Healing the Void: From CEN to Wholeness, A Psychological and Seasonal Journey

Author: moonmina55

  • The Unexpected Challenges of Motherhood: A Dark Night of the Soul

    Motherhood arrives like a tide, reshaping everything in its wake. You expected sleepless nights, endless feedings, and tender moments—but not this deep, aching sense of loss. The feeling of standing at the edge of yourself, looking for the woman you once were.

    You love your child fiercely, but somewhere along the way, you have disappeared.

    If this resonates, you are not alone. Many mothers experience a Dark Night of the Soul—a painful but profound transformation. This is not just exhaustion. It is an identity shift, a confrontation with buried wounds, and an invitation to rediscover yourself.

    Let’s explore why this happens, the psychological frameworks that can help, and how to find your way through.

    The Dark Night of the Soul in Motherhood: A Spiritual and Psychological Shift

    The Dark Night of the Soul, a term from the 16th-century mystic St. John of the Cross, describes a period of deep inner struggle where old identities fall away, leaving space for a more authentic self to emerge.

    For mothers, this often looks like:

    • Feeling disconnected from your old self.
    • Longing for freedom, spontaneity, or creative expression.
    • Feeling guilt for not always enjoying motherhood.
    • Resentment toward the relentless demands of caregiving.
    • A sense of isolation, even in a full household.

    These feelings are not a failure of love—they are part of a transformation.

    Psychologists now recognize this shift as Matrescence, the process of becoming a mother, which is just as disorienting as adolescence.

    Matrescence: Why Motherhood Feels Like an Identity Crisis

    What Is Matrescence?

    Coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael (1975), matrescence describes the physical, emotional, and psychological transformation that happens when a woman becomes a mother. Unlike the abrupt shifts of puberty, matrescence can last for years.

    A study by Saxbe et al. (2018) found that pregnancy and early motherhood literally rewire the brain, strengthening neural circuits related to caregiving while temporarily reducing areas linked to self-focus. This helps mothers attune to their babies—but can also explain why many feel they’ve lost themselves.

    How to Work with Matrescence Instead of Against It

    Instead of resisting this transformation, embrace it with gentle self-inquiry:

    • What parts of me feel lost, and which parts are simply changing?
    • How can I honor my needs while caring for my child?
    • What new strengths am I discovering in myself?

    → Journaling Exercise:
    Write a letter to your pre-motherhood self. Describe what has changed, what you grieve, and what you have gained. Then, write a response from your future self—someone who has integrated motherhood and selfhood in a way that feels whole.

    The Heroine’s Journey: A Psychological Framework for Motherhood

    What Is the Heroine’s Journey?

    In The Heroine’s Journey (1990), Maureen Murdock describes a path distinct from the traditional hero’s quest. While the hero battles external enemies, the heroine’s journey is internal—a descent into self-discovery and integration.

    How Motherhood Mirrors the Heroine’s Journey

    1. Separation from the Old Self

    • You begin motherhood with expectations—often shaped by culture, family, or social media.
    • The early months bring exhaustion, identity shifts, and the realization that motherhood is not what you imagined.

    2. The Dark Night of the Soul (Crisis & Identity Loss)

    • This is where many mothers struggle. The exhaustion, the loss of autonomy, the pressure to do everything \”right.\”
    • Childhood wounds resurface, especially if you grew up with emotional neglect (CEN) or insecure attachment. → Reflective Exercise:
      Ask yourself: What did I crave most as a child? How can I give this to myself now? If you longed for gentleness, for example, how can you create moments of softness in your daily life?

    If you find journaling helpful and would like to dive deeper, explore this guide with 30+ prompts.

    3. Meeting the Shadow (Facing Buried Wounds & Expectations)

    • Many mothers over-schedule themselves to avoid emotions.
    • Cultural narratives (“good mothers are selfless”) clash with the need for self-care. → Practical Step:
      Make a “No Longer List”—things you will no longer do in order to reclaim space for yourself. Example: I will no longer apologize for needing rest. I will no longer say yes out of guilt.

    4. Integration & Self-Reclamation

    • Slowly, you rebuild your sense of self—not as who you were before, but as someone stronger, deeper, and more whole.
    • You learn to mother yourself as well as your child.

    Polyvagal Theory: Why Motherhood Feels Overwhelming

    How Your Nervous System Responds to Stress

    According to Dr. Stephen Porges (1994), the nervous system has three main states:

    • Ventral Vagal (Safe & Connected) → Feeling present, open, emotionally available.
    • Sympathetic (Fight-or-Flight) → Feeling anxious, overwhelmed, overstimulated.
    • Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown/Freeze) → Feeling numb, disconnected, running on autopilot.

    Many mothers oscillate between fight-or-flight and shutdown, leading to exhaustion.

    How to Regulate Your Nervous System

    → Grounding Exercise:

    • Place a hand over your heart.
    • Inhale deeply for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 6.
    • Whisper to yourself, I am safe. I am allowed to rest.

    → Physical Self-Regulation:

    • Humming or singing (activates the vagus nerve).
    • Swaying or rocking (mimics the soothing movement of being held).
    • Warmth (a warm cup of tea, a bath, a blanket).

    Practical Self-Care for the Mother Who Feels Lost

    1. Micro-Restoration Practices (Tiny Acts of Self-Reclamation)

    • 2-minute sensory reset: Close your eyes, inhale a familiar scent (lavender, citrus), and notice how your body responds.
    • Drink your tea while it\’s hot. (It sounds simple, but how often do you let it go cold?)
    • Reclaim a 5-minute daily ritual. (Reading, stretching, journaling, lighting a candle.)

    2. Emotional Nourishment

    • Say \”Yes\” to help. Let someone else hold the baby while you rest.
    • Seek out other mothers who “get it.” Motherhood was never meant to be done alone.

    Stories from Mothers Who Have Been There

    Emma, 34: “I thought losing my freedom would be the hardest part of motherhood. But really, it was losing myself. I started writing poetry again, just five minutes a day. It reminded me that I still exist outside of motherhood.”

    Maya, 29: “I realized I was filling my schedule so I wouldn’t have to sit with my emotions. I thought being busy meant being productive. But slowing down was what I actually needed.”

    A Letter to the Mother Who Feels Lost

    Dear woman,

    I see you. I see the exhaustion, the quiet grief, the depth of your love, the intensity of your pain.

    You are not broken. You are becoming.

    One day, you will look back and see that you did not disappear in motherhood—you were remade.

    With love,
    A fellow traveler, once surrounded by darkness

    • Murdock, M. (1990). The Heroine’s Journey: Woman’s Quest for Wholeness. Shambhala Publications. Overview of the Heroine\’s Journey
    • Porges, S. W. (1995). \”Orienting in a defensive world: Mammalian modifications of our evolutionary heritage. A Polyvagal Theory.\” Psychophysiology, 32(4), 301-318. Polyvagal Theory Overview
    • Raphael, D. (1975). The Tender Gift: Breastfeeding. Schocken Books.
    • Saxbe, D., Golan, O., & Moses-Kolko, E. L. (2018). \”Neurobiological adaptations to motherhood: Implications for parental behavior.\” Current Opinion in Psychology, 15, 26-32.
    • St. John of the Cross (1578). Dark Night of the Soul.
    • Winnicott, D. W. (1960). \”The theory of the parent-infant relationship.\” International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 41, 585-595.

    Comment & Connect

    What part of this resonated with you? How have you navigated the unexpected challenges of motherhood? Share in the comments—I’d love to hear your story.

    Prepared for a deeper exploration of the maiden to mother transition?Check out the following guide. 

    Looking for a transformational book? See why Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood is an excellent choice.

  • From Maiden to Mother: A Journaling Guide for Embracing the Transition

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    The journey into motherhood is more than a life change—it is a transformation. It is a rite of passage, an unraveling, a deep and irreversible shift in identity. The transition from maiden to mother is both tender and tumultuous, filled with loss, discovery, and redefinition.

    Many of us enter motherhood unprepared for the emotional and psychological shifts it demands. We expect exhaustion, but not the loneliness. We anticipate love, but not the loss of self. We long to be good mothers, yet often feel disconnected from our own intuition.

    This guide offers a path to navigate these changes with self-awareness, reflection, and intention. Through journaling, you will explore the three stages of this transition: separation (letting go of the maiden), liminality (the in-between), and incorporation (embracing the mother).

    Why Journaling Helps with the Maiden to Mother Transition

    Motherhood often stirs emotions from our own childhood wounds, attachment patterns, and unmet needs. Journaling offers a way to witness, process, and integrate these shifts, helping us to step into motherhood with more clarity and confidence.

