Healing the Void: From CEN to Wholeness, A Psychological and Seasonal Journey

Author: moonmina55

  • Why Inconsiderate People Trigger You More Than They \”Should\”—And How to Heal the Wound Beneath

    Why Does This Bother Me So Much?

    You’re in a conversation, and someone inserts themselves into an issue that has nothing to do with them. They take offense where none was intended, act as though they’ve been personally wronged, or demand recognition for something irrelevant.

    Or maybe you’re dealing with someone who blatantly disregards others—cutting in line, talking over people, ignoring basic social awareness.

    You feel your chest tighten, your stomach clench. Your mind starts racing: How can they not see what they’re doing? Why do they think they’re the center of everything? Why do I feel so intensely about this?

    The truth is, it’s not just this moment—it’s an old wound being pressed on.

    If you’ve experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) or relational trauma, certain behaviors—especially inconsideration, entitlement, or a lack of self-awareness in others—can feel more than just irritating. They can feel like a violation. A threat.

    And that’s because, in a way, they are—at least to your nervous system.

    Why This Hurts More Than It “Should”

    Many people grow up learning to shrug off inconsiderate behavior. “That’s just how some people are.” “Let it go.” But for those with CEN, it’s not so simple.

    Your nervous system doesn’t just perceive this as rude behavior—it registers it as a personal attack.

    • You might feel a deep resentment, as if you’re being forced to accommodate yet another selfish person.
    • You might feel powerless, like no matter how much you try to be fair and considerate, the world rewards those who take up space without thinking of others.
    • You might feel a sense of injustice, a bubbling anger at how easily they demand recognition while you’ve spent a lifetime making yourself small.

    Your reaction isn’t about this one moment. It’s about all the moments that came before it.

    The Deeper Wound Beneath the Trigger

    1. Hyper-Attunement & Over-Responsibility

    If you grew up in a household where you had to anticipate others’ needs, manage the emotions of caregivers, or avoid conflict by being “the easy child,” then seeing someone act selfishly can feel deeply wrong.

    You were never allowed to behave that way. So why do they get to?

    2. Unspoken Anger & Swallowed Boundaries

    If setting boundaries in your past led to conflict, rejection, or being shut down, then witnessing inconsiderate behavior can trigger the anger you were never allowed to express.

    You learned to swallow your needs. Seeing someone else disregard others with ease can feel like an old injustice resurfacing.

    3. The Fear of Powerlessness

    For many with CEN, power dynamics in childhood were skewed. If your needs were dismissed, if you weren’t protected, if you felt unseen, then encountering entitlement or selfishness in adulthood can feel like being a powerless child again.

    Understanding Your Nervous System’s Response

    When someone acts inconsiderately, your body responds before your mind can rationalize it.

    What’s Happening Inside?

    • Your amygdala (threat center of the brain) perceives the behavior as a violation of safety or fairness.
    • Your nervous system activates—you might go into fight (anger), flight (avoidance), freeze (shutdown), or fawn (people-pleasing to “fix” it).
    • Your brain links this situation to past emotional injuries, making the reaction feel bigger than the present moment.

    This is why pure intellectual understanding (“It’s not a big deal”) doesn’t stop the reaction. The wound needs deeper healing.

    Healing Through Awareness & Reclaiming Your Power

    1. “What’s the Worst That Could Happen?” Visualization

    • The next time you feel triggered, pause and ask:
    • What am I afraid will happen if I don’t react?
    • What’s the worst thing about tolerating this discomfort?
    • Often, the answer reveals the true fear beneath the trigger—powerlessness, invisibility, or being taken advantage of.

    2. The “Tolerating Discomfort” Challenge

    • Instead of immediately reacting, practice sitting with the feeling.
    • Breathe deeply and repeat: \”I don’t have to engage. Their behavior does not define me.\”
    • By learning to tolerate the feeling without acting on it, you start breaking the automatic reaction loop.

    3. “The Opposite Perspective” Exercise

    • Ask yourself: What if their behavior isn’t about me at all?
    • Many inconsiderate people act this way because of their own childhood wounds—a need for control, attention, or validation.
    • Shifting from “They are bad” to “They are unconscious” reduces the emotional charge.

    4. A Self-Trust Checklist for Boundaries

    • Do I actually need to engage, or can I walk away?
    • Am I reacting out of habit or choice?
    • Do I feel safe standing firm in my perspective?
    • What would “holding my boundary” look like in this situation?

    Practical Tools for When the Trigger Hits

    1. Somatic Exercise to Calm the Nervous System

    • Place your hand on your chest and take three slow belly breaths.
    • Say: \”I am safe. I am allowed to take up space.\”

    2. Self-Compassion Prompt

    • Imagine speaking to your younger self:
    • “You are not invisible. You don’t have to accommodate everyone. You are safe.”

    3. Journaling Prompt

    • Who did I have to accommodate in my past?
    • How did that shape my reactions today?

    4. Micro-Boundary Practice

    • Choose one small way to assert yourself today—declining something, taking a pause before responding, or saying \”no\” without explaining.

    Recommended Books & YouTube Channels

    Books:

    • The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel van der Kolk
    • Running on Empty – Jonice Webb
    • Set Boundaries, Find Peace – Nedra Tawwab
    • Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents – Lindsay Gibson

    YouTube Channels:

    • Dr. Ramani (on toxic relationships & boundary setting)
    • Patrick Teahan, LICSW (on emotional neglect & healing)
    • The Holistic Psychologist (on nervous system regulation)

    Closing Reflection

    This trigger isn’t proof of brokenness—it’s proof that a wound is ready to be seen, felt, and healed.

    The next time someone’s inconsiderate behavior makes you feel invisible, powerless, or enraged, pause. You’re not that child anymore. You are safe now. And you can choose how to respond.

    👉 What about you?

    Does this resonate? Have you noticed certain behaviors that trigger you deeply? Share your experiences in the comments—I’d love to hear your thoughts.

    Read next: Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child)

  • Why Your Child’s Whining Feels Overwhelming—And How to Respond with Calm and Care

    Your child whines—again.
    Your whole body tenses. You feel irritated, overwhelmed, numb. Instead of responding with nurturing care, you find yourself shutting down or wanting to make it stop as quickly as possible.

    If this happens to you, it’s not because you’re a bad parent. It’s because your nervous system is perceiving distress as a threat—rather than a call for connection. And if you grew up with childhood emotional neglect (CEN), this reaction is deeply wired into you.

    But here’s the good news: you can change it.

    This article will help you understand:

    • Why whining feels unbearable to your nervous system
    • The childhood patterns shaping your reaction
    • How to shift from shutdown to attunement
    • Exercises, prompts, and resources to help you respond with calm and care

    Why Whining Feels Like a Threat to the CEN Mother’s Nervous System

    1. If No One Responded to Your Distress, Your Brain Learned to Tune It Out

    As a child, when you felt sad, frustrated, or needy, how did the adults around you respond?

    • Were you comforted, heard, and validated?
    • Or were you told to stop crying, toughen up, or be quiet?

    If your distress was dismissed, your nervous system learned:
    ❌ Big emotions don’t lead to connection—they lead to rejection or discomfort.
    ❌ Expressing distress doesn’t get needs met—it makes things worse.
    ❌ The safest response is to numb out, shut down, or ignore it.

    Now, when your child expresses distress—through whining, crying, or clinging—your nervous system automatically reacts as if it\’s something to be ignored or escaped rather than attuned to.

    💡 Healing Step:
    Pause and whisper to yourself:
    \”My child’s distress is not dangerous. They are not rejecting me. This is a chance to give them what I needed.\”

    2. You Were Taught That Needs Are Irritating, Not Important

    If your caregivers saw emotional needs as annoying, burdensome, or excessive, you might have absorbed that belief too.

    🔹 As a child: You may have learned to suppress your needs to avoid rejection.

    🔹 As a mother: Your child’s whining might trigger an old subconscious belief:
    \”Needs are overwhelming. I can’t handle this. They should stop.\”

    💡 Healing Step:
    Try re-framing whining:
    Instead of: \”Why won’t they stop?\”
    Say: \”They are reaching out for help in the only way they know how.\”

    A whining child isn’t manipulating you—they’re struggling to regulate their emotions and looking to you for help.

    3. Your Nervous System Is Stuck in Survival Mode

    When a child whines, a regulated adult hears:
    \”I need something.\”

    But if you have unresolved emotional neglect, your nervous system may hear:
    \”This is too much. I can’t handle this. I need to shut down.\”

    🔹 Whining activates the fight-flight-freeze response.

    • Fight: You snap, “Stop whining!” or get angry.
    • Flight: You mentally check out, scroll your phone, or feel the urge to walk away.
    • Freeze: You feel numb, dissociated, or unable to respond.

    This isn’t a conscious choice—it’s a trauma response from a nervous system that never learned how to co-regulate distress.

    💡 Healing Step:
    When whining triggers you, try this:
    1️⃣ Place your hand on your chest.
    2️⃣ Take a deep breath and lengthen the exhale.
    3️⃣ Say to yourself: \”This is my child. I am safe. I can handle this.\”
    4️⃣ Soften your face and voice before responding.

    This interrupts the stress response and re-trains your nervous system to see distress as a cue for connection—not a threat.

    How to Shift from Shutdown to Nurturing Care

    1. Use “Whining Translations” to Reframe the Situation

    When whining triggers you, try to decode the underlying need:

    ❌ \”Stop whining!\” → ✅ \”You’re struggling to say what you need. Let’s figure it out together.\”
    ❌ \”Why do you always do this?\” → ✅ \”I see you need something. Let’s slow down.\”

    This shifts your inner dialogue from irritation → curiosity, making it easier to respond with care.

    2. Give Yourself What You Never Got

    If whining feels unbearable, it’s often because your own childhood distress wasn’t met with care.

    Try this Inner Reparenting Visualization:
    🌿 Close your eyes. Imagine your younger self whining or crying.
    🌿 Picture your adult self kneeling beside her.
    🌿 What does she need? How would you comfort her?
    🌿 Now, imagine giving that same response to your child.

    3. Regulate First, Respond Second

    When whining triggers shutdown, dissociation, or frustration, regulate yourself before responding.

    ✅ Grounding Touch: Hold something cold (ice cube, water bottle) to re-engage your body.
    ✅ Breathwork: Inhale for 4 seconds, exhale for 6 seconds.
    ✅ Anchor in the Present: Wiggle your toes and remind yourself: \”This is not my childhood. I can choose a different response.\”

    Once you are regulated, your child will feel safer and whine less.

    Printable Cheat Sheet: “From Triggered to Attuned – Quick Guide for Whining Moments”

    A downloadable, one-page reference guide with simple, actionable steps to keep on hand:

    Download guide for free

    Partner or Co-Parenting Strategies

    Many CEN parents struggle to voice their needs—which can lead to feeling alone in handling emotional situations with their child. Here’s how to involve a partner or co-parent in a way that feels supportive rather than critical.

    💡 Conversation Starter:
    ➡ “I’ve realized that whining really triggers me, and I want to respond with more calm and connection. Can we work together on this?”

    🔹 Divide & Support: If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to step away and have your partner step in.
    🔹 Create a Tag-Team Plan: Agree on a signal for when one of you needs a moment to regulate.
    🔹 Practice Together: Role-play responding to whining in a calm, connected way when you’re both relaxed.

    Q&A: Common Struggles & How to Shift Them

    ❓ What if I’m too overwhelmed to respond calmly?
    ➡ Take a sensory break. Tell your child, \”I need a minute, then I can help.\” Step into another room, breathe, and reset.

    ❓ What if whining makes me feel completely numb?
    ➡ Try movement. Shake out your hands, stretch, or tap your body to reawaken your nervous system.

    ❓ What if I feel guilty for struggling with this?
    ➡ Guilt means you care. Healing takes time. Self-compassion is part of the process.

    Books & Resources for Healing

    📖 \”Running on Empty\” – Dr. Jonice Webb (Healing childhood emotional neglect)
    📖 \”Good Inside\” – Dr. Becky Kennedy (Regulating emotions in parenting)
    📖 \”The Awakened Family\” – Dr. Shefali Tsabary (Breaking generational cycles in parenting)

    Final Thoughts: You Can Rewire This Response

    Your child’s whining isn’t a threat—it’s an invitation.

    An invitation to break old cycles.
    An invitation to give your child what you never got.
    An invitation to heal your own nervous system—one moment at a time.

    Healing from CEN doesn’t happen overnight. But with awareness, compassion, and practice, you can rewire your response—turning shutdown into connection.

    Does this resonate with you?

