Healing the Void: From CEN to Wholeness, A Psychological and Seasonal Journey

Author: moonmina55

  • Understanding Attention: A Fundamental Human Need, Not a Flaw (+free pdf)

    The Psychological & Nervous System Roots of the Need for Attention

    From our earliest moments, we learn a simple truth: to be noticed is to exist.

    When a baby cries and a caregiver responds, they receive more than just comfort—they receive a message: \”You matter.\”

    But when our bids for attention are ignored, dismissed, or shamed, we develop survival strategies to cope. Some of us loudly demand attention, while others become invisible to avoid rejection.

    💡 Key Insight: The ways we seek (or avoid) attention today are often shaped by childhood experiences.

    To deeply understand this, we need to look at psychological and nervous system frameworks that explain how we adapt when our attention needs aren’t met.

    Attachment Theory: How Early Relationships Shape Attention Patterns

    Attachment theory (Bowlby, 1969) explains how our first experiences with caregivers teach us what to expect from relationships—including whether it\’s safe to seek attention.

    🔹 Secure Attachment:
    ✔️ Grew up with consistent attention and responsiveness
    ✔️ Feels comfortable giving and receiving attention
    ✔️ Doesn’t see attention-seeking as “bad”

    🔹 Anxious Attachment:
    ⚠️ Received inconsistent attention—sometimes present, sometimes withdrawn
    ⚠️ Fears abandonment, leading to hyper-vigilance in seeking reassurance
    ⚠️ Can show up as over-explaining, needing external validation, or clinging

    🔹 Avoidant Attachment:
    ❌ Grew up with caregivers who dismissed emotional needs
    ❌ Learned to shut down emotions to avoid rejection
    ❌ Can show up as withdrawing, downplaying needs, or hyper-independence

    🔹 Disorganized Attachment:
    💔 Experienced both comfort and fear from caregivers
    💔 Alternates between craving attention and fearing rejection
    💔 Can show up as pushing people away while secretly longing for connection

    💡 Healing Insight: Our attachment patterns aren’t “flaws”—they’re protective strategies. If we struggle with attention-seeking or avoidance, it’s often because we learned that being seen wasn’t always safe.

    Internal Family Systems (IFS): How Different Parts of Us Seek Attention in Different Ways

    IFS (Schwartz, 1995) teaches that our personality isn’t a single “self”—it’s made up of different parts, each with its own role.

    When our need for attention was unmet, different parts of us learned to cope in unique ways:

    🔹 The Performer: Tries to earn attention through achievements, perfectionism, or always being “helpful.”
    ✔️ Motivated by fear of being ignored or unworthy.

    🔹 The Rebel: Acts out, creates drama, or provokes reactions to feel seen.
    ✔️ Often stems from childhood experiences of only getting attention when misbehaving.

    🔹 The Invisible One: Withdraws, suppresses needs, and avoids being a burden.
    ✔️ Learned that visibility led to rejection, shame, or punishment.

    💡 Healing Insight: These parts aren’t “bad”—they each developed as protectors. By recognizing them with compassion, we can begin to heal.

    Developmental Trauma & The Fear of Visibility

    When children experience emotional neglect (CEN) or invalidation, they internalize a painful message:

    ❌ “My emotions and needs don’t matter.”

    Instead of feeling worthy of attention, they feel:

    • Shame for needing connection
    • Guilt for taking up space
    • Fear that being seen = rejection

    This is why healing attention-seeking behaviors isn’t just about learning new habits—it’s about healing deep-seated fears of rejection.

    💡 Healing Insight: If attention-seeking behaviors feel desperate or painful, it’s often because they’re linked to old wounds of invisibility.

    Somatic Psychology: How the Body Holds the Experience of Being Ignored or Seen

    Even if we intellectually know we deserve attention, our nervous system might still resist it.

    Why? Because the body remembers past experiences of being ignored, shamed, or dismissed.

    Common Somatic Signs of an Unmet Attention Need:
    ✔️ Tight chest or throat when speaking up
    ✔️ Feeling exposed or anxious when sharing emotions
    ✔️ Tensing up when receiving compliments or being the center of attention
    ✔️ Feeling a deep sadness or emptiness after being overlooked

    💡 Healing Insight: These body responses aren’t irrational—they are protective mechanisms that developed when visibility felt unsafe.

    Polyvagal Theory: How Our Nervous System Reacts to Being Ignored

    Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory (2011) explains how our nervous system is wired for social engagement. When we receive warm, responsive attention, our ventral vagal state is activated, making us feel:
    ✔️ Safe
    ✔️ Connected
    ✔️ Calm

    However, when we experience rejection, neglect, or emotional inconsistency, our nervous system perceives a threat and shifts into:

    • Fight-or-Flight (Sympathetic Activation): Leads to acting out, demanding attention, over-explaining, or clinging.
    • Shutdown Mode (Dorsal Vagal Response): Leads to withdrawing, suppressing needs, and emotional numbness.

    💡 Key Insight: Many “attention-seeking” behaviors are actually nervous system survival responses—our body’s attempt to restore safety and connection.

    Jungian Psychology & The Shadow: When Suppressed Attention Needs Turn Destructive

    Carl Jung’s concept of the shadow self helps explain why unmet needs for attention—especially when deeply repressed—can surface in unhealthy ways. If we were taught that seeking attention is “selfish,” “immature,” or “embarrassing,” we may push that part of ourselves deep into the unconscious. But the shadow doesn’t disappear—it manifests in ways we don’t consciously recognize.

    💥 When the Suppressed Need for Attention Erupts Destructively

    Instead of acknowledging our legitimate need to be seen and valued, we may:

    • Seek attention through self-sabotage (e.g., creating crises to be rescued)
    • Overperform or overachieve (believing love must be earned)
    • Engage in attention-seeking behaviors we later regret (e.g., oversharing, stirring conflict, or chasing validation from unavailable people)
    • Push away those who offer genuine recognition (because it feels foreign or undeserved)

    By rejecting our need for attention, we risk acting out unconsciously—seeking it through means that leave us feeling hollow, ashamed, or disconnected.

    🪞 Projection: When Self-Rejection Becomes External Judgment

    Jungian psychology also describes projection, where we reject traits in ourselves and instead fixate on them in others. If we suppress our need for attention, we may unconsciously:

    🚫 Resent “needy” people—feeling irritated by those who openly seek support or validation.
    🚫 Judge others for being “attention-seekers”—when, deep down, we envy their courage to express what we suppress.
    🚫 Avoid vulnerability—keeping emotional distance so no one sees our unspoken longing to be valued.

    Projection traps us in a cycle: The more we judge others for what we reject in ourselves, the harder it becomes to heal. Instead, we must reclaim and integrate our need for attention with self-awareness and self-compassion.

    Key Takeaways

    • Attention-seeking behaviors are not manipulation; they are attempts to restore connection.
    • Our early experiences (attachment, trauma, nervous system responses) shape how we seek or avoid attention.
    • Internal Family Systems (IFS) shows that different parts of us learned different strategies to cope with being unseen.
    • Healing requires both psychological understanding and somatic (body-based) work to feel safe being seen.

    Healing in Practice – Meeting the Need for Attention with Compassionate Action

    We already explored how our need for attention is shaped by attachment patterns, internal protective parts (IFS), developmental trauma, and nervous system responses.

    Now, we shift from understanding to healing.

    Many of us were shamed for wanting attention. But healing means recognizing that:

    ✔️ Wanting to be seen is not selfish.
    ✔️ Visibility is a core human need, not a flaw.
    ✔️ You deserve healthy, fulfilling attention—without guilt.

    This segment will offer practical tools to meet your need for attention in ways that feel authentic, grounded, and healing.

    1. Self-Compassion & Shadow Work: Healing Shame Around Attention

    Many of us carry deep shame around being seen, heard, or taking up space.

    This shame often leads to:
    ❌ Over-explaining or justifying our emotions
    ❌ Feeling like a burden when expressing needs
    ❌ Downplaying accomplishments to avoid seeming “attention-seeking”

    🌿 Shadow Work: Uncovering Your Beliefs About Attention

    Shadow work (Jung, 1951) helps us identify and integrate hidden parts of ourselves—especially the ones we were taught to suppress.

    Ask yourself:
    📝 What messages did I receive about seeking attention as a child?
    📝 Did I ever feel ashamed for needing support or validation?
    📝 Do I judge others for wanting attention? Why?

    💡 Healing Insight: If we shame ourselves for seeking attention, it’s often because we were once shamed for it.

    🌿 Self-Compassion Practice: Rewriting the Narrative

    Kristin Neff’s (2003) work on self-compassion shows that gentle, self-affirming language can help heal shame.

    Try this self-compassion statement:

    💬 “It makes sense that I want to be seen. I am worthy of attention, just as I am.”

    Repeat daily when guilt about needing attention arises.

    2. Rewiring the Nervous System: Somatic Exercises for Feeling Safe Being Seen

    Even if we intellectually know we deserve attention, our body may still react with discomfort.

    If being noticed feels unsafe, we may experience:
    ⚠️ Tension when speaking up
    ⚠️ Anxiety when receiving praise or validation
    ⚠️ Discomfort in social settings

    This is where nervous system regulation is key.

    🌿 Somatic Exercise 1: The “Safe Visibility” Practice

    Goal: Train your nervous system to feel safe receiving attention.

    1. Close your eyes. Imagine someone looking at you with warmth and care.
    2. Notice how your body reacts. Do you tense up? Do you shrink inward?
    3. Place a hand on your heart. Say, “I am safe to be seen.”
    4. Repeat for 1 minute daily.

    This teaches your body that being seen does not equal danger.

    🌿 Somatic Exercise 2: The \”Receiving Without Deflecting\” Practice

    Many of us deflect compliments or downplay our achievements to avoid attention.

    Next time someone compliments you, instead of saying “Oh, it was nothing…” try:
    ✔️ Pausing.
    ✔️ Breathing in.
    ✔️ Saying, “Thank you, I appreciate that.”

    💡 Healing Insight: The more you allow yourself to receive positive attention, the more your nervous system learns that it’s safe.

    3. Building Reciprocal Relationships Where You Are Naturally Seen

    Attention-seeking behaviors often come from a lack of consistent, fulfilling attention.

    Instead of feeling desperate for validation, focus on creating relationships where you are naturally seen.

    🌿 3 Ways to Cultivate Healthy Visibility

    1️⃣ Choose Relationships That Feel Like Home
    ✅ Do you feel safe expressing emotions?
    ✅ Do you feel heard, even in small moments?

    2️⃣ Practice Being Vulnerable in Small Ways
    ➝ Share a small thought or feeling instead of waiting until emotions explode.
    ➝ Example: Instead of saying “Nobody ever notices me!” try “Hey, I’d love to share something with you.”

    3️⃣ Offer What You Want to Receive
    ➝ Notice and acknowledge others.
    ➝ The more we see others, the more we open space to be seen.

    💡 Healing Insight: The best way to stop feeling invisible is to build connections that truly see you.

    🎁 Free Resource: The Self-Compassion Workbook for Attention & Visibility

    To make this healing process actionable, I’ve created a free workbook:

    ✅ Self-reflection prompts to explore your relationship with attention
    ✅ Somatic exercises to rewire your nervous system for safe visibility
    ✅ Scripts for receiving attention without guilt
    ✅ Daily self-compassion statements

    Download here

    Final Thoughts: Your Right to Be Seen

    Healing our relationship with attention is not about getting rid of our need to be seen—it’s about honoring it in healthy ways.

    ✔️ You are not “needy.” You are human.
    ✔️ You deserve to be noticed and valued.
    ✔️ Healing happens when we allow ourselves to take up space—without guilt.

    📚 Recommended Books on Attention, Shame & Healing

    Understanding the Need for Attention

    📖 The Drama of the Gifted Child – Alice Miller
    📖 Running on Empty – Jonice Webb, PhD (Childhood Emotional Neglect)

    Healing Visibility Shame

    📖 Daring Greatly – Brené Brown
    📖 The Right to Speak – Patsy Rodenburg (About using your voice)

    Building Healthy Self-Expression

    📖 The Artist’s Way – Julia Cameron
    📖 Radical Acceptance – Tara Brach

    ❓ Q&A: Common Concerns About Attention & Visibility

    ❓ Why do I crave attention so much?

    Your brain is wired for connection and recognition. If you were emotionally neglected or dismissed as a child, your system may be seeking what was missing. It’s not a flaw—it’s an unmet need.

    ❓ How do I stop feeling ashamed for wanting attention?

    First, recognize that needing attention is not bad. Then, focus on receiving it in ways that align with your values.Example: Sharing your thoughts in a deep conversation vs. seeking validation online.

    ❓ What if people judge me for wanting to be seen?

    Some will—but that’s okay. The right people will celebrate your presence. Every time you allow yourself to be seen, you attract those who value you authentically.

    ❓ How can I feel seen without constantly seeking validation?

    • Build inner validation (affirmations, self-appreciation).
    • Create meaningful connections (quality over quantity).
    • Engage in fulfilling self-expression (art, writing, movement).

    📩 Download Your Free Workbook Here!

    🔹 Click below to get instant access:

    Download

    🌿 Your need for attention is not shameful. You deserve to be seen.

  • Healing Through Less: A Journey to Emotional Clarity with a No-Buy Year + free PDF

    Why Do We Buy? (And What Happens When We Stop?)

    The Hidden Side of Shopping

    You tell yourself it’s just a small treat—maybe a new book, a cozy sweater, or something for the home. After all, it’s been a long week. But a few days later, that feeling creeps in again. A new planner to get organized, a beauty product that promises self-care, another course or gadget to finally “fix” that part of you that feels lacking.

    It’s easy to think we’re just bad with money or lack discipline. But what if shopping itself is just a symptom of something deeper? What if every purchase is a clue to an unmet emotional need—one we’ve learned to soothe with spending instead of facing directly?

    For many, a no-buy year isn’t just about saving money or decluttering. It’s a psychological experiment in self-discovery.

    When you take away the habit of spending, you’re left with whatever was underneath it all along.

    What Happens When We Stop Shopping?

    A no-buy challenge sounds simple—just don’t buy things. But within days or weeks, unexpected emotions surface:

    • Restlessness (“I need something to look forward to”)
    • Emptiness (“Life feels dull without little treats”)
    • Anxiety (“What if I need this later?”)
    • Guilt or shame (“Am I depriving myself?\”)

    This discomfort isn’t failure—it’s the real work of the no-buy process.

    The things we used to buy didn’t just fill our homes. They filled a psychological space—soothing, distracting, or reassuring us. Removing that habit means we must sit with those emotions and truly understand them.

