don’t recognize our shadow yet—but it starts to appear through challenges, fears, and inner conflicts.

    0 – The Fool: The Unconscious Self

    Shadow Themes: Naivety, denial, ignoring past wounds, resistance to self-awareness.

    The Fool begins the journey unaware of what lies beneath the surface. If we resist shadow work, we might act recklessly, avoid introspection, or convince ourselves that \”everything is fine\” even when we feel disconnected.

    🔹 IFS Connection: The Fool can represent a dissociated part—a part of you that avoids pain by staying in a state of unawareness.

    🔹 Tarot Exercise: Ask your deck: What am I blind to right now? Draw a card and journal about the answer.

    I – The Magician: Hidden Power & Shadow Control

    Shadow Themes: Manipulation, deceit, self-sabotage, fear of one’s own power.

    The Magician symbolizes personal power, but in shadow work, it reveals how we may manipulate situations—either to control others or to avoid vulnerability.

    🔹 IFS Connection: A protector part that controls situations to prevent deeper pain.

    🔹 Example:

    • A person raised in emotional neglect (CEN) might use charm or intellect to mask their emotions, afraid to be seen as weak.
    • Another might “fake confidence” to avoid dealing with self-doubt.

    🔹 Tarot Exercise: Draw a card asking, What hidden strength am I afraid to use?

    II – The High Priestess: Suppressed Intuition

    Shadow Themes: Avoidance of inner wisdom, distrust of emotions, secrecy.

    The High Priestess holds deep knowledge, but shadow work reveals what we refuse to acknowledge. This card often appears when we suppress emotions or ignore our gut feelings.

    🔹 IFS Connection: A protector part that disconnects you from intuition due to past hurt.

    🔹 Example:

    • Someone with childhood emotional neglect (CEN) may have learned to distrust their instincts because their emotions were dismissed growing up.
    • This leads to ignoring warning signs in relationships or feeling disconnected from their true desires.

    🔹 Tarot Exercise: Pull a card and journal: What truth am I avoiding?

    III – The Empress: Fear of Nurturing & Self-Worth

    Shadow Themes: Fear of intimacy, neglecting self-care, mother wounds.

    The Empress is about nurturing and abundance, but in shadow work, it can expose wounds related to love and care—especially when self-worth is tied to external validation.

    🔹 IFS Connection: Could indicate an exiled part that feels unloved or unworthy.

    🔹 Example:

    • Someone who never received emotional warmth as a child might struggle to nurture themselves, leading to overworking or people-pleasing.
    • Fear of being a burden may cause rejection of care from others.

    🔹 Tarot Exercise: Ask: How do I reject nurturing? Reflect on how this shows up in your relationships.

    IV – The Emperor: Control, Authority, and Fear of Vulnerability

    Shadow Themes: Rigid control, fear of emotions, authority struggles.

    The Emperor represents structure and discipline, but in shadow work, it may highlight an over-reliance on control to avoid emotional depth.

    🔹 IFS Connection: A protector part that creates strict boundaries to prevent vulnerability.

    🔹 Example:

    • A person who grew up in an unstable household may develop rigid routines or a need for absolute control to feel safe.
    • This can manifest as difficulty trusting others or resisting emotional openness.

    🔹 Tarot Exercise: Journal: Where in my life am I overly controlling? What am I afraid would happen if I let go?

    V – The Hierophant: Internalized Beliefs & Conditioning

    Shadow Themes: Blind adherence to rules, unexamined beliefs, rejection of individuality.

    The Hierophant represents tradition and learning, but in shadow work, it calls us to question the belief systems we’ve inherited—especially those that limit our self-expression.

    🔹 Example:

    • Someone raised with rigid moral or religious beliefs may struggle with guilt over normal desires.
    • Fear of breaking family expectations can lead to self-denial.

    🔹 Tarot Exercise: Ask: What inherited belief is no longer serving me?

    VI – The Lovers: Fear of True Connection

    Shadow Themes: Fear of intimacy, avoidance of emotional depth, self-rejection.

    The Lovers represents deep relationships, but in shadow work, it highlights fears around vulnerability and connection.

    🔹 IFS Connection: Exiled parts related to rejection and attachment wounds (fearful-avoidant attachment).

    🔹 Example:

    • Someone with CEN may push partners away when they get too close out of fear of abandonment.
    • They may self-sabotage relationships due to low self-worth.

    🔹 Tarot Exercise: Journal: How do I avoid intimacy? What would it feel like to be truly seen?

    VII – The Chariot: Pushing Forward vs. Avoidance

    Shadow Themes: Overworking to escape emotions, avoidance of stillness, burnout.

    The Chariot is about willpower and movement, but in shadow work, it reveals when we push forward to avoid feeling emotions.

    🔹 Example:

    • A person who never learned how to sit with emotions might focus obsessively on goals, mistaking movement for growth.
    • Fear of stillness can lead to burnout and exhaustion.

    🔹 Tarot Exercise: Ask: What am I running from?

    This first stage of the Major Arcana journey shows how we begin encountering the shadow—often through denial, avoidance, or control. The next part will explore cards VIII–XIV, where we start actively working with the shadow.

    Step 2: Facing the Shadow (Strength to Temperance)

    At this stage, the shadow can no longer be ignored. It shows up in emotions, relationships, and life events, pushing us toward transformation.

    VIII – Strength: Learning to Work with the Shadow

    Shadow Themes: Suppressed emotions, self-criticism, forcing control over feelings.

    Strength isn’t about overpowering the shadow—it’s about taming it with compassion. This card reveals where we might try to repress anger, fear, or sadness instead of working with them.

    🔹 IFS Connection: Strength represents the Self, the calm center that can befriend wounded parts instead of fighting them.

    🔹 Example:

    • Someone raised to believe that anger is “bad” might push it down—only for it to explode in unexpected ways.
    • Another might see sadness as weakness, leading to emotional shutdown.

    🔹 Tarot Exercise:
    Pull a card asking: What emotion am I suppressing? How can I work with it?

    IX – The Hermit: Confronting the Self in Solitude

    Shadow Themes: Avoidance of introspection, loneliness vs. true solitude, fear of silence.

    The Hermit calls us to look inward, but for some, this can be terrifying. True shadow work requires solitude, yet many fear what they’ll find when distractions are removed.

    🔹 Example:

    • Someone who always stays busy may do so to avoid painful self-reflection.
    • Fearful-avoidant attachment may cause deep loneliness even when alone.

    🔹 Tarot Exercise:
    Spend 15 minutes in complete silence and then pull a card: What truth is waiting for me in stillness?

    X – The Wheel of Fortune: Cycles of Repeating Patterns

    Shadow Themes: Resistance to change, victim mindset, unconscious repetition of past wounds.

    The Wheel of Fortune reveals life’s cycles, but in shadow work, it highlights repeated patterns—especially painful ones.

    🔹 Example:

    • Someone who keeps attracting emotionally unavailable partners might be repeating a childhood dynamic.
    • Another might feel stuck in the same job struggles, unaware of deeper fears of success or failure.

    🔹 Tarot Exercise:
    Ask: What cycle am I unconsciously repeating? Then pull a clarifying card for how to break it.

    XI – Justice: The Truth We Don’t Want to See

    Shadow Themes: Self-deception, blaming others, avoiding responsibility for personal patterns.

    Justice brings clarity, but in shadow work, it forces us to see what we’d rather ignore. This could be rationalizations, projections, or excuses we make for our own actions.

    🔹 Example:

    • Someone who constantly blames external circumstances for their unhappiness might need to confront their own choices.
    • A person who prides themselves on being “good” might struggle to accept their own flaws.

    🔹 Tarot Exercise:
    Pull a card asking: What truth am I resisting? Then journal about how you react to the answer.

    XII – The Hanged Man: Surrendering to the Shadow

    Shadow Themes: Fear of letting go, avoiding discomfort, attachment to control.

    The Hanged Man teaches surrender, but in shadow work, this is often the hardest lesson. It asks us to sit with discomfort, to pause instead of react.

    🔹 IFS Connection: This card represents the moment before transformation, when protectors must step aside for deeper healing to begin.