    Have you struggled with whining as a trigger? What helps you stay present and calm? Share your thoughts in the comments—I’d love to hear from you!

  • Why Stillness Feels Unsettling for the CEN Mother at the Playground—And How to Heal

    You take your child to the playground, expecting a peaceful moment. But as you stand there—waiting, watching, with nothing urgent to do—you feel… restless. Maybe even trapped. Your mind races. You resist the stillness. Instead of enjoying the pause, you feel uneasy, even irritable.

    If this resonates, you’re not alone. For many mothers who grew up with childhood emotional neglect (CEN), moments of stillness—especially in caregiving—can feel deeply uncomfortable. But why? And how can you start to shift this experience into something more nourishing?

    Why Stillness Feels Uncomfortable for the CEN Mother

    1. Stillness Once Meant Being Invisible

    If your childhood emotional needs weren’t met, you likely learned that being quiet, still, or passive meant being ignored. You weren’t actively comforted, noticed, or emotionally engaged with when you were simply there.

    🔹 As a child: You might have felt unseen unless you were achieving, performing, or being helpful.

    🔹 As a mother: Standing still at the playground, with no clear “role” beyond just being, may unconsciously trigger that old fear:
    \”If I am not doing, I don’t matter.\”

    💡 Healing Step:
    Instead of rushing to fill the moment, practice conscious presence. Take a deep breath. Feel your feet on the ground. Whisper to yourself:
    \”I am allowed to simply be. My presence is enough.\”

    2. The Productivity Wound: \”I Should Be Doing Something\”

    CEN often creates a deep discomfort with rest. You may have learned that your worth was tied to being productive—to always doing, never just existing.

    🔹 As a child: Rest, slowness, or play may have been discouraged. You might have internalized the idea that “free time” is wasted time.

    🔹 As a mother: Standing in the playground with no task may feel unbearable. Your brain might urge you to check your phone, plan dinner, run through your to-do list—anything to avoid feeling unproductive.

    💡 Healing Step:
    Try asking yourself:

    • What would I tell my child about their right to rest and joy?
    • What if I am still worthy, even when I am just watching?
    • What if my body is asking me to slow down because I need it?

    Then, try shifting your focus:

    • Instead of productivity → tune into sensory experience. Feel the sun on your face, the crunch of leaves, the sound of your child laughing.
    • Instead of self-judgment → notice your child\’s joy. Imagine giving your inner child permission to play too.

    3. Play Feels Foreign or Even Grief-Inducing

    For some CEN mothers, the playground isn’t just uncomfortable—it’s painful. Watching your child laugh, climb, and explore may awaken a deep, unspoken grief:
    \”I never had this kind of childhood.\”

    🔹 As a child: You may have had to grow up too soon. Maybe you weren’t allowed to be carefree, imaginative, or silly.

    🔹 As a mother: Seeing your child experience what you didn’t can stir sadness, resentment, or emotional numbness. You might unconsciously distance yourself from the moment to avoid feeling these emotions.

    💡 Healing Step:
    Acknowledge the grief. Instead of pushing it away, place a gentle hand on your heart and tell yourself:
    \”This sadness is real. And I can give myself what I didn’t have—starting now.\”

    Then, invite yourself into the moment in small ways:

    • Sit on the swing for a minute—just to feel it.
    • Touch the sand, climb a little, or walk barefoot.
    • Smile at your child and let yourself absorb their joy.
    • Imagine your younger self playing, too.

    This isn’t about forcing play—it’s about making space for a new experience of joy.

    4. Social Disconnection: Feeling Like an Outsider

    Many CEN mothers struggle with belonging. If you grew up feeling unseen or emotionally disconnected, social settings—even casual ones—can feel awkward, isolating, or even threatening.

    🔹 At the playground: Watching other parents chat effortlessly may trigger the belief:
    \”Why don’t I fit in? Why is this so hard for me?\”

    🔹 Deeper cause: If emotional neglect taught you that your emotions and needs weren’t important, it might feel uncomfortable to initiate connection or take up space in social situations.

    💡 Healing Step:
    If loneliness is a pattern, start small:

    • A simple nod or smile to another parent.
    • A grounding practice: Before going, take a deep breath and remind yourself: I belong here too.
    • A gentle connection goal: Challenge yourself to say one thing out loud, even if it’s just: “It’s a beautiful day.”

    Building connection takes time, but your worth isn’t determined by how social you are.

    Q&A: Common Struggles & How to Shift Them

    ❓ Why do I always want to leave early?
    ➡ Your nervous system may feel unsafe in stillness. Try staying just five minutes longer than feels comfortable and notice what happens.

    ❓ Why do I feel guilty if I enjoy myself?
    ➡ You may have learned that joy and relaxation weren’t for you. Remind yourself: I deserve moments of peace.

    ❓ What if I feel nothing at all?
    ➡ Emotional numbness is a common response to neglect. Instead of forcing feelings, focus on physical presence: deep breaths, noticing sensations, stretching, or movement.

    Healing Exercises to Try

    🌱 The \”Inner Mother\” Exercise

    • Close your eyes and imagine your younger self at a playground.
    • See her standing there, unsure, hesitant.
    • Now, picture your present self walking up to her.
    • What would you tell her? What comfort does she need?

    ✨ Reparenting through Play

    • Try engaging with the playground in a small way. Even just sitting on the grass with your child can be an act of healing.

    💬 Journaling Prompts

    • What does \”doing nothing\” bring up for me emotionally?
    • When did I first learn that rest or stillness was uncomfortable?
    • How can I practice feeling safe in quiet moments?

    Books & Resources for Healing

    📖 \”Running on Empty\” – Dr. Jonice Webb (On understanding & healing CEN)
    📖 \”Mothering from Your Center\” – Tami Lynn Kent (On reclaiming joy & presence in motherhood)
    📖 \”Radical Acceptance\” – Tara Brach (On letting go of self-judgment & embracing stillness)

    Final Thoughts: Your Presence Is Enough

    If you struggle with playground stillness, you’re not broken. You’re healing from a childhood where stillness didn’t feel safe.

    This isn’t about “fixing” yourself—it’s about gently rewriting the story. You deserve to rest. You deserve to belong. You deserve to be present—not because of what you do, but simply because you are here.

    Would you like to explore more? Take the next step with:

    ❤️ Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child)

    📖 Motherhood as a Journey of Growth: Embracing the Transition from Maiden to Mother

    Your healing matters. And you are never alone in it.

    Have you noticed discomfort in still moments as a mother? Share your thoughts or experiences in the comments—I’d love to hear how this shows up for you and what has helped!

  • Why You Resist Sleep Even When Exhausted: The Hidden Emotional Roots of Insomnia

    Introduction: When Sleep Feels Like the Enemy

    You’re exhausted. Your eyes burn, your body feels heavy, and you know you need sleep. Yet, instead of crawling into bed, you:

    • Scroll endlessly on your phone, even though you don’t care about what you’re seeing.
    • Decide that now is the perfect time to start cleaning, organizing, or catching up on work.
    • Tell yourself just one more episode, one more chapter, one more minute—until you’ve lost another hour.
    • Sit in the quiet, staring at nothing, feeling like you need to do something before sleeping, but you’re not sure what.

    By morning, you regret it. But at night, you can’t help yourself.

    If this cycle feels familiar, you’re not lazy or undisciplined. There’s a deeper reason your mind resists sleep.

    This article explores:
    ✔ Why sleep resistance happens (especially for mothers & those with childhood emotional neglect).
    ✔ The unmet needs hidden beneath bedtime procrastination.
    ✔ How to gently shift this pattern—without forcing yourself into harsh discipline.

    The Hidden Emotional Reasons You Resist Sleep

    1. You Feel Like You Haven’t Truly Existed Today

    📖 The Need: Presence and acknowledgment.

    Does this sound familiar?

    • Your entire day was spent caring for others—children, a partner, work, obligations. But you barely felt present in it.
    • You didn’t have a single uninterrupted moment to do something just for yourself.
    • It’s like you ran through the day without actually experiencing it.
    • Now, at night, you don’t want to sleep because it feels like you never really lived today.

    Subconscious thought: I can’t let the day end until I’ve had a moment where I feel like a person, not just a function.

    🔹 How to Work With This:
    ✅ Sprinkle small “me-moments” throughout the day.

    • Instead of waiting until midnight to reclaim yourself, anchor yourself into the day with small but real moments:
    • Close your eyes and take one deep, slow breath while standing at the sink.
    • Step outside and feel the air on your skin for 10 seconds.
    • Sip a cup of tea without multitasking—just feeling the warmth in your hands.
    • Listen to a song that makes you feel something real.
    • Whisper to yourself: I am here.

    ✅ Try a 2-minute \”daily check-in\” ritual.

    • Instead of numbing out at night, sit for two minutes and ask: What was one tiny, beautiful thing about today?
    • It could be a child\’s giggle, a bite of food, a deep stretch, a moment of laughter.
    • Let it count. Let today feel real before you end it.

    2. You Need Autonomy in a Life of Obligation

    📖 The Need: A sense of control and freedom.

    If your days feel dictated by other people’s needs, sleep resistance can be an act of rebellion.

    • Maybe you’re a mother whose whole day is structured around nap schedules, meal prep, and responding to small voices calling “Mama!”
    • Maybe you work a job where you’re constantly putting out fires, answering emails, and being available.
    • Maybe you grew up in a household where your time and choices were never truly yours.

    By staying up, you’re claiming a tiny piece of autonomy.

    Subconscious thought: This is the one thing no one can take from me. I choose this time.

    🔹 How to Work With This:
    ✅ Reframe sleep as an empowered choice, not an obligation.

    • Instead of seeing rest as something being forced on you, reframe it as:
    • I choose to take care of myself.
    • I decide when I sleep—not exhaustion, not guilt, not habit.

    ✅ Create a tiny, intentional “autonomy ritual” at night.

    • Instead of scrolling numbly, do something small but deeply yours:
    • A warm drink in silence.
    • Writing one sentence in a journal.
    • A stretching movement that feels good.
    • Lighting a candle and watching the flame.

    Even 5 minutes of mindful autonomy is more fulfilling than 2 hours of scrolling.

    3. You Fear the Day Slipping Away Without Meaning

    📖 The Need: A sense of fulfillment.

    • Have you ever stayed up just to make the day feel less wasted?
    • You didn’t do anything big today—no progress on a passion, no deep conversations, just survival.
    • So you delay sleep, hoping to squeeze in something meaningful at the last minute.

    Subconscious thought: If I go to bed now, what did this day even mean?

    🔹 How to Work With This:
    ✅ Let small moments of meaning be enough.

    • A day doesn’t have to be “productive” to be meaningful.
    • Before bed, ask: What was one small thing that mattered today?
    • Say it out loud. Write it down. Let it count.

    ✅ Do a 5-minute “purpose moment” at night.

    • Read a paragraph from a book that inspires you.
    • Write down one kind thing you did today.
    • Look at the moon. Let it be enough.

    Science-Backed Solutions for Sleep Resistance

    🔬 1. The Psychology of \”Revenge Bedtime Procrastination\”

    • Studies show that people who feel a lack of control over their daytime schedules are more likely to delay sleep at night. (Kroese et al., 2014)

    🔬 2. How Suppressed Emotions Disrupt Sleep

    • Emotional suppression is linked to higher physiological arousal at night, making it harder to fall asleep. (Vandekerckhove & Cluydts, 2010)
    • Solution: Journaling before bed can help process emotions.

    🔬 3. The Role of Cortisol and Hyperarousal

    • Chronic stress keeps cortisol levels high at night, making rest difficult. (Buckley & Schatzberg, 2005)
    • Solution: Gentle nervous system regulation (slow breathing, rocking, warm baths).

    Final Words: Reclaiming Rest as Your Birthright

    • Sleep is not wasted time.
    • Rest does not erase your worth.
    • Going to bed doesn’t mean giving up on yourself. It means you trust yourself enough to continue tomorrow.

    Tonight, instead of forcing yourself to be productive, try this:
    ⭐ Breathe.
    ⭐ Name one thing that mattered today.
    ⭐ Whisper to yourself: I am allowed to rest.

    You are here. That is enough.

    Call to Action: Reclaim Rest & Heal from Within

    If it’s not evening yet and you\’re not ready to sleep, explore the deeper layers of your experience:

    📖 Motherhood as a Journey of Growth: Embracing the Transition from Maiden to Mother – Understand the emotional transformation of motherhood and how to reconnect with yourself.

    🔥 Mother Rage and the Hidden Wounds of Childhood Emotional Neglect: Understanding, Healing, and Finding Peace – Unmet needs often surface as anger. Learn how to process and release it in healthy ways.