    Research shows that expressive writing can reduce anxiety, improve emotional regulation, and even help rewire negative thought patterns (Pennebaker & Smyth, 2016). When we put our thoughts on paper, we engage the brain’s problem-solving center, making it easier to release fears, uncover insights, and create meaning.

    Journaling Prompts for Navigating the Transition into Motherhood

    Each of these prompts is designed to help you honor your past self, sit with your emotions, and fully step into your new role.

    1. Separation: Letting Go of the Maiden

    The maiden phase represents freedom, self-exploration, and independence. The transition into motherhood often involves grieving parts of this identity. These prompts help you process this shift:

    • What parts of my old life do I grieve the most?
    • How have my priorities shifted since becoming a mother?
    • What fears do I have about losing myself in motherhood?
    • How do I feel when I see other women without children living freely?
    • What expectations about motherhood have I had to let go of?
    • How can I honor my past self while still embracing my future?
    • What does my maiden self need to hear from me?

    2. Liminal Phase: The In-Between

    This is the messy middle—the place of transformation where the old self has dissolved, but the new self has not fully emerged. This phase often stirs uncertainty, raw emotions, and childhood wounds.

    • What emotions come up when I slow down and sit in stillness?
    • How do I fill my time to avoid facing uncomfortable feelings?
    • What childhood wounds are resurfacing as I navigate motherhood?
    • How do I react when my child expresses emotions I was never allowed to express?
    • In what ways has my inner child been reawakened?
    • What patterns from my own upbringing am I unconsciously repeating?
    • If I could speak to my future, wiser self, what advice would she give me?

    3. Incorporation: Embracing the Mother Archetype

    In this phase, you begin to integrate your new identity as a mother. You may still feel moments of loss, but a deeper sense of purpose, strength, and intuition is emerging. These prompts help you embrace this transformation:

    • What kind of mother do I truly want to be?
    • What strengths have I gained that I didn’t have before?
    • How can I create space to nurture myself while nurturing others?
    • What aspects of motherhood bring me the most joy?
    • How can I reconnect with my intuition and trust myself more?
    • What small daily ritual can I create to honor this transition?
    • If I fully embraced the mother archetype, what would change in my life?

    4. Additional Prompts for Deeper Reflection

    These prompts dive even deeper into self-discovery, healing, and personal growth.

    • How do I feel when I hear the phrase “good mother”?
    • What is the biggest lesson motherhood is teaching me right now?
    • In what moments do I feel most connected to my child?
    • What unmet needs from my childhood am I now aware of?
    • What is my relationship with rest and slowing down?
    • How do I talk to myself on difficult motherhood days?
    • What small act of self-care would make me feel supported today?
    • What does wholeness in motherhood mean to me?
    • If my child could describe me in three words, what would I want them to say?

    How to Use These Prompts

    • Write freely—let your thoughts flow without judgment.
    • Revisit prompts that bring up strong emotions, as they may hold deeper insight.
    • Use voice notes or typed reflections if writing by hand feels overwhelming.
    • Incorporate rituals (like tea, candles, or quiet time) to create a sacred journaling space.

    Free Download: Your Journaling Companion

    To make your journaling journey easier, I’ve created a PDF version of these prompts in soft, grounding colors. You can print it out or keep it on your phone for daily reflection.

    → Download the Maiden to Mother Journaling Prompts PDF

    Download PDF for free

    Final Thoughts

    The transition from maiden to mother is not something you simply get through—it is a profound metamorphosis. It is an unraveling, a reshaping, a homecoming to a deeper version of yourself. Through reflection and intentionality, you can navigate this passage with more grace, awareness, and self-compassion.

    Which prompt resonated with you the most? Have you experienced moments of identity shift in motherhood? Share your reflections in the comments—I’d love to hear from you!

    Q&A: Common Struggles in the Maiden-to-Mother Transition

    1. What if I don’t feel like a mother yet?

    It’s normal. The shift is gradual, and part of you may still feel like the Maiden, resisting full transformation. Journaling and rituals can help you soften into this new identity.

    2. Why does motherhood bring up so many childhood wounds?

    Our children mirror back our own unmet needs. When we struggle with connection, boundaries, or emotional availability, it’s often linked to our earliest experiences with attachment.

    3. I feel overwhelmed and disconnected from myself. What can I do?

    Try writing a \”self-connection\” letter: If you could speak to your deepest self, what would you say? What does she need? This helps bridge the disconnection.

    4. How can I stop over-scheduling and truly connect with my child?

    Ask yourself:

    • \”Am I doing this to create memories or avoid emotions?\”
    • \”Do I feel uncomfortable when there’s nothing planned?\”
      If the answer is yes, experiment with pausing, even for small moments, to sit in stillness with your child.

    5. I feel like I’ve lost my individuality. How can I balance motherhood and selfhood?

    Journaling helps, but so does creating space—even in small ways. What’s one 5-minute ritual that connects you to yourself?

    6. What if I don’t like who I’m becoming?

    Growth is uncomfortable. But within discomfort lies transformation. Write down three things you admire about yourself as a mother.

    7. Can I still keep parts of my Maiden self alive?

    Yes! The Maiden never truly disappears—she evolves. What Maiden traits (creativity, adventure, spontaneity) can you bring into motherhood in a way that feels nourishing?

    Prepared for a deeper exploration of the maiden to mother transition?Check out the following guide.

    Looking for a transformational book? See why Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood is an excellent choice.

  • Leaning into the Mother Archetype: Healing CEN and CPTSD Patterns of Avoidance

    Content

    1. Introduction – The hidden struggle of embracing motherhood when CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect) or CPTSD is present.
    2. Why It Happens – Psychological roots (attachment wounds, fear of intimacy, avoidance coping).
    3. How It Manifests – Over-scheduling, perfectionism, emotional distance disguised as busyness.
    4. Breaking the Cycle – Awareness, nervous system regulation, mindful connection.
    5. Practical Steps – Gentle strategies to reconnect with our children (without overwhelming guilt).
    6. FAQs & Common Fears – Addressing doubts, resistance, and self-compassion.

    Introduction: The Hidden Struggle to Fully Step Into Motherhood

    Motherhood calls for deep presence, but when we carry unprocessed childhood wounds, that presence can feel threatening. Instead of feeling at home in the nurturing role, we may find ourselves filling the days with tasks, routines, and distractions—anything to keep from truly meeting our child’s emotional world (and our own).

    For many with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) or Complex PTSD (CPTSD), mothering stirs up old attachment wounds. The archetype of \”mother\” may feel foreign, unfamiliar, or even unsafe. Not because we don’t love our children, but because deep emotional connection is something we were never modeled.

    But healing is possible. Recognizing the pattern is the first step toward breaking it.

    Why It Happens: The Psychological Roots of Avoidance in Motherhood

    1. The Attachment Connection

    If we grew up with emotionally unavailable caregivers, we learned that connection wasn’t safe or predictable. This creates:

    • Avoidant attachment (keeping emotional distance to prevent pain).
    • Anxious attachment (seeking closeness but fearing rejection).
    • Disorganized attachment (fluctuating between the two, feeling overwhelmed).

    ➡️ When we become mothers, these patterns re-emerge. Real intimacy with our children can feel both deeply wanted and subtly threatening.

    2. The Nervous System Response: Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn

    CPTSD shapes how we regulate stress:

    • Flight response → Over-scheduling, filling the day with activities, staying constantly \”productive.\”
    • Freeze response → Feeling emotionally shut down, exhausted, or numb in parenting moments.
    • Fawn response → Over-giving, saying yes to everything to avoid inner discomfort.

    ➡️ We may not realize we\’re \”fleeing\” real connection—because busyness feels productive, even responsible.

    3. The Fear of Being Fully Seen

    Being emotionally present with a child means being seen in our most vulnerable state—without distractions, achievements, or roles to hide behind. If we weren’t nurtured this way as children, this level of openness can feel unbearable.

    ➡️ The subconscious belief: “If I slow down and just be with my child, what painful feelings will come up?”

    How This Manifests: Over-Scheduling as a Coping Mechanism

    If we don’t feel emotionally safe in deep connection, we may unconsciously:

    • Fill the calendar with activities, playdates, and outings to avoid stillness.
    • Hyper-focus on tasks (cleaning, organizing, meal planning) instead of presence.
    • Prioritize \”structured\” interactions (teaching, guiding, correcting) over open-ended play and emotional attunement.
    • Feel overwhelmed or irritated when our child needs comfort, slowness, or co-regulation.

    ➡️ The cycle: The more we stay busy, the more distant we feel—reinforcing guilt, disconnection, and stress.

    Breaking the Cycle: Awareness and Nervous System Regulation

    1. Naming the Pattern Without Shame

    Recognizing this dynamic without self-blame is key. This is not about “bad parenting” but about unconscious survival strategies that can be gently unlearned.

