Why Lowering Expectations Is Key to a Strong Sibling Bond
When you’re pregnant with your second baby, it’s tempting to paint a rosy picture of what’s coming. You want your toddler to feel excited, included, and loved—but promising that “the baby will be your new best friend” or “you’ll have someone to play with all day” may backfire.
Toddlers Think in the Present
Toddlers live in the now. Telling them they’re getting a playmate sets up expectations for shared fun and immediate companionship. But newborns don’t offer that. Instead, they sleep, nurse, cry, and often take up a huge portion of the caregiver\’s attention. This mismatch between expectation and reality can make the toddler feel:
- Betrayed: “You said I’d have someone to play with. Why is this baby always crying?”
- Jealous: “Everyone is fussing over the baby, and I don’t even like him.”
- Abandoned: “I used to be the center of your world, and now I don’t know where I belong.”
Research from Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow emphasizes that when toddlers are told the truth in an emotionally safe way, they are more likely to adapt and develop healthy sibling relationships over time.
What to Say Instead: Gentle Truth-Telling with Hope
Being honest doesn’t mean being negative. It means framing reality with emotional safety. Here are phrases you can use to balance realism and connection:
Examples of What to Say:
- “When the baby is born, he’ll cry a lot, and he’ll need milk and sleep. That’s how babies grow.”
- “You might feel a little bored or mad sometimes. That’s okay. We’ll still have special time together.”
- “One day, your sibling will grow and learn to walk and play. It just takes time.”
- “You don’t have to love the baby right away. We’re all getting to know each other.”
- “Even when I’m holding the baby, I always have love for you.”
Practice Phrases in Advance
Children learn through repetition. Practice these phrases during playtime, storytime, or when pointing to pictures of babies. You’re helping your toddler develop a narrative of adjustment—a sense that they are safe and seen, no matter how the baby behaves.
Practical tip: Create a small “script” of go-to sentences you can use when emotions run high. Laminate and hang it in your kitchen or nursery.
Gentle Timing—Avoiding Major Life Changes Around Birth
One of the most overlooked ways to support a healthy sibling relationship is by minimizing other major changes in your toddler’s life during the months surrounding the birth. Even small disruptions—like switching beds, weaning abruptly, or starting daycare—can be emotionally destabilizing when layered on top of a new sibling’s arrival.
Why Timing Matters for Toddlers
Toddlers thrive on predictability. Their nervous systems are still developing the capacity to self-regulate, and they draw their emotional stability from consistency in caregiving, sleep, routines, and environment.
According to attachment researcher Dr. Allan Schore, abrupt changes during developmental transitions (like becoming a sibling) can lead to increased emotional reactivity and feelings of insecurity. These are often expressed through tantrums, sleep regressions, and aggression toward the baby—not out of malice, but as a cry for re-connection.
Avoid These Changes Around the Time of Birth (if possible):
- Weaning (breast or bottle)
- Sleep transitions (crib to bed, own room, night weaning)
- Potty training
- Starting or stopping daycare
- Moving house or redecorating their space
- Cutting back time with a primary caregiver (especially the birthing parent)
What to Do Instead:
1. Keep What’s Working—for Now
If your toddler is still nursing, co-sleeping, or being carried, continue those practices after birth if you can. You don’t have to “prepare them to be more independent” before the baby arrives. In fact, trying to do so may backfire.
Example:
If your toddler still nurses, consider tandem nursing (if comfortable). This can reinforce their sense of connection rather than competition.
2. Babywear and Stay Mobile
Wearing your newborn gives them the closeness they need while keeping your hands free and your toddler in focus.
Real-life rhythm: Wear the newborn and head to the park, forest, or a favorite café. Let your toddler lead the adventure while the baby sleeps close to your heart.
3. Delay What You Can
If changes must happen (e.g. moving out of the family bed), plan them at least 3 months before or several months afterthe birth so they don’t get emotionally associated with “the baby ruined everything.”
Gentle Alternatives for Inevitable Transitions:
- Potty learning? Use play-based, slow exposure, and no pressure.