    🔹 Example:

    • Someone who always tries to “fix” their emotions may struggle with simply feeling them.
    • Fearful-avoidant types might resist sitting with uncertainty in relationships.

    🔹 Tarot Exercise:
    Ask: What do I need to surrender to right now? Pull a card and meditate on its message.

    XIII – Death: Shadow Work’s Transformation

    Shadow Themes: Fear of endings, resistance to personal growth, clinging to the old self.

    Despite its reputation, Death isn’t about physical loss—it’s about deep, personal transformation. In shadow work, this card often appears when we resist letting go of outdated identities, beliefs, or relationships.

    🔹 Example:

    • Someone who always saw themselves as a caretaker may struggle with setting boundaries.
    • Another might resist outgrowing old friendships out of guilt.

    🔹 Tarot Exercise:
    Journal: What part of myself am I afraid to let go of? Pull a card for insight.

    XIV – Temperance: Integration of the Shadow

    Shadow Themes: Struggling with balance, swinging between extremes, difficulty in self-acceptance.

    Temperance represents harmony, but in shadow work, it challenges us to integrate both light and dark. Many people struggle with either over-identifying with their wounds or trying to completely reject their past.

    🔹 Example:

    • Someone deep in healing may become overly focused on their wounds, feeling stuck in the past.
    • Another might push healing too quickly, avoiding deep emotional work.

    🔹 Tarot Exercise:
    Pull two cards: One for your light self, one for your shadow self. Reflect on how they coexist.

    This phase of the Major Arcana represents the hardest part of shadow work—the moment when you truly face yourself. Many people resist this stage, but if you’re here, you’re already doing the work.

    In the next part, we’ll explore The Devil through The World, the final stage of integrating the shadow into a whole, authentic self.

    🔹 Jungian Connection: Shadow work is not about eliminating the shadow—it’s about embracing it as part of your whole self.
    🔹 IFS Connection: In Internal Family Systems (IFS), true healing happens when wounded parts of the self feel safe enough to integrate.

    Step 3: Embracing the Shadow (The Devil to The World)

    At this stage, we stop fighting the shadow and begin to accept, integrate, and work with it. This is not about eliminating “bad” parts of yourself but finding balance between light and dark.

    XV – The Devil: Facing Our Deepest Fears and Addictions

    Shadow Themes: Self-sabotage, toxic patterns, unconscious coping mechanisms.

    The Devil represents being trapped, but in shadow work, the trap is often self-imposed. This card asks: What unhealthy behaviors or beliefs keep me stuck?

    🔹 Example:

    • Someone with fearful-avoidant attachment might sabotage relationships out of fear of vulnerability.
    • Another might use constant busyness as an unconscious escape from emotions.

    🔹 Tarot Exercise:
    Pull a card asking: What unhealthy pattern am I holding onto? Then another asking: What would it take to release it?

    XVI – The Tower: Ego Death and Radical Transformation

    Shadow Themes: Fear of sudden change, emotional breakdowns, loss of identity.

    The Tower is the breaking point—when the false structures we built collapse. In shadow work, this often happens when we realize a core belief or identity no longer serves us.

    🔹 Example:

    • Someone who was taught to suppress emotions might suddenly experience overwhelming grief.
    • A person who always identified as a caretaker may feel lost when they finally set boundaries.

    🔹 Tarot Exercise:
    Journal: What belief about myself is crumbling? Pull a card for insight.

    XVII – The Star: Hope After Darkness

    Shadow Themes: Rebuilding self-trust, vulnerability, fear of being seen.

    After The Tower’s destruction, The Star brings healing. However, this stage of shadow work often involves learning to trust yourself again after breaking old patterns.

    🔹 Example:

    • Someone who spent years in self-denial may struggle to believe their emotions are valid.
    • A person who has been deeply wounded might feel hopeful but afraid to open up again.

    🔹 Tarot Exercise:
    Pull a card asking: What part of me is ready to heal?

    XVIII – The Moon: Navigating the Unknown

    Shadow Themes: Fear of uncertainty, unconscious fears, self-deception.

    The Moon represents the mystery of the subconscious, where shadow work cannot be logically controlled. It asks us to sit with discomfort, rather than rush toward solutions.

    🔹 Example:

    • Someone used to rationalizing emotions might struggle with deep, irrational fears surfacing.
    • A person confronting childhood wounds may feel lost without clear answers.

    🔹 Tarot Exercise:
    Try a stream-of-consciousness journaling session after pulling a card for What is my shadow trying to tell me?

    XIX – The Sun: The Light of Self-Acceptance

    Shadow Themes: Fear of being fully seen, struggling to accept joy, self-criticism.

    Many assume shadow work is only about darkness, but true integration also means accepting our right to happiness. The Sun reminds us: Healing is not just about pain—it’s about rediscovering joy.

    🔹 Example:

    • Someone raised to minimize their own needs may feel guilty enjoying success or love.
    • A person who spent years in survival mode might struggle with relaxing into happiness.

    🔹 Tarot Exercise:
    Ask: Where am I blocking joy? Pull a card for insight.

    XX – Judgment: The Moment of Full Awareness

    Shadow Themes: Self-reflection, fear of past mistakes, resistance to transformation.

    Judgment represents the final reckoning before true integration—it asks us to accept everything we have learned.

    🔹 Example:

    • Someone deep in healing might resist fully letting go of their old self.
    • Another might struggle with self-forgiveness for past actions.

    🔹 Tarot Exercise:
    Pull a card asking: What part of me is ready to rise into wholeness?

    XXI – The World: Full Integration of the Shadow

    Shadow Themes: Accepting the self as whole, ending an old chapter, embracing personal power.

    The World is the completion of the journey—where you no longer see your shadow as an enemy, but as a part of you.

    🔹 Example:

    • Someone who feared being “too much” finally embraces their depth.
    • A person who struggled with self-worth begins to truly value themselves.

    🔹 Tarot Exercise:
    Reflect on your shadow work journey and pull one final card: What have I integrated?

    Conclusion: The Major Arcana as a Map for Shadow Work

    The journey through the Major Arcana reflects the entire process of shadow work—from unconscious patterns (The Fool) to self-exploration (The Magician to The Hanged Man), through confrontation (Death to The Tower), and finally to integration and wholeness (The Star to The World).

    Shadow work is not a one-time event but a lifelong practice. Each time we cycle through these archetypes, we deepen our understanding of ourselves.

    Key Takeaways:

    ✔ Your shadow is not your enemy—it is a part of you that needs acknowledgment and integration.
    ✔ The Major Arcana provides a psychological map for self-exploration, helping you understand different stages of healing.
    ✔ Shadow work is not just about uncovering wounds—it’s about learning to live in balance with yourself.

    ✨ In the next article, we will explore how to use the Minor Arcana for everyday shadow work. Read: Tarot for Shadow Work: the Minor Arcana as a Mirror for everyday struggles.

    📥 Download the Tarot Shadow Work Integration Journal to apply what you’ve learned!

    Download now

    🗨 Which Major Arcana card resonates with your personal shadow journey? Let’s discuss in the comments!

  • Tarot for Shadow Work? A Beginner’s Guide (Part 1 of 6) + free PDF

    Introduction: What If the Answers You Fear Are Already Within You?

    You sit down after a long day, shuffle your tarot deck, and pull a card. It’s The Moon—a card of illusions, uncertainty, and hidden fears. A strange feeling rises in your chest. You were hoping for clarity, but instead, the card seems to reflect a part of you that you’d rather not face.

    This is the essence of shadow work with tarot: using the cards to uncover the thoughts, emotions, and wounds that shape your life from beneath the surface. But can tarot really be used for psychological self-exploration, or is it just a mystical tool?

    In this first article of our six-part series, we’ll explore how tarot can act as a mirror to your unconscious, why it’s a powerful tool for shadow work, and how you can start using it—even if you’ve never picked up a deck before.

    What Is Shadow Work?

    Before we get into tarot, let’s define shadow work. The term comes from Carl Jung, a Swiss psychologist who developed the concept of the shadow self—the hidden part of your psyche where you bury the traits, emotions, and memories that don’t fit your self-image.