    ➡️ Try this reflection:
    \”What happens in my body when I imagine sitting with my child with no agenda—just presence? Do I feel discomfort, restlessness, or numbness?\”

    2. Learning to Sit With Stillness

    Start with tiny moments of presence:

    • 5 minutes of fully attuned eye contact while playing.
    • One bedtime where you simply sit beside them without rushing.
    • Noticing the impulse to “fill time” and pausing before acting on it.

    ➡️ Healing connection is built in micro-moments, not grand gestures.

    3. Nervous System Regulation for Co-Regulation

    To connect with our children, we must first feel safe in our own bodies. Try:

    • Breathwork: Lengthening exhales to downregulate stress.
    • Grounding: Placing a hand on your heart when feeling distant.
    • Somatic release: Shaking out tension, stretching, or tapping before engaging.

    ➡️ When our system feels safe, presence stops feeling like a threat.

    4. Reparenting Ourselves as We Parent

    If we never received warm, attuned mothering, it\’s hard to give what we didn’t get. But we can reparent ourselves along the way:

    • Offering ourselves the same words of comfort we offer our children.
    • Holding space for our own emotions with self-compassion.
    • Recognizing that every act of slowing down is a form of healing, not just for our children, but for our inner child too.

    Practical Steps: Gentle Ways to Build True Connection

    1. The \”5-Minute Experiment\” – Set a timer and commit to 5 minutes of undistracted, agenda-free play. Notice what emotions come up.
    2. The \”Pause Before Yes\” Practice – Before agreeing to another activity, ask: \”Is this truly for my child, or am I avoiding something?\”
    3. Mirror and Name Emotions – Practice naming your child’s feelings (\”You’re frustrated\”) while also acknowledging your own (\”I feel restless\”).
    4. Schedule Downtime as Sacred – Block out time for nothingness—no plans, just being.
    5. Self-Soothing Before Soothing – When your child is upset, take one deep breath before responding. This models calm regulation.

    FAQs: Common Fears and Blocks

    1. “What if I don’t feel emotionally close to my child?”

    Closeness isn’t just a feeling—it’s a practice. Start with physical proximity, eye contact, and play before expecting deep emotions to arise.

    2. “I feel guilty for avoiding connection. How do I forgive myself?”

    Your brain and body learned these patterns for survival. You’re not failing—you’re healing. Guilt is a sign you care, not a sign you’re failing.

    3. “How do I stop over-scheduling when I genuinely want my child to have opportunities?”

    Structure is great—but ask: \”Is this for their joy, or my avoidance?\” Allow pockets of unstructured time to exist.

    4. “What if presence feels overwhelming?”

    Start small. One moment at a time. Healing attachment wounds isn’t instant, but every micro-moment of connection rewires the nervous system.

    Share your thoughts!

    Does any of this resonate with you? Have you noticed over-scheduling creeping into your life as a parent? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments. Let’s support each other on this journey toward deeper, more authentic connection.

  • Weeds as Allies: How to Use Wild Plants to Feed Your Soil and Read Its Needs

    Weeds are often seen as intruders, unwelcome guests in the carefully tended spaces of our gardens. Yet, if we listen closely, they have stories to tell—of depleted soil, of hidden nutrients, of imbalances waiting to be set right. Instead of waging war against them, we can learn from their presence and use them to enrich the very earth they grow from.

    This guide will explore the wisdom weeds offer, how they reveal soil health, and how to transform them into powerful natural fertilizers using fermented teas and the chop-and-drop method.

    What Weeds Reveal About Your Soil

    Weeds do not appear at random. They grow where conditions favor them, serving as indicators of soil health and fertility. Here are some common weeds and what they tell us:

    1. Nitrogen-Rich Soil

    • Weeds: Stinging nettle (Urtica dioica), chickweed (Stellaria media), lamb’s quarters (Chenopodium album)
    • What it means: Your soil is rich in nitrogen, often due to decomposing organic matter or previous fertilization.

    2. Nitrogen-Poor or Compacted Soil

    • Weeds: Clover (Trifolium spp.), vetch (Vicia spp.), plantain (Plantago major)
    • What it means: The soil is compacted and lacks available nitrogen. Clover and vetch fix nitrogen, helping to restore balance.

    3. Acidic Soil

    • Weeds: Sorrel (Rumex spp.), dandelion (Taraxacum officinale), hawkweed (Hieracium spp.)
    • What it means: Your soil is too acidic, possibly due to excessive rain or lack of lime. Adding crushed eggshells, wood ash, or agricultural lime can help.

    4. Alkaline Soil

    • Weeds: Mustard (Sinapis spp.), chamomile (Matricaria spp.), thistles (Cirsium spp.)
    • What it means: Your soil is too alkaline. Adding acidic organic matter like pine needles or peat moss can help balance pH.

    5. Poor, Dry, or Eroded Soil

    • Weeds: Yarrow (Achillea millefolium), mullein (Verbascum thapsus), Queen Anne’s lace (Daucus carota)
    • What it means: Your soil is depleted and needs organic matter. Mulching and adding compost can help restore moisture and fertility.

    Weed-Based Fertilizer Teas: Simple Recipes for Plant Nutrition

    Weed teas extract nutrients from plants, making them available for your garden in a potent liquid form. These teas are rich in nitrogen, potassium, phosphorus, and trace minerals—everything your plants need to thrive.

    How to Make and Use Weed Teas

    • Fermentation time: 1-2 weeks
    • Strain out solids and apply directly to soil. 
    • Dilute with water (1:10 ratio) if spraying on leaves.

    1. Nettle Tea: A Nitrogen Powerhouse

    • Best for: Leafy greens, heavy feeders (tomatoes, squash, brassicas)
    • Recipe:
    • Fill a bucket halfway with fresh nettles.
    • Cover with water, leaving some space at the top.
    • Stir daily and let ferment for 1-2 weeks.
    • Strain and dilute 1:10 if applying to leaves.

    2. Comfrey Tea: Boosting Flowers and Fruits

    • Best for: Flowering and fruiting plants (tomatoes, peppers, berries)
    • Recipe:
    • Chop comfrey leaves and pack them into a bucket.
    • Fill with water and ferment for 2 weeks.
    • Strain and dilute 1:10 if applying to leaves.

    3. Dandelion Tea: Micronutrient Boost

    • Best for: General soil enrichment, root vegetables
    • Recipe:
    • Gather dandelion leaves, roots, and flowers.
    • Chop and soak in water for 1 week.
    • Strain and dilute if applying to leaves.

    4. Yarrow Tea: Strengthening Plant Immunity

    • Best for: Pest-prone plants, overall soil health
    • Recipe:
    • Crush fresh yarrow leaves and steep in water for 1-2 weeks.
    • Strain and dilute 1:10 before spraying onto leaves.

    Chop-and-Drop: Feeding the Soil in Place

    The chop-and-drop method mimics nature’s way of recycling nutrients—by letting plants decompose where they fall.

    How to Use Chop-and-Drop Effectively:

    1. Choose Weeds Wisely: Use nitrogen-rich plants like clover, comfrey, or chickweed for immediate nourishment. Avoid seeding weeds unless you plan to dry them first.
    2. Chop Finely: Cut weeds into smaller pieces to speed decomposition.
    3. Apply as Mulch: Spread the chopped plants around crops as a protective layer.
    4. Let Nature Work: Over time, the weeds break down, improving soil fertility and structure.

    🌿 Tip: Chop-and-drop works exceptionally well in food forests, permaculture gardens, and no-till systems.

    Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

    1. Will weed tea attract pests?

    Fermenting weeds can create a strong smell, but once diluted and applied, it won’t attract pests.

    2. Can I use any weeds for fertilizer?

    Most weeds work well, but avoid toxic plants like poison hemlock.

    3. How often should I apply weed tea?

    Every 2-3 weeks during the growing season is ideal.

    4. Is there a best time of day to apply weed tea?

    Early morning or late afternoon to prevent leaf burn.

    5. Can I mix different weed teas?

    Yes! Combining nettle and comfrey creates a balanced fertilizer.

    6. Will chop-and-drop spread more weeds?

    If you use weeds before they go to seed, this won’t be an issue.

    7. How can I improve the breakdown of chop-and-drop mulch?

    Adding a layer of compost or watering with compost tea speeds decomposition.

    Conclusion: Learning from Weeds, Growing with Nature

    Weeds are not enemies; they are messengers and allies. They tell us about our soil’s health, provide us with rich fertilizers, and help build sustainable gardens. By embracing weed teas and chop-and-drop mulching, we can work with nature instead of against it—nurturing the soil, supporting plant life, and restoring balance.

    🌿 What weeds do you use in your garden? Share your experiences below!