- Changing sleep? Co-sleep with both kids for a while if needed. Let the older one leave the family bed when they’re ready.
- Need to wean? Gradual weaning with connection-rich substitutions (back rubs, song, cuddle) preserves emotional safety.
Reassuring Phrases for Toddlers Facing Change:
- “You’re still little too, and I will help you when you need me.”
- “You don’t have to grow up all at once just because the baby is small.”
- “We’ll figure this out together, one day at a time.”
Playing Favorites (on Purpose): Babywear One, Play with the Other
It may feel counterintuitive—but one of the kindest things you can do for your newborn is to focus on your toddler. The baby doesn’t yet feel rivalry. Your toddler does. In those early weeks and months, the toddler needs to feel they still belong, matter deeply, and have a secure place in your heart and arms.
Why Babywearing Makes This Possible
When your newborn is snuggled close in a sling or carrier, they receive:
- Warmth and regulation through your heartbeat and breath
- Touch and movement, both calming and developmentally beneficial
- Bonding and safety from your scent and voice
At the same time, this leaves your arms, attention, and eye contact free for the child who most needs reassurance right now—your toddler.
What to Prioritize: Quality Toddler Time
Example routines:
- Go outside daily with the toddler—playground, nature walks, tricycle rides—while baby sleeps in the carrier.
- Involve your toddler in rituals of importance: helping pick out the baby’s clothes, making a snack, or “teaching” the baby a song.
- Create “spotlight time” every day—even 10 minutes of undivided attention (no phone, no interruptions) can regulate your toddler’s nervous system.
Research insight: According to Dr. Aletha Solter, uninterrupted one-on-one time with the parent after a sibling’s birth dramatically reduces tantrums and improves sibling bonding over time.
Make the Baby “Background” for Now
Rather than trying to get your toddler to engage with the baby immediately, let the baby simply exist around them, while you direct most of your warm attention toward the older child. Let curiosity arise organically, rather than pushing affection or involvement.
What this might sound like:
- “I’m here with you. Baby’s just riding along.”
- “I’m watching your big jump! Baby can’t jump yet, but you can.”
- “You don’t have to talk to the baby. I’ll talk to you.”
Let the toddler witness that they are not being replaced—they are still central to the family’s emotional life.
Bonus Tip: Create a “Toddler First” Morning Ritual
In those early weeks, your toddler may wake with a full emotional tank of need. If possible, greet them first, even if briefly, before tending to the baby.
Example:
Snuggle in bed and say, “I’m so glad to see you this morning. You are my first sunshine today.” Then transition to feeding or diapering the baby.
Emotion Coaching Big Feelings About the Baby (Jealousy, Regression, Anger)
It’s normal—even healthy—for toddlers to express mixed or negative feelings about a new sibling. But many parents feel alarmed when their toddler lashes out, regresses, or says things like “Send the baby back.” These reactions are not signs of failure, but rather signs that your toddler is safe enough to express their truth.
Your Toddler\’s Behavior Is a Message
According to Dr. Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, young children often “flip their lids” when overwhelmed—what looks like bad behavior is often a cry for connection and co-regulation. Your toddler isn’t rejecting the baby—they’re asking:
“Do I still belong? Am I still safe? Do you still love me?”
Common Emotional Reactions and How to Support Them
1. Jealousy or Rivalry
“Why does the baby always get to go first?”
“You love the baby more than me!”
What to say:
- “It’s hard to share me, isn’t it? You are just as important to me as ever.”
- “You don’t have to love the baby. I will keep loving both of you.”
What to do:
Let them express resentment without guilt-tripping or rushing to fix it. Emotions don’t need correction—they need presence.
2. Regression
You may see:
- Accidents after being potty trained
- Requesting bottles or baby talk
- Needing help with things they used to do independently
What it means: Regression is not manipulation—it’s a coping strategy. Your toddler is saying: “I need to be your baby too.”
What to do:
Lean in with empathy, not frustration. Let them be “the baby” sometimes—rock them, swaddle them in a blanket, play peekaboo. This restores their sense of inclusion.
3. Aggression
“I want to hit the baby!”