    ❤️ Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child) – Break generational cycles and build secure connections with your child.

    Your healing matters. You are worthy of rest, renewal, and deep self-understanding.

  • When Food Waste Feels Like a Personal Attack: Healing Parental Triggers Around Mealtime Struggles

    Your baby picks up a perfectly good piece of food, looks at it, and drops it to the floor. Again. You try to stay calm, but inside, something tightens—frustration, guilt, maybe even anger.

    \”Why are they wasting perfectly good food?\”
    \”Do they not realize how much effort I put into this?\”
    \”I was never allowed to waste food as a child—why do they get to?\”

    If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Watching food go uneaten (or end up on the floor) can be deeply triggering for parents, stirring up emotions that go far beyond the moment. This isn\’t just about waste—it\’s about control, past experiences, and deeply ingrained beliefs about food and worth.

    Let’s unpack why food waste feels so uncomfortable and how to shift our mindset so we can support our children’s healthy relationship with eating—without feeling overwhelmed by guilt, frustration, or anxiety.

    Why Food Waste Feels So Personal: 4 Deeper Triggers

    1. Childhood Food Shame: \”I Was Taught That Wasting Food Is Wrong\”

    Many of us grew up hearing:

    • “Finish your plate; there are starving children in the world.”
    • “You’re being wasteful! You should be grateful.”
    • “You can’t leave the table until your plate is empty.”

    Food waste wasn’t just about the meal—it was tied to morality, obedience, and gratitude. If you were scolded for not finishing your food, watching your child reject food now might subconsciously bring back that same shame.

    🔹 Reframe the belief: Instead of “food waste is bad,” try: \”Exploration is part of learning to eat.\” Your child is not rejecting you or your effort—they are learning independence.

    For more on that read: Why Your 1-Year-Old Refuses to Be Fed—And Why That’s a Good Thing

    2. The Emotional Toll of Care Work: \”I Spent So Much Time Making This!\”

    You plan, shop, chop, cook, clean—only to watch food get thrown, ignored, or smeared across the tray. It’s not just food waste; it’s the exhaustion of invisible labor being disregarded.

    🔹 Validate your feelings: It’s okay to feel frustrated. Name the emotion without blaming your child:
    \”I worked hard on this meal, and seeing it wasted is frustrating. But I know this is part of the process.\”

    🔹 Simplify meal prep: If waste is a trigger, make meals that take less time and emotional investment. Offer easy-to-prepare, nutritious foods that won’t leave you feeling drained if they’re rejected.

    3. Anxiety Around Nutrient Intake: \”What If They Don’t Eat Enough?\”

    A baby refusing food can feel dangerous to a parent’s nervous system. It taps into our deepest biological fears: Will they get enough nutrients? Will they grow properly?

    🔹 Reframe the fear: One rejected meal doesn’t define their health. Babies regulate their intake over days, not meals—a skipped meal today often means a bigger appetite tomorrow.

    🔹 Observe their weekly intake, not daily: Instead of panicking over one meal, look at their overall nutrition across several days.

    4. A Deep Need for Control: \”They Should Just Eat What I Give Them\”

    For many parents, food represents control and structure. A baby refusing food can feel like defiance, even though it’s actually a normal developmental milestone.

    🔹 Pause and ask: What does their refusal bring up in me? Why do I feel this strong need for control right now?

    🔹 Shift to a partnership mindset: Instead of “They should eat what I give them,” try: “How can I help them feel safe exploring food?”

    Reframing Food Waste: A Growth Mindset Approach

    If food waste is a major stressor, here’s how to make peace with it while still teaching food appreciation:

    1. Shift from “Waste” to “Learning”

    Every dropped bite, rejected spoonful, or messy exploration is your child learning autonomy, coordination, and preferences. Think of it like practicing walking—no one expects a baby to get it right the first time.

    Instead of “They’re wasting food,” reframe it as:
    ✅ “They’re experimenting with food textures and self-feeding.”
    ✅ “This is temporary—eventually, they will eat more and waste less.”

    2. Teach Food Appreciation Without Guilt

    Instead of forcing them to eat everything, focus on gentle, engaging ways to build food respect:

    • Let them touch, smell, and explore ingredients before meals.
    • Involve them in meal prep, even if it’s just stirring or watching.
    • Eat meals together, so they see food as a shared experience.
    • Use positive language: \”This food gives us energy and helps us grow.\”

    3. Reduce Food Waste Without Anxiety

    • Offer smaller portions first—you can always give more if they’re still hungry.
    • Serve leftovers creatively (blend rejected veggies into soup, turn fruit into smoothies).
    • Accept that some waste is inevitable, but it won’t last forever.

    Practical Exercises to Process Parental Triggers

    If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or resentful about food waste, these prompts can help you work through your feelings:

    📝 Journaling Prompts:

    1. What messages did I receive about food waste as a child?
    2. How does watching my child reject food make me feel?
    3. What emotions come up when I feel like I’m “losing control” at mealtimes?
    4. How can I reframe food waste as part of my child’s learning?

    🧘‍♀️ Somatic Practices (Body-Based Techniques):

    • Grounding exercise: Before reacting, place your hands on your lap and take three deep breaths.
    • Mindful eating: Eat a meal alongside your child, focusing on sensory experience rather than outcome.
    • Shake off tension: If frustration builds, physically shake out your arms and shoulders before responding.

    Final Thoughts: This Is Temporary

    Picky eating and food rejection can feel frustrating, but it won’t last forever. Your child’s relationship with food is being shaped right now—and how you respond to this phase sets the foundation for years to come.

    🔹 If you feel overwhelmed, remember:

    • Food waste in infancy is developmentally appropriate.
    • Your child is not rejecting you—they are learning.
    • A relaxed attitude now leads to independent, intuitive eating later.

    🌿 What helps you stay patient during picky eating phases? Share your experiences in the comments!

    🔗 Read next: Mother Rage and the Hidden Wounds of Childhood Emotional Neglect: Understanding, Healing, and Finding Peace

  • Why Your 1-Year-Old Refuses to Be Fed—And Why That’s a Good Thing

    “Just one bite, sweetie.” You scoop up a spoonful of mashed sweet potatoes, guiding it toward your baby’s mouth. But instead of opening up, she turns her head away. You try again, but she pushes your hand aside. Moments later, she grabs at your fork, reaching for your plate instead of her own.

    Mealtimes that used to be easy suddenly feel like a battle. Why won’t she let you feed her anymore? Is she just being difficult?

    The good news? This isn’t “picky eating.” It’s a natural, developmental milestone—and it’s a sign your baby is learning an essential life skill: independent eating.

    Why Your 1-Year-Old Refuses Food (From You, At Least)

    Around 10–14 months, many babies go through a phase where they reject being spoon-fed and insist on controlling their own meals. Parents often mistake this for picky eating, but in reality, it’s a biological instinct to self-feed.

    1. The Drive for Independence

    By their first birthday, babies start realizing: \”I am separate from you.\” This is part of growing autonomy, and food is one of the first areas where they test control. They don’t want to be passive recipients—they want to feed themselves like the adults around them.

    2. Mirror Neurons: Copying What They See

    Babies learn by watching. When they see parents and siblings using spoons, forks, or hands to eat, they want to do the same. This is why they might grab for your utensils or insist on having what’s on your plate—even if they have the exact same food on their own tray.

    3. Sensory Curiosity & Exploration

    Self-feeding isn’t just about hunger—it’s also about touching, squeezing, and playing with food. This helps babies develop fine motor skills, understand textures, and build positive associations with eating. Even if it looks messy, it’s an important part of learning.

    4. The Evolutionary Need to Control Food Intake

    From a biological perspective, self-feeding is safer. Spoon-feeding can sometimes lead to overfeeding or force-feeding, while allowing babies to pace themselves helps them develop self-regulation with food—reducing the risk of overeating later in life.

    Why This Phase Can Feel So Frustrating for Parents

    For parents, this stage can be stressful, especially when:
    ✅ Your baby barely eats—you worry about nutrition.
    ✅ They waste food—dropping, smearing, or throwing meals.
    ✅ They refuse \”safe\” foods—meals they used to love.
    ✅ Mealtimes take forever—as they play more than they eat.

    If you’re feeling frustrated, you’re not alone. It’s natural to feel anxious when it seems like your baby isn’t getting enough food—or when you’re cleaning the floor after every meal.

    But the truth is, this phase is temporary—and how you handle it can shape lifelong healthy eating habits.

    To explore and start healing the deeper reasons of your frustration, read: When Food Waste Feels Like a Personal Attack: Healing Parental Triggers Around Mealtime Struggles

    How to Support Independent Eating Without Losing Your Mind

    This phase doesn’t have to feel like a battle. By shifting your perspective and adjusting your approach, you can reduce stress, embrace the mess, and support your child’s natural development.

    1. Let Go of the Spoon—Offer Finger Foods & Pre-Loaded Utensils

    If your baby resists being spoon-fed, respect their need for control. Instead of trying to force bites, shift to:
    ✅ Finger foods: Soft, easy-to-grab pieces (steamed veggies, scrambled eggs, banana slices).
    ✅ Pre-loaded spoons: Scoop yogurt or mashed food onto a spoon and let your baby bring it to their mouth.
    ✅ Dippable foods: Offer a mild sauce, hummus, or mashed avocado for dunking.

    👉 Why it works: It meets their need for independence while ensuring they still get enough food.

    2. Give Them Their Own Plate & Utensils

    If your baby constantly grabs for your food, serve them the same meal on their own plate. They want to eat like you—so make it feel like they’re part of the family meal.

    ✅ Use small toddler plates and soft-tipped spoons/forks.
    ✅ Offer what you’re eating (as long as it’s safe)—they trust your plate more than “baby food.”
    ✅ Let them explore—even if they pick, squish, or drop some of it.

    👉 Why it works: It helps them transition to eating family meals and prevents power struggles over food.

    3. Reduce Food Waste Without Stressing

    Food waste is frustrating, but it’s a normal part of learning. To make it easier:
    ✅ Start with small portions—you can always offer more.
    ✅ Save leftovers—if untouched, refrigerate for later.
    ✅ Use a splat mat—to catch dropped food (and save your sanity).
    ✅ Offer rejected foods again later—preferences change daily.

    👉 Why it works: It keeps meals low-pressure, so your baby learns to enjoy food instead of fighting against it.

    4. Keep Mealtimes Relaxed—No Pressure, No Battles

    When babies feel pressured to eat, they’re more likely to resist. Instead of coaxing, try:
    ✅ Sitting together and modeling eating—no distractions.
    ✅ Letting them stop when full—self-regulation is key.
    ✅ Avoiding bribes or rewards—this can create negative associations with food.

    👉 Why it works: A relaxed environment encourages natural curiosity and helps them build a healthy relationship with food.

    Q&A: Navigating the Messy World of Independent Eating

    1. My baby barely eats anything when feeding themselves. Should I worry?

    No—this is completely normal. Babies are naturally exploring textures, tastes, and motor skills, and their intake often looks smaller than expected. Keep offering a variety of foods and trust their hunger cues. If they’re growing and active, they’re getting what they need.

    👉 Tip: Try denser foods like avocado, nut butters, or scrambled eggs if you’re concerned about calorie intake.

    2. My baby throws food constantly—what should I do?

    Food throwing is part of their learning process. However, you can minimize it by:
    ✅ Offering smaller portions
    ✅ Using a suction plate or bowl
    ✅ Keeping reactions neutral—if it becomes a game, they’ll keep doing it
    ✅ Ending the meal calmly when they’re clearly done

    👉 Tip: Teach the “all done” sign or place a small bowl for rejected food to redirect the habit.

    3. What if my baby refuses food but wants what’s on my plate?

    Babies often see your food as more appealing. Try:
    ✅ Serving them the same food as you in their own dish
    ✅ Eating together so they mimic your actions
    ✅ Letting them take safe bites from your plate occasionally

    👉 Tip: Avoid turning this into a habit where they only eat from your plate—keep offering their own.

    4. Will this phase pass, or will I always have a picky eater?

    This phase is temporary—it’s about learning, not long-term food refusal. If you stay patient and let them explore without pressure, they’ll gain confidence and curiosity around food.

    👉 Tip: Kids who control their own eating early on often grow into adventurous, independent eaters.

    5. What if my baby only eats a few specific foods?

    Food jags (favoring the same foods) are common. Instead of forcing variety, try:
    ✅ Slight variations of favorite foods (e.g., mashed vs. cubed sweet potato)
    ✅ Pairing new foods with familiar favorites
    ✅ Rotating options, but not pressuring them to eat

    👉 Tip: Continue exposure—eventually, curiosity will take over.