    Your shadow might include:

    • Repressed emotions (anger, grief, jealousy)
    • Unacknowledged fears (fear of abandonment, failure, intimacy)
    • Socially unacceptable traits (selfishness, laziness, impulsivity)
    • Trauma responses (people-pleasing, avoidance, emotional numbness)

    Shadow work is the process of bringing these hidden aspects into awareness, allowing you to integrate them rather than suppress them.

    How Tarot Helps Reveal the Shadow

    Tarot cards are rich with symbols, archetypes, and psychological depth, making them an ideal tool for exploring the unconscious.

    1. Tarot as a Mirror of the Unconscious

    Have you ever noticed that certain tarot cards trigger an emotional reaction? Maybe The Devil makes you uncomfortable, or The Tower fills you with dread. That reaction isn’t random—it’s your unconscious recognizing something about yourself that you may not fully see.

    • If The Lovers makes you uneasy, you might struggle with vulnerability or intimacy.
    • If The Emperor feels oppressive, you might have authority wounds or a strained relationship with control.
    • If The High Priestess seems distant, you may have learned to mistrust your intuition.

    Tarot bypasses the rational mind, allowing buried emotions and patterns to rise to the surface.

    2. Archetypes & Symbolism in Self-Discovery

    Carl Jung believed that archetypes—universal symbols and themes—exist in all cultures and shape human psychology. Tarot’s Major Arcana is filled with these archetypes:

    • The Fool → The part of you that fears failure or seeks adventure
    • The Hermit → Your inner wisdom, but also loneliness and withdrawal
    • The Shadowy Moon → The fears, illusions, and subconscious stories shaping your life

    When you draw a card, you’re not predicting the future—you’re seeing a reflection of your current inner state.

    3. Storytelling & Myth as a Personal Growth Tool

    Humans make sense of life through stories. Mythology, fairy tales, and spiritual traditions across cultures use symbolic stories to teach us about ourselves. Tarot operates in the same way—it externalizes your inner journey, making it easier to process.

    Psychologists have found that storytelling in therapy helps people reframe their experiences and uncover deeper truths. Tarot allows you to do this by letting your intuition create a narrative from the cards you pull.

    Do You Need to “Believe” in Tarot for Shadow Work?

    One common misconception is that you have to be spiritual, mystical, or believe in fate to use tarot for self-reflection. This isn’t true! Tarot is simply a tool for self-inquiry, like journaling or dream analysis.

    • If you’re skeptical, try viewing tarot as a randomized journaling prompt generator—each card presents a concept for self-exploration.
    • You don’t have to believe the cards hold “messages from the universe.” Instead, you can see them as a way to tap into your own subconscious wisdom.

    Many therapists and coaches use tarot-like techniques, including Rorschach inkblots and guided imagery, to help clients access deeper emotions.

    Psychological Research Supporting Tarot for Shadow Work

    Tarot is often dismissed as superstition, but several psychological frameworks support its use for self-exploration:

    1️⃣ Carl Jung’s Work on Archetypes & the Unconscious

    • Jung viewed tarot as a symbolic representation of human psychology.
    • He argued that engaging with archetypes (like those in tarot) helps people integrate their unconscious material.

    2️⃣ Internal Family Systems (IFS) & Sub-Personalities

    • Tarot can reveal inner “parts” of ourselves (protector, exile, self) that mirror the IFS framework.
    • IFS therapy uses visualization techniques, much like tarot, to communicate with these parts.

    3️⃣ Projective Techniques in Psychology

    • Similar to Rorschach inkblots, tarot cards allow free association, helping people express subconscious thoughts.
    • Studies show that projective storytelling enhances emotional awareness and self-reflection.

    How to Start Using Tarot for Shadow Work

    If you’re new to tarot, start simple. You don’t need to memorize all 78 cards to begin. Instead, focus on asking meaningful questions and reflecting on your reactions to the images.

    1. Set an Intention

    Before you shuffle your deck, ask yourself:

    • What emotion am I avoiding today?
    • What part of myself do I struggle to accept?
    • What do I need to see but resist acknowledging?

    2. Pull a Single Card & Reflect

    • Observe your immediate reaction to the card.
    • Ask: Does this card feel comforting, challenging, or confusing?
    • Consider: What does this card represent in my life right now?

    3. Journal Your Thoughts

    Journaling is a key part of shadow work. You don’t need to write a formal essay—just jot down your impressions.

    Example Journal Prompts:

    • What hidden fear does this card reflect?
    • What message does my shadow self have for me today?
    • How have I been avoiding this truth in my daily life?

    Tarot Spreads for Shadow Work

    To make shadow work more accessible, here are three powerful tarot spreads designed to help you explore your unconscious patterns. These spreads integrate insights from Jungian psychology and Internal Family Systems (IFS), which both focus on working with the different aspects of the self.

    1. The Inner Conflict Spread (IFS Approach to Shadow Work)

    This spread helps uncover inner parts of yourself that are in conflict, a concept central to IFS therapy, which views the psyche as made up of different sub-personalities or \”parts.\”

    Spread Layout:
    1️⃣ The Protector: What part of me is trying to keep me safe, even if in an unhealthy way?
    2️⃣ The Wounded Part: What part of me is actually hurting or needs attention?
    3️⃣ What This Part Needs: How can I acknowledge and integrate this part in a healthy way?

    Example Reading:

    • Card 1: The Emperor → Your protector part is rigid, controlling, and tries to keep you safe by being overly structured and perfectionistic.
    • Card 2: The Five of Cups → The wounded part carries deep sadness from past failures or disappointments and is terrified of making mistakes.
    • Card 3: The Queen of Cups → Your wounded part needs compassion, self-acceptance, and permission to express emotions without judgment.

    Interpretation:
    Your inner critic (The Emperor) is trying to protect you from failure, but in doing so, it suppresses your emotional self. This can lead to burnout, emotional disconnection, and anxiety. The tarot is showing that embracing self-compassion(Queen of Cups) will allow your wounded part (Five of Cups) to heal instead of being buried under perfectionism.

    ✅ IFS Insight: This aligns with the IFS model of protectors (The Emperor) and exiles (The Five of Cups). Your protector isn’t the enemy—it just doesn’t trust that your core self (Queen of Cups) can handle vulnerability. The key is to thank your protector for its efforts while learning to lead with self-compassion.

    2. The Shadow Trigger Spread (Jungian Approach to Projection)

    Have you ever intensely disliked someone, only to realize later that they reminded you of a part of yourself that you had disowned? This is Jung’s concept of projection—our shadow often appears in what we reject in others.

    Spread Layout:
    1️⃣ The Person/Situation That Triggers Me: What external situation is revealing my shadow?
    2️⃣ The Disowned Trait: What part of myself am I rejecting or not acknowledging?
    3️⃣ How to Integrate This Trait: How can I accept and work with this shadow part?

    Example Reading:

    • Card 1: Knight of Swords → You feel triggered by someone who is impulsive, argumentative, and speaks without thinking.
    • Card 2: The Fool → Your shadow is your own suppressed spontaneity and freedom—you secretly envy people who act without overthinking.
    • Card 3: The Hanged Man → The way to integrate this trait is to pause and reflect on why you fear spontaneity, rather than suppressing it.

    Interpretation:
    You might pride yourself on being calm and rational, but deep down, you have a repressed part that craves freedom, risk-taking, and adventure. Instead of rejecting this part, tarot encourages you to explore it safely, perhaps by making small spontaneous choices.

    ✅ Jungian Insight: Shadow projection often leads us to judge in others what we suppress in ourselves. This reading suggests that examining our triggers can reveal unconscious desires and wounds.

    3. The Unfinished Story Spread (Healing Past Wounds)

    Some wounds remain unresolved because we never allow ourselves to fully process them. This spread helps identify unfinished emotional business that still affects your present.

    Spread Layout:
    1️⃣ The Past Wound: What experience still affects me today?
    2️⃣ The Current Manifestation: How is this wound showing up in my present life?
    3️⃣ The Healing Path: What do I need to do to find closure?

    Example Reading:

    • Card 1: Three of Swords → A past heartbreak, betrayal, or loss is still lingering in your subconscious.
    • Card 2: Eight of Swords → In your present life, this pain is causing self-doubt, fear, and a feeling of being trapped.
    • Card 3: The Star → Healing will come when you allow yourself to hope again, trust again, and believe in the possibility of renewal.