“I pushed him because he touched my toy.”
What to say:
- “You can feel angry. I won’t let you hurt the baby.”
- “Let’s find a safe way for that anger to move—want to stomp your feet with me?”
What to do:
Redirect rather than punish. Offer physical outlets like jumping, drumming, or hitting a pillow. And don’t forget to narrate the feeling: “That’s frustration. It’s okay to feel it.”
Helpful Phrases to Use Often:
- “There’s room for both of you in my heart.”
- “You can always come to me with your feelings.”
- “You were my baby too, and you still are in many ways.”
- “It’s okay to wish things were different.”
Research Backing:
- Emotion coaching, as studied by John Gottman, helps children develop emotional intelligence and increases resilience.
- Secure attachment isn’t about removing all distress, but helping the child feel held through it.
What to Say (and What Not to Say) When Preparing Your Toddler
The way we talk to toddlers about the new baby shapes their expectations, emotions, and experience. Many well-meaning parents accidentally set their older child up for disappointment by painting an overly rosy picture—one that doesn’t match the baby’s actual behavior.
Let’s make space for honesty, empathy, and realistic hope.
What Not to Say:
1. “You’re going to have a best friend!”
While sweet, this sets up the idea of an immediate playmate, when in reality, the baby won’t be capable of interaction for many months.
2. “You’re going to be the best big brother/sister!”
Though meant as encouragement, this can feel like pressure. Your toddler might interpret this as: “I have to behave perfectly now.”
3. “You’ll have to help a lot when the baby comes.”
That sounds like a burden. Toddlers thrive when they feel helpful by choice—not when they\’re made to feel responsible.
What to Say Instead (with Examples)
Be honest about what babies are like:
- “Newborns cry, sleep, and drink milk. That’s their job right now.”
- “At first, the baby won’t know how to play. But later on, they’ll learn to laugh and crawl—and maybe even chase you!”
- “Sometimes babies cry a lot. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or them—it’s just how they talk.”
Affirm your toddler’s role without pressure:
- “You’ll always be my first baby.”
- “You don’t have to love the baby right away. Feelings take time.”
- “If you ever feel mad or sad, you can always tell me.”
Include them meaningfully:
- “Do you want to help pick out a song for the baby?”
- “Let’s draw what our family will look like when the baby comes.”
Special Note: Avoiding Comparison
Even phrases like “You were such a good baby” can be triggering for a toddler—especially if they’re struggling emotionally.
Instead, try:
- “You cried too when you were tiny—that’s what babies do.”
- “Every baby has their own rhythm. This one’s still learning how to be in the world.”
Helpful Visuals and Stories
Many toddlers benefit from simple, developmentally-appropriate books and drawings about babies. Look for books that show the actual behaviors of newborns—not just siblings smiling and playing.
Examples:
- “Hello in There!” by Jo Witek
- “Waiting for Baby” by Rachel Fuller
- “We Have a Baby” by Cathryn Falwell
You can also draw a comic-style story featuring your toddler as the main character getting used to life with a baby.
Preventing Resentment – Practical Routines and Boundaries That Help
Even when toddlers are well-prepared, resentment can still arise. After all, their world is changing—and the baby takes up a lot of your time and energy. To soften the blow and protect the sibling bond, it\’s crucial to establish routines and boundaries that support both children’s needs.
1. Minimize Major Changes Before and After the Birth
If you need to:
- Wean
- Change sleeping arrangements
- Transition out of babywearing
- Start daycare
Do it several months before the birth, if possible. Abrupt changes right before or after the baby arrives can be perceived as rejection.
If change can’t be avoided:
- Let the toddler grieve.
- Give choices where possible (“Do you want to sleep in the top or bottom bunk?”).
- Frame it as a growing-up milestone: “You’re ready for this new bed!”—but without implying they’ve been “replaced.”
2. Keep the Toddler Close—Even With the Baby
This is especially powerful:
- Babywear the newborn so your hands are free to play with your toddler.
- Breastfeed while reading to or cuddling the older sibling.
- Invite your toddler into caregiving routines: “Can you pass me the wipes?” or “Want to pick the baby’s socks today?”