  • Why You Should Avoid Store-Bought Fertilizers and Embrace Natural Alternatives

    In the quiet rhythm of nature, soil is not just dirt—it is a living, breathing world, teeming with organisms that nourish the plants we rely on. Yet, modern agriculture and gardening have often disrupted this balance with the widespread use of synthetic fertilizers. These chemical shortcuts may seem to offer quick solutions, but they come at a cost: degraded soil, polluted waterways, and weakened plants.

    By understanding the hidden dangers of synthetic fertilizers and embracing natural alternatives, we can cultivate richer soil, healthier plants, and a more sustainable future.

    The Hidden Dangers of Synthetic Fertilizers

    1. Soil Degradation and Loss of Organic Matter

    Store-bought fertilizers primarily supply macronutrients—nitrogen (N), phosphorus (P), and potassium (K)—but neglect the organic matter essential for soil health. Over time, this depletion leads to compacted, lifeless soil with poor water retention and diminished fertility.

    🔍 Research Insight: A long-term study published in Soil Biology and Biochemistry found that chemical fertilizers significantly reduced soil organic carbon and microbial diversity, leading to degraded soil structure and lower resilience to drought.

    2. Disruption of Soil Microbial Communities

    Healthy soil is an intricate web of fungi, bacteria, and other microorganisms that break down organic matter and make nutrients available to plants. The harsh salts and concentrated nutrients in synthetic fertilizers can disrupt these microbial communities, reducing soil biodiversity and natural fertility.

    🔍 Research Insight: A 2022 study in Applied Soil Ecology found that long-term use of synthetic fertilizers caused a decline in beneficial soil bacteria and mycorrhizal fungi, reducing plants\’ ability to absorb nutrients naturally.

    3. Environmental Pollution and Ecosystem Damage

    Excess fertilizer doesn’t just stay in the soil—it washes away with rain, contaminating rivers and lakes. High nitrogen levels cause eutrophication, leading to oxygen-depleted \”dead zones\” in aquatic ecosystems, where fish and other wildlife cannot survive. Additionally, nitrogen fertilizers release nitrous oxide, a greenhouse gas nearly 300 times more potent than carbon dioxide.

    🔍 Research Insight: According to a report by the UK Parliamentary Office of Science and Technology, synthetic fertilizers are responsible for 2.6% of global greenhouse gas emissions, significantly contributing to climate change.

    4. Weak, Disease-Prone Plants

    Synthetic fertilizers push plants into rapid, unnatural growth, making them more vulnerable to pests and diseases. Since these fertilizers often lack trace minerals, deficiencies can develop over time, leading to weaker plants that depend on continued chemical inputs.

    🔍 Research Insight: A study published in the Journal of Plant Nutrition found that plants grown with synthetic fertilizers had weaker cell walls and were more susceptible to fungal infections than those grown with organic compost.

    Natural Fertilizers: Sustainable Alternatives That Work

    Instead of relying on synthetic inputs, we can nourish the soil and support plant health with natural fertilizers. These alternatives not only provide essential nutrients but also improve soil structure, retain moisture, and encourage beneficial microbes.

    1. Compost: The Ultimate Soil Conditioner

    Compost is a slow-release fertilizer rich in organic matter, beneficial microbes, and a full spectrum of nutrients. Unlike synthetic fertilizers, it improves soil structure and moisture retention while feeding the entire soil ecosystem.

    📝 DIY Compost Recipe:

    • Ingredients: Kitchen scraps (vegetable peels, coffee grounds), dried leaves, grass clippings, eggshells

    • Instructions:
    1. Layer green materials (nitrogen-rich) and brown materials (carbon-rich) in a compost bin or pile.
    2. Keep the pile moist but not soggy.
    3. Turn it every few weeks to aerate.
    4. In 3-6 months, you’ll have dark, crumbly compost ready for your garden.

    🛠 Application: Mix into garden beds or use as a mulch around plants.

    2. Compost Tea: A Liquid Fertilizer for a Quick Boost

    Compost tea extracts beneficial microbes and nutrients from compost into liquid form, making them readily available to plants.

    📝 DIY Compost Tea Recipe:

    • Ingredients: 1 part compost, 5 parts water

    • Instructions:
    1. Soak compost in water for 24-48 hours, stirring occasionally.
    2. Strain out solids and apply directly to soil.
    3. Dilute with water (1:10 ratio) if spraying on leaves.

    3. Nettle Tea: A Natural Growth Stimulant

    Nettles are rich in nitrogen, iron, and minerals that promote healthy foliage and strong roots.

    📝 DIY Nettle Tea Recipe:

    • Ingredients: Fresh nettles, water

    • Instructions:
    1. Fill a bucket halfway with fresh nettles and cover with water.
    2. Let it ferment for 1-2 weeks, stirring daily.
    3. Strain the liquid.
    4. Dilute 1:10 before spraying on leaves.

    🌿Pro tip: You can make such teas out of most weeds that grow in your garden. Or you can use the chop-and-drop method. Click here to learn more.

    4. Manure: A Time-Tested Soil Enhancer

    Aged animal manure (from cows, horses, or chickens) is an excellent source of nitrogen and organic matter.

    📝 How to Use Manure:

    • Fresh manure: Compost for at least 6 months to prevent burning plants.
    • Aged manure: Work directly into garden beds in fall or early spring.

    5. Sourdough Starter: Microbial Soil Enhancer

    Sourdough starter contains beneficial yeasts and bacteria that can improve soil microbiology and plant resilience.

    📝 DIY Sourdough Fertilizer:

    • Ingredients: Discarded sourdough starter, water

    • Instructions:
    1. Mix 1 part starter with 10 parts water.
    2. Let it sit for 12 hours.

    🛠 Application: Use as a foliar spray (dilute 1:10) or pour directly into soil.

    Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

    1. Will natural fertilizers work as fast as synthetic ones?

    No, but they improve long-term soil health, leading to more resilient plants and higher yields over time.

    2. Can I mix different organic fertilizers?

    Yes! Compost, compost tea, and nettle tea work well together. Just avoid overloading nitrogen-heavy fertilizers.

    3. Is animal manure safe for all plants?

    Manure is great for heavy feeders like tomatoes and squash, but avoid using fresh manure on delicate plants.

    4. How often should I apply natural fertilizers?

    • Compost: 1-2 times per season
    • Compost tea and nettle tea: Every 2-3 weeks
    • Manure: Once per season (early spring or fall)

    Conclusion: Restoring the Natural Balance

    Synthetic fertilizers may seem like an easy fix, but they come with hidden costs—damaged soil, pollution, and weaker plants. By choosing natural alternatives like compost, manure, and herbal teas, we nourish the soil and cultivate healthier, more resilient gardens.

    Let’s grow with nature, not against it.

    🌿 What natural fertilizers have you tried? Share your experiences below!

    References

    Soil Biology and Biochemistry – Long-term effects of synthetic fertilizers on soil carbon and microbial diversity.

    Applied Soil Ecology – The impact of chemical fertilizers on soil microbiota.

    UK Parliamentary Office of Science and Technology – Greenhouse gas emissions from synthetic fertilizers.

    Journal of Plant Nutrition – Comparing plant resilience in organic vs. synthetic fertilization.

  • Healing Your Relationship with Food: Understanding Emotional Eating and Building New Habits

    Introduction: The Struggle with Food and CEN

    If you’ve ever found yourself skipping meals, relying on junk food, or simply not having the energy to nourish yourself properly, you’re not alone. Many people who have experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) struggle with poor eating habits, often without realizing how deeply their emotional history influences their relationship with food.

    Eating can sometimes feel like a chore, or worse, an emotional burden. Perhaps you eat only when you\’re absolutely starving, or maybe you avoid food altogether. These patterns are not about lack of willpower—they’re a response to deep-rooted emotional neglect. Healing this connection is crucial to restoring your sense of self-worth and your physical well-being.

    In this article, we’ll explore the connection between CEN and poor eating habits, identify potential \”errors\” in your current eating patterns, and provide compassionate guidance to help you begin healing your relationship with food. Along with that, we’ll share practical resources, including books and plant-based recipe channels, to guide your journey towards nurturing your body and soul.