    Interpretation:
    The tarot reveals that an old emotional wound is still shaping your decisions today. You might be avoiding new relationships, struggling with self-worth, or fearing vulnerability. The key to healing (The Star) is to believe that healing is possible and start making choices that align with hope rather than fear.

    ✅ Psychological Insight: Research shows that unresolved emotional trauma is stored in the body and subconscious mind, influencing behaviors and perceptions. Practices like journaling, therapy, or mindfulness can help bring closure.

    Final Thoughts: Embracing the Depth of Tarot Shadow Work

    Shadow work is a lifelong journey, but tarot offers a structured, intuitive way to explore your hidden depths. By engaging with tarot:
    ✅ You gain self-awareness and uncover hidden patterns.
    ✅ You develop compassion for your wounded parts.
    ✅ You integrate your light and shadow, leading to greater wholeness.

    In Part 2, we’ll explore how each Major Arcana card represents a stage in the shadow work journey—from The Fool’s first step into the unknown to The World’s integration of all aspects of the self.

    Share Your Thoughts!

    Have you ever pulled a tarot card that revealed something deep about yourself? What shadow aspect do you struggle with the most? Let’s talk in the comments!

    Next Steps & Free Download

    🔹 Download Your Free Tarot Shadow Work Journal (PDF with spreads & prompts)

    Download now

    🔹 Read Part 2: Thet Major Arcana as a Shadow Work Roadmap

  • Why You Feel Restless When Trying to Relax and How to Stop It (+free PDF)

    Why Can’t You Just Rest?

    Imagine this:

    • You finally get a moment to rest. Maybe you lie down on the couch, take a deep breath, and close your eyes. But instead of relaxing, your brain fires up with urgency:
      • \”You should be doing something productive.\”
      • \”Check your phone—there might be something important.\”
      • \”You left that email unread. Just handle it quickly.\”
      • \”The kitchen is still a mess. You’ll feel better if you clean it first.\”
    • Within seconds, you find yourself grabbing your phone, scrolling, or getting up to do chores—even though you genuinely need rest.
    • You may have even cleared time for rest, thinking:
      • \”Tonight, I’ll finally just relax and watch a movie.\”
      • But then you pick up your laptop, answering emails while half-watching.
      • Or you decide to fold laundry while the movie plays—because just sitting there feels wrong.
    • Later, you may feel frustrated with yourself, thinking:
      • \”Why can’t I just do nothing?\”
      • \”Why do I feel guilty when I’m not being productive?\”
      • \”I’m exhausted, but I always find something else to do.\”

    Sound familiar?

    This isn’t just a “bad habit” or an issue of poor self-control. There are deeper emotional and nervous system reasonswhy your body and mind resist stillness—especially if you have Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) and a fearful-avoidant attachment style.

    What This Article Will Cover:

    • Why your brain and body resist rest (psychological & nervous system reasons).
    • The role of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) and attachment wounds in this struggle.
    • What’s happening internally when you feel restless.
    • How to slowly retrain yourself to feel safe in stillness.
    • A free downloadable worksheet to help you practice feeling comfortable with rest.

    This isn’t about forcing yourself to relax—it’s about understanding what’s happening inside you so you can work with it rather than fight it.

    Let’s dive in.

    Why Your Brain and Body Resist Rest

    If you struggle with stillness, it’s not because you’re lazy, weak, or “addicted to productivity.” Your nervous system and emotional history actively resist rest—often in ways that feel automatic and outside of your control.

    Here’s what’s happening beneath the surface.

    1. Your Nervous System Associates Stillness with Danger

    Imagine an animal in the wild. If it lies still for too long, it’s vulnerable to predators. In high-stress environments, stillness = danger because it leaves you unprepared to react.

    For many people with CEN and a fearful-avoidant attachment style, their early environment didn’t provide emotional safety. They learned to stay alert, anticipating unmet needs, emotional unpredictability, or rejection.

    • If your caregivers were emotionally unavailable, you might have learned:
      • \”No one will comfort me when I’m distressed.\”
      • \”I need to be self-sufficient all the time.\”
      • \”If I stop moving, I’ll feel the loneliness I’ve been avoiding.\”

    As a result, your body stays in a subtle fight-or-flight mode, keeping you mentally and physically active as a survival strategy.

    ➡️ Example: You sit on the couch to rest, but your body suddenly tenses. You feel an urge to check your phone, clean, or start a project—not because you actually want to, but because stillness feels wrong.

    2. You Learned to Tie Your Worth to Productivity

    If you grew up in an environment where love or validation was conditional on achievement, you may have internalized the belief:

    • \”I am only valuable when I am doing something productive.\”
    • \”Rest is lazy.\”
    • \”I don’t deserve rest unless I’ve ‘earned’ it.\”

    This belief is often deeply unconscious, yet it shapes your daily behavior. Resting feels uncomfortable because it contradicts the survival mechanism you built as a child.

    ➡️ Example: After finishing work, you feel an overwhelming urge to do one more thing—reply to an email, organize a drawer, or start a side project—because stopping feels like failure.

    3. Rest Feels Unsafe Because It Leaves Space for Unprocessed Emotions

    Stillness isn’t just a break from movement—it’s also a break from mental distractions.

    If you’ve spent years avoiding emotions—especially those tied to loneliness, self-doubt, or unmet childhood needs—then rest becomes a threat.

    • The moment you stop moving, these emotions bubble up.
    • Your brain automatically tries to drown them out with distractions.

    This can be especially strong in fearful-avoidant attachment styles, where emotions feel overwhelming and hard to regulate.

    ➡️ Example: You turn on a TV show “to relax,” but instead of focusing, you pick up your phone and scroll mindlessly. This isn’t just boredom—it’s an unconscious attempt to avoid being alone with your thoughts.

    4. Your Brain Craves Dopamine from Constant Stimulation

    Modern technology exploits this natural tendency by offering endless dopamine hits—from notifications to social media to constant background noise.

    If you’ve been chronically overstimulated, stillness feels like withdrawal. Your brain craves the next hit of engagement, so you instinctively reach for your phone or start doing something.

    ➡️ Example: You tell yourself, \”I’ll rest for 10 minutes.\” But within 30 seconds, you grab your phone to check anything, just to feel that tiny sense of engagement.

    5. Hyper-Independence Makes It Hard to “Let Go”

    If you had to self-soothe alone as a child, you likely developed hyper-independence—believing that relying on others (or even slowing down) is a weakness.

    Rest requires letting go, but your nervous system resists surrendering control because:

    • No one was there to support you emotionally as a child → you assume no one will be there now.
    • Stillness reminds you of past loneliness → you instinctively push it away.

    ➡️ Example: Lying in bed at night, instead of unwinding, you suddenly think of tasks you “need” to do—even though they could wait until morning. Your body resists relaxation because it’s wired for constant self-reliance.

    Why This Matters

    If any of this resonates, it’s not because you’re “bad at resting.” It’s because your body has learned to equate stillness with discomfort.

    But the good news? You can rewire this response—not by forcing yourself to rest, but by gradually building safety in stillness.

    How to Start Feeling Safe in Stillness

    Now that we understand why rest feels so uncomfortable, the next step is learning how to work with your nervous system—not against it—to retrain your body to feel safe slowing down.

    This process takes time, but with small, intentional changes, you can shift from feeling restless to experiencing stillness as a source of comfort and restoration.

    1. Start Small: Build Tolerance for Stillness Gradually

    If rest feels overwhelming, forcing yourself to “just relax” won’t work. Your body perceives stillness as a threat, so diving straight into prolonged rest can trigger even more resistance.

    Instead, try micro-moments of stillness throughout your day:

    • Before checking your phone in the morning, take 5 slow breaths.
    • Pause for 10 seconds before switching tasks. Just sit with your breath before jumping to the next thing.
    • At the end of the day, sit for one minute in silence before turning on a show or scrolling.

    At first, this may feel strangely uncomfortable—but that’s normal. You’re building tolerance for rest in a way that doesn’t overwhelm your nervous system.

    ➡️ Example: Instead of trying to meditate for 20 minutes (which may feel unbearable), start by closing your eyes for 10 seconds before getting up in the morning.