Bonus Tip: Use “team language”:
- “Let’s help our baby feel safe.”
- “We’re all learning how to be a family of four.”
3. Protect Toddler Time
Even 10–15 minutes of focused one-on-one time each day where the toddler leads (and the phone is away) can make a big difference.
Name this time something special:
- “Mommy-and-me time”
- “Our cuddle corner”
- “Just us story time”
They’ll look forward to it and feel reassured that you still see them.
4. Normalize Mixed Feelings
Toddlers may say:
- “I want to throw the baby away.”
- “I don’t like the baby.”
- Or act out physically (hitting, regressing).
Instead of shaming, try:
- “You’re mad. You wish the baby would go away. That’s okay to feel.”
- “I won’t let you hit, but I’ll always listen to your feelings.”
- “Sometimes you wish things were how they used to be. Me too, a little.”
5. Teach Through Play
Dolls, stuffed animals, and pretend play can help toddlers:
- Rehearse baby care
- Act out frustration safely
- Practice empathy and gain mastery
Let them be the caregiver sometimes. They may surprise you.
6. Accept That You Can’t Prevent All Jealousy
This isn’t about perfect parenting—it’s about repair, honesty, and connection. The sibling bond is built over years, not days.
Supporting the Toddler’s Emotional World Through Regression, Aggression, and Grief
Toddlers grieve the arrival of a sibling—even if they like the baby. They’re mourning the loss of exclusive access to you, the change in routines, and the unpredictability of their world.
This grief often shows up through behaviors, not words.
Common Signs of Grief in Toddlers:
- Regression: Wanting to nurse again, using baby talk, asking to be carried
- Aggression: Hitting the baby, throwing toys, yelling “Go away!”
- Withdrawal or Clinginess: Either tuning out or needing you constantly
- Sleep Changes: Night waking, needing more reassurance
- Toilet Training Reversals: Accidents after having been dry
These are not signs of failure. They’re emotional expressions.
What Helps
1. Name the Emotion Behind the Behavior
Instead of correcting, start by connecting:
- “Are you feeling left out?”
- “I wonder if you miss when it was just us.”
- “I hear you. You wish I didn’t have to feed the baby right now.”
Even when you can’t meet the wish, acknowledging it brings relief.
2. Offer Safe Ways to Express Big Feelings
- Give a pillow to punch or a stomp spot for anger.
- Let them yell into a blanket or pretend a stuffed animal feels the same way they do.
- Create a “calm corner” with sensory tools: soft fabric, lavender sachets, fidget toys, or music.
3. Use Stories and Metaphors
Toddlers learn best through narrative.
Tell stories like:
- “Once there was a little bear who had to share his cave…”
- “This is our nest. Now we have a new chick. It takes time for nests to feel cozy again.”
You can even make up a bedtime story about your toddler’s day—highlighting their feelings and the ways you stayed connected.
4. Nurture Through Regression
Sometimes, the best approach is to welcome the regression.
If your toddler wants to:
- Be rocked
- Be spoon-fed
- Wear the baby carrier
…let them, when possible. It doesn’t mean they’re backsliding—it means they’re trying to re-anchor their place in your love.
5. Build In Rituals of Reconnection
Even something as small as:
- Singing a special “just us” song
- Whispering secrets before bed
- Making snack time a silly game
…can remind your toddler that your bond is unbreakable—even as your family grows.
Quote to Hold:
“Sometimes, the older child doesn’t need reassurance that they are still loved. They need proof—daily, consistent proof through connection.”
— Dr. Laura Markham, Aha Parenting
Sample Scripts for Real-Life Moments
When you\’re sleep-deprived and juggling two little ones, finding the right words can be hard. This section offers compassionate, toddler-friendly language to help you navigate tricky moments with grace and clarity.
1. When Your Toddler Says “I Don’t Like the Baby”
Instead of:
“Don’t say that, you love him!”
Try:
- “It’s okay to feel that way. Sometimes I feel frustrated too.”
- “You don’t have to like the baby all the time. I’m still here for you.”