    Signs of Emotional Eating and Unhealthy Habits

    Understanding that your eating habits might be influenced by emotional neglect is the first step toward healing. Below are common signs of poor eating habits:

    1. Skipping Meals or Eating Bare Minimum
      You might often skip meals or fail to prioritize eating. You may not realize it, but this is your body’s way of coping with emotional disconnection or feeling unworthy of care.
    2. Turning to Junk Food for Comfort
      Junk food may be your go-to choice, not because you enjoy it but because it offers a temporary emotional high. The sugar and fat content provide a quick dopamine boost, but this relief is fleeting and leaves you feeling worse in the long run.
    3. Eating Without Pleasure
      Eating might feel like a chore instead of something to enjoy. You may not even notice how you feel after eating—perhaps you\’re numb or disconnected from the experience.
    4. Emotional Eating or Eating to Avoid Feelings
      Emotional triggers, such as stress or sadness, may prompt you to eat, even when you\’re not physically hungry. Eating becomes a way to distract yourself from painful emotions that you’ve been taught to suppress.
    5. Lack of Connection to Food Choices
      You might not think twice about what you’re putting into your body. Perhaps you don\’t have the energy to plan meals, or you feel overwhelmed by making choices, opting for whatever is quickest and easiest.

    Understanding the Root Causes: Emotional Neglect and Disconnection from Your Body

    These patterns of emotional eating are often rooted in CEN. Childhood emotional neglect can create an environment where you were not taught to listen to your body’s needs. If your emotional needs weren’t met as a child, you may struggle to identify hunger cues or feel worthy of self-care. Over time, this lack of connection to your emotional and physical needs can manifest in disordered eating habits.

    In addition to emotional neglect, low self-worth and difficulties with self-compassion often play a role. The belief that you are undeserving of nurturing yourself may underlie your food-related struggles. In these moments, it’s important to be gentle with yourself and acknowledge that these habits developed as a means of survival, not because you are failing.

    Healing Your Relationship with Food: A Path to Self-Nurturing

    Healing from CEN requires a multi-faceted approach that reconnects you with your body’s natural signals and restores your emotional well-being. Below are some key steps to start your healing journey:

    1. Learn to Listen to Your Body
      Start by slowing down and paying attention to how food makes you feel. Are you eating because you’re physically hungry or because you’re emotionally triggered? Learning to tune into your body’s signals will help you reconnect with your physical needs.
    2. Practice Mindful Eating
      Mindful eating encourages you to savor your meals without distractions. Take time to appreciate the textures, colors, and flavors of the food you eat. This practice not only supports digestion but also helps you feel more grounded and emotionally connected.
    3. Nourish Yourself with Whole, Plant-Based Foods
      Plant-based eating is not just good for the body; it’s also a compassionate way to nurture your soul. Whole foods—such as fruits, vegetables, grains, and legumes—provide essential nutrients, help balance your mood, and can give you the energy you need to take better care of yourself.
    4. Shift from Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion
      It’s important to be kind to yourself. Emotional eating habits didn’t develop overnight, and they won’t be healed instantly. Start with small changes and celebrate every step forward, even if it’s as simple as taking a moment to enjoy your next meal or choosing a healthy snack.

    Helpful Books for Healing Your Relationship with Food

    1. \”The Emotional Eating Workbook\” by Karen R. Koenig
      This workbook offers practical tools to help you break the cycle of emotional eating. It provides exercises and strategies to help you understand the emotional triggers behind your eating habits and guide you toward a more nurturing relationship with food.
    2. \”Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program That Works\” by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch
      This classic book focuses on the practice of intuitive eating, teaching you to listen to your body\’s signals rather than following restrictive diets. It helps you rebuild trust with your body and feel empowered to make food choices that support your overall well-being.

    Recipe Channels to Support Your Healing Journey

    1. Pick Up Limes
      Sadia’s channel offers a variety of plant-based recipes that are both nourishing and easy to prepare. From nutrient-packed salads to comforting stews, Pick Up Limes teaches you how to nourish your body with whole foods that are kind to your soul.
      Channel link: Pick Up Limes on YouTube
    2. The Whole Food Plant-Based Cooking Show
      This channel is all about preparing wholesome, plant-based meals that fuel your body without compromising on taste. It’s perfect for anyone looking to create delicious and healthy meals with simple ingredients.
      Channel link: The Whole Food Plant-Based Cooking Show

    Other Resources for Healing and Self-Compassion

    1. Mindful Eating with Dr. Susan Albers
      Dr. Albers offers mindfulness strategies that help you build a healthier relationship with food. Her techniques can help you become more aware of emotional eating triggers and cultivate a mindful approach to nourishment.
      Channel link: Mindful Eating with Dr. Susan Albers
    2. Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff
      Kristin Neff’s website offers free guided meditations and exercises that focus on building self-compassion. These resources are essential in the healing process, especially for those who struggle with feelings of unworthiness related to their eating habits.
      Website link: Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff

    Practical Tips for Overcoming Specific Barriers:

    Barrier 1: Lack of Time
    If you feel like there’s never enough time to cook nourishing meals, start small. A simple way to make time for healthy eating is to batch cook or meal prep at the start of the week. Prepare a few key ingredients (e.g., quinoa, roasted vegetables, grains) and store them in the fridge. This way, you can assemble quick meals throughout the week without the pressure of cooking from scratch every day.

    Quick Meal Ideas for Busy Days:

    • Veggie and Hummus Wraps: Use whole grain wraps, fresh veggies, and a scoop of hummus for a nutrient-packed lunch.
    • One-Pan Roasted Veggies with a Grain: Toss your favorite veggies with olive oil, salt, pepper, and herbs, then roast them with cooked quinoa or rice.
    • Smoothie Bowls: Blend frozen fruit, spinach, almond milk, and a protein source like chia seeds. Top with nuts, granola, or coconut.

    Barrier 2: Emotional Triggers
    If you find that emotions like stress, loneliness, or sadness lead to unhealthy eating habits, try practicing emotional awareness. The next time you feel an emotional trigger, pause and ask yourself, “Am I truly hungry, or am I trying to soothe something else?” Creating space for this reflection allows you to become more mindful about food choices and seek healthier coping mechanisms, like meditation, walking, or journaling.

    Barrier 3: Overwhelm in Food Decisions
    If choosing what to eat feels overwhelming, simplify by creating a basic meal template. Think of it like a guide to help you make easy, nutritious choices without stressing over what to cook each time.

    • Grain: Quinoa, brown rice, oats
    • Protein: Lentils, beans, chickpeas, tofu, nuts
    • Veggies: Leafy greens, carrots, zucchini, onions
    • Healthy Fats: Avocado, olive oil, nuts, seeds

    Mindful Eating Prompts:

    A wonderful way to cultivate a more loving and balanced relationship with food is to introduce mindful eating. Here are some prompts you can use before, during, and after eating to encourage mindfulness:

    Before Eating:

    • “Am I physically hungry or emotionally hungry?”
    • “How does my body feel right now? Am I tense, relaxed, tired?”
    • “What do I want to eat? How do I want to feel after eating?”

    During Eating:

    • “How does each bite taste? What flavors and textures do I notice?”
    • “How does my body feel as I eat this? Am I satisfied?”
    • “What am I feeling emotionally while eating this food?”

    After Eating:

    • “How do I feel now? Is there still hunger, or have I been nourished?”
    • “What emotions did I experience during the meal?”
    • “Is there anything I need in this moment—more food, rest, comfort?”

    Incorporating Seasonal Foods:

    Eating seasonally is a wonderful way to reconnect with nature and nourish both your body and spirit. As we move into spring, it’s the perfect time to begin incorporating fresh greens and lighter meals that bring energy and renewal.

    Spring Seasonal Foods to Incorporate:

    • Leafy Greens: Arugula, spinach, dandelion greens, and kale are bursting with vitamins and minerals that support the body’s detoxifying processes.
    • Asparagus: Known for its role in kidney health, it’s a great seasonal vegetable for boosting energy and digestion.
    • Radishes: With their sharp, refreshing taste, radishes help to stimulate digestion and cleanse the liver.
    • Herbs: Dill, parsley, cilantro, and mint can be used in fresh salads, smoothies, and teas, promoting detoxification and vitality.

    Incorporating these ingredients into your meals can add brightness and health benefits, helping you feel more aligned with the season.

    Looking for seasonal recipes? Check out my favourite ones here.

    Tracking Progress:

    One of the most supportive things you can do on your healing journey is to track your progress. Not just what you eat, but also how you feel about food, how your body responds, and the emotional shifts you may experience.

    Suggestions for Tracking:

    • Create a Simple Food Journal: In addition to writing down what you eat, record how you feel before and after meals. Do you feel energized, heavy, or calm? This journal can help you discover patterns.
    • Emotional Eating Reflection: Note moments when you eat out of emotional hunger. Write down what you were feeling at that time (e.g., stress, sadness) and consider healthier ways to cope with those emotions.
    • Celebrate Small Wins: Tracking doesn’t just have to be about noting challenges. Write about any positive shifts—whether it’s choosing a nourishing meal or noticing that your cravings are becoming less frequent.