    Identifying Your Spending Patterns: What’s Really Driving You?

    Exercise: Your Last Five Impulse Purchases

    Look at the last five non-essential things you bought. Write them down, then answer these questions:

    1. What was happening right before you bought them?
      (Were you stressed? Tired? Feeling lonely or unmotivated?)
    2. How did you feel when you hit “buy” or swiped your card?
      (Relief? Excitement? A sense of control?)
    3. How long did that feeling last?
      (Hours? Days? Did a new desire quickly take its place?)
    4. What emotion came up when you thought about stopping yourself?
      (Did you feel anxious? Deprived? Defensive?)

    This exercise helps reveal what spending was doing for you.

    Maybe you buy when you’re stressed because it gives you a sense of control. Maybe you seek small indulgences because they bring a dopamine boost when life feels dull. Maybe you shop as a way to “fix” yourself—believing the next thing will finally make you whole.

    Understanding these patterns is the first step to healing them instead of just restricting yourself.

    How a No-Buy Year Becomes Emotional Shadow Work

    Many of us use spending to fill emotional voids left by childhood neglect, loneliness, or self-doubt. When we remove this coping mechanism, we have an opportunity to ask:

    • What have I been avoiding?
    • Where does my discomfort come from?
    • Who am I when I’m not proving my worth through what I own?

    These are the questions that lead to real healing.

    1. Facing the Void: What Happens When Shopping Stops
    A no-buy year removes the constant cycle of distraction. At first, this can be unsettling. A person who used to browse online stores after a stressful day might now sit with their emotions instead.

    This process mirrors mindfulness-based therapy, which teaches that instead of escaping discomfort, we learn to observe it without judgment (Kabat-Zinn, 2003).

    What to do instead of shopping:

    • Write down what you’re feeling when the urge to buy hits.
    • Practice self-compassion—your mind is adjusting to a new way of coping.
    • Develop alternative grounding rituals: deep breathing, a short walk, or even placing a hand on your chest and saying, I am safe without this purchase.

    2. Confronting Identity Without Material Proof
    For many, shopping is tied to self-image. We buy clothes to feel more put-together, home décor to reflect a certain aesthetic, and books we may never read because they make us feel intellectual.

    A no-buy year strips away these external markers, forcing us to ask: Who am I without them?

    This is similar to the ego work done in depth psychology—where we untangle our true identity from societal expectations. It’s also where a new kind of self-acceptance begins.

    How to navigate this stage:

    • Reflect on what makes you you, beyond possessions.
    • Explore creativity in non-consumerist ways (writing, movement, repurposing old belongings).
    • Detach self-worth from “things”—your value is not in your wardrobe, bookshelf, or home aesthetics.

    3. Rediscovering Joy in Small, Unmarketed Moments
    One of the greatest surprises of a no-buy year is how pleasure shifts. When we stop relying on purchases for happiness, we start noticing joy in places we once overlooked.

    This echoes research on hedonic adaptation, which shows that new purchases bring short-lived happiness, while simpler, intrinsic experiences create lasting fulfillment (Lyubomirsky, 2007).

    People who complete a no-buy year often report:

    • Feeling more present in their daily lives.
    • Experiencing gratitude for what they already have.
    • Finding new forms of self-soothing that don’t require spending.

    A practice to try:
    Each evening, write down one moment of joy from your day that didn’t involve buying something. Over time, this rewires your brain to seek contentment in being, not consuming.

    Life After a No-Buy Year: How to Make the Changes Stick

    A no-buy year can be a powerful reset, but what happens when the year is over? Many people fear slipping back into old habits, feeling like they’ve \”earned\” the right to splurge after months of restraint.

    The key to lasting change isn’t strict rules—it’s a new relationship with spending, self-worth, and fulfillment. Here’s how to carry the transformation forward.

    1. Redefining Your Relationship with Money (and Yourself)

    One of the biggest lessons of a no-buy year is realizing that spending was never just about money—it was about emotion. Whether it was stress shopping, filling an emotional void, or proving something to yourself or others, the challenge forced you to face those deeper motivations.

    To keep that awareness:

    • Pause before any purchase. Ask: Do I need this, or am I seeking comfort, identity, or escape?
    • Journal about what you’ve learned. What emotional triggers led you to spend before? Have those changed?
    • Reframe money as a tool, not a measure of success. Instead of \”rewarding yourself\” with purchases, find other ways to celebrate progress—like experiences, meaningful connections, or creative projects.

    Mindset shift: Instead of asking Can I afford this?, start asking Does this align with my values and needs?

    2. Conscious Spending: Learning to Buy With Intention

    A no-buy year isn’t about never spending again—it’s about spending differently. Now that you’ve broken the cycle of impulse buying, you can build a framework for mindful consumption.

    How to shop intentionally after a no-buy year:
    ✔️ Use the “one-month rule.” If something isn’t essential, wait 30 days before purchasing.
    ✔️ Shop your values. Choose ethical brands, prioritize quality over quantity, and support small businesses when possible.
    ✔️ Set spending boundaries. Create a post-no-buy budget that reflects your new priorities.

    The goal isn’t to deny yourself, but to ensure that what you buy adds real value to your life.

    3. Carrying Minimalism Into Other Areas of Life

    Many people find that a no-buy year sparks a desire for simplicity beyond shopping. You might start rethinking:

    • Your schedule—prioritizing activities that nourish you rather than keeping busy for the sake of it.
    • Your commitments—letting go of obligations that drain your energy.
    • Your digital life—unsubscribing from marketing emails, decluttering social media, or reducing screen time.

    Minimalism isn’t just about owning less—it’s about making room for what truly matters.

    If you enjoyed the emotional clarity that came with buying less, consider extending that “less but better” philosophy to other parts of life.

    4. A Ritual to Prevent Backsliding

    Change isn’t a one-time event—it’s an ongoing practice. To keep yourself on track, try creating a weekly or monthly check-in where you reflect on your spending habits, emotions, and values.

    A simple self-check-in ritual:

    • What did I spend money on this month?
    • Did any purchases feel unnecessary or emotionally driven?
    • What did I not buy—and how did that feel?
    • What’s bringing me joy that has nothing to do with money?

    This keeps you mindful of your progress and prevents unconscious spending patterns from creeping back in.

    Your No-Buy Year Toolkit: Free Resource to Keep the Transformation Going

    Embarking on a no-buy year is a profound journey, but maintaining the mindset long after the challenge ends is where true transformation happens. To help you stay intentional with your finances, emotional well-being, and consumption habits, I’ve created a free downloadable resource:

    🌿 The No-Buy Year Reflection & Intentional Spending Guide

    This guide includes:
    ✅ A Spending Reflection Journal – Track emotional triggers, needs vs. wants, and personal insights.
    ✅ A Conscious Spending Checklist – Questions to ask before buying anything.
    ✅ The Post-No-Buy Year Roadmap – A step-by-step plan to maintain mindful spending habits.
    ✅ A Minimalism Habit Tracker – Apply \”less but better\” to your schedule, relationships, and digital life.

    Download for free

    Making It Last: The Power of Community & Self-Reflection

    One of the best ways to reinforce change is by surrounding yourself with others on the same path. Whether that’s joining minimalism communities, accountability groups, or simply sharing your progress with a friend, having support makes a difference.

    💬 Let’s discuss!

    • What was the most surprising part of your no-buy journey?
    • What’s one thing you no longer buy—and don’t miss?
    • What’s the hardest spending habit to break?

    Drop your thoughts in the comments! Your experience might inspire someone else on their path.

    References

    • Duhigg, C. (2012). The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business. Random House.
    • Kahneman, D. (2011). Thinking, Fast and Slow. Farrar, Straus and Giroux.
    • Tatzel, M. (2014). Consumption and Well-Being in the Material World. Springer.
    • Rick, S. I., Pereira, B., & Burson, K. A. (2014). The benefits of retail therapy: Making purchase decisions reduces residual sadness. Journal of Consumer Psychology, 24(3), 373-380.
    • Soman, D. (2001). Effects of payment mechanism on spending behavior: The role of rehearsal and immediacy of payments. Journal of Consumer Research, 27(4), 460-474.

  • Restorative Yoga for Deep Healing: How to Use Stillness to Rewire Your Nervous System

    1. Introduction: More Than Just Relaxation

    Restorative yoga often gets dismissed as “just lying around.” If you’ve ever tried it and felt restless, impatient, or even uncomfortable in the stillness, you’re not alone. Many people associate yoga with movement, effort, and flexibility—but restorative yoga is different.

    This practice is designed for deep healing. It’s not about stretching or strength; it’s about resetting your nervous system. In a world where stress and overstimulation are the norm, restorative yoga offers something rare: a space for true stillness, where both the body and mind can unwind, process, and heal.

    Yet, for some people, slowing down can feel surprisingly difficult. If you find yourself resisting rest or feeling guilty when you take time for yourself, there may be deeper emotional patterns at play. Many people with childhood emotional neglect (CEN), chronic stress, or unresolved trauma struggle with stillness because their nervous system is stuck in a state of high alert.

    In this guide, we’ll explore how restorative yoga can help you:
    ✅ Shift from stress mode (fight-or-flight) to healing mode (parasympathetic state)
    ✅ Release stored tension and unprocessed emotions in the body
    ✅ Work with resistance to stillness (instead of forcing relaxation)
    ✅ Integrate restorative yoga into daily life—even if you feel too busy

    If you’ve ever felt like you’re always “on,” struggling to relax, or guilty for taking time to rest, this article is for you.

    2. The Science Behind Restorative Yoga: How Stillness Heals the Nervous System

    Restorative yoga isn’t just about relaxation—it’s a powerful tool for nervous system regulation. Unlike active yoga styles that build strength and flexibility, restorative yoga uses prolonged, fully supported postures to trigger the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS)—the body’s rest-and-digest mode.

    How Restorative Yoga Affects the Nervous System

    1. Activates the Parasympathetic Nervous System
      • When we experience chronic stress or unresolved trauma, the sympathetic nervous system (fight-or-flight response) can become overactive. This leads to constant tension, anxiety, and difficulty relaxing.
      • Research shows that long-held, supported postures in restorative yoga activate the vagus nerve, which helps lower heart rate, reduce cortisol (the stress hormone), and calm the body’s alarm system (Streeter et al., 2012).
    2. Balances the Brain’s Stress Response
      • A study published in the journal Psychoneuroendocrinology found that yoga (including restorative practices) reduces activity in the amygdala—the brain’s fear center—helping people feel less reactive to stress (Pascoe et al., 2017).
    3. Regulates the Breath to Reduce Anxiety
      • Slow, deep breathing during restorative yoga triggers the baroreflex, a mechanism that lowers blood pressure and promotes a state of calm (Zaccaro et al., 2018).
      • One study found that practicing restorative yoga for eight weeks significantly reduced symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder (Khalsa et al., 2015).
    4. Releases Stored Tension and Trauma in the Body
      • According to the polyvagal theory (Porges, 2011), trauma and chronic stress can keep the body stuck in fight-or-flight (hyperarousal) or freeze (shutdown).
      • Restorative yoga helps discharge this stored stress by giving the body a safe environment to fully relax, signaling that it’s okay to let go of tension.
    5. Improves Sleep and Energy Levels
      • A randomized controlled trial found that practicing restorative yoga improved sleep quality in people with insomnia (Manjunath & Telles, 2005).
      • Another study on cancer survivors showed that restorative yoga helped reduce fatigue and improved overall well-being (Bower et al., 2011).

    Why Some People Resist Stillness

    Despite these benefits, many people struggle with restorative yoga—especially if they:

    • Feel guilty resting (e.g., CEN survivors who learned their needs weren’t important)
    • Have a hyperactive nervous system that makes stillness feel unsafe
    • Associate relaxation with vulnerability (common in trauma survivors)

    If you’ve ever felt restless, impatient, or even anxious during restorative yoga, you’re not alone. Your body may not be used to deep relaxation, and it can take time to retrain your nervous system. The key is to approach the practice with compassion, rather than forcing relaxation.

    3. How to Start a Restorative Yoga Practice That Works for You

    Restorative yoga isn’t about flexibility or effort—it’s about allowing your body to rest deeply. But to truly benefit, your practice needs to feel safe, supportive, and personalized. Here’s how to start in a way that meets your needs.

    1. Create a Safe and Supportive Space

    Since restorative yoga is about deep relaxation, your environment matters. A few small adjustments can make a big difference:

    • Dim the lights or use candles to signal to your nervous system that it’s time to unwind.
    • Use blankets and pillows to make poses feel effortless (discomfort defeats the purpose).
    • Choose calming music or silence—whatever helps you feel at ease.
    • Practice in a warm room to prevent tension from creeping in due to cold.

    Tip: If you feel restless in stillness, try starting with gentle movement (like shaking out your limbs or doing slow cat-cow stretches) before settling into a pose.

    2. Choose the Right Poses for Your Needs

    Different restorative poses support different aspects of nervous system regulation. Here are some options based on what you need most:

    For Overwhelm & Anxiety → Supported Child’s Pose

    • Why? This pose creates a sense of safety by gently compressing the front of the body.
    • How? Kneel with a pillow or bolster under your chest, arms resting forward or by your sides.

    For Emotional Release → Reclined Butterfly Pose

    • Why? Opening the hips can release stored tension and emotions.
    • How? Lie on your back with the soles of your feet together, knees falling open, supported by pillows.

    For Chronic Stress → Legs Up the Wall

    • Why? This pose helps reset the nervous system by improving circulation and calming the mind.
    • How? Lie on your back with your legs resting against a wall, arms relaxed by your sides.

    For Exhaustion → Supported Savasana (Final Resting Pose)

    • Why? Total stillness allows the body to recharge deeply.
    • How? Lie down with a bolster under your knees and a blanket over you, arms relaxed.

    Tip: Hold each pose for 5-20 minutes to let your body fully shift into relaxation mode.

    3. Add Breathwork for Deeper Relaxation

    If stillness alone feels challenging, adding simple breathwork can help calm your mind faster:

    • 4-7-8 Breathing (Inhale for 4, hold for 7, exhale for 8) → Helps quiet anxiety.
    • Humming Breath (Exhale with a soft hum) → Activates the vagus nerve.
    • Extended Exhale Breathing (Make exhalation longer than inhalation) → Signals safety to the body.

    Tip: If breathwork feels overwhelming, simply focus on slow, natural breathing and allow your breath to settle on its own.

    4. Make Restorative Yoga a Sustainable Habit

    Consistency is key, but it’s important to tailor the practice to your life:

    • Start small: Just one pose a day for 5 minutes can make a difference.
    • Tie it to another habit: Try doing a pose before bed or after journaling.
    • Listen to your body: Some days you might need more movement before settling into stillness.