2. When Your Toddler Demands Attention While You’re Feeding the Baby
Instead of:
“Not now! I’m busy with the baby.”
Try:
- “I see you want me. That’s important to me. Let’s make a plan for what we’ll do when baby is done eating.”
- “You can sit next to me and we’ll tell a story together while I feed your sibling.”
3. When You See Signs of Jealousy
Instead of:
“Stop being mean to the baby!”
Try:
- “You’re having big feelings. You miss when I could hold just you.”
- “I love both of you, and I always have space for you.”
4. When Your Toddler Acts Out Physically
Instead of:
“Time out!”
Try:
- “I won’t let you hit. Let’s find another way to show your feelings.”
- “Are you needing more time with me? Let’s make that happen after snack time.”
5. When Your Toddler Wants to Be ‘Baby’ Again
Instead of:
“You’re not a baby anymore.”
Try:
- “You want to be close to me like when you were little. Let’s cuddle and read like we used to.”
- “You’re my big kid and my baby forever. Come here, sweetie.”
6. When You Have to Leave the Room or Care for the Baby First
Instead of:
“You’re fine, I’ll be back soon.”
Try:
- “I’ll be right back, and then it’s your turn.”
- “I know it’s hard to wait. I’ll come get you when I’m done with the baby.”
These scripts are meant to be adapted to your voice, your child, and your real-life circumstances. You don’t have to be perfect—just present, curious, and kind.
Free printable resource: Easing the Shift from One to Two
Welcoming a new baby is a tender, beautiful transition—but for a toddler, it can feel confusing, overwhelming, or even threatening. The relationship between siblings begins long before the baby can smile or play, and how we talk about the change can make a lasting difference.
This printable resource offers simple, compassionate tools to help your toddler understand what’s coming, feel emotionally safe, and begin building connection with their baby sibling from the very start. It includes:
- A gentle script to introduce the newborn
- A checklist of toddler-prep activities for the final trimester
- Ritual ideas for connection and sibling bonding
- Real-life scripts for common daily challenges
- Calming affirmations for you, the parent, as you navigate both children’s needs
Whether you’re in your final weeks of pregnancy or adjusting to life with two, this guide supports you in nurturing both connection and resilience in your growing family.
Further Support: Books & Resources
Parenting through big transitions calls for support, insight, and a reminder that you\’re not alone. Here are some thoughtful, research-based resources to deepen your journey:
Books
- Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish – Practical tools and examples for supporting healthy sibling relationships from day one.
- Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings by Dr. Laura Markham – A neuroscience-informed approach to reducing conflict and building sibling connection.
- The Second Baby Book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith – Gentle and realistic advice for preparing your toddler emotionally and practically for a new baby.
- How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen by Joanna Faber & Julie King – Filled with scripts and problem-solving ideas for everyday parenting struggles.
YouTube Channels
- Janet Lansbury – Elevating Childcare: Focuses on respectful parenting and preparing toddlers for big changes.
- The Parenting Junkie: Covers mindful parenting, sibling dynamics, and setting up a peaceful home environment.
- Dr. Laura Markham (Aha! Parenting): Occasional interviews and talks on emotional regulation and sibling bonding.
These resources align beautifully with a connected and emotionally attuned parenting style—one that honors the needs of both your toddler and your newborn, and supports you in the middle.
Closing Thoughts: A Gentle Foundation That Lasts
Preparing your toddler for a new sibling doesn’t require perfection—it asks for presence, honesty, and patience. Lowering expectations, staying emotionally available, and protecting their sense of safety are not only practical steps, but foundational acts of love.
The early days may be messy and intense, but with time and care, a deep sibling bond can bloom. By seeing the transition through your toddler’s eyes and giving them tools to process their emotions, you’re laying the groundwork for lifelong connection—not just between siblings, but between you and each of your children.
Remember: you don’t have to do this alone. Our printable guide is here to support you.
Explore further:
🥰Motherhood as a Journey of Growth: Embracing the Transition from Maiden to Mother
📝From Maiden to Mother: A Journaling Guide for Embracing the Transition
Leave a Reply