    Conclusion: A Journey of Reconnection and Healing

    Healing your relationship with food is a process that takes time, self-compassion, and patience. Through the combination of mindful eating practices, nourishing plant-based foods, and self-compassion, you can begin to rebuild the emotional connection to your body that may have been lost due to emotional neglect. Remember: healing is not about perfection but about small, meaningful steps that lead you toward greater balance, well-being, and connection with yourself.

    As you explore these resources and experiment with the suggested practices, be gentle with yourself. Healing from emotional eating, especially when it’s tied to childhood neglect, takes time. Trust that with each step you take toward nourishing yourself, you’re creating a life that is more grounded in self-care and emotional fulfillment.

    You are worthy of this journey, and every step you take is a powerful act of healing. Begin where you are, and remember: you are not alone.

    Have you experienced challenges with emotional eating or connecting to your body’s needs? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Leave a comment below and share your journey—together, we can support each other in healing and reclaiming a nurturing relationship with food.

  • Motherhood as a Journey of Growth: Embracing the Transition from Maiden to Mother

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    Motherhood changes you. Sometimes in ways you expect—sometimes in ways that shake you to your core.

    One day, you’re you—the person you’ve always known yourself to be. And then, you become someone’s mother.

    For some women, that shift feels natural. For others, it feels like a slow, quiet loss—a fading of the person they once were.

    Maybe you miss the version of yourself who had uninterrupted thoughts, spontaneous outings, or even just the freedom to be alone in your own skin. Maybe you wonder if you’ll ever feel like yourself again.

    This isn’t just a lifestyle change. It’s a psychological transformation.

    There’s a name for this: matrescence—the process of becoming a mother. Just like adolescence, it’s messy, emotional, and full of uncertainty. And like all transitions, it doesn’t happen overnight.

    For some, it happens gradually. For others, it only fully lands after their second child, or when their last baby stops napping and they realize alone time is officially gone.

    But here’s the truth: You aren’t losing yourself. You’re becoming more of who you are.

    This article is here to hold your hand through that journey—to help you understand what’s happening, why you might be resisting it, and how to step into this new role in a way that feels whole, intentional, and deeply you.

    The Maiden Archetype: Who We Were Before Motherhood

    Before children, we are the maiden—a stage of life filled with possibility, self-discovery, and freedom.

    In the maiden phase, you:

    • Follow your own rhythms and desires
    • Make decisions based on what you want and need
    • Feel like your identity is clear—anchored in your work, passions, friendships, or creativity

    This phase is beautiful and necessary. It’s where we build our sense of who we are in the world.

    But then, motherhood happens. And suddenly, we are responsible for someone else’s entire existence.

    And that shift? It can feel like an earthquake.

    The Mother Archetype: What Changes Inside Us

    Stepping into motherhood isn’t just about taking care of a child—it’s about becoming a different version of ourselves.

    The mother archetype is defined by:

    • Deep emotional attunement
    • A fierce, protective love
    • Less focus on personal ambition, more on caregiving
    • A shift from self-exploration to stability and responsibility

    But here’s the part that no one talks about:

    This transition isn’t instant.

    Many of us resist it.

    We feel angry about losing our independence.
    We grieve the version of ourselves who had time to just be.
    We wonder if we’ll ever feel that lightness again.

    And that’s okay.

    Resisting this transition doesn’t mean you don’t love your child. It means you’re human.

    The Resistance Phase: Why It’s So Hard to Let Go of Who We Were

    Maybe you feel it, too—that deep pull to hold onto your old self.

    Maybe you:

    • Feel resentful about always being needed (I discuss the underlying cause of mother rage here)
    • Long for the space to hear your own thoughts again
    • Grieve the spontaneity of your pre-motherhood life
    • Feel guilty for wanting more than just motherhood

    For many women, this resistance is strongest after their second child, when the weight of caregiving becomes undeniable.

    For others, it happens when their last child stops napping, and they realize that quiet moments are no longer guaranteed.

    This resistance is normal. It’s part of the process.

    And just like all transitions, you don’t have to rush it.

    You are allowed to grieve what you’ve lost, even while loving what you’ve gained.

    If you currently feel lost and overwhelmed, read about The Unexpected challenges of motherhood: A Dark Night of the Soul (and how to eventually emerge from it!)

    Matrescence: The Psychology & Biology of Motherhood’s Identity Shift

    Matrescence is a biological, emotional, and hormonal transformation—not just an identity crisis.

    Science shows that motherhood physically changes your brain (Kim et al., 2010). Your gray matter shifts, making you more attuned to your child’s needs. Your hormones rewire your priorities.

    • Oxytocin deepens bonding but makes you more emotionally sensitive.
    • Prolactin pushes you into caregiving mode but can dampen motivation for personal pursuits.
    • Estrogen & progesterone fluctuations affect mood, identity, and resilience.

    So if you feel different? If you’re wondering why you don’t recognize yourself anymore?

    It’s because you are literally becoming someone new.

    Glimmers: The Opposite of Triggers

    Motherhood is full of triggers—moments that push us into frustration, exhaustion, or self-doubt.

    But it’s also full of glimmers—small, fleeting moments of pure love and connection.

    A glimmer is:

    • The warmth of your child sleeping against your chest
    • The way they reach for you instinctively, like you’re home
    • The sparkle in their eyes when they see you walk into a room

    Glimmers are the moments that remind you why this transition is worth it.

    The more you notice them, the easier this journey becomes.

    This article on the gifts of motherhood includes many more examples of glimmers and a free journaling worksheet for a sense of gratitude and accomplishment.

    How to Support Yourself Through This Transformation

    1. Acknowledge the Grief and the Growth

    • You are allowed to grieve your old self.
    • You are also allowed to love who you are becoming.

    2. Create Rituals to Mark the Transition

    3. Find Books That Help You Make Sense of It All
    Some books that beautifully capture this transition:

    These books don’t tell you how to parent—they help you understand how to navigate the identity shift of becoming a mother.

    I go deeper into the healing potential of Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood in the following book review.

    (If you’re looking for books to help you through this journey, I’ve included Amazon affiliate links—but please support local bookstores or thrift shops when possible! If you were going to buy from Amazon anyway, I’d appreciate you using my link.)

    You Are Still You—Just a Deeper Version

    Motherhood doesn’t erase you.

    It stretches you.
    It deepens you.
    It teaches you to hold opposites—love and exhaustion, joy and grief, identity and surrender.

    You don’t have to do this perfectly.

    You just have to allow yourself to become.

    And when you do?
    You might just find that the woman you’re becoming is someone you truly love.

    What Has Helped You in This Transition?

    I’d love to hear your thoughts—how have you navigated the shift from maiden to mother? What moments helped you settle into your new identity? Let’s support each other in the comments.

    References

    Kim, P., Rigo, P., Mayes, L. C., Feldman, R., Leckman, J. F., & Swain, J. E. (2010). \”Motherhood-induced neuroplasticity: Increased gray matter volume in the maternal brain.\” Behavioral Neuroscience, 124(6), 815-825.

    Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. Norton.

    Marchiano, L. (2021). Motherhood: Facing and Finding Yourself. Sounds True.

  • Recommended Books for Emotional Healing & Motherhood

    Welcome to my curated list of must-read books for anyone on a journey of emotional healing, especially mothers seeking to understand and overcome the impacts of childhood emotional neglect (CEN), attachment wounds, and complex parenting challenges. These books have deeply influenced my understanding of motherhood, healing, and building stronger relationships. Whether you’re just beginning to explore these topics or looking to deepen your self-care practice, you’ll find inspiration and practical guidance here.

    My Top Book Recommendations

    Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect

    By Dr. Jonice Webb
    This groundbreaking book explains how childhood emotional neglect can leave us feeling empty and disconnected. Dr. Webb provides compassionate insight into the long-term effects of unmet emotional needs and offers practical strategies for healing and reclaiming your emotional life.
    Buy on Amazon →

    The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

    By Dr. Gary Chapman
    Dr. Chapman’s classic explores how we express and receive love. Understanding your love language—and that of your partner—can transform your relationships. This book is especially valuable for those who struggle to communicate affection due to past emotional neglect.
    Buy on Amazon →

    Motherhood: Facing and Finding Yourself

    By Lisa Marchiano
    In this honest and transformative work, Marchiano dives into the emotional complexities of motherhood. She invites mothers to face the hidden wounds of their past, particularly those stemming from emotional neglect, and to embark on a journey of self-discovery and healing.
    Buy on Amazon →

    What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

    By Bruce Perry & Oprah Winfrey
    This powerful book reframes trauma by asking, “What happened to you?” rather than “What’s wrong with you?” It offers deep insights into how our early experiences shape us and provides a compassionate guide for understanding and healing from trauma.
    Buy on Amazon →

    The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

    By Bessel van der Kolk
    A seminal work on trauma, this book explains how traumatic experiences affect both the mind and body. It offers practical tools and treatment options for healing, making it an essential resource for anyone working through emotional wounds and striving for wholeness.
    Buy on Amazon →

    Disclaimer

    I encourage you to support your local community by purchasing these titles from local bookstores or thrift shops whenever possible. If local options are not available, and you choose to use Amazon, please use my affiliate links. These links come at no additional cost to you, and they help support my work—thank you for your understanding and support.