    2. Identify and Challenge the Thoughts That Drive Restlessness

    Much of our struggle with rest comes from internalized beliefs about productivity and worth.

    Common Thoughts That Keep You From Resting:

    • \”If I’m not doing something productive, I’m wasting time.\”
    • \”I haven’t done enough to deserve a break.\”
    • \”I’ll feel better if I just finish one more task.\”
    • \”Stillness means I’m being lazy.\”

    How to Reframe These Thoughts:

    • \”Rest is productive because it allows me to function better.\”
    • \”I don’t have to earn rest—my body naturally needs it.\”
    • \”Stillness isn’t laziness; it’s an important part of healing.\”

    ➡️ Example: Next time you feel the urge to grab your phone, pause and ask yourself: “What am I avoiding right now?” This simple awareness can help shift your response.

    3. Work with Your Nervous System: Move Toward “Rest and Digest”

    If your body is stuck in fight-or-flight, deep rest will feel impossible. Instead of forcing stillness, try gentle, regulating activities that bring you into “rest and digest” mode.

    Techniques to Help Your Nervous System Relax:

    ✔️ Breathwork: Try box breathing (inhale 4 sec, hold 4 sec, exhale 4 sec, hold 4 sec). This signals safety to your brain.
    ✔️ Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Tense and release different muscle groups.
    ✔️ Weighted Blanket: Provides deep pressure that calms the nervous system.
    ✔️ Gentle Rocking Motions: If you struggle with stillness, swaying slightly or using a rocking chair can ease the transition.

    ➡️ Example: If lying still feels impossible, start with slowly rocking while sitting. This provides gentle movementwhile still promoting relaxation.

    4. Allow Discomfort Without Avoiding It

    Stillness often brings up emotions we’ve been avoiding. Instead of escaping into distractions, try sitting with discomfort just a little longer before reaching for your phone or starting another task.

    • If rest triggers guilt, notice it and remind yourself: “Rest is not wrong.”
    • If rest brings up anxiety, try naming the feeling: “I feel unsettled, and that’s okay.”
    • If rest makes you feel empty, gently ask yourself: “What do I need right now?”

    At first, this might feel worse before it feels better—but over time, your brain will rewire to recognize stillness as safe.

    ➡️ Example: When you feel the urge to grab your phone, pause and tell yourself: \”I can sit with this feeling for 30 more seconds before reaching for it.\” Over time, this builds emotional tolerance.

    5. Create a Ritual for Rest

    One way to make rest feel intentional rather than “wasted” is to turn it into a ritual.

    Ideas for Rest Rituals:

    • Make tea and sit in silence for 5 minutes.
    • Put on soft music and lie down without distractions.
    • Stretch gently before bed to signal relaxation.
    • Use essential oils or candlelight to create a calm atmosphere.

    When rest becomes a structured, predictable experience, your body starts to associate it with safety rather than discomfort.

    ➡️ Example: Every night, light a candle and take three deep breaths before getting into bed. This signals to your nervous system: “It’s okay to slow down now.”

    6. Use Body-Based Practices to Release Stored Tension

    For those with CEN and fearful-avoidant attachment, rest can feel unsafe because the body is holding unprocessed emotional tension.

    Helpful Somatic Practices:

    ✔️ Yoga Nidra – A guided relaxation practice to release deep stress.
    ✔️ Tapping (EFT) – Helps calm anxiety and rewire stress responses. Check out the following YouTube channel for free guided tapping sessions: Tap with Brad
    ✔️ TRE (Tension & Trauma Releasing Exercises) – Uses gentle shaking to release stored trauma from the body.

    ➡️ Example: If lying down makes you anxious, try doing 5 minutes of gentle stretches first—this can help your body transition into a calmer state.

    Recommended Books & YouTube Resources

    Books:

    📖 The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel van der Kolk (How trauma affects the nervous system)
    📖 Rest is Resistance – Tricia Hersey (Reframing rest as necessary, not indulgent)
    📖 Anchored – Deb Dana (Using Polyvagal Theory to feel safe in rest)
    📖 The Myth of Normal – Gabor Maté (How modern life disconnects us from true rest)

    YouTube Channels:

    ▶️ Heidi Priebe – On fearful-avoidant attachment & self-regulation
    ▶️ Dr. Nicole LePera (The Holistic Psychologist) – Nervous system healing
    ▶️ Irene Lyon – Somatic healing & trauma release
    ▶️ Yoga with Adriene – Gentle yoga practices for relaxation

    Downloadable Worksheet: Learning to Feel Safe in Stillness

    This worksheet will help you understand your discomfort with rest, identify underlying beliefs, and create small, manageable steps to start feeling safe slowing down.

    Download now

    Q&A: Addressing Common Concerns About Rest and Stillness

    Q: Why do I feel anxious when I try to rest, even when I’m exhausted?

    A: If you grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) or have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, your nervous system may associate rest with vulnerability. Being still might bring up unprocessed emotions or a sense of emptiness that feels overwhelming. Your brain has learned to avoid this discomfort by staying busy. The key is gradual exposure—start with very short periods of stillness and pair them with grounding techniques like deep breathing or gentle movement.

    Q: I feel guilty when I rest. How can I change this?

    A: Many people with CEN received messages in childhood that their worth was tied to productivity or caretaking. To shift this, reframe rest as something essential for your well-being rather than a luxury. Try using affirmations like:

    • “Rest allows me to show up as my best self.”
    • “I deserve rest just because I exist.”

    It also helps to notice how rest benefits you—when you allow yourself to slow down, you make better decisions, feel more regulated, and have more energy for the things that matter.

    Q: I can only rest if I have something playing in the background. Is that bad?

    A: Not necessarily! Some people need transitional steps before they feel safe in true silence. If having a podcast or soft music on helps you relax, that’s okay. The goal isn’t to force yourself into silence immediately, but rather to become more comfortable with stillness over time. You can experiment with gradually lowering the volume or spending just a few minutes in quiet before turning something on.

    Q: What if I feel restless no matter what?

    A: This might mean your nervous system is stuck in a chronic state of hypervigilance—your body has learned that movement = safety. To shift this, incorporate regulating activities before attempting to rest, such as:

    • Gentle stretching or yoga
    • Rocking in a chair or swaying side to side
    • Weighted blankets for a sense of security
    • Body scans or progressive muscle relaxation

    If restlessness persists, explore whether unprocessed emotions or underlying fears are surfacing when you slow down. A therapist can help you work through these feelings in a safe, structured way.

    Final Thoughts: Embracing Rest as a Healing Practice

    Feeling unsettled during rest isn’t a sign that something is wrong with you—it’s a sign that your body and mind are adapting to a new way of being. If you’ve spent years avoiding stillness, it makes sense that rest feels uncomfortable at first. The goal isn’t to force yourself into deep relaxation overnight, but rather to build a sense of safety in stillness, little by little.

    Healing from CEN and fearful-avoidant patterns means learning to recognize and honor your true needs—including the need for restoration. The more you practice, the more your nervous system will learn that it is safe to pause, breathe, and just be.

    Join the Conversation!

    💬 Does this resonate with you? Have you noticed yourself avoiding stillness, and what strategies have helped you feel more comfortable resting? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below!

    📝 Download Your Free Worksheet to start building a healthier relationship with rest:

    Download now

    Explore further:

    👨‍👩‍👧Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child)

    😠Why Couples Bicker Over Small Things: How Unmet Needs Fuel Conflict—And What to Do Instead

    😡Why Inconsiderate People Trigger You More Than They “Should”—And How to Heal the Wound Beneath

    🛏️Why You Resist Sleep Even When Exhausted: The Hidden Emotional Roots of Insomnia

    🥰Childhood Emotional Neglect and Conflict Resolution in Relationships: How the 5 Love Languages Can Help

  • Breaking the Line of Silent Pain: Motherhood Shouldn’t be a Choice Between Self-Sacrifice and Emotional Distance (+free PDF)

    The Wound Passed Down – A Story of Three Generations

    I was never supposed to know.

    The first time I heard about my grandmother’s suicide, I was already grieving my mother’s. A family secret, locked away for decades, suddenly unfolded before me like a long-forgotten letter. The weight of it pressed into my bones, as if I had always carried something I couldn’t name.