    Reminder: Rest is productive. The more you allow your body to recover, the more energy and clarity you’ll have for everything else in life.

    4. The Best Free Resources for Deepening Your Restorative Yoga Practice

    Restorative yoga is simple in theory, but having guided support can make your practice more effective and fulfilling. Whether you prefer video lessons, books, or printable guides, here are some of the best free and accessible ways to enhance your practice.

    1. Free Video Resources for Guided Restorative Yoga

    Soulsaol Holistics: A Gentle & Trauma-Aware Approach

    If you\’re looking for deeply soothing, mindful, and body-friendly yoga practices, the Soulsaol Holistics YouTube channel is a must-visit. Their videos focus on:

    • Restorative and somatic yoga for deep nervous system healing
    • Guided breathwork and meditation to enhance relaxation
    • Mindful movement practices for emotional release and grounding

    Recommended Videos (not sponsored):

    Many yoga videos focus on poses but not the nervous system shift that makes restorative yoga effective. Soulsaol Holistics stands out by guiding you into true relaxation and embodiment.

    Other Great Free Yoga Channels for Restorative Practice

    If you\’re looking for more variety, these YouTube channels also offer high-quality restorative yoga classes:

    • Yoga with Adriene – Gentle, beginner-friendly restorative sequences
    • The Mindful Movement – Yoga for relaxation, stress relief, and deep rest
    • Brett Larkin Yoga – Slow, mindful yoga for stress and emotional healing

    Tip: Create a personal playlist with your favorite free videos to make it easier to return to your practice.

    2. Best Books on Restorative Yoga & Nervous System Healing

    If you love deeper learning, these books blend restorative yoga with neuroscience, trauma healing, and nervous system regulation:

    • \”The Relaxation Revolution\” – Herbert Benson, MD
      How deep relaxation transforms stress into healing on a physiological level.
    • \”Restorative Yoga for Ethnic and Race-Based Stress and Trauma\” – Gail Parker
      Restorative yoga through the lens of emotional healing and social stressors.
    • \”The Nervous System Recovery Guide\” – Deb Dana
      Blending polyvagal theory with body-based practices like yoga.

    Bonus: Some books include guided pose sequences, making them great for self-led practice.

    3. Printable Guides & Journals for Integrating Restorative Yoga

    Using printable guides or journaling alongside your practice can deepen self-awareness and help track changes in how you feel over time. Some useful types of resources include:

    • Pose sequence guides to help structure a home practice
    • Journals with self-reflection prompts for tracking your nervous system shifts
    • Printable breathwork techniques to enhance relaxation

    If you’d like a structured way to integrate restorative yoga, I’ve created a free downloadable guide to support you!

    📌 Get Your Free Guide: \”Finding Stillness – A Restorative Yoga Resource\”

    To help you integrate restorative yoga into your life, I’ve created a free downloadable guide that includes:

    ✅ Pose sequences for different needs (stress, fatigue, emotional release)
    ✅ Journaling prompts to track your experience & deepen self-reflection
    ✅ Breathwork techniques to enhance relaxation
    ✅ Additional free video recommendations

    📥 Download Here

    Building a Sustainable Restorative Yoga Practice

    For many people, starting a restorative yoga practice is easy—the challenge is maintaining it. Life gets busy, rest can feel unproductive, and stillness can bring discomfort. Here’s how to build a sustainable practice, no matter your obstacles.

    1. If You Struggle to Find Time: Keep It Short & Stack It

    • Start with just 5 minutes—even one pose before bed or during a break can be effective.
    • Stack restorative yoga with existing routines:
      • Before sleep – Try a supported reclined pose after brushing your teeth.
      • After work – Wind down with a pose while listening to calming music.
      • During screen time – Prop yourself in a restorative pose while watching TV.

    Consistency is more powerful than length. A little every day is better than a long session once a month.

    2. If You Struggle with Stillness: Engage the Senses

    • If stillness makes you restless, add soothing sensory elements:
      • A weighted blanket or eye pillow to provide grounding.
      • A warm herbal tea beforehand to create a transition into rest.
      • Calming scents like lavender or sandalwood to associate relaxation with a pleasant aroma.
    • Try restorative yoga with soft movement—start with gentle rocking or side-to-side sways before settling into a pose.

    3. If You Feel Guilty About Prioritizing Self-Care: Reframe It

    • Understand that rest is productive—it improves focus, emotional regulation, and resilience.
    • Remember that restorative yoga helps others too—when you are regulated, you parent, work, and relate better.
    • View it as an act of self-compassion rather than a luxury. Even 5-10 minutes of deep rest can reset your nervous system, making everything else easier.

    4. If You Keep Forgetting or Losing Motivation: Make It Visible & Enjoyable

    • Leave props (a bolster, blanket, or yoga mat) in plain sight as a reminder.
    • Create a ritual around it—a favorite playlist, dim lighting, or a comforting scent.
    • Keep it pleasant, not forced—restorative yoga should never feel like another task on your to-do list.

    Final Thoughts: Rest as a Radical Act

    Restorative yoga isn’t about perfect poses—it’s about creating space for deep rest in a world that often discourages it. Whether you practice once a week or every night, every moment of stillness is a step toward healing.

    Would you like recommendations for guided videos to help you get started? Check out Soulsaol Holistics on YouTube, where you’ll find a variety of free sessions designed for real life.

    Feeling restless when trying to relax? Explore: Why You Feel Restless When Trying to Relax and How to Stop It (+free PDF)

    References

    • Bower, J. E., Garet, D., Sternlieb, B., Ganz, P. A., Irwin, M. R., Olmstead, R., & Cole, S. W. (2011). Yoga for persistent fatigue in breast cancer survivors: A randomized controlled trial. Cancer, 117(5), 1026-1034. https://doi.org/10.1002/cncr.25607
    • Khalsa, S. B. S., Cohen, L., McCall, T., & Telles, S. (2015). Principles and practice of yoga in health care. Handspring Publishing.
    • Manjunath, N. K., & Telles, S. (2005). Influence of yoga and Ayurveda on self-rated sleep in a geriatric population. Indian Journal of Medical Research, 121(5), 683-690.
    • Pascoe, M. C., Thompson, D. R., Jenkins, Z. M., & Ski, C. F. (2017). Yoga, mindfulness-based stress reduction, and stress-related physiological measures: A meta-analysis. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 86, 152-168. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2017.08.008
    • Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
    • Streeter, C. C., Gerbarg, P. L., Saper, R. B., Ciraulo, D. A., & Brown, R. P. (2012). Effects of yoga on the autonomic nervous system, gamma-aminobutyric-acid, and allostasis in epilepsy, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder. Medical Hypotheses, 78(5), 571-579. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.mehy.2012.01.021
    • Zaccaro, A., Piarulli, A., Laurino, M., Garbella, E., Menicucci, D., Neri, B., & Gemignani, A. (2018). How breath-control can change your life: A systematic review on psychophysiological correlates of slow breathing. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 12, 353. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2018.00353

  • Should You Foster Secure Attachment in an Insecure World? Why It Matters More Than Ever

    As global uncertainty grows, many parents wonder if fostering secure attachment is still the right goal. If a child is raised with emotional security, will they be prepared for a world that may be unstable? Will they have the resilience to endure hardship—or will they be too “soft” to survive?

    More urgently, some ask: If secure children are taught to trust themselves, will they still follow orders when necessary?

    In this article, we explore what children really need developmentally and why secure attachment is not a luxury of peaceful times—it is a necessity, especially in crisis.

    What Is Secure Attachment, and Why Does It Matter?

    Secure attachment is a deep, trusting bond between a child and their primary caregiver. When children consistently experience responsive, attuned caregiving, they develop an internalized sense of safety. This security affects how they:

    • Regulate emotions and handle stress
    • Build healthy relationships
    • Approach problem-solving and challenges
    • Adapt to uncertainty

    Studies show that secure attachment is the foundation of resilience, not a hindrance to it (Shaver & Mikulincer, 2012). Children raised with emotional security are better equipped to navigate both personal and global crises.

    Why Secure Attachment Matters Even in an Uncertain World

    1. Secure Attachment Is an Inner Safe Haven

    A child’s first experience of the world is through their caregiver. When that relationship is stable, the child internalizes a sense of security that remains even when external conditions change.

    In contrast, insecurely attached children often develop hypervigilance, chronic anxiety, or emotional shutdown, making it harder to cope with instability (Siegel, 2012).

    Research Insight:

    • A study on children exposed to war found that those with strong caregiver bonds had significantly lower rates of PTSD and anxiety than those with disrupted attachments (Betancourt et al., 2013).

    2. Hardship Alone Does Not Create Resilience—Secure Relationships Do

    There is a misconception that exposing children to hardship will “toughen them up.” In reality, resilience is not built from suffering alone; it is built through experiencing difficulty while being emotionally supported (Masten, 2001).

    Children who endure hardship without secure attachment are more likely to develop:

    • Anxiety disorders
    • Emotional numbness
    • Poor impulse control
    • Distrust of others

    3. Securely Attached Children Are More Adaptable in Crisis

    The ability to stay calm, assess danger, and make rational decisions under stress is a hallmark of securely attached individuals. Because they trust themselves and others, they can:

    • Evaluate situations clearly instead of reacting impulsively
    • Accept change rather than fearing it
    • Work collaboratively in high-stress situations

    A study on first responders found that those with secure attachment histories were more effective in emergencies because they could regulate their emotions and maintain clear thinking (Mikulincer et al., 2003).

    4. Emotional Intelligence Is a Survival Skill

    In uncertain times, children will need critical thinking, emotional regulation, and the ability to form strong alliances. Secure attachment fosters:

    • Confidence without arrogance
    • Independence with a capacity for teamwork
    • Emotional resilience without suppression

    Without these traits, survival becomes reactionary rather than strategic—which can be dangerous in crisis situations.

    5. Secure Attachment Does Not Make Children “Soft”

    Some worry that securely attached children will be too emotionally sensitive to function in a harsh world. However, research consistently shows that:

    • Securely attached individuals handle stress better than insecurely attached ones.
    • They can think clearly under pressure because they are not driven by fear.
    • They are more flexible in response to new challenges (Siegel, 2012).

    Q&A: Addressing Common Concerns

    Q: If my child is securely attached, will they refuse to follow orders when necessary?

    A: No. Secure individuals are actually more capable of following necessary orders because they trust their own judgment and can recognize legitimate authority.

    • Insecurely attached people are more prone to blind obedience or complete defiance, both of which can be dangerous in crises (Baumrind, 1991).
    • Secure attachment teaches discernment, allowing children to understand when to follow, when to question, and when to lead.

    Q: Isn’t it better to raise my child to be “tough” rather than emotionally secure?

    A: Emotional toughness without security often leads to emotional suppression, dissociation, and aggression. True resilience comes from:

    • Emotional flexibility, not emotional suppression.
    • The ability to adapt to stress, not ignore it.
    • The capacity to trust and collaborate, not just self-preserve.

    Q: Will a securely attached child be too idealistic to handle a harsh world?

    A: No—secure individuals are both hopeful and realistic.

    • They understand risk but do not become paralyzed by it.
    • They seek solutions rather than falling into despair.
    • They connect with others, which is crucial for survival in difficult times.

    Q: What if my child is already insecurely attached? Is it too late to fix it?

    A: It’s never too late. Attachment is not fixed in early childhood—it can be healed through consistent, responsive caregiving at any age (Cassidy & Shaver, 2016).

    Conclusion: Secure Attachment Is the Best Preparation for an Uncertain Future

    If we want to prepare our children for an unpredictable world, we must give them the strongest possible foundation—not by hardening them emotionally, but by making them secure.

    A securely attached child:
    ✅ Thinks clearly under stress
    ✅ Knows when to follow, when to lead, and when to question
    ✅ Forms strong relationships that serve as protective networks
    ✅ Adapts to change without losing their core stability

    In contrast, an insecurely attached child is more likely to:
    ❌ React emotionally instead of strategically
    ❌ Follow authority blindly out of fear or resist authority out of distrust
    ❌ Struggle to form deep, supportive relationships
    ❌ Feel overwhelmed by uncertainty rather than adapting to it

    The answer is clear: secure attachment is not a luxury—it is a necessity.

    You are your child’s anchor in an unpredictable world. By offering them security, you are not shielding them from reality—you are giving them the strength to face it with courage and wisdom. No matter what the future holds, the love and stability you provide today will shape how they navigate tomorrow. You are already giving them exactly what they need.

    References

    • Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56-95.
    • Betancourt, T. S., et al. (2013). The role of caregiver support in the mental health of war-affected youth. Social Science & Medicine, 91, 135-141.
    • Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research, and Clinical Applications. Guilford Press.
    • Masten, A. S. (2001). Ordinary magic: Resilience processes in development. American Psychologist, 56(3), 227-238.
    • Mikulincer, M., et al. (2003). Attachment theory and emotions in close relationships. Emotion, 3(4), 482-501.
    • Shaver, P. R., & Mikulincer, M. (2012). Adult attachment and emotion regulation. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 6(7), 505-517.
    • Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. Bantam Books.

    Explore Further:

    Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child)

    The Rewards of Motherhood: Finding Meaning, Growth, and Everyday Magic

    When Motherhood Gets Harder: Why Your Toddler Challenges You More Than Your Newborn (+Reflexion Guide)

  • Tarot for Shadow Work: The Symbolic Power of Tarot in Psychology & Myth (Part 5 of 6) + free PDF

    Introduction: Tarot as a Mirror of the Psyche

    Have you ever pulled a tarot card that felt eerily personal—like it was reflecting a hidden truth you hadn’t put into words yet? Tarot, at its core, is not about predicting the future. It’s a mirror for the unconscious, a tool that reveals the patterns, fears, and desires shaping our inner world.

    Carl Jung, one of the most influential psychologists of the 20th century, believed that the unconscious communicates through symbols and archetypes—the very essence of tarot. When we engage with the imagery and structure of the cards, we’re not just reading a deck; we’re reading ourselves.

    But how does this work? And why do certain images resonate so deeply?

    This article explores:

    • Tarot and Jung’s concept of the Shadow: How the cards can help us integrate suppressed aspects of ourselves.
    • The psychology of symbols and myths: Why tarot reflects universal human experiences.
    • IFS (Internal Family Systems) and Tarot: How different tarot figures represent the “parts” within us.
    • Scientific support for tarot as a tool for self-reflection: Journaling, storytelling, and the therapeutic power of imagery.
    • Practical exercises for using tarot to explore your personal myth and shadow.