    I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences!

    Have any of these books changed your perspective on motherhood or emotional healing? Share your insights and recommendations in the comments below. If you’re ready to start your journey towards healing, dive into these books and let their wisdom guide you to a deeper, more compassionate relationship with yourself and your loved ones.

    Feel free to explore, share, and let your reading journey be a path toward transformation and healing.

  • Motherhood, CEN, and the Search for the Lost Self: A Deep Dive into Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood

    “Motherhood forces you to confront the unexamined parts of yourself.” — Lisa Marchiano

    Motherhood has a way of cracking us open. It brings joy, yes—but also a quiet, aching grief, an unsettling sense that something is missing. For those who grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)—where emotions were dismissed, overlooked, or never nurtured—motherhood can feel like a sudden flood after a lifetime of drought.

    Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood: Facing and Finding Yourself is not a parenting book. It is a book about self-discovery through the lens of motherhood—something uniquely valuable for those healing from CEN. By weaving Jungian depth psychology, myths, and real-life stories, Marchiano guides mothers through the process of reclaiming lost parts of themselves.

    But why is this book especially important for those with CEN? And how can it help untangle the deep emotional wounds that surface in motherhood?

    How Childhood Emotional Neglect Shapes Motherhood

    If you grew up with CEN, you likely learned to suppress your emotions, minimize your needs, and overfunction for others. These patterns don’t disappear when you become a mother; they often intensify.

    Signs of CEN That Resurface in Motherhood:

    • Feeling emotionally numb or disconnected from your child’s needs.
    • Struggling with overwhelming guilt when setting boundaries.
    • Feeling resentful or exhausted but unable to ask for help.
    • Being unsure how to comfort or emotionally attune to your child.
    • A persistent sense of not being “enough” as a mother.

    In Motherhood, Marchiano suggests that becoming a mother is an initiation—one that forces us to confront these deeply ingrained patterns. The emotions we suppressed in childhood begin to reawaken, and suddenly, we are face to face with our unmet needs.

    For many, this brings a crisis of identity: Who am I outside of the roles I’ve been given? And what happens when motherhood makes me feel lost rather than whole?

    Motherhood and Attachment Wounds: Reparenting Ourselves

    Many people who experienced CEN also grew up with insecure attachment—either an avoidant style (where emotions were dismissed) or an anxious style (where love felt unpredictable). These attachment wounds shape how we relate to our children, our partners, and most painfully, ourselves.

    Avoidant Attachment & Motherhood

    If you grew up suppressing emotions, motherhood may feel overwhelming. You might:

    • Struggle with deep discomfort when your child is emotionally needy.
    • Feel emotionally distant or numb but not know why.
    • Prefer to focus on practical caregiving rather than emotional connection.

    Anxious Attachment & Motherhood

    If you experienced inconsistent love, you might:

    • Feel constantly afraid of failing as a mother.
    • Become overly focused on your child’s emotions at the expense of your own.
    • Struggle with perfectionism and guilt.

    Marchiano’s book helps mothers recognize these patterns with compassion, not shame. She suggests that by becoming aware of our attachment wounds, we can start the process of reparenting ourselves—learning to meet our own emotional needs while caring for our children.

    Motherhood and CPTSD: When the Past Reawakens

    For many mothers with CEN, motherhood triggers deep-seated wounds that had long been buried. This is especially true for those who have experienced Complex PTSD (CPTSD)—a condition linked to prolonged emotional neglect, trauma, or toxic family dynamics.

    Symptoms of CPTSD in motherhood can include:

    • Emotional flashbacks—feeling suddenly small, helpless, or unworthy.
    • Dissociation—numbing out, going through the motions of parenting but feeling detached.
    • Overwhelming self-criticism—hearing an internal voice saying, “I’m a bad mom.”
    • Panic or rage in response to small triggers—a sign of deep, unprocessed pain.

    Marchiano doesn’t pathologize these struggles. Instead, she offers something radical: the idea that motherhood is a portal to healing. By bringing buried wounds to the surface, it allows us to work through them rather than carry them forward.

    The Power of Myth: How Stories Help Us Heal

    One of the most compelling parts of Motherhood is Marchiano’s use of myths and storytelling. Drawing from Jungian depth psychology, she explores how ancient stories mirror the hidden struggles of modern mothers.

    Some of the most powerful myths in the book include:

    • The Handless Maiden—A story of sacrifice, suffering, and self-reclamation.
    • Inanna’s Descent—A metaphor for the death and rebirth of identity in motherhood.
    • The Ugly Duckling—A reflection of CEN’s core wound: feeling like we don’t belong.

    These stories help us see our struggles not as personal failings, but as part of a universal human experience. They remind us that feeling lost is part of transformation—and that there is a way forward.

    Practical Takeaways: Exercises for Healing

    Marchiano doesn’t just offer insight—she offers practical tools for healing. Here are a few ways to integrate her wisdom into daily life:

    1. The “Listening to Your Inner Child” Exercise

    • Sit in a quiet space and imagine yourself as a small child.
    • Ask: What do you need from me right now?
    • Write down what comes up—without judgment.

    2. Journaling Prompts for CEN in Motherhood

    • What emotional needs went unmet in my childhood? How do they show up in my parenting?
    • When do I feel the most disconnected from my emotions?
    • What does my inner child need to hear from me today?

    3. Self-Compassion Practice

    • When you hear your inner critic say, You’re failing as a mother, respond with:
    • I am learning, just like my child is learning.
    • It’s okay to not be perfect.
    • My needs matter too.

    Further Reading for CEN & Motherhood

    If Motherhood resonates with you, these books can deepen your journey:

    Remember, supporting local bookstores or thrift shops is ideal—if unavailable, feel free to use my Amazon affiliate links. Your support is deeply appreciated.

    Final Thoughts: Motherhood as an Invitation to Healing

    For those who grew up with CEN, motherhood can feel like an unraveling. But it can also be a powerful chance to heal—to finally give ourselves the love, patience, and emotional attunement we never received.

    Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood is not about how to raise children. It is about how motherhood transforms us—whether we resist it or embrace it. It is a book that says: You are not alone. Your struggles are real. And your healing is possible.

    Ready to purchase Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood? Please consider supporting local bookstores or thrift shops. If those aren’t available, you can purchase via my Amazon affiliate link here. This way I earn a small commission at no extra cost for you. I appreciate your support.

    How has your own journey with CEN or attachment wounds influenced your experience of motherhood? Share your insights, struggles, or breakthroughs in the comments below. Your story might be the encouragement another mother needs to begin her healing journey.

    Are you struggling with mother rage? Do you want to understand how CEN fuels it and how to begin healing? Check out Mother Rage and the Hidden Wounds of Childhood Emotional Neglect: Understanding, Healing and Finding Peace

  • Mother Rage and the Hidden Wounds of Childhood Emotional Neglect: Understanding, Healing, and Finding Peace

    Introduction: The Rage No One Talks About

    You love your child more than anything. You envisioned gentle, patient motherhood—but then, seemingly out of nowhere, rage erupts. The kind that makes your hands shake, your chest tighten, your voice rise before you can stop it. And afterward, the shame crashes in:

    \”Why did I react like that? What kind of mother am I?\”

    If this feels familiar, you’re not alone. Mother rage is a deeply common but rarely discussed experience, often linked to long-buried, unmet emotional needs from childhood. If you grew up with childhood emotional neglect (CEN)—where your emotions were dismissed, ignored, or simply not noticed—you may struggle to recognize and regulate your own feelings, especially anger.

    But here’s the truth: Your rage is not proof that you\’re failing. It’s a message from the part of you that was never allowed to have needs. And with understanding, self-compassion, and the right tools, you can begin to heal that part—for yourself, and for your children.

    How Childhood Emotional Neglect Leads to Mother Rage

    What Is Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)?

    Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), a term coined by Dr. Jonice Webb in Running on Empty (featured in my list of recommended books) happens when parents fail to respond to their child’s emotional needs—not through abuse or cruelty, but often through simple emotional unawareness.

    If your parents dismissed your feelings (“Don’t cry, it’s not a big deal”), expected you to be self-sufficient too early, or rewarded you for being “easy” and undemanding, you likely internalized the belief that your emotions—and needs—were burdensome.