    Easy Meal Ideas for Independent Eaters

    Each of these meals is designed to be nutrient-dense, easy to grasp, and suitable for babies learning to self-feed. They incorporate varied textures, mild yet flavorful seasonings, and ingredients that encourage sensory exploration without overwhelming delicate palates.

    1. Soft Veggie Fritters (Zucchini & Carrot)

    Perfect for little hands, these fritters are crispy on the outside and soft inside.
    ✅ Ingredients:

    • ½ zucchini, grated
    • ½ carrot, grated
    • 1 small potato, grated
    • 1 egg (or flax egg: 1 tbsp ground flax + 3 tbsp water)
    • 3 tbsp oat flour
    • ½ tsp cumin
    • ½ tsp garlic powder
    • 1 tbsp olive oil (for pan-frying)

    👉 Instructions:

    1. Squeeze out excess moisture from the grated vegetables.
    2. Mix all ingredients in a bowl.
    3. Heat olive oil in a pan, scoop small portions, and flatten.
    4. Cook for 3-4 minutes per side until golden brown.
    5. Let cool slightly before serving.

    2. Creamy Coconut Lentils with Soft Rice

    A nourishing dish rich in iron and healthy fats.
    ✅ Ingredients:

    • ½ cup red lentils
    • 1 ½ cups water or vegetable broth
    • ½ cup coconut milk
    • ¼ tsp turmeric
    • ½ tsp mild curry powder
    • 1 small garlic clove, finely minced
    • ½ cup cooked jasmine or basmati rice

    👉 Instructions:

    1. Rinse lentils and cook with water/broth for about 15 minutes.
    2. Add coconut milk, turmeric, curry powder, and garlic. Simmer for 5 more minutes.
    3. Mash lightly or leave as is, depending on texture preference.
    4. Serve with soft rice for easy scooping.

    3. Baked Apple & Cinnamon Oatmeal Fingers

    A great breakfast or snack with natural sweetness.
    ✅ Ingredients:

    • 1 cup rolled oats
    • 1 cup oat or almond milk
    • 1 small apple, grated
    • ½ banana, mashed
    • ½ tsp cinnamon
    • ½ tsp vanilla extract
    • 1 tbsp chia seeds (optional)

    👉 Instructions:

    1. Preheat oven to 180°C (350°F).
    2. Mix all ingredients in a bowl.
    3. Pour into a lined baking dish and flatten evenly.
    4. Bake for 25 minutes, then let cool before cutting into strips.

    4. Cheesy Sweet Potato & Broccoli Mash

    Soft, creamy, and packed with nutrients.
    ✅ Ingredients:

    • 1 medium sweet potato, peeled and cubed
    • ½ cup broccoli florets
    • ¼ cup grated mild cheese (cheddar or gouda)
    • 1 tsp butter or olive oil
    • Pinch of nutmeg (optional)

    👉 Instructions:

    1. Steam or boil sweet potatoes and broccoli until very soft.
    2. Mash together with cheese and butter.
    3. Serve as a soft scoopable mash or spread on toast strips.

    5. Simple Chickpea Pancakes (Socca-Style)

    High in protein and iron, with a mild savory taste.
    ✅ Ingredients:

    • ½ cup chickpea flour
    • ¼ cup water
    • ½ tsp ground cumin
    • ½ tsp dried oregano
    • 1 tsp olive oil

    👉 Instructions:

    1. Mix all ingredients into a smooth batter.
    2. Heat a pan and pour small rounds, cooking 2-3 minutes per side.
    3. Let cool slightly before serving.

    6. Chickpea & Sweet Potato Patties

    Soft, flavorful, and easy to hold, these patties are packed with protein and fiber.

    Ingredients:

    • 1 cup cooked chickpeas (or canned, drained and rinsed)
    • 1 small sweet potato, cooked and mashed
    • ¼ cup oat flour (or breadcrumbs)
    • ½ tsp ground cumin
    • ½ tsp garlic powder
    • 1 tbsp olive oil
    • Water as needed

    Instructions:

    1. Mash the chickpeas and sweet potato together in a bowl.
    2. Add oat flour, cumin, garlic powder, and a little olive oil. Mix well.
    3. If the mixture is too dry, add a teaspoon of water at a time until it holds together.
    4. Form small patties and place them on a lined baking sheet.
    5. Bake at 180°C (350°F) for 15-20 minutes, flipping halfway.
    6. Serve with a yogurt dip or plain for easy self-feeding.

    7. Soft Scrambled Eggs with Avocado Toast Strips

    A quick, high-protein breakfast that’s easy for little hands to grasp.

    Ingredients:

    • 2 eggs
    • 1 tbsp milk (or dairy-free alternative)
    • ½ ripe avocado
    • 1 slice whole grain bread
    • ½ tsp butter or olive oil

    Instructions:

    1. Whisk eggs with milk and cook slowly over low heat, stirring constantly until soft and creamy.
    2. Toast the bread lightly, then mash avocado on top.
    3. Cut the toast into thin strips for easy grasping.
    4. Serve alongside scrambled eggs, allowing the child to pick up pieces with their hands.

    8. Banana Oat Pancakes

    Naturally sweet and soft enough for babies to chew without teeth.

    Ingredients:

    • 1 ripe banana, mashed
    • ½ cup oats (blended into flour)
    • 1 egg
    • ¼ tsp cinnamon
    • 1 tbsp milk (or dairy-free alternative)
    • ½ tsp coconut oil for cooking

    Instructions:

    1. Mix banana, oat flour, egg, cinnamon, and milk in a bowl.
    2. Heat coconut oil in a pan over medium-low heat.
    3. Pour small spoonfuls of batter into the pan, cooking 2-3 minutes per side.
    4. Let cool slightly before serving. Can be cut into strips for easy holding.

    9. Lentil & Carrot Mini Muffins

    A great way to introduce lentils in a soft, baby-friendly form.

    Ingredients:

    • ½ cup cooked red lentils
    • ½ cup grated carrot
    • ¼ cup whole wheat flour
    • 1 egg
    • ½ tsp baking powder
    • ½ tsp mild curry powder (optional)
    • 2 tbsp olive oil

    Instructions:

    1. Preheat oven to 180°C (350°F).
    2. In a bowl, mix lentils, grated carrot, flour, egg, baking powder, and curry powder.
    3. Add olive oil and stir to combine.
    4. Spoon into mini muffin tins and bake for 12-15 minutes until firm.
    5. Let cool before serving. These freeze well for easy future meals.

    10. Cheesy Quinoa & Veggie Bites

    A great way to add protein and veggies in a fun, bite-sized form.

    Ingredients:

    • 1 cup cooked quinoa
    • ½ cup shredded zucchini (squeezed to remove excess moisture)
    • ¼ cup grated cheese (mild cheddar or mozzarella)
    • 1 egg
    • ½ tsp dried oregano

    Instructions:

    1. Preheat oven to 180°C (350°F).
    2. Mix all ingredients in a bowl.
    3. Form into small balls or patties and place on a baking sheet.
    4. Bake for 12-15 minutes, flipping halfway.
    5. Serve warm, or store in the fridge for easy snacks.

    Structuring Meals for Self-Feeding Success

    One of the biggest concerns parents have with this stage of picky eating is food waste—it’s frustrating to prepare a meal only to see most of it end up on the floor. However, this phase is temporary and serves an important developmental purpose. Children learn through exploration, and the more opportunities they have to feed themselves, the more confident and independent they become.

    1. Serve Family-Style & Eat the Same Food

    Instead of preparing separate meals, serve the same food to the whole family with minor adjustments (e.g., cutting food into manageable pieces or omitting salt/spicy seasonings for the baby).

    • This not only reduces waste but also models good eating habits.
    • Babies are more likely to try foods if they see their parents eating them with enjoyment.
    • If cooking small portions seems impractical, make extra and store leftovers for easy meals later.

    2. Offer Small Portions First

    • Instead of overwhelming the plate, start with tiny amounts—just a couple of fritters, a spoonful of lentils, or a small pancake.
    • You can always refill as needed, but this prevents large amounts from being thrown.

    3. Encourage Exploration Without Pressure

    • If your child grabs at your food or reaches for utensils, they’re showing a natural drive to imitate.
    • Instead of forcing them to eat from their plate, offer them their own child-friendly utensils and a similar dish.
    • If they reject food at first, stay neutral—sometimes just seeing food on the table multiple times is enough for them to accept it later.

    4. Make Mealtimes Enjoyable & Low-Stress

    • Keep conversation light and engaging instead of focusing on how much they eat.
    • Allow reasonable mess—it’s part of learning. Using a silicone bib with a food-catching pocket or placing a mat under the high chair can help minimize cleanup stress.
    • Avoid distractions like TV or toys, which can disconnect the child from the eating experience.

    Final Thoughts

    Picky eating around age one is not a behavioral problem—it’s a developmental step toward independence. While it can feel exhausting, the more autonomy a child has now, the easier mealtimes will become as they grow. By serving nutrient-dense meals the whole family can enjoy, offering small portions, and staying calm through the mess, you can set the stage for a healthy, confident eater.

    Join the conversation!

    Picky eating can be a frustrating phase, but it’s also an incredible opportunity to watch your little one grow into an independent eater. Have you experienced this stage with your child? What strategies or meals worked best for you? Share your thoughts in the comments—we’d love to hear your perspective!

    As you navigate the challenges of mealtime, try shifting your focus to the small moments of connection—your child’s determination, their curiosity, and the joy of shared meals. These “glimmer moments” can help reframe frustration into appreciation. Learn more about glimmers and journaling for a more mindful parenting journey: The Rewards of Motherhood: Finding Meaning, Growth, and Everyday Magic.

    And if mealtime struggles leave you feeling exhausted or short-tempered, you’re not alone. Often, the frustration we feel as parents is deeply connected to our own unmet needs. Explore the roots of mother rage and how to care for yourself in the process: Mother Rage and the Hidden Wounds of Childhood Emotional Neglect: Understanding, Healing, and Finding Peace

  • The Electra Complex & the CEN Mother: When a Daughter’s Love Feels Like Rejection

    Introduction: When Your Daughter’s Love for Dad Feels Like a Loss

    For many mothers, their daughter’s growing attachment to her father is a normal, even sweet, phase of childhood. But for others—especially those who experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)—this shift can feel like an unexpected emotional wound.

    You may notice your daughter:

    • Choosing Dad over you for everyday moments—she insists that he reads her bedtime story, helps her brush her teeth, or tucks her in at night.
    • Seeking his attention first—running past you to hug him after daycare or calling for him when she’s excited.
    • Being dismissive of your presence—saying “No, not you, Daddy do it!” when you try to help.
    • Becoming more physically affectionate with him—climbing onto his lap while barely acknowledging you.
    • Correcting you or defending him—siding with Dad in small disagreements and saying things like “Daddy is stronger” or “Daddy is better than you.”
    • Wanting him to do things even when you\’re available—she asks him to bring her a snack even when you’re sitting next to her, or calls for him to pick her up when she falls.
    • Expressing a desire to replace you—saying “I’m going to marry Daddy when I grow up” or “Go away, Mommy.”

    For a securely attached mother, these behaviors may feel bittersweet but not deeply distressing. She recognizes that it’s just a normal developmental phase, not a sign of rejection.

    However, for a mother who grew up feeling invisible, unwanted, or emotionally deprived, these moments can feel deeply painful—as if history is repeating itself.

    If you’ve ever thought:

    • “Why doesn’t she want me?”
    • “She loves him more than me.”
    • “Am I failing as a mother?”
    • “This reminds me of how I felt as a child—unimportant.”

    Then this article is for you.

    We’re going to explore:

    • What the Electra complex is and how it plays out in young girls.
    • Why it can be especially triggering for a mother with a history of emotional neglect.
    • The role of attachment, trauma, and unconscious parenting patterns.
    • How to navigate this phase without emotional withdrawal or self-blame.

    This isn’t just about understanding your daughter’s development—it’s about using this moment as an opportunity for your own healing, ensuring that your past doesn’t dictate your future relationship with your child.

    The Electra Complex: Understanding a Daughter’s Strong Attachment to Her Father

    The Electra complex, first described by Carl Jung as a counterpart to Freud’s Oedipus complex, refers to a phase in early childhood (typically between ages 3-6) when a little girl forms a particularly strong attachment to her father while simultaneously experiencing a degree of rivalry or emotional distancing from her mother.

    This phase is not universal, nor is it pathological—it’s a natural part of psychological development in which a child is exploring attachment, identity, and differentiation.