    By the end, you’ll have a deeper understanding of tarot’s psychological power and practical ways to use it for healing.

    Jung’s Shadow Theory & Tarot as a Tool for Integration

    Carl Jung famously said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”This is the essence of shadow work—bringing awareness to the hidden parts of ourselves that influence our thoughts, behaviors, and emotional reactions.

    What Is the Shadow?

    Jung’s Shadow refers to the aspects of ourselves that we repress, deny, or disown. These can include:

    • Traits we were shamed for as children (e.g., sensitivity, ambition, anger).
    • Unconscious fears (e.g., fear of rejection, fear of failure).
    • Hidden strengths that we avoid embracing due to social conditioning.

    These parts don’t disappear; they operate beneath the surface, influencing our choices and reactions. Shadow work is about integrating them—not eliminating them—so that we can live with greater self-awareness and wholeness.

    How Tarot Helps Reveal the Shadow

    Tarot acts as a visual language for the unconscious, bringing Shadow elements to the surface. When we pull a card that triggers discomfort, it often represents a part of ourselves we have avoided.

    Example:

    • If you resist The Emperor, you might struggle with structure or authority—perhaps fearing control due to past experiences.
    • If The Devil makes you uneasy, it could reflect repressed desires, compulsions, or feelings of shame.
    • If you recoil at The High Priestess, you may distrust your own intuition or feel disconnected from your inner wisdom.

    Shadow work with tarot means exploring these reactions instead of dismissing them.

    Practical Exercise: A Shadow Spread

    Try this three-card spread to identify Shadow aspects:

    1. What part of myself have I rejected or repressed?
    2. How does this unintegrated part show up in my life?
    3. How can I begin to work with and accept this part of myself?

    Example Reading:
    A person struggling with self-doubt pulls:

    1. The Magician (Repressed Strength) → They have skills and knowledge but feel unworthy of using them.
    2. Five of Pentacles (How It Manifests) → They self-sabotage and feel unworthy of success.
    3. The Empress (Integration) → They need to nurture self-trust and recognize their innate value.

    By journaling on these cards, the person gains insight into their inner conflict and how to move toward self-acceptance.

    Why Symbols & Archetypes Affect Us Psychologically

    Carl Jung believed that archetypes—universal symbols and themes—reside in the collective unconscious. These recurring images appear in myths, fairy tales, and dreams across cultures, reflecting deep-seated aspects of human experience. Tarot, with its rich imagery, speaks directly to these psychological blueprints.

    How the Brain Processes Symbols

    Modern neuroscience supports Jung’s theory that symbols can bypass our rational mind and evoke deep emotional responses. Studies on visual cognition show that the brain processes images 60,000 times faster than words (Braden, 2009). This is why tarot can trigger immediate intuitive insights that verbal reasoning might take longer to uncover.

    Example:
    A person pulling The Tower may instinctively feel dread before they even analyze the card. The image of a collapsing tower taps into a primal fear of instability, revealing unconscious anxieties about change.

    Archetypes in Tarot & Their Psychological Impact

    Tarot is filled with archetypes that represent different parts of the psyche. Let’s explore a few:

    • The Fool (The Innocent & The Seeker) → Represents new beginnings, curiosity, and risk-taking. Shadow side: naivety, recklessness.
    • The High Priestess (The Intuitive & The Wise Woman) → Embodies hidden knowledge and deep intuition. Shadow side: secrecy, avoidance of action.
    • The Emperor (The Father & The Ruler) → Symbolizes structure, discipline, and authority. Shadow side: control, rigidity, fear of vulnerability.
    • The Devil (The Shadow Itself) → Represents addiction, temptation, and self-imposed limitations. Shadow side: repression, guilt, inner conflict.

    For a deeper exploration of the whole mayor arcana, return to the second article of this series: Tarot for Shadow Work: The Major Arcana as a Roadmap to Your Hidden Self (Part 2 of 6)

    Exercise:
    Pick a card you feel strongly about (positive or negative) and ask:

    • What part of me does this card reflect?
    • What emotions arise when I look at it?
    • Is this an aspect of myself I embrace or resist? Why?

    By analyzing your emotional response, you uncover hidden layers of your psyche.

    The Role of Myth in Self-Discovery: Tarot as a Personal Myth-Making Tool

    Every person lives by a personal myth—a deep, often unconscious story that shapes their identity and choices. These myths arise from childhood experiences, cultural narratives, and psychological patterns. Tarot offers a powerful way to explore and rewrite these personal myths, allowing us to step out of limiting roles and into conscious self-authorship.

    How Personal Myths Shape Our Lives

    Carl Jung believed that humans need a guiding narrative to make sense of life. If we don’t consciously craft our own story, we tend to live out inherited myths—often those shaped by childhood experiences or societal expectations.

    For example:

    • A person raised with CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect) might unconsciously live by the myth: “I must take care of others to be loved.”
    • Someone who experienced instability might hold the myth: “If I don’t control everything, everything will fall apart.”
    • A person who was overly criticized as a child might carry the myth: “I am never good enough.”

    These internalized myths drive our beliefs, behaviors, and emotional responses—until we bring them into awareness.

    Tarot as a Tool for Rewriting Your Story

    Tarot acts as a reflective surface for examining these unconscious narratives. When we lay out cards, we externalize our inner world, making it easier to identify patterns and shift perspectives.

    Exercise: Rewriting Your Personal Myth

    1. Identify Your Current Myth
      • Pull three cards to represent different aspects of your life (relationships, work, self-worth).
      • Ask: What hidden story does this spread reveal?
      • Example: The Five of Pentacles in a self-worth position might indicate a deep-seated belief in scarcity or not being enough.
    2. Explore the Root of the Myth
      • Ask: Where did this story originate?
      • Pull a card to represent your past influences (family, childhood events, cultural messages).
      • Example: The Hierophant reversed could suggest rebelling against rigid belief systems that no longer serve you.
    3. Create a New Narrative
      • Pull a final card as a guide for the new myth you want to embrace.
      • Example: The Nine of Cups could symbolize shifting from a scarcity mindset to one of gratitude and self-fulfillment.
      • Journal a new personal statement: “I am inherently worthy, and my needs matter.”

    Scientific Support for Journaling, Storytelling & Self-Reflection in Healing

    Modern psychology increasingly recognizes the power of narrative in healing and personal growth. Storytelling, whether through journaling, self-reflection, or symbolic tools like tarot, helps integrate unconscious emotions, shift limiting beliefs, and foster psychological resilience.

    Why Rewriting Personal Narratives Is Psychologically Powerful

    1. Neuroscience & the Power of Story
      • Studies show that our brains are wired for storytelling. When we recall events, we naturally place them into a narrative structure—beginning, middle, and end.
      • When we consciously rewrite our story, we shift neural pathways, allowing new perspectives to emerge.
      • Research in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) suggests that reframing a negative self-story can reduce depression and anxiety (Pennebaker & Seagal, 1999).
    2. Expressive Writing & Emotional Processing
      • Dr. James Pennebaker’s research found that writing about emotions leads to:
        • Lower stress and anxiety
        • Improved immune function
        • Better emotional clarity
      • Tarot journaling functions similarly—it allows people to externalize emotions, identify unconscious themes, and reframe limiting beliefs.
    3. Symbolism as a Tool for Self-Integration
      • Jungian psychology suggests that working with symbols (like tarot) bridges the conscious and unconscious mind, facilitating self-integration.
      • In Internal Family Systems (IFS), naming and visualizing different “parts” (or subpersonalities) helps with self-understanding and healing—a process tarot can naturally support.

    How Tarot Fits Into Modern Psychology as a Therapeutic Tool

    Tarot is not just a mystical practice—it has practical psychological benefits:

    1. A Mirror for the Unconscious Mind
      • Similar to Jung’s active imagination technique, tarot provides a way to engage with unconscious thoughts.
      • Instead of reacting emotionally to a situation, tarot allows us to step back and observe patterns.
    2. Enhancing Emotional Intelligence
      • By interpreting symbols, tarot encourages introspective thinking.
      • Regular tarot journaling can increase self-awareness, helping individuals name emotions they might otherwise suppress.
    3. A Structured Approach to Shadow Work
      • Unlike open-ended journaling, tarot provides structure, guiding individuals through specific emotional themes.
      • Using tarot in IFS therapy can help people connect with inner parts that feel neglected, criticized, or exiled.

    How Tarot Fits IFS & Archetypal Healing

    Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, views the psyche as made up of different “parts”—each with its own perspective, emotions, and motivations. Tarot naturally aligns with this approach, offering a visual and symbolic way to connect with these inner voices.

    IFS & Tarot: Mapping the Psyche Through Symbols

    In IFS, we have:

    • Exiles – Wounded or suppressed parts carrying pain from the past.
    • Managers – Protective parts that try to maintain control and prevent pain from resurfacing.
    • Firefighters – Reactive parts that use impulsive behaviors to numb distress (e.g., addiction, anger outbursts).
    • Self – The core of who we are, capable of wisdom, compassion, and healing.
    How the Tarot Suits Represent Different Parts
    • Cups (Emotions & Relationships) → Exiles
      • These cards often reveal deep emotional wounds or suppressed feelings that need attention.
      • Example: Five of Cups may symbolize grief that has been ignored.
    • Swords (Thoughts & Defense Mechanisms) → Managers
      • This suit reflects mental strategies, anxieties, and coping mechanisms that try to keep us “safe.”
      • Example: Eight of Swords represents a part that feels trapped but doesn’t see a way out.
    • Wands (Desires & Impulses) → Firefighters
      • These cards represent passionate, reactive parts that seek immediate relief from discomfort.
      • Example: Knight of Wands might indicate a part that rushes into decisions to escape emotional pain.
    • Pentacles (Stability & Grounding) → Self-energy or Wise Parts
      • This suit often represents the grounded, practical side of us that seeks long-term stability.
      • Example: Queen of Pentacles embodies the nurturing, resourceful energy that can help heal wounded parts.

    Using Tarot for IFS-Inspired Shadow Work

    A simple IFS-based tarot spread to explore your inner world:

    1. Which part of me needs attention right now? (Draw a card)
    2. How does this part try to protect me? (Draw a card)
    3. What pain or fear is this part hiding? (Draw a card)
    4. How can I offer this part support and healing? (Draw a card)

    This practice allows you to visually engage with your inner world, helping you uncover unconscious narratives and begin the integration process.

    Tarot as a Personal Myth-Making Tool

    Throughout history, humans have used myths to make sense of their experiences, struggles, and transformations. Our personal narratives—how we interpret our past, present, and future—function much like myths. They guide our identity, choices, and emotions. But sometimes, these stories are shaped by wounds, fear, or outdated beliefs, keeping us trapped in cycles of self-sabotage.

    How Tarot Can Reveal & Rewrite Your Personal Myth

    Tarot acts as a storytelling mirror, reflecting our subconscious narratives. It helps us:

    • Identify limiting beliefs (“I always fail,” “I’m unworthy of love”)
    • Recognize recurring life patterns (e.g., feeling abandoned, fearing success, struggling with self-worth)
    • Rewrite outdated self-concepts (“I am capable of growth,” “I deserve kindness,” “I can create change”)
    A Personal Myth Reading: Tarot Spread for Narrative Healing

    This 5-card spread helps uncover and rewrite the story you tell about yourself:

    1. What is the central myth I currently live by? (The overarching narrative shaping your life)
    2. Where did this myth originate? (A past experience, family dynamic, or cultural belief that shaped it)
    3. How does this myth impact me today? (Where it limits or strengthens you)
    4. What new myth do I need to embrace for healing? (A more empowering self-narrative)
    5. How can I integrate this new myth into my life? (Practical steps for embodying your new story)
    Example Reading: A Story of Unworthiness

    Let’s say a seeker draws the following cards:

    1. Current Myth: Five of Pentacles – “I am alone and undeserving.”
    2. Origin: The Emperor (Reversed) – A controlling or absent father figure may have left them feeling unsupported.
    3. Impact: Eight of Swords – The belief keeps them stuck in self-doubt, unable to see new possibilities.
    4. New Myth: The Star – “I am connected, guided, and worthy of healing.”
    5. Integration: Queen of Wands – Embodying confidence, creativity, and self-trust in daily life.

    By engaging with these archetypes, the seeker challenges an outdated narrative and actively reshapes their self-perception.

    Practical Exercises: Tarot for Self-Narrative Work

    1. Journaling with Archetypes
      • Identify a recurring theme in your life (e.g., fear of failure, people-pleasing, self-doubt).
      • Pull a tarot card and reflect: What does this archetype say about my story?
      • Ask: What role do I want this archetype to play instead?
    2. Story Reframing Ritual
      • Write your current self-narrative in one sentence.
      • Draw a tarot card to represent the story you want to tell instead.
      • Journal about how to embody this new narrative in your daily life.

    Final Thoughts: Tarot as a Tool for Deep Psychological Work

    • Tarot connects the personal and collective unconscious, allowing us to explore, question, and reshape our inner world.
    • By using tarot in shadow work, we can consciously step into a new story, one that aligns with healing, growth, and self-empowerment.

    Free guide: Tarot & Archetypes for Shadow Work

    ✨ Explore powerful tarot spreads for self-reflection
    ✨ Learn how symbols & myths shape your inner world
    ✨ Get a reading list of must-have books on tarot & psychology
    ✨ Try journaling exercises to rewrite limiting beliefs

    Ready to dive deeper? 

    Download now

    Let’s talk!

    How do you personally connect tarot to self-reflection and healing? Share your thoughts in the comments below—I’d love to hear your experiences! And if there’s a specific aspect of tarot and psychology you’d like to explore, let me know.

    Part 6: Making Tarot Shadow Work a Regular Practice

    Shadow work with tarot is powerful, but how do you make it a sustainable part of your life? In the final part of this series, we’ll explore how to create a long-term practice that evolves with you. Learn how to avoid burnout, track your insights over time, and integrate shadow work into your daily routine—so tarot becomes more than just a tool, but a lifelong guide to self-awareness and healing. 

    References

    • Jung, C. G. (1959). Aion: Researches into the Phenomenology of the Self. Princeton University Press.
    • Jung, C. G. (1964). Man and His Symbols. Doubleday.
    • Campbell, J. (1949). The Hero with a Thousand Faces. Princeton University Press.
    • Singer, J. (1972). Boundaries of the Soul: The Practice of Jung’s Psychology. Anchor Books.
    • Schwartz, R. (2021). No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model. Sounds True.
    • Pennebaker, J. W., & Smyth, J. M. (2016). Opening Up by Writing It Down: How Expressive Writing Improves Health and Eases Emotional Pain. Guilford Press.
    • McAdams, D. P. (1993). The Stories We Live By: Personal Myths and the Making of the Self. Guilford Press.