    My grandmother had given everything to her family—her time, her body, her dreams. A life of self-sacrifice, the quiet suffering of a woman who never asked for more. When there was nothing left of herself, she vanished.

    My mother, having lived in the shadow of that silent martyrdom, did the opposite. She refused to be swallowed by motherhood, kept an emotional distance, prioritized her independence. But in the end, the emptiness found her too.

    And now, here I am. With two children of my own. Torn between the two paths I had inherited:

    • The mother who gave too much and disappeared.
    • The mother who pulled away and still disappeared.

    On the other side of the family, another echo.

    My paternal great-grandmother—a woman who endured, tolerated, swallowed her voice. She took care of everyone, even a husband who betrayed her. She believed that was what love meant.

    But her daughter, my paternal grandmother, rejected all of it. She refused to be her mother’s shadow, so she built a life away from family. She chose ambition, work, and divorce at 25 rather than repeating the cycle.

    Two generations, the same wound, the same swing between extremes—giving everything away or taking everything back. Nothing in between.

    Now, standing at the crossroads, I wonder: How do you break a cycle when both options lead to loss?

    The Inheritance We Don’t Talk About

    Some inheritances are obvious—family heirlooms, traditions, physical traits. Others are invisible, woven into the fabric of who we are before we even have the words to understand them. Trauma is one of those inheritances. Not just the loud, obvious traumas of violence or neglect, but the subtle ones, the ones wrapped in silence.

    In so many motherlines, one wound repeats over and over: women putting themselves last until there is nothing left, or avoiding emotional closeness out of fear that they will disappear into it. If you’ve felt torn between these two extremes—self-sacrifice and emotional withdrawal—you are not alone. You are standing at the fault line of intergenerational pain, where the stories of the past are still shaping your present.

    But here’s the thing: you don’t have to repeat the pattern. You also don’t have to reject your motherline entirely. There is another way.

    This article will explore:

    • Why trauma continues when it remains unspoken
    • How the heroine’s journey offers a path to healing
    • Shadow work for understanding and integrating your motherline
    • Practical steps to break the cycle while honoring where you come from

    Because healing the motherline isn’t just about stopping the pain. It’s about creating something new.

    The Motherline and the Wound of Silence

    Why Trauma Continues When It Remains Unspoken

    Family trauma doesn’t just pass down through genetics or direct experience—it embeds itself in what is left unsaid. The taboos, the silences, the gaps in family stories—these are the spaces where unprocessed pain lingers. When our mothers and grandmothers couldn’t speak their truth, we inherited not only their wounds but also their inability to heal them.

    If a woman spent her life putting herself last, never acknowledging her exhaustion, her daughter likely grew up absorbing two conflicting messages:

    1. A mother’s love means sacrificing yourself.
    2. That sacrifice is unbearable.

    The daughter may then reject that model, distancing herself emotionally to avoid the same fate. But in doing so, she often swings to the other extreme—keeping loved ones at arm’s length, fearing that intimacy will swallow her whole. Her own children, in turn, feel emotionally abandoned and may later overcorrect in the opposite direction, losing themselves in their relationships. And so, the cycle continues.

    But what happens when the trauma isn’t just felt—it’s hidden?

    When Family Secrets Become Emotional Cages

    I never knew my grandmother had taken her own life. No one told me. Not until my mother did the same. Only then did I learn the truth.

    The silence around my grandmother’s pain had been absolute. It was not spoken of, not processed, not grieved aloud. And so, it festered—becoming a ghost in the family line, haunting us in ways we didn’t understand.

    Secrecy turns trauma into a legacy. When we aren’t given the full story, we don’t get to make sense of it. Instead, we live out its consequences without knowing their origin. This is how patterns repeat: not because we want them to, but because we were never given another way.

    I grew up absorbing the aftershocks of my mother’s struggles, but without the language to name them. She, too, had likely felt the weight of something unspoken in her own childhood. And in the end, despite making different choices, despite knowing what she didn’t want, she followed the same tragic path.

    Breaking the Silence: The Heroine’s Journey

    Many people are familiar with the Hero’s Journey—a path of adventure, trials, and self-discovery. But the Heroine’s Journey, as described by Maureen Murdock, is different. It is the journey of a woman reclaiming the lost parts of herself, healing the rift between her feminine and masculine energies, and integrating her personal power.

    For those of us caught between self-sacrifice and emotional detachment, the Heroine’s Journey provides a new framework for healing. The stages include:

    1. Separation from the Feminine – Rejecting the self-sacrificing mother figure, seeking independence.
    2. Identification with the Masculine – Valuing productivity, autonomy, emotional distance.
    3. The Illusion of Success – Believing this path will bring fulfillment, yet feeling empty.
    4. The Descent to the Dark Goddess (Shadow Work) – Facing the suppressed wounds of the motherline.
    5. Integration and Return – Embracing both autonomy and connection, forging a new path.

    If we follow this journey, we stop blindly repeating the choices of our ancestors and start creating something new—a motherhood that is neither martyrdom nor avoidance, but a place of presence, boundaries, and self-respect.

    I\’ll seamlessly integrate this research into the previous part while maintaining the flow and depth of the piece. I\’ll ensure it feels natural, reinforcing the importance of breaking generational cycles while keeping the tone therapeutic yet grounded in science.

    Give me a moment to do this properly.

    Healing the Motherline: What Needs to Be Spoken

    Trauma continues when it is taboo.
    It lingers in silences, in the things we are never told, in the pain we sense but cannot name.

    Women of past generations rarely spoke of their suffering. Their silence was a survival mechanism—born of societal expectations, shame, and the simple fact that there was no space for their grief. A mother could not afford to break down when she had children to feed, a household to run, and a husband to keep from leaving. Instead, pain was swallowed, pushed down, and absorbed into the body. But what remains unspoken does not disappear.

    Studies in epigenetics reveal that trauma leaves biological marks, altering how genes are expressed in future generations. Research on Holocaust survivors and their children shows that the body holds onto the biochemical imprints of trauma, affecting stress responses in the next generation (Yehuda et al., 2005). Similar findings exist for the descendants of famine survivors, whose bodies metabolize food differently—primed for scarcity even in times of abundance (Tobi et al., 2009). Animal studies suggest that even experiences of fear and stress can be passed down, shaping nervous systems before birth (Dias & Ressler, 2014).

    And it is not just in the body. Psychological studies confirm that unprocessed trauma in parents shapes attachment patterns, emotional regulation, and mental health in their children. Daughters of war survivors, for example, often experience heightened anxiety despite never having lived through conflict themselves (Dekel & Goldblatt, 2008). Other research suggests that when a mother suppresses her grief, her daughter unconsciously carries it, often without understanding why she feels a sadness that does not fully belong to her (Serbin et al., 2014).

    The motherline holds these unspoken truths, passed down not only through blood but through behavior, through what is left unsaid. Healing begins when we bring them into consciousness—when we name them. This does not necessarily mean confronting our mothers or grandmothers; sometimes, they are too wounded to acknowledge their own pain. But we can acknowledge it within ourselves. We can make the unconscious conscious so that we are no longer simply repeating what came before.

    Exercises for Healing the Motherline

    These exercises help bring awareness to the inherited wounds we carry—so we can hold them with compassion instead of blindly living them out.

    1. Write a letter to your motherline.
    • Speak to the women who came before you. Tell them what you have learned, what you wish they had known, and what you are choosing to do differently.
    • If you feel anger, allow it. If you feel grief, allow that too. The goal is to bring what has been suppressed into the light.
    1. Create a dialogue between your inner mother and inner child.
    • Close your eyes and imagine your younger self sitting in front of you. What does she need to hear? What does she wish her mother had told her?
    • Now, imagine your inner mother—a wise, loving part of you that holds deep compassion. Let her speak.
    1. Recognize inherited beliefs vs. personal truths.
    • Write down common phrases you heard about womanhood, motherhood, or self-worth growing up. Were they loving, limiting, or shaming?
    • Ask yourself: Does this belief serve me? If not, what truth do I want to replace it with?