    Signs of the Electra Complex in Young Girls

    1. Increased preference for Dad

    • She asks for him first, insists that only he can help her get dressed, read her a bedtime story, or take her to the park.
    • She may refuse your help, even when he is unavailable, leading to meltdowns or frustration.

    2. Verbal expressions of love and exclusivity

    • She may say things like, “I love Daddy the most!” or “I’m going to marry Daddy when I grow up.”
    • If you tease her about her love for him, she might react strongly, seeing it as a challenge.

    3. Possessiveness over Dad

    • She might physically position herself between you and him, refusing to let you sit next to him on the couch.
    • She could become jealous if you and Dad are affectionate, pushing you away or interrupting your conversations.

    4. Mild rejection or rivalry toward Mom

    • She may correct or contradict you in favor of Dad (“Daddy says it’s not like that!”).
    • At times, she might imitate your behaviors in a critical or exaggerated way.
    • She may start to say things like “Go away, Mommy” or “Daddy is better at everything.”

    Why Does This Happen?

    • Developmental exploration – She is experimenting with different attachments and testing emotional boundaries.
    • Identity formation – She may be starting to understand gender roles and unconsciously sees you as a \”rival\” for Dad’s attention.
    • Emotional safety – If Dad is more playful, easygoing, or indulgent, she may naturally gravitate toward him during this phase.

    This preference usually fades naturally over time as the child integrates a more balanced sense of connection to both parents. However, if a mother has a history of childhood emotional neglect (CEN), this phase may feel far more painful than it actually is—not because of what’s happening now, but because of what it unconsciously brings up from her own past.

    Why This Feels Harder for a Mother with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)

    For most mothers, this phase is a temporary and normal shift in attachment. However, if you grew up with emotional neglect, your response may be more intense and painful.

    How CEN Shapes a Mother’s Reaction to the Electra Complex

    1. Rejection Feels Familiar and Wounding

    • If your own parents were emotionally unavailable, distant, or rejecting, your daughter’s preference for Dad might feel like history repeating itself.
    • Even though her behavior is developmentally normal, your nervous system might interpret it as a deep wound.

    2. Unconscious Fear of Being “Not Enough”

    • Many CEN mothers struggle with self-worth and may think, \”If my own daughter doesn’t want me, maybe I really am unlovable.\”
    • This can lead to self-doubt, emotional withdrawal, or guilt-based overcompensation.

    3. Envy and Pain Toward the Partner

    • You might notice resentment toward your partner, even if he’s not doing anything wrong.
    • Seeing how easily your daughter connects with him may bring up grief over what you never had with your own parents.

    4. Difficulty Staying Emotionally Available

    • If you unconsciously shut down or pull away in response to feeling rejected, your daughter might sense your withdrawal and react with even more clinginess toward Dad.
    • This creates a cycle where your unprocessed wounds impact your ability to stay fully present.

    Signs That Your Own CEN History is Being Triggered

    • You feel disproportionately hurt by her choosing Dad over you.
    • You notice yourself emotionally shutting down or withdrawing when she rejects you.
    • You experience waves of resentment toward your partner, even when he’s being a good father.
    • You feel like a failure as a mother or wonder “Why doesn’t she love me?”
    • The experience brings up childhood memories of feeling invisible, unwanted, or less loved than a sibling/parent figure.

    This is not a personal failing—it’s an opportunity for self-awareness and healing. By understanding how CEN distorts your perception of attachment, you can consciously step out of old patterns and reframe the experience.

    Breaking the Cycle: How to Respond with Awareness

    Instead of reacting from a place of old wounds, try approaching this phase with intentional emotional regulation and connection.

    1. Recognize That It’s Not Personal

    • Your daughter’s behavior is not about rejecting you—it’s about her developmental need to explore attachment.
    • Remind yourself: “This is a phase, not a reflection of my worth as a mother.”

    2. Acknowledge and Soothe Your Inner Child

    • Ask yourself: “What does this remind me of from my own childhood?”
    • When you feel triggered, pause and practice self-compassion. You’re not reliving the past—you have the power to break the cycle.

    3. Stay Emotionally Present, Even When It’s Hard

    • If you feel like withdrawing, gently lean in instead.
    • Find small ways to connect without forcing it—a soft smile, a warm touch, an invitation to play.

    4. Strengthen Your Unique Bond with Your Daughter

    • Instead of competing for attention, nurture your connection in your own way.
    • Find special rituals that are just for the two of you (a bedtime song, a secret handshake, a baking tradition).

    5. Work on Your Own Healing

    • This phase can be a powerful mirror for your own emotional wounds.
    • Therapy (especially IFS, somatic work, or EMDR) can help you process and reframe these emotions.

    Healing Takes Time, But You Are Not Alone

    If this phase feels painful, triggering, or overwhelming, remember:

    • You are not failing as a mother.
    • Your past does not define your ability to create a new kind of relationship with your child.
    • Healing your own wounds will deepen your capacity for secure, joyful motherhood.

    Your daughter does love you—this is just a developmental passage. And as you heal your own childhood wounds, you’re giving her the greatest gift possible: a mother who shows up fully, despite her past.

    Recommended Books on Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) & Attachment

    • \”Running on Empty\” – Jonice Webb, PhD (Excellent for understanding CEN and its impact on parenting.)
    • \”The Body Keeps the Score\” – Bessel van der Kolk, MD (Explores how childhood emotional wounds shape the nervous system.)
    • \”Hold On to Your Kids\” – Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Maté (Discusses parent-child attachment and why parental presence is key.)
    • \”Mother Hunger\” – Kelly McDaniel (Addresses how maternal emotional neglect shapes a woman’s emotional world.)
    • \”Parenting from the Inside Out\” – Daniel J. Siegel & Mary Hartzell (Great for breaking generational emotional patterns.)

    (If you’re looking for books to help you through this journey, I’ve included Amazon affiliate links—but please support local bookstores or thrift shops when possible! If you were going to buy from Amazon anyway, I’d appreciate you using my link.)

    Therapy Approaches That Can Help

    If this phase is bringing up deep pain, consider working with a therapist trained in one of these approaches:

    1. Internal Family Systems (IFS) – Helps you identify wounded inner parts (like your \”neglected child\” self) and nurture them with self-compassion.
    2. Somatic Experiencing (SE) – Supports you in processing emotions stored in the body, particularly from early childhood.
    3. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) – Can help you work through past rejection or emotional neglect.
    4. Attachment-Based Therapy – Focuses on healing relationship wounds and building emotional security.

    Self-directed healing through journaling and mindfulness can also be deeply healing. This is why I’ve prepared a free downloadable worksheet with journaling prompts. I hope you’ll find it therapeutic:

    Download journaling worksheet for free

    Q&A: Common Concerns for CEN Mothers During This Phase

    Q: My daughter only wants her dad, and it breaks my heart. How do I cope?
    A: Remind yourself that this is a normal and temporary phase, not a reflection of your worth. Instead of forcing closeness, focus on staying emotionally available in small ways (gentle eye contact, playful interactions, simple acts of care).

    Q: I feel intense resentment toward my partner because of this. What can I do?
    A: Acknowledge that this isn’t really about him—it’s about the wounds this dynamic is triggering in you. Share your feelings vulnerably rather than with blame (“I’m noticing I feel left out, and I think it’s bringing up some old stuff for me.”). Seeking support through therapy or journaling can help.

    Q: How do I make sure I don’t withdraw from my daughter?
    A: Try leaning in with curiosity rather than fear. If she refuses your help, you can still stay present—sit nearby, offer a warm smile, or show up in ways that feel non-threatening. Small, consistent moments of connection matter more than big gestures.

    Q: What if my daughter’s preference for Dad never goes away?
    A: Over time, children develop a more balanced attachment to both parents. Your unique bond will unfold naturally if you keep showing up with warmth and consistency. If the preference persists, it may be helpful to explore whether there are dynamics at play in the family system (e.g., different parenting styles, subtle emotional distance).

    Conclusion: A Message for CEN Mothers

    If this phase is triggering deep pain, you are not alone. The discomfort you feel is not because you are failing as a mother—it’s because this experience is shining a light on your own unmet childhood needs. This is hard, but it’s also an opportunity for healing.

    By becoming aware of your emotional triggers and choosing to respond differently, you are breaking a cycle that may have lasted for generations. Your daughter doesn’t need you to be perfect—she just needs you to keep showing up, even in your imperfection.

    You are doing better than you think. And most importantly—your daughter does love you.

    If you currently feel lost and overwhelmed, read about The Unexpected Challenges of Motherhood: A Dark Night of the Soul (and how to eventually emerge from it!)

    Find yourself grieving the loss of your pre-motherhood self? Check out the following guide guide for a deep dive into the maiden to mother transition.

    Share your experience!

    Parenting through the lens of childhood emotional neglect can be deeply complex, especially when faced with your child’s intense need for connection. Have you ever struggled with feelings of inadequacy or emotional distance in moments like these? Share your thoughts, experiences, or insights in the comments below—your story might help another parent feel less alone.

  • Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child)

    Introduction: The Invisible Blueprint That Shapes Your Parenting

    You love your child. You want to be a great parent. But despite your best efforts, you sometimes find yourself reacting in ways you don’t understand—pulling away emotionally, feeling overwhelmed by your child’s neediness, or struggling with a fear of not being \”enough.\”

    If you’ve ever felt this, you’re not alone. Your attachment style—the way you learned to connect (or disconnect) in childhood—can deeply influence how you parent.

    The good news? Attachment wounds are not destiny. With awareness and healing, you can break generational cycles and create a secure, loving foundation for your child.

    This guide will help you:

    • Identify your attachment style and how it impacts your parenting. Free questionnaire included!
    • Understand the transgenerational transfer of attachment patterns.
    • Learn how trauma (CEN, CPTSD) influences attachment and parenting.
    • Discover research-backed healing approaches (IFS, EMDR, Polyvagal Theory, Somatic Work)
    • Use practical strategies and exercises to foster secure attachment in your child—even if you didn’t have it yourself.
    • Discover books and YouTube channels to start healing now

    1. Understand your Attachment Style

    Parenting is not only about meeting your child\’s physical needs but also about nurturing their emotional world. How you do this—often unconsciously—is influenced by the way you learned to connect as a child. Your attachment style, formed in early relationships, sets the blueprint for how you relate to others. When we understand these patterns, we can begin to shift them for the benefit of both ourselves and our children.

    Secure Attachment: The Foundation of Responsive Parenting

    Description & Impact:
    Secure attachment is characterized by a healthy balance of intimacy and independence. Parents with this style are comfortable both with closeness and with giving their child space. They are emotionally available, responsive, and consistent in their care.

    Example:
    Consider Clara, a mother who notices her toddler crying after a fall. Rather than panicking or dismissing the emotion, she calmly kneels beside the child, speaks in a soothing tone, and offers gentle physical comfort. Her child, feeling seen and supported, quickly regains composure and feels safe to explore further.

    Therapeutic Insight:
    Research shows that secure attachment in parents is linked to better emotional regulation and a secure base from which children explore the world (Ainsworth et al., 1978). Maintaining secure attachment involves self-awareness and consistency—qualities that nurture not only the child’s growth but also the parent\’s sense of competence and calm.

    Anxious Attachment: Navigating the Need for Reassurance

    Description & Impact:
    Parents with an anxious attachment style often have an intense need for closeness and validation. They may worry that they’re not meeting their child’s needs or fear abandonment—even by their own child. This can lead to over-involvement or hyper-vigilance.

    Example:
    Sarah, a mother with an anxious attachment style, constantly checks in on her preschooler throughout the day. When her child expresses any sign of frustration or sadness, Sarah’s heart races with worry. Although her intentions are loving, her repeated reassurances can sometimes overwhelm her child, inadvertently reinforcing the child’s own anxiety about being away from their mother’s constant presence.

    Therapeutic Insight:
    Studies indicate that anxious attachment in parents can result in higher stress levels and difficulties in regulating emotions (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). To help soothe these tendencies, practices like mindfulness and self-soothing techniques can be effective. For example, Sarah might benefit from a daily mindfulness exercise to center herself, thereby enabling a calmer, more balanced response when her child needs comfort.

    Avoidant Attachment: The Challenge of Emotional Distance

    Description & Impact:
    Avoidant attachment is marked by a strong emphasis on self-reliance and an avoidance of emotional intimacy. Parents with this style might struggle to express affection or engage deeply with their child’s emotional needs, often defaulting to a more detached, “practical” approach.

    Example:
    Jessica, who exhibits avoidant attachment, often feels uncomfortable when her child cries. Instead of offering a warm embrace or gentle reassurance, she might dismiss the emotions with a quick “It’s okay, don’t worry about it,” leaving her child with an unspoken message that their feelings aren’t important.