  • When Your Mother Seems to Forget You After You Have a Baby—Understanding the Distance and Healing the Rift (+free PDF)

    Introduction: The Silent Rift Between Mother and Daughter

    You sit across from your mother, your baby gurgling happily between you. She’s smiling, but it’s not at you—it’s at the baby. The same woman who once asked about your hobbies, your struggles, your dreams now seems uninterested in anything beyond how well the baby is sleeping. When you try to steer the conversation toward something personal, she either redirects it to the child or asks questions that leave you uneasy.

    \”Do you not get bored with caretaking all day?\”
    \”Which of your kids do you love more?\”
    \”Are they the most important thing in your life now?\”

    You feel a mix of emotions—hurt, irritation, maybe even anger. Does she not see you anymore? Does she not care? And why do these questions feel so unsettling? Instead of voicing your frustration, you instinctively shut down, acting distant or cold. Deep down, though, you miss her attention and connection. But how can you bridge the gap when it feels like she has already stepped away?

    This scenario is more common than many mothers expect. The shift from daughter to mother changes not only your identity but also your relationship with your own mother. Many new mothers find themselves feeling bitter, resentful, or emotionally abandoned by their parents, even when no outright conflict has occurred. The pain is subtle but persistent—a sense of invisibility that is hard to name.

    This article will explore why this happens, what psychological patterns might be at play, and most importantly, how to heal the emotional distance so that you don’t lose the connection you once had.

    Why Does This Happen? Psychological Frameworks & Emotional Patterns

    1. The Legacy of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)

    If you grew up in a home where emotions were rarely acknowledged, you likely learned that having needs—especially emotional ones—was a burden. Parents with CEN often unintentionally pass down the same emotional avoidance to their children.

    Your mother might have always struggled with emotional closeness, but before your baby was born, the distance wasn’t as obvious. Perhaps your relationship was built on shared activities rather than deep emotional discussions. Now, with a baby in the picture, those shared interests have faded, exposing the lack of deeper connection.

    Your mother’s behavior now—focusing on the grandchild, asking strange questions—might not be intentional neglect. Instead, she may feel uncertain of her role and default to what feels safe: being a grandmother rather than maintaining a close mother-daughter bond.

    👉 Example: Before the baby, your mother always asked about your latest creative project. Now, she never brings it up. It feels like she doesn’t care, but in reality, she may assume you are too busy or that those conversations no longer matter to you.

    2. Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: The Push-Pull Dynamic

    If you have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, emotional closeness is both deeply desired and deeply feared. When you sense emotional rejection—even if it’s subtle—you might unconsciously withdraw to protect yourself.

    In this situation, instead of expressing, \”I miss the way we used to talk about things besides the baby,\” you might respond with coldness, sarcasm, or emotional shutdown. You push her away before she can reject you further.

    At the same time, your mother may also be avoidant in her attachment style. She may assume you are now fully absorbed in motherhood and that she is no longer needed in the same way. Her questions—\”Do you get bored?\” or \”Are the kids the most important thing now?\”—may not be meant to provoke you but instead reveal her own discomfort with shifting roles.

    👉 Example: If your mother was never good at expressing emotions directly, her way of checking in on you might be through awkward or leading questions. She may be trying to gauge your feelings but lacks the skills to ask openly.

    3. The Loss of Identity and Generational Conditioning

    For many women of past generations, motherhood meant total self-sacrifice. When their children became adults, they struggled to reclaim a personal identity. Now, as a grandmother, your mother may assume that you, too, are disappearing into motherhood—because that’s what she did.

    Her shift in focus toward the grandchild could be a reflection of how she sees her own role, rather than a dismissal of you. She may also be grieving a past version of your relationship but lacks the words to express it.

    👉 Example: If your mother’s identity was once entirely wrapped up in caregiving, she might project the same expectation onto you. When she asks, “Are they the most important thing in your life now?” she may not be testing you but rather seeking reassurance—because she once felt that way and struggled with it.

    Recognizing the Hidden Needs Beneath the Distance

    It’s easy to assume that your mother has simply lost interest in you, but a deeper look reveals unspoken needs on both sides:

    🌿 Your Needs:

    • To be seen as an individual, not just as a mother
    • To have conversations beyond parenting topics
    • To feel supported and emotionally connected

    🌿 Her Needs:

    • To feel like she still has a role in your life
    • To understand where she fits in as a grandmother
    • To connect with you, even if she doesn’t know how

    When these needs remain unspoken, both of you withdraw, and the emotional gap widens. But the good news is that small shifts in communication and behavior can begin to repair this disconnection.

    How to Bridge the Emotional Gap: Practical Steps

    Step 1: Identify Your Own Feelings Without Judgment

    Before approaching your mother, take some time to reflect. Ask yourself:

    • What do I actually want from her? More conversations about my interests? More emotional support?
    • Am I unintentionally pushing her away because I fear rejection?
    • Could I be misinterpreting her behavior as rejection when she is just unsure how to connect?

    👉 Example Prompt for Self-Reflection:
    \”When I think about my mother’s behavior, the emotion I feel most is ___. I tend to respond by ___. But deep down, what I wish she understood is ___.\”

    Step 2: Shift the Communication Pattern

    If every conversation defaults to the baby, try reintroducing non-parenting topics in a natural way.

    Instead of:
    “Mom, why don’t you ask about me anymore?”
    Try:
    \”I read something today that reminded me of our old book discussions. Have you read anything interesting lately?\”

    This allows her to engage without feeling accused.

    Step 3: Address Misunderstandings Gently

    If her questions feel off-putting, try responding with curiosity instead of irritation.

    👉 Example:
    Her: \”Do you ever get bored with caretaking?\”
    You: \”That’s an interesting question. Some days feel long, but I also love seeing their personalities develop. What was it like for you when I was little?\”

    This invites conversation rather than shutting it down.

    Step 4: Creating New Rituals to Rebuild Connection

    If conversations feel strained or superficial, introducing small, consistent rituals can help create natural opportunities for reconnection. This is especially useful if deep emotional talks feel forced or uncomfortable.

    Ideas for Gentle Connection:

    • A shared hobby: If you once bonded over something (baking, crafting, gardening), invite her to do it with you again—without the baby present.
    • Regular short calls: Instead of long, pressured conversations, a simple “Hey, I saw something that reminded me of you” text or voice message can keep communication open.
    • Outings without the kids: If possible, plan small activities where your mother can engage with you, rather than only as a grandmother.

    👉 Example: Instead of waiting for her to ask about your life, you could say:
    \”I miss our old coffee dates. Want to grab one next week, just the two of us?\”

    This gently signals that your relationship still matters outside of motherhood.

    Step 5: Handling Resistance & Uncomfortable Conversations

    Some mothers respond well to these shifts, but others might resist or continue making uncomfortable comments. Let’s address two common statements:

    1. \”I don’t know whether I love you or the children more.\”

    At first glance, this statement might seem bizarre or unsettling. Why would she even compare?

    What’s happening here?

    • If she has a fearful-avoidant attachment style, she may not know how to express love without framing it as a competition.
    • She might be struggling with her new role, feeling unsure whether she’s still needed as a mother or if her emotional investment should now shift entirely to the grandchildren.
    • It could be a bid for reassurance, an indirect way of saying, \”I still love you, but I don’t know how to show it now that you have kids.\”

    How to Respond:
    Rather than reacting with discomfort or sarcasm, try a neutral but firm response:

    👉 \”I don’t think love works as a ranking system. I know you love all of us, and I love you too.\”

    This acknowledges her emotions but doesn’t engage with the comparison game.

    2. \”I love [one grandchild] more than the other.\”

    Hearing this can be deeply unsettling, even if she says it in a casual or joking way. Children are incredibly perceptive, and playing favorites—even unintentionally—can create emotional wounds that last a lifetime.

    What’s happening here?

    • She may not actually mean it but lacks the emotional awareness to understand the impact of her words.
    • It might be a reflection of her own past wounds—if she felt more connected to one of her own children, she may unconsciously repeat the dynamic.
    • She might be expressing a preference for a personality type rather than a lack of love, but phrasing it poorly.

    How to Respond:
    If she says it casually, don’t let it pass without addressing it.

    👉 \”I know you might not mean that the way it sounds, but kids pick up on these things. It’s important that they both feel equally loved.\”

    If it continues, setting firm but calm boundaries is necessary:

    👉 \”Please don’t say things like that around them. I want both of them to feel secure in your love.\”

    This makes your stance clear without escalating into conflict.

    Step 6: Maintaining Emotional Boundaries Without Cutting Off Contact

    If your mother remains emotionally distant, makes insensitive comments, or dismisses your feelings, it’s important to protect your own emotional well-being.

    Key Boundaries to Set:
    ✅ Limit certain conversations: If she always makes comments that leave you feeling invalidated, redirect topics when needed.
    ✅ Avoid seeking validation from her: If she’s unable to meet your emotional needs, try finding support in friends, partners, or therapy.
    ✅ Be clear about what behavior is unacceptable: If favoritism, criticism, or dismissive remarks persist, calmly but firmly state your boundary.

    👉 Example of a Boundary Statement:
    \”Mom, I really want us to have a good relationship. But when you say things like that, it hurts. I need us to talk to each other with more care.\”

    This communicates both your needs and your desire to maintain connection rather than shutting her out.

    Conclusion: Healing the Rift Without Losing Yourself

    Feeling distant or bitter toward your mother after becoming a mother yourself is not uncommon. The shift in roles can expose unspoken emotional wounds, unmet needs, and generational patterns that were previously buried.

    But understanding these dynamics is the first step toward healing. By recognizing:
    ✅ That both you and your mother have unspoken emotional needs
    ✅ That your distance is not necessarily rejection, but often miscommunication
    ✅ That small changes in conversation, rituals, and boundaries can create repair

    …you can begin rebuilding a connection that honors both of your identities—not just as mother and daughter, but as two people who still matter to each other.

    Free Resource: Reconnecting With Your Mother After Baby – A Journal & Conversation Guide

    This journal + conversation guide will help you:
    ✅ Recognize what you miss from your relationship before motherhood
    ✅ Identify your core needs in your relationship with your mother
    ✅ Learn how to express those needs without guilt or conflict
    ✅ Set boundaries while still leaving space for connection

    Download now

    Let’s share!

    Have you experienced something similar? How do you navigate your relationship with your mother after having kids? Share your thoughts in the comments.

    🔹 If you found this article helpful, check out my related posts:

    Motherhood, CEN, and the Search for the Lost Self: A Deep Dive into Lisa Marchiano’s Motherhood

    Motherhood as a Journey of Growth: Embracing the Transition from Maiden to Mother

    Breaking the Line of Silent Pain: Motherhood Shouldn’t be a Choice Between Self-Sacrifice and Emotional Distance (+free PDF)

  • Why Some Mothers Crave Intense Physical Labor Instead of Rest—And How to Honor That Need (+free PDF)

    Introduction: When Hard Labor Feels Like an Escape

    It’s Saturday morning. Your toddlers are running in circles, calling for you. Your partner is home, offering to take over for a while. You finally have a moment to yourself.

    So, what do you do?

    • The living room is a mess, but instead of tidying, you grab a shovel and start digging up the yard.
    • Your partner suggests you go relax, but instead, you volunteer to move heavy furniture or deep-clean the house.
    • There’s time for a solo coffee break, but you’re outside chopping wood instead.

    It’s not about loving the work itself. It’s about something deeper. Something in you craves exertion, movement, effort.And when you get it? There’s a sense of relief.

    But that relief is fragile.

    Because even as you throw yourself into the task, your kids still come running outside, interrupting. They want to “help,” ask for a snack, or just cling to you—despite your partner being right there.

    And suddenly, rage bubbles up.

    Why isn’t your partner keeping them away? Why does no one respect that you need this?

    And underneath that:

    • Why do you need this so badly?
    • Why does caregiving feel stifling while heavy labor feels freeing?
    • Why do you feel an unspoken hunger for praise when you finish the job?

    This experience is common among stay-at-home mothers with a history of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN).The craving for intense physical work isn’t random—it’s an unconscious attempt to meet long-suppressed emotional needs.

    This article explores:

    • Why some mothers feel an intense pull toward physical exertion rather than caregiving.
    • The hidden emotional needs behind this craving (autonomy, control, nervous system relief, validation).
    • How to balance these needs without guilt, shame, or relationship strain.
    • Practical ways to integrate fulfilling physical effort into daily life while still honoring the need for true rest.

    Let’s start by breaking down why this urge exists.

    Why Do Some Mothers Crave Intense Physical Labor Instead of Rest?

    There are multiple reasons why certain mothers feel a strong preference for exertion over stillness. The key is recognizing that this isn’t just about liking hard work—it’s often a complex mix of nervous system needs, emotional history, and subconscious protective strategies.

    1. A Nervous System Desperate for Regulation

    One of the most overlooked reasons for this craving is proprioceptive input.

    Proprioception refers to the deep-pressure signals our muscles and joints send to our brain when we engage in effortful movement—lifting, pushing, gripping, and carrying. These movements help regulate the nervous system, calm an overactive stress response, and create a sense of safety in the body.

    For mothers in a near-constant state of alertness (common in CEN survivors who subconsciously scan for unmet needs), heavy exertion may act as an unconscious self-regulation tool.

    • Why It Happens:
      • Chronic stress and hypervigilance make it hard to downshift into relaxation.
      • Physical effort provides the deep input the nervous system craves to “turn down” stress signals.
      • It creates a sense of control over one’s body and surroundings.
    • How to Work With It:
      • Instead of forcing stillness, intentionally schedule “effort breaks”—short bursts of lifting, stretching, or gripping throughout the day.
      • Try activities like yoga, weighted workouts, or pressure-based movement (gardening, kneading dough, carrying groceries).
      • Recognize that the need for movement is valid—but so is the need for rest.

    2. Control & Autonomy: Reclaiming a Sense of Choice

    For many women, physical effort feels like a way to reclaim control over their environment.

    If you grew up in a household where big changes (moving homes, family decisions) happened without your input, you may have internalized a deep sense of powerlessness. This can create an intense drive to control the physical world, especially in situations where emotional control feels out of reach.

    • Why It Happens:
      • CEN survivors often didn’t get to express their needs as children.
      • As adults, they may associate physical capability with emotional independence.
      • If caregiving feels overwhelming, physical labor provides a sense of structure, achievement, and control.
    • How to Work With It:
      • Acknowledge the link between physical effort and emotional control.
      • Find small, meaningful choices within caregiving (e.g., reorganizing part of the home for yourself, not just for the kids).
      • Practice letting your partner take over without guilt—recognizing that not being in control is also healing.