    By speaking what was once unspoken, we begin to reclaim our own voices. We stop blindly repeating the choices of our ancestors and start creating something new—a motherhood that is neither martyrdom nor avoidance, but a place of presence, boundaries, and self-respect.

    Walking a New Path Without Losing Connection

    Breaking generational patterns does not mean rejecting our lineage. True healing is not about choosing one extreme over the other but walking the middle path—a path where we care for ourselves without guilt and nurture our children without losing our identity.

    But how do we do this in practice? How do we honor where we come from while forging a different way forward?

    Practical Steps for Breaking the Cycle

    1. Learn to care for yourself without guilt.
    • Recognize that self-care is not selfish; it is a way to prevent passing down burnout and resentment to the next generation.
    • Start small: Take 15 minutes a day to do something for yourself, whether it’s reading, resting, or simply breathing.
    1. Nurture your children without losing yourself.
    • Watch for patterns of over-sacrificing or withdrawing. If either feels familiar, pause and ask: “Am I repeating the past, or responding to the present?”
    • Model balance: Show your children what it looks like to meet your own needs, so they learn to meet theirs.
    1. Honor your motherline while forging your own way.
    • Acknowledge their struggles. You do not have to agree with their choices, but recognizing why they made them can create space for understanding.
    • Instead of rejecting everything from the past, choose what to keep and what to release. Healing is not about cutting off—it is about integration.

    Download Free Worksheet

    Healing the Motherline: A Journaling & Reflection Worksheet

    This worksheet is designed to help you bring awareness to inherited beliefs, process unspoken pain, and consciously reshape your relationship with motherhood, womanhood, and your lineage. You don’t need to complete it all at once—return to it as needed. Healing is a journey, not a single exercise.

    Download now

    Further Reading & Resources

    • Books on intergenerational trauma and motherline healing:
    • It Didn’t Start with You by Mark Wolynn
    • Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel
    • The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller
    • YouTube talks & podcasts:
    • Gabor Maté on generational trauma
    • The Holistic Psychologist on breaking family patterns
    • Clarissa Pinkola Estés on reclaiming the wild feminine

    Conclusion: A New Inheritance

    The most radical act of healing is choosing to be fully present.

    When we become conscious of the patterns we inherited, we gain the power to transform them. No longer trapped between self-sacrifice and emotional avoidance, we step into a different way of mothering—one that honors both our lineage and ourselves.

    We stop living out the pain of the past and start creating a new inheritance. One of truth, of presence, of love that does not require self-erasure.

    What’s one belief about motherhood you inherited that you’re ready to question? Share in the comments.

    Explore further:

    Motherhood as a Journey of Growth: Embracing the Transition from Maiden to Mother

    Recommended Books for Emotional Healing & Motherhood

    Self-Care Rituals from Ancient Traditions for Modern Mothers

    Leaning into the Mother Archetype: Healing CEN and CPTSD Patterns of Avoidance

    Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child)

    References

    • Yehuda, R., et al. (2005). \”Holocaust Exposure Induced Intergenerational Effects on FKBP5 Methylation.\” Biological Psychiatry.
    • Tobi, E. W., et al. (2009). \”Early Nutrition and Later Life Metabolic Programming in the Dutch Famine Birth Cohort.\” Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.
    • Dias, B. G., & Ressler, K. J. (2014). \”Parental Olfactory Experience Influences Behavior and Neural Structure in Subsequent Generations.\” Nature Neuroscience.
    • Dekel, S., & Goldblatt, H. (2008). \”Is There Intergenerational Transmission of Trauma? The Case of Combat Veterans\’ Children.\” American Journal of Orthopsychiatry.
    • Serbin, L. A., et al. (2014). \”Intergenerational Transmission of Psychopathology and the Role of Emotion Dysregulation.\” Journal of Abnormal Psychology.

  • Why Inconsiderate People Trigger You More Than They \”Should\”—And How to Heal the Wound Beneath

    Why Does This Bother Me So Much?

    You’re in a conversation, and someone inserts themselves into an issue that has nothing to do with them. They take offense where none was intended, act as though they’ve been personally wronged, or demand recognition for something irrelevant.

    Or maybe you’re dealing with someone who blatantly disregards others—cutting in line, talking over people, ignoring basic social awareness.

    You feel your chest tighten, your stomach clench. Your mind starts racing: How can they not see what they’re doing? Why do they think they’re the center of everything? Why do I feel so intensely about this?

    The truth is, it’s not just this moment—it’s an old wound being pressed on.

    If you’ve experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) or relational trauma, certain behaviors—especially inconsideration, entitlement, or a lack of self-awareness in others—can feel more than just irritating. They can feel like a violation. A threat.

    And that’s because, in a way, they are—at least to your nervous system.

    Why This Hurts More Than It “Should”

    Many people grow up learning to shrug off inconsiderate behavior. “That’s just how some people are.” “Let it go.” But for those with CEN, it’s not so simple.

    Your nervous system doesn’t just perceive this as rude behavior—it registers it as a personal attack.

    • You might feel a deep resentment, as if you’re being forced to accommodate yet another selfish person.
    • You might feel powerless, like no matter how much you try to be fair and considerate, the world rewards those who take up space without thinking of others.
    • You might feel a sense of injustice, a bubbling anger at how easily they demand recognition while you’ve spent a lifetime making yourself small.

    Your reaction isn’t about this one moment. It’s about all the moments that came before it.

    The Deeper Wound Beneath the Trigger

    1. Hyper-Attunement & Over-Responsibility

    If you grew up in a household where you had to anticipate others’ needs, manage the emotions of caregivers, or avoid conflict by being “the easy child,” then seeing someone act selfishly can feel deeply wrong.

    You were never allowed to behave that way. So why do they get to?

    2. Unspoken Anger & Swallowed Boundaries

    If setting boundaries in your past led to conflict, rejection, or being shut down, then witnessing inconsiderate behavior can trigger the anger you were never allowed to express.

    You learned to swallow your needs. Seeing someone else disregard others with ease can feel like an old injustice resurfacing.

    3. The Fear of Powerlessness

    For many with CEN, power dynamics in childhood were skewed. If your needs were dismissed, if you weren’t protected, if you felt unseen, then encountering entitlement or selfishness in adulthood can feel like being a powerless child again.

    Understanding Your Nervous System’s Response

    When someone acts inconsiderately, your body responds before your mind can rationalize it.

    What’s Happening Inside?

    • Your amygdala (threat center of the brain) perceives the behavior as a violation of safety or fairness.
    • Your nervous system activates—you might go into fight (anger), flight (avoidance), freeze (shutdown), or fawn (people-pleasing to “fix” it).
    • Your brain links this situation to past emotional injuries, making the reaction feel bigger than the present moment.

    This is why pure intellectual understanding (“It’s not a big deal”) doesn’t stop the reaction. The wound needs deeper healing.

    Healing Through Awareness & Reclaiming Your Power

    1. “What’s the Worst That Could Happen?” Visualization

    • The next time you feel triggered, pause and ask:
    • What am I afraid will happen if I don’t react?
    • What’s the worst thing about tolerating this discomfort?
    • Often, the answer reveals the true fear beneath the trigger—powerlessness, invisibility, or being taken advantage of.

    2. The “Tolerating Discomfort” Challenge

    • Instead of immediately reacting, practice sitting with the feeling.
    • Breathe deeply and repeat: \”I don’t have to engage. Their behavior does not define me.\”
    • By learning to tolerate the feeling without acting on it, you start breaking the automatic reaction loop.

    3. “The Opposite Perspective” Exercise

    • Ask yourself: What if their behavior isn’t about me at all?
    • Many inconsiderate people act this way because of their own childhood wounds—a need for control, attention, or validation.
    • Shifting from “They are bad” to “They are unconscious” reduces the emotional charge.

    4. A Self-Trust Checklist for Boundaries

    • Do I actually need to engage, or can I walk away?
    • Am I reacting out of habit or choice?
    • Do I feel safe standing firm in my perspective?
    • What would “holding my boundary” look like in this situation?

    Practical Tools for When the Trigger Hits

    1. Somatic Exercise to Calm the Nervous System

    • Place your hand on your chest and take three slow belly breaths.
    • Say: \”I am safe. I am allowed to take up space.\”

    2. Self-Compassion Prompt

    • Imagine speaking to your younger self:
    • “You are not invisible. You don’t have to accommodate everyone. You are safe.”