    As a child, you adapted by disconnecting from your emotions to keep the peace. But as a mother, this emotional suppression can explode when faced with the relentless demands of parenting.

    Why Mother Rage Feels So Overwhelming

    Motherhood is an emotionally intensive experience. Every day, you’re called to meet your child’s needs: feeding, comforting, listening, teaching. If you never had your own needs fully met, this can feel deeply triggering—as if each cry or tantrum is an accusation, pushing on an old wound:

    ✔ You were never allowed to have big feelings—so your child’s big feelings overwhelm you.
    ✔ You learned to push through exhaustion—so you feel resentment when your child needs you non-stop.
    ✔ You never learned healthy emotional regulation—so your frustration builds until it explodes.

    Rage is often a sign of depletion, of being unheard for too long. But because mothers are expected to be endlessly patient and self-sacrificing, many of us turn that rage inward—in the form of guilt, shame, and self-blame.

    The Link Between Mother Rage and Attachment Patterns

    Our earliest relationships shape the way we respond to stress—including the stress of parenting. If you had emotionally unavailable parents, you may have developed an insecure attachment style, making it harder to trust that your needs matter.

    🔹 Anxious attachment: You may feel like you’re constantly “failing” as a mom, second-guessing yourself, and overcompensating to avoid being seen as “not enough.” This leads to exhaustion and burnout.

    🔹 Avoidant attachment: You may feel emotionally disconnected, numbing yourself when overwhelmed, or feeling resentment when your child needs emotional closeness.

    Understanding your attachment patterns can help you break the cycle—so your children don’t inherit the same emotional wounds.

    Healing Mother Rage: Reclaiming Your Right to Have Needs

    Step 1: Recognizing and Validating Your Own Needs

    If you were raised to ignore your emotions, you may not even recognize when your own needs are unmet. Start by asking:

    ✔ When was the last time I did something just for myself?
    ✔ Do I feel seen, heard, and supported in my daily life?
    ✔ Do I allow myself to rest without guilt?

    Many mothers realize that they’re running on emotional empty, because they were never taught to see their needs as important. But you can start changing that today.

    Journal Prompt:

    Write a letter to your younger self, telling her that her emotions and needs always mattered. What would you want her to know?

    Step 2: Managing Rage in the Moment

    When you feel anger rising, you don’t have to suppress it—but you also don’t have to explode. Here’s what helps:

    ✔ The 5-Second Pause: Before reacting, take a deep breath and name what you\’re feeling: \”I am overwhelmed right now.\” This simple pause can interrupt automatic reactions.

    ✔ The \”I Need\” Statement: Instead of focusing on what’s wrong, say what you need: “I need five minutes alone,” or “I need a hug.”

    ✔ Physical Release: Rage is a physiological experience. Shake out your hands, stomp your feet, or step outside for fresh air to release the energy.

    ✔ Grounding Exercise: Press your hands on a solid surface and say, “I am safe. I am allowed to have feelings. I am learning.”

    Step 3: Creating Emotional Safety for Yourself

    ✔ Therapy & Support Groups: Running on Empty (Jonice Webb) and Motherhood (Lisa Marchiano) offer powerful insights into healing emotional neglect. I go deeper into the healing potential of Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood in the following book review.

    ✔ Reparenting Yourself: Speak to yourself with the warmth and kindness you wish you\’d received. (\”It makes sense that I feel this way. I\’m allowed to have needs.\”)

    ✔ Letting Go of Perfectionism: Your children don’t need a perfect mother—they need one who is real, present, and healing.

    Q&A: Your Biggest Mother Rage Questions Answered

    Q: What if I feel guilty after losing my temper?

    A: Guilt is a sign of emotional awareness—not failure. The best way to repair is to model healthy accountability: \”I\’m sorry I yelled. I was feeling overwhelmed, but my feelings are not your fault.\”

    Q: How do I explain my rage to my partner?

    A: Many partners struggle to understand mother rage because they were never taught about emotional labor. Try: \”I feel overwhelmed when my needs go unnoticed. I need more support with [specific task].\”

    Q: Can I really change if I was raised with CEN?

    A: Absolutely. Emotional healing is not about erasing the past—it’s about creating a new future, one small step at a time.

    Q: Why do I feel rage at small things that never used to bother me?

    A: Your nervous system is likely in a constant state of overload. If you’ve spent years suppressing your emotions and prioritizing others, small triggers can unleash built-up frustration and exhaustion. Your reaction isn’t just about the moment—it’s about everything that came before it.

    ✅ Try this: Keep a daily \”check-in journal\” where you rate your emotional energy (1-10) and note any small irritations. Over time, you’ll notice patterns and catch your triggers before they escalate.

    Q: How can I prevent rage from building up in the first place?

    A: The key is proactive emotional regulation, rather than waiting until you’re at a breaking point.

    ✔ Micro-breaks: Even 5-minute pauses throughout the day can prevent emotional overload.
    ✔ Daily emotional release: Whether it’s movement, journaling, or talking to a friend, emotions need a healthy outlet.
    ✔ Reducing mental load: Delegate tasks, set boundaries, and ask yourself, \”Is this something I truly need to do right now?\”

    Q: What if I had a bad moment and lashed out at my child?

    A: Repair is more important than perfection. Children don’t need flawless parents—they need parents who can model accountability and emotional regulation.

    ✔ Step 1: Acknowledge: \”I’m sorry I yelled. That wasn’t your fault.\”
    ✔ Step 2: Explain in simple terms: \”I felt frustrated because I was tired, but I should have handled it differently.\”
    ✔ Step 3: Reconnect: Offer a hug, a moment of closeness, or play together.

    This teaches your child that mistakes don’t break relationships—they can be repaired with honesty and love.

    Q: What if my partner doesn’t understand my struggles with rage and emotional burnout?

    A: Many partners don’t realize the depth of the invisible workload mothers carry—especially if they were raised in a culture where emotional labor was never acknowledged.

    ✔ Avoid blaming: Instead of \”You never help me!\”, try \”I feel overwhelmed when I\’m responsible for [specific task] all the time. Can we find a way to share it?\”
    ✔ Use relatable comparisons: If your partner values their job, compare it to being on call 24/7 without breaks—because that’s what motherhood often feels like.
    ✔ Seek external resources together: Books like Fair Play by Eve Rodsky can help shift their perspective.

    Q: What if I struggle to even feel my emotions before I explode?

    A: If you grew up with CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect), you may have learned to numb or dismiss your feelings. This makes it harder to recognize emotional buildup until it’s too late.

    ✅ Try this practice:

    • Set an alarm 3 times a day. When it goes off, pause and ask:
    • \”What am I feeling right now?\”
    • \”Where do I feel it in my body?\”
    • \”What do I need in this moment?\”

    Even if the answer is \”I don’t know\”, this builds emotional awareness—which helps you intervene before rage erupts.

    Q: Can childhood emotional neglect be healed as an adult?

    A: Absolutely. Healing isn’t about \”fixing\” yourself—it’s about learning to meet your needs in a way you never experienced before.

    ✔ Therapy can help: A trauma-informed therapist (especially one trained in IFS or AEDP) can guide you through emotional healing.
    ✔ Self-reparenting: Speak to yourself with kindness, as you would to a child learning something new.
    ✔ Support networks: Find communities of mothers who understand—whether through local groups, online forums, or trusted friends.

    Q: I feel like I\’m losing myself in motherhood. How do I reclaim my identity?

    A: Motherhood adds to who you are—it doesn’t erase you. But if you were taught to put everyone else first, it’s easy to feel like you\’ve disappeared.

    ✔ Revisit past joys: What did you love before becoming a mother? Try reintroducing even small pieces of those things.
    ✔ Make space for yourself: Even 10 minutes a day for something that feels like you is powerful.
    ✔ Practice self-compassion: You are still you, even in the exhaustion, even in the struggle.

    Motherhood is a transformation, but you deserve to exist as a whole person—just as much as your child does.

    Final Thoughts: You Are Not Alone

    Mother rage is not who you are—it’s a symptom of long-buried unmet needs finally asking to be heard. You don’t have to push it down or carry it alone.

    ✔ Start small: Acknowledge your feelings.
    ✔ Speak with kindness to yourself.
    ✔ Seek support from those who understand.

    Your healing matters—not just for you, but for the next generation. Mother rage does not make you a bad mom. It makes you a mother with needs that deserve to be met.

    💬 Have you experienced mother rage? What has helped you? Share in the comments—it may help another mother feel less alone.

    References

    • Webb, J. (2012). Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect. Morgan James Publishing.
    • Marchiano, L. (2021). Motherhood: Facing and Finding Yourself. Sounds True.
    • Siegel, D., & Hartzell, M. (2013). Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive. TarcherPerigee.