    3. Avoidance: When Physical Exertion Becomes an Emotional Escape

    Here’s where we explore a shadow motivation behind this craving: sometimes, it’s not just about meeting a need—it’s about avoiding emotions.

    Some mothers subconsciously use physical labor as a “firefighter” strategy (in IFS terms) to distract from underlying emotions they don’t have space to process.

    • Why It Happens:
      • Sitting still may bring up unresolved feelings of loneliness, grief, or frustration.
      • Exertion provides an “acceptable” way to escape emotions without looking disengaged.
      • Past childhood experiences may have created a fear of emotional stillness.
    • How to Work With It:
      • Notice when the craving for exertion feels urgent.
      • Pause and ask: “What emotion might I be avoiding right now?”
      • Pair physical effort with emotional check-ins (e.g., journaling after exertion).

    4. The Shame Factor: When Partners or Society Don’t Understand

    Another key emotional layer is the shame and judgment around craving solitude through effort.

    Many women feel unspoken guilt for wanting to step away from caregiving for intense, physically taxing tasks—especially if their partner doesn’t experience the same urge.

    This often leads to resentment or misunderstandings in relationships:

    • The Partner’s Perspective:
      • “Why do you prefer lifting furniture over sitting with the kids?”
      • “You look exhausted—why are you choosing this instead of a nap?”
      • “Are you avoiding spending time with us?”
    • The Mother’s Perspective:
      • “You don’t get it—I NEED this.”
      • “This is the only thing that makes me feel sane.”
      • “I feel guilty for wanting to escape, but I don’t know how else to reset.”

    The key here is learning to communicate the deeper need.

    • Instead of: “I just want to work in the yard alone.”
    • Try: “My body needs movement to reset my stress levels. I’ll be more present after this.”

    Validating your own need makes it easier to explain to others.

    How to Meet These Needs Without Guilt or Conflict

    Once you recognize that your craving for physical exertion is an emotional signal, the next step is learning how to meet these needs more directly. Here’s how to navigate this while avoiding guilt, resentment, or misunderstandings with your partner.

    1. Name Your Need Clearly (Even If It Feels Uncomfortable)

    For many mothers, the hardest part is putting words to the need. Emotional neglect in childhood often leads to an internal belief that \”I shouldn’t need anything\” or that others should just know what we need without us having to ask.

    This belief creates tension with your partner. When they don’t immediately understand why you’d rather be out lifting heavy things than playing with the kids, frustration builds.

    Example of what not to say:

    “I just need a break. Can you take the kids?”

    This is vague, and if your partner doesn’t grasp the depth of your need, they might think you’re just being difficult or rejecting their way of offering help.

    Instead, be specific and self-revealing:

    “I need to do something physically intense, alone, for an hour. It’s how I reset, or I’ll feel suffocated. Can you make sure the kids stay inside so I can fully focus?”

    Why this works:

    • It names the type of break you need (not just rest, but exertion).
    • It signals that this is about your well-being, not them.
    • It sets a clear expectation (partner actively keeps the kids away).

    💡 Research Insight: According to studies on emotional granularity (the ability to describe emotions with precision), people who can accurately name their emotions experience less distress and stronger interpersonal relationships (Barrett, 2017).

    This means that learning to name your need clearly isn’t selfish—it’s a psychological skill that improves well-being.

    2. Address the Shame of Wanting “Work” Instead of Caregiving

    Even when you voice your needs clearly, a quiet shame might creep in. A voice in your head whispers:

    • “A good mother should want to play with her kids, not run off to lift heavy things.”
    • “Why do I feel more alive cleaning out the basement than baking cookies with my children?”
    • “Other moms rest when they get the chance. Why can’t I?”

    💡 Psychological Perspective: This shame often comes from a deep-seated belief that love should look a certain way. Many of us grew up with the message that being a good mother means being endlessly available, soft, nurturing, and patient. But what if your nervous system is wired to find regulation through movement and exertion?

    Reframe it this way:

    The best mother is not the one who meets an idealized standard, but the one who knows herself well enough to model self-care and emotional honesty.

    Instead of fighting against your nature, embrace it as a strength.

    What to do:

    • Track your emotions: Notice when the shame appears and ask, “Whose voice is this? Where did I learn that a mother should be this way?”
    • Talk to your partner: If they don’t share the same need, you might feel judged or misunderstood. Instead of getting defensive, explain the science: “Some people reset by resting, others by exertion. I’m the second type.”
    • Model self-acceptance for your kids: Let them see that it’s okay to have different ways of recharging.

    3. Work with the Nervous System: Move from Survival Mode to Regulation

    If your craving for physical labor feels desperate or compulsive, it may be a sign that your nervous system is stuck in high alert mode. This can happen if you grew up in an environment where relaxing felt unsafe (for example, if caregivers shamed you for being “lazy” or made you responsible for others’ emotions).

    💡 Research Insight: Trauma research by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk (The Body Keeps the Score) highlights that people with early emotional neglect often develop “functional hyperarousal”—meaning they feel safest when doing something, staying busy, or exerting control over their surroundings.

    Signs You Might Be in High Alert Mode:

    • Feeling restless or uneasy when you try to sit still.
    • Craving high-effort tasks (lifting, cleaning, running) as a form of relief.
    • Becoming irritable when others suggest “just relaxing.”
    • Feeling a sense of control only when physically pushing yourself.

    How to Balance It:
    🔹 Try exertion first, then transition to rest: Instead of forcing yourself to rest immediately, do 20-30 minutes of physical labor first, then shift to a lower-energy activity (like stretching, journaling, or deep breathing). This helps bridge the gap between high-alert mode and true relaxation.

    🔹 Use body-based techniques: If you struggle to “come down” after physical exertion, try progressive muscle relaxation or weighted blankets to help the nervous system shift into a calm state.

    🔹 Create structured time for exertion: If your partner feels like you’re constantly disappearing into physical projects, schedule dedicated time for it. Knowing you have a planned outlet for this need can make daily caregiving feel less suffocating.

    Final Thoughts: Balancing Needs Without Guilt or Conflict

    The urge to choose work over caregiving isn’t about rejecting motherhood. It’s about a deep, unmet need for movement, autonomy, and nervous system regulation. When you understand the psychological and physiological reasons behind this craving, you can:
    ✅ Communicate your needs clearly.
    ✅ Release shame and reframe your experience.
    ✅ Find balance between exertion and true rest.

    Instead of seeing this craving as something to fix, view it as a guide. It’s showing you exactly where your body and mind need attention.

    Free Journal & Self-Reflection Guide: Honoring Your Need for Both Exertion and Rest

    What’s Inside:

    📝 Journaling Prompts to Identify Your True Needs:

    • When do I most crave intense physical work?
    • What emotions come up when I can’t access it?
    • How do I feel after pushing myself physically?

    🔄 Self-Assessment: Am I craving movement or looking to escape my emotions?

    • Checklist to determine your deeper motivation.

    🗣️ Scripts for Voicing Needs to Your Partner:

    • How to explain why exertion helps you regulate.
    • What to say if they don’t understand or dismiss your need.

    🛠️ Action Plan: How to Integrate Physical Work Without Burnout

    • Scheduling balance between exertion and rest.
    • Small daily habits to prevent emotional overwhelm.
    Download now

    Recommended Books for Further Reading

    📖 On Emotional Neglect & Motherhood:

    • Gibson, L. (2015). Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents – Understanding how unmet childhood needs affect parenting.
    • Gerhardt, S. (2004). Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby’s Brain – The role of early attachment in emotional resilience.

    📖 On the Nervous System & Trauma Recovery:

    • Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy – How to regulate your nervous system and communicate emotional needs.
    • Levine, P. (1997). Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma – Explores how movement and exertion can be a healing response to stress.

    Let’s Talk About It!

    💬 Does this article resonate with you? Have you ever craved physical exertion more than rest, or struggled to explain this need to others? Share your experience in the comments!

    🔎 Want more articles on the hidden struggles of CEN mothers? Here are some you might love:

    Why Your Child’s Whining Feels Overwhelming—And How to Respond with Calm and Care

    Why Stillness Feels Unsettling for the CEN Mother at the Playground—And How to Heal

    Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child)

    Breaking the Line of Silent Pain: Motherhood is Not Supposed to be a Choice Between Self-Sacrifice and Emotional Distance

    Why Couples Bicker Over Small Things: How Unmet Needs Fuel Conflict—And What to Do Instead

    References for Research Cited

    1. Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books. – Discusses functional hyperarousal and how past neglect impacts the nervous system, helping explain why some mothers feel an urge for exertion instead of rest.
    2. Porges, S. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W.W. Norton & Company. – Explains how the nervous system shifts between states of alertness and calm, relevant to why some CEN mothers feel constantly “on” and seek physical exertion for regulation.
    3. Maté, G. (2008). When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress. Wiley. – Explores how suppressed emotional needs manifest as physical stress and exhaustion, supporting the idea that deep exertion is sometimes an unconscious attempt to process stress.
    4. Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You\’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing. – Discusses shame resilience and self-acceptance, relevant to mothers who feel guilty for craving solitude.

  • Tarot for Shadow Work: Practical Techniques & Spreads (Part 4 of 6) + free PDF

    Introduction: Why Use Tarot for Shadow Work?

    Shadow work is the process of exploring the hidden, unconscious parts of yourself—the aspects that have been repressed, denied, or left unexamined due to past experiences. Often, these \”shadow\” aspects show up in our lives as patterns of self-sabotage, emotional triggers, or inner conflicts.

    Tarot can be a powerful tool for shadow work because it provides symbolic language for these hidden parts, making the unconscious more accessible. Each card serves as a mirror, reflecting what is buried beneath the surface. Instead of trying to \”fix\” yourself, tarot invites you to witness, understand, and integrate your shadow with compassion.

    However, diving into shadow work can sometimes be overwhelming, especially if you uncover painful emotions or memories. That’s why it\’s crucial to approach this process with intention, emotional regulation, and self-compassion—which we’ll cover next.

    How to Approach Shadow Work Safely (Without Overwhelm)

    Shadow work, by its nature, brings up difficult truths. This can be uncomfortable, especially if you\’ve experienced trauma, emotional neglect, or deep-seated fears of rejection. Here are some key guidelines to keep the process safe and supportive:

    1. Set an Intention Before Your Reading

    Before pulling any cards, take a deep breath and ask yourself:

    • What do I want to understand about myself today?
    • Am I ready to see what needs to be seen, with kindness?
    • How can I offer myself compassion, no matter what arises?

    This keeps your reading grounded and prevents it from feeling overwhelming or directionless.

    2. Create a Safe Environment

    Choose a quiet, comforting space where you feel safe. You might light a candle, keep a journal nearby, or hold a grounding object (like a crystal or a warm mug of tea). Shadow work is deep, emotional labor—having a supportive setting makes a difference.

    3. Regulate Your Nervous System

    If a card brings up intense emotions, don’t rush to analyze it. Instead:

    • Take three slow breaths, extending the exhale to calm your body.
    • Place a hand on your heart or another part of your body to bring comfort.
    • Say a self-validating phrase like, \”It makes sense that this is coming up. I\’m here with myself.\”

    This prevents emotional flooding and keeps you present in the process.

    4. Use Tarot as a Conversation, Not a Judgment

    Sometimes, people fear \”negative\” cards like the Tower or the Devil. But shadow work isn’t about labeling parts of yourself as bad—it’s about understanding why they exist. When a difficult card appears, try asking:

    • What is this part of me trying to protect?
    • What does it need from me?

    This shifts tarot from being a predictor of fate to being a tool for self-inquiry and integration.

    How to Ask the Right Questions in a Tarot Reading

    The way you phrase your question in tarot matters. Shadow work is about uncovering hidden aspects of yourself, so your questions should invite depth and introspection rather than yes/no answers or quick fixes.

    1. Open-Ended vs. Limiting Questions

    Many beginners ask tarot questions like:

    • Will I ever heal from my past?
    • Is my shadow sabotaging me?
    • Will I ever stop feeling anxious?

    These questions are limiting because they assume a fixed outcome and can leave you feeling stuck. Instead, open-ended questions invite deeper reflection:

    • What part of me needs the most healing right now?
    • How is my shadow influencing my choices, and what can I learn from it?
    • What underlying fears or patterns contribute to my anxiety?

    A good tarot question opens a dialogue with yourself rather than seeking a definitive answer.

    2. How to Ask Questions That Lead to Growth

    Here are some guiding principles when formulating your tarot questions:

    ✔ Make it self-focused. Shadow work is about you, not external circumstances. Instead of “Why do people keep hurting me?” try “What patterns or wounds make me vulnerable to this dynamic?”

    ✔ Focus on the present, not just the future. Instead of “Will I ever heal?” ask “What can I do today to support my healing?”

    ✔ Invite understanding, not just solutions. Instead of “How do I stop self-sabotaging?” ask “What unmet need is driving my self-sabotage?”

    3. Tarot Prompts for Shadow Exploration

    Not sure where to start? Try these:

    • \”What part of me am I unconsciously suppressing?\”
    • \”What is my shadow trying to protect me from?\”
    • \”What past experience shaped this hidden part of myself?\”
    • \”How does my shadow show up in my relationships?\”
    • \”What can I do to integrate this part of me with compassion?\”

    These prompts will prepare you for the tarot spreads we’ll explore in the next section.

    Tarot Spread: Meet Your Shadow (3-Card Spread)

    This simple but powerful spread helps you identify a key shadow aspect and how it influences your life. It’s a great starting point for anyone new to tarot-based shadow work.

    How to Use This Spread

    Shuffle your deck while focusing on the question: What part of my shadow needs my attention right now? Pull three cards and lay them out as follows:

    1. The Shadow – What hidden aspect of me is influencing my actions?
    2. How It Affects Me – How does this shadow part show up in my daily life?
    3. How to Integrate It – What can I do to acknowledge and work with this part of myself?

    Example Reading: Feeling Unworthy in Relationships

    Cards Drawn:

    1. The Devil – Unhealthy attachment to external validation.
    2. Five of Pentacles – A sense of abandonment, fear of rejection.
    3. The Star – Healing through self-acceptance and inner trust.

    Interpretation:

    • The Devil reveals that the querent’s shadow is tied to a deep fear of being unlovable, leading them to seek validation through relationships.
    • Five of Pentacles suggests this shadow manifests as anxiety over rejection, making them overly dependent on reassurance from others.
    • The Star encourages inner healing through self-compassion and recognizing their inherent worth.

    This spread is a quick way to bring hidden wounds into awareness, setting the stage for deeper shadow work.