    3. Journaling Prompt

    • Who did I have to accommodate in my past?
    • How did that shape my reactions today?

    4. Micro-Boundary Practice

    • Choose one small way to assert yourself today—declining something, taking a pause before responding, or saying \”no\” without explaining.

    Recommended Books & YouTube Channels

    Books:

    • The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel van der Kolk
    • Running on Empty – Jonice Webb
    • Set Boundaries, Find Peace – Nedra Tawwab
    • Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents – Lindsay Gibson

    YouTube Channels:

    • Dr. Ramani (on toxic relationships & boundary setting)
    • Patrick Teahan, LICSW (on emotional neglect & healing)
    • The Holistic Psychologist (on nervous system regulation)

    Closing Reflection

    This trigger isn’t proof of brokenness—it’s proof that a wound is ready to be seen, felt, and healed.

    The next time someone’s inconsiderate behavior makes you feel invisible, powerless, or enraged, pause. You’re not that child anymore. You are safe now. And you can choose how to respond.

    👉 What about you?

    Does this resonate? Have you noticed certain behaviors that trigger you deeply? Share your experiences in the comments—I’d love to hear your thoughts.

    Read next: Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child)

  • Why Your Child’s Whining Feels Overwhelming—And How to Respond with Calm and Care

    Your child whines—again.
    Your whole body tenses. You feel irritated, overwhelmed, numb. Instead of responding with nurturing care, you find yourself shutting down or wanting to make it stop as quickly as possible.

    If this happens to you, it’s not because you’re a bad parent. It’s because your nervous system is perceiving distress as a threat—rather than a call for connection. And if you grew up with childhood emotional neglect (CEN), this reaction is deeply wired into you.

    But here’s the good news: you can change it.

    This article will help you understand:

    • Why whining feels unbearable to your nervous system
    • The childhood patterns shaping your reaction
    • How to shift from shutdown to attunement
    • Exercises, prompts, and resources to help you respond with calm and care

    Why Whining Feels Like a Threat to the CEN Mother’s Nervous System

    1. If No One Responded to Your Distress, Your Brain Learned to Tune It Out

    As a child, when you felt sad, frustrated, or needy, how did the adults around you respond?

    • Were you comforted, heard, and validated?
    • Or were you told to stop crying, toughen up, or be quiet?

    If your distress was dismissed, your nervous system learned:
    ❌ Big emotions don’t lead to connection—they lead to rejection or discomfort.
    ❌ Expressing distress doesn’t get needs met—it makes things worse.
    ❌ The safest response is to numb out, shut down, or ignore it.

    Now, when your child expresses distress—through whining, crying, or clinging—your nervous system automatically reacts as if it\’s something to be ignored or escaped rather than attuned to.

    💡 Healing Step:
    Pause and whisper to yourself:
    \”My child’s distress is not dangerous. They are not rejecting me. This is a chance to give them what I needed.\”

    2. You Were Taught That Needs Are Irritating, Not Important

    If your caregivers saw emotional needs as annoying, burdensome, or excessive, you might have absorbed that belief too.

    🔹 As a child: You may have learned to suppress your needs to avoid rejection.

    🔹 As a mother: Your child’s whining might trigger an old subconscious belief:
    \”Needs are overwhelming. I can’t handle this. They should stop.\”

    💡 Healing Step:
    Try re-framing whining:
    Instead of: \”Why won’t they stop?\”
    Say: \”They are reaching out for help in the only way they know how.\”

    A whining child isn’t manipulating you—they’re struggling to regulate their emotions and looking to you for help.

    3. Your Nervous System Is Stuck in Survival Mode

    When a child whines, a regulated adult hears:
    \”I need something.\”

    But if you have unresolved emotional neglect, your nervous system may hear:
    \”This is too much. I can’t handle this. I need to shut down.\”

    🔹 Whining activates the fight-flight-freeze response.

    • Fight: You snap, “Stop whining!” or get angry.
    • Flight: You mentally check out, scroll your phone, or feel the urge to walk away.
    • Freeze: You feel numb, dissociated, or unable to respond.

    This isn’t a conscious choice—it’s a trauma response from a nervous system that never learned how to co-regulate distress.

    💡 Healing Step:
    When whining triggers you, try this:
    1️⃣ Place your hand on your chest.
    2️⃣ Take a deep breath and lengthen the exhale.
    3️⃣ Say to yourself: \”This is my child. I am safe. I can handle this.\”
    4️⃣ Soften your face and voice before responding.

    This interrupts the stress response and re-trains your nervous system to see distress as a cue for connection—not a threat.

    How to Shift from Shutdown to Nurturing Care

    1. Use “Whining Translations” to Reframe the Situation

    When whining triggers you, try to decode the underlying need:

    ❌ \”Stop whining!\” → ✅ \”You’re struggling to say what you need. Let’s figure it out together.\”
    ❌ \”Why do you always do this?\” → ✅ \”I see you need something. Let’s slow down.\”

    This shifts your inner dialogue from irritation → curiosity, making it easier to respond with care.

    2. Give Yourself What You Never Got

    If whining feels unbearable, it’s often because your own childhood distress wasn’t met with care.

    Try this Inner Reparenting Visualization:
    🌿 Close your eyes. Imagine your younger self whining or crying.
    🌿 Picture your adult self kneeling beside her.
    🌿 What does she need? How would you comfort her?
    🌿 Now, imagine giving that same response to your child.

    3. Regulate First, Respond Second

    When whining triggers shutdown, dissociation, or frustration, regulate yourself before responding.

    ✅ Grounding Touch: Hold something cold (ice cube, water bottle) to re-engage your body.
    ✅ Breathwork: Inhale for 4 seconds, exhale for 6 seconds.
    ✅ Anchor in the Present: Wiggle your toes and remind yourself: \”This is not my childhood. I can choose a different response.\”

    Once you are regulated, your child will feel safer and whine less.

    Printable Cheat Sheet: “From Triggered to Attuned – Quick Guide for Whining Moments”

    A downloadable, one-page reference guide with simple, actionable steps to keep on hand:

    Download guide for free

    Partner or Co-Parenting Strategies

    Many CEN parents struggle to voice their needs—which can lead to feeling alone in handling emotional situations with their child. Here’s how to involve a partner or co-parent in a way that feels supportive rather than critical.

    💡 Conversation Starter:
    ➡ “I’ve realized that whining really triggers me, and I want to respond with more calm and connection. Can we work together on this?”

    🔹 Divide & Support: If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to step away and have your partner step in.
    🔹 Create a Tag-Team Plan: Agree on a signal for when one of you needs a moment to regulate.
    🔹 Practice Together: Role-play responding to whining in a calm, connected way when you’re both relaxed.

    Q&A: Common Struggles & How to Shift Them

    ❓ What if I’m too overwhelmed to respond calmly?
    ➡ Take a sensory break. Tell your child, \”I need a minute, then I can help.\” Step into another room, breathe, and reset.

    ❓ What if whining makes me feel completely numb?
    ➡ Try movement. Shake out your hands, stretch, or tap your body to reawaken your nervous system.

    ❓ What if I feel guilty for struggling with this?
    ➡ Guilt means you care. Healing takes time. Self-compassion is part of the process.

    Books & Resources for Healing

    📖 \”Running on Empty\” – Dr. Jonice Webb (Healing childhood emotional neglect)
    📖 \”Good Inside\” – Dr. Becky Kennedy (Regulating emotions in parenting)
    📖 \”The Awakened Family\” – Dr. Shefali Tsabary (Breaking generational cycles in parenting)

    Final Thoughts: You Can Rewire This Response

    Your child’s whining isn’t a threat—it’s an invitation.

    An invitation to break old cycles.
    An invitation to give your child what you never got.
    An invitation to heal your own nervous system—one moment at a time.

    Healing from CEN doesn’t happen overnight. But with awareness, compassion, and practice, you can rewire your response—turning shutdown into connection.

    Does this resonate with you?

    Have you struggled with whining as a trigger? What helps you stay present and calm? Share your thoughts in the comments—I’d love to hear from you!