    Therapeutic Insight:
    This emotional distance can affect the child’s ability to form secure bonds later in life. Research suggests that children of avoidantly attached parents may have difficulty trusting others and expressing their own emotions (Cassidy & Shaver, 2008). Healing in this area often involves gradually practicing vulnerability—small, intentional acts of connection such as daily cuddles or verbal affirmations that help both the parent and child feel more secure.

    Disorganized Attachment: The Struggle with Unpredictability

    Description & Impact:
    Disorganized attachment arises from inconsistent or even frightening caregiving in childhood. This style is often seen in parents who themselves have experienced trauma or neglect. Their emotional responses can swing unpredictably between warmth and withdrawal, leaving children confused and anxious.

    Example:
    Lucy, a mother with disorganized attachment, may sometimes shower her child with affection and care, only to suddenly become distant or even reactive when stressed. This unpredictability makes it difficult for her child to develop a reliable sense of security, as they can never be sure how their emotions will be met.

    Searching for a transformational book? See why Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood is an excellent choice.

    Therapeutic Insight:
    Disorganized attachment is closely linked with complex trauma, including CEN and CPTSD (Cloitre et al., 2009). Healing requires both internal and relational work—practices such as Internal Family Systems (IFS) can help Lucy identify and soothe the conflicted parts of herself that cause these erratic responses. Additionally, engaging in therapies like EMDR can help process the deep-rooted traumas contributing to disorganized patterns, and somatic practices (such as grounding exercises) can stabilize her nervous system during moments of overwhelm.

    Connection to Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) and CPTSD

    Both Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) and Complex PTSD (CPTSD) can significantly influence how attachment styles develop. CEN, which involves the absence of emotional responsiveness during childhood, often results in feelings of emptiness, difficulty in expressing emotions, and challenges in forming secure relationships. CPTSD, which can develop from prolonged exposure to trauma, intensifies these challenges, leading to heightened emotional reactivity or numbness.

    How It Plays Out in Parenting:

    • A mother who experienced CEN might find herself emotionally disconnected when her child expresses vulnerability, simply because she never learned how to validate those feelings in herself.
    • Similarly, CPTSD can lead to a cycle where the parent is either overly reactive or deeply withdrawn, making consistent, secure attachment more challenging.

    Research Insight:
    Studies have found that adults with a history of CEN and CPTSD often struggle with self-regulation and establishing secure attachments (Ogden et al., 2006). Recognizing these patterns is the first step in breaking the cycle—by understanding your own wounds, you can consciously work to provide the care your child deserves.

    By understanding these attachment styles and their impacts, you can begin to see how your own early experiences and unresolved emotional wounds may be influencing your parenting today. This self-awareness is the cornerstone of change—allowing you to adopt strategies that foster secure attachment and help break harmful generational cycles.

    Assess your own attachment style

    Download the following free questionnaire and take time to reflect on the various statements. You’ll also find instructions for evaluating your results. This should give you an idea what to start addressing on your healing journey. Although it does take time, secure attachment can definitely be earned and is well worth the work.

    Download free questionnaire

    Unless we heal ourselves, we are set to unwillingly transfer our wounds to our children. We will discuss how this happens in the following section of this guide.

    2. Transgenerational Transfer of Attachment Patterns

    Our attachment patterns do not emerge in isolation; they are woven into the fabric of our family histories. The way we connect with our caregivers shapes our emotional blueprint, and that blueprint often becomes the model we use to relate to our own children. This transgenerational transfer of attachment patterns occurs largely unconsciously, through both behavioral modeling and subtle, biological processes.

    How Attachment Patterns Are Passed Down Unknowingly

    1. Modeling and Learned Behavior:
    From the moment we are born, we observe and internalize how our caregivers interact with us. For example, if a parent consistently responds with warmth and reassurance, a child learns that closeness is safe and rewarding. Conversely, if a parent is emotionally distant or inconsistent, the child may come to expect that love and care are unpredictable. These early experiences create an internal template that influences how we later relate to our own children.

    • Example:
      Consider a mother who grew up with a parent who rarely expressed affection. Unknowingly, she might struggle to provide consistent warmth to her own child. Even if she deeply desires to be nurturing, her internalized blueprint may lead her to be distant during moments of stress, reinforcing a cycle of insecurity.

    2. Mirror Neurons and Biological Synchrony:
    Research in neuroscience has highlighted the role of mirror neurons—cells in our brain that activate when we observe the actions or emotions of others. These neurons help us empathize and learn from our caregivers\’ emotional responses. When a child sees their parent reacting to stress or joy, their brain “mirrors” that behavior, laying the groundwork for future emotional regulation.

    • Research Insight:
      Studies suggest that mirror neurons contribute to our ability to “read” others’ emotions (Rizzolatti & Craighero, 2004). This neurological mechanism reinforces the idea that children absorb not just explicit behaviors but also the subtle, underlying emotional states of their parents.

    3. Nervous System Co-Regulation:
    Beyond behavioral modeling, the intimate, physical interactions between a parent and child (like holding, eye contact, and soothing touch) play a crucial role in nervous system co-regulation. When a caregiver is emotionally available, their calm state helps the child learn how to self-regulate. However, if a parent’s own nervous system is dysregulated—perhaps due to unresolved trauma—the child’s developing nervous system may also become more reactive or insecure.

    • Example:
      A parent who experiences anxiety or dysregulation (often rooted in their own attachment wounds) may inadvertently transmit these states to their child. Over time, this can make it harder for the child to develop a stable, secure sense of emotional safety.

    Unresolved Childhood Wounds and Their Impact on Child Attachment

    When parents carry unresolved wounds—stemming from Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) or Complex PTSD (C-PTSD)—they may unintentionally recreate similar emotional environments for their children. The parent’s internal struggles with self-worth, trust, and emotional expression can translate into behaviors that leave the child feeling uncertain or insecure about their own worth and safety.

    • Example:
      If a parent was raised in an environment where expressing emotions was discouraged, they might find it difficult to validate or respond to their child’s emotional needs. The child, in turn, may internalize the message that their feelings are unimportant, perpetuating a cycle of emotional neglect.

    Breaking the Cycle

    Understanding that these patterns are transmitted both behaviorally and biologically is a powerful first step toward breaking the cycle. Here are some strategies:

    • Increase Self-Awareness:
      Reflect on your own childhood experiences and consider how they might be influencing your interactions today. Journaling and self-assessment questionnaires can help identify recurring patterns. Here is a downloadable worksheet with journaling prompts: download for free
    • Engage in Therapeutic Work:
      Approaches like Internal Family Systems (IFS) and EMDR can help process and heal unresolved wounds, allowing you to shift your internal blueprint.
    • IFS encourages you to listen compassionately to your inner “parts” and heal the wounded inner child, fostering a sense of wholeness.
    • EMDR helps reprocess traumatic memories so that they no longer trigger intense emotional responses.
    • Practice Co-Regulation:
      Focus on creating a calm, predictable environment for your child. Small, consistent acts of touch, eye contact, and verbal reassurance help teach your child that they are safe. Mindfulness and somatic exercises (like grounding techniques or deep breathing) can be especially useful.
    • Educate Yourself and Seek Support:
      Learning about attachment theory and its impact on parenting can empower you to make conscious choices. Support groups, therapy, and even reading recommended books can provide ongoing guidance.

    Research and Reflection

    The scientific community continues to explore how early attachment experiences shape our neural pathways and emotional responses. For instance, research by Schore (2001) demonstrates that early relationships directly affect brain development, influencing our capacity for empathy, self-regulation, and trust. Recognizing these patterns can be a transformative insight for parents who wish to break free from cycles of insecurity.

    In summary, our attachment patterns are deeply interwoven with our early experiences, transmitted unconsciously through both our behaviors and our biology. Recognizing and understanding these patterns is the first step in healing—for both you and your child.

    3. Frameworks for Healing & Breaking the Cycle

    Healing your attachment wounds is a journey—a process of reclaiming your capacity for connection, both with yourself and your child. Several therapeutic frameworks have proven effective in helping parents process past traumas and shift their emotional patterns. In this section, we explore key modalities and practices that can transform your parenting experience.

    Internal Family Systems (IFS)

    What It Is:
    IFS is a therapeutic approach developed by Richard Schwartz that views the mind as made up of multiple “parts,” each with its own perspective and feelings. These parts often represent voices or subpersonalities, such as a wounded inner child, a critical inner voice, or a protective part. The goal of IFS is to help you identify, understand, and harmonize these parts.

    How It Helps in Parenting:

    • Healing the Inner Child: Many attachment wounds stem from unmet childhood needs. IFS encourages you to listen to your inner child—the part that felt abandoned or neglected—and offer it compassion and care.
    • Reducing Reactivity: When you’re triggered by your child’s emotions, IFS helps you recognize which part is activated and why. This creates space to respond rather than react impulsively.
    • Enhancing Emotional Regulation: By acknowledging and integrating your various parts, you can build internal harmony, leading to a calmer, more attuned presence as a parent.

    Practical IFS Exercise:

    1. When you feel triggered by your child’s behavior, pause and take a few deep breaths.
    2. Ask yourself, “Which part of me is feeling hurt or scared right now?”
    3. Visualize that part and speak to it as you would to a wounded child: “I see you’re hurting. I’m here to take care of you.”
    4. Allow that part to share its feelings, and thank it for trying to protect you.
    5. Notice how this self-compassion softens your reaction, allowing you to respond with care.

    EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

    What It Is:
    EMDR is an evidence-based therapy primarily used for treating trauma and PTSD. It involves guided eye movements (or other forms of bilateral stimulation) to help reprocess traumatic memories so that they lose their emotional charge.

    How It Helps in Parenting:

    • Reprocessing Traumatic Memories: EMDR helps you revisit painful memories from your past—such as moments of emotional neglect—in a safe, structured way. Over time, these memories become less triggering.
    • Creating New Neural Pathways: By reprocessing trauma, you can reshape your emotional responses, making it easier to parent without being overwhelmed by past hurts.
    • Enhancing Self-Regulation: As your trauma responses lessen, you can engage more fully with your child’s needs without being dragged into old, reactive patterns.

    Practical Considerations:

    • Find a Certified Therapist: EMDR should be done with a trained professional. If you’re interested in this modality, consider seeking out a therapist who specializes in trauma and attachment issues.
    • Reflect Post-Session: Journaling after sessions can help you integrate your new insights and notice changes in your emotional responses.

    Somatic Work

    What It Is:
    Somatic therapy emphasizes the body’s role in processing and healing trauma. It involves techniques that help you become aware of bodily sensations and release tension that is often stored in the body due to emotional distress.

    How It Helps in Parenting:

    • Releasing Stored Tension: Physical practices like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and gentle movement can help reduce the physiological effects of stress.
    • Improving Self-Regulation: By tuning into your body, you can catch early signs of emotional overwhelm and take steps to calm your nervous system.
    • Building a Mind-Body Connection: As you become more aware of your physical sensations, you can better understand how past traumas affect your present behavior.

    Practical Somatic Exercises:

    • Grounding: Stand or sit with your feet flat on the ground. Slowly inhale, noticing the connection between your feet and the floor. Exhale deeply, imagining any tension flowing away.
    • Body Scan Meditation: Take 5–10 minutes to mentally scan your body from head to toe. Notice areas of tension, and as you breathe, consciously release the tightness.
    • Humming or Deep Sighing: These simple actions can stimulate the vagus nerve, helping shift your body from a state of fight-or-flight to calm.

    Polyvagal Theory

    What It Is:
    Developed by Stephen Porges, Polyvagal Theory explains how our autonomic nervous system responds to stress. It highlights three states: a calm, social engagement state (ventral vagal), a fight-or-flight state (sympathetic), and a shutdown state (dorsal vagal).

    How It Helps in Parenting:

    • Recognizing Your State: Understanding whether you’re in a calm state or a state of high alert can help you choose appropriate responses to your child’s emotional cues.
    • Co-Regulation: When you’re calm, you can help your child feel safe and regulated. Simple practices like deep breathing together or engaging in calming activities can foster connection.
    • Restoring Safety: Knowing the signs of dysregulation empowers you to use quick techniques (like gentle touch or soft humming) to shift yourself—and your child—back into a state of safety.

    Practical Tip:
    When you notice yourself becoming stressed or reactive, pause for a moment, take a few slow, deep breaths, and remind yourself: “I am safe, and my child is safe.” This conscious shift can help both of you move back into a calm, connected state.

    Circle of Security

    What It Is:
    The Circle of Security is an attachment-based intervention that provides a visual and practical roadmap for understanding children’s emotional needs. It emphasizes the importance of being a secure base from which a child can explore and to which they can return for comfort.