    Tarot Spread: Exploring Fear & Resistance (5-Card Spread)

    This spread helps uncover unconscious fears, hidden resistance, and the protective mechanisms that keep you from stepping into deeper self-awareness. It’s especially useful when you feel stuck in repetitive patterns or hesitant to engage in shadow work.

    How to Use This Spread

    Shuffle your deck while focusing on the question: What fears or resistances are holding me back from healing and growth? Pull five cards and lay them out in this order:

    1. The Root Fear – What am I truly afraid of?
    2. How It Shows Up – How does this fear manifest in my daily life or decisions?
    3. A Protector or Defense Mechanism – What strategy does my psyche use to avoid facing this fear?
    4. The Hidden Gift of Facing It – What could I gain by working through this resistance?
    5. A Step Toward Healing – A practical action I can take to start working with this fear.

    Example Reading: Fear of Being Seen & Vulnerable

    Cards Drawn:

    1. The Moon – Fear of facing one’s own illusions or subconscious emotions.
    2. Seven of Swords – Avoidance through self-sabotage or withdrawing from others.
    3. King of Swords – Intellectualizing emotions as a defense mechanism.
    4. Ace of Cups – The possibility of deep emotional connection and self-acceptance.
    5. Three of Pentacles – Seeking safe, supportive relationships to open up slowly.

    Interpretation:

    • The Moon suggests that the querent’s deepest fear is seeing themselves clearly—acknowledging pain, insecurities, or emotional wounds.
    • Seven of Swords reveals a pattern of avoiding emotional depth by distancing themselves from others or hiding their true feelings.
    • King of Swords represents a protector part that keeps them detached, analyzing emotions rather than feeling them.
    • Ace of Cups shows the hidden gift of vulnerability: experiencing deeper emotional fulfillment and true self-acceptance.
    • Three of Pentacles offers a first step—finding a trusted support system to help process emotions gradually.

    This spread can illuminate self-sabotaging behaviors and highlight ways to begin dismantling the protective barriers keeping you from healing.

    Tarot Spread: Healing & Integration (6-Card Spread)

    This spread is designed to guide you through integrating shadow aspects that have surfaced during your shadow work journey. Instead of simply uncovering hidden fears and wounds, this spread helps you actively work toward healing, self-acceptance, and transformation.

    How to Use This Spread

    Shuffle your deck while focusing on the question: How can I integrate and heal the parts of myself I’ve uncovered through shadow work? Pull six cards and lay them out in this order:

    1. The Shadow Aspect – What part of myself have I been rejecting or suppressing?
    2. Why It Was Repressed – What past experience or belief caused this part to be hidden?
    3. How It Affects My Life – What patterns, behaviors, or struggles stem from this disowned part?
    4. What This Part Needs – What would help this aspect of myself feel safe, seen, or acknowledged?
    5. How to Integrate It – A step toward accepting and working with this shadow.
    6. The Potential for Wholeness – How my life will change when I embrace this part of myself.

    Example Reading: Healing Deep-Seated Perfectionism & Self-Criticism

    Cards Drawn:

    1. The Devil – A shadow of self-judgment and inner criticism, creating cycles of guilt and unworthiness.
    2. Four of Pentacles – A childhood need for control and security led to perfectionism as a survival strategy.
    3. Ten of Wands – The burden of constantly striving for perfection results in exhaustion and self-sabotage.
    4. The Empress – This part needs self-nurturing, acceptance, and permission to rest and feel joy.
    5. Temperance – Integration requires balance—learning to appreciate progress over perfection.
    6. The World – By embracing imperfections, there is a sense of fulfillment, wholeness, and deeper self-love.

    Interpretation:

    • The Devil as the shadow aspect suggests a deep-rooted belief that the querent must constantly prove their worth, leading to self-punishment.
    • Four of Pentacles reveals that this belief formed in childhood as a response to an unstable or highly critical environment.
    • Ten of Wands highlights the cost—overwork, burnout, and feeling never “good enough.”
    • The Empress provides a clear healing message: embrace self-compassion, gentleness, and self-care.
    • Temperance emphasizes that healing is about moderation—learning to work with this part rather than against it.
    • The World confirms that integrating this shadow will bring a sense of wholeness and relief, allowing the querent to exist as they are, rather than as they “should” be.

    Final Thoughts: Moving from Awareness to Transformation

    Shadow work is not just about uncovering pain—it’s about learning to honor every part of yourself. Using tarot as a tool for self-reflection allows you to approach this work with curiosity, rather than fear.

    If you’ve resonated with these spreads, consider keeping a shadow work tarot journal where you document your readings, insights, and emotions. Over time, you’ll begin to see patterns, breakthroughs, and moments of transformation.

    Free Download: Shadow Work Tarot Journal & Spread Guide

    To help you deepen your practice, download our Shadow Work Tarot Reflection Journal, which includes:
    ✅ Printable versions of all the spreads
    ✅ Guided journaling prompts for each reading
    ✅ Tips for safe and effective shadow work

    Download now

    Let’s share!

    What are your experiences with tarot for self-exploration? Have you tried any of these spreads? Let’s talk in the comments—your insights might help someone on their own shadow work journey!

  • Tarot for Shadow Work: The Minor Arcana as a Mirror for Everyday Struggles (Part 3 of 6) + free PDF

    Introduction: The Shadows in the Small Moments

    Many people think of shadow work as diving deep into their past traumas, exploring the vast unconscious, or confronting their most hidden fears. While those elements are certainly part of the journey, the small, everyday moments often reveal just as much about our inner world.

    Think about this:

    • You snap at a loved one over something trivial, only to regret it later.
    • You feel an inexplicable sense of guilt when you take time to rest.
    • You sabotage your own success, then convince yourself it wasn’t meant to be.

    These moments may seem minor on the surface, but they often point to deeper patterns of wounding, defense mechanisms, and suppressed parts of the psyche.

    This is where the Minor Arcana of the Tarot comes in. While the Major Arcana explores overarching life themes and deep transformations, the Minor Arcana reflects the day-to-day interactions, emotions, and struggles that shape our shadow.

    Just as Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy recognizes that our everyday reactions are often driven by exiled parts and their protective mechanisms, the Minor Arcana provides a detailed map of these psychological dynamics.

    In this article, we’ll explore:

    1. The Minor Arcana’s role in shadow work (and why the small things matter)
    2. The four suits as psychological archetypes (relating them to Jungian concepts & IFS)
    3. Practical tarot spreads for uncovering everyday patterns
    4. How to integrate insights into real change

    Let’s begin by understanding why shadow work isn’t just about the big, dramatic revelations—it’s also about how you show up in the small moments.

    The Minor Arcana & The Psychology of Small Moments

    We often think of personal growth as the big breakthroughs—the moment you realize a core wound, the deep emotional release in therapy, or the sudden clarity that shifts your entire perspective.

    But the real work happens in the small, daily interactions.

    Consider these examples:

    • You’re exhausted, but instead of resting, you push yourself to clean the house. Why? Perhaps a part of you learned that your worth is tied to productivity (Wands energy).
    • You over-apologize in a conversation, even though you didn’t do anything wrong. Could it be an old pattern of keeping the peace, fearing rejection (Cups energy)?
    • You procrastinate on an important task and feel intense guilt later. What part of you is afraid of failure—or maybe even success (Swords energy)?
    • You hold onto material possessions even when they no longer serve you. Does this reflect a deeper fear of scarcity or change (Pentacles energy)?

    These subtle behaviors hold clues to our unconscious wounds, protective strategies, and unresolved emotions.

    This is why the Minor Arcana is so important in shadow work.

    Each suit represents a different domain of experience—and each card within that suit reveals a different psychological dynamic at play.

    By working with the Minor Arcana, we can:
    ✅ Identify repetitive patterns in our lives
    ✅ Recognize which inner parts (IFS) are active in certain situations
    ✅ Understand how our shadows manifest in everyday behavior
    ✅ Shift our automatic reactions into conscious responses

    Next, let’s explore the four suits of the Minor Arcana and how they relate to Jungian archetypes, shadow patterns, and IFS therapy.

    The Four Suits as Psychological Archetypes

    Each suit of the Minor Arcana represents a core area of human experience—our thoughts, emotions, actions, and material world. But when shadow work is involved, these suits take on a deeper meaning. They reveal how our wounds, defenses, and inner parts shape our daily lives.

    1. Wands – The Fire of Identity, Passion & Willpower

    Themes: Drive, ambition, creativity, personal power, life force energy
    Shadow Manifestation: Burnout, impatience, over-identification with achievement, suppressing anger
    IFS Connection: The Manager that keeps you constantly productive to avoid feelings of failure
    Example:
    You have a strong passion project but find yourself procrastinating. Your inner Manager tells you, \”You must do this perfectly, or you’ll fail.\” But beneath it, an Exile fears rejection for not being good enough.

    How to Use Tarot for Shadow Work:

    • Pull a Wands card and ask: What desire or suppressed passion is this revealing?
    • Journal: Where do I feel pressure to succeed? What emotions am I avoiding?

    2. Cups – The Ocean of Emotions, Relationships & Intuition

    Themes: Love, connection, vulnerability, subconscious patterns
    Shadow Manifestation: Fear of abandonment, emotional repression, unhealthy attachments
    IFS Connection: The Firefighter who numbs painful emotions with distractions or over-giving
    Example:
    You notice a pattern—when someone sets a boundary with you, you feel intense hurt. A Firefighter part rushes in, trying to win their affection to soothe an Exile that holds a childhood wound of rejection.

    How to Use Tarot for Shadow Work:

    • Pull a Cups card and ask: What emotional truth am I avoiding?
    • Meditate: Where do I give too much to feel worthy?

    3. Swords – The Realm of Thought, Beliefs & Inner Conflict

    Themes: Mindset, clarity, communication, truth-seeking
    Shadow Manifestation: Negative self-talk, anxiety, overthinking, self-sabotage
    IFS Connection: The Manager that controls with rigid thinking to protect an Exile from uncertainty
    Example:
    You constantly replay past conversations, wondering if you said the wrong thing. A hyper-vigilant Manager tries to prevent embarrassment, while a hidden Exile still carries childhood shame from being criticized.

    How to Use Tarot for Shadow Work:

    • Pull a Swords card and ask: What thought pattern is limiting me?
    • Challenge: Whose voice is in my head when I doubt myself?

    4. Pentacles – The Earth of Stability, Security & Worth

    Themes: Survival, abundance, self-worth, physical health
    Shadow Manifestation: Fear of scarcity, workaholism, rigid attachment to money or status
    IFS Connection: The Manager that clings to material security to avoid feeling powerless
    Example:
    You struggle with spending money on yourself, even for self-care. Your Manager says, “You must always save, or you’ll be unsafe.” Underneath, an Exile still carries childhood fears of financial instability.

    How to Use Tarot for Shadow Work:

    • Pull a Pentacles card and ask: What security need is driving my decisions?
    • Reflection: How does my relationship with money mirror my inner world?

    The Journey from Ace to King: How Each Card Reflects the Shadow Self

    Each suit in the Minor Arcana follows a structured progression from Ace to King, representing different phases of growth, challenge, and integration. When working with shadow aspects, these ranks reveal where we are stuck, what defenses we use, and what deeper wounds lie beneath.

    1. Aces – The Birth of Energy & Raw Potential

    Light Side: New beginnings, inspiration, opportunities
    Shadow Side: Fear of change, resisting initiation, self-doubt
    IFS Connection: An Exile afraid to embrace new experiences due to past wounds
    Example:

    • Ace of Cups in Shadow: You deeply crave love and connection but sabotage relationships because an inner Exile fears being hurt again.
    • Ace of Swords in Shadow: You have a brilliant idea but hold back, afraid of criticism.

    Shadow Work Question: What new beginning am I avoiding, and why?

    2-4 – Early Development & Inner Conflict

    • Twos: Choices, duality, balance (Shadow: Indecisiveness, inner conflict)
    • Threes: Growth, collaboration, first steps (Shadow: Fear of failure, needing external validation)
    • Fours: Stability, pause, contemplation (Shadow: Stagnation, resisting change, avoidance)

    Example:

    • Four of Pentacles in Shadow: You hoard money or resources out of deep-seated scarcity fears from childhood.
    • Three of Swords in Shadow: You cling to heartbreak, reliving past wounds instead of healing.

    Shadow Work Question: Where am I stuck in early growth? Am I resisting or over-controlling?

    5-7 – Struggles, Challenges & Defense Mechanisms

    • Fives: Conflict, loss, disruption (Shadow: Victim mentality, fear of instability)
    • Sixes: Transition, hope, lessons (Shadow: Avoidance, spiritual bypassing)
    • Sevens: Strategy, deception, reassessment (Shadow: Self-sabotage, distrust)

    Example:

    • Seven of Swords in Shadow: You deceive yourself about your emotions, convincing yourself you \”don’t care\” when you actually do.
    • Five of Wands in Shadow: You create conflict in relationships because inner chaos feels normal.

    Shadow Work Question: What defense mechanism am I using to cope with discomfort?

    8-10 – Breakthrough, Mastery & Transformation

    • Eights: Strength, movement, persistence (Shadow: Pushing too hard, burnout)
    • Nines: Near completion, self-reliance (Shadow: Isolation, fear of vulnerability)
    • Tens: Completion, endings, lessons (Shadow: Over-identification with suffering, resistance to closure)

    Example:

    • Nine of Swords in Shadow: Your anxiety spirals at night because you suppress emotions during the day.
    • Ten of Cups in Shadow: You believe external perfection will bring happiness while ignoring internal wounds.

    Shadow Work Question: Am I embracing or resisting the lessons I need to learn?

    Court Cards – The Inner Family of the Psyche

    Court cards represent different aspects of our personality. In shadow work, they reflect unintegrated parts, masks we wear, or inner voices that shape our behavior.

    • Pages (The Child/Exiles): Innocence, curiosity, vulnerability (Shadow: Immaturity, fear of responsibility)
    • Knights (The Rebel/Firefighters): Action, exploration, impulsiveness (Shadow: Recklessness, avoidance, overcompensation)
    • Queens (The Nurturer/Managers): Emotion, depth, inner wisdom (Shadow: Emotional repression, over-giving, control disguised as care)
    • Kings (The Authority/Integrated Self): Mastery, leadership, balance (Shadow: Tyranny, suppressing emotions, fear of change)

    Example:

    • Knight of Wands in Shadow: You chase new projects obsessively but never finish because commitment feels suffocating.
    • Queen of Cups in Shadow: You absorb everyone’s emotions but never tend to your own wounds.

    Shadow Work Question: Which court card energy do I struggle with, and why?