    How It Helps in Parenting:

    • Creating Predictability: By being consistent and responsive, you help your child learn that they can rely on you when they need comfort.
    • Encouraging Exploration: When a child knows that you are a secure base, they are more likely to explore their environment confidently.
    • Repairing Ruptures: The model also emphasizes the importance of repairing moments of disconnection, turning missteps into opportunities for deeper connection.

    Practical Exercise:
    Draw a simple circle representing the safe space of your home. Reflect on how you can provide a welcoming return for your child when they feel upset, ensuring that even if they stray, they always have a secure place to come back to.

    Human Givens Approach

    What It Is:
    The Human Givens approach posits that every human being has innate needs for safety, belonging, autonomy, and meaning. When these needs are met, we thrive; when they are unmet, we experience distress.

    How It Helps in Parenting:

    • Understanding Primal Needs: This approach reminds us that secure attachment isn’t just about emotional warmth—it’s about fulfilling fundamental human needs.
    • Practical Parenting: By recognizing and addressing these needs (for instance, ensuring your child feels a sense of belonging and autonomy), you create an environment where both you and your child can flourish.
    • Holistic Healing: The Human Givens framework integrates emotional, physical, and social aspects, helping you see the bigger picture of what secure attachment requires.

    Practical Tip:
    Consider the basic human needs outlined in this model, and reflect on how your daily interactions with your child either meet or fall short of those needs. Use this insight to adjust your parenting practices accordingly.


    These healing frameworks are not isolated techniques—they are part of a holistic approach to parenting that involves both internal work and external behaviors. Whether you’re using IFS to heal your inner child, EMDR to reprocess traumatic memories, or somatic practices to regulate your body’s stress response, the goal is the same: to create a secure, loving, and stable environment for your child and for yourself.

    By integrating these approaches into your daily life, you can gradually shift your internal attachment blueprint, break the cycle of insecurity, and nurture a resilient, secure bond with your child.

    4. Book & YouTube Recommendations

    Books

    1. Attached – The New Science of Adult Attachment (Amir Levine & Rachel Heller)
      Summary: This groundbreaking book explains how different attachment styles—secure, anxious, and avoidant—affect our relationships. It offers clear explanations and practical strategies to help individuals recognize their own patterns. For parents, it provides insights into how these styles can influence interactions with their children and offers guidance on building healthier relationships.
    2. Parenting from the Inside Out (Daniel J. Siegel & Mary Hartzell)
      Summary: Using neuroscience and attachment theory, this book explores how our early experiences shape our parenting. It emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and understanding one’s own emotional history to create a secure and nurturing environment for children. The practical exercises and reflective questions can help parents break generational cycles of emotional neglect.
    3. Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers (Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Maté)
      Summary: This classic text argues that a secure attachment to parents is essential for healthy development. It challenges the prevailing trend of peer orientation and explains how strong, caring relationships between parents and children build resilience and emotional security. Its insights can guide parents in fostering deep, meaningful bonds with their children.
    4. What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing (Bruce D. Perry & Oprah Winfrey)
      Summary: This compassionate book reframes trauma by asking, “What happened to you?” rather than “What\’s wrong with you?” It provides a deep look into how early traumatic experiences, including CEN and CPTSD, shape our lives. For parents, it offers a roadmap to understanding and healing past wounds, thus improving emotional availability for their children.

    (If you’re looking for books to help you through this journey, I’ve included Amazon affiliate links—but please support local bookstores or thrift shops when possible! If you were going to buy from Amazon anyway, I’d appreciate you using my link.)

    YouTube Channels

    1. Heidi Priebe
      Summary: Heidi Priebe’s channel offers insightful videos on attachment theory, focusing particularly on avoidant and anxious patterns. Her compassionate approach helps viewers understand complex emotions and provides actionable advice for healing and building secure relationships. Her content is especially valuable for parents seeking to understand and adjust their attachment behaviors.
    2. The Holistic Psychologist
      Summary: This channel, run by Dr. Nicole LePera, covers a broad range of topics related to healing, self-awareness, and trauma recovery. Her videos often explore how childhood experiences and attachment wounds impact our present lives, including parenting. Her practical advice, reflective exercises, and emphasis on self-healing make her a great resource for mothers working to foster secure attachment.
    3. Gabor Maté
      Summary: Renowned for his work on trauma, addiction, and parenting, Gabor Maté’s channel offers profound insights into how early experiences affect our emotional and physical well-being. His discussions on trauma, attachment, and resilience provide valuable perspectives for parents seeking to understand and heal from deep-rooted wounds.

    5. Q&A Section

    Can an avoidant parent learn to be emotionally present?
    Answer: Yes. While avoidant attachment may lead to emotional distancing, consistent effort—through practices like mindfulness, physical affection, and gradual exposure to vulnerability—can help increase emotional availability over time. Therapy approaches, including IFS and somatic work, are particularly useful in gently expanding your comfort zone.

    How does attachment insecurity impact discipline?
    Answer: Insecure attachment can manifest as overly harsh discipline (to control behavior) or overly permissive discipline (to avoid conflict). Recognizing your attachment style helps you understand these patterns, allowing you to adopt more balanced, empathetic approaches to discipline that prioritize connection over punishment.

    Can I repair my child’s attachment even if I made mistakes in the past?
    Answer: Absolutely. Secure attachment is built through consistent, responsive interactions over time. Even if there have been ruptures or mistakes, the process of repair—apologizing, validating your child’s feelings, and reestablishing trust—can mend the bond. Research shows that the brain is remarkably adaptable, and small, consistent efforts can lead to lasting change.

    What if my child already shows signs of anxious or avoidant attachment?
    Answer: It’s not too late. By becoming more emotionally available and practicing co-regulation techniques, you can help your child learn that emotional expression is safe. Therapeutic interventions, such as parent-child interaction therapy (PCIT), can also be beneficial in reshaping attachment dynamics.

    Can therapy really change my attachment style?
    Answer: Yes. While attachment styles are deeply ingrained, therapies like IFS, EMDR, and somatic therapy have been shown to help reprocess and heal early wounds. With time, self-reflection, and consistent effort, many individuals experience significant shifts toward more secure attachment patterns.

    What’s the first step in healing attachment wounds?
    Answer: Awareness. Begin by acknowledging your own attachment patterns and the ways in which they affect your parenting. Self-assessment tools and journaling can be valuable first steps. Seeking professional help, such as a therapist trained in trauma and attachment work, is also highly recommended.

    How do I stop parenting from a place of fear?
    Answer: Recognize that fear often stems from unresolved past trauma. Engage in practices that foster self-compassion and emotional regulation—such as mindfulness, grounding techniques, and self-soothing exercises. Remember, it’s not about being perfect, but about being present and open to growth.

    What if my partner has a different attachment style?
    Answer: Differences in attachment styles can be challenging but also offer opportunities for growth. Open communication, couple’s therapy, and shared parenting strategies can help balance the differences. Understanding each other’s triggers and supporting one another in moments of vulnerability is key to fostering a harmonious parenting environment.

    How can I make parenting feel less overwhelming?
    Answer: Breaking parenting into small, manageable steps can help. Practice self-care, create routines that include moments of mindfulness, and seek support—whether through therapy, support groups, or trusted friends. Remember, every small step toward secure attachment and self-healing reduces the overall emotional burden.

    Healing your attachment wounds is a journey—and every step you take brings you closer to nurturing a secure, loving relationship with your child. Whether you’re working to understand your own past, engage in therapeutic practices like IFS or EMDR, or simply making time for daily mindfulness, remember that change is possible. Your willingness to explore and grow not only benefits you but also creates a legacy of emotional resilience for your child.

    Take the next step: explore the Attachment Style Self-Assessment Questionnaire and Downloadable Journaling Worksheet on Attachment & Parenting. Your journey toward healing and secure attachment starts with one small, brave step.

    Download free journaling worksheet

    Join the Conversation!

    Your experiences and insights matter. Have you noticed how your attachment style influences your parenting? What strategies have helped you build a more secure connection with your child?

    Share your thoughts in the comments below—your story might help another parent on their journey!

    You find yourself grieving the loss of your pre-motherhood self? Check out the following guide for a deep dive into the maiden to mother transition.

    If you currently feel lost and overwhelmed, read about The Unexpected challenges of motherhood: A Dark Night of the Soul (and how to eventually emerge from it!)

    References

    1. Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
    2. Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
    3. Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love. TarcherPerigee.
    4. Siegel, D. J., & Hartzell, M. (2014). Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive. TarcherPerigee.
    5. Schore, A. N. (2001). \”The effects of early relational trauma on right brain development, affect regulation, and infant mental health.\” Infant Mental Health Journal, 22(1-2), 201-269.
    6. van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.
    7. Perry, B. D., & Winfrey, O. (2021). What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing. Flatiron Books.
    8. Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
    9. Wallin, D. J. (2007). Attachment in Psychotherapy. Guilford Press.
    10. Tronick, E. Z. (2007). The Neurobehavioral and Social-Emotional Development of Infants and Children. W. W. Norton & Company.

  • Self-Care Rituals from Ancient Traditions for Modern Mothers

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    Motherhood is one of life’s most profound and transformative journeys. But it’s also an incredibly demanding experience, both physically and emotionally. Often, modern mothers find themselves so immersed in the needs of their children, household, and partners that their own well-being slips to the bottom of the priority list. However, the ancient wisdom of self-care rituals can help mothers reconnect with themselves, restore balance, and maintain their health. This guide will explore time-tested practices from various cultures, their relevance today, and how they can support mothers in navigating their unique challenges.

    The Importance of Self-Care for Mothers

    Self-care is more than just a trendy buzzword; it’s a crucial part of emotional and physical well-being. For mothers, it is the foundation that enables them to care for others. Without nurturing oneself, it’s easy to become depleted, overwhelmed, or burnt out. In fact, studies have shown that lack of self-care can contribute to depression, anxiety, and chronic stress in mothers, making it harder to care for their children or themselves.

    Self-care isn’t just about pampering; it’s about nourishing the body, mind, and soul in ways that restore vitality, happiness, and mental clarity. It’s especially crucial for mothers who may experience isolation, exhaustion, and a diminished sense of identity as they tend to the needs of their families.

    Research on Maternal Mental Health

    Research from the American Psychological Association highlights that mothers are at a higher risk for mental health challenges, especially during the postpartum period. A study published in JAMA Psychiatry found that nearly 1 in 5 mothers experience symptoms of depression or anxiety within the first year after childbirth. This underscores the importance of self-care to combat the mental strain of motherhood.

    Ancient Self-Care Rituals and Their Modern Relevance

    1. Ayurvedic Practices (India)

    Ayurveda, an ancient system of medicine from India, emphasizes balance in the mind, body, and spirit. Central to Ayurvedic self-care is the practice of Abhyanga (self-massage with warm oils). This ritual not only promotes relaxation but also improves circulation, reduces tension, and enhances emotional well-being.

    Abhyanga: The Healing Power of Oil Massage

    • How it Helps: In Ayurveda, the body is seen as a vessel that requires daily care and attention. Abhyanga restores balance, stimulates the lymphatic system, and encourages the flow of prana (life force energy).
    • Practical Tip: Mothers can use organic sesame or coconut oil for Abhyanga. Simply warm the oil and massage it gently into the skin, starting from the feet and moving upwards. It can be done as part of a morning routine or before bed for a calming effect.
    • Somatic Connection: The act of touch is deeply healing. Self-massage can reduce tension, release emotional blockages, and restore the body’s natural energy flow.

    Seasonal Routines (Dinacharya)

    • Value: Ayurveda also encourages daily and seasonal routines, known as dinacharya and ritu acharya, to harmonize with the rhythms of nature. For mothers, this can mean adjusting routines according to the changing seasons, emphasizing the importance of rest, movement, and nutrition.
    • Psychological Benefit: These routines provide structure, creating a sense of control and reducing anxiety. Rituals that honor nature’s cycles also remind mothers of the ebb and flow of their own energy levels.

    2. Japanese Self-Care Practices: Wabi-Sabi and Ikigai

    Wabi-Sabi: Embracing Imperfection

    • Value: Wabi-sabi is the Japanese philosophy that celebrates beauty in imperfection. For mothers, this concept can be incredibly liberating, as it encourages them to accept their flaws and imperfections, which are part of the human experience.
    • Psychological Benefit: Embracing wabi-sabi can alleviate the pressure of “perfect” motherhood and reduce stress. When mothers accept the messiness of life, they can experience greater peace and emotional freedom.
    • Practical Tip: Create a simple ritual to honor imperfection, like setting up a quiet space with your favorite book or flower arrangement. Enjoy the small, imperfect moments of daily life without judgment.

    Ikigai: Finding Purpose

    • Value: Ikigai is the Japanese concept of “life’s purpose” — something that brings meaning and joy. For mothers, finding their personal ikigai beyond motherhood can be transformative.
    • Psychological Benefit: Having a purpose outside of the role of mother can contribute to a sense of fulfillment and well-being. It helps mothers feel whole and deeply connected to their inner selves.
    • Practical Tip: Journaling is an excellent tool for discovering your ikigai. Reflect on your passions, values, and what brings you joy outside of parenting. Ask yourself: “What could I do that would make me feel more alive and purposeful?”

    3. African Traditions: The Power of Community and Rest

    In many African cultures, there is a strong emphasis on the power of community, particularly for new mothers. Instead of facing postpartum recovery alone, mothers are supported by the village, which provides emotional and physical help.

    The Circle of Support

    • Value: This communal support helps alleviate the isolation that many mothers experience. By engaging with other women, mothers can share their experiences and feel heard and understood.
    • Psychological Benefit: Research has shown that strong social connections can buffer the negative effects of stress and depression. Social support is crucial for mental health and emotional resilience.
    • Practical Tip: If you don’t have access to a physical community, consider creating a virtual support group for mothers. Share experiences, exchange advice, and provide emotional support through regular check-ins.

    Rest and Recuperation Rituals

    • Value: In many African traditions, mothers are given time to rest and recuperate after childbirth, allowing their bodies to heal and their spirits to be nurtured.
    • Psychological Benefit: Rest is vital for recovery, both physically and emotionally. Allowing yourself to rest without guilt can reduce postpartum depression and anxiety.
    • Practical Tip: Schedule regular periods of rest and self-care, even if it’s just a few hours a week. Prioritize your needs, knowing that your well-being is essential for both you and your family.

    4. Scandinavian Practices: Hygge and Simple Pleasures

    Hygge: Finding Joy in the Everyday

    • Value: The Danish concept of hygge revolves around creating cozy, comforting environments. For mothers, hygge can provide a sense of warmth, comfort, and relaxation amidst the chaos of daily life.
    • Psychological Benefit: Embracing hygge can reduce stress and encourage mindfulness. Focusing on simple pleasures like a warm cup of tea, cozy blankets, and soft lighting can enhance happiness and well-being.
    • Practical Tip: Set up a “hygge” moment for yourself — perhaps a quiet afternoon with a hot drink, a good book, and soothing music. Take time to enjoy the small, peaceful moments in your day.

    This article on the gifts of motherhood includes many more examples of little joys and a free journaling worksheet for a sense of gratitude and accomplishment.

    Somatic Work: Reconnecting with Your Body

    Self-care is not just about mental or emotional practices but also about reconnecting with your body. Somatic practices — those that involve conscious physical movement — are especially beneficial for mothers, helping to release stored tension and emotions in the body.

    Somatic Practices to Try

    • Yoga: Gentle, restorative yoga is a powerful tool for grounding and releasing tension. Poses like Child’s Pose, Downward Dog, and Savasana promote relaxation and awareness. There are also many routines you can find on YouTube. Some of my favourites channels include Soulsaol Holistics (e.g. Psychical and Mental Tension Relief), Cole Chance Yoga (e.g. Yoga for Back Pain) and Nirvana Noy (e.g. Kundalini Yoga Practice).
    • Breathwork: Deep breathing exercises, such as diaphragmatic breathing or box breathing, help activate the parasympathetic nervous system, reducing stress and promoting calm. For a guided version, try the following Soma Breath Meditation.
    • Body Scan Meditation: This practice involves mentally scanning your body from head to toe, noticing any areas of tension, and consciously releasing them.
    • Guided meditations: A great alternative with many recordings freely available. Some are for general relaxation, others target specific issues. There are different styles and lengths, so it’s about finding what suits your needs. A favourite of mine is the following channel with a wide range of topics: YouTube channel EnTrance
    • None of those links is sponsored, I just love their content.

    Creating Your Personalized Self-Care Ritual

    Now that you’ve learned about these ancient practices, let’s create a personalized self-care ritual tailored to your needs. Consider these questions as a starting point:

    • What rituals feel most nurturing to me?
    • What practices can I integrate into my daily or weekly routine?
    • How can I connect with my community or nature for support?

    Create a list of the rituals you’d like to try and set small, achievable goals to incorporate them into your life. Remember, self-care doesn’t need to be perfect — it’s about finding what works for you and your family.

    Conclusion: The Lifelong Benefits of Self-Care

    Self-care is not a luxury; it’s a necessity. Ancient rituals provide a wealth of wisdom, reminding mothers of the importance of nourishing themselves. By integrating these practices, mothers can reconnect with their bodies, minds, and souls, fostering a sense of balance, peace, and purpose.

    I’d love to hear how you incorporate self-care rituals into your life as a mother. What practices have you found most beneficial? Share your thoughts in the comments below!

    References

    1. Barlow, J. (2017). \”The Importance of Maternal Self-Care in Preventing Postpartum Depression,\” Journal of Clinical Psychology.
    2. White, J. (2018). \”Ayurvedic Practices for Self-Care,\” Alternative Medicine Journal.
    3. Seligman, M. (2011). Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-Being.
    4. Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. (2014). *The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma*.

  • The Rewards of Motherhood: Finding Meaning, Growth, and Everyday Magic

    Motherhood is often framed in terms of exhaustion, sacrifice, and struggle. And while those realities are undeniable, they’re only part of the picture. What’s often overlooked is the deep, soul-nourishing fulfillment that comes with being a mother. The moments of pure love, the personal transformation, the unexpected glimpses of beauty—these are the treasures of motherhood.

    This article is about those rewards: the glimmers, the growth, the meaning. We’ll explore:

    • Glimmers of joy—those small, everyday moments that light up your nervous system with warmth.
    • Motherhood as a path of personal growth—including the heroine’s journey and shadow work.
    • A renewed sense of meaning and purpose—how mothering fulfills core human needs, including the need for status, purpose, and belonging (as described in the Human Givens theory).
    • Journaling prompts to enhance your sense of gratitude, accomplishment, and connection.

    Glimmers: The Small Moments That Make It All Worth It

    “Glimmers” is a term from Polyvagal Theory, describing tiny, positive moments that regulate our nervous system and bring us feelings of safety and joy. Unlike trauma triggers, which activate our fight-or-flight response, glimmers activate the parasympathetic nervous system, allowing us to feel deeply connected and present.

    Motherhood is full of these fleeting yet powerful experiences:

    • The way your child’s face lights up when they see you after a short separation.
    • The feeling of a tiny, warm hand wrapped around your finger.
    • Hearing your child’s first “I love you” or feeling their soft breath as they sleep against you.
    • When your child shares something personal with you, revealing their trust and love.
    • The deep exhale of relief when a fussy baby finally settles into sleep in your arms.
    • A moment of uncontrollable laughter over something silly and unexpected.
    • Seeing your own childhood reflected in their eyes, their joy, their curiosity.
    • When they comfort you, showing an unfiltered, intuitive love.
    • The peace of watching them explore—digging in the dirt, chasing birds, splashing in water.
    • The way your heart swells when you see them accomplish something for the first time.

    Exercise: Identifying Your Own Glimmers

    Take a moment to reflect on the glimmers in your own motherhood journey. If you struggle to notice them, try keeping a “Glimmers Journal”—each night, write down one small but beautiful moment from the day. Over time, you’ll start to train your brain to see and savor these moments.

    Motherhood as a Journey of Personal Growth and Shadow Work

    Motherhood isn’t just about raising children—it’s also about raising yourself into a more healed, self-aware version of you. It’s one of life’s most intense catalysts for growth, forcing you to confront:

    • Your own childhood wounds (triggers from the past surface in your reactions to your child).
    • Perfectionism and control (learning to embrace the chaos of parenting).
    • Patience and surrender (realizing you cannot rush the process of childhood).
    • Boundaries and self-worth (understanding that your needs matter too).

    The Heroine’s Journey in Motherhood

    Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey is often applied to male-dominated myths, but Maureen Murdock’s Heroine’s Journey describes the feminine path of transformation. Motherhood aligns perfectly with this model:

    • Separation from the old self—Becoming a mother shatters your previous identity.
    • Descent into the underworld—Experiencing overwhelm, exhaustion, or identity loss.
    • Meeting the shadow—Facing deep-seated fears, wounds, and childhood conditioning.
    • Integration and rebirth—Emerging with a new sense of self, purpose, and inner strength.

    Rather than resisting these challenges, recognizing them as part of a powerful transformation can help reframe motherhood as a path of deep personal healing.

    For a deeper exploration of this topic, read: The Heroine’s Journey Through Motherhood: A Path of Healing for Emotionally Neglected Daughters

    Fulfillment: How Motherhood Meets Core Human Needs

    The Human Givens framework teaches that every human has biological and emotional needs, including:

    • The need for meaning and purpose → Motherhood provides an unparalleled sense of purpose, knowing you are shaping the next generation.
    • The need for status and recognition → While society often downplays the importance of motherhood, its biological and evolutionary role is one of the highest forms of social contribution.
    • The need for connection and belonging → Children offer a unique, deeply bonded relationship that fulfills our drive for attachment.

    Recognizing these fulfilled needs can help counterbalance the cultural narratives that often diminish the significance of motherhood.

    How Motherhood Connects You to Something Bigger

    Motherhood can feel isolating, but at the same time, it connects you to something vast and ancient.

    • A sense of legacy – You pass down wisdom, stories, love.
    • A deeper connection to nature – Pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, and sleep cycles all mirror the rhythms of the natural world.
    • A link to all mothers before you – Every culture, every time in history, mothers have felt what you feel.

    Carl Jung & The Universal Mother Archetype

    Jungian psychology speaks of the Mother Archetype, a universal symbol of creation, nourishment, and protection. Whether we realize it or not, when we mother, we step into an ancient role—one that has existed across every culture.

    • You are part of something bigger.
    • You carry forward the essence of life itself.
    • You are both an individual and a link in an unbroken chain.

    Journaling Prompts for Gratitude and a Sense of Accomplishment + Free PDF Journal

    Journaling is a powerful tool for rewiring the brain to notice and appreciate motherhood’s rewards. Try these prompts:

    • What is one small moment today that made me feel deeply connected to my child?
    • How has motherhood helped me grow emotionally?
    • What is something I handled well as a mother today?
    • How has my sense of meaning and purpose changed since becoming a parent?
    • What childhood wounds am I healing through my parenting?
    • How can I reframe a current challenge as an opportunity for personal growth?
    • What do I love most about this stage of motherhood?

    Journaling can be a powerful tool to deepen your connection to motherhood, find meaning in everyday moments, and process personal growth. Download this free worksheet with 30 journaling prompts to guide your reflections and cultivate gratitude on your motherhood journey (no email required).

    Downloaded journaling worksheet for free

    Q&A Section: Common Questions About Finding Fulfillment in Motherhood

    Q: What if I don’t feel the rewards of motherhood right now?
    A: It’s completely normal to go through seasons of burnout and emotional exhaustion. That doesn’t mean motherhood isn’t meaningful—it simply means you need support and self-care to refill your emotional reserves.

    Q: How do I stop focusing on the struggles and see more of the beauty?
    A: Awareness is the first step. Practices like mindfulness, gratitude journaling, and actively noticing glimmers can rewire your brain to focus on positive moments.

    Q: Does fulfillment in motherhood mean I don’t need anything outside of it?
    A: No! Motherhood is meaningful, but it’s not your only source of fulfillment. Personal passions, friendships, and self-care are equally important.

    Conclusion: Embracing the Rewards of Motherhood

    Motherhood isn’t just about giving—it’s also about receiving. The love, the lessons, the small moments of joy—these are all gifts. By intentionally recognizing these rewards, we can shift from feeling overwhelmed by the struggles to feeling deeply nourished by the experience.

    What is it that you love about being a mother? What are your glimmers? Share in the comments, I’d love to hear from you!

    Looking to explore the maiden to mother transition? Motherhood as a Journey of Growth: Embracing the Transition from Maiden to Mother

    Searching for a transformational book? See why Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood is an excellent choice.

    References

    • Porges, S. (1995). Polyvagal Theory: The Role of the Vagus Nerve in Emotion and Social Connection.
    • Murdock, M. (1990). The Heroine’s Journey: Woman’s Quest for Wholeness.
    • Griffin, J., & Tyrrell, I. (2003). Human Givens: The New Approach to Emotional Health and Clear Thinking.