    Shadow Work Tarot Spreads Using the Minor Arcana

    Now that we’ve explored the psychological meaning of the Minor Arcana from Ace to King, it’s time to put this knowledge into practice. Tarot spreads designed for shadow work can reveal hidden fears, outdated patterns, and suppressed parts of the self.

    In this section, we’ll explore three powerful spreads that integrate Jungian psychology and Internal Family Systems (IFS). Each spread includes a practical example, so you can see how it works in action.

    1. The Inner Conflict Spread

    What happens when different parts of you are in disagreement?

    Purpose:

    This spread helps identify inner conflict between different psychological parts, often between an Exile (deep wounds), a Manager (control), and a Firefighter (impulsive reactions).

    The Spread Layout:

    1. The Root of the Conflict – The deep, hidden fear or wound.
    2. The Manager’s Perspective – How your controlling or perfectionist side tries to protect you.
    3. The Firefighter’s Reaction – How impulsive or numbing behaviors step in to handle distress.
    4. A Message from the Exile – What your wounded self truly needs.
    5. The Path to Integration – How to bring these parts into balance.

    Example Reading: Difficulty Accepting Change

    Situation: Sophie is struggling with unexpected changes at work. She feels out of control, overwhelmed, and keeps distracting herself to avoid dealing with the emotions.

    Her Reading:

    1. Root of the Conflict (Exile): Four of Pentacles – Fear of instability, holding on too tightly to control.
    2. Manager’s Perspective: King of Swords – A rigid need for structure and predictability.
    3. Firefighter’s Reaction: Knight of Wands – Impulsively seeking distractions (social media, overworking).
    4. Message from the Exile: Five of Cups – She needs to grieve past losses before embracing change.
    5. Path to Integration: The World – Accepting endings as part of personal growth.

    Reflection:

    Sophie realizes her Manager (King of Swords) tries to control everything, while her Firefighter (Knight of Wands) distracts her with busyness. Her Exile (Five of Cups) holds unprocessed grief. Instead of avoiding these emotions, she can work on gently allowing herself to feel and process the discomfort of change.

    2. The Self-Sabotage Spread

    Why do you keep repeating certain patterns?

    Purpose:

    This spread helps uncover self-sabotaging behaviors and their hidden roots. Often, we repeat destructive patterns because parts of us believe they are keeping us safe.

    The Spread Layout:

    1. The Repeating Pattern – What behavior keeps showing up?
    2. The Deep Fear Behind It – What hidden belief drives this pattern?
    3. How the Manager Enforces It – What protective strategies keep the pattern alive?
    4. How the Firefighter Distracts from It – How avoidance or numbing behaviors play a role.
    5. What the Exile Needs Instead – What the wounded self truly longs for.
    6. Breaking the Cycle – How to start healing this pattern.

    Example Reading: Avoiding Emotional Intimacy

    Situation: Alex finds himself pushing people away whenever relationships get too deep, even though he craves emotional closeness.

    His Reading:

    1. Repeating Pattern: Seven of Swords – Avoidance, secrecy, self-protection.
    2. Deep Fear: Three of Swords – Fear of heartbreak and emotional betrayal.
    3. How the Manager Enforces It: Queen of Swords – Keeping emotional distance, intellectualizing feelings.
    4. How the Firefighter Distracts from It: Devil – Using distractions (social media, overindulgence) to avoid intimacy.
    5. What the Exile Needs Instead: Two of Cups – Safe, reciprocal emotional connection.
    6. Breaking the Cycle: Knight of Cups – Learning to take small emotional risks.

    Reflection:

    Alex’s Manager (Queen of Swords) keeps people at a distance, while his Firefighter (Devil) numbs emotions with distractions. His Exile (Three of Swords) carries old wounds of heartbreak. He realizes that healing requires taking small, safe emotional steps (Knight of Cups), rather than shutting down at the first sign of closeness.

    3. The Shadow Integration Spread

    How can you embrace and work with your shadow?

    Purpose:

    This spread helps you face suppressed aspects of yourself—the parts you reject, fear, or avoid.

    The Spread Layout:

    1. The Shadow Self – What aspect of you is hidden or rejected?
    2. How It Affects You – How this shadow influences your life.
    3. Why You Repress It – The reason this part of you remains hidden.
    4. How to Acknowledge It – A step toward accepting and understanding this shadow.
    5. How to Integrate It Positively – How this part can be transformed into a strength.

    Example Reading: Struggling with Anger

    Situation: Mia has always seen anger as “bad” and suppresses it—but she finds herself passive-aggressive and resentful.

    Her Reading:

    1. The Shadow Self: Knight of Swords – A fiery, assertive side she denies.
    2. How It Affects Her: Four of Cups – Emotional numbness, dissatisfaction.
    3. Why She Represses It: Hierophant – She was raised to believe anger is disrespectful.
    4. How to Acknowledge It: Strength – Seeing anger as a natural, powerful emotion rather than something to suppress.
    5. How to Integrate It: King of Wands – Learning to express her needs with confidence and authority.

    Reflection:

    Mia realizes her repressed anger (Knight of Swords) manifests as detachment (Four of Cups). Her upbringing (Hierophant) taught her that anger was unacceptable. By recognizing anger as a source of power (Strength), she can learn to assert herself in a healthy way (King of Wands) rather than suppressing her needs.

    Final Thoughts

    Shadow work with the Minor Arcana offers practical, structured ways to explore your unconscious patterns and defenses. These spreads help uncover deep-seated wounds, psychological defenses, and paths to healing.

    Want to Go Deeper?

    To support your journey, download my free worksheet Exploring the Minor Arcana for Deep Shadow Work, which includes:
    ✔️ Step-by-step guidance for using these spreads.
    ✔️ Journal prompts for deeper reflection.
    ✔️ Extra techniques for working with your shadow.

    Download here

    What’s Next?

    In the next article, we’ll explore advanced tarot techniques for shadow work, including how to create your own personal tarot rituals for self-integration.

    Let’s chat!

    Have you ever used the Minor Arcana for shadow work? What insights have you uncovered about your unconscious patterns? Share your experiences in the comments below!

    Ready for the next part of this series? Read Tarot for Shadow Work: Practical Techniques & Spreads (Part 4 of 6) + free PDF

    Would you rather revisit previous parts?

    Tarot for Shadow Work? A Beginner’s Guide (Part 1 of 6) + free PDF

    Tarot for Shadow Work: The Major Arcana as a Roadmap to Your Hidden Self (Part 2 of 6) + free PDF

  • Why Do I Panic When Plans Change? An IFS Approach to Healing Control and Powerlessness (+free PDF)

    You’ve carefully planned out every detail of an important project, trip, or even just your day. Then, suddenly—something changes. Your heart pounds, frustration rises, and you scramble to regain control. Maybe you shut down, lash out, or feel the urge to fix everything immediately. But why does something as simple as a shift in plans feel so deeply unsettling?

    Using Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we’ll explore how this reaction is often a sign of unhealed wounds from the past—and how to work with the parts of you that are trying to protect you from pain.

    Recognizing the Inner System at Play: A Real-Life Example

    Imagine this: You and your partner are in the middle of designing your dream home. You’ve put weeks into carefully planning every detail—where the windows will go, the materials you’ll use. Then, unexpectedly, your partner suggests a major change to the layout.

    Your reaction is immediate:

    • You feel tense, irritated, and overwhelmed.
    • You argue about why the original plan is better.
    • When they push back, your heart races, your chest tightens, and frustration turns into panic.
    • You become rigid and controlling, insisting that your way is best.

    It’s only later, when the emotions settle, that you realize your reaction felt much bigger than the situation warranted.

    What’s really happening? Let’s break it down using IFS.

    Understanding Your Internal System: Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters

    In IFS, we see the mind as made up of different \”parts\” that each have a role in protecting you from pain.

    1. The Exile (The Wounded Inner Child)
      • Core wound: A deep sense of powerlessness from childhood.
      • In this example: You were forced to move houses as a child. You had no say in the decision—where you lived, what furniture was taken, or how your space changed. You had to silently endure the loss, with no one helping you process it emotionally. This wounded, powerless part of you is now hidden deep inside—an Exile.
    2. The Manager (The Control-Seeker)
      • Core strategy: Prevent you from ever feeling powerless again.
      • In this example: As soon as your partner suggests a change, your Manager part jumps in: “We have to keep control! We must not let this happen again!” This part sees flexibility as dangerous because it reminds you of past helplessness.
    3. The Firefighter (The Panic Response)
      • Core strategy: Stop the overwhelming feelings—at any cost.
      • In this example: When your Manager’s attempts to control the situation don’t work, your Firefighter partactivates. This can look like:
        • A panic attack or intense frustration
        • Wanting to shut down or escape
        • Using distractions (e.g., suddenly scrolling your phone, drinking, binge-watching TV) to numb out

    Each of these parts is trying to protect you, but their methods often create distress instead.

    How to Begin Healing: Working with Your Parts

    The key to breaking this cycle is learning to turn inward with curiosity instead of reacting automatically. Here’s a step-by-step guide to working with your system in real time:

    Step 1: Pause and Name Your Parts

    When you feel that familiar tightness in your chest or urge to control, take a breath and ask yourself:

    • “Who is showing up right now? A controlling Manager? A panicked Firefighter?”
    • “What is this part afraid will happen if I don’t react this way?”

    By naming the part, you begin to unblend from it—which means you are no longer fully merged with it, but instead becoming an observer.

    Step 2: Validate and Soften Toward Your Parts

    Instead of fighting your reaction, thank your parts for their efforts:

    • “I see that my Manager is trying to keep me safe.”
    • “My Firefighter is panicking because it doesn’t want me to feel powerless.”

    This reduces inner resistance and makes healing possible.

    Step 3: Identify the Exile’s Original Wound

    Ask yourself:

    • “When was the first time I felt like this?”
    • “What was happening in my childhood when I felt powerless?”
    • “What did I need back then that I didn’t receive?”

    This allows you to recognize the childhood roots of your reactions.

    Somatic Practices: Releasing Control from the Body

    Since powerlessness is deeply felt in the nervous system, working with the body is crucial.

    1. Grounding Exercise: The 5-4-3-2-1 Method
      • When you feel panic rising, engage your senses:
        • 5 things you see
        • 4 things you touch
        • 3 things you hear
        • 2 things you smell
        • 1 thing you taste
      • This helps your brain shift from fear mode to the present moment.
    2. Anchoring Safety with Breathwork
      • Breathe in deeply for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 6 seconds.
      • As you exhale, repeat to yourself: “I am safe. I have a choice.”
    3. Self-Soothing Touch
      • Place your hand on your heart or stomach.
      • Say gently: “I’m here for you. I see you. You’re safe now.”

    Advanced IFS Techniques for Deep Healing

    Now that we’ve identified the parts at play—the Manager trying to control, the Firefighter panicking, and the Exile holding the original wound—let’s explore deeper healing techniques.

    These methods help you move beyond surface-level coping and transform your relationship with your inner system.

    1. The U-Turn: Turning Your Attention Inward

    When we feel triggered, we instinctively focus on external factors (“My partner is being unreasonable!”), but true healing requires a U-Turn:

    • Instead of blaming the situation, ask:
      • “What is this reaction showing me about myself?”
      • “Which part of me is most activated right now?”

    By shifting focus inward, we stop fighting reality and start healing the inner wounds that fuel our reactions.

    2. Direct Access: Talking to Your Parts with Compassion

    You can initiate healing without needing to access deep meditation by simply speaking to your parts directly.

    Try this script:

    1. To the Manager (control-seeker):
      • “I see how hard you’re working to keep me safe. Thank you.”
      • “What are you most afraid would happen if you let go of control?”
    2. To the Firefighter (panic response):
      • “I know you’re just trying to protect me from overwhelming feelings.”
      • “What do you need from me to feel safe without reacting so intensely?”
    3. To the Exile (wounded inner child):
      • “I see you. I remember how powerless you felt.”
      • “You are not alone anymore. I am here with you now.”

    The key is compassion and curiosity—never forcing a part to change before it feels safe.

    3. Reparenting the Exile: Giving Yourself What You Never Had

    The Exile holds a frozen memory of past pain. Healing happens when you (from your Self—your wise, centered core) offer it the love and support it never received.

    • Step into your adult Self and visualize sitting with your younger self.
    • Ask:
      • “What did you need back then that you didn’t get?”
      • “What words would have comforted you?”
    • Imagine giving your younger self exactly that—whether it’s validation, a hug, or a sense of choice.

    This process reshapes the nervous system and reduces automatic panic responses over time.

    How These Patterns Affect Relationships

    IFS isn’t just about self-awareness—it transforms how we relate to others.

    Without awareness, our parts hijack communication:

    • Manager-driven control: “We have to stick to the plan!”
    • Firefighter-driven avoidance: “I just need to get out of here.”
    • Exile-driven emotional outbursts: “You never listen to me!”

    With awareness, we can communicate from Self:

    • “When plans change suddenly, I feel overwhelmed. It reminds me of past situations where I had no choice. I need some time to process before responding.”

    This shift fosters connection instead of conflict.

    Recommended Books and Videos for Deeper Work

    Books:

    • \”No Bad Parts\” – Dr. Richard Schwartz (Founder of IFS)
    • \”The Body Keeps the Score\” – Dr. Bessel van der Kolk (Trauma’s impact on the nervous system)
    • \”Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents\” – Dr. Lindsay Gibson (Healing childhood wounds)

    Videos & YouTube Channels:

    • IFS Institute (Official IFS resources)
    • The Holistic Psychologist (Inner child healing & nervous system work)
    • Dr. Gabor Maté (Understanding trauma’s long-term impact)

    Free Downloadable Worksheet: Healing Control and Panic with IFS

    This free guide will help you work through control-based reactions using IFS. Take your time—true healing happens in small steps.

    Download now

    Final Thoughts: Moving from Panic to Peace

    Panic in response to change isn’t a flaw—it’s a survival strategy from your past. By turning inward with curiosity and compassion, you can heal the root wounds and free yourself from the cycle of control and fear.

    Now, I’d love to hear from you:

    • What parts of this article resonated with you?
    • Have you noticed similar patterns in yourself?

    Let’s open up the conversation in the comments!

    Explore further

    Breaking the Cycle: How Your Attachment Style Shapes Parenting (and How to Foster Secure Attachment in Your Child)

    Tarot for Shadow Work? A Beginner’s Guide (Part 1 of 6)

    Why Stillness Feels Unsettling for the CEN Mother at the Playground—And How to Heal

    Why Inconsiderate People Trigger You More Than They “Should”—And How to Heal the Wound